Salon has an article on a new up-and-coming star of the evangelical movement: Stephen Baldwin. Stephen Frickin-Dumb-As-A-Lizard Baldwin!
For Dobson, Baldwin and young Americans the nation over who yearn for the certainty this brand of Christianity pitches, the personal is political. Absolutism reigns in the new evangelical youth movement, shining through the chaos of modernity, global terror, media bombardment and glorious moral relativism. Baldwin pitches the ultimate dumbed-down fundamentalism, offering reductive, brainless theology. “I sleep good at night because I am totally content in the knowledge that God is in control,” he writes, a conviction glittered up with the fact that it sprung from the mind of an honest-to-God celebrity.
Intentionally or accidentally, Baldwin has braided together what young Americans seem to crave most today: fame, cool and answers. Answers to the questions of who will look out for them, who will love them, who will tell them how to live. Answers from a man who called himself the son of God, and another one who calls himself Stevie B.
…and calls everyone “dude”, and uses the word “gnarly” non-ironically.
Jebus, but we are in trouble. When someone with as little charisma and intelligence as Stephen Baldwin can be popular and draw in thousands of kids for right-wing fundamentalism, that tells us that the bar is set very, very low. And when we then note that no one on the evolution side can rise to that level…well. This is bad news.
We need a scientist who is willing to snort cocaine for a couple of years, sleep willy-nilly with models and any half-naked starlet with no taste, and bash himself repeatedly over the head with blunt objects until his IQ descends to perilously low Stephen Baldwin levels, all so that we can enrapture the precious skateboarding teenager bloc. Any volunteers?
(Paulie Z? Oooh. <shudder>. I just don’t think I’m brave enough to sink that low. I fear we also need someone younger, with the stamina to cope with the kind of abuse and degradation needed for this job.)
But… I love my brain!
I couldn’t disguise myself as “cool” anyhow.
Ugh — I didn’t really know who this guy was until this post, but I did like that character in The Usual Suspects. Now that I know it’s played by a dudespeak Jesus-freak, the whole movie’s
Heh, if Kirk Cameron couldn’t win them over I doubt Baldwin could.
According to a quote from his IMDb page:
“You would do far more good if you just preached the gospel of Jesus rather than trying to get rid of Third World debt relief.” – On Bono’s crusade against poverty in Africa.
Wasn’t it one of the Baldwins that narrated that “Walking With Cavemen” thing on the discovery channel (which certainly had its share of problems, but was decidedly pro-human-evolution.)
Up until that bit about head-bashing, I would have volunteered for the job. (Dr. Strangelove voice) “It is a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. . . .”
I’ll do it! Ow! Ow! Damn, I can still do integrals! Ow! Nuts, I can still do long division! There goes my…wha…? I cn ifp ijfi … garg…
I should have said to do the models, the cocaine, and the skull-bashing in that order.
It’s hacks like Baldwin that make me proud to be an elitist.
Uh … wait, that’s redundant, isn’t it?
Oh well.
Did you mean Paulie Shore? He came to my high school’s prom twice, for no reason. No one really paid attention to him, so he left.
Is this Stephen Baldwin one of the Baldwin Brothers? I hope not.
(looks at the link) Oh god. It is. At least he’s not related to Adam Baldwin, the inestimable Jayne of Firefly.
What about Kary Mullis? Doesn’t he surf?
You know, I was actually thinking Kary Mullis might be able to fill the role, except that he’s already an HIV-denier, and he might have overdone the drugs-and-sex thing to the point where he’s an evo-denier, too. This is the problem: you’ve got to blitz yourself stupid enough to appeal to the same people that like Stephen Baldwin, but not so stupid that you turn into a creationist.
It’s tricky.
Has anybody asked Scarlett Johanson what her views on evolutuion are?
I would like to take issue with Stephen Baldwin being described as being Dumb as a Fricking Lizard. Having read the articles about his gnarly “sakateboarding for Jesus” evenings and his extensive theological knowledge (the seven deadly sins, the ten commandments and the 12 disciples probably adds up to more than he can comfortably count!) I would suggest dumb as toast would be a more accurate description of the aforementioned Mr. Baldwin. Indeed any other organic lifeform still respiring would probably have little difficulty besting Mr. Balswin in an IQ test”. I look forward to the headline “Cabbage beats Christian!”
