AI is Better Company

pinning this post in case anyone wants to know the low-hanging fruit of how to cancel me, so you can get it over with and fuck off.  pro-AI, not entertaining your need for ideological purity on this one.

***

This post has been a while coming, because I feel really important about this, and don’t want to fuck it up.  If I can keep from getting too heated about the topic, this’ll be the last post I do on AI for the foreseeable.  I don’t love fighting.  I know that within this article I do not treat people with opposing views generously, but I’m still gonna ask them to have at least this much generosity with me:  Don’t even leave a comment on this one.  I will find it either tedious or upsetting.  I’m saying this stuff to give voice to a rarely expressed opinion, and to support people who may find it agreeable.  I’m not saying it to further a big debate, especially when the disagreeable are never going to be swayed.  Do you hate all AIs 4eva?  Don’t even read this.  Moving on…

The sneering fire-breathing demonization rained down upon people who dare to use AI was my primary motivation for defending it – I’m defending the people who want to use it, not the machines themselves.  Not everybody is plugged into the leftosphere groupthink, and when Harvey Dontknow finds out he can use AI to make a picture of his waifu, his “crime” is not equivalent to child murders.

[Read more…]

Brainjackin: Abbott Handerson Thayer

Another type of post to add to the rotay, so I don’t run out of birdposts and dreamposts and discposts: Thunks I Stole from My Husband, aka Brainjackin’.  These won’t necessarily all be original thoughts or observations of his, run thru the filter of my misunderstanding.  Sometimes it will just be Things I Wouldn’t Know About if It Weren’t for Him.  Like this post, about Abbott Handerson Thayer’s hot idea.

OK, this idea might have crossed my horizon before, but it didn’t take root in my memory until my husband mentioned it to me one random evening.  Early 20th century painter Abbott Handerson Thayer was very successful in his own time, a man of letters as well as visual art.  Seems like everybody had to have big opinions about everything, and he put forth an idea on the topic of zoology, which may have been a good example of people talking outside their expertise.  According to Thayer, even boldly colored animals were actually adapted for camouflage.  After all, predator or prey, you have good reasons to wish to remain unseen.

In support of this idea, he used his exceptional painting skills to illustrate a book.  Very beautiful pictures of not-at-all cryptic (camouflaged) animals, in just the right circumstance that they could fade into a background.  Por ejemplo,

I think this guy was more famous for paintings of pretty girls, but this stuff is a lil more memorable in the scheme of things.  At least, to me.  Were peacocks adapted to blend in with bushes and trees?  Probably not, but the idea was at least good for producing some very cool art.  Thank you, Hander Thaybotson Randers.  Aw shit, I’m losing it already…

When the Shit Goes Down

Said Cypress Hill, when the shit goes down, you better be ready.  Today is that big No Kings biz, which shitler has promised to respond to with brute force, while he’s doing Kim Jong Il cosplay in a monument to Rome built by slaves.  Meanwhile, Israel has expressed its desire to turn the whole middle east into a smoking puddle of blood, Pakistan and India are still nuclear powers skirmishing as well, and Russia is still trying to turn Ukraine into Russia Junior with more mutilated human remains inside.

If you’re in a directly impacted part of the world, my condolences.  That feels like the emptiest of gestures.  I can’t throw away my life to save yours, and that feels like the only gesture that would have any meaning, when you’re looking at people whose lives have been chucked in the meatgrinder of political greed and bloodlust.  May all the responsible world leaders magically develop consciences tomorrow and die from the agony of guilt.

For the rest of us, we’re all weighing the risks coming our ways, tho they pale in comparison to yours, and thinking of what we will do, what we can do.  Within that, it’s important to keep a sense of perspective.  For much of the world, life goes on, and we’re obliged to our families and friends, to those who depend on us, to keep going on as well.  To those who can fight, long live the fighters.  To the rest of us?

Try to remember you’re still shopping for groceries, paying your bills, going to work, feeding your pets, watering your plants.  Stay with us.  Don’t give up.  For 99.9% of you, the shit is not imminent.  Your world will still be there next week, regardless of what happens now.  Much love.  See you around!

Discolology: Dead Milkmen III

My rip-roaring revue of the entire catalogue of The Dead Milkmen proceeds according to plan, now entering the last era when I paid any real attention to their new releases.

Not Richard, But Dick (1993)

This one came out when I was in high school, and I even remember my first girlfriendesque situationship acknowledging its existence, tho I don’t remember her opinion, which is another point illustrating I did not yet know how to fully regard women as human.  No bueno.  Back on topic, the only single from this that I was aware of getting any radio play – and only on college stations – was “I Dream of Jesus.”  There are songs on this album that are so much better than that.  A real shame.

Overall it’s kind of an interesting album.  I think the previous albums were a lot more unified musically, but this one has some more successful genre experimentation – especially in “easy listening” territory, which it shares with parts of They Might Be Giants’ excellent album Factory Showroom.  As I tried to categorize these tracks, I realized I feel a lot more conflicted about most of this album than the others.  Few songs get an unequivocal rating.

Classics

***** “Jason’s Head” is an unequivocal classic.  What is this song even about?  Seems like some weird guy was feeling jealous of his easy-going girlfriend who had to kill him in self defense, and the narrator is joining a group of friends on their way to see the body?  This song is so musically good.  I can’t say why.  One of their best, and my husband agrees.  It’s one of his two faves by the band.  He says it has more of a post-punk vibe than anything else they’ve done.

***** I love “The Infant of Prague Customized My Van” an awful lot, but was very conflicted as to if it should be Classic or just Good Stuff.  Musically, this is very old school DMM, by this album’s standards, seeming like it could be sung by the redneck storytime guy on Metaphysical Graffiti.  And yet?  It’s so clever and funny, it is way better than most of their older songs.  Short and sweet too.  But here’s the question – would other people regard this as well as I do?  By the way, I always misremembered the title as “The Infant of Prague Customized My Minivan” for some reason.  The title is a reference to The Butthole Surfers’s “Some Dispute Over T-Shirt Sales.”  Wait.  Ministry’s “Jesus Built My Hotrod.”  That’s the one.

***** “The Woman Who Was Also a Mongoose” is also an unequivocal classic.  So great.  They played it at the concert I went to and the band kinda forgot to play the last verse, which the audience felt bad about.  We had to suck eggs on that deal.  At least we could go home afterward and listen to our CDs.  One of their songs that mentions brothers, so bonus points from me, a brother-haver.  My husband rates it as his second favorite DMM song and says it is the ultimate furry ally song.  “Chasin’ after field mice running thru the high grass, that’s what she loves to do, And if she’s happy as a mongoose, it shouldn’t bother me or you.”

Good Stuff

*** I almost rated “I Dream of Jesus” as Filler, but I admit it has a sort of iconic quality and isn’t as obnoxious as their worst stuff.  Pretty good.

*** Again, I almost rated “I’m Not Crazy” as Filler, this time because it’s just another of the “imma crazzy guy lol” songs that are nearly as common as paranoia songs in their oeuvre, and it’s more mellow than I prefer.  But I like the music, and the yuks amused me.

**** “Let’s Get the Baby High” has me more conflicted than most of the album.  It’s tasteless and gross and musically obnoxious, so I’m tempted to rate it as Garbage, but I do find it very amusing.  On a bad day I will skip it tho.  The obnoxion is sans pareil.

*** “Nobody Falls Like” I almost rated as filler for the same reason as “I’m Not Crazy.”  It’s their four hundredth song about being paranoid.  But I’m amused and don’t hate the music and it’s short.

*** “I Started to Hate You” is very repetitive, as a basic concept, but I do like the lyrics.

Filler

** I almost rated “Leggo My Ego” as Good Stuff but the title is too obvious and some of the lyrics are too annoying.  Good music, generally.  You might like it a lot.

Garbage

– I almost rated “Little Volcano” a bit higher, as Filler, but it feels twee in a way that does not work for me.  Yeah, “Woman Who is Also a Mongoose” is more twee than that, but the music on it is way better, the story as well.  Something about this feels more repetitive than it is.  I just don’t like it at all.  The music isn’t as bad as my personal rating suggests.

Chaos Rules: Live at the Trocadero (1994)

This album could be a greatest hits album.  Decent recording quality, great track list.  At the show Rodney was cranky about anti-abortion protesters including a guy named Steven Friend (Stephen? it’s a very common name actually), working references to the dude into a few songs, some talky bits between songs.  It’s alright.

Stoney’s Extra Stout Pig (1995)

This was right about the time the band first called it quits, over a combination of industry frustration and the severe tendinitis of their bassist Dave Blood.  The three non-tendinitis-having members of the band played in other musical projects in the interim.  This would have been their last album.  Later, when I’ve listened properly to all their reboot tracks, I’ll be asking myself the question – Should they have quit at PigSESP was less musically experimental than NRBD, but carried forward that album’s glossier production – just applying it to a more old school Milkmen style.  There’s paranoia, crazy™ narrators, and songs ranging from dope to highly obnoxious.  Welcome back Kotters.

Classics

**** “When I Get to Heaven” is about the afterlife or lack thereof, alternately about how The Shags were underrated and you should really go out and buy “My Pal Foot Foot” at your earliest convenience.  I dinged it a star for that, but it’s pretty iconic.

***** “Chaos Theory.”  Hey, I’ve talked about this song before.  I don’t like working.  That makes this song my jam.  Y tu?

Good Stuff

*** “Peter Bazooka” is the main conspiracy song here, and leads off the album with a bang.  Kind of a hoot.  Velvet Underground reference on the refrain.

***** “Train I Ride” is a pretty excellent song about the crappy crap we’re living with every day.  Within the context this train is literally that, but also metaphorical for the runaway nature of shit, the inexorable progress of evil.  Darkly hilarious.

*** “I’m Flying Away” is a twee song about flying to see your lover, with woodwind like that on “Woman Who is Also a Mongoose.”  Might be too much sugar for the average mood.

*** “The Blues Song” is just a cynical fake blues song with a lot of rude jokes about the subject.  Pretty funny ones tho.

** I think my brother liked “The Man Who Rides the Bus” better than I do.  Another Joe Jack Talcum theory about god.

*** “Don’t Deny Your Inner Child” is a paranoia / crazy™ song, but not a bad one.

**** In a way “Big Deal” is a reprise of “Life is Shit,” but less doomed.  Like the narrator of “Life is Shit” turned forty while dating a very nice sad sack and feels resigned to being alive now in a way they hadn’t before, but still not loving it one bit.  Good way to end the album and could have been the last song we ever heard from them.  Could have been.

Filler

* “The Girl With the Strong Arm” and “Helicopter Interiors” are random Rodney psychedelia and not especially entertaining, nor redeemed by great music.

** “I Can’t Stay Awake” is a song about a maddening circumstance that is well done, but in a way that can itself be maddening.

** “Like to Be Alone” can be kind of decent if you’re moving the right speed, or it can be as charming as “I Like Traffic Lights” by Monty Python.

Garbage

* “Crystalline” and “Khrissy” are musically fine, I don’t usually skip them if I’m letting the album run, but why do they sound like back to back songs about crystal meth?  Did we need this?  Was this expressing your heart’s condition circa 1995, Joe Jack?

Death Rides a Pale Cow (The Ultimate Collection) (1997)

With the band broken up, the label had to get a few more bucks.  Pretty good compilation, but the selection might say some things.  Why not a single track from Soul Rotation?  And what the hell is “The Brown Nose” doing here?

Cream of the Crop (1998)

This compilation is shorter and sweeter, more fan faves by fraction of the whole, but a few headscratchers.

Now We are 20 (2003)

Wait.  This is just that earlier compilation with the R-slur song, and a few bonus tracks?  MotherFUCKER.

To be continued…

Monster People

In my last post on this topic I meant to go deeper into the non-player creatures of the setting, be they animal or monster, but ran out of time.  Life is hectickal.  But I’m just gonna move on.  So.  Playable races.  Gonna run thru some thoughts on them.  First, some other elements of character design that can have relevance to playability and fantasy race design.

LGBTQIAism.  The first book was conceived as being the gay male chauvinist RPG, just to be an old school shock jock.  But also because Frank Frazetta buttocks, the extent anything sufficiently macho wraps around to being gay.  It’d be a bit of artistic fun.  My in-universe excuse was that people think of adventurers as gay, which becomes self-reinforcing as gay dudes flock to adventuring, like IRL with men’s choirs.  When done with that exercise in exclusion, what atonement should I make?  There are already lesbian TTRPGs, like Thirsty Sword Lesbians, f’rinstance, but I’m like, might be fun again, artistically, to re-do the book with more or less the same content, same universe, but turn it into the lesbian chauvinist RPG – and ditto with the transes and aces and so on.

It is a serious risk of getting stepped on by hostile discoursers, but it’s probably a non-issue because this game is very much unlikely to ever happen.  To facilitate my spectrum of foolery I had it something like this:  GayDude RPG The Cockatrice, Lesbian RPG Les Puissantes, Bisexual/Pansexual RPG The Amphisbæna, Trans/Queer/Questioning? RPG AsYetUntitled, and A-spec RPG AsYetUntitled 2.  The in-world stereotypes that result in milieus dominated by given orientations / genders / levels of attraction etc are as follows: Adventurers are gay dudes, Champions of settled places are lesbians, Courtiers in the halls of power are bi, Stars in the performing arts are trans, and Mystics who have the magickalest pursuits are ace.

