Amazon.com has new recommendations for me based on items I purchased or told them I own. That last bit is odd though, because I don’t remember telling Amazon about any of my stuff. But let’s see what they’re recommending just for me, shall we?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
On behalf of the entire management team, staff, interns, volunteers, fans, friends and menagerie here at Death to Squirrels central, I hereby offer heartfelt congratulations to the Okie Squirrel Busters from Norman, Oklahoma, winners of the 2016 World Championship Squirrel Cookoff.
The damage caused by the recent flooding in Louisiana has been tragic and catastrophic. Only a villain of unparalleled malevolence would deliberately compound the troubles of residents of the Pelican State as they try to salvage and rebuild their homes, businesses, institutions and lives.
And what’s this?
Thousands lose power in New Orleans … because of a squirrel
A squirrel is to blame for thousands losing power in the New Orleans area on Thursday morning, according to Entergy New Orleans.
“Crews safely working to restore power ASAP after an animal got into our equipment,” Entergy said in a tweet addressed to the East Carrollton area.
“It was a squirrel,” the company added.
At the height of the outage, about 3,500 customers were without power.
That’s the damage caused today by one squirrel. And they’re just warming up. Once they begin to coordinate their attacks on our critical infrastructure, humans may very well be looking at an extinction level event.
#deathtosquirrels
[h/t Anthony]
A savvy Facebook friend was quick to alert us here at Death to Squirrels central about an incident in the UK as terrifying as it is telling.
Squirrel invades Tesco, launches itself at a customer’s back and refuses to leave the wine aisle
This weekend only: 30% off t-shirts & tank tops when you use checkout code ZAZZLETSHIRT.
…and 50% off posters with checkout code ZAZZARTSTORE.
An astute commenter here at Death to Squirrels tweeted to me an alarming development in the War on Squirrels™: “They’re coming for our technology.”
Behold what the universe hath conspired to deliver up unto me: the skull of a ravaged squirrel.
Okay, so technically it might not be the skull of a squirrel. How the hell would I know? I am not some kind of -ologist, people! Nevertheless, I am going to have to insist that it is indeed the skull of a squirrel, because it is just too perfect for my purposes. (Hey—conservatives make up their own facts all the fucking time. Why can’t I for once huh? HUH?)
And what might my diabolical purposes be, exactly? Well I wasn’t quite sure at first. But then I photographed it, the results of which you see above (watermarked). And I found it weirdly, oddly beautiful. Also kind of badass, you know? As in, evoking death and the transience of our mortal existence, or perhaps the face of some imagined alien being.
But of course what really, really pushes my button is that it’s a dead squirrel. Because let’s face it: the only good squirrel…is a dead squirrel. I ask you: could anything be more full of win?
Why, yes! Yes it can: its provenance.
__________
My Amazing Lover™ is the proud owner of a planting bed, one that sits beyond a slatted fence and just above street level. It’s full of lovely perennial plants like crocus, white tulips, pulmonaria and some waxy-leafed ground cover I gave him, extracted from the tiny yard behind my palace on Perry Street. He keeps it well weeded, watered and mulched. One day, he said there was something he wanted to show me in the planting bed. He pointed out the disembodied skull, which had a patch of gray-brown fur and some whiskers attached. “I think it’s from a squirrel,” he said.
OMG *swoon*.
The next day we discovered it had been moved, and now rested a foot or two away. The fur patch appeared to be significantly smaller, and I could no longer make out whiskers. By the following morning it had been moved once again, and picked clean by nocturnal scavengers. Circle of life, and all that.
I could not stop thinking about it, that small skull lying in the mulch. (I am super weird. FYI.) A few days passed. My Amazing Lover™ was on his way to me, and called to ask if I needed anything. “I need that squirrel skull,” I said. Like it was the most ordinary thing to ask for in the world.
“Okay.”
A few hours later, I was in possession of a clear ziploc bag containing my prized possession.
THAT’S RIGHT MY PARTNER BROUGHT ME A SKULL THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE FROM A SQUIRREL MAYBE.
If that is not the ultimate sign of deep and abiding love…well, I just don’t know what is.
__________
And because I am about nothing if not ♥♥♥sharing the love♥♥♥, I plastered that skull all over a bunch of stuff at my online store, so you too can be part of the #deathtosquirrels revolution.
Who needs pearls? You can have squirrels.
Subversive pocket square…
for all your formalwear occasions.
A sharp-eyed friend has just brought to our attention the latest intel on the squirrel menace. Due to the highly disturbing nature of this image, I have placed the surreptitiously snapped photo behind the fold.
WARNING: suitable only for viewers 18+ years of age.
This is your semi-regular reminder that the work I do here—and yes, it is work—is not without its costs, timewise and otherwise. So I am making it easy for you to buy cool stuff, and then you buy it! I get a (small) cut, and you get cool stuff. WIN-WIN.
Just look at these beauties! Huh? HUH?!
Do your part to shake humans from their stupor and break the hypnotic spell of the enemy rodents carrying these striking totes—BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
#squirrelpocalypse
Some of you may know Tony as a frequent and frequently excellent commenter at various sites on FtB. He now blogs ferociously at The Orbit. As a gay black atheist living in Florida, Tony is subject to multiple intersectional marginalizations that many of us will never experience, and of course the crap economy only amplifies these effects. He has been struggling off and on with joblessness (although there is a bright spot of hope on that front in the not-too-distant future), and is a few hundred dollars short on his rent this month. If I can help it, I would not like to see “homeless” added to his burdens.
I know that times are tough for many of us, and no one should feel obligated to give what they do not have. But if you can spare just a few dollars, they really do add up. Despite the ugliness that plagues our movement on a regular basis, there is also goodness and strength in this community. I think it’s important to put our social justice talk into action when it really counts, such as when one of our own finds himself in need.
Please donate whatever you can to Tony via PayPal here.
And Tony has another problem you can help with: he likes squirrels. I KNOW RIGHT. I have been trying desperately to enlighten him on this urgent matter before the coming Squirrelpocalypse, but he remains under the spell of the enemy rodent menace and has so far proven resistant to my pleas.
So when you donate via PayPal, there is a space below the amount that says “Write a note (Optional).”
Make it good. :D
#deathtosquirrels