“Its Rightful Position.”

Howard Chandler Christy's Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.

Howard Chandler Christy’s Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.

Jerome Corsi has been opining about how overwhelmed he is, it’s just so much work exposing non-existent satanic pedophiles and “red-pilling” people. In the midst of his rant, I was caught by one odd thing. Odd to me, at least.

“The corruption, the evil of devoting yourself to Lucifer ends up in satanic sacrifices, children abused, human rights kidnapping, just incredible human torment, torture, snuff films,” Corsi said. “The evil depths and corners of this are so abhorrent to me, and should be to every right-thinking American, that we need to expose this, we need to bring it out, we need to show it the light of day despite how many people it’s going to be disturbing to.”

“Those of us who are going to know every aspect of it are ourselves going to have to pray to God that we come out not so damaged that we become somewhat dysfunctional,” he added. “We are going to have to make sure that we pray and approach this with the light of God and the help of God in order to get through this crisis.”

“These days, I am overwhelmed with hundreds of emails and I barely have time to function,” Corsi said, wearily. “But I can’t sleep thinking that there may be one more radio show, one more opportunity to get the word out, one more mind to red pill. That’s what drives me is the desire to serve God and to have the Constitution of the United States restored to its rightful position.”

Personally, I think Corsi is already dysfunctional. Anyroad, what caught me was the line about having the constitution restored to its rightful position. It has a position? What might that position be? It’s very strange to be talking about a document as if it were a person…is there a little constitution throne somewhere? A nice, little flat crown? Asshole christians and conservatives already damn near worship the thing, they talk about it constantly, or at least bits of it. I’ll admit, I’m a bit confused about just what this rightful position might be.

RWW has the whole story.

Jack’s Walk

Jack and I visited the park this morning and this Canada goose followed us around for a bit. I think he was looking for a handout, but visitors are not allowed to feed the birds. They have a keeper who comes every morning to feed them a proper avian diet. We kept a respectful distance anyway because these birds are big and often aggressive, especially during nesting season which should start soon.

Canada Goose

Canada Goose

©voyager, all rights reserved

Cancer Chronicles 16: I Just Don’t Care.

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Herein is a litany of complaint. If you could do with less whine in your life, skip this one.

Friable. That’s me. I have reached the I just don’t fucking care point.  I feel so beaten down, and each beating is worse than the last, and like any beaten animal, I just wait with dulled eyes for the next blow to land. Part of this is the chemo, but it’s the pegfilgrastim (aka neulasta) which last strawed me. I had been told about bone pain, and possibly flu like symptoms with the neulasta. I did get random bone pain, but that wasn’t really bothersome. What happened in my case was all my back muscles seized up and went into full cramp. Then they stayed that way. Still that way. Imagine your whole back being one big charley horse. I talked about some of this in this thread, it’s hard to describe, but it makes moving seriously painful. The motor problems from the oxali haven’t gone away, and the neulasta seems to have done some amplifying, along with giving me a very bad shake. All of which are not good when it comes to drawing and painting. I can’t even turn a brush anymore, a life long habitual movement. On top of everything, the butt pain has come back, and I doubt that’s any kind of good sign.

The chemo brain is worse, too. My startle response is through the roof, because I’m not making the connection from sound to recognition. Usually, you hear a sound, auto-recognise it, and consign it to background or investigation. Everything I hear now has me jumping out of my skin. I’ve been saying all the wrong things to people,  ended up being thoughtless and stupid, and while I never meant that in any way, intent isn’t magic, and I got responses I fully deserved.  My ability to parse social cues, never what you’d call brilliant, is almost completely gone. Every time I fuck things up, I spend days on end crying and basically falling the fuck apart, and when I try to apologize, I manage to make it all worse. I figure it’s perhaps best to not say much these days. At least that way I won’t upset anyone.

Then there are all the little weird things. On Friday, I stepped out on my back deck to take a photo, and was sitting on a step. I shifted, and found myself screaming because it felt like I’d been stung by a wasp, even while a tiny, still functional part of my brain recognised there’s still snow all over, so no wasps. I checked my foot, it was fine, it had made fleeting contact with a piece of fucking ice. Ice, and I’m outside, screaming. It’s all so damned absurd.

And the fatigue. I can’t even characterise it. What’s levels past bone deep? I sleep, it’s never enough. Constantly, thoroughly chilled these days, even walking into another room in my house. I can’t stay long, and have to get back in front of a space heater. And it won’t stop snowing here. Sometimes, a person can get the feeling that Fate is having a good time fucking them around. My hair has gotten very thin indeed, and I’m losing a fair amount of it. That’s not helping.

On Tuesday, I get round 5 of chemo and pegfilgrastim on Thursday. Usually, the week before the next cycle is a good one, because you’ve mostly recovered from the chemo; not happening this time. I feel like shit, and back we are to I just don’t fucking care. I don’t care what anyone wants to do, just fucking do it so I can get the fuck out of this.