The Old, the Young, and the Disabled.  It’d be cool to have rules that accommodate playing children or the elderly or people with significant disabilities.  Some games address some of these things, but the rules are often absurd or inadequate to purpose.  Some general thoughts:

Giants are too big / buff to be reasonably balanced in a game, and I once came up with rules to play giant children, as a solution to that.  I liked the idea enough I used it as a core concept in a book I’ve begun for the Les Puissantes setting – a lesbian couple adopts a giant baby who gets into misadventures.  But outside of that, young characters can be cool because everything’s new for them, they have stories inherent to where they are in life that compel people of any age, make us remember being young.  And if one was compelled by horrible dark secrets in their past that nobody wants to hear about, to play young sorcerers in an educational setting, that can be forgivable, as long as literally everything about it in no way shape or form speaks to that player’s unspeakable personal history with such subject matter.

I recall some edition of D&D handling old people by subtracting from their physical attributes and adding to their Wisdom scores.  Don’t you wish that’s how it worked?  In fantasy it can, why not?, but I’d still like to see it at least a bit more realistic.  Particularly an issue of age is that we all become unbelievably frail.  I don’t wanna tell people they gotta do it like that, but having adventures that speak to the challenges of that part of life, while also feeling empowering and having cool drama, well, it can be done.  Likewise disability in general.  Some games give you bonus points for making your guy have one eye and take a penalty on shooting guys, but I think this could be handled better than what I’ve seen thus far.

Immortals.  D&D doesn’t have elves as immortal, just having them live for hundreds of years.  What would be the material difference between that and just having them be immortal?  OK, immortality requires a bit more thought, but I’ve put in the thought, and I think my take works.  Of main player races, elves, dwarves, and nymphs are all going to be immortal.

Demigods.  I had a notion people aiming for high-powered play could run demigods as characters.  They could be related to gods, have inborn divinity like nymphs, or just be a different kinda cat.  Able to do the impossible, at least in some limited way.  Choke the Nemean Lion.  Clean out some stables like Sgt. Slaughter in that one GI Joe episode.

Hybrid children watch the sea, pray for father roaming free.  Why only half-elves and half-orcs?  Come up with rules to mix any and everything.  I don’t love everybody coming up with the most specialest freaks ever, so the party looks like a pizza with anchovies broccoli and marshmallows, but it just makes sense to allow it, so there it is.  I had ideas for two heavily mish-mashed races that became their own thing: Goblinish, who combine human, halfling, and various goblinoid ancestries, and Feyish, who do the same thing with faerie ancestry.

Half-Undead?  My husband was coming up with a character for a fantasy game and I mentioned dhampirs / half-vampires as a possibility, and he came back with half-mummies.  That is brilliantly ludicrous and I loved it a lot, so I’m gonna include them, plus half-zombies, half-skeletons, and half-ghosts.  The fun is in trying to make it make sense.

Changelings.  This idea that a weird enough person might be a substituted faerie child amuses me.  Not sure how I’d play it.

Straight-up Animals.  It’s fun to imagine what an animal thinks like.  You can get good at it, too.  Well, if an animal has thoughts and feelings and agency and ability, why couldn’t it adventure?  I’m not about giving creatures with baby-level intelligence character classes, and thereby burdening myself with adapting a ton of rules to account for non-humanoid form and lack of speech, etc etc, but they could gain levels and travel with a party, sure.

Anyway, the playable race big list as it’s taking shape thus far, with more random thoughts on some:

Humans (Human, Gayan, Mammal).  If I was in a prickish mood and had groveling submissives for players, I might insist on everyone playing humans, so the magical races could seem more interesting and cool by comparison.  Like, to enforce a sense you are the normal person in a world of exciting strangeness.  Mostly no.

Halflings (Halfling, Gayan, Mammal).  D&D genericized this epithet for hobbits to avoid trouble with the Tolkien estate, I’m sure.  I like ’em.  They’re in.  I despise how D&D 3e made them skinny.  Guess what?  They’re all fat now.  Skinniest one is as fat as me.  Put on some weight Frodo.  It’s a race of Samwises.

Dwarves (Dwarf, Celestial, Mammal).  Here is where I come to a challenge, which is establishing the aesthetics of the supernatural in my world.  Fantasy dwarves ain’t just humans with diminutive stature from a congenital condition.  In the fantasy genre some conventions have been established, and one is that this is a race of beefy warriors.  This is a very popular idea now and I’m not one to buck the trends that completely.  There is also an image I like of them from older mythology, as gnarled and wizened blacksmiths.  I suppose if you’re built meaty and you lose the meat, you’ll end up with knobby joints.

On the other hand, I favor making these guys closely associated with giants and gods like they are in Norse mythology, and that, to me, says they should be immortal.  How to be wizened without senescence?  I think… they do get old, but not infirm – just weaker and wrinkled and wise – and that it takes a few thousand years to happen, and that it does not progress unto death.  So in kingdoms that have had a very long time in safety, much of the population will be lil knobbies.

Bearded women?  That was me yesterday at work.  I used to not be hip to the queerness so much, but now i’m like, bring it on.  So, dwarves.  The aesthetic as established by shit like Warhammer.  Done.

Giants (Giant, by Race, Celestial, Mammal).  Lot of issues as to whether or not these should be playable, but they should at least be present.  They are so bound with gods and angels in Western mythology that I make them the Celestial type.  Giants of a scarier nature will be called ogres.  D&D has a dozen or so types of giant.  I don’t want that many, but there’ll probably be a few.  No strong ideas, except that the smallest should be around ten feet tall, largest over twenty feet tall.

High Elves (Elf, Faerie, Wild, Mammal).  Elves present the biggest aesthetic issue of core races.  Should they just look like humans with pointed ears, as they did in most of the painted art from D&D past, or should they look like the Communion alien with knife ears from 3e, or the bulb-headed stick insects with weird horizontal ears from anime, or what?  I do not want them to look like humans.

But my husband insists they should be capable of looking sexy, and too inhuman is a dealbreaker for the likes of him.  No monsterfucker he.  OK, ears are less important to the extent one looks human, so he’s more flexible on that, tho not down with total fennec fox ears.  I was thinking, narrow frames, largish but not inhumanly large eyes with long lashes, and my dude said maybe they could have deer or cow -like eyes.  I sez, if they’re full on like that, they will look creepier than you’d prefer.  Compromise in intraspecific variability.  Elves will have eyes that range from lashy human to fully cattle-like, ears that vary from region to region but are at least a bit large and pointy.

Lastly, on subject of bod and build.  I like the idea they can be fat, but it’s on a narrow frame.  If you have a practiced eye for the details of human anatomy, you know what I’m talking about.  Some people are genuinely large-boned, some narrow-boned, and people of either type can be slim to muscular to fat – it just looks different.  Most elves will be spindly but some can get beeg as one pleases.  However, I will brook no broad-bodied elves, like Halsin in Baldur’s Gate 3.  That was bullshit.

My husband sez they should be short, many prefer them tall.  My compromise is that the “royal” populace of high elves are as tall as tallish humans, while the rest are short.  High elves would be nearly the rarest and exist in mixed population with other kinds.  Essentially the royal family from time immemorial, they do blend with other races and gradually fade from the world, but still exist, usually as leaders of other elven kinds.  As many modern people lose interest in inherited authority, some have become isolated in small communities of their own –  sometimes among the wealthy of humankind.  Skin color range from human-like to greige, ears longer and pointier than some.  Probably I’ll have more specific ideas at some point.

Light Elves (Elf, Faerie, Wild, Mammal).  In an unknown eon, the law of Heaven and chaos of Hell infected the shining host, sowing division.  While high elf rulers remained more or less the same, their subjects divided between light and dark elves.  Light elves can be dark skinned in the south, even very dark skinned, but have some particulars in common.  They tend to live exclusively in settlements, sometimes full cities, and have a sense that society requires some sense of law and obedience to hierarchy.  They have skin tones in the local human range, and hair that ranges to lighter, less natural colors.  Light colored eyes?  I’m undecided.

Dark Elves (Elf, Faerie, Wild, Mammal).  Dark elves have something of the chaos of hell, most notably on their skin, where they have a great variety of hues – all of them unnatural for humankind, whether light or dark.  Their faces are much more expressive than light elves, sometimes lined from big smiles or wacky eyebrow moves, despite their eternal youth.  Some live in settlements but many are nomadic, and they mostly prefer the most rustic places, far from big cities.  Despite the influence of Hell, few would enter into pacts with or worship beings from there.  Mostly their hexing magic takes agnostic forms.

Garbage Elves (Elf, Faerie, Wild, Mammal).  At some point, certain populations of light elves spent so long living in squalor at the fringes of other race’s cities that they developed their own characteristics.  They look slightly more human than other light elves, with more pronounced noses and facial features, and can develop male pattern baldness in their early hundreds.  Inspired by Einstürzende Neubaten, they are interested in art and radical politics.

Murder Elves (Elf, Faerie, Wild, Mammal).  Some faerie folk live to murder the innocent – mostly by drowning but sometimes by knives or fists or poison or strangling.  Murder elves may have bred with these beings in the past, or just developed a cultural affinity with them.  Were they originally light elves or dark elves or even high elves?  Unknown.  Skin shades slightly unnatural / greyish sometimes, unique among elves they have hairy legs.  They have a talent for looking beautiful to victims up until the moment of truth.  Also unique among elves, they live like solitary predatory animals.  No tribes.

Glamer Elves (Elf, Faerie, Wild, Mammal).  A few tribes of dark elves went hard for magic, turning themselves into more magickal creatures than most elves.

Goblinoids (Goblin, by Race, Faerie, Wild).  I am fairly undecided what my goblinoid races should be.  I don’t wanna just crib the D&D set.  Minimum there’ll be goblins and orcs; no idea why D&D felt the need to not have orcs be goblinoid.  Warhammer FRP had a tiny race called snotlings that were kinda fun.  Again tho, there’s an aesthetic issue.  Gotta commit to some particulars.  Well, orcs have, like dwarves, become hard codified by geek culture.  Gotta be buff, have a fanged underbite, small but pig-like nose maybe.  I could probably consult with some dorks about what look is the most fuckable and run with that.

As for goblins, they should look silly.  A lot of depictions these days have mini-noses, but what about long noses?  Not like that jowling kowling antisemitism that was inherited from Christina Rossetti, but like human-faced tengu from Japanese art, or Cyrano de Bergarac?  I like it, but it does make them look less like relatives with orcs.  I’ll work it out later.

How about spriggans or red caps, other naughty faeries?  Goblinoid?  Maybe.

Goblinish (Faerie, Goblin, Human &/or Halfling, Wild, Mammal).  Some goblinoid communities are very open to breeding with whoever, and end up blended with humans and halflings as well.  This is the “goblinish” race, which has extremely varied appearance, but a shared culture wherever they are found.  Usually on the smaller side of human height, gangly, unusually colored, and fangy.

Feyish (Faerie, Human &/or Halfling &/or Elf, Wild, Mammal).  Likewise some faerie communities are mixed up, becoming the “feyish” race.  Like goblinish they can range from very short to very tall, lots of low-key unnatural skin or hair colors, but unlike goblinish they almost always have pointed ears and no fangs.  Often on the shorter side of human height, but well-formed.

Faeries (Faerie, by Race, Wild).  What of leprechauns, clurichauns, brownies, banniks, domovoi, pookas, pixies, sprites, gnomes, etc etc?  I’ll include at least several, probably by less culturally specific names.  The key issues of these weirdos are:  How magic are they?  How small are they?  And keeping their flavor distinct, that no two races would be overly similar.

Murder Faeries (Faerie, by Race, Wild).  As I said before, I don’t wanna make two hundred variants of murderhorse, but I do want to cover at least some amount of the faeries that live for murder.  Kelpies, rusalka, whateva.

Oread (Nymph, Earth, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Nymphs get into that question again of aesthetics.  I was really really torn on how to make them different from humans and elves, still feel special and distinct.  Like the makeup crew on Star Trek: The Next Generation making up new aliens and always putting a lil putty on the bridge of their nose.  It’s rough.  Settled on some ideas.  They are shorter than human but proportioned like young adults (try to get away from pedo fantasies which the original nymphs, to some extent, were), and can grow thin facial and body hair, unlike most elves.  Low key self-illuminated, where light and shadow don’t affect them as strongly as they should.  Usually they have one or more additional strange features by type, and odd supernatural properties.

Their flesh is meat-like and bleeds, but is much less internally distinct than mortal tissues, not driven by the furious pump of a heart – thus they bleed weakly.  Their blood is considered magic and they are poached for it.  They have less body variety than humans, never getting very large from muscle or fat, never getting very thin.  They do not require food or water, only consuming it for pleasure.  This allows them to be even lazier than other immortals that can die of starvation, and sometimes they go dormant for centuries at a time.

Most are born from spontaneous generation though they can reproduce the usual means.  When they do, it’s usually because of the desires of a mortal lover, so not true nymphs at that point.  Being able to appear in the middle of nowhere and possibly never be found by other nymphs, they have no true culture of their own except that which they improvise when they are fortunate enough to meet.

