I have a theory, which is mine, about getting older

Today is my birthday. Yeah, whoop-ti-doo, it’s a work day and I’m home alone and dinner is going to be rice and beans with no cake, so congratulations are not in order. Also, I’m 63, which led to my new insight.

I’m actually 3 vigorous, flighty, strong, bumbling 21 year olds trapped in one body. It explains why I’ve put on weight over the years, and they’re all kind of bummed out about being stuck in here, so they occasionally lash out, which is why my bones ache. It’s a satisfying theory which explains many phenomena.

So now I just need to figure out how to reconcile these three (who I’ve named Chad, Dexter, and Evil Dexter, by the way) to their existence as roommates in a co-op with really strict rules and no escape clause. Things might get better next year at this time when it’ll be three young men and a new one-year-old baby and we can start negotiating the sit-com rights, but until then I’ve got to keep these rambunctious wastrels occupied. Any suggestions?

If it helps, I spent my first 21st birthday in my dorm room, studying for a biochemistry final the next day. That’s what 21 year olds do, right?

Spiders gettin’ fat

I put some more spider photos on my Patreon account — last time I neglected to mention that I also post some on Instagram, where they are free and you don’t even need an instagram account to see them.

I fed everyone big ol’ waxworms yesterday, and today they’ve been turned into big ol’ spider bellies. The ones I photographed are all new additions, spiders that were born here in my lab as tiny little spiderlings, and have now been successfully raised to pulchritudinous maturity.

How many times must Maher show his stripes before he’s seen for what he is?

I knew there was a good reason I long ago stopped watching Bill Maher. His latest: furiously defending Tweety.

Maher claimed that all Chris Matthews did was make a poor “analogy” when he compared Bernie Sanders, a Jew, to the Nazis (“I hope the victims got some closure,” the comic sarcastically cracked); that Matthews was basically branded a “Klansman” for mixing up Jaime Harrison and Tim Scott, two African-American politicians; and that people overreacted to Matthews being “mean” to Elizabeth Warren when he pressed her on why people should believe Mike Bloomberg’s female accusers over the billionaire himself.

And then things got really ugly, as the HBO host targeted Laura Bassett, who accused Matthews of sexually harassing her when she was a guest on his program.

Isn’t it astonishing how being sexually harassed makes you a target again, if you’re forthright enough to tell others the truth? And how dinosaurs like Maher crawl out of the swamp to declare that he did nothing wrong?

According to Maher, Matthews “said some things that are kind of creepy to women,” continuing, “You know, I just, guys are married for a million years, they want to flirt for two seconds. He said to somebody, Laura Bassett, four years ago, she’s in makeup, he said, ‘Why haven’t I fallen in love with you yet?’ Yes, it is creepy. She said, ‘I was afraid to name him at the time out of fear of retaliation. I’m not afraid anymore.’ Thank you, Rosa Parks. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ! I guess my question is: Do you wonder how Democrats lose?”

I’ll tell you why Democrats lose: because they refuse to stand up for any robust principles of ethical behavior, favoring expediency over everything. Because “liberals” allow any old fraud, like Maher, to pretend to be the standard bearer for reason and virtue.

Then, every week, he brings in a goon squad of terrible conservatives with the pretense of balance.

One of his roundtable guests, the anti-#MeToo writer Caitlin Flanagan of The Atlantic, proceeded to further mock Bassett, saying of her, “How fragile can one woman be?” and insinuating that she was only booked on Matthews’ show because “she probably looked good on camera.”

With that, Maher chimed in: “Is she a compliment-victim or a compliment-survivor?”

Enough already. Maher is just a horrible faux-liberal shit-stirrer who provides a megaphone for even worse people. He belongs on Fox News.

