Ethan Siegel wants you to compel him to go bald. He claims he is going to shear off all of his hair to raise money for charity, but I’ve seen this act before. It’s so familiar.

First, he goes completely bald.

Then, he gets a monocle.

A dueling scar would be a nice touch.

Then, to complete his transformation to the dark side, he gets a cat. Persian. A cat whose cold, expressionless stare reflects the imperious, implacable privilege of his nature.

Next thing you know, he’s posing in front of death rays and sending ultimata to world leaders. I hope he’s been working on his evil laugh; if he’s got a girlish giggle or some kind of nasal snicker this just isn’t going to work, and he’ll have to settle for a position as an Igor somewhere. It’s still a good gig, of course, so I encourage you all to go over there and help him on his way down this career path.

P.S. As long as he’s shaving, that carpet on his chest has to go, too. Hirsute is for henchmen; masterminds have to be fully depilated. Unless he’s going for the 19th century Captain Nemo look, which you don’t get by going completely bald.