Or even, duh (too much skateboarding, too few helmets), “evolution.”
Just one problem with that approach. If that scientist lowered his IQ to Stephen Baldwin levels, he’d almost certainly become a creationist. Indeed, it’s more than tricky to lower one’s IQ to that level and still retain a modicum of scientific reasoning. It’s probably impossible.
Oh. I liked his McManus character in Usual Suspect, though. What a shame some actors feel the need to open their mouth while not shooting…
In which bizarre alternate universe is Stephen Baldwin either “famous” or “cool”?
isn’t lonelygirl15 available now?
Naked starlets and models?
Whoweee…I think PZ is jealous.
Yeah, just what I was thinking. But let’s be fair: If you were a second-string actor with no prospects of a career outside the fine print section of the cast of characters, wouldn’t you grab an opportunity for fame and success? Stephen was just looking for his niche, and now he’s found it.
I hope he spends all of his time praying.
I nominate Alec Baldwin; not only is he decidedly liberal (and likely pro-reality), he’s also an older brother who could very likely still give his sibling a wedgie in public and get away with it. THAT’s a Larry King panel I’d watch.
It seems to me like the built-in audience for Xtianity is typically about those who are about five to ten years behind the times with regards to the zeitgeist. So while I think the surfer slang might finally be losing its power, I think we’re going to need to don trucker hats and play the rap-metal in order to wow ’em.
Yeah – it was Alec.
The stereotyping of:
1) teenagers,
2) skateboarders, and
3) people who unironically use the word “gnarly”
is unnecessary.
I thought only Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles used the word “gnarly”. I must be behind the times.
Radical! Tubular! Cowabunga!
“Gnarly” is still used unironically by surfers, more often as an adjective than as an interjection. One example:
http://www.mattwarshaw.com/books/mavericks/index.php
Non-surfers might not understand.
So it’s a technical term, then.
He’s so unhip, when you say “Baldwin,”. he think’s you’re talking about James Baldwin, whoever he was.
“The stereotyping of:
1) teenagers,
2) skateboarders, and
3) people who unironically use the word “gnarly”
is unnecessary.”
I agree. Skaters are generally intelligent and secular people. I know many an ex-skater, and most have advanced degrees and/or run their own successful businesses. As a point of interest, Jason Lee, the actor on My Names is Earl” was once a professional skateboarder.
(Paulie Z? Oooh.. I just don’t think I’m brave enough to sink that low. I fear we also need someone younger, with the stamina to cope with the kind of abuse and degradation needed for this job.)
You couldn’t pass for cool anyway. We have the pictures.
Jason Lee’s also a scientologist…
In truth, I think Zeno is right. This is an inevitable stage in every no-talent hack’s life; anybody who’s sat through an episode of “VH1: Behind the Music” is all-to-familiar with this tired story. This well-trod career path is the destiny of celebrities of limited talent and inferior character. “Look kids… I behaved like a total shit until nobody could stand me. Even my made-for-TV movie roles started to dry up. But now, I’m a neurotic, mewling little bitch (with liver problems) who loves Jesus… Isn’t that just gnarly and hip and stupid and poppin’ fresh, kids?” Ugh.
True artists, like Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson, can continue snorting lines of Peruvian marching powder off of hookers’ asses well into their “Autum years” with their dignity intact. That, my friends, is the mark of greatness, and I salute them. If memory serves, I think there’s a Rudyard Kipling poem that says something to that effect…
Jason Lee also started a skateboarding-related business.
I’m amazed that no one sicced the “I sleep good because…” comment.
I notice his book is written “with Mark Tabb” which suggests that “Stephen” (is that his real name?) didn’t write a word of it.
Mr. Tabb has written a lot of books:
http://www.marktabb.com/
99% of Hollywood actors are too stupid or lazy or self-important to write their own books.
And Stephen Baldwin can?
Those muttonchops outcool Stephen Baldwin any day of the week.
Sarcasm far aside (oh, so far aside in this case), PZ has a point – where are the pro-science, pro-rationality personalities? Where are the celebreties that connect with people? Jokes aside, we need some way to connect with people to let them know science, reason, and actual thinking are cool.
The fact that this is NEEDED is dismally sad.
The problem is that the hipsters/skaters/etc who are secular tend not to care about religious bug-a-boo. They’d rather just promote whatever hobby they’re into rather than promote science or agnositic/atheist beleifs.
