Park District robot deactivated after arguing with Mayor Claar over his Rum and Coke (Fiction)

Picture of a robot.A demonstration of a Bolingbrook Park District’s robot prototype ended in disaster after it sprayed Mayor Roger Claar with a CO2 fire extinguisher.

Eyewitness say Claar was unharmed, but “very upset,” after the attack.  The robot has since been shut down, pending reprogramming.

“Only Roger’s pride was hurt,” said one eyewitness.  “But you really don’t want to hurt Roger’s pride.”

The eyewitnesses say the incident occurred during a secret demonstration of the prototype robot.  The eyewitnesses said the commissioners claimed the robot would save thousands of dollars in labor costs alone.

“They can work 24 hours without being paid overtime,” said Park District president Jerry Hix.  “They won’t join unions, and they won’t waste our time with contract negotiations. Our human employees still won’t take no for an answer.  Anyway, thanks to advances in artificial intelligence, we can now say the future of our park district is automated.”

The robot first demonstrated simple cleaning tasks.  Hix then turned on the “rules enforcement mode.”  An employee pretended to fish at Hidden Lakes Trout Farm.  The robot walked up to the employee.  “You are fishing outside of the legal period.  Return the captured fish now.  I am authorized to use all means necessary to make you comply.”  The employee returned the fish.  “Thank you for following the rules of the Bolingbrook Park District.  Did you know that Bolingbrook was named one of the best places to live in America in 2014?”

After the demonstration, eyewitnesses say Claar walked up to the robot, holding a glass of cola.

“I’m impressed,” said Claar.

“Alcohol detected in your glass,” the robot replied.  “Alcohol is not permitted in this Park District facility.”

Claar laughed.  “It’s just a coke.”

“Cola and alcohol detected in your glass,” replied the robot.  “Alcohol is not permitted in this Park District facility.  Did you know that the Bolingbrook Park District was founded in 1970?”

“Yes,” snapped Claar.  “Because I am the mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“Did you know that Mayor Claar has held the office since 1986?”

“Of course!”

“Then you know that Mayor Claar is the source of all rules in Bolingbrook.  Alcohol is prohibited in this building.  To defy this rule is to defy the mayor.”

Claar laughed.  “You’ll only get this drink off me when you remove it from my cold hand.”

“Chilling your hand is easy to achieve.”

The robot then sprayed Claar’s hand with a fire extinguisher.  Claar dropped the glass and stepped away.  Eyewitnesses say Claar cursed for several seconds and then ordered the robot shut down.

Anonymous sources within the Park District confirmed the incident. They said the robot would remain shut down until it is programmed to recognize Mayor Claar and to grant him a “mayoral exception” to the rules.

The same sources say they hope to deploy the first robots in 2019.

Claar and the Park District representatives refused to comment for this article.

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland ghosts plan mass haunting to protest gun violence
Werecoyote moves to Bolingbrook
Naperville: You cannot pour beer directly from the tap to your mouth!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/22/18

Web exclusive: Producer vows to bring ‘The Bob Jaskiewicz Show’ to BCTV (Fiction)

Will controversial Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz have a show on Bolingbrook Community Television?  One BCTV producer is working to make it a reality.

“For too long, BCTV has broadcast shows that are either propaganda for (Mayor Roger Claar), inoffensive recordings of community events, cover band performances, overly religious programs, or unwatchable government meetings,” said Timothy Z. Deeth.  “For once, I want BCTV to broadcast a show that Roger will hate, and I will make it happen!”

Deeth said he secretly recorded a pilot of the show using impersonators to portray Jaskiewicz and members of the Bolingbrook United party.  “I figured it would make a better impression if I showed Bob a video first, rather than talk about the show.”

In one excerpt from the pilot, a Jaskiewicz impersonator introduces a segment:

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Now it’s time for Trash Talk, when I talk about Bolingbrook’s garbage collection policies.  Roger implies that only liberals support using trash bins, but my next guest disagrees.  He’s a resident of Naperville, and he thinks trash bins are great.

Deeth said the show would give Jaskiewicz an opportunity to promote community service groups that Claar “either ignores or dislikes.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Hey!  Look who just walked into the studio.  It’s local Girl Scout leader Jaime Olson!

Olson Impersonator:  (Walks into view of the camera.)  Hi Bob.  My troop and I are donating office supplies to Power Connection!  They serve the Bolingbrook community by running a food pantry, thrift store, and by offering vocational training classes.  Bolingbrook should be proud to be the home of an organization like Power Connection!

