Representatives from the Illuminati named Elon Musk as February’s Man of the Month during a gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
Illinois Master Councilor Alpha said, “Last year, the Illuminati was on the verge of surrendering to the Trumpinati. Thanks to Mr. Musk’s genius, and his generous investment of $270 Million dollars, we are winning and Trump is losing!”
Musk addressed the conference from Washington, DC by video chat. At first, he silently swayed with his eyes closed. After Alpha called out Musk, Musk opened his eyes.
“Thank you for waiting,” said Musk. “I was one with the universe. Did you notice how everything was more efficient?”
The delegates responded with nervous laughter.
Musk accepted the award and bragged about spending more to buy Twitter than he did to buy the United States. He thanked China and Russia for making the “purchase” possible. Then he thanked Former President Joe Biden.
“Thanks to his timidness, my assistant President could make a political comeback. I also want to thank him for not canceling my government contracts. As the first CEO of America, I promise I won’t let my opponents get a dime of my federal funding.”
Musk then promised that his partnership with the Illuminati was a win-win arrangement. “When this coup is complete, you get the global chaos you always wanted, and I get the federal treasury. Instead of spending it on global AIDS treatments, or feeding unworthy humans, I will spend it on tax cuts for my friends, and a city on Mars for me.”
Musk then got emotional and said he appreciated the love from all members of the Illuminati. “You know, your love is so overwhelming. It makes me want to…” Musk trembled while the delegates wondered if he was about to give them a Nazi salute. Instead, Musk grabbed two hammers and seemingly used them to imitate a soldier’s goose-stepping. “You make we want to play my favorite Pink Floyd song.”
He played a music video for “Run Like Hell,” featuring the members of DOGE and himself performing a choreographed dance. The dance resembled a musical number for the move version of The Wall. Later in the video, Postmaster Louis DeJoy delivered a cardboard box with red paint splattered over it.
After the video, the members of the Illuminati gave Musk a standing ovation, followed by chants of “Fnord!”
Musk replied, “The best rocket part is no rocket part. The best FAA is no FAA. The best government is no government!”
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