So I’m re-writing West Side Story*, the note-perfect retelling of Romeo and Juliet, transposed to New York City’s gang culture. This new version will, of course, feature the Liberal atheist boy who falls in love with the daughter (or not–depending on who we cast, I’m not ruling out the possibility of glbtq themes) of the local Tea Party leader…
Some of the songs are re-purposed, of course (Sharia…. I’m building a Christian Sharia…), and others are simply amplified (Gee, Officer Krupke, we’re very upset; we video’d your beating and it’s up on the ‘net…). Today, though, I bastardize the song I consider to be the best use of 6/8 time in all of music. Be warned–the lines may be sung by a number of different players, sometimes earnestly and sometimes ironically. So if a line doesn’t make sense, it’s your fault, not mine, and the staging and choreography will make it all clear by opening night.
In this scene, the tea party loyalists are on a rooftop at a backyard barbecue, with both old-school conservatives and tea-party conservatives, lots of American flags, crosses, bibles, and handguns.
(Tune: “America”)
Party of Tea in America
OK by me in America
I will be free in America
Don’t tread on me in America
I am investing in handguns
Pity the fool who don’t have one
Second amendment solutions
Conservative revolutions
Socialist state in America
Liberal hate in America
No more debate in America
Terrible fate in America
Liberals want all my money
Media just think it’s funny
Don’t want to vote for Obama
Good thing George Bush got Osama
If you get sick in America
Fix you up quick in America
Paperwork thick in America
Politics slick in America
Big corporations have free speech
Nobody poor people can reach
Super-PAC money in hiding
With the Supreme Court deciding
Party of God in America
Just a façade in America
Voting booth fraud in America
Not a bit odd in America
No better fun than to lobby—
You need to get a new hobby!
I am in love with this nation—
You must be a corporation!
*no, I’m not.
You might like mine…
Gonorrhea
(sung to the tune of: “Maria” from ‘West Side Story’)
Gonorrhea, I think that I’ve got gonorrhea
I doubted it at first, but now it really hurts to pee
Gonorrhea, I might really have gonorrhea.
The girl I love the most
I think gave me a dose, you see.
Gonorrhea, sing it loud and it sounds so thrilling,
Call the doctor, you’ll need penicillin.
Gonorrhea, I think that I’ve got gonorrhea.
Gonorrhea, I really must have gonorrhea
I used to be a stud, but now I’m just a dud, oh gee.
Gonorrhea, I must really have gonorrhea,
The girls I used to date
Are all starting to just hate me.
Gonorrhea, how on earth can I go on living?
Gonorrhea, the gift that keeps giving.
Gonorrhea, I really must have gonorrhea.
Gonorrhea, I know now I’ve got gonorrhea.
I’m still a healthy chap, but now I’ve got the clap: V.D.
Gonorrhea, the diagnosis: gonorrhea.
The doctor is my friend, but he’ll get me in the end, you’ll see.
Gonorrhea, this has all been extreme frustration,
From now on I’ll just use masturbation.
Gonorrhea, please never again gonorrhea.
Okay… I’ve been rehearsing for two different plays all day, and my head is full of other people’s words. (Including Bill’s.)
I’m going to need the night to clear my head.
But this is on. Oh yes. It’s on. Not off. On.
“*no, I’m not.”
DAMN! I was actually looking forward to seeing it produced!!