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: We should be.  You know, Roger rarely talks about Power Connection.

Olson Impersonator: This is the same mayor who opposed a Salvation Army Store in Bolingbrook.  I think he doesn’t believe there are poor people in Bolingbrook.  We know better, and that’s why I’m proud to help out Power Connection.

Deeth also said the show could do more than provide interviews and lectures.  “We can have musical guests and skits.  We even included an example in the pilot.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: Wow, look who just walked into the studio.  It’s Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere!

Traynere Impersonator:  Hi.  I just happened to be in the neighborhood with Allied Forces, the number one Triumph cover band in Chicagoland, and we decided to stop by.  Bob, you are the citizens’ trustee.  You represent the rest of Bolingbrook at board meetings, not the special interests who fund the Bolingbrook First party.  That’s why the mayor and the other trustees are always attacking you.  I know it’s hard, and their harassment can make you feel like giving up.  So I wanted to give you some inspiration.  Hit it guys!

Band plays “Fight the Good Fight.”

Deeth says he hopes to show the pilot show to Jaskiewicz in the next few weeks.  He’s optimistic that Jaskiewicz will agree to let him produce the show.  “The resistance is finally coming to BCTV!  I can’t wait.”

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz said he would not comment until he saw Deeth’s presentation.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.  “I doubt he’ll allow such a show on BCTV, and you know he always gets his way in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, this is the statement we’re going to post on the Bolingbrook First page about Bob’s vicious attack against the village staff.”

“Interesting,” said Charlene.  “I saw the January 23 meeting, and I don’t recall Bob accusing the staff of deliberately leaving him out of the community directory.”

“He said he ‘didn’t know if it was a clerical error or what.’ ‘Or what,’ includes deliberately leaving him out the directory. Therefore we can say he implied the village staff deliberately left him out of the directory. They didn’t, so it’s vicious attack.”

“Oooh!  I like your reasoning!  There is a problem though.  Posting this will give the impression that your trustees didn’t know about the error until after Bob mentioned it.  Their silence during that meeting also implies they were too intimidated by Bob to defend the village staff.  Some people might conclude that your trustees are weak.”

“Why would I want strong trustees?”

“Good point.”

Clow UFO Base withstands snowstorm (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base praised their ability to remain operational, despite getting nearly a foot of snow over the weekend.

“The Chicagoland airports canceled fights, but our unofficial motto is ‘we never close!’” said one official. “OK, we did cancel an ice cream social, but we’re a UFO Base, not an ice cream parlor!”

Xopolx, a resident of the Trappist system, praised the staff of Clow UFO Base for how they handled the storm: “We were nice and warm. There were no supply shortages, and I was able to conduct my business here without any issues. Oh, I’m also supposed to say thanks to Mayor Roger Claar, but I don’t know why. Silly human rules I guess.”

No flights were canceled, though some aliens reported difficulties landing at Clow. Oglock, a resident of the Kapteyn system, said his crew missed the landing pad entirely: “When we were approaching Earth, our sensors detected a car flying through space. We thought our sensors were faulty, so we turned them off. Now we know it was that Tesla car a billionaire launched into orbit. Anyway, we attempted a visual approach to Bolingbrook. We saw an area with paved streets, and we thought that was a landing spot. It turns out it was the mayor’s subdivision. When Roger approached our ship, we thought we were going to get the royal treatment. Instead, he swore at us and told us to get off his lawn. At least he gave us directions to Clow after threatening to blow up our ship.”

Some aliens were amused at the way Bolingbrook’s residents handled the storm: “I loved sitting in the cloaked observation tower watching all the cars spin out on Weber and Boughton roads,” said Gopol, a resident of Pluto. “Our winters last for centuries, our atmosphere freezes, and our planet turns into a ball of ice. Yes, I said planet. Deal with it.”

Some aliens tried to help out Bolingbrook residents. Keloko, who did not identify her planet of origin, said she tried to clear off some streets with a heat ray: “The men in blue stopped me and said I was breaking the rules. I told them I was trying to help, and the men said the plows would take care of the street. When I asked where were they, the men said they had to handle the important streets first. I think all streets matter, but whatever.”

Keloko said she was allowed to deliver supplies to residents who were stuck at home: “One said I was an angel and asked how she could repay me. I said she should go to the Bolingbrook United fundraiser on February 13 and support a party that would try to keep all the streets clear. She said if that’s what God wanted her to do, then she would do it. I guess human superstitions can be useful.”