I do realize that none of this is remotely encouraging to anyone who is going into treatment, but my experience so far is just that, mine. Everyone is different, and there’s no way to tell what side effects might hit you the hardest, or what agents for that matter. The pegfilgrastim is a much meaner agent in me than the 5-fluorouracil or oxaliplatin. It’s quite likely it’s the other way around for a lot of people in treatment. Treatment is Sisyphean in nature, you shove that effing boulder up and up, and there’s someone at the top to send you tumbling down again, until the day you get to the top, and you get to stay. It’s that day you have to focus on. After tomorrow, three more cycles, then I get to move on to radiation. This is going to be one long year.

O Is For Omaisuus.

Omaisuus.

Omaisuus is Finnish for property. The juvenile gulls are fighting fiercely over the ownership of a fish (looks like a perch). The adult gull is looking over from the side. At times the adult joined the melee and in the end when the fight moved to dry land, the adult managed to pick up the fish from the ground and fly away. Sadly, I couldn’t get good shots of all the the three in fight or the adult flying away.

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© Ice Swimmer, all rights reserved.

Sunday Facepalm.

Great Again: Restoring Faith In America from EverBright Media on Vimeo. WARNING: if you’re going to watch, turn your sound waaaaaaay down. The initial blast of horns could cause a heart attack.

Mike Huckabee has a ‘free’ dvd for you, featuring time traveling kids who learn about how “god” founded Amerikka. I think all  the lunatic christians should be made to take the citizenship test for this country, they would all fail miserably, then we could kick them out. If you’re in the mood for godawful glurge, it’s all here.

Behind the Iron Curtain part 3 – Religion

These are my recollections of a life behind the iron curtain. I do not aim to give perfect and objective evaluation of anything, but to share my personal experiences and memories. It will explain why I just cannot get misty eyed over some ideas on the political left and why I loathe many ideas on the right.


Today’s Czech Republic is one of the most, if not the most, atheist countries in the world. I encountered people both in meatspace and on the internet who “blame” the former totalitarian socialist regime for this. Mostly such people are coincidentally also people who assign to this godlessness all kinds of moral failings of today’s Czechs and blame their lack of faith for exceedingly high divorce rates, crime rates etc.

When one looks at the actual data though, none of this does fit. Today’s Slovak Republic was under the same regime in the former Czechoslovak Socialist Republic, yet Slovaks are much more religious. Not to mention Poles, who are almost 90% catholic until today. The crime rates etc. are similar in these countries, only abortion rate is very low in Poland – but only because it is mostly illegal and inaccessible, during the socialist regime when abortion was legal, Poles used it at a rate that was not out of the ordinary for the time.

So my (lack of) religious experiences as a child were not to be ascribed only to the regime, but at least partially they were. It was complicated.

The regime was in fact overtly anti-religious. Priests were poorly paid state employees and private donations to churches etc. were not legal to my knowledge. Being religious was not illegal per se, but it was not encouraged either and there were some obstacles put in the way of exercising beliefs. Like all official religions had to register with the state and there were some specific religions and religious sects that were illegal (like Jehovah’s Witnesses).

My grandfather was a devout catholic asshole on whose grave I do not spit only out of respect for my father. My father became disillusioned with religion early on and possibly as an act of rebellion against it he entered the communist party at the age of 18 and was banished by my grandfather as a consequence. My father is the only atheist in that branch of the family. After I was born and my grandfather became deadly sick, my mother and father took care of him in his last years. Grandfather has obliquely acknowledged the child abuse he inflicted on my father, but he never apologized to him directly, only indirectly by saying to my mother that he wronged him yet he is the only one who cares for him on his sickbed. He died before I was old enough to know him.

So I grew up in an atheistic family and went to public school in a regime that did not acknowledge any religion as true and only reluctantly allowed people to exercise some religious beliefs.

At home, religion was never spoken about and I never felt the need to ask about anything. We had plenty of books and I was an avid reader, so I knew about the existence of religions and mystical figures. I feared the devils from fairy tales despite never believing in their real existence. Similarly I knew christian God also only as a fairy-tale father figure granting favors for good deeds. It was not before ten years of age that I learned that there are still people who really believe in Christianity, including in my family. Until that age I thought it was all over, a thing of the past just like Zeus and Hera. After I learned that my favourite auntie is religious, I was completely flummoxed and to this day I never broached the subject with her.

At school, there was some talk about religion in civics, history and literature classes. In fact a very good overview of the development of religion from polytheism to monotheism in Europe from Classical age through Middle ages to Modern era. I do not remember any overt hostility towards any religion during the lectures, only dry information about them and an occasional argument that proves false some specific claim. Later on I learned that religious parents could send children to a sort of sunday school, but I never knew anyone who did so.

Even the christian creation myth was taught – as a myth. And the gorgeous movie La Création du Monde was aired on TV and I loved it as a child.

All in all in my opinion the regime did a good job informing children about religion but did discourage indoctrinating them with any. However I do not think the Iron Curtain played exquisite or even major role in it because Czechs as a whole were seemingly lukewarm about religion for centuries. Which, again, is a different story.

N Is For Näkyvyys.

Näkyvyys.

Näkyvyys is Finnish for visibility. In this sightseeing cruise (in May 2016) in the Helsinki Archipelago the visibility was OK. The freighter in the horizon was probably coming from the Port of Helsinki in Vuosaari or from some other Gulf of Finland port east of Helsinki.

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© Ice Swimmer, all rights reserved.