A long time ago I was hunting for a word and while “conformity” had occurred to me, it didn’t feel quite accurate.  I don’t know if Pierce Butler’s persuasion in the comments percolated these million years or if a different aeon’s perspective was responsible, but I do think it’s the word now.

When we talk about the different flavors of oppression such as misogyny, transphobia, etc, there are a few ways to describe them: like white supremacy, in terms of what you want to promote; like racism, in terms of the category by which you are discriminating; or like anti-blackness/misogynoir/etc, in terms of the specific target of oppression.  Conformity is the first one – a description of what you want to promote, the implied target of the oppression being nonconformists.

I don’t have anything deep to say about it tonight, but I’m just feeling it, turning it over in my head.  I’ve seen a group of nice people, mostly women, having a genial social gathering, and realized they were relentlessly conformist about it.  I realized this was practiced.  One of the ways AFAB people are oppressed under patriarchy is being told that they are only acceptable if they behave in certain ways – a stronger expectation of conformity than is heaped on the AMAB (not that anyone is exempt, of course).

This leads to constant seeking of reinforcement that whatever you’re doing is acceptable, normal, or valid.  Validation, I guess.  I see this as a key component of what I call “amirite ladies” culture.  “We all think the same thing about this issue, right?”  “Oh yeah, sure.”  Girl who isn’t quite on that page in the corner: “I mean I dunno, is it OK I maybe don’t, if it’s not too much, i’m sorry, I’ll go away if you want me too!”  Generous conformists in that moment:  “It’s OK because we agree in this other way, you are valid.” …and everyone gets along.

It’s not a terrible way of being, but it does cause people who are further outside of the clique to self-select their own exclusion.  Like everyone is fanning out about Stranger Things or Space Shooters, and the person who never understood fan culture sighs and stands in the shadows, hands in their pockets.  Go kick rocks, weirdo.

I’m coming to understand a good sign someone may be a high-functioning person on the autism spectrum is that constant feeling of being excluded or alienated from the people around you.  I can’t say I’m at all educated on the subject, but it keeps coming up in random discourse and personal anecdotes I’m seeing.

Anyhow, nonmutual types, especially (but not exclusively) those who were smashed with the AFAB hammer and feel eternally invalidated:  Props.

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