In an email to the Babbler, Claar wrote, “Snow will be removed when it is removed like it has been since I’ve been in charge. There is no reason to change. Now is the time to unite behind the Bolingbrook First Party and me. It is easy to whine. It takes effort to make wine!”

Illinois gubernatorial candidate Chris Kennedy vows to shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chris Kennedy, a Democratic candidate for governor, promised to shut down Clow UFO Base if elected.

“Space aliens have no business in Illinois,” said Kennedy, during a surprise appearance in front of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport.  “They kidnap the underprivileged, drive up home prices, and fund corrupt candidates like J.B. Pritzker.  Closing Clow UFO Base will send a message to the Deep State that we will not let you run our state.  I love that Governor Bruce Rauner is speaking out against pro-UFO politicians like Michael Madigan and Rahm Emanuel.”

Kennedy also said that the only Republican he didn’t like was Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “He says Bolingbrook is growing, but how many residents are really humans?  Roger Claar is part of a deliberate effort to alienate Illinois!”

Kennedy spoke in front of Clow for 10 minutes before security asked him to leave.

“My campaign may be broke,” said Kennedy, as he was escorted off airport property.  “I may not have the support of the media, but I have the truth, and that will lead me to victory!”

An anonymous member of the Kennedy campaign said the Clow event was an attempt to energize the campaign.  “We scored a big hit when we accused Rahm of trying to drive out people of color from Chicago.  We wanted to do something similar to shore up the white vote, but we had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend our progressive allies.  We thought getting rid of space aliens was the way to go.  Plus, we might even get some votes from Alex Jones’ fans.”

Pritzker did not address the content of Kennedy’s speech but did praise Bolingbrook: “I loved canvassing in Bolingbrook.  There are some great people there.  I didn’t see any UFOs in Bolingbrook, but I did get an endorsement from Jackie Traynere.

A spokesperson for the Daniel Biss campaign also didn’t comment directly on the speech, saying: “We hope that Illinoisans will support our down to earth campaign.”

The receptionist at Claar’s office denied the event happened.  “There is no UFO Base on the grounds of Clow Airport.  Just between you and me, I heard that your articles bring tourists into Bolingbrook.  That’s why Roger puts up with your paper.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Bob, you’ve been complaining about how I haven’t told residents about our new trash fee.  So here’s a letter I’m going to send to every homeowner.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “You’re naming the fee after me?”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Also in the Babbler:

No zombies at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
Claar: Village, not state, should regulate local mind-control cells
Bolingbrook man charged with assaulting alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/18

Bolingbrook’s ‘unofficial’ political parties respond to the 2018 State of the Village address (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar delivered the 2018 State of the Village address last week.  As in the past, we have asked Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond.  The official opposition party, Bolingbrook United, sent us their response.  Below are the replies we received from Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties: The Roger Claar Party, The Chicagoland Party, The Art Bell Party, and the Bolingbrook Pride Party.

The Roger Claar Party

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Claar.

Wow!  What a great speech!  I’m still in tears.  We’ve grown so much, and become so successful as a village.  We have Mayor Roger Claar to thank for making Bolingbrook the best community in the world!  Personally, I think we’re so successful that Money Magazine secretly decided to retire us from their listings to give other places a chance to be listed.

…But imagine how much greater Roger could be if he weren’t shackled by the Me First Roger Second party?  They say they support Roger, but do they?  Why aren’t they physically throwing themselves in front of a certain trustee to prevent him from entering Village Hall?  Why aren’t they investigating anyone with ties to Cook County? What is their real agenda?

Our real agenda is clear.  We want to help Roger take Bolingbrook to the next level.  We want this term to be so successful, that he’ll decide to run for reelection.  We want the world to see what can happen when a political party lets Roger be Roger.

Will you help us?

The Chicagoland Party

“Stop dividing us.”

When you look down at the Chicago area from space, you don’t Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago.  You see one large community.

Unfortunately, the situation on the ground is much different.  Chicagoland is needlessly divided by artificial political lines.  We send our teenagers to compete in sports competitions against each other.  We say people within one imaginary boundary are better than another.

We are not Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago or any other name.  We are Chicagoland, and for the good of our community, we need to stop dividing ourselves.

Roger brags about Bolingbrook, but the truth is our success is the result of being part of Chicagoland.  There is no wall separating us from the rest of Chicagoland.  Corporations move here because they want to be a part of Chicagoland.  How many people live here, but work in the surrounding communities?

