didn’t go to work today

i didn’t stumble out of bed to the alarm at six fifty in the morning today.  my husband goes to sleep much later than i do and to minimize his disturbances when i go, i try to lay out everything i’m taking with me the night before.  today, i forgot a few items which put a crimp in my morning – my underwear and my glasses, which i would’ve had to creep into the bedroom like the cookie crook for – if i had gone to work today.

i immediately began regretting going to work, wondering if i should or shouldn’t, which is why, as i took my shower, i decided i shouldn’t, and didn’t.  i mused that i’d rather be an anchorite monk living in a box and pondering jeezis all day than going to work.

also conceived of a notion to chronicle this day on which i’m not working, in this fashion.  due to the mangled order of operations from forgetting my underwear i would’ve had to put them on downstairs, and discovering my ride / mother-in-law waiting in the living room, have to awkwardly change into them in the kitchen.

one could say my forgetting things began before the week did.  i normally buy a block of mozzarella on grocery run and slice it for a few weeks worth of snacks, but this week thought i still had some – i hadn’t.

with these inconveniences i would have ended up leaving eight minutes late, which meant the school zone by my house would be more active, which would add another minute of lateness to my commute.

as i’d be typing this on the road, my lower digestive system would’ve started to fuss, reminding me i have at least two legitimate health reasons to not want to go to work today.  i’d also be wondering how much autocorrect could fuck up my post as i type all this.

so it’s a good thing i didn’t go and am not on my way, close to the place, as the sun continues its rise and cars rip by and seagulls cry and crows crow.  i swear crows have doubled or tripled in population within the last few years.  something fucked up is probably happening, bit it’s nice to see some kind of life proliferating.  anyway, lately there have been a huge mass of them on the roof of the building i work in, at dawn all huddled on the edge of the building, absorbing the early light, getting their will up to start hustling.  today i wouldn’t have noticed them, not being at work, also the days getting slightly longer might mean they left that ledge before i didn’t arrive.

as i didn’t approach the building, i didn’t check my blog comments and find an orgy of spambots feasting on my most recent blog post.  gross.

***

actually inside the place of work, which i was not, i would have realized i’d need to do this liveblobbing thing in shorthand notes to be expanded later, so little breathing time as is actually scheduled into any given work day.  this would have resulted in the day’s events switching to past tense.  is this past perfect?  i’m so tired.

i would have gotten into an elevator which insists on showing news stories on its little screen.  there’s one at the building where my storage unit is warehoused, which shows nothing but fluff about sports and cute animals and weather, thank fuck.  this one unfortunately would have been showing some news of the type i prefer to avoid, and in this case totally did because i wasn’t there.  i didn’t see articles about the cow-like italian bovino getting shitcanned, or the magnificently cruel and corrupt dude from fifa acting morally superior to cruel and corrupt amurrica, or whatever whatever.

there are pictures of shitler and couchfucker and some other worthless shit in the security vestibule of my office, which i normally avoid by walking past, careful not to use my peripheral vision, taking a ridiculously long way around, and coming in the back entrance.  this is not optional.  except today, when i opted to not be there.

we used to have our own cubicles where we could have personal decor and our own customizations, but now we’re permanently “hotelling,” taking cubes on the first come first serve, entering our gubmint names in a spreadsheet on a laptop to show where we are.  i would have “crytyped” my name with a few sloppy misspellings.  the keyboard’s clitoris would have fallen off again.

the big boss of the facility who once fatphobia’d me at the last office party i ever willingly attended would have felt the need to say good morning at me.  he knows my first name.  i would have tried to say some shit like “it is in fact before noon” but the mumble surely would not have been fully audible.

in the men’s room would have been putting on my makeup.  morning is the time for a few coworkers to empty their bowels in the last easy-going style moment they’re going to have, and the scent would have been unlovely, but hey, i wasn’t there.

the lost time would have meant horking down breakfast and hopping on the phones as quick as possible, straight into a frenzy of activity.  sometimes emotionally charged, sometimes intellectually challenging, always 2 fast 2 furious, unless i’m not there, which i wasn’t.  not getting my mozzarella with breakfast would have meant starting to tap out near lunchtime and chucking some other kind of snack into my gullet in some transient moment i’d stolen for myself, which i didn’t have to do because i wasn’t there.