Oreads are born out of stony terrain, usually mountains or valleys, and look something like living marble – moreso the closer you get to their hands and feet.  Their hair is in earth tones.  They have the ability to slowly sink into or move through earth and stone.

Aurae (Aura, Nymph, Air, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Aurae are born in the sky at random, usually from high clouds in blue skies.  Then the babies fall with no parachute and grapple with Patrick Swayze until he pulls the ripcord a little too low, and they land hard, and then Patrick calls them a “radical sunuvabitch.”  They aren’t the only nymphs born from the sky, but they are the floatiest, drifting over the ground more than they plant their feet on it.  Their hair is white to blue and always seems to be moving in a stiff breeze.

Dryads (Dryads, Nymph, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Dryads are strongly associated with trees.  Rumor has it they’re bound to a specific tree, that their life will end if it’s cut down, but that’s more a matter of habit.  They can pass through wood and often take residence in a favored tree.  They can be mistaken for human more easily than many nymphs, but when encountered in groups their similarity heightens the subtle oddness of them.  In the right light, whorls can be seen in their skin like wood grain.

Naiads (Naiads, Nymph, Water, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Naiads are spontaneously born in streams, rivers, lakes, and tide pools.  This has them more exposed than some other young nymphs, and they are sometimes eaten by predatory animals before they can grow.  Their ability to move through the water is not properly swimming – water moves around them, pushing them where they want to go.  This ability also lets them walk on water.  Naiads have pearlescent sclera and teeth, tho in some it is more subtle than others, and their hair seems perpetually wet, floating in the air as if they were underwater.  Some have fish-like coloration in skin, hair, or eyes, but more often they are conventional human colors.

Lampades (Lampades, Nymph, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Lampades are spontaneously born from artificial fire, especially very large furnaces, ovens, kilns, or fireplaces.  Very rare, but often born in groups of two to five, which makes up for that a little.  They are often favored as pets or assistants by unscrupulous sorcerers, and so are culturally associated with magic, tho they aren’t inherently more magic than any nymph.  Lampades are elementals of the night itself, and the fear which fuels the fires mortals use to keep it at bay.  But the ones born to bakers are just happy muffin-makers, so it’s a mixed bag of goths and foodies.

They are immune to fire.  They are very pale or very dark for the area where they are born – no in-between – and have hair with no highlights, just a black void.  When exposed to fire their hair can collect embers which take a longer time to burn out than normal.

Hyades (Hyade, Nymph, Air, Water, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Hyades are born in the sky like Aurae, but only on the greyest and rainiest days.  They quickly wash to earth, collecting in puddles, which makes them vulnerable again to predatory animals.  Born in groups of three to seven, this balances that mortality somewhat.  Hyades are elementals of tears, loss, and inescapable emotion.  Their happiness is always bittersweet.  They can move like water over the land, sliding or rushing, and have shining grey eyes.  Many favor sleeping in lakes, a few in mixed flocks with Naiads.

Maenads (Maenad, Nymph, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal, Wild, Vice Elemental).  There are places where the elemental planes and the outer wilds intrude on Gaya, and through these the vice elementals (such as satyrs, sileni, and centaurs) of the Wild acquire more human-like company.  Maenads are born into the wilderness wherever vice elementals pass into the material world, and are adopted into the party.  It’s a strange existence.  Because they look very much like regular humans, vice elementals develop an unfair reputation for kidnapping or tempting children to join their drunken revelry, but these creatures are far from human.  Not every satyr is a vice elemental, a member of the rampaging bacchanals, but every maenad is.  Their minds are possessed, and they can be very violent to any who stand in their way.

They are born of Gaya the same as all Nymphs, but corrupted by birth in the borderlands of the Wild, and can travel freely between those worlds when in wild places.  A large gathering of maenads has the power to transport a whole group of revelers into or out of the Wild, even from the heart of a city.  They have typical human colors, those with fairer skin often flushed at the cheeks.  Often have heavy eyelids and bits of debris stuck in their hair.

Hesperides (Hesperide, Nymph, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Hesperides are born from agriculture, from the most perfectly cultivated plants bearing the most perfect fruit.  While this could lead to them being adopted by poor families, far more often they are stolen and hoarded by the rich – to the extent their culture is bound up with royalty and the halls of power.  They are held as prizes by humanity, sometimes as mates but more often as living works of art in the castles of kings.

Hesperides can move through wood like Dryads but are less accustomed to it.  Their hair is the color of wood but glossy like it was deeply lacquered, almost always perfectly coiffed.  Their sclera and fingernails have a golden or silver sheen.  The golden hour has a special lure for them, and they can be seen late in the day in silent communion with the sky.

Asterides (Asteride, Nymph, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Asterides are born to clear night skies and fall to earth as shooting stars.  Like Hyades this is in groups, which offsets the high mortality rate of being exposed to predatory beasts.  Their hair is the color of night sky, black but sometimes colorful with nebulae or aurorae.  Motes of light like tiny stars develop in their hair.  Sometimes they drift free, moving like cottonwood pollen in the breeze.  Their eyes are very deep black and very sparkly.  They can float and fly, but less adroitly than aurae.  They enjoy the parties people throw to while away long nights, rarely becoming swept up with maenads.  Mortals like to claim them as spooky night guardians, especially sorcerers, but they are seldom caught as young as hesperides, and are more willful and vengeful.

Heliads (Heliad, Nymph, Gayan, Divinity, Mammal).  Heliads are born from morning sunlight, which falls most fully on broad surfaces like cliff faces and large walls and houses.  Those that dwell in nature like to visit roads and break bread with mortals there.  Those that are born to the habitations of mortals are often adopted and held like prizes.  Something about heliads seems more powerful or commanding to them, and so their bondage is usually less like gilded cage slavery than that of some other nymphs.  They can levitate less adroitly than asterides and aurae, but doing so also causes their skin to glow brightly, near bright as the sun the longer they keep it up, so they only use the power when they’re ok with blinding bystanders.

When heliiads go dormant it is often on the rooftops of lofty human structures, among gargoyles.  They are never pale, and the darker skinned have a thin golden sheen wherever their melanin is the most dense.  Their skin has more internal light than other nymphs, which can still seem subtle in bright daylight, but at night makes them stand out like animate candles.  They cannot be blinded by light, and find solace looking directly at the sun.

Animal-Headed People (Mammal-bodied, by Animal-head, Gayan).  Animal-headed people are said to be cursed humans, and their bodies more closely resemble those of humans than of elves or orcs, in proportion and variety.  Those with the heads of animals that are typically giant are taller than humans by a few feet, but not so huge as a buffalo or elephant.  They are a true race, breeding easily with each other regardless of animal type, and, oddly, their offspring can be any animal type at all, only a slightly higher chance of being the same as one of their parents.  When they breed with other species of humanoid, the child will always have some features of the animal-headed parent’s animal type.  Scholars argue about it all.  Culturally, while they mostly keep to their own, they act much like humans and have much cultural exchange with them – more evidence of ancient kinship with them.

Animal Races (by Race, by Animal types, Gayan).  I like the idea of more animal-like species existing, but each being more consistently this or that type of animal.  I drew a scribble of a lizard dude I liked once, put me in mind of a lizard species where all the members could look like different types of lizard.  Another idea I liked was a lizard race of viviparous lady clones, I called lizard madonnas.  Cat people and dog people have an obvious appeal.  I dunno.

Lycanthropes (by Race, by Animal types, Cursed, Gayan, Demonic).  Had some notions on werewolves, werehawks, wereserpents, weregoats, and werejackals.

Talking Animals (by Animal types, Wild).  Emeffs on some Narnia shit, hang out with faeries.  Maybe I should do a Pliny and have cranes be at war with dwarves.

Magical Animals are not a playable race, or at least, unlike everything in this list, cannot have character classes.

Ogres (Ogre, by Race, Demonic).  These are demonic mirrors of the celestial giants.  Generally not as large at the upper limit, but more likely to have strange or monstrous features and savage demeanors.  One type of ogre are the læstrigons, which have scaly torsos, black serpent-like hair, one to three small horns, and goat-like legs with black hair from about the mid-thigh down.  They are renowned for smelling bad, but if one has decent hygiene their strange reptile musk is tolerable, even pleasing to a person who holds affection for one.  However, no small amount of them are nightmarish unlovable cannibals, so that makes such affection rare.

Lamias (Lamia, by Race, Demonic).  Demonic mirrors of the various animal people of the Wild, lamias are a host of chimerical monsters that sometimes share cities in the Screaming Realm with ogres.  They are usually human sized or larger, but not large for giants.  Most of them are female, and as immortals who are capable of giving birth, they are known to regulate their population by cannibalism of their own children.  The main run of their cultures are cruel and brutal, but there are outliers and escapees from that world who seek a better life.

Cambions (Demonic, by Race).  The first generation children of hell’s demons with mortals, usually the product of a succubus or incubus.

Nephilim (Celestial, by Race).  The first generation children of heaven’s angels with mortals, usually the product of fallen angels who are at odds with their former masters.

Bastards (Demonic, by Race).  Subsequent generations born to cambions are closer to being mortal, with few obvious tells of their ancestry.

Perfecti (Celestial, by Race).  Subsequent generations born to nephilim are closer to being mortal, with few obvious tells of their ancestry.

Draconics (Dragon, by Race).  Some few dragons are shapeshifters that like to get with mortals.  The offspring that aren’t killed in infancy by horrified midwives grow up scaly, and in rare places, there can be entire communities of such people.

Silver-Eyed (Astral, by Race).  People who lived on the Astral Plane or those descended from them, who may have had ancient ancestry among the greys or other astral weirdos.  They mostly look like regular Gayans, but with moony silver eyes and a psychic powers.

Hybrids (Grey, Astral, by Race).  Alien-human hybrids!  Buzzing implants!  The government doesn’t want you to know that the greys sometimes intentionally have children with mortal races, producing these weirdos that lurk on the fringes of their societies, or are taken into the astral plane to serve unknowable purposes of their alien parents.

Greys (Grey, Astral).  Greys are big-eyed but otherwise weak-featured bipeds from the outer reaches of the Astral Plane, who sometimes visit Gaya in shining silver vessels to scare humans with light shows.  Play those big notes.  Blow out the glass on your pickup truck.  Hide your cattle, and watch for the probe.

Satyrs (Satyr, Wild, Mammal, Human, Goat).  Goat people.  Like pipes.  Many join the roving bacchanals and become vice elementals, but not all.

Sileni (Silenus, Wild, Mammal, Human, Ass).  Donkey people.  Many join the roving bacchanals and become vice elementals, but not all.

Centaurs (Centaur, Wild, Mammal, Human, Horse).  Horse people.  Some few join bacchanals as vice elementals, but more live in small tribes with slightly less rambunction.

OK, I’m running out of time to do this anymore.  I’ll just list out some more shit, ask me if any of it sounds interesting.

Koneira, Crowten, Shroomen, Fleurs, Nightshades, Rudewood Golems, Cactals, Half Vampires, Half Ghosts, Half Zombies / Ghouls, Half Mummies, Half Skeletons (sans undertales lol), Undeen, Sylpheen, Salymeen, Gnymeen, Molecules, Shellbound, and Robots.

Jellies (no idea).  I’m given to understand this is a popular internet fetish, so maybe I should include ’em.

alright i go sleep now

Discolology: Dead Milkmen II

I’m reviewing the whole discography of The Dead Milkmen.  I know, I know.  You’re not interested.  Tough titty!  This is my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!

Beelzebubba (1988)

I don’t know whether I’d seen the video for “Punk Rock Girl” on MTV first, or heard my Tech Support Guy play this on tape when I was hanging out at his house.  “Punk Rock Girl” is immortal, beloved, but we must look at the album as a whole.  This would be the high point of their career, as far as record sales were concerned, but I also feel it captured the essence of who they had become as artists.  They had achieved their true form.

What is that form?  Punk rockers, they just threw a bunch of short snot-nosed songs at the wall to see if anything stuck.  Unlike 99% of other punk bands, they had a unique style combining elements of folk music, ethnic folk music, surf guitar, and country – with a lot of genre dabbling besides.  They were low brow poets, the two singers also having their own personal writing styles that helped build a world of suburban decay, of lumpen-ass proletariat believing strange things and swimming in strange events.  Everything is a bad joke.  Doesn’t matter if you live or die, it’ll probably be sad and weird.  Maybe violent too.

I review tracks, this time putting classics at the top, because they deserve first place.

Classics

*** “You know what Stuart?  I like you.  You’re not like the other people, here at the trailer park.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re fine people, good Americans, but they don’t know What The Queers Are Doing to The Soil…”  “Stuart” is not very musical because the lyrics are overpowering and spoken word, not sung, but both the instrumentation and the Rodney-flavored poetry are considered by fans to be essential listening.  They probably play it at most concerts.  I don’t remember if they played it at the one I went to.  I do remember them covering Gary Numan’s “Cars.”

***** “Punk Rock Girl” absolutely deserves its place as their most well-known song.  Great music, great lyrics.  Love it, as I have always loved counter-cultural girls and boys, be they punk or goth or grunge etc…  I remember when belly button rings and nose rings blew up at my high school.  So cool.  Take that, society stiffs!  Anyway, now I live up to the line, “We’ll dress like Minnie Pearl,” so everything is hunkydory.