It’s time for a bold leadership that will do away with suburbs, including Bolingbrook.  It’s time for us to embrace the fact that we are all residents of Chicagoland.

The Art Bell Party

“Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies.”

How can Mayor Roger Claar talk about Bolingbrook and not mention the recent sightings of Mothman?  Whenever Mothman appears, something grave happens.  What is Bolingbrook doing to protect its residents from the coming doom?  Anything?

We could be facing certain doom, and all Roger cares about are business licenses and corporate headquarters! Roger, you need to drop everything and reach out to Mothman.  It could be the difference between life and death!

Also, not once in his speech did Claar acknowledge the existence of Clow UFO Base.  Every resident knows that Clow is the real reason for Bolingbrook’s success.  Is he trying to claim credit for the work of otherworldly beings?

Bolingbrook deserves a mayor who won’t try to cover up its supernatural nature- one who embraces it instead.  We are the most important village in the galaxy.  Unlike a certain mayor, we aren’t afraid to tell the public this!

Bolingbrook Pride Party

“What has fallen may stand again.”

There was once a party that proclaimed it was proud to be residents of Bolingbrook.  That party built our infrastructure, and thus the foundation to make Bolingbrook great.

Now things are different.  Bolingbrook has corporate headquarters instead of cornfields, but even the most Claar loving resident knows that something isn’t right.  Sure people do well, but only if you’re friends with the mayor.  He brags about Bolingbrook’s economic development, yet anyone can look at Bolingbrook Commons and know that something is not right.  There is no pride in Bolingbrook.

That’s why we’ve brought back the Bolingbrook Pride Party.  We’re going to bring back not only real transparency but a commitment to serve all residents — not just the ones who own businesses.  We’re going to make sure that all streets are plowed, including the cul-de-sacs.  The days of overpriced golf clubs and subsidized airports will come to an end.

Critics will call us a zombie party.  We prefer to think of our selves as Crows, coming back from the afterlife to the right the wrongs committed by Roger, and leaving behind a Bolingbrook we can all be proud to call ourselves residents of.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to remain open during government shutdown
Claar:  Bolingbrook United should fold just like Senate Democrats
Sagan dragons spotted in Romeoville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/18

Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Bolingbrook Residents,

The following is Bolingbrook United’s response to Mayor Claar’s January 18, 2018, State of the Village address.

The State of the Village was an event for a select few: On Thursday an elite group of Bolingbrook business owners, residents and guests, along with countless politicians, listened to Mayor Roger Claar provide his view of the state of our Village.  The event took place at the taxpayer funded and owned Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Like previous years, if residents wanted to attend the event they had to pay a staggering fee of $70 per person. Many residents cannot afford that high-ticket price or have the ability to take time off work to attend the event, which was held on a Thursday afternoon. As a result, such residents are relegated to watching it over the internet or on public access television.  Bolingbrook United believes that the State of the Village should be held at Village Hall or the Bolingbrook High School, during the evening, with no cost to attend.  It should be open to all residents, and not just those who can afford to take time off of work and pay an exorbitant fee to attend.

There is need for more economic development: During his address, Mayor Claar expressed his concerns about the economic shift away from typical brick and mortar retail and the effect it is having on local tax revenue.  He complained about the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the former location of Century Tile, and mentioned how it is an eyesore.  He specifically noted that little has changed with the Shopping Center since he became mayor over 34 years ago.  While Bolingbrook United agrees with Mayor Claar about these concerns, we believe that his inaction has allowed this ‘eyesore’ and many other retail spaces to remain as virtual ghost towns with mass vacancies and unrenovated buildings. One of the first things Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, of Bolingbrook United, did after being elected was discuss with Mayor Claar the need for an Economic Development Committee, which would look at how to better utilize these spaces, attract new businesses, and turn ‘eyesores’ into functioning businesses that improve our community.  Mayor Claar refused to consider Trustee Jaskiewicz’s suggestion. Instead, during the State of the Village, Mayor Claar stated there was nothing that could be done for such areas. Instead of complaining and throwing in the proverbial towel, Mayor Claar and the rest of Village Hall should be taking action.  Bolingbrook United believes that an Economic Development Committee should be established immediately and that the Village should stop being complacent and instead go to work on helping to revitalize these vacant areas.