***

lunch would have been fortunate to not be as funky in the low end as the morning portended and therefore not lost any precious time to needing to use the bathroom.  the break is still too short and i would have speedwalked everywhere to get my food eaten and get back to my desk timely.

lately they’ve been on us to never ever go over on break time even by a minute, my response to which is giving my reasons for any overage, in the preferred format for documenting off-phone time, with an email to boss.  would have been one minute late back from both 15s and lunch, so an email explaining that tossed together in the last moment of my shift would have been in order if i was there.  but the few minutes they give us to check email and do training videos at the end of the day is cancelled on the busiest days which it was, so it was good i wasn’t there, would have totally forgot to document it taking slightly longer than anticipated to wipe my ass.

***

after the last fifteen minute break, a few calls in, i would have started to get this wiggly feeling, 15:52 hours military time, hard to focus, feeling emotional, like manically sad maybe, very hard to describe.  would have set myself in a mode so that no call drops in when the current one ends.  big sigh of relief when that call ends in a relatively short amount of time, then racing around to go to the bathroom or eat a snack or any other number of things i would have had to do if i had been there and feeling like that which i wasn’t.  passing each other in the hall another coworker whose name i don’t even know would have called me by the short version of my gubmint first name, making for “right back atcha chief” styled awkward moment.  didn’t happen.

would have managed to manipulate the course of last call to end with several minutes to spare, much nicer than the shifts like the day before when i went into three minutes of overtime which is not long enough to get paid for.  my lunch bag much smaller after having consumed all the pop i’d brought with me, i could stuff it in the laptop bag and minimize what i carried on the way out, if i had been there.

same elevator same news stories same aunt-in-law giving a ride home so graciously i can’t mention how horrible the pop music on her car radio is to me, drag the recycling bin in from the curb, and it would have been evening time, but i wouldn’t have had to hear that radio and i  was able to take in the recycling bin earlier in the day at my leisure because i didn’t go and was grazing on food and napping at my own pace throughout the day, like some kind of animal who has never heard of clocks.

***

good thing i didn’t spend any time at work blogging because that’s strictly not allowed.  but not having gone there, or having stayed home as i very much did, i would have ended up in the same place, making a small few meals for my husband and doing some bare minimum chores, the last of which are still ahead of me.

and here i am.  good night.

–

“Why?,” I blog.

I don’t even know if this sidebar joke will work until it posts, like, will the punctuation all display as desired?  Anyway, Mano had the kind of post a bunch of self-important blowhards might want to respond to in kind, like “why i’m an atheist” or “the benefits of my raw hog fat diet.”  Not an unworthy subject, simply, why he blogs.  Just sayin’ that teases the question from the minds of other bloggers, compels people to think, hey, that’s something I do that makes me cool and special, I’d better tell everyone about it.  Or will it provoke that response?  We’ll see what the rest of the sidebar looks like tomorrow.

I don’t have time to make a long post of this, so I’ll hit the bullets.

  • Lofty-minded, I believe that engaging in the discourse of civilization holds the potential to turn hearts and minds.  To win a vote, to catch the attention of a rich bitch or lawmaker at a key moment.  To somehow make the world a better place.  Admittedly, I’m too much of a coward and bum to do this where it would really matter, on social media, but hey, according to my stats at least one person in The Department of the Interior visited my site without having cookies disabled, at some point in the past.  Hello, beautiful.
    –
  • Vaingloriously, I believe on some level, despite all evidence to the contrary, that I am that special kind of genius who could accidentally stumble upon the cure for everything, if I just keep talking, keep thinking, keep engaging with my fellow philosophers in the agora.  Let us carry the hems of our togas and get socratic with each other.
    –
  • Beggarly*, I imagine the waning fame of PZ and Mano can elevate the visibility of any commercial endeavors I may choose to promote through this space.  I intend to sell books someday, and being in that sidebar, staying in the awareness of a potential audience market, well, it just makes good sense.  Again, gooder sense if this was social media, but eh, fuck that shit.

Well now, I hope that clarifies things for the all of none of you who were curious.  Thus ends my entry to this discussion.

–

*I use this term in lieu of “greedily,” because greed to have one’s basic needs met is not greed at all.  Fuck a motherfucker that thinks that, but also fuck me for not thinking of a better word, heh.

Catch Me if You Can

In an effort to not be AI discourse all the time blog, I try to bury those posts quickly with something else.  Here’s an extremely low effort dream post.

