DEATH TO SQUIRRELS EXCLUSIVE!
unretouched congressional portrait of
Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Debbie Wasserman Schultz is the U.S. Representative for Florida’s 23rd congressional district, a six-term incumbent and Chair of the powerful Democratic National Committee (DNC). How she came to head the DNC—and what she has done during her tenure—lays bare her obvious Squirrel Personhood.

From my Debbie Wasserman Schultz dossier:

The aspiring young congresswoman was handpicked by (fellow Squirrel Person) Steve Israel (D-NY), then chair of the DCCC, to head its “Red to Blue” program. This job consists of targeting Republican-held districts across the country that are potentially within reach for Democrats. What did she do? She protected three right-wing Florida Republicans—friends of hers, apparently—and publicly sabotaged the campaigns of the three Democrats running against them. The Democratic donor backlash was so fierce that, after a lot of hemming and hawing, the DCCC finally had to cut her loose from running Red to Blue.

Care to guess what the party establishment did next? They promoted her.

Yep. In April 2011 President Barack Obama let it be known that Debbie Wasserman Schultz was his choice to head the DNC. She was confirmed as chair a month later. Her actions in this capacity have been quite comical—that is, as long you find incomprehensible incompetence and undermining democracy hilarious. (And really, who doesn’t?)

Under her leadership the DNC, the DCCC and other Democrats in powerful positions have been unwavering in their support for conservative Democrats Squirrel People in races against bona fide progressives across the country. Obviously this is a terrible idea on multiple levels, but the biggest problem is that it doesn’t work. Well, at least not if your goal is to win Democratic majorities in congress, which is after all the entire raison d’être of the DNC and the DCCC.

Yet this stubborn fact does not stop the Squirrel People from doing it. I noted in the run up to the 2014 midterm elections:

Democrats are apparently attempting to win elections even in districts that went for Obama by appealing to conservative and Tea Party voters. This effort is doomed for a number of reasons, not least of which is that given a choice between a Conservadem and an actual Republican—no matter how crackpot or corrupt—conservative voters will pick the Republican every time. These are people who think Obama is a socialist, FFS. And meanwhile, given a choice between a Conservadem and a Republican, alienated liberal voters will stay home.

But the most entertaining demonstration of Schultz’s incompetence was that time she attempted to get Democratic voters engaged by spamming the DNC’s email list with a logo contest for car magnets or bumper stickers or some shit. Behold the three inspiring designs (in breathtaking Arial font) the DNC would have us contemplate:

“NOT A REPUBLICAN.” Jeezus.

At the time I was naturally so excited to promote the Democratic party to my fellow citizens, I helpfully suggested some equally inspiring improvements:

Clockwise from top left:
NOT A CHILD RAPIST Ⓓ
NOT A REPUBLICAN, WHERE ARE MY COOKIES Ⓓ
NOT 4 PEACE Ⓓ
NOT A THREAT TO WALL STREET Ⓓ

No takers at the DNC though. Weird.

Medical marijuana is a particularly good issue to illustrate how Debbie Wasserman Schultz operates.

58% of USAmericans now support the legalization of weed—that’s legalization, not merely medical use. The percentage is even higher for Democrats (and Independents, and younger people). And the number jumps to 81% for USAmericans supporting medical use.

But not our Debbie. She was one of 18 House Democrats joining a majority of Republicans to vote against a measure that would prohibit the DEA from raiding legal growers and dispensaries in states that decriminalize marijuana.

In her home state of Florida, support for medical marijuana is overwhelming: about nine out of ten Florida voters support it. But Schultz herself was vehemently opposed to a medical marijuana amendment on the 2014 Florida ballot. She paraded around regurgitating Republican talking points, likening medical marijuana dispensaries to Oxycontin “pill mills” and stating “Other states have shown that lax oversight and ease of access to prescriptions can lead to abuse, fraud, and accidents.” The medical marijuana ballot measure failed, garnering 57.6 % of Florida votes and falling just shy of the 60% threshold needed to pass it.

Completely coincidentally, however, over the course of her congressional career Schultz’s second-biggest donor has been Southern Wine & Spirits, an alcoholic beverage distributor and wholesaler with operations in 22 states (plus Washington, D.C. of course). Gosh, I wonder why they might be opposed to legal weed? And what would her campaign donors from the private prison industry stand to lose if weed were legal?

Fortunately, it seems her position on medical weed may have cost her the US Senate seat she considered seeking. The DNC is now supporting fellow drug warrior (and Squirrel Person) Patrick Murphy for that Senate seat. He is running against my BFF Alan Grayson.

