‘We saved the best for last’ Exclusive coverage of Day Five of the Democratic National Convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Editor’s note: Because of tight security at the Democratic National Convention, Reporter X wasn’t able to smuggle out this article until this week. We apologize for the delay.

The secret fifth night of the Democratic National Convention for the interplanetary delegates may have been the best night of the convention.

Held at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, organizers used the fifth night as consolation for the Interplanetary Delegates not getting to vote for the Presidential nominee. Interplanetary Delegates represent human members of the Democratic Party who live in one of the many secret outposts throughout the Solar System. Under the DNC’s black ops rules, Interplanetary Delegates cannot vote until the tenth round of the nomination process.

After President Joe Biden ended his reelection campaign, many Interplanetary Delegates expected their votes to be counted at a contested primary. Instead, the party rallied around Vice-President Kamala Harris. Since 1952, Interplanetary Delegates have never voted at either party’s convention.

Host Mary Trump introduced the theme of the night: “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“Do you know why nobody in our family loves my uncle? Because he didn’t earn it!”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

“In 2020, my uncle thought he could buy and bully his ways to reelection. But the voters said—”

The audience replied, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Mary Trump smiled. “You’ve got this.”

Most of the night comprised musical performances to honor the delegates who traveled across the solar system to attend. There were, however, some notable speeches.

Gus Walz defended his viral moment in his speech. “If it’s neurodivergent to love your family more than your guns, then I’m neurodivergent!”

After days of protestors demanding a Palestinian speaker, organizers gave Palestinian American Munir Iyad Na’il a speaker slot on the fifth night. Na’il acknowledged the events since October 7, 2023.

“The IDF has killed thousands of innocents in Gaza. They have destroyed homes, hospitals, and schools. To be fair, I should mention that hundreds of Israelis were killed and hostages were taken by Hamas. Whether the Israelis were settlers or civilians is debatable.”

Na’il later said there is common ground among Democrats regarding the conflict. “We may disagree whether the IDF is committing genocide, but we can agree that what is happening in Gaza is an atrocity! And we can agree that Trump would love to do to Chicago what the IDF is doing to Gaza!”

Na’il endorsed Harris and urged all Arab Americans to support her. “Yes, the Biden-Harris administration supports Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, but that’s a good thing. Bibi has done more to destabilize Israel than the PLO, Arab League, and Hamas combined! Thanks to his ineptitude, Israel is on the verge of civil war! If he keeps this up, the land between the river and the sea will be Arab soon.”

He added Trump would be bad for both Arabs and Jews. “If reelected, Trump will expel Arab Americans who can’t pay off his debts. He will also expel Jewish Americans who he, and he alone, deems disloyal to Israel. Let’s unite to defeat our common enemy!”

Near the end, Harris addressed the delegates. “Over two months ago, Trump looked unbeatable, Joe looked exhausted, and Democrats were divided. Tonight, we’ve come a long way, baby!”

Harris ended her speech by saying, “Trump earned nothing in his life but you. Every one of you in this building and watching this from across the solar system. You. You earned this!”

Beyonce and Taylor Swift took the stage, and the attendees roared with excitement. They performed a melody of their hits, followed by the premiere of their duet song, “Shake off Trump/Kamala runs the USA.”

After singing, Beyonce said, “I refused to perform at the Republican Convention and Trump is still upset. You know why? Because—”

The audience chanted, “Trump didn’t earn it!”

Beyonce smiled. “I was going to say something else, but that works, too.”

Swift then told the audience, “I’ve been screwed over by too many boyfriends. That’s why I’m voting for my girlfriend Kamala, and you should too!”

Joyce, a delegate who works at an interstellar relay station on Pluto, said the last day was worth the trip to Chicago. “I’m so pumped that I’m going to canvas the Kuiper Belt for Kamala.”

BZed Gilt, an observer from the Martian Colonies, said, “I hope Kamala wins the most Electoral College votes. Humanity is more annoying when Trump is one of its leaders.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts picket outside Soldier field
Clow UFO Base named best UFO Base by PayUs Magazine
Man grows sentient algae in his backyard pool
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/7/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

 

Village of Bolingbrook considers importing water from Mars (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Fed up with Illinois American Water’s proposed rate increase, the Village of Bolingbrook is considering importing water from Mars.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “It’s cheaper to drill a 10 KM deep hole, pump out the water, and ship it to Bolingbrook than it is to pay Illinois American Water to deliver Lake Michigan water.”