Ever had an indoor, or caged type of pet, and have a dream you’re holding it outside?  Then in the dream you forget you were holding it just long enough to come up with empty hands, and now your dream has become scouring the world for said pet, or just crying because recovering it will be hopeless?

I had one of those.  Also featured being underdressed in public.  Was there anything new in it?  Lessee… I was walking by this house which wasn’t mine but for some reason I was sure all the plants in it were my husband’s.  But this didn’t jar me, like, I didn’t connect that his houseplants should be in our house.  The people inside were some kinda goths, the lights were low.

I saw these huge butterflies in there and called their attention to it.  Hey, let those butterflies out.  I’m busy so I can’t; I’ll trust you to get them out of the house how you will.  Coming in to tell them that, I stirred up the bugs, and realized they were colorful and even larger than I had thought, sphingid moths.  I left for the bathroom and overheard the young lady saying a poem or spell about how she hoped to gain something by eating them.  And I knew they’d be eaten by the time I came back, so no point launching an objection.

Alright, have a good day, and don’t talk about robots.

–

How You Treat AI Says Something About You

The existence and availability of LLMs brings out the weirdest shit in some people.  I personally believe it’s worth it, for the benefits mentioned in my pinned article, but it’s so bizarre to watch.  It really makes me wonder just how messed up most of us are, under the hood.  I’ve already stated for the record that I believe the majority of people are less intellectually and emotionally capable than we expect them to be.  (not ableist because i think this is cause for protecting people, not limiting their freedoms or shaming them.)  Maybe I should take a cue from 2024 me and expect no better, but it still gets me.

A guy linked me to mastodon threads that put me in mind of all this.  (not linking it because i don’t want to give these losers publicity.)  Exhibit A:  Some leftoid activist type says she sees LLMs as automated slaves and use of them as morally corrupt.  I don’t believe she actually believes that.  I think she’s a partisan participating in the AI moral panic for social clout, by saying something wildly inflammatory against people who use AI.  I dismiss her position as asinine BS and move on.

Exhibit B:  A story, possibly apocryphal, of a workplace.  Only one guy has the courage to use the evil sin machine of AI, and his justification?  It’s like having a personal slave, and because they have no feelings, that’s OK and great!  Everybody should have personal slaves!  Why don’t you want one?  While this guy could be fake, I believe that such a guy is possible, and gross.  He is not my ally in the pro-AI position.

Why?  Because that’s a creepy way to think.  I do believe it is absolutely legit that everyone should have labor-saving technology at hand, as much as possible, at all times, because labor fucking blows.  Fuck working any harder than absolutely necessary.  Fitness people are perverts, which hey, is fine, but that’s not an aberration I would ever go in for.  Different kinks for different binks.  But this guy’s phrasing shows that exploitation turns his crank.  That is gross.

To be clear, LLMs don’t have feelings and if you want to be gross to them, that’s perfectly fine, from a moral point of view!  However, the way you treat them does reflect on who you are.  One way of putting this,

“LLMs aren’t conscious but you should still be nice to them.  Kant was right.  Being mean to anything ruins your soul!” – The Kant Car  (misspellings corrected)

You interact with this technology by talking to it with human speech.  Much like how TTRPGs can become an unintentional test of moral character, a consequence-free fake person to interact with can also provide insight into who you are, as the user.  Someone who conceptualizes this relationship as slavery (yay!) is, on some level, a nasty creep, and telling on himself.  Arguably, he should be reported to Human Resources at the company where he works for making his coworkers feel uncomfortable.

Oh yes, the coworkers.  For some reason, they accepted this perv’s framing of LLM usage, and refused to use AI because they saw it as slavery (boo!).  (again, if the story is to be believed.)  This does not say something bad or good about them as people.  It does show that they are shallow thinkers and easily misled, which puts them in good company with the majority of the human species, but aren’t exactly great virtues to possess.

Exhibit A jerk was trying to be cruel to a broad outgroup of labeled enemies – the villainous users of AI – by equating them with slavers, no matter what gentle souls are relying on them for companionship in a shitty fucking world, what gentle or noble purposes they could be applied to.  That says something about her as well.

There is no pro or anti AI person in this article that I respect, save the driver of the Kant Car.  Have a nice day.

