I’m on both sides of the fence about things like the world cup. For one thing, it’s a joy to see that humans can perform at such a level, but on the other, it seems to me like a complete kill off of any joy in the sport. Joy, which is often replaced by the ugliest form of nationalism. [I just accidentally put my finger on why I found the Norwegian team to be so charming] I also found the World Cup to be a bit disgusting, given that some of the nations involved are cheerfully performing crimes against humanity, while the others appear to be setting that aside, because, yes, the players practiced a lot. I think none of that really holds much water, because the players aren’t amateurs who are giving their lives to sport – they are professionals, who are gambling that they will make millions of dollars if they perform well.

So, I recently had a layover at Paris CDG, and decided to entertain myself by thinking of soccer teams and matches that should have happened. If you’re going to go nationalist: go full nationalist! Don’t beat around the bush.

[The Guard, Garde Imperial, tenue du 1812]

That was what started me on this rampage. I didn’t give the AI much of a prompt, really, but since I had been wandering around the Musee des Invalides with my dad, visiting my favorite Meissonier and Detaille paintings, I added “in the style of Meissonier and Detaille” to the prompt. I didn’t specify the delightful details like the imperial marks on his socks, or the banner “Live as a Hussar, Die Gloriously” and “World Championship” – it immediately captivated me and made me wonder what other things were in store.

[The charge of the Scots Greys, the World Cup at Waterloo]

Again, the details amaze me. The pack of the fellow in the lower right – a French Grenadier – 2e Grenadiers a Pied – is labeled on his backpack. Also, Cambronne’s famous retort: “Merde! La Garde meurt mais ne se rend pas.” [“Shit, the guard dies but does not surrender] The British are up by one point, and the score placard enjoins everyone to “Play with honour”  This is actually the spirit I wish for. There were brave men on both sides of the battle, who did the best they could and died – often terribly young – for the ambitions of an older generation of plutocrats and monarchists. There is a lot of tragedy to go around here.

I find the dynamism of the poses to be interesting, though I suppose the AI has a lot of soccer poses to  go by. Here, the Scots Greys appear to be about to pound the poor French goalie. In the real battle, the Scots Greys were taken in the flank by French hussars and polish lancers and cut to ribbons. As usual, the British made up poetic nonsense about how their “sacrifice” wasn’t to the god of incompetence, it was legitimate bravery. As Napoleon said, “The English have the best cavalry, and the worst led.”

Napoleon, crushed along with his hopes, sits in despair on a drumhead, while Marshal Ney tries to explain that the disaster was not a failure of French arms.

Of course, Waterloo led me to Blucher, which made me think of the great dreadnoughts of World War I and World War II, and the maniacal bravery that was asked of their crews. Here, we see a posed photo of the Blucher’s soccer squad, which played for the KaiserReich in the World Cup, unfortunately losing by a scrape to the British.

They look ready for a re-match against England and France. All too soon, unfortunately.

Another great German team was the incredible Jagstaffel 11, AKA: Richtofen’s Flying Circus. Staffed by some of the greatest pilots in history, and some of the best tacticians, they looked like an odds-on favorite but withdrew when Von Richtofen was felled with an unlucky shot. The Allied teams showed great fairness, and everyone paused to acknowledge what a giant had fallen. He was only 25.

IJN’s Yamato team had the emperor’s personal support, and battled ferociously. Unfortunately for them, the Manhattan Project Team had been busy doing some nearly incomprehensible trickery.

Ok, this one also is worth an extended note. I did not prompt the AI with special characteristics for the squad. I just said a few names. The AI actually added Dirac, and Schrodinger’s cat. It was not my idea to make Heisenberg’s position uncertain, either.

One last one, which didn’t quite work out:

After the dreadful, overheated slugfest of the 1187 World Cup at The Horns of Hattin, the victorious Saladin treated defeated Guy of Lusignan to some ice cold Gatorade (or is it Brawndo?) while Reynaud De Chatillon was escorted off the field after spitting in the umpire’s face.