[CONTENT NOTE: racism, white supremacy, domestic violence.]
Death to Squirrels
by Iris Vander Pluym
[CONTENT NOTE: racism, white supremacy, domestic violence.]
People, I just don’t know what it will take to get through to the world’s citizens about the extinction-level threat posed by the Sciuridae menace. You would think it would be enough that they’re relentlessly attacking our critical infrastructure, infecting us with the fucking plague and stealing our beer. Now, as part of their escalating terror campaign, they’re jumping on, biting and scratching hapless senior citizens. [Read more…]
O positive is all my victim I had on hand.
Blood Velvet Cupcakes.
Gotta run – my kitchen looks like I stabbed someone to death in it. For real.
Happy Halloween, you hellbound heathens.
People, I just don’t know what to make of this. Normally, my food conforms to certain standards of behavior. I insist on this, in fact. But this little fucker appeared in the middle of my appetizer, trying to pass itself off as just another delicious fried calamari. Well. I am not having any of that.
There is quite clearly something on my plate that is hiding in a fried calamari costume. I realize this is the Halloween season and all, but this is not okay. Its resemblance to a space suit is hardly lost on my keen eyes, but of course the possibility of squirrel fuckery is never far from my thoughts either.
Wait… are squirrels from space? Are the cephalopods in cahoots with them?
OMFG.
Obviously what’s called for here is some serious, thoughtful skepticism. And another martini. And some cocktail sauce.
Halloween 2016 is right around the corner. Are you stuck for a great scary costume idea this year? Iris is here to help!
[CONTENT NOTE: As readers know, I typically write non-fiction. But lately I’ve found an interesting space to inhabit that bridges the real world with an imagined one. And…well, this is my first short story, ever. Many thanks to Cyber Squirrel 1 for the interview on which it is based, to Marcus for connecting us, and to My Amazing Lover™ for critical feedback and boundless encouragement. ♥]
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WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Cyber Squirrel 1.
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Precisely at noon, a gray van slowed to a crawl on Bedford Street before stopping abruptly at Barrow. The panel door slid open and I climbed inside. Before I could find sure footing, the vehicle sped away toward Christopher Street, knocking me first to my knees and then down on my side.
The darkness was instant and total; the air felt close and thick. I would not see daylight again until the sun rose the next morning, and by then I would have wondered at least a thousand times whether I would live to see another day. But I ain’t gonna lie to you. At that moment I was abuzz with adrenaline, euphoric even, as the van lurched forward and I contemplated the hours ahead. For this was a mission like no other: Your Humble Correspondent™ had been granted an interview with Cyber Squirrel 1, Chief Minister of Information and Propaganda of the squirrel army. And I was headed straight to the enemy command center.
My friend Niki Massey died today.
Readers may know her; I have written of her here, several times.
I fucking LOVED her. And I know I made her smile, at least once in a while. I know that because she told me. And I am so very grateful for that in this moment.
Niki was a fucking badass. An original, one-of-a-kind, force of nature. A Social Justice Warrior of the fiercest, finest kind (she preferred “Social Justice Daemon.” Hahaha.)
Niki taught me many things: to be a better writer, a better activist, a better friend, a better human being.
I am devastated beyond words.
REST IN POWER, my friend. This world is a better place for having you in it, however briefly.
♥
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Smash the status quo with original designs by Iris Vander Pluym.
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This is your semi-regular reminder that the work I do here—and yes, it is work—is not without its costs, timewise and otherwise. If you buy my exclusive merch, I get a (small) cut: WIN-WIN.
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Do your part to shake the sheeple from their stupor and break the hypnotic spell of the enemy rodents by drinking from these striking mugs—BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
#squirrelpocalypse
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Everything tastes better when conservatives are crying.
That is just a fact, people.
Sipping from this nifty mug will soothe your rabid rage at right-wing blowhards and repel conservatives from your general vicinity.
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These squirrel skull mugs are fucking badass and you should GET YOURS TODAY.
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WHAT?! You mean aren’t in the market for a mug? WTF. Well, then I guess you can shop for other exclusive items here.
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Or you could, you know, just pay me money:
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All proceeds to fund smashing the status quo, subverting the patriarchy, dismantling white supremacy, waging war on warmongers, obliterating the oligarchy, sustaining struggling friends, monitoring the squirrel menace, mocking conservatives and/or cat food.
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I recognize that many people do not have the bucks to spare, and in any event no one should feel obligated to contribute to my cat food fund. Particularly when they’re thisclose to eating cat food themselves.
Thank you for all of your support.
I especially love the part where the enemy rodent tries to gnaw the eyes out of the fucking head. And terrorizes a cat that is easily ten times its size—twice.
See, this is the kind of slick PR campaign the squirrels are running with the eager assistance of their human slaves 27/7/365. Shit like this shows up in my feeds on the regular, with little smileys and winkies and hearts and quips like “This may be the cutest thing you see all day!”
Sure. If I thought spreading the Black Plague to innocent stuffed animals was “cute.”
#wakeupsheeple #deathtosquirrels
[h/t Simon]