Editor’s note: Our new spirit medium, Monica, secured an exclusive interview with the ghost of Senator Lindsey Graham. The following is an excerpt from her interview. The full interview is in the print edition of the Babbler.

Monica: I call out to the spirit of the honorable Senator Lindsey Graham.

Senator Lindsey Graham: Are you an angel?

Monica: No. I’m Monica, from the realm of the living.

Graham: Gosh darn it! 

Monica: Senator?

Graham: I’ve been stuck in limbo all week. You’d think that if God was going to inconvenience me, the least he could do is expedite my passage to Heaven. 

Monica: You think you’ve earned your way into Heaven?

Graham: Absolutely! I condemned Homosexuality! I voted for the Defense of Marriage Act, supported a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, and voted against the Respect for Marriage Act!

Monica: But didn’t you solicit sex with men, and wasn’t your nickname “Lady G.”

Graham: What’s your point?

Monica: Isn’t it hypocritical of you—

Graham: God doesn’t care what you do. He only cares what you say! 

Monica: I don’t think that’s how it works.

Graham: I think it does, but even if you’re right, I’d rather be in Hell than be stuck here. Heck, maybe I could get promoted to the demonic senate. Couldn’t be too different from the US Senate.

Monica: I wouldn’t know.

Graham: I think I would. Heck, maybe I’m thinking too small. If I go back to being bipartisan, maybe I could get on God and Satan’s good side. I’d be liked by the two most powerful beings in the Universe.

Monica: You want to be on Satan’s good side?

Graham: He can’t be that much worse than Trump. Probability smells better, too. At least I’d be with decent people.

Monica: Decent? People?

Graham: Yeah! The only souls I’ve met so far are dead Iranians and Gazians. (Chuckles) They’re so annoying. The Iranian school girls are like, “Boo hoo. I will never grow up and get married.” I tell them to stop crying because they no longer have to wear headscarfs. You’d think they’d appreciate that, but no. They want to live under Muslim rule. Can you believe that? And don’t get me started on the Gazians. They try to send me on a guilt trip with their sad stories of their lives being cut short. They don’t appreciate Israeli mercy.

Monica: Mercy?

Graham: Yeah. Because if it were up to me, I would have turned Gaza into Hiroshima Part Two. Or Part Three, or whatever number we’re up to!

Monica: No wonder you were such a lonely sad man in life.

Graham: Lonely and sad? Hardly. I was on a roll before my heart gave out. I had the ear of the President on weekdays and on weekends, I enjoyed the biggest—

Monica: I don’t need to know.

Graham: Just know that I hired the best! Because I deserved the best.

Monica: And all the people who suffered because of your votes?

Graham: Why would I care about the little people! I had lots of friends in the Senate. Even Cory Booker said nice things about me. They all miss me!

Monica: I don’t think (Senator Bernie Sanders) has commented about your death.

Graham: He doesn’t count.

Monica: Since you seem to be in a bad mood, I’ll leave you now.

Graham: Wait!  You can’t leave me now. I mean…Even though I’m the most important ghost right now, I can make time for a lady like you. There’s no one else worth talking to—

(A moaning sound interrupts Graham.)

Graham: Oh, go away!

Senator Mitch McConnell: The Lord is calling me. I can see the light! Can you?

Graham: He’s joking, and it’s not funny!

McConnell: Oh my! I’m being pulled back into my body! Are you following me?

Graham: Stay alive. (Pauses) He’s been doing this ever since I arrived.

Monica: Doing what?

Graham: Taunting me as he floats between life and death. Hey, Mitch? Make up your gosh darned mind!

McConnell: I was wearing pants and a shirt! What’s on your body?

Graham: A suit, once my sister has time to bury me. At least she can sit in the Senate Chamber. Which is more than you can do!

McConnell: I can’t hear you. I’m being pulled back to Earth!

Graham: He’ll stop bothering us after 20 minutes of this nonsense.

Monica: I can wait because I still have plenty of questions for you.

Graham: I’m unalive. It’s not like I have anything better to do, right now. And I was just getting the hang of TikTok.

Also in the Babbler:

Illinois American Water: You cannot pay water bill with your soul
Canadian Smoke Monsters drift through Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook resident smuggling testosterone to US soldiers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/26

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

If you are interested in a dramatic version of the Babbler universe, check out my book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Available at most book retailers. You can also request copies from your local library.