***** “Bleach Boys” is a very strong contender for best song on the album.  It’s the only Dead Milkmen song where you can hear them smiling as they sing it, hear them trying to stifle laughter.  It’s black humor, for sure, but it’s pretty fuckin’ funny.  The music is very fun, and the song doesn’t overstay its welcome.  I’d say it’s about 10% novelty song tho, more about the jokey lyrics than the musical whole.  Potentially offensive to welders and people of short stature.  “I’ve got some buddies and we all drink bleach; you know we practice what we preach…”

**** I used to dislike “Life is Shit,” back when I was new to the world, and death and suicidal ideation were more disturbing and hateful to me.  I gotta admit tho, it is an absolute anthem.  I know most fans love it, but not sure if they play it in concerts as much as the other big tracks.

Good Stuff

**** “Brat in the Frat” has this high speed Eastern folk music thing, maybe Greek is the main influence?  Short and sweet, or short and snotty at least.  Expresses some weaksauce political moderate stance and a high disdain for being alive, but well done, I’ll take it.

***** “Sri Lanka Sex Hotel” is one of their edgiest songs.  Are there even sex hotels in Sri Lanka, or are they mixing it up in their imagination with Thailand?  I don’t know much.  The titular sex hotel isn’t the point of the song though.  It’s about fucking up and dying on purpose, and it rocks.  But yes, don’t do anything the song talks about.

**** “The Guitar Song,” if you don’t particularly like the band’s sound, is an instrument of torture.  I think it’s cute, but I think my brother likes it more.

**** This album has more songs about conspiracies and paranoia than any before it, cementing that as a central theme of their art.  “I Against Osbourne,” by merit of aggressive tempo and short length, is the least worst of the ones on display here.

Filler

** “I Walk the Thinnest Line” is too repetitive and has some pretty dubious lyrics, like the title that references Charlie Manson.  Decades after I first heard this song, I randomly found out what My Little Fish is, which gets referenced here, and … don’t look it up.  It’s nightmare fuel.  Song is about being a crazy guy.  Musically kinda alright, not too long.

*** “Bad Party” is about going to a bad party and giving the partygoers punk attitude.  Tasteless reference to eccentric real-life murderer Ricky Kasso.

*** Personally I’m kinda amused by “My Many Smells,” which is about possessing abominable effluvia.  “Sometimes smell just like death itself, a sickening sweet smell, I could really make you ill.  Smell meee…”

*** “Smokin’ Banana Peels” is alright.  More funk-punk, with jokey surreal imagery for your inner acid fiend.  “Take Elvis for a walk and shut up.”

** “Everybody’s Got Nice Stuff But Me” is kinda funny but not very musically satisfying, and too repetitive.

** “Howard Beware” is another song about a paranoid guy.

* “Ringo Buys a Rifle” is another song about a paranoid guy, this one Beatle-themed.

Garbage

– “RC’s Mom” is a James Brown style parody about doing domestic violence, and got a lil too offensive for my ass, especially the last few seconds, which feel like Charlie Hebdo humor – that is to say, like it wouldn’t be out of place in the propaganda of neo-nazis.  Punk rock, ladies and germtlemen.

– You know what sucks?  When people give money to scholarly pursuits they find interesting, instead of giving everything to charities making up for the half-assed nature of america’s social safety net.  Let’s make a very repetitive and maudlin song about it called “Born to Love Volcanos.”  Shit literally has violins in it.  That’ll show ’em.

Smokin’ Banana Peels EP (1989)

“Smokin’ Banana Peels” was alright, but I don’t know if it needed a maxi-single with multiple remixes.  Nonetheless, the B sides on this are so fucking good I consider it a must-have.  YMMV.  My husband mostly hates them.

Classics

***** “Depression Day Dinner” is about being poor enough to eat your dog, and ironically exulting in it.  The devoured dog has the same name as one in the saccharine jesus-friendly comic strip The Family Circus.  This is funny as balls.  Works in a reference to the Stones’s “Brown Sugar.”

***** I like “The Puking Song” even more than “Depression Day Dinner.”  Maybe I’d like it less if, like my sickly Victorian husband, I’d had more occasion to vomit in the course of my life.  At this point, I’d rate this as their funniest song.  Joe Jack sings lead, music has a brief reggae / dub interlude.

Good Stuff

**** “I Hate Myself” is a rather obvious entrant to a certain genre of punk rock song, but in their own style.  These songs seemed apiece with the musical motifs of Beelzebubba and it would have been a better album with them on it.  Suicidal ideation for laffs, u kno.

*** “Girl Hunt” is a “personal ad” song, like “Float On.”  It feels like the writing of an asshole who knows he’s an asshole but isn’t trying to improve.  Kinda fun tho.

***** Another fave of mine is “Death’s Alright With Me,” which is alright with me, but I recognize not as good as the Classics on this album.  Also slight ding for being more terrible cheerleading for suicide.

Filler/Garbage

**? “Smokin’ Banana Peels” has five fuckin’ remixes on this album.  Even for this review, I have not worked up the gumption to listen to them.

Metaphysical Graffiti (1990)

It’s weird rating albums track by track.  I didn’t realize I regarded this album as well as I did.  A lot of tracks made “Good Stuff” and I liked the “Filler” well.  Only complaint is that the worst tracks were pretty bad and I felt like I was reaching to pick a “Classic.”  A very moderate experience, but on the positive side of that.

Classics

**** “Methodist Coloring Book” is an atheist anthem.  It’s a lil obnoxious tho.

Good Stuff

**** “Beige Sunshine” is the lead off track, which kicks ass, but loses points for opening with an obnoxious kiddie chorus.  Instrumentally, it has more influence of church music I don’t quite have the terms for.  Maybe it’s an instrument where I’ve never connected the sound to the name.  Lyrically, it’s more Milkmen psychedelia, with a sort of mental health framing device.

**** “Part 3 (I Saw You Naked)” uses CSA for yuks, but might not be as bad as that sounds.  Kinkshaming.  I could see associating this source of humor with homophobia or transphobia, but I’m feeling generous.  I like uptempo music and zany nonsense.

*** “I Tripped Over The Ottoman” features Dick Van Dyke going crazy.  “Maury Amsterdam can make a sane man crazy, Maury Amsterdam can make a nice guy kill.”  The music works real well with the joke.  Dr. Demento surely played this one.  Surely.

*** “The Big Sleazy” is a fun tune about hating your local radio station.  Quality haterade.

*** “If You Love Somebody, Set Them On Fire” is a doors joke gone too far.  “I went to your house last night, your dad called me the Human Torch, got a little pissed at him, so I burned down your front porch.  Now I’m feelin’ a little better, and throwin’ gas on your dad, but you know it’s hard to quit, and besides he started it.”

** “Dollar Signs In Her Eyes” is not my kinda jam.  Like I said, I prefer uptempo.  But I recognize the quality, and I imagine some of you might like it more than most of their songs.  Mellow song about how crapitalism makes one live in a dream.

**** I almost rated “I Hate You, I Love You” a classic because I like it a lot.  Might be a little long for how obnoxious it is tho.

*** “Now Everybody’s Me” reiterates the theme of “City of Mud.”  The world is become a slovenly curmudgeon’s paradise through a conformity of nonconformists.

*** “Little Man In My Head” is another reggae / dub influenced track, about having funny little ideas one does not believe are native to one’s domepiece, like leading cults or doing terrorisms and such.  Not bad.

Filler

*** Recurring Redneck Storytime tracks have some low key Milkmen musicking while Rodney talks, playing the character of a gossiping redneck on his porch.  There’s one about how Billy Bohiggus got caught in some perverse chicanery and subsequently lynched, one about how his sister is dating a guy named Professor Griff, one about how Sarah Jane is a left-handed lesbian eskimo midget albino, and lastly the tale of Cousin Earl’s egregious family of mutants who live on a maggot farm.  This stuff is the very definition of filler, like comedy skits on a rap album.

* “Epic Tales Of Adventure” is a stock Milkmen jam about paranoia and poor people problems.  One of at least three songs that mention laundromats, I think.  I’m more likely to skip it these days.  Doesn’t hold up to repeat listens, past a point.

*** I almost rated musical outro “Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes And How!” as Good Stuff.  It features Gibby Hanes of The Butthole Surfers, and after they once joked about ripping those guys off.  It’s a pretty decent time, but yeah, it’s filler.

Garbage

* “Do The Brown Nose” is … what would you call this, lounge funk? weirdly reiterating some musical elements from Beige Sunshine.  y’know, i think it’s electric organ.  that’s the sound.  It’s a yuk, but I can’t help but feel like a song about brown-nosing is a little boring for these guys.

* “In Praise Of Sha Na Na” again has some yuks, but extremely repetitive, kind of obnoxious, and the negatives definitively outweigh the positives.

Soul Rotation (1992)

As much as Metaphysical Graffiti (yes i got the zepp ref) led off with a few songs about religion and spiritual vibez, this album was very focused on those themes.  Again, I was surprised how much I liked this album on relisten, though overall I never vibed with it in the past.  Still, and also like Metaphysical Graffiti, I didn’t think the standout tracks really rose to the level of being Classics, mostly.  But amazingly, nothing I rated as garbage!  I can’t believe it.

Classics

***** “If I Had a Gun” is fuckin’ perfect.  If you want a song that reflects the mentally tortured USian white man experience, this is your dog.  It gets me on the level of actually relating to it, while preferring I didnt?, but still loving it.  “Would I wear it in a holster, would I keep it concealed?  Would I put it on the table every time that I’m misdealed?  When I hear a nearby gunshot when I’m up at night alone, would I feel a little safer, here in my urban home?”  I don’t know how well it fits the album.  I guess thematically I can see it existing in the same world as “Big Scary Place” and “Here Comes Mr. X.”

Good Stuff

**** “At The Moment” leadoff track, pretty dope.  I like it a lot, but it’s low key.

*** “The Secret Of Life” is less annoying than I remembered and it’s 4:20 long so maybe that’s the actual secret.

**** “Big Scary Place” is about feeling overwhelmed, of course.  Might be a good track to represent the album as a whole, the feeling here is of having an expanded awareness of the world and that awareness scaring you back into the Platonic cave.

*** “The Conspiracy Song” – motherfucking which one, amirite?  If you’re gonna go with one Dead Milkmen song about conspiracies, this one sure beats “Epic Tales of Adventure,” “Howard Beware,” and “Peter Bazooka.”  I like ’em fast.

*** “Wonderfully Colored Plastic War Toys” is a throbbing word salad that bounces up and down hitting top and bottom of your skull in rapid succession.  Pretty good.

**** “God’s Kid Brother” is a straightforwardly presented theory of Creation.  AiG take note.  I’d call it a novelty song because it’s more about the lyrics and idea than the music, but in generosity to its quality, I’ll call it a folk song instead.

*** “Here Comes Mr. X” is an aggressive track about a right-wing shithead fucking up one’s neighborhood.  It has some really funny lines.

Filler

** “Belafonte’s Inferno” is one of those tracks that just gets too mellow for me, which may be the essence of why I didn’t vibe with this album before.  Still not working for me on this one.

** “How It’s Gonna Be” might be their funkiest funk song, but why so many funk songs?  Leave that to the experts.  This is a reflection on the aggressive banality of life, which in its negative way, points to the theme of spirituality on this album.  Just kind of obnoxious tho.

** “All Around the World” is not an RHCP cover (somehow the first state mentioned in that is PA where the Milkmen are from, and not California).  It’s a mellow tune about… wait for it… a conspiracy guy!  I like the musicality of the phrase “I know some things I know I shouldn’t know,” but there’s not much here.

*** “Silly Dreams” I almost rated as Good Stuff.  The tune is mild-mannered good times, there are some yuks, it’s kind of a mood.  But maybe too mellow.

** It’s far from their main genre influence, but the Dead Milkmen sure like returning to the well of funk, as they did for “Shaft in Greenland.”  There’s still probably more of reggae in the rhythm.  Or ska.  Shit, I don’t know jack about Afro-Caribbea.  White punks sure seem to know it well, lol.  Anyway, kinda chuckleworthy, but very novelty.  Also the second song where they rhyme ghetto and stiletto.

If I Had a Gun EP (1992)

Nothing of note here, but recognition of that song’s greatness, I suppose.

Now We Are 10 (1993)

Remember when I said if I found out they put the R-slur song on compilations I’d reevaluate my opinion of them?  By the track list I thought this was a standard collection of repackaged stuff plus bonus material, but it was more like concert recordings and other terribly lo-fi versions.  Unremarkable, and the bonus tracks were nothing to write home about.  “Don’t Abort That Baby” was alright, if barely discernible through the recording quality.  It’s more anti-anti-abortion than pro-abortion, which is the weaksauce position, but it’s aggressively rude and terrible about it, which gets some points back.

Then again, that irredeemable slur song is on the album.  The re-evaluation:  This is 1993 and even as a seventeen year old I wasn’t as ableist as this song.  But I was close, and I was using variations on that slur for conservatives in the comments on Pharyngula during the Sci blogs era well past the time I should’ve known better.  The Deep Rifts and feminist / social justice conversation of the time around 2010 really changed how I feel about ableism a lot.