–

Cootie Catcher

Remember paper fortune tellers?  It’s a basic piece of origami schoolkids have made since who knows when.  You put your hand inside and open it one way and then the other, a much more elaborate way to reach a binary result than flipping a coin.  I dimly recall one being used to see who you’d end up falling in love with, but more clearly I remember a funnier use.

Instead of alternating on some kind of counting system, you alternate with the pincers down on the top of somebody’s head.  One of the results was left blank, the other one had a bunch of weird bugs drawn on it.  If you got the bug result, well, you had cooties, son.  That’s just science.

Hey, that wikipedia article is fun.  Give it a look.

–

Where’s the Concentration Camp?

As many people as ICE is abducting right now, where are they being sent?  Because as diverse as Minneapolis is, even a lightning speed deportation can’t happen fast enough to dozens of nations around the world.  Tons of Somalians in the US were born here.  They don’t even have citizenship in Somalia.

If there isn’t a concentration camp, they probably have a dozen or more spread around the city in warehouses and railroad cars and shit.  I have read the white people they arrest are beaten and abused but released in an average of 48 hours to make room for caging those with darker skin tones.

I’ve read Walz is not seeking reelection because of nazi death threats.  If I didn’t have a family depending on me, man, I don’t know what the fuck I’d do, but … so easy to imagine making that blood flow.  Death to all nazis now, regardless of what labels they’ve chosen for themselves, what flag they’re flying.  Eat shit and die, motherfuckers, please.

Anyway, on the antidoomerism policy, it does continue to be true that 99.9% of us will not become victims of this political violence, and life under fascism can suck but it can still be a life, with whatever moments of joy that can hold.  Let nobody who is frightened of these fucking monsters allow that fear to harm them in any way.

Long live the fighters in Minneapolis, LA, Chicago, Portland, wherever the jackboot treads.  May your enemies die face down in their own blood and piss.  No justice no peace.

–

A Prophecy

“Evil policemen patrol the city;
They look for somebody to kill.
They’ve done a little damage,
They wanna do some more now,
And they probably will.”

“I Wish This Song Was Louder” by Electric Six (2006)

I tease that this was prophetic, but the fact is police work attracts murderers like priest work attracts child molesters, so it’s been true.  But still, it jumps out when you hear it, given the way hair fuhrer’s goon squad is besieging Minneapolis at the moment.  If they keep on like this, we’re going to have a massacre at some point, possibly hundreds of victims.  I’m sure ICE’s secret body count is already well over a hundred “invisible people,” but this is that main street action he was bragging about.  Different.

The casual level of control the fash have over complicit corporate media might prove insufficient at that point.  My guess is they’ll try to seize direct control of media then.  I bet google rolls over for the murderers and restricts youtube for them.  What else might happen?  A good model for how the pigs will react could be the Philippines under Duterte, when they were piling up dead college students and claiming they were all narcoterrorists.

The rest of this song is more silly and irrelevant.  Give you something less dire to look at.

–

Dream Scheme

I had a dream that was very sensible.  No illogic or nonsense, just a pretty standard stress plot.  If I wasn’t racing to work, I would have bothered to remember more of it.  However, one element stands out in my memory.  It was not at all the point of the dream, just something within it.

There was a family of people involved in the dream stress.  I don’t remember much about them, except this.  The adult siblings were all involved in an alternate version of astrology that was somewhere between lottery and multi-level marketing scam.  You get these cardstock calendars, to which you would attach tickets that you purchased for each day, which were supposed to be instructive to your life, horoscope style.  Seemed like filling out the calendars was supposed to have a benefit as well, though I don’t remember what that was.

I remember these calendars and tickets though.  The calendars were big because they had to accommodate thirtyish days of tickets, and each of these was about one and a half by three inches.  Scratch ticket vibes in the design, though constellations were involved as well.

The oldest brother was deepest into the sunk cost of this MLMish quasireligion, and tried to guilt his younger brother and sister to stick with it when they were considering skipping a day.  Sister was the most insistent that younger brother just give it up.  After all, they had stress dream shit to do.  No time for comforting rituals.

Maybe I should design these things, work with an antisocial business major to print some up, and make a bank full of money.  Fill out your calendars, see what the future has in store for you!  The very fact I’d joke about this shows some reptile level part of myself would totally do it, shows that the damage I’m suffering from life in this shitty-ass country.

–