Yeah, if Jesus came back, you’ve got to wonder what he’d think of traditional fashions.

How dare cartoonists make fun of atheists? We are not to be mocked!

You know what this demands, right? Rioting in the streets! That’s right — all you True Atheists will get off your butts right now and go set an embassy or a cartoonist, whichever is handiest, on fire.

Or not.

You do want to watch Blake Stacey’s Friday Bill Hicks—it’s almost as good as a Friday Cephalopod, and 1.7 times as offensive.

Dinosaurs wore polyester leisure suits! This discovery pegs the Cretaceous at about 1970, so we’re going to have to readjust the timescale everywhere.

(via Zeno)

Especially poems that talk about origami thoracotomies—they’re like a shortcut to my heart.

Stephen Jossler has made a dazzling breakthrough in reconciling science and religion. He believes evolution occurred by natural mechanisms during the whole of the history of the earth (science!), except during the Triassic period, when a creator god intervened to create the diversity of life during that 40-50 million year interval. Before: genetics. During: God. After: genetics again.

It sounds crazy, but then…

Everything about the Triassic period points to divine involvement. Let me ask you this: Could some kind of random genetic chance make the population of shelled cephalopods grow significantly? No, of course not. So the only logical explanation is that there was an infinite and all-knowing cephalopod creator who modified their mollusk foot into a muscular hydrostat that eventually, on the sixth day, became tentacles.

And a great white light shone upon me from the heavens, and I fell to my knees shouting, “Hallelujah, O Great Triassic Cephalopod God!” And I was as one stricken, writhing in the Glory of the Lord, and when I arose I was not lost, but was consecrated to the Truth and the Way and the Divided Foot, Amen.

A couple of Los Angelenos visited Canada and found themselves feeling strangely relaxed…and they have an explanation.

Lovely Wife developed an excellent theory. The coffee at Tim Horton’s, Canada’s ubiquitous coffee chain, is heavily drugged. Canada would be a non-stop raging 28 Days Later apocalypse if not for the fact we’re kept sedated. She’s working on the screenplay now.

That perfectly explains the mellow reputation of the only Tim Horton’s addict I know. Whatever you do, don’t deprive him of his fix!

Trust the internet to lower the bar again.

(via 3quarksdaily)