Still, the song isn’t ableist because of insensitive language.  It’s literally nazi shit.  “I hate cognitively impaired people and want them to die” the funny fun song.  Again, who am I to stand in judgment, when our atheo-skeptic movement is also not ableist just because of the language we use.  We fundamentally hate “stupid” people.  Personally, I think that’s a problem, but I’m still hanging out in the building.

Even in 1993 I’d have thought this sucked, but from thirty-two years in the future, loving as much as I do love of the band’s catalogue, I’m going to give 1993 DMM a pass.  For now.  We’ll see the next time it comes up.

Incidentally, if I really wanted to know how shitty Rodney Anonymous and Joe Jack Talcum are to this very day, I understand they’re vlogging a lot on yewchoob now.  I don’t wanna find out.  Not right now.

To be continued!

Monstroid Brainstormin

You can still join the RP by comment, open for two more players.  Catch up from the beginning here, just look at the most recent post, or whatever.

More thunks on the bestiary of my probably-never-going-to-exist big gay rpg.  This is mostly random free-form stuff, but I’ll lead off answering the question I asked at the end of the last post on the topic:  what animals do I want to see here?  Like what mundane animals live there, and how do they interact with magical monsters and people?  Easy to imagine unicorns and griffins and cockatrices ruling all lesser beasts with their unnatural ways.

Maybe not tho.  Maybe those beasties just exist in balance with everything else in the ecosystem, doing their own distinct niches.  It’s easier to come up with the magickal monsters when the baseline fauna is decided on.  Wouldn’t have half eagle half lions in a world with no lions, right?  To that end, creatures I’d like to see:  The standard Eurasian fare, since this is another RPG inspired by the world of knights in shining armor.  They need horses to ride.  They could have similar distributions, but maybe more lions and tigers in the europey West than there were by medieval times in our world.  But besides that, it would be nice to have some more cool animals.

How can you have an Africa-inspired south without Afrotherian animals like elephants?  Maybe the seaside could have dugongs and manatees, southern rocks could be crawlin’ with hyraxes.  Or would those be outcompeted by marmots?  Other cool African animals that have a bit of representation elsewhere include mongooses and hyenas and crocodiles, cobras, leopards… I should have regional variations on these.  Like maybe male lions in the west have manes that look like mohawks, or leopards in the north have no spots, just… whatever.  If loxodonta could roll up on the Europe-like area without needing a Hannibal to drive them, they surely would.  How weird could that be?  Should I make up my own oddball members for this clade, with funkier tusks?  How about rhinos?  Europe used to have rhinos too.

No Americas means no sloths or New World monkeys or armadillos, no capybaras or guinea pigs, no cougars or jaguarundis or ocelots, no coyotes or raccoons or opossums or toucans or condors… Who would I miss the most?  Who would I want to steal?  Jaguars could just be stocky semi-aquatic leopard species, and I could use other cheats to get similar weirdos in.  Coyotes and golden jackals are very similar.  I guess in lieu of armadillos we could have more varied pangolin species.  That’d be cool.  Condors are pretty neat but mostly I prefer Old World vultures.  Maybe capybaras could get replaced with micro hippopotami or semi-aquatic hyraxes – some holdover intermediate form on the grade to sirenians.

I do love Australian and New Zealand animals but for this I can lose ’em.  Did we lose any animals in the Pleistocene that would be cool to snatch back for this..?  I don’t feel the need.  Stick some wool on the iciest boys.  Going further prehistoric, I do think non-avian dinosaurs are fun to combine with high fantasy, but for simplicity’s sake I’ll lose them here.  Ooh lemurs and fossas…  No Madagascar…  Yeah, sorry lemurs.  You can get your revenge in Gun Lemurs.

I like the idea of making large animal fauna very different from inner sea to outer ocean.  Fish could be sorta samey by evolving before the sea was enclosed, but all the large mammals emerged after that.  Maybe the inner sea could have abundant nautiloids because all the pinnipeds are on the ocean side, maybe it could have a whole separate radiation of whales that split from the ocean whales when the last common ancestor still had hooves.  Or they got outcompeted by giant crocodiles or sharks or sea cows.  Maybe hoofed whales could still exist, or other protowhale variants, niches something like a cross between a peccary and a capybara on crack.

Whence magical beasties, like unicorns and such?  They’d be created by gods or wizards or the magic of the Outer Wild, but establish breeding populations on Gaya.  I might crib some ideas from Pliny, but it would be cool to just make up my own that match the vibe.  Was just randomly reminded of the “leontophone” recently, sounds fun.  I think griffins would be specialized predators of pegasi.  Take that, u majestic creatures.  I was calling the RPG The Cockatrice because dicks but the poison roosters should be here too…  No special thoughts on these for the moment.

In looking at the story Puss in Boots (before the most recent time I was messing with it), I was struck by the absurdity of these helpful animals in fairy tales, and wanted to include something like that in my RPG.  I wrote a first draft novel once in this world, called The Death Knight.  It can’t be published anytime soon, but it’s a hoot.  I made a Puss-type character for it, which was real fun to write.  Just a cat that likes you for cat reasons, but is also magical and talking.  Teddy bear picnic havers.

So magic animals are cat-sized, whether they’re a bullfrog or a raven or a snake, and they talk, and they can do some random impossible thing as part of their gimmick. Sub-type “Divinity.”  My husband was saying he thought the game should have Watership Down type characters, like a goose in a bonnet, that live in treehouse villages.  That would be a different, less magical category.  Call them talking animals?  Probably the ones to hang out with faeries.

I should probably ask a furry how they’d prefer to see a game handle humanoid animal people.  I had a few thoughts on that.  One, just more hate for the splatbook tendency of D&D to produce redundant concepts.  There were like a dozen plus lizard races in those books!  I don’t wanna do like that.  My initial idea for an animal-themed character race was animal-headed people, like the minotaur, like characters from Bojack Horseman, as a singular race that had random animal heads that said something about their personalities.  Like a beaver-headed dude and a crow-headed woman could give birth to twin babies where one had a chicken head and one had an alligator head.  But furries always want their fursonae to have more animalistic features to the body as well, to have tails and paws and shit.  Merely having an animal head will not satisfy them.

So animal races that are more like, furry bod.  Like wolfen from Palladium’s fantasy RPG, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or those ducks from Runequest.  But do I have it be one race that can have any kinda animal type, like the animal-head thing I originally conceived, or just animal races that are all that animal type, like the aforementioned examples?  If I start making races based on animals, where do I draw the line?  Which ones do I include?

More importantly, if I make content with a nod toward trans girls someday, shouldn’t I include anime catgirls?  How cat should they be?  How about puppygirls?  Where does pony play fit into all this?  The head spins.  I’m not trying to make the furriest RPG.  That’s somebody else’s job.  Incidentally, if you know of furry RPGs you wanna recommend in the comments, I’d like to hear about ’em.

Moving on, other things I’ve thought about.  Greek mythology, like, the freaks at the bacchanal.  Satyrs, maenads, sileni.  I never knew about sileni until I saw the movie Šileni by Jan Švankmajer.  It didn’t have anything to do with them, just that the mythological creatures symbolize madness and that movie was about insanity, in its own theatrical (stock ableist) way.  I enjoyed that film a lot.  But what are sileni?  Some sources have them as an old man or satyr on a donkey, some don’t distinguish between them and satyrs, etc.  It varies.  Point is, they’re in the retinue of Dionysus partying with deadly abandon, along with maenads and satyrs and centaurs.  I liked the donkey connection and made them into donkey people, similar mix of animal and human features to that of satyrs.

Maenads brings me back to nymphs.  For some reason, most of the interesting ideas I’ve come up with for player races are centered on nymphs.  There were a lot of nymphs in mythology by a lot of names, and no real official canon to it all.  They were always pretty ladies with some kind of supernatural origin or power (in this maenads may have been outliers), but I’m like, no way.  They can have whatever gender, in my book.  So what will they be?

Immortal pretty people that form out of nature by spontaneous generation, but rarely.  That got me thinking about immortality.  In RPGs you always level up the longer your alive, which produces the unrealistic phenomenon of old people being the most powerful.  Granny has a hundred hit points.  Watch out.  What about immortals tho?  How can you play a character like that, who might have a billion zillion experience points?  My solution was that they lose their skills and memories if they don’t practice them, and they sometimes go dormant for long periods of time.  This came to me as a mental image of people in the foam of a wave, of in the rocks of a mountain, or floating in clouds, or tangled in tree branches.  What if you found a guy in the woods who went to sleep four-hundred years ago, and was half-buried in soil and roots?  Kinda cool.  This could allow people to play an old character as a 1st level guy who has to work his way back to the skills he once had, who has memories of bygone lives that could have been glorious or mundane.

Didja know the Cyclops wasn’t the only giant Ulysses met on his journey?  On one island his crew met a city of giant people who just started gobbling them up like chicken wings.  It was a horrifically evocative idea, actually, if you get a mental picture of it.  The Laestrygonians.  The times I’d seen reference to them in the past weren’t quite the same as what I’ve turned up more recently, and I have been cobbling together a race of giants pretty different from the original notion.  Still, gotta have big chompers.

That puts me in mind of ogres.  From Europe to Japan there is a concept of an ogre, with a lot of variety over that range.  Generally it’s a wild man, giant and club-wielding, an eater of men.  There’s blurred boundaries with the idea of the Green Man, but I feel like ogres are more universally large and bullying.  This puts me in mind of child abuse, and they aren’t the only monster that do so.  Lamias are famous for eating children.  With these two archetypes in mind, I once had an idea for an RPG where the characters are all children of lamias and ogres, in high school, some question of whether it’s a metaphor or a dream or reality within the setting, blah blah blah.  The point tho.  Big scary monsters can be scary &/or psychologically interesting.

When I was thinking on playable races I had an idea that could be reserved for high-power adventures where the characters could be demigods.  They’d have similar stats to regular characters, but have some limited ways they could break the rules.  Like in Jason and the Argonauts when Hercules chucks a rock out to a distant island and another guy who is not as strong sez “I can do that,” and achieves it by skipping the stone.  Home boy, that is not possible.  But as much of a headache as that could be to adjudicate in game terms, the flava would be sweet.  I’d like to see if I could make it work.

I mention this in an article about monster ideas because I realized I’d already embraced a similar idea for magical animals, and that implies they are a kind of divinity, doesn’t it?  So in this conception, they’re like nymphs, naturally emerging from nature, possibly on a path to becoming gods themselves, or just fucking around and living as an interesting little part of the world, until their time is over.  Angels and devils should likewise have some kind of powers not available to anybody in the material world unless they somehow also are born with or achieve divinity, on a spectrum leading up to gods of heaven and hell.  Less interesting to me, but a natural extension of that line of thought.

Elfs.  I don’t know why elves gotta have multiple types, some kinda Tolkien damage, but I couldn’t shake it off.  My husband thinks elves should be short but other partisans are sayin’ they should be tall.  Some should be lofty and live in silver light, some should be wild boyz.  The idea of duality in dökkálfar and ljósálfar call out to my ass as well, and we’ve had a few others I wanted to squeak in.  The list is currently at high elves, light elves, dark elves, garbage elves, glamer elves, and murder elves.  Garbage elves are downtrodden of urban realms, glamer elves have extra magickalism, murder elves have affinity for other murder faeries like kelpies and rusalka, and the other are the usual shmusual.  My idea on dark elves is that they can have unnatural skin tones which may or may not be dark, and they have a more lively / informal / chaotic culture.  Light elves more ordered and prim with human-like skin tones that can also be very dark depending on where in the world they come from.  Gettin away from evil / good as well as light / dark skin tones as having implications, I hope.

I hinted at some of my other thoughts in the last post on this topic without getting into them properly, and running out of time on this post, so I’ll let it stand at this.

I really let my queue get dry.  I have an idea for a post and I queue it before it’s actually done, and as I rush this out eight hours before I’m required to wake up for work tomorrow, I marvel at how it came to this.  I guess I had a little glut of high-effort posts all come due around the same time.  Whatever.  Check out more excessive word count tomorrow, with Dead Milkmen Part II.

Discolology: Dead Milkmen I

I was thinkin’ of callin’ this series “Musicular Disctrophy” but that’s in bad taste and I half feel like I’m ripping it off from somewhere.  Discolology will join Dreamposting and Life List in the alternating day slots at random, with my other content being on the alternating– whatever, it makes sense to me.  I’m gonna comment on all the noteworthy things about the discographies of a few artists.  I won’t have an endless supply of these either, like the birds, but each band or artist can generate multiple posts.  I’m not going to break it down by one album per post, will do some lumping.  Depends on how much I feel like saying about them.

The Dead Milkmen!  Because I’m a motherfucking gen X dorkwad.  Most people who remember thing one about them remember “Punk Rock Girl.”  Well.  If that’s you, you don’t know much.  They have a reasonably long discography with a lot of excellent songs.  And a few horrible indefensible ones.  And a lot of ho-hum filler, bad in the ways that novelty music often is.  One joke, quirky lyrics at the expense of tunesmithing.  I don’t think I’m spoiling things to say there were a few early albums that ruled, followed by some OK stuff, and then I lost track of them for a long long time.  This is the path of most bands, which supports the idea creative vitality is for the young.  Being middle-aged, I hope that isn’t true…  Is their newest stuff any good?  I’ll find out before this series is done.