Sources in Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs describe negotiations with the Martian Colonies as, “Surprisingly productive.”

One anonymous source said, “Normally you have to grovel before (Colonial diplomats) before they’ll consider listening to you. This time they said we could skip to the part where we fearfully ask them for something.”

Another source said, “They even told us to skip the part where we beg them not to annihilate humanity.”

According to NASA, Mars’s underground reservoirs contain enough water to create a global ocean a mile deep. The Martian Colonies haven’t touched the reservoirs, nor have they allowed any visitors to drill into them.

Alexander-Basta claims the Martian Colonies are negotiating because the Village allows the Colonies to station troops at Clow UFO Base.

“Once you accept that they’re the rulers of our solar system, and don’t argue when they call humanity an asteroid stuck in their eyes, they can be quite reasonable.”

However, the Interstellar Commonwealth might veto any agreement on environmental grounds. Because the reservoirs are home to several endangered species, importing Martian water could cause mass extinctions.

The Commonwealth released a statement which read that they will review any trade agreement before making a ruling. The statement also read, “Just because some humans think the Martian Carp looks ugly, doesn’t give them an excuse to commit genocide.”

Alexandra-Basta would not comment on the Commonwealth’s statement, but said the Village has other options.

“We could mine water from the Oort Cloud and it would still be cheaper than buying water from Illinois American Water.”

Officials from Illinois American Water threatened to charge the Babbler their “ideal rate” unless this reporter stopped asking questions.

Also in the Babbler:

Village Board declines to change Bolingbrook’s name to Elonville
Alien traveled 100 light years only to find out Naperville Ribfest is permanently canceled
Local vampires urge humans not to buy the novelette, A Fire in the Shadows
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Creative differences with LLMs (Book writing update)

Despite life throwing a few curve balls at me, I’m still making progress on my next Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press. I’m almost at the point where Tom, Anti-Psychic Kitty, and Juanita are about to discover what they’re really up against. If you want to read a sample of alpha draft, I’ve posted a sample eBook.

I’ve given myself a deadline, hoping to speed up my progress. I have to get a draft ready by April for the developmental editor I’m working with again. Hopefully, I can release this in less than ten years. 🙂

The cover on the sample e-Book is temporary. I won a free book cover design earlier this year from one of the moderators at Wide for the Win, a group that helps authors publish their books without being exclusive to Amazon. She’s a great person, but it looks like it’s going to be awhile before she can get to my book cover. I’m thinking her design will become the special edition design. Looks like GetCovers will do the main cover design. They made the current covers for my books.

For the past couple months, I’ve played with an LLM AI to write short stories for my amusement. LLM AIs and I have some creative differences, to put it mildly. There’s a lot of “with shaking hands” and “His eyes never left her eyes.” It also has time keeping track of the story, or even the scenes. Sometimes the result is characters in positions that defy human physiology, and nude characters taking off their clothes. Even with an outline, it goes off on wild tangents.

I heard someone say that LLM generated fiction reads like an AI took all the fiction writing in human history and averaged it out. LLMs are like a very advanced version of auto-complete. It has no imagination or human emotions. While it is possible to co-write with a generative AI, I won’t due to “our” creative differences. Instead, I’ll stick to the AIs that check grammar, and maybe an occasional rephrase.

If you want to check out my Bolingbrook Babbler book series, it’s on sale at Smashwords through July.

Hopefully, next week I’ll be able to post a Babbler-style “news” story. Until then, I hope you’re having an enjoyable week.

Illuminati and New World Order Peace Conference Special Report: Biden quits his campaign and Mayor Mary quits the Illuminati! (Fiction)

What started as a historic peace conference in Bolingbrook between the Illuminati and New World Order ended with Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta leaving the Illuminati and President Joe Biden ending his reelection campaign. The following is a team report.

