One more “he’s such a teddy bear” and I am going to set my beard on fire and howl. I met the similarly ferocious AJ Milne in Montreal, and he has written the first honest account of my appearance.

I assure you, the man was terrifying. Came into the place on this huge Harley belching clouds of black smoke smelling distinctly of brimstone, its engine thundering in that deep, subsonic register only the truly badass bikes of that brand get right. All while swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels, which he threw into the audience before mounting the stage.

Little known fact: the reason I had that little episode in the hospital earlier wasn’t because I’m fragile and weak. It’s because I was getting my heart reinforced and armor-plated.

And don’t worry, the bottle was empty before I threw it at the audience.

Meanwhile, Larry is baffled by my popularity. It’s not popularity, it’s notoriety and infamy.

The local newspaper would print out the names of all of the kids who made it onto the school honor roll, and my grandma would pinch my cheek and tell me what a good boy I was for studying hard. I do wonder how she would respond to making it onto the Playboy Honor Roll.

I think she’d say “Nehmen!” and wag her finger at me and tell me I’ll be getting no krumkake that day.

Our #2 Son has just graduated from officer’s training school, and here he is in his fancy duds getting his bars pinned on by his mommy.

Next, he’s heading off to Fort Knox for a while. He has been instructed to bring back souvenirs.

Here’s the video Thunderf00t made of his visit to Morris — that’s me slumped down in our very comfy sofa. It’s one of the ways we torture visitors, by tossing them onto the very billowy cushions.

Uh-oh. It’s a four-part series. No way am I watching all that.

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

I just got word that I am actually written up in, ahem, Playboy magazine, in the October issue, available ’round about now at your newsstand or via your subscription. Anyone got it? I’m curious to know if they discuss my awesome virility and elegant fashions at all, or if the discussion is confined to my teaching, as they said it would be.

There is no pictorial spread. This is a men’s magazine, remember — they wouldn’t want to intimidate their readers.

By the way, they are a very nice and considerate bunch. They actually sent me notification and asked if there was anything they should be careful about when sending out press releases to local groups. Here’s part of what they sent me:

I wanted to quickly ask you all if there are any sensitivities I should be aware of before conducting any local media outreach around your campuses. I plan on doing so, and wanted to check with you all to make sure that you don’t mind being mentioned in the local paper, campus newspaper, etc., before I begin.

I’ve passed it on to the university PR department (when I told them I’d been written up in Playboy, I got a wary, “Is this a good story, or a bad story?”) and I’m letting them make those decisions. It’s a little touchy. Morris has a bunch of blue law restrictions in town, or it might even be county wide, that do not allow the sale of anything suggestive or pornographic — not even Playboy (so no copy for me until I get to a big city somewhere.)

It would be really interesting to see this article mentioned in the local newspaper, telling readers about my appearance in a Forbidden Magazine.

It was very odd, to have somebody from the greater outside world appear out of the east and actually find his way to the remote and mysterious hamlet of Morris, but there he was, and he did bring cameras, and we sat down in my living room, and our conversation was recorded and will someday be edited and appear on the interwebs, and he has since moved on into the west, on his way to the Pacific Ocean and the Shangri-la of Vancouver.

You’ll all have to look for a new video from Thunderf00t in a week or two.