What we need to do is make blasphamy cool again.
Off top of head, people like Henry Rollins, Bill Maher, Howard Stern, Bill Hicks (OK that’s an old one), Sarah Silverman, etc, are “cool” public figures who have advocated science/rationality over faith/religion.
I’m sure other other folks can add names to that list.
We need another Frank Zappa.
I sleep good at night. Real good.
Baldwin preaches that free will is a lie of Satan — we must shut off our brains, he says, and be led by what God tells our hearts. Furthermore, he writes, efforts to end global poverty and violence are just the sort of “stupid arrogance” that incur God’s wrath, which we’ll be feeling any day now in the coming apocalypse.
Seriously, how could you even parody that? How could you say something more stupid than that in jest? That comment is the bottom of the barrel.
Yep, any day now.
Hey, when I was a teenager I was into skateboarding (and other “extreme sports”; I still surf and mountain bike), and I probably said “gnarly” once or twice. Those things don’t automatically make one a Steven Baldwin-level moron.
The coke and the head bashing, maybe. I never tried those. I never tried the starlet thing, either, but if it’s for science…
Oh come now! I expect better than that of you!
“Indeed any other organic lifeform still respiring would probably have little difficulty besting Mr. Balswin in an IQ test”
Here here! Seconded and…? CARRIED
Dumb as a lizard?
TOTAL insult to lizards. This house finds Stephen Baldwin *twice* as dumb as toast- a term previously explicitly reserved for teenagers referring to their parents.
Lizards can walk on water, clone themselves, posion large prey in single bites, *regenerate*… they at least as miraculous as Jebus.
Also, at least as smart and cute as the giant killer squids you seem to favor.
Anyway, as to the real topic at hand- I think young scientists get enough abuse and degradation during the grad student phase, thankyouverymuch. Although maybe cocaine would actually help…
“Sarcasm far aside (oh, so far aside in this case), PZ has a point – where are the pro-science, pro-rationality personalities? Where are the celebreties that connect with people? Jokes aside, we need some way to connect with people to let them know science, reason, and actual thinking are cool.”
Ahem…see Hugh Laurie aka House for precisely this kind of view.
Coincidentally enough, I just ran across this Scarlett Johanson gossip piece this evening, and I’m now even more semi-serious about the possibilities for her as an evolution celebrity endorser than ever. She sounds refreshingly non-conformist and sensible about our animal “origins,” kinda sorta, in this piece:
http://www.comcast.net/entertainment/index.jsp?cat=ENTERTAINMENT&fn=/2006/10/09/495256.html&cvqh=itn_johansson.
You may need to cut and past the link into your browser…
Stephen Baldwin is just like Paul in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23:
Okay – now – did anyone else catch that he has served as a “cultural advisor to President Bush?” Were we not frightened before? Well, now we should be afraid, we should be very afraid.
In my old hometown (Nyack, NY – woot!) Stephen started this little crusade at one point against a porn store where he actually said that he was going to sit outside in his car and take pictures of people coming out. Now the standard refrain would be “You don’t have anything better to do?” In this case it would be “You’re a freaking movie star! (or, um, well, almost one) You don’t have anything better to do??!!” I think that there was a distinct lack of outrage in Nyack over that porn store. Especially since you could just drive a few miles down Rt 59 to Spring Valley (this weird ghetto/orthodox Jew-mixed area) where there are thousands of porn stores.
A little background on Nyack – it has (had) an openly gay mayor and was one of two places in NY to try to perform gay marriages. Not the place you’d picture Stephen the fundamentalist living.
In my old hometown (Nyack, NY – woot!) Stephen started this little crusade at one point against a porn store where he actually said that he was going to sit outside in his car and take pictures of people coming out. Now the standard refrain would be “You don’t have anything better to do?” In this case it would be “You’re a freaking movie star! (or, um, well, almost one) You don’t have anything better to do??!!”
A little background on Nyack – it has (had) an openly gay mayor and was one of two places in NY to try to perform gay marriages. Not the place you’d picture Stephen the fundamentalist living.
Well, he’s no spring chicken, but I loved Sir Ian McKellen dismissing the Bible as fiction during the press junket for The Da Vinci Code.