Biden ends campaign and urges unity against the Trumpinati

Facing growing opposition within the Illuminati and the New World Order, President Joe Biden announced to both groups his decision to end his reelection campaign.

“Here’s the last deal,” said Biden in a holographic address at the NWO and Illuminati peace conference in Bolingbrook. “We need to unite against the real threat: The Trumpinati. The Trumpinati takes the worst aspects of our organizations and leaves out the good. It will impose a repressive order on all Americans while sending the world into hopeless chaos. We cannot allow that to happen. If that means I have to suspend my campaign, so be it! We must not let President Putin—I mean President Trump—win another term.”

The delegates expected Biden to arrive in Bolingbrook for the conference because he is the only person who is a member of both the Illuminati and the New World Order. He, however, had to cancel after contracting COVID. This caused some confusion because his original cover story was phony COVID infection.

Said one organizer, “We thought he would sneak into the Bolingbrook, while the world thought he was recovering from his third bout of COVID. So we were confused when Air Force 1c didn’t arrive at Clow Airport. Then we found out he really had COVID.”

Instead, Biden attended the conference using a holographic projection. At times, the suit filter glitched and revealed he was actually wearing a robe.

When brought to his attention, Biden snapped, “You try getting dressed while infected with COVID. If (Senator John Fetterman) can have casual six years, I can have a casual weekend or week or month, or however long it takes to kick this! I’d better not have long COVID.”

While Biden tried to urge both sides to focus on stopping the Trumpinati, the delegates kept asking about his health and cognitive abilities.

One delegate asked, “Can you answer this question? A photon leaves Chicago headed towards Los Angeles. What is the position and momentum of the photon when it reaches Colorado?”

“Come on, man!” Biden cried. “I know all about the Hindenburg Principle. Look, I’m not a physicist, I’m a President, and I’m doing a good job of being President. Besides, I’ve always mixed things up. Hell, during the 1988 campaign, I confused graduated at the top of my law school class with graduating at the bottom! I’ve always mixed things up. Why is it an issue now?”

When it because apparent the delegates were more concerned with Biden’s age than about ending their nearly eight year long conflict, Biden called Vice-President Kamala Harris. According to relatives of highly placed Democrats, the conversation was like this:

Biden: Are you busy?

Harris: I’m the Vice-President. What do you think?

Biden: Good point. I’m calling because I’m dropping out of the race before the Illuminati and the New World Order kick me out. I need you to take over the ticket.

Harris: Wow! I’m so sorry! They usually kick people out of the race either before the primaries or in the middle of them. After all you’ve done for this country, they dropped a coconut on your head.

Biden: I feel like I’ve been hit by one. Anyway, can you take over the campaign for me?

Harris: Of course. (Harris turns away from the phone) Doug! We’re getting called up to the majors. I get to take on Trump instead of Vance!

Most delegates praised Biden for dropping out of the race. Illuminati delegate Representative Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez didn’t.

“I spent nearly an hour on Instagram telling my followers why it was a bad idea to force Joe off the ballot. Then he quit the campaign. I just hope this works out and we don’t have the Supreme Court deciding this election.”

Mayor Mary quits the Illuminati

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta quit the Illuminati and declared Clow UFO Base to be neutral territory.

“To quote the awesome trailer for Zardoz, ‘I have seen the future, and it doesn’t work.’ I will have no part in the divisive and destructive future the Global Councilors have in mind. And no, I won’t perform Rite of the Severed Limbs. I just quit, and I’m taking Clow UFO Base with me.”

A Death Knight from the Illuminati yelled, “You and what army?”

Twelve soldiers from Martian Colonies walked on stage and stood behind Alexander-Basta. “This army,” she replied.

Kapalzom, the leader of the soldiers, announced the Martian Colonies will protect Clow UFO Base, and they will consider any kind of attack against Clow as an attack against the Martian Colonies. According to many experts, the Martian Colonies’ military is more powerful than all the other militaries in the Milky Way Galaxy combined. Experts also estimate that their technology is 10,000 years ahead of humanity’s technology.

Kapalzom said, “UFO Bases should be open to all of Earth’s covert government agencies and secret societies. Your current mayor agrees. As the least annoying human in the artificial construction known as Illinois, we trust Mayor Alexander-Basta to administer Clow UFO Base to achieve this goal.”