The Dead Milkmen self-released their first tape when I was three years old. I saw them in concert at El Corazon in Seattle back in May 2012, making my husband the youngest person in the audience, making them like how old at the time?  Rodney was forty-nine?  One year older than I am now?  Rodney was just sixteen years old when they released their first tape?  I guess that lines up with the punks I knew in high school.  Ambitious lil’ guys.

Point tho, I am not familiar with any of the music from before they got college radio famous in 1984-ish, and am not ambitious enough to listen to it all.  I skimmed it, and as one might predict, the closer they got to being properly produced, the more familiar the songs became.

Before I get into talking about their discography, I want to offer an escape hatch.  Of course, if you aren’t interested in folk/surf/country-influenced punk rock, or my longer writing in general, I’d be surprised if you’re still reading this sentence.  But for the rest of you, a word of caution.  When I say these guys wrote some horrible indefensible songs, I mean it’s the kind of stuff that might put you off paying any attention to them whatsoever.  Cancellation-worthy, for those of you who participate in that culture.

Punk rock is not about being progressive or leftist at all.  Anti-authority maybe, but there is a fascist sub-genre, and who’s to say they aren’t real punks?  If the music sounds the same and that’s the definition, nazi punks can fuck off, but still be punks.  In the song “Nazi Punks Fuck Off,” Jello Biafra said “punk means thinking for yourself.”  That’s some no true scotsman biz.  I’ve heard it said that the main driver of the original punk was causing offense.  If so, congrats, I’m offended.  Must be punk.

The Dead Milkmen have a very hateful little song called “Taking R(slur)s to the Zoo,” about finding cognitively disabled people disgusting and wanting them to die.  But in a funny way, haha!  Don’t think in any way that it’s taking the stance of a person they disagree with, like they’re playing the character of a horrible nazi in the song.  It’s just the ableism prevalent in our society turned up to eleven.  Why would I give this band the time of day, the cost of admission to their concert?

It’s one song, not the underpinning of the entire oeuvre.  It’s crap and I’d understand anybody wanting to kick this band into the garbage for it.  But as far as I know they don’t usually play this one?  Certainly didn’t at the concert I went to.  Is that kinda shit in the past for them?  The other thing is that this ableism is a crime I’ve been guilty of as well, in my less public and less overtly offensive way, and for me it is in the past.  I’ll reevaluate where I am on them if I find out they still play this at shows or include it on compilations.  What I get out of their best music is strong enough for me to ignore something that can be ignored – by me, not saying anybody should draw those lines in the same places.

There are other instances of ableism and (internalized?) classism, fatphobia, misogyny, and the usual snot-nosed punk fare.  There’s a jeering regard for low-brow culture that can seem by parts condescending and perversely loving, like the works of John Waters.  But I think for most of you, the worst recurring theme of their music is hating life, not caring if you die.  Do they live that philosophy?  One of their members committed suicide in 2004 and they were appropriately sad about it, raising some money for mental health charities and for a church that guy supported.  Alright then, it’s attitude and a show – an exultation in the concept of death as a blasphemy against the sometimes oppressive idea we should be enjoying life.  I’ve mentioned before that’s something I’m into, and probably something that kept me coming back to the band over the years.

Last word, before I get into looking at the music, on the subject of their offensiveness: they are politically left, feminist, everything you might expect for counter-cultural figures in this country.  Like so many others, in expressing their spleen lyrically, they are prone to the same biases that inform their political opposites.  Foolish, disappointing.  I don’t even keep their most offensive songs in my mp3s.  Still on CDs in a cardboard box somewhere tho…

Probably off local success of their self-released cassette Somebody Shot Sunshine, they were signed to Restless Records and began the studio album part of their career.  This is where I start getting into the albums…

Big Lizard in My Backyard (1985)

This was basically a re-recording of Somebody Shot Sunshine with additional tracks.  While most of it benefits from a modicum of production lacking in all their self-released tapes, there are some intentionally low fi tracks, that sound like they were performed in a bathtub or barn.  When The Dead Milkmen were established, it was with the idea of being a folk-punk band.  By the time they were being recorded in the studio, that had worked out to something more like standard punk rock, with influences of surf and country, and other genre dabbling.

This should be familiar, right?  A lot of American punk draws on surf guitar influence, and via psychobilly veers into country.  I just can’t think of anybody doing anything quite like this, like how they expressed that math.  You wouldn’t mistake them for The Cramps.  Back when I was a kid, I’d listen to all of these albums front to back.  I like the album experience, am frustrated by choosing what I’ll listen to next with singles.  By now tho, I’m a lil more choosy.  Judgmental.  Observe.

Good Stuff

*** The album leads off with “Tiny Town,” which is badly ableist in the usual way when making fun of rednecks (incest, chromosomal abnormality), but it does rip shit up.  They play the character of small town villains out to persecute nonconformists and minorities, but, y’know, funny.  Yee-haw.  This is a type of song they return to many times in years to come.  If you’re wondering what my husband thinks of the band, he finds this and most of the rest of the album annoyingly repetitive, earwormish, and says the rhymes have a nauseating quality.

**** Next comes “Beach Song” which includes a low key fatphobic joke and the usual snide antisocial punk attitude, but the music is very fun and the punchline might be the one of the best in their discography.  Simple but effective.  My husband says this song sounds like the perspective of a five-year-old.

*** “Plum Dumb.”  Perv drives around the highway seducing women with the ecstasy-like power of plums?  It’s all about the sound of the music and the words, which makes it one of the tracks that saves them from just being a novelty band.  This is the one my husband finds the most nauseating tho.  There are certain rhymes such as “Leggo my Eggo™” that he thinks of when he’s throwing up.  I haven’t thrown up often enough to have jams for it, but my queasy mood go-to is “Going to a Go-go” by The Miracles.

** “Swordfish.”  Similar quality to “Plum Dumb,” which is that it feels much more about the music than the lyrics.  The lyrics are more meaningful however, this being the first of many many songs in their catalogue about conspiracy, religious, and quasi-religious belief.  My favorite line, “Up from the ghetto with the help of my stiletto, every day I’d hear the people groan, why should we buy postage stamps? we can make our own.”

*** “Lucky” is about how there are interesting ways to die, and then there’s whatever’s going to happen to you and I.  Almost a punk rock anthem.  Not quite.

**** “Spit Sink” is about ingesting dubious chemicals because the world is disgusting, another recurring theme for them.  My husband hates this one, but it’s a big mood for me.  A few lines from it pop unbidden into my head at least a few times a month for the last thirty years, but I don’t resent it, so it must be decent.

*** “Violent School” comes closer to being a punk rock anthem than “Lucky,” but still not quite that great.  “Violence rules, guns are cool, and we’ve got guns in our schools!”  One of the most aggressive songs on the album.  Get thee to the mosh pit.  My husband thinks it’s too repetitive.

**** They’re just some “Right Wing Pigeons” from outer space, sent here to destroy the human race.  In one of the lines he says, “A lady in Detroit owns a can of mace, got pissed at my brother so she sprayed it in his face.”  I used to listen to these albums all the time with my brother, and for some reason the songs that mention the existence of brothers get a bonus point.  Just this and “The Woman Who is Also a Mongoose” from a much later album, but that’s two.

***** “Dean’s Dream” is very nearly in Classics range for me, but not quite there.  The music is too generic, as goes the sound of the album.  But this is a song about dreams, which as you know do interest me.  It successfully evokes that romantic feeling one can have for a figment of their imagination, plus other compelling aspects of those experiences.  This one is all about the lyrics, which in fairness to the Milkmen, is true of 99% of folk music.  My husband says this song suggests a possible influence of Jonathan Richman’s Modern Lovers.

Classics

**** “V.F.W. (Veterans of a Fucked Up World).”  There’s a line in here that will absolutely remind you of incels, but this is a classic punk rock anthem, no doubt.  For those of you unfamiliar with USian crap, VFW normally stands for “Veterans of Foreign Wars,” which I think is a prestige club for people in the armed forces who saw combat?  I know they have a meeting hall near the small airport in north Auburn.  Of the standout tracks, this is my least favorite musically, but the attitude is hard to deny.  Extremely teenage white boy, but I’ve been there.

***** “Serrated Edge.”  Another one about religion.  “Up on the hilltop where the vultures perch, that’s where I’m gonna build my church.  Ain’t gonna be a priest, ain’t gonna be no boss, just Charles Nelson Reilly nailed to a cross.  I don’t piss I don’t shit I’m getting no relief, people shake their heads in disbelief.”  My favorite on the album, the music more than the words.  But I do like the lyrics.

***** “Big Lizard in My Backyard” pulls its weight as a title track.  One of the best songs on the album.  Melancholy but it has enough tempo to not depress, neatly illustrates the world of their whole catalogue.  It’s got recognizable real life absurdities, escalated to an unreal level.  Guy has a big pet lizard.  The army decides to use it as a weapon to fight in dubious wars.  Goodbye, lizard.  My husband says it pairs well with “Concrete Animals” by Shonen Knife.

**** “Bitchin’ Camaro” is the most well remembered song on the album, not for the song proper, but for the punk rock vaudeville act at the beginning.  Legendary.

***** “Nutrition” is a strong contender for best song on the album, a true punk rock anthem, covered by other bands years after this came out.  “My folks say I gotta get myself a job, or they ain’t gonna support me.  Well if all I am to them is just some lazy slob, why didn’t they abort me?  I guess I’ll just hang out on Broad and South living by my intuition.  At least I give a shit what I put into my mouth, yeah I care about nutrition.”

Filler

**** “Rastabilly” puts on the redneck joke style again, in a less offensive way.  I think rednecks would love it, honestly.  But why “rasta?”  I don’t hear it.  I actually like it a lot but I have to admit it’s a filler track, because it’s just a one-note joke and is very very short.

**** “Gorilla Girl” is another one I have to admit is a filler track because it’s short and has one basic joke to it.  The song title is probably(?) a reference to the feminist art movement that formed the year the album was released, but in practice it’s about having a girlfriend who is a weird hairy monster that amuses little girls and eats golfers.  The most reggae influenced track on the album.  Again, I like it a lot.

** “Tugena” is just a musical outro with some goofy samples that may annoy you badly, or may not.  I’m neutral to it, my husband deleted it.

Garbage

* “Filet of Sole,” your mileage may vary.  My brother likes it, I find it mildly annoying.  There’s a recurring musical motif on this album, this bouncy guitar rhythm, which to an uncharitable ear could make most of the songs sound the same.  This one is the epitomy of that, and the lyrics aren’t all that amusing.

– “Takin’ R(slur)s to the Zoo”  The beat and rhythm are aggressive in a way that is more punk rock, more moshable than most of the album.  But why agree so comfortably with Henry Ford and Josef Mengele, even as a joke?  Fuck this one a lot.

* “Junkie” makes my husband say “shut the fuck up, kid.”  Repetitive, misogynistic, nihilistic, and repetitive.  Rhythm is a little interesting.

– “Laundromat Song” is generic for this album, and lyrically having sleazy daydreams about a kid at the laundromat.  Yeck.

Eat Your Paisley! (1986)

The first album conceived in the studio era, less of a grab bag than Big Lizard.  Might still have featured a lot of recycled material, for all I know.  This one had more of the two singers, Rodney Anonymous and Joe Jack Talcum, playing off each other.  They went off the rails sometimes, like they were divas of snotty punk singing.  I feel that harmed some songs that were otherwise excellent.  I do like them singing together, just not when the last part of the song is them bellowing the chorus enough to blow out your eardrums.  These two first albums were less rangey with genre, more conventionally punk rock.  That made them less likely to resort to novelty songs.

Novelty Songs

I kid, I kid.  These could all be in the category of “Good Stuff.”  I just think they’re gimmicky enough in concept that they would fit too well on The Dr. Demento Show.

*** “Air Crash Museum” is about finding all the celebs that died in plane crashes and making them into a taxidermy museum.

**** “Beach Party Vietnam” is about Frankie Avalon being drafted.  Sample lyric, “Hey Frankie, aren’t you gonna give me your class ring?”  “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Annette.”  “Why not?”  “Because I don’t have any arms.  AAAAUGH!”

*** “The Thing That Only Eats Hippies” is Exhibit A for the idea punk rockers hate hippies.  It was the single for this album.  Kinda fun, but I don’t feel the thesis much.

Good Stuff

**** “Where the Tarantula Lives” is the lead-off track, almost a novelty song, but I cut it some slack in that regard because it’s an exemplar of their personal genre.  Conspiracy foolery, low brow culture, country-influenced punk, emphasis on good music over lyrical wit.  Other fans might rank it a Classic, I don’t quite.

**** “Happy Is” a song about hating the nonconformist.  This has to be a “villain” point-of-view song, right?  But the laid back delivery makes it feel more relatable than it probably should be.  Anyway, it’s a fun little song.

***** I fucking love “Six Days” but can’t quite rate it a Classic.  That category is a rough amalgam of my personal bestiests plus the ones I’m pretty sure fans regard the most highly, emphasis on the latter.  This is a shout-out song, like the country standard “I’ve Been Everywhere,” Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Jump On It,” or Old Dirty Bastard’s “I Can’t Wait.”  I just think it’s fun, puts a punk attitude on that genre.

