In Parts 1 and 2, we learned about the squirrels’ sophisticated and escalating strategies in their all-out war against humanity, from deadly biological warfare to wanton acts of lawless depravity to outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure—and even more ominously, the development of weaponry so advanced it threatens to unravel the very fabric of spacetime itself: water bending.

In Part 3, we will discuss actions all of us can take to mitigate (if not entirely eradicate) the pestilential scourge of Sciuridae.

We certainly have our work cut out for us too, because of so many unrepentant assholes—including my very own mother! JFC!—who insist on feeding these monsters, or even keeping them as pets (?!!!). Texas firefighters are rescuing squirrels. And just this January, My Amazing Lover™ brought to my attention a truly devastating and demoralizing development: some ridiculous jackasses apparently thought it was a grand idea to deem January 21 “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” This is treason, people. And when the Squirrelpocalypse is upon us, justice will be swift and fierce.

This is…just. What? No.

Clearly these kinds of people cannot be reasoned with.

(Between you and me: I already suspect a few of the commenters here are double agents for the fucking squirrels, and there could be many, many more lurking. STAY ALERT, people.)

As a first step, then, we must educate ourselves and any others who can still be reached before it’s too late.

Here are some resources to get started:

How to Stop Squirrels. Squirrels will happily destroy your garden, invade your attic, and eat your fucking house: they can and will chew through pretty much anything that isn’t metal. This website offers practical tips, tactics and product suggestions for keeping your home and surrounding areas squirrel-free.

Natural predators of squirrels. I propose we immediately scale up massive breeding programs for rat snakes, hawks, great horned owls and barred owls, red and gray foxes and bobcats. Even house cats can prey on squirrels, but last week alarming evidence emerged that suggests the cats have been compromised and may have defected to Team Squirrel. Fuckers.

Be alert to mass squirrel migrations. Click that link to see for yourself just how bad things can get. WARNING: this is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies.

Squirrel hunting tips on how to get started. (<—Self-explanatory.)

Know your squirrel hunting season. For example, in most of New York State the hunting season for gray, black and fox squirrels starts September 1 and continues through February, with a bag limit of six. That’s six daily. RED SQUIRRELS CAN BE HUNTED YEAR ROUND WITHOUT LIMITS.

 

Squirrel Recipes. <—These are from the Missouri Department of Conservation, but there are many, many others. Squirrel is one of the most ethical meats one can consume, and apparently pretty tasty too. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.

Repurpose “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” This really needs to be a day of awareness, action, education and enlistment in the battle. Purely coincidentally (I swear!), on the morning of January 21 before I was alerted to this official day for, you know, celebrating our sworn enemies, I asked my local meats purveyor whether his shop ever had any squirrel on offer. He said yes, by special order only, 2 days in advance. I have marked my calendar for January 19, 2017 to put in my order, so on the 21st I will definitely be “appreciating” some squirrels.

Braised squirrel with bacon, mushrooms and Pinot Noir.
(image: Johnny Miller via Field and Stream)

IMPORTANT REMINDER: cook your squirrels thoroughly to make sure you KILL ALL OF THE FUCKING PLAGUE BACTERIA.

It’s time to wake up, people. Forget the War on Terror. And we definitely do not need a War on Drugs. What we need is a war on squirrels. These demon spawn pose perhaps the greatest threat human civilization has ever faced.

#deathtosquirrels

[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been edited and updated for FtB]

[CONTENT NOTE: squirrels committing suicide.]

In Part 1, we learned about the squirrels’ biological warfare program, a sophisticated and deadly operation that would have been the envy of Saddam Hussein himself.

Today we will explore other squirrel tactics in their escalating war against human civilization: wanton acts of lawless depravity, and outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure.

[Read more…]

It all started for me last summer, with some VERY disturbing news coming out of California. No, not the devastating droughts and unprecedented wildfires, or the L.A.P.D. getting cartoonist Ted Rall fired from the Los Angeles Times by dropping an audio tape that of course turned out to be doctored bullshit. I refer, of course, to the squirrels.

You see, part of Yosemite National Park had been closed by health officials because, it seems, a second tourist there contracted the plague. The plague! As in, you know, the Black Death? That little pandemic that killed an estimated 30–60% of Europe’s total population in the fourteenth century? YES THAT PLAGUE.

And guess how it’s being spread. Go ahead, guess.

By fucking squirrels.

Squirrels are a fucking menace.

You might expect that since I live in downtown Manhattan, if I were to seriously hate on a fellow species–and let’s face it, all species are fellow species—it would probably be pigeons or something. Rats. Maybe cockroaches, which, as far as I’m concerned, ought to be the official symbol of New York City based on their sheer impudence and tenacity alone. Or perhaps those giant waterbugs everyone thinks New Yorkers are totally exaggerating about until they actually see one, and realize that some insects never got the memo that the Permian era ended hundreds of millions of years ago.

NOPE. I have come to loathe and detest no species on Earth so much as those members of the Order Rodentia, Suborder Sciuromorpha, Family Sciuridae. Well, besides H. sapiens, but that should go without saying. (See: virtually every post on my blog.)

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. But Iris! Squirrels are soooo cyoooot! How could you harbor such ill will towards our adorable little bushy-tailed cousins?

Okay first of all, you are woefully uninformed about the true nature and utter depravity of these beasts, an unfortunate and increasingly urgent state of affairs I intend to remedy shortly, and at length. (Wait, what?) Second, “ill will” does not even begin to cover it.

The squirrel-plague nexus.

In the wild, the plague bacteria Yersinia pestis circulates via flea bites among animal populations, particularly rodents—and squirrels are fucking rodents. Humans, such as our Yosemite tourists, become infected when bitten by a flea that has bitten a plague-ridden rodent. (Like, oh, say…a squirrel.) But that’s not the only disease vector. Once infected, humans can spread the plague among themselves by coughing or sneezing, contact (including sexual contact) with an infected person, indirect contact like touching a contaminated surface, breathing air under certain conditions where the plague bacteria can remain airborne, and the most disgusting transmission route of all, “fecal-oral,” from ingesting food or water contaminated with the diseased shit—literally, the actual shit—of the plague-infected. Think: Ebola. But with squirrels.

Take a look at how fast the plague spread in the fourteenth century—and consider that back then, exposure to infected populations would have happened much more slowly than in the age of widespread air travel and crowded trains.

Black Death strikes Europe: 1347-1353
(image: public domain)

Now it is true that these days the plague is generally treatable with antibiotics, which did not exist during the Black Death pandemic because Jeezus “forgot” to tell us about them. However, the plague can still be fatal if left untreated for whatever reason, including misdiagnosis, or lack of access to quality health care in this truly exceptional country. Just think about that the next time you have “fever, chills, nausea, weakness and swollen lymph nodes,” and your doctor tells you to just go home, get some rest and drink lots of fluids. By the way, do you think the United States has a stash of antibiotics for 323,000,000+ people? And what happens if (when?) an adaptive mutation leaves Yersinia pestis impervious to antibiotics?

Anyway. It turns out the two recent cases of squirrel-plague in Yosemite tourists are by no means isolated incidents, either. In fact:

Since 1970, 40 cases of plague have been reported in California, and nine people have died from the disease.

OMFG. I had no idea.

__________

In Part 2, we will see that squirrels have been organizing and escalating their attacks, performing wanton acts of lawless depravity, engaging in what can only be described as terrorism, and otherwise being real fucking douches.

[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been lightly edited and updated for FtB]