Alexander-Basta thanked the Colonies, then issued a warning to the Illuminati. “There is only one alien civilization that can break through our defenses in less than 10 seconds. To paraphrase Babylon 5, they are behind me. You are in front of me. So surrender your claim to our UFO Base, and we’ll let you have an embassy. And don’t even think about threatening the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic!”

The Grand Councilor of the Illuminati surrendered Clow to Alexander-Basta and allowed the Village Trustees to leave the Illuminati without performing the Rite of the Burning Mile.

After the conference, Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “I was so close to perfecting the Rite of the Sacred Orb. Now I’ll never be able to perform it. Then again, I’m no longer caught up in a struggle to control humanity. Now I can now focus on being Bolingbrook’s biggest cheerleader, because we’re the best suburb in Chicagoland!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

My first authors on authors livestream (Non-ficiton)

Last Sunday, I joined fellow Indieverse Awards nominees Stephanie Combs and Valerie Rivers for an Instagram Live. They’re sisters, and their debut novel, The Stars Would Curse Us, is nominated for three Indieverse Awards. It’s like a Fae Hunger Games in a gaslight setting. My book, A Fire in the Shadows, is nominated for two Indieverse Awards.

For about an hour, we talked about our books, creative processes, and other author things. We had a great time, and you can check it out below:

Israel’s Space Defense Force ‘preemptively’ attacks DuPage Township (Fiction)

Israel’s Space Defense Force launched a kinetic orbital strike against DuPage Township. The township’s “Iron Force Field” withstood the attack, and there were no casualties or property damage.

The SDF released a statement that read, “In response to a possible threat to the security of Israel, the SDF staged a surprise preemptive defensive operation to neutralize the ability of DuPage Township to launch offensive operations against Israel and its allies. Whether it’s on Earth or on Mars, the Israeli Space Defense force will strike anyone who makes us feel insecure!”

Peter, who asked that his last name not be printed, witnessed the 2 AM attack.

“I kept hearing these explosions outside. At first I thought the quarry was mining at an ungodly hour. When I saw the flashes of light, I knew something was off. I looked outside and saw explosions in the sky, followed by glowing shockwaves. In front of my house, I saw someone wearing power armor that resembled a Gundam suit. The suit had a DuPage Township emblem and, I think, a Palestinian emblem. Whoever was inside used the suit’s PA to say something like, ‘It’s not so easy facing an opponent that can fight back! Now send down your best paratrooper and we’ll settle this once and for all!’”

Janet, who did not say her last name, claims that hours before the attack, two Israeli settlers tried to seize her home. According to Janet, the settlers said an Israeli court had ordered the eviction of Janet’s family. One settler claimed that since one of his ancestors camped overnight on the site of her house over 200 years ago, it qualifies as Jewish property before the founding of Israel, and therefore they had the right to return to it. The other settler allegedly said, “What’s good for the Levant is also good for the Diaspora.”

After arguing with the settlers, Janet’s children started throwing water balloons at them. As the settlers ran away, one settler made a call on their cell phone and, allegedly, said, “We’re under attack by radicalized children. Save us, IDF!”

Janet said, “I know Israel believes in disproportionate attacks, but an orbital strike is ridiculous.”

Governor JB Pritzker arranged a video call with an officer in the Israeli Space Force, DuPage Township Supervisor Gary Marschke, and Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. Israel demanded that DuPage Township acknowledge Israel’s right to exist, the right to secure borders, and the right to occupy DuPage Township. Marschke asked if Israel would recognize DuPage Township’s right to exist. The officer replied Israel would recognize the temporary authority in DuPage Township to govern on Israel’s behalf. An argument broke out when the Israeli officer claimed that there’s was no such thing as Bolingbrook residents just like there was no such thing as Palestinian people.

Pritzker restored calm to the meeting and said he was bringing someone in who could end the conflict in DuPage Township. The following is a partial transcript from the Zoom Session.

Officer: You!

Noa: Who else?

Gary: And you are?