More recently, Schultz aligned herself with Republicans in support of predatory payday lenders. If you’re not familiar with these pernicious parasites, payday lenders ensnare (mainly poor) borrowers into short-term loans with effective effective annual interest rates between 300 and 456%. Low-income borrowers become trapped in a cycle of debt that is difficult to escape. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center:

More than three-quarters of all payday loans are given to borrowers who are renewing a loan or who have had another payday loan within their previous pay period. This means that the vast majority of the industry’s profit is derived from loans where the borrower is obtaining no new principal…Studies show that 69% of borrowers use payday loans to meet everyday expenses, such as rent, bills, medicine and groceries.

But the important thing to remember here is that these loan providers are not all bad. They are, after all, financing the congressional career of Debbie Wasserman Schultz for us. She was a pretty safe bet for them, given her track record of standing with Wall Street interests to block meaningful financial reform.

Schultz proudly admitted on national TV that the Democratic party’s presidential primaries are a farce, stating “Unpledged delegates exist really to make sure that party leaders and elected officials don’t have to be in a position where they are running against grassroots activists.” So if Bernie Sanders wins the majority of pledged delegates by means of, you know, representative democracy, the party’s unpledged delegates can simply tip the scales in favor of Clinton and install her as the Democratic nominee. Regardless of what you think of Clinton or Sanders, does this seem even remotely democratic to you?

The good news is that lately there has been some serious blowback (finally) from more progressive Democratic quarters.

High profile pundits are demanding that Schultz resign, and Roots Action has launched a petition calling for her removal from the DNC. Some rank-and-file Democratic congresscritters appear to be sick of her shit too, for example leaking to The Washington Post that she blocked a DNC resolution supporting the Obama administration’s nuclear deal with Iran.

MoveOn.org and other liberal advocacy groups are attempting to pressure her on TPP/TTIP, truly terrible trade agreements on which she stands proudly with Republicans, Barack Obama, and a tiny nest of fellow Squirrel People in the House: hers was one of only 28 Democratic votes (out of 188 Dems) to fast-track the trade deals.

Even some of her DNC lieutenants are calling her out. Representative (and ♥♥♥personal crush♥♥♥) Tulsi Gabbard resigned as a DNC Vice Chair after tussling with Schultz over deliberately setting the primary debate schedule to favor Clinton over Sanders. Another Vice Chair, R.T. Rybak, accused Schultz of flat-out lying about Gabbard, and three other DNC Vice Chairs have also recently resigned.

Most promisingly, for the first time as a congressional representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz has a primary challenger. Tim Canova is “an activist, attorney, educator, and frequent commentator on the rigged economic and political systems that put Wall Street and multinational corporations first while leaving ordinary Americans behind.” In response, Debbie’s DNC is now blocking access to its essential voter file database for any primary candidate challenging a Democratic incumbent.

Schultz has also quietly ended the DNC’s ban on federal lobbying donations, opening up the spigots of special interest cash to funnel however she sees fit, presumably including her own primary campaign against Canova. Deputy communications director for the DNC Mark Paustenbach defended the move by saying, “Electing a Democrat to the White House is vital to building on the progress we’ve made over the last seven years.”

I’m pretty sure by now that I don’t need to translate Squirrelese for you, but what Paustenbach means by “electing a Democrat” is electing a Squirrel Person to the presidency. (Also: what progress is that exactly?)

The important thing to note about primaries is that it doesn’t take a “win” to win. Even if your leftier candidate loses, just having to fight a primary challenger can push a recalcitrant incumbent to the left, especially on issues the other candidate prioritizes. (Canova is targeting Schultz’s support for the TPP, private prisons, the drug war and the banksters—all of which are fucking terrible, and derive the vast majority of their support from Dick Cheney’s Lizard People—a.k.a. Republicans.)

But the biggest obstacle we have to overcome is the fact that the citizenry is as easily bamboozled by the Squirrel People as it is by the goddamn squirrels. My personal theory is that much as the rodent villains deploy cuteness as a weapon to distract and entrance us while they destroy civilization, the Squirrel People cast a similar spell by flaunting an adorable “D” after their names.

Of course no politician is in perfect agreement with the majority of their constituents on every single issue. But shouldn’t there be a line, somewhere, that Democrats cannot cross and still hold office with a “D” after their names? In my view, preying on the poor and supporting private prisons—two extraordinarily despicable manifestations of unbridled capitalism—should be deal breakers for Democrats, every bit as much as supporting forced birth policies ought to be.

Does anyone doubt that the Republican party has purged itself of liberals? It’s long past time Democrats did the same with Squirrel People.

They ruin everything.

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IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO READERS WHO MAY BE IN THE BUSINESS OF FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT: first, WELCOME! It’s not as if I don’t want you (and all of your friends!) hanging around here. I hope you enjoy the blog. Regularly. In fact, perhaps you should check in here a couple thousand times a day to see what nefarious mischief I’m getting up to. Second, please note that this blog is called “Death to Squirrels,” not “Death to Squirrel People.” I write political satire, and I neither advocate nor condone violence of any kind against anyone or anything… EXCEPT FOR ACTUAL SQUIRRELS OBVIOUSLY.