The Village must address the massive debt it has incurred: Under the leadership of Mayor Claar, the Village has incurred over $300 million dollars of debt in part by expending Village dollars on frivolities such as the following: purchasing Clow airport; building the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and attempting to become a home developer by purchasing Americana Estates.  At no time during his address did Mayor Claar mention how much debt the Village has, but he insisted that the Village is finished with incurring debt.  Unfortunately, this is not a true statement. The Village is currently involved in litigation with Illinois American Water.  In short, the Village is attempting to buy back the water system that Mayor Claar and the Village sold 20 years ago.  That transaction, when it occurs, is expected to cost the Village tens of millions of dollars that will be added to our debt.

Bolingbrook United believes the Village needs to come to terms with the incredible amount of debt it has incurred under Mayor Claar. The Village cannot continue to kick the debt can down the road for future generations to solve.  We must do something about it now.

We need to solve our trash problem and increase basic services to residents: A basic concern of many residents is trash disposal.  Mayor Claar’s opposition to the use of trash cans or “toters” as they more accurately called, is well known.  Since his election, Trustee Jaskiewicz has repeatedly asked that the issue of waste disposal be taken seriously and placed on the Village agenda.  We’ve tried to get the Village’s attention to this important issue, to no avail; we even marched in the Pathways Parade this past year pushing toters to draw attention it.  Bolingbrook United believes that the matter of garbage cans, toters, recyclable bags and waste management as a whole should be a Village agenda item.  We need public discourse on this topic and we need a solution to our trash problem; for far too long, our Village has looked like a giant refuse site as a result of the trash that blows out of recyclable bins and torn garbage bags. People want to be heard on this issue and whether you are for or against toters, Bolingbrook United believes that the Village should have an active and open discussion on the issue.

In addition, when it comes to snow removal, I hope we can all agree that the removal of snow from streets is a public safety issue and that residents want their streets plowed.  It is neither funny nor acceptable that during the State of the Village Mayor Claar mocked residents who questioned where the plows and salt trucks were during the most recent snowfall.  We know our Village employees work hard and do a great job, but we realize that we now have half as many employees in the Public Works Department than we had ten years ago. Bolingbrook United believes that resident concerns need to be taken seriously.  Residents should not be insulted by their mayor for questioning a matter of safety in the Village.

We must stop the “everyone else is the problem” mentality in Village Hall:  During the State of the Village, Mayor Claar took the opportunity to promote his favorite candidates, businesses and political patrons – most of whom donate to his campaign fund and/or are outspoken supporters of him.  He also chastised Democrats, and Republicans to a lesser degree, at the state and federal levels for not working together.  We found these statements to be incredible considering that since the election, Mayor Claar has frequently used Village meetings to put down and/or denigrate Bolingbrook United, its supporters, and its suggestions/ideas.  He has refused to collaborate with or listen to the concerns expressed by Trustee Jaskiewicz and those he represents who disagree with his agenda in any manner.  Bolingbrook United believes that our Village should not mirror our ineffective state and federal governments.  The mayor and the rest of our elected officials need to collaborate with one another, even if they are of a different political persuasion.

Sources: Bolingbrook to investigate the Clintons (Fiction)

Will the Village of Bolingbrook investigate the Clinton family?  Sources with relatives whose friends work at Village Hall say yes:

“Sure the FBI is investigating the Clinton Foundation,” said one source.  “But we know that they’re in league with the Deep State.  Can we really trust any organization tied to them?  So we’re helping Trump— I mean we’re helping bring the Clintons to justice.”

“There are many laws the Clintons could have broken,” said another source.  “Did Bill have an affair while visiting Illinois?  That’s a crime in Illinois.  There are other obscure laws in Illinois that we could get them on.  I mean discover if they violated.  The point is that there are so many crimes that the Clintons could have committed, that we can’t expect Congress and the FBI to investigate them all.  It is the patriotic duty of every community to investigate the Clintons.”

The sources agree that Mayor Roger Claar asked the village staff to “look into Clinton’s ties to Bolingbrook, no matter insignificant they may seem.” Though the Clintons did not make any campaign stops in Bolingbrook, Claar, the sources say, believes that there could be some “inappropriate connections” between some Bolingbrook residents and the Clintons.

“Maybe some residents did more than vote for Clinton.  Maybe they received secret funds from the Clintons and used them to run for local office.  We can’t know for sure unless we investigate.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said: “He hated me and committed a crime. How is that not a hate crime?  For that matter, how can you say that my support of Donald Trump is not a creed?  A creed is a set of beliefs that guide someone’s actions.  Google it if you don’t believe me!”