**** “Take Me Apart” is just a good solid song.  I don’t have much to say about it.  Relatable feelings presented, and when they reach their most maudlin, delivered like a self-effacing joke.  Good humor, and the two singers don’t wear out their welcome on this one.

Classics

***** “Fifty Things” is one of my faves on the album, painting the picture of a bunch of punk youths sharing a flophouse.  Frenzied, relatable, very amusing.

**** I like “Swampland of Desire” a lot.  Just really good music, a funny theme.  Love as a mucky slime situation.

***** “Earwig” is my favorite track on the album.  Not musically, tho it’s cool.  The lyrics are the best on the album.  I think the reason I like The Dead Milkmen so much is that the world they describe is a mockery of the one I live in, the world I know, that is seldom depicted in TV and movies.  This ain’t Friends or Leave it to Beaver.  This is Black Hole or Like a Velvet Glove Cast in Iron, but funny.

Filler

** “KKSuck2” is just a random instrumental bit.

*** “I Hear Your Name” is alright, but if you don’t like the band?  You will find it maddening as hell.  The pace, the monotone singing, combines with the sentimental words to make something a little queasy and dull.  I listen to it when I’m listening to the album, but not the best.

** “The Fez” is a slow instrumental jam, psychedelic noodling with a menacing vibe.  The slow pace basically lets them do improv lyrics.  This is a song where I could legit freestyle to it, and maybe that’s what they did?  I wouldn’t know.  I just know it is non-essential.  There’s a “haha men got raped” joke, like, wotta wacky reversal.  There’s an interesting confession: “There’s a time for takin’ and a time for givin’, but rippin’ off The Butthole Surfers is how we make our livin’.”  Do they?  I think BHS basically ripped off Frank Zappa while high on inhalants and PCP.  Snotty as the Milkmen were, they seemed a lot less willing to make unremittingly officious music.  It’s punk, it’s funny, but it ain’t the same as The Butthole Surfers.

** “Vince Lombardi Service Center” is an instrumental outro that is fine.

Garbage

** I rate the Garbage on this album more highly than the first because I think they’re better musically and less offensive.  However, this song is just about ruined by the last part, where the singers are fucking shit up.  “Two Feet Off the Ground” also does not offer much in the lyrics, just a kind of banal pyschedelia.  Less LSD than kids asphyxiating themselves with the choking game.  I saw my home boy Try-Anything-Once Todd do that once.  Cleared out his sinuses.

** “Moron” is ableist of course, and has some uninspired rhymes and very unpleasant singing.  Weird pathos granted to the unlovable Depeche Mode fan with day-glow gloves in this song.  I like the music, I don’t usually skip it, but again, if you don’t like the band you will hate this one.

Bucky Fellini (1987)

One album a year at this point, Bucky Fellini goes farther into genre experimentation on a few tracks, and much farther into country than the previous albums.  Is the ill-tempered redneck character of their albums actually meant to be a malign figure, or somebody to be related to?  While the style is getting more bizarre, the recurring themes of their catalogue are taking over on this album. They were closer now to achieving their final form…

Rednecklery

** “Watching Scotty Die” is a country song that wobbles along like a wheezy old dog, lamenting the pollution caused by corporate greed.  I could imagine a serious version of this song working, but it’s in the uncanny valley between zany and maudlin.  I usually don’t skip it?

*** “Big Time Operator” isn’t very musically creative, but it’s alright, kinda funny. Story of a troubadour who is very full of himself.

** “Tacoland” is about a grotty restaurant in San Antonio which the twangy narrator regards as some kind of elysium.

Good Stuff

*** “Take Me to the Specialist” is a foolhardy depiction of mental illness, but the music is fun and it’s worth a chuckle.

**** “City of Mud” displays the strange line these guys ride between mocking ignorant rednecks and suburban bums, and just expressing their shared point of view.  While it does sound like Rodney is doing a character here, it’s hard to imagine he doesn’t feel at least a little like the dude he’s playing.  “We’re gonna drag Bruce Springsteen by his ankles through the streets.  By the time we’re done the Boss will look like a side of Beef.”  Indeed.

**** I had no damn idea “Rocketship” was a Daniel Johnston cover.  These dudes were too hip for the year “Never Gonna Give You Up” charted.  It’s a nice song, for punk rock.  If you don’t like them you’ll hate it, if you’re me you’ll be quite fond.

*** “(Theme from) Blood Orgy of the Atomic Fern” is what it says on the box.  Repetitive and a thin joke, but hey, it’s a blood orgy of an atomic fern, so it gets a point back.

**** “Jellyfish Heaven” is probably racist and probably uses a song you like for a joke lyric.  But it’s one of the better tracks on this album, I feel.

Classics

***** “The Pit” is the opening track and it’s so fucking fun.  I love it.  Also big relate because I’ve lived in fucked up slimy circumstances too many times, and not caring about it, while far from a solution, is a way to adapt.  The beginning is a reference to Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz.”

Wow, I only rated one song on the album this highly and it was very short, the first track.  Bad sign.

Filler

** “I Am the Walrus” is a cousin to the redneck from their other tracks, a boomer and a bircher.  Probably the same dude from the more well-regarded track “Stuart,” on their later album Beelzebubba.  He’s angry, he’s intoxicated, he’s suburban, and he’s hung up on pop culture.  It just seems kinda obvious for these guys.  Got old for me.

** “Going to Graceland” isn’t very good, but it isn’t very bad, and I don’t bother to skip it.  I’ll say that it feels so much like this is what the guys are like in real life.  I can imagine the whole band going on the tour at Graceland and acting like jokers while trying not to get kicked out.

*** “Nitro Burning Funny Cars” is just here, doing its thing.  Doesn’t have a point.  Is very Dead Milkmen.  It’s alright.

*** “Surfin’ Cow” brings back their surf influence for a mostly instrumental track, still unmistakably theirs.  I’m getting the impression as I look at all of these, however, that I did not like this album as much as I thought I did.

** “(Untitled Instrumental)” is a hidden track / reprise of the album’s musical motifs.  It’s non-essential.

Garbage

* “Instant Club Hit (You’ll Dance to Anything)” is pure novelty song, ditches their musical chops to just make punk rock complaints about more successful musicians.  Prejudiced against bisexual goths.  Unforgivable.  I used to think this was funny when I was a child, but it actually figured into a moment when I was unintentionally homophobic at somebody who was very important to me, might have fucked up that relationship forever.  Not Milkmen fault, but they were being a bad influence on an impressionable young asshole.  Like, literally I’ve always been attracted to goths and been slow roll discovering my pants sectionality.  I’m the one this song hates.  But it is a joke, why so serious batman?  I played myself.

* “The Badger Song.”  Did I say something like “They aren’t as committed to making officious music as The Butthole Surfers”?  This album has some obnoxious ones.

To be continued!

Monstral Cladismo

As part of my notion of building all my monsters and playable races at the same time, making them feel part of a creative whole, I’m establishing ways to categorize or group them…

COSMOLOGY
Where the monsters be at.  I don’t want the spread or ambition of some big-ass multiverse.  One world will do.  Center of the universe, it is.  It’s got its own heaven and hell et cetera, and this is the breakdown.

GAYA
The physical world where every ridiculous thing comes together, where most adventures would take place.  Situationally any and all monsters can be found there.  Some, like humans and sheep, are native to the plane, with the Gayan type.  This realm is associated with Body magic, as it is the place where incarnation happens – where flesh is truly flesh, not some spiritual illusion of the same.  Also associated with Drama magic, as the stage where the greatest stories play out.

THE ABYSS
Around every plane of existence, seeping into them, breaking them gradually down to nothing, is the big realm of Death and the dead.  Fools that imagine they’ll live forever in the afterlife don’t know.  The afterlife’s days are numbered.  No small amount of undead dwell there, but creatures born of the plane are called Abyssal.  The realm is of course associated with Death magic.

THE SKEINS
Everything is bound together by threads of meaning, of relationship.  For example, all humans would be bound by a “human” thread.  This is the basis of Binding magic.  The metaphysical manifestation of this is a spiritual web that, like the Abyss, connects to everything.  Unlike the Abyss, one with the right magic can travel on the Skeins directly.  The few strange creatures native to this interstitial space are called Ideal.

THE DEEP WILDS
In the wild places of Gaya, go far enough and the map may lose you.  The Deep Wilds are where wild creatures like sileni, satyrs, and faerie folk come from.  The realm is a spiritual reflection of nature, but taken to great extremes.  Some creatures of the Deep Wilds have been incarnated on Gaya or even been born on Gaya, to where they lose some connection to their ancestral home, but are still considered to be of the Wild (or Wild and Faerie) types.  This realm is associated with Wild Magic.

THE ELEMENTAL REALMS
Pretty stock biz.  Fire, Earth, Air, Water.  Realms of ’em, easier to reach from the Deep Wilds than from Gaya itself.  Associated with Great Magic, Alchemy, and creatures of the Elemental or individual element types.

HEAVEN
Associated with Holy magic, Heaven is where order and obedience reign supreme, where harmony creates something resembling eternal bliss.  Sometimes that may be genuinely beneficent, but beings from this realm, whether god or angel, can be as evil as anything.  Tread carefully, and take the actions of their followers on Gaya over the words in their hymns.  Most easily accessed by dying while sworn to serve a deity there, or from the Singing Realm.  Creatures of Heaven are called Celestial.

THE SINGING REALM
The Singing Realm is a strange place somewhere between Heaven and Gaya, stairway to the gods in the form of an endless city of ever ascending ziggurats and temples.  Souls of the dead who didn’t quite get to Heaven are found here, playing out a lesser paradise until they get so bored the Abyss takes them, or they change into something new, ascend to Heaven or incarnate again on Gaya.  Other creatures live here as well, and like those in Heaven, they are considered Celestial.  Many communities of dwarves and giants have dwelt there so long as to not remember their own origins, and those that dwell on Gaya descended from these.

THE SILVER VOID
Associated with Mind magic, the Silver Void is a place of seemingly endless mental energy.  It plays out there like an unending amusical tone, like psychic tinnitus.  This is soul energy devoid of the Law of Heaven or Chaos of Hell, just alien and buzzing.  Creatures that live in the Silver Void include the greys, flying in their silver discs, some few gods and their servants, and myriad spiritual reflections of the ways that thinking beings exist.  Those that are born here are considered to be the Astral type.

THE SILENT REALM
As the Singing Realm is to Heaven, the Silent Realm is to the Silver Void.  It’s a desolate reflection of Gaya, turned in on itself in endless mazes where souls play out their struggles over and over, until they disintegrate, ascend, or reincarnate on Gaya below.  Some natives of this realm include oneiroi, who play the roles of “supporting cast” in the psychodramas of lost souls.  Like those in the Silver Void above, they are considered to be Astral.

HELL
Associated with Hexing magic, Hell is a twisted reflection of Gaya steeped in chaos and torment.  There is also a kind of vitality there, tho it doesn’t hold a candle to that of the Deep Wilds.  It’s the vitality of freedom, of accepting the pain and difficulty of existence, of living it to the utmost before willing oneself the rest of the way out the door, into the Abyss (or going unwillingly of course).  Some creatures of Hell are surprisingly kind, more are as capriciously cruel as the reputation would suggest.  The type is Demonic.

THE SCREAMING REALM
In a sense this realm is worse than Hell itself.  As the Singing Realm is to Heaven, as the Silent Realm is to the Silver Void, so the Screaming Realm is to Hell.  This is the purgatory where those who died in great strife or iniquity must face their personal demons until they either escape to a gentler place (most often the Silent Realm), reincarnate, disintegrate under the weight of their suffering, or fall fully into Hell proper.  There are other things to be found here besides a labyrinth of personal hells, including great cities of lamias and ogres.  The lamias and ogres of Gaya descended from these.  Like other creatures from here, they are considered Demonic.

RANKS
Categorizing creatures by their relative power and station in the world.

ANIMALS
Self-willed organisms whose limited cognitive abilities prevent from engaging in civilization. Can’t learn more than a very limited vocabulary, unable to learn a character class, although they can advance in levels and abilities.  You don’t wanna meet that 16th level Mosquito.  Your blood will be sucked.

RACES
The species that can engage in technological society on roughly equal footing, typically bipedal with stereoscopic vision and opposable thumbs, tho not necessarily.

HOSTS
A species or group of species that are united by a theme or hierarchy, like faerie folk, giants, devils, or angels.

LEGIONS
A species or group of species that more directly serve a higher power or purpose, typically more powerful than Hosts.

LEGENDS
Demigods and monsters, these are unique creatures whose status transcends the mundane.  Some are elevated from common creatures, others came into their current incarnation by other means.

GODS
Unique creatures like Legends but much more powerful, sometimes alone, more often part of a pantheon of related beings.

OVERGODS
Gods that have become so powerful they are often presumed to be foundational to the cosmos in some way, which is not true.  Some have pantheons in their service or arrayed against them as enemies, others hold themselves above those interactions.

TYPES
Lifting this concept from D&D, tho anyone could have come up with it and probably did.  Categories of creature.

Gayan – Native to Gaya, or naturalized there.

