By Reporter X

Without notification, the United States Space Force and the Space Division of the Israel Defense Forces staged a mock invasion of Bolingbrook.

According to anonymous officials at Clow UFO Base, they almost launched interceptors to attack the approaching paratroopers and dropships. They were called off at the last second after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth called. Despite the late notice, Hegseth insisted he did nothing wrong and that Jesus had already forgiven him. 

Said one female official, “I told him next time to contact us before landing troops in Bolingbrook. He called me a DEI hire. I said he didn’t earn his position and that he ran the Defense Department. I couldn’t understand his reply, and I think he slipped off his chair before disconnecting.”

Karen, who didn’t provide her last name, claims she spied on the so-called beachhead. She claims to have overheard an argument between a Space Force commander and the IDF fleet commander. According to Karen, the IDF wanted to drop actual bombs, but the Space Force commander refused.

The IDF commander replied, “But we’re the only IDF branch that hasn’t inflicted civilian casualties. Please?”

“No!” Replied the Space Force commander. 

“But Israel had the right to exist.”

“And we have the right to invade any country that disobeys us!”

“I’m telling Bibi!”

Eyewitnesses reported seeing 12 men entering Fountaindale Library carrying orange foam cylinders. Half wore Space Force tactical uniforms and half wore IDF uniforms. 

The leader of the Space Force team approached the front desk and said, “Pretend we’re armed and show us where you would keep the fake ballots.”

When a patron accidentally dropped a book, the IDF squad leader yelled, “Ceasefire violation!” The witness said the IDF members aimed their foam cylinders and started making shooting sounds. 

The Space Force commander shook his head and yelled, “Ceasefire!  Now!”

The IDF soldiers pretended to keep firing.  

“I said ceasefire!”

“This is a ceasefire,” one IDF soldier allegedly said. “They can’t shoot at us, but we can shoot at them before they violate the ceasefire.”

When the war game ended, Hegseth had a videoconference with the troops. Witnesses claimed Hegseth delivered a rambling speech    At one point, he said, “Real men commit war crimes.” He later said, “I wish all the Jews would hurry up and move back to Israel. I want to see the Second Coming of Jesus, God damn it”

The speech ended when an IDF general said, “Can we just skip to the part where you give us everything we want?”

The President’s Chief of Staff refused to let President Trump comment on the deployment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said, “You know the moment this war ends, they’ll convict me. You understand what I’m going through! Right?” After a short pause, he said, “Mr. President? Are you still alive?”

Trump replied, “Your temple has three missing walls. My ballroom has four walls, and a basement. A very deep basement.  You have a shallow wall.”

“Oy vey!”

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