Just what we need right now.

So, a quick recap of where we are: The next presidential administration and the Republicans in congress and state governments across the nation are comprised of despicable human beings who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery and exile from the company of decent people everywhere. Instead, they have been handed unprecedented power, and fully intend to use it to gleefully unleash wanton destruction on the country, the planet, and the lives of millions, perhaps billions, of people, as well as unfathomable numbers of other species. That about sum it up? Mkay.

If you’re like me, for the past week you’ve probably been asking yourself “What could possibly be worse?” Well guess what. Our true enemies have a little something extra in store for us, a rancid, oozing cherry, if you will, to plunk down right on top of this colossal shit sundae we’re eating. I refer, of course, to the fucking squirrels.

[Read more…]

Squirrel attacks in Florida senior center, 911 call: “people are bleeding.”

People, I just don’t know what it will take to get through to the world’s citizens about the extinction-level threat posed by the Sciuridae menace. You would think it would be enough that they’re relentlessly attacking our critical infrastructure, infecting us with the fucking plague and stealing our beer. Now, as part of their escalating terror campaign, they’re jumping on, biting and scratching hapless senior citizens. [Read more…]

Space alien squirrel cephalopod.

image

People, I just don’t know what to make of this. Normally, my food conforms to certain standards of behavior. I insist on this, in fact. But this little fucker appeared in the middle of my appetizer, trying to pass itself off as just another delicious fried calamari. Well. I am not having any of that.

There is quite clearly something on my plate that is hiding in a fried calamari costume. I realize this is the Halloween season and all, but this is not okay. Its resemblance to a space suit is hardly lost on my keen eyes, but of course the possibility of squirrel fuckery is never far from my thoughts either.

Wait… are squirrels from space? Are the cephalopods in cahoots with them?

OMFG.

Obviously what’s called for here is some serious, thoughtful skepticism. And another martini. And some cocktail sauce.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Cyber Squirrel 1.

[CONTENT NOTE: As readers know, I typically write non-fiction. But lately I’ve found an interesting space to inhabit that bridges the real world with an imagined one. And…well, this is my first short story, ever. Many thanks to Cyber Squirrel 1 for the interview on which it is based, to Marcus for connecting us, and to My Amazing Lover™ for critical feedback and boundless encouragement. ♥]

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Cyber Squirrel 1.

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Precisely at noon, a gray van slowed to a crawl on Bedford Street before stopping abruptly at Barrow. The panel door slid open and I climbed inside. Before I could find sure footing, the vehicle sped away toward Christopher Street, knocking me first to my knees and then down on my side.

The darkness was instant and total; the air felt close and thick. I would not see daylight again until the sun rose the next morning, and by then I would have wondered at least a thousand times whether I would live to see another day. But I ain’t gonna lie to you. At that moment I was abuzz with adrenaline, euphoric even, as the van lurched forward and I contemplated the hours ahead. For this was a mission like no other: Your Humble Correspondent™ had been granted an interview with Cyber Squirrel 1, Chief Minister of Information and Propaganda of the squirrel army. And I was headed straight to the enemy command center.

[Read more…]

My friend Niki died today.

My friend Niki Massey died today.

Readers may know her; I have written of her here, several times.

I fucking LOVED her. And I know I made her smile, at least once in a while. I know that because she told me. And I am so very grateful for that in this moment.

Niki was a fucking badass. An original, one-of-a-kind, force of nature. A Social Justice Warrior of the fiercest, finest kind (she preferred “Social Justice Daemon.” Hahaha.)

Niki taught me many things: to be a better writer, a better activist, a better friend, a better human being.

I am devastated beyond words.

niki

REST IN POWER, my friend. This world is a better place for having you in it, however briefly.

♥

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This is your semi-regular reminder that the work I do here—and yes, it is work—is not without its costs, timewise and otherwise. If you buy my exclusive merch, I get a (small) cut: WIN-WIN.

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Do your part to shake the sheeple from their stupor and break the hypnotic spell of the enemy rodents by drinking from these striking mugs—BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
#squirrelpocalypse

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Everything tastes better when conservatives are crying.
That is just a fact, people.
Sipping from this nifty mug will soothe your rabid rage at right-wing blowhards and repel conservatives from your general vicinity.

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mugcompositeThese squirrel skull mugs are fucking badass and you should GET YOURS TODAY.

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WHAT?! You mean aren’t in the market for a mug? WTF. Well, then I guess you can shop for other exclusive items here.

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Or you could, you know, just pay me money:

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All proceeds to fund smashing the status quo, subverting the patriarchy, dismantling white supremacy, waging war on warmongers, obliterating the oligarchy, sustaining struggling friends, monitoring the squirrel menace, mocking conservatives and/or cat food.

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I recognize that many people do not have the bucks to spare, and in any event no one should feel obligated to contribute to my cat food fund. Particularly when they’re thisclose to eating cat food themselves.

Thank you for all of your support.