Time to huddle alone in my man-cave

Now that COVID-19 cases have been reported in 28 states, I think we can say that efforts to confine it have failed. We have our first case here in Minnesota, a person returning from a trip on a cruise ship (Why do people do those cruises anymore, anyway? It’s like jumping into big bottle of culture medium and getting stirred around for a few weeks.) My university has sent out information to all faculty about what to do if cases arise — we’re referred to this Safe Campus website for updated info. Ironically, the email about this also says, “Our Emergency Management team—made up of individuals from across campus—is meeting weekly”. Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? If someone on the team is infected, the whole damn lot of them will go down.

My wife is off in Colorado, and as it turns out went through the Denver airport at the same as an infected but asymptomatic traveler from Italy was walking among the oblivious herd. She’s coming back in about two weeks through the same mob of disease-ridden cattle. We old, frail people have been advised to avoid all social contact, which sounds like a fine idea to me — I’m a denizen of the internet, that’s where I do all my socializing — but I have a job that involves talking with lots of people all the time. Fortunately, I don’t touch students…but I do get piles of papers handed to me. Maybe this will motivate me to adopt all electronic submissions.

We’re also advised that, instead of crude handshakes, we should adopt the Vulcan greeting. I can do that. I’m all for it.

“Live long and prosper”

However, this recommendation rarely comes with the necessary warning: do not, I repeat, DO NOT ever greet someone with a Vulcan mind-meld. This is right out, even if it would be a great teaching technique.

“Do you actually…understand…epistatic interactions in genetics?”

I was planning on going out for a nice walk in town today, but I think I’ve just talked myself into sitting at home alone.

We’re doomed

Jesus fucking christ. Trump is claiming he has a natural ability to do science.

Here’s what really makes me mad, though. Look at that scene; there are 6 other people standing around listening to that buffoon, and at least one more behind the camera. Not a single one of them speaks up. No one corrects this deluded liar or raises an objection. This is the ongoing social cowardice that allows a dangerous fool to persist.

I would have said, “You know nothing about this subject. Your uncle’s competence in physics is not heritable and is irrelevant here. I guarantee you that none of the scientists you’ve talked to actually respect your knowledge of science.” That’s the least any of those people should have done.

Trump is hopeless, but the rest of you are required to correct him.

Schocked!

I was surprised to learn that the most famous person from Morris, Minnesota was a disgraced Republican politician, known for using campaign funds illegally to decorate his office. It’s a strange thing to have attached to the place where you live.

Now he has cemented his position as the biggest name from Morris by coming out as gay. He worked for years against LGBT rights, so that’s a bit surprising (or is it?).

There’s more! Now I learn that his family was a member of the Apostolic Church of Morris (we actually have two churches for that sect here in town, the other is the North Apostolic Church). Uh-oh. I know that church: fervent, hard-working Biblical literalists who have a rather oppressive influence on the rest of us. That’s where he started!

My story starts in the rural Midwest, as part of a family centered in a faith and its particular traditions. At the Apostolic Christian Church where we belonged, we were enthusiastic regulars. My parents did their best to raise me and my siblings according to biblical tenets as they understood them.

I wonder if they are aware of how their beliefs boomeranged against them in this one case. They’d probably attribute it to the fact that his family moved to “one of the less rigid branches” in his youth.

If they’re all going to die anyway, why not get it all over with at once?

This guy is seriously suggesting that we simply infect everyone with the coronavirus right now and get it over with, because drawing it all out is hurting his pwecious stock market.

Even if you play it with the sound off, he looks deranged. How dare we hurt his money?

I have a few objections to his plan. One is that part of the problem with a pandemic is that it overwhelms the capacity of clinics and hospitals to properly treat patients. His solution maximizes chaos and thereby maximizes the amount of death and suffering. These viruses mutate every year, like the flu, so slamming the population now doesn’t mean we won’t get a repeat next year. And finally, and least, if he thinks the stock market is hurting now, imagine what it would look like in a month in which 10 million Americans died and far more are flattened with illness and grief.

That bozo is Rick Santelli, a business editor for CNBC. He’s not a doctor. He is evidence that a business degree tends to inflate the ego but not the knowledge of its recipients.