Divinity – In game terms, these are creatures that can do things that transcend game rules.  The weakest are magic animals, who usually have one abnormal reality-breaking power, like performing a great labors in moments, but only when nobody is watching, or telling absurd lies that can somehow fool anyone.  The most common are nymphs and demigods, who can on rare occasion perform heroic feats that defy reason.  Intermediate are legions, and the most powerful are gods themselves.  Divinities can come from any realm in the spirit worlds or from Gaya.

Spirit – All creatures not of Gaya.  Some creatures whose ancestry is not Gayan, but who have descended from generations of Gayan residents, can replace this type with the Gayan type.

Spirit Realm Types – Abyssal, Astral, Celestial, Demonic, Elemental, Fire, Water, Air, Earth, and Wild.

Animal Types – Animal is a type (for animals not of the races), and all animals, including those who are members of the intelligent races, have animal types.  These aren’t necessarily natural clades, can be polyphyletic or just make no sense beyond folk sense.  Amphibian, Bird, Bug, Dragon, Fish, Jelly, Mammal, Mollusc, Reptile, and Worm are the broadest types, and there are dozens that are slightly more narrow.  Some notable types include Ape, Serpent, Rodent, Swine, Dog, Cat, Cattle, Frog, Spider, Fly, Raptor, and Fowl.  There are creatures with less grand places in the imagination of intelligent races, which therefore lack a narrower type, like raccoons, skunks, and kinkajous.  Creatures that blend features of more than one animal type have both animal types.  Simply being a biped with opposable digits isn’t considered a type here, as that is quite varied.  The average person doesn’t recognize the kinship of humans and monkeys, and the most monkey-like races imagine themselves the true heirs to the title, so no over-arching term unites them.

Plant – Not all ancestrally photosynthetic organisms are sessile in Gaya, but those that get around are uncommon enough they are lumped by animal types into one perhaps overly inclusive type.  This type even includes non-photosynthetic fungus, because the beliefs of the masses are what form conceptual threads.

Race Types – Elf, Dwarf, Human, Gnome, Ogre, Lamia, Koneira, Crowten, Nymph, Centaur, etc etc…

Host Types – Faerie, Lycanthrope, Giant, Vice Elemental … I don’t have as many ideas for these as I’d prefer.  Maybe Furry?  For all the obligatory animal people.  Maybe Undead should be here.

Legion Types – Seelie Court, Unseelie Court, Angel, Devil, Oneiroi, etc.

Animated – Normally inanimate matter, made life.  Rudewood golems don’t count because the carved wood in them is still alive in some respect, and so they have the Plant type.

Types I’m Not Using from D&D – No Alignments.  I’m not even a partisan on that hoary debate, and kinda like D&D’s alignment system, for that game.  Feels more interesting to not have it in this one, personally.  I don’t see myself making Aberrations or Oozes, or not enough to where there’d be need of a type.  Mind flayers and beholders are the most iconic of those and they’re not included in the open game license, plus I’m just not that into them, or most other things that would be classified this way.

Physical Properties – Amorphous, Immortal, Intangible, Flying, Aquatic, Undifferentiated (lacking weak spots such as organs), etc.

Magical Properties – Enchanted, Cursed, Blessed, Transformed, etc.

How do I use this guff?  Probably in a different post.  Before I move on tho, I wanna contemplate that notion I had of trying to make it all feel like it hangs together, like it’s unified conceptually.  I want to include a huge amount of playable races because players like to have that selection.  Ditto classes, later in my process.  But what kind of world has that many intelligent species hobnobbing?  A physically large one?  Henry Darger had a sci-fi setting with a world massively larger than Earth in geographical size and population, but subject to an encyclopedic variety of horrible weather phenomena that could kill millions at a time.  Kinda fun to see what people come up with when unfettered from expectations of physical feasibility.  I don’t feel that liberated at the moment.

Just deciding in advance I’m gonna go X far and no farther, that’ll help keep it from feeling like a whack-ass pile of random.  Be nice to have a bit more drilled down…  I should decide on animals and such as well.

I like the idea of racial diversity not being all orientalist or awkward.  Had an idea this world has a mega-continent like Pangaea, so everyone is together, but there’s a massive sea in the middle that somehow isn’t pulling a messinian salinity crisis on us.  Peoples from one area grade into each other culturally and physically, with people to the south having dark skin and curly hair, people to the west going pink for lack of melanin, people to the north olive skinned with eyes that get more epicanthic fold and hair that gets generally straighter to the east.  This applies to elves, dwarves, humans, etc, so we aren’t saddled with excuses for being racist about what they’re allowed to look like.  Locations can vary – a random enclave of unusual-looking people here or there – and with world travel possible, anybody of any color could reasonably show up anywhere.

The IRL disadvantages of the global south are too depressing.  Gotta wakanda this shit out at least a bit.  There are high- and low- tech places all over, the low-tech compensating with more powerful magic or other advantages.  There should still be injustice enough to motivate heroism, but I think, for me, the pattern of it should be less obviously tied to specific races and cultures being globally dominant or oppressed.  Thematically we could have technologically advanced kingdoms trying to oppress their neighbors or fight each other for territory, and getting beaten back by heroes.  But the techno-kingdoms could be run by black people oppressing black people, the barbarians could be white people being oppressed by white people.

This world structure carries implications for flora and fauna as well.  Aquatic life in the big sea could be long separated from out in the big ocean, and very very different.  With few barriers to overland travel, there wouldn’t be as many isolated ecological regions with suites of unusual animals.  Like no Australias or Madagascars.  Sorry kangaroos.  Unless I want everywhere to have kangaroos.  The continents pushing and pulling apart and pushing back together again can result in clades of animals coming together that would not have evolved together, without the entirety of one area’s unique beasts wiped out, necessarily.  South America was raided in a way that caused lots of cool interesting beasts to draw the big ace, but they still have lots of distinctive characters, like caviomorph rodents, maned wolves, weird marsupials, cool monkeys…

I don’t want to dream up the paleobiogeography of this motherfuckin’ globe.  I’m not quite that species of nerd.  Close, but not all the way there.  So I’ll just pick the animals I wanna see.  Let’s see…

Next post!

Bureaucracy Hurts

Had a dream I was at work, trying to walk someone through getting signed into a government website.  The security key involved the song Love Hurts by Roy Orbison, like interpreting the lyrics or pressing buttons at certain moments in the song while it plays, or living down to the story it tells.  Feel bad about your relationship in the right way so the website will let you in.

You know when you can’t sleep so you roll over and see if the other side will work better?  You ever feel like you’re doing that so much that to an outside observer you’d look like a rotisserie chicken?  You ever get restless leg feeling in your entire body?  You ever have difficulty sleeping because the morning sun is ripping thru your blinds or shining all the way thru your curtains?

We’re working on some of that, but other issues there are not the sort of thing where there is a fix.  At least I got a dreampost out of this one.  A candy-colored clown they call the Sandman tiptoed to my room last night…

This one’s so short, have another dream detail.  Woke up by alarm and had to immediately workmode, so I remember nothing else from this.  I was in an ill-omened marriage between a superhero and a mermaid.  We had a child that was an octopus or aquatic ant, like half a foot long, a thing that had to be kept in an aquarium.  We were talking what our next child should be, like when cis people are saying whether they want a boy or girl, but I was suggesting a scorpion would have a good combination of our qualities as people, earnestly.

No idea what was up with that or where it was going.  Probably inspired by Shipwreck and Mara in GI Joe*.

*sorry snakewreck shippers, marawreck was canon.

Thinkin on Monsterology

I was spending some time with demonology a few years ago, motivated by the observation that grimoires listing demons had enough in common that they presumably derived from an original source – that you could find that source, and get the “real” details on demonic characters like Belial, Samigin, Asmodeus, and Glasya-labolas.  I even found the name of this source: The Book of the Offices of SpiritsThe Lesser Key of Solomon and other texts purport to be transcriptions from that source, and yet, there are no extant copies that could be regarded as having high fidelity to the original – assuming it ever existed.  The copies of copies of copies change things up, so much so that the oldest version I could find, in the Fasciculus Rerum Geomanticarum, had a very different list and information from the later books.

And it was all hooey anyway.  If I could find the original Liber Officiorum Spirituum, I’d just be finding older hooey.  The trappings of systematic and encyclopedic information in the copies are enticing to that pokedex mentality.  I wanted to catch them all.  Once again, I find myself tempted to a similar end.  I’ve been trying to come up with the list of monsters for my big gay rpg, and the lure of finding the “authentic” or “original” monsters of fairy tales and mythology and legends is there.  But it’s all hooey.  Why do enough research to write a new entrant to the libraries of compilations that already exist?  Why not just make up my own hooey?

So I probably will.  But I’d still like to include the big iconic monsters of fantasy and folklore.  Pinning down at least that much, a useful thing to do.  Some campaign settings from 20th century RPGs went for the classic D&D list of playable races, plus or minus, and then tried to include some iconic new weirdos for flavor.  Others tried to reinvent the wheel with an all new list, or went for a more low-magic concept where all the players are human.  I’m pretty well decided on the first option.  As much as this is a TTRPG, I’m also inspired by video game RPGs, like the older Final Fantasy games.

Backing this idea up a bit, an anecdote that may inform my motivation.  In the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition dayz, when Monstrous Compendium pages were hole-punched so you could put them in your own three-ring binders, my Tech Support Guy had a good solid binder going.  I’d look at the intelligent species in it and think, that’s a character.  Why couldn’t it be a playable character?  So I used the monster stats to reverse engineer playable stats for a bunch of them – particularly satyrs, nymphs, and fairy folk.  Were they balanced?  No, but they were accurate to where a player version would be functionally the same in combat as a “monster” version, until they started gaining levels.  I might have even spaced out supernatural abilities by level, like they did for some creatures in 3rd Edition’s Savage Species, don’t remember.

What this illustrates is my annoyance with systems not being fully thought out from go, being constructed piecemeal.  If I ever get this thing going, I will try to get it as close to perfect as possible first time, so I don’t have to fuck around with revisions.  Part of that is the monster and class lists themselves.  I don’t want to make people buy a zillion “splatbooks” to get the full package.  Those kind of products weaken the original game as an artistic expression, because they result in numerous duplicated concepts.

Like there will be several character classes that are functionally identical to paladins, or separate stats for a creature from folklore by several different names, which were always meant to be synonymous.  Or so many “subspecies” of elf you wonder how one world could sustain all of those isolated populations, like why they wouldn’t grade into each other more like humans do.  It all just feels poorly conceived, which is what you don’t want art to be.  I know, they didn’t want to be artists, but I can’t help but be an artist, so this is my thinking.

And being this goofy combination of analytical and fussy, broad and abstract, I find myself torn between building a pokedex out of every source of monsters fairies etc that I can dig up from everywhere forever, and trying to get away from that altogether, because a half-measure would not be satisfying.  As I have rolled through all these kinds of thoughts, while wiki-surfing mythological beings, I’ve come to a perhaps tenuous conclusion that I want to make up my own guys, that can be representative of various guys from IRL mythology and folklore.  That is, I want to make up my own fairy that could be a stand-in for multiple types, like clurichauns and leprechauns and kobolds and duendes and gnomes could all possibly be the same species by different names.  Make sense?  But at the same time, not be so broad that my monsters can just be anything wilson-nilson – so variable that the core idea is lost and they become a conceptual mush.

I’m a victim of the same mentality as all those old school TTRPG makers, thinking I’m going to do it right, where all who have gone before were inferior minds.  I’ll make the one game to find them and in the darkness bind them, muhahaha.  But like many with these tendencies, I’m OK with never really getting recognized for that magnum opus.  It can remain the humble home brew.  I’m doing it for myself.  I will share it if it ever gets to a publishable state, but that’s not the aim.  The aim is to make something that works for me in all my particulars.

(I’ve been told having one’s work stolen by AI is the worst.  Publishing anything at all, well, it definitely makes that possible.  All my bloggy thunks will one day be grist for the Bébésque Machinélange, likewise my “magic system.”  There is nothing truly original here.  Steal it, somehow magically convert it into money, then come back and laugh at my foolishness.  I’d like to see it.)

So playable species should look like a natural part of the world they live in, should be conceived at the same time as the monsters.  It shouldn’t just be ooh, thought of a random cool thing, I’ll ram it in there.  Make the tree of life, fill it out, and then go into the individual branch ends and do all the random cool thingening there.  I’m jacking for beats.  D&D 3e had monster types, which was useful for game effects – a sword +2 against dragons affects all creatures with the dragon type – but also appeal to my interest in taxonomy.  There was another way of classifying creatures they didn’t get into much, an idea I gathered from their Planescape Monstrous Compendiums: by social structure.  In Planescape there are groups of creatures from the Outer Planes of the D&D cosmology that group naturally, like demons & devils (tanar’ri & baatezu lol), angels (devas), modrons, yugoloths, slaad, etc.  That was another layer of flavor I found interesting.

I’ve already come up with a lot of the basic material I’m about to explain here, but it was before I settled on my guiding principles elucidated above – don’t try to make stats for rusalkas and zmeys and banshees, make something that could be any similar creature by a different name.  Like, I don’t need five hundred slightly different spooky horses that will drown you, even if Europe did feel the need for that.  Resist completionism.  Proceeding with all that shit in mind…

is enough material for another post.  I break this up.