In the background, a woman said: “Actually, I have the Babbler on Line One.  The Herald is on Line Two.”

“I’ll deal with you later,” Claar said before hanging up.

Chelsea Clinton laughed after being asked about the alleged investigation. “I’ll make this quick since the board meeting is about to start.  I don’t know who this Mayor Blair is.  I’ve never heard of Bowling Illinois, most of the money the Clinton Foundation makes goes towards its programs, the former President is my dad, my mother won the popular vote, I have four degrees, including a doctorate from Oxford University, I’m not wearing an ankle bracelet, Alex Jones eats pizza, and I’m more qualified to hold office than Donald Trump is.  Have a nice life.”

Also in the Babbler:

Man frozen since last week revived at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital
Traffic down 25 percent at Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook Skeptics: All Will County prisoners wrongly convicted due to false memories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/11/18

We get letters: HJ Hornbeck and other matters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Hello! While the rest of the staff is enjoying a vacation, I’ve decided to publish some of the letters we’ve received recently.  I am known for being a harsh editor, but it is possible to get a letter published by me.  I will give you a hint, death threats or links to pornographic fan fiction about Mayor Roger Claar will be filed in my round drawer.

Our first letter probably was sent to us by mistake, but it’s worth a read:

Dear Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler:

We at the Skeptic Society can’t believe it! HJ Hornbeck, a protege of the objectively evil PZ Myers, is attacking us.  We can counter his thousands of words but, unlike Hornbeck, we don’t have a mountain of ad revenue to back us up.  Our backs are up against a virtual wall, but we can fight back against the many-headed creature that is Freethought Blogs.

We will need your help, though.  For a small donation of $1 million, we can find writers who can counter Hornbeck’s fake skepticism!  For the cost of a summer home, you can make huge difference in our fight against political correctness.  If you can become a member of our army of small donors, you’ll save secularism and help our founder, Michael Shermer, keep his platform!

If you have any doubts, just remember that we are standing by our positive review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s book, and Rebecca Watson won’t be at any of our events.

Donate today, and you’ll get an advance copy of Michael’s soon to be released book, “The Female Brain.”

The Skeptics Society
Altadena, CA

Pass.

Locally, one reader has a question:

To the Editor:

Why don’t you write about our great high school basketball teams?  Don’t you love our community?  Don’t you love our students?  Are your reporters the kind that hate Bolingbrook High School because we’re diverse?

Get with the program!

Lee X. Pilger
Bolingbrook, IL

Lee, our focus is on the supernatural happenings in Bolingbrook.  Yes, we have great teams, but you can read about them in any suburban publication.  You’ll only be able to read about the Bolingbrook High School Interplanetary Track and Field team on in the Babbler!  They’re favored to win the Triton Invitational Tournament.

Our next reader is concerned:

To the Editor:

Don’t be fooled by the Fake News Media. Most people believe the Earth is a globe.  The Fake News Media wants us to believe that there are hordes of Flat Earth believers out there, so we’ll panic and establish a council of smart people to rule the world.  Sure they say it will be temporary until they’ve rid the world of woo.  But it is impossible to get rid of woo, and they know it.  Instead, the world will be run by this oligarchy.

We can’t let the Fake News Media trick us into letting the skeptical movement run the world!

Name withheld
Schaumburg, IL

No, we can’t let that happen.

Finally, a question many Bolingbrook residents have:

To the Editor:

When will Bolingbrook end its ban on garbage totes?  Sure, banning them was a way to make the village look like it had conservative values.  Today, even Naperville has them, and Naperville isn’t a liberal community.  Roger is just being stubborn, and we’re falling behind in the sanitation race.  It’s time for a change.  Garbage totes today!  Garbage totes tomorrow!  Garbage totes forever!

Jane Z Gilford
Bolingbrook, IL

Viva the garbage tote revolution, I guess.

We’ll be back to our regular schedule next week, and I’ll continue my difficult search for letters worth publishing.

Clow UFO Base survives holiday concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base once again survived its annual holiday concert. Officials were quick to call it a success.

“The stats speak for themselves,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Arrests were down a half a percent.  We had one less visitor hospitalized this year than last.  We also confiscated one ton of corn cobs before the concert.  I think it helped that we banned Festivus celebrations this year.  The feats of strengths and airing of grievances were creating too many problems for our security staff.  Now were there unfortunate incidents during the concert?  Yes; but it wouldn’t be a Clow Holiday Cultural Event without an incident or