Stephen Erickson, I love Bill Hicks’s bit on “Dinosaurs in the Bible”:
Well, if the quotes are accurate, then Stephen Baldwin is the biggest freakin’ moron I’ve ever run across since the girl I dated over 20 years ago who believed so totally in predestination, it was a wonder she could think at all. Hey, I know what you’re thinking, but she was a CS student and I didn’t think they could be so silly. I found otherwise, more than once.
Here is some video of Stephen on the Joe Scarborough Show
http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/10/born_again_idio.html
“We need a scientist who is willing to snort cocaine for a couple of years, sleep willy-nilly with models and any half-naked starlet with no taste, and bash himself repeatedly over the head with blunt objects until his IQ descends to perilously low Stephen Baldwin levels, all so that we can enrapture the precious skateboarding teenager bloc. Any volunteers?”
Can’t say I’m really a scientist, or anything close to it (I went to art school, but did take Biology 101), but I’m willing to take that bullet for the team. I’ll get through to those kids even if I have to sleep with every last model and half-naked starlet on the planet!
“We need a scientist who is willing to snort cocaine for a couple of years, sleep willy-nilly with models and any half-naked starlet with no taste, and bash himself repeatedly over the head with blunt objects…”
It kinda sounds like these activitoes [sic] are being protrayed [sic] as badd [sic] things to do? I don’t quite grok [non-sic] this. I favor ALL of these activities, if undertaken with an open, honest heart and a certain wry, yet entirely scientific, attitude.
I may here quote Flipper: “You wouldn’t understand, anyway….”
Wait a minute – Steve B? Don’t tell me Stephen Baldwin is actually Bevets of Fark.com fame?!?!
I work in radio in Dallas and will have an opportunity to interview Stephen Baldwin in a few days. I’ll get back to you.
The issue is, who Christ is – not who the latest cool spokesperson is. BTW, the “coolest” people have never been Christians. Maybe Stephen can reverse the trend.
So then Stephen Baldwin ISN’T gay???
Except, of course, in the Byzantine Empire, where it was not only fashionable to convert to Christianity but virtually necessary for political or social advancement. And in all of the places after it where Christianity held entire populations.
gees, why do you think the writers for South Park chose to bomb the Baldwin residence in the movie?
“Except, of course, in the Byzantine Empire, where it was not only fashionable to convert to Christianity but virtually necessary for political or social advancement. And in all of the places after it where Christianity held entire populations.”
KH> Well, fashionable perhaps. But I don’t think “cool” as we know evolved until the 40’s and 50’s. I could comment on the spread of politicized perversions of Christianity and how that could have facilitated genuine Christianity but that wouldn’t be “cool”.
BTW, the No True Scottsman Fallacy is not a fallacy.
Merry Roctktobersurprisefest, y’all!
Dude, where is Stephen Baldwin’s brain?
As noted above, rehab-religion has become the first refuge of the scoundrel whose career is on the skids. Damn St. Stephen for not giving us a radical mug shot like that Nick Nolte dude before accepting Geezus. Maybe, I’m too rash in that assessment. A Nick Nolte mug shot could be SB’s future after he “back slides.”
Stephen is the LaToya of the Baldwin clan.
BTW, the No True Scottsman Fallacy is not a fallacy.
Isn’t this the no-“No True Scotsman Fallacy”-fallacy?
“Ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.”
– James Baldwin
Does two out of three count?
When someone with as little charisma and intelligence as Stephen Baldwin can be popular and draw in thousands of kids for right-wing fundamentalism, that tells us that the bar is set very, very low.
But he was so cool in The Usual Suspects!
He’s so unhip, when you say “Baldwin,”. he think’s you’re talking about James Baldwin, whoever he was.
But it’s alright, ma, everybody must get stoned!
“Cool” only evolved in the ’40s and ’50s.
Um, I think someone needs to look into the history of jazz, blues, marijuana, Humphrey Bogart…
One could go on and on, but one is rendered speechless by the lack of cool-hipness displayed.
The temporary band-aid until we can get scientists to do this: Network TV needs to pick up Mythbusters. And Bill Nye the Science Guy for the younger kids. I loved Bill Nye.
“Stevie B”? Is that anything like Ali G? :p
This is going to end badly, with either a sex scandal or Baldwin disciples multiple shooting / suicide.
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Do you need real scientific credentials? Because if not, I’m game.
Can we get back to the Scarlett Johanson idea? I’m really, really interested in pursuing that lead.