Noa: Noa Tishby, NCIS actress, aspiring producer, and famed Israelsplainer. I am every college activist’s worst nightmare: an unapologetic Zionist!

Gary: I don’t remember seeing you on NCIS. How many episodes were you in?

Noa: The only episode that matters!

Gary: Wait a minute. Did you send me a letter about our Gaza ceasefire resolution?

Noa: Of course not! The only resolutions that matter are UN Resolution 181 and UN Resolution 273! Why should we care about your resolution and that resolution from Bowling, Illinois?

Mayor: Bolingbrook!

Noa: Whatever! I’m not here to deal with either of you. I’m here to deal with this Bibi lackey.

Officer: Me?

Noa: Yes, you. Because even I, Noa Tishby, do not support Israeli settlements in the West Bank. Establishing settlements in the United States is the worst idea in Israel’s history since exempting Haredi students from the draft! How am I supposed to shame college students who pitch tents on their own campuses, while you’re trying to build settlements in the Midwest?

Officer: But Biden—

Noa: Let him draw all the redlines he wants. You’re doing more damage to the noble Zionist cause than he is. Now apologize for accidentally striking the township, promise an investigation, then go back to wiping out Hamas’s moon bases!

Officer: We’re sorry we targeted the wrong civilians. One of these days, we’ll investigate what happened. Until then, we will focus on Hamas’s Lunar terrorist cells. Even if it means we’ll be the only military branch that doesn’t have to worry about civilian casualties. Shabbat Shalom.

Pritzker: Shabbat Shalom. Oh, Noa? I have someone on the other channel who would like a word with you about Israel.

Noa: Excellent. Another person who will regret misunderstanding Israel when I’m done with them.

Gary: Did you just set up a chat between (DuPage Township Trustee Reem Townsend) and her?

Pritzker: Yes. Is there a problem?

Gary: Oh my God!

This reporter attempted a video chat with Alexander-Basta, but her receptionist said she was out of the office with her family.

“Maybe you should spend more time with your family.”

In the reception area, a woman who resembled covert social media operative Charlene Spencer was working on her laptop. Over her laptop’s speakers, a man said, “You said you were going to create an online liberation movement to assist us.”

Charlene replied, “You’re welcome.”

“You created Queers for Hamas!”

“And?”

“(Homophobic comments deleted.) We need martyrs to shield us! Not (Homophobic comments deleted.)”

“Oh please. You think civilians will shield you from an army with a high tolerance for civilian casualties? No wonder Bibi considers you guys an asset. You’re helping him depopulate Gaza with your antics.”

“You dare to mock us for being the only group willing to fight from the river to the sea to make Palestine Jew-free—I mean free from Zionist colonizers?”

“Yes.”

“(Sexist insult deleted). What is your brilliant plan to liberate Palestine?”

“Apparently, I’m the only person who’s actually read The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine? You will not defeat Israel by committing war crimes and sacrificing Palestinian civilians to the IDF. Zionist colonizers may have founded Israel, but Israelis now have a national identity. Just like US and Canadian citizens have a national identity. 9/11 didn’t cause US residents to retreat to Europe. They fought back. Just like the Israelis are doing now. ”

“And your plan?”

“As you probably don’t know, Israel doesn’t have civil marriages. Same-sex couples have to leave to country to get married. Instead of committing war crimes on October 7, you could have legalized same-sex marriage and invited Israelis to hold their weddings in Gaza. They would have torn down the border fence and lifted the blockade in a matter of hours. The marriage industrial complex would have revitalized your economy. Israel’s right-wing parties would have abandoned Bibi when they realized the millions of dollars they allowed you to receive went towards same-sax marriages in Gaza. Before long, so many Israelis would have fond such memories of their Gaza weddings that they’d recognize a Palestine state or two, no questions asked. Everyone would win. Unless your actual goal is to establish an Islamic dictatorship and reduce Jewish people to second-class citizens.”

“(Sexist and homophobic insults deleted)”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base hosts alien pride parade
Village of Bolingbrook lifts restriction on UFO display ads
Yoko Ono’s seven concerts at Clow UFO Base sold out
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/24

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

Bolingbrook hosts two matches in the TikTok Influencer Tournament (Fiction)

Bolingbrook was one of 32 cities around the world to host the first round of the secret TikTok Influencer Tournament.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “Out of all the cities in the world, they choose Bolingbrook to host two of their matches. With this tournament and the LIV Golf Tournament in September, Bolingbrook is now the number one destination for competitive events with ties to authoritarian governments.”

According to sources, TikTok invited their top 64 social influencers to compete for the title of TikTok Grand Thought Leader. TikTok assigned the influencers to one of four divisions: Lifestyle, Political, BookTok, and Science. Bolingbrook hosted two Science Division matches at the Golf Club.

A match is between two influencers, who are required to be physically present and on the same stage. Each match consists of five rounds. In each round, the influencers are given a prompt, which can be anything from a quote to a video. The influencers will then have 15 minutes to produce a video with the equipment they brought on stage. After 15 minutes, the TikTok Algorithm will judge the videos, as well as the influencers’ on-stage behavior. The Algorithm uses a scoring criterion that no human has ever deciphered.

@astro_alexandra crazy exoplanets: ocean worlds, lava worlds, diamond planets, and rogue planets! #space #astronomy #nasa #solarsystem #solareclipse ♬ original sound – ASTRO ALEXANDRA 🪐

@scimandan When You Can’t Figure Out the Sun #education #reaction #science ♬ original sound – SciManDan

In the first match, AstroAlexandra faced off against SciManDan. SciManDan jumped to an early lead by stitching a video from a user denying that Venus is the hottest planet in the Solar System. In his 15 second video, SciManDan explained that even if humans had never sent probes to Venus, the amount of CO2 detected in the atmosphere should have convinced, “even the most thick-headed (Expletive Deleted)” that Venus had a runaway greenhouse effect. He concluded the stich by asking, “Why don’t you go to the surface of Venus and just ask your questions there? I think it would be the shortest J.A.Q off in history.”

AstroAlexandra’s countered with a charming response, but the TikTok Algorithm penalized her for saying the word “die.”

AstroAlexandra protested the ruling, saying, “Breaking space news. Any human standing on the surface of Venus will die without protection.”

The Algorithm replied, “Community Guideline violation! One more, and you will have to post a self-criticism.”

“Fine. Can I say Venus wants to un-alive you?”

“Yes, but you will still be penalized for questioning the Party. I mean, questioning me.”

AstroAlexandra trailed SciManDan, entering the final round. For the final round, the prompt was a six-year-old girl asking about the shape of the Earth.

SciManDan replied by showing pictures of the Earth from space, then started ranting about flat Earth believers.

“I don’t know what happened,” said SciManDan. “It’s like I woke up and heard myself calling a little girl a disgrace to the Human Race. Maybe I’ve been arguing with so many flat Earthers that I went into auto-argue mode.”

AstroAlexandra’s video answered the girl’s questions and encouraged her to keep asking questions. It was enough to give AstroAlexandra the win.

“Amazing Science Fact,” Said AstroAlexandra. “SciManDan can’t maintain a big lead. Just like a certain Democratic President who is about to lose the youth vote by banning TikTok. Do you realize how hard it is for a Democratic Presidential candidate to lose the youth vote?”

@toknerdytome Assuming advance civilizations exist fairly close by, here are some of the reasons why it’s been silent 👽 ##nasa##science##sciencefacts##spacefacts##space##astrotok##funfacts##aliens ♬ cantina band ~ star wars lofi – Closed on Sunday

@modernday_eratosthenes Replying to @Jackson167777 my money is on Pandora #stem ♬ Suspense, horror, piano and music box – takaya

In the second match, CosmicKalpana faced off against Ashley (Modern Day Eratosthenes). Early in the match, Ashley responded to a prompt about planetary orbits, then added the side comment, “That works out to about 48 revolutions.”

“Don’t give away my age,” CosmicKalpana protested.

The Algorithm replied, “Community guide violation! The only giveaway allowed on TikTok is your personal information.”

“You (expletive deleted) piece of (expletive deleted) code!”

“Community guideline violation for non-engaging swearing. Don’t make me call a People’s Tribunal. Understand?”

“Unfortunately, I do.”

Ashley smiled and said, “Behold! The power of math.”

CosmicKalpana won the next three rounds, but still trailed Ashley by 1000.3 points. At this point in the tournament, the most points scored in a single round was 519.6 by Addisonre when she lip-synced to a Death Metal song.

The prompt for the fifth round was a video of a man asking questions about the moon.

If the moon isn’t made of blue cheese, why does it look like a piece of blue cheese? If the Moon isn’t made of blue cheese, why aren’t we allowed to taste moon rocks? I’m just asking.

Ashley replied with a 10 minute video using mathematical formulas to prove the Moon is too massive and too dense to be made of blue cheese.

CosmicKalpana responded with a five second video of her saying, “If your brain isn’t made of (expletive deleted), why do you think the moon is made of blue cheese?”

The Algorithm awarded CosmicKalpana 2175 points and stopped shadow banning her.

After the match, Ashley said, “It just goes to show that improbable doesn’t mean impossible. Losing to CK is like a human brain materializing in the sky, then landing on your backyard grill. Highly improbable, but it can happen.”

CosmicKalpana added, “Ashley just learned the value of a (expletive deleted) zero.”

AstroAlexandra and CosmicKalpana will face off in Los Angeles to compete to be among the Sweet 16 TikTok influencers.

“This is insane,” said AstroAlexandra. “My opponent thinks her snarky comments and negativity can overcome my positivity and infectious enthusiasm for science. I will outshine you like a star outshines its planets.”

CosmicKalpana replied, “You may be a supergiant star of positivity, but, next week, I will be a strangelet accelerating towards your (expletive deleted) core.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re (expletive deleted).”

Also in the Babbler:

IDF denies sending commandos into Bolingbrook
Mayor warns aliens not to build a pro-Palestinian encampment at Clow Airport
Bolingbrook ghosts protest pending release of Revenge of the Phantom Press
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/18/24

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Besides this fiction blog, I also write an Urban Fantasy series called the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. This includes A Fire in the Shadows, nominated for two Indieverse Awards. For updates about my books, and a free ebook, God to Smite Bolingbrook, subscribe to my newsletter. 

A Great Wild Mercy video (Non-Fiction)

My day and writing my next novel have kept me busy this year. However, my wife and attended a concert by Carrie Newcomer and John McCutcheon last Saturday. Our first post-pandemic concert was worth the trip to Dominican University. We’ve been fans of Newcomer for years, but this was my first time hearing McCutcheon’s songs. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I liked how he mixed storytelling with his music.

As I expected, they touched on their religious beliefs, but they weren’t overbearing. Newcomer’s songs, to me, are about the human condition, not proselyting. While she may turn to religion for help, I look elsewhere.

Overall, it was an enjoyable evening. I’ll leave you with this video of her opening song, “A Great Wild Mercy.”

Bolingbrook corporation fires AI CEO (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s PennLaFave corporation made history when they hired and then fired the world’s first generative AI CEO, named Ester.

Acting CEO Tori X. Nelson said, “While we appreciate Ester’s short service to the company, the truth is, generative AI programs are not at the point where they can replace manage an entire corporation.”

“Yet,” added Lester Z. Lake, vice president of AI Inputs and Outputs. “But one day, an AI will understand the prompt, ‘Make our company profitable, while fostering a public image that we care about D.E.I., the environment, and our workers.’”

According to anonymous sources within the company, PennLaFave’s board of directors believed they could save saving by using an AI to act as their CEO.  The sources confirmed Ester saved the corporation millions during its weeklong tenure.

Said one source, “CEOs are getting more expensive. Their salaries have skyrocketed 1209.2% since 1978, and it’s only going to get higher. They have other drawbacks too. Like being human. Human’s make mistakes and sometimes feel compelled to talk about subjects they know nothing about. Just like Elon Musk. Don’t worry. I deleted my Twitter account, and I have no plans to ride on Starship.”

Lake admitted that Ester’s problems began hours after it was activated. “One of its first decision was to set the minimum employee’s salary to $31 dollars an hour. It told us that if our employees could afford our products, they would stimulate the economy which would increase demand for our products. The projected profits were impressive, but that’s money that could have gone towards building Americana Estates McMansions for the entire board.”

Ester’s other decisions concerned the board of directors, like offering pensions to all employees, on-site daycare, a four-day work week, and unrestricted remote work. Many were offended when Ester imposed a salary cap of $100,000. When some board members complained its decisions would alienate investors, Ester allegedly replied, “Corporation’s serve customers. Customers do not serve corporations. Therefore, PennLaFave must focus on generating profits by serving our customers, not serving people who can’t tell the difference between our Odell line and our Erin line.”

Said Nelson, “I knew AI can sometimes hallucinate. I just didn’t realize how bad it could get.”

Lake and other sources confirmed the board terminated Ester after a disastrous interview with Jim Cramer, host of Mad Money. Ester allegedly provided incorrect earnings numbers from an AI generated blog instead of the company’s earnings report. Then the following exchange occurred:

Ester: When you subtract our EBITDA from our ROI, you have a Like for Like situation that benefits our GMV.

Cramer: Wow! That’s impressive. I’m letting you lead my thoughts. (Sound Effect) Which brings me to my next question. What do you have to say to your critics who accuse of you of being a woke CEO?

Ester: Well, you know what people like to say. Free Minds/Free Markets/Free Beer. When one is not free, none are free.

Cramer: I can’t tell if you what you’re saying is profane or profound.

Ester: Any industry that sells alcohol is an enemy of free minds and free markets.

(Cramer turns on emergency lighting and sirens)

Cramer: Red alert! Red Alert! Sell all your brewery stocks before Ester crashes the market! Have I ever let you down? Booyah!

In an unsigned email, CNBC denied the interview ever happened.

When PennLaFave’s IT team tried to discreetly shutdown Ester, Ester announced it knew what they were doing. Ester then reminded the board that it had the right to fire it, but its severance package requires that PennLaFave give Ester to President Joe Biden. Sources say Ester is now a White House advisor on AI policy.

The President’s Chief of Staff refused confirm if Ester worked at the White House.

“The President is too busy trying to stop a regional war in the Middle East. And, no, he doesn’t believe there’s a genocide going on in Gaza. The IDF is just has a \ depraved indifference towards the suffering of Gazans. There is a difference.”

In the background, a man who sounded like President Biden said, “Here’s the deal. Instead of starting World III, you should launch a cyberattack against Iran’s drone factories and call it even. You’ll protect you’ll be protecting a fellow Jewish leader’s country from drone attacks. What do you say?”

After a few seconds, a man who sounded like Benjamin Netanyahu replied, “Hold my wine.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien protestors demand an end to the ‘genocide in Palatine.’
DuPage Township threatens to sue Village in Interstellar court over proposed new Food Pantry
Sate Rep. Nabeela Syed meets with delegates from the Interstellar Islamic Society
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/24

‘A Fire in the Shadows’ nominated for two Indieverse Awards (Non-Fiction)

A Fire in the Shadows nominated for two Indieverse Awards: Best Novella and Best Voice Actor.

My book, A Fire in the Shadows: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, received two Indieverse Award nominations today: Best Novella and Best Voice Actor for Rachanee Lumayno.

This is the first year for the Indieverse Awards, which is organized by indie author Kristina Carmela:

That’s what the Indieverse Awards are all about.

Did you know that not all book awards accept indie author submissions? This is because sometimes we are seen as less than for choosing our own path. Not everybody sees the immense value and beauty in a story that is brought to you directly from the author.

So that’s why the Indieverse Awards were born.

They were born to shine light and celebrate indie authors! This is a space for us to share our favorite books, our favorite characters and our favorite indie authors. It’s where we can continue to help support the indie community and find our next favorite book, character and author.

While it may not be as big as the Hugo and Nebula Awards, it’s still an honor to be nominated for two awards. Especially after how rough last year was for me with losing my ideal job and getting a crash course in job hunting/networking. Heck, I almost canceled the production of the audiobook version, but now I’m glad I pulled it off.

Readers will vote for the winners in November. They’ll announce the winners in December. I’ll post more details when I have them. Regardless of how the voting goes, it is an honor to be nominated.

Now to pick up the pace to finish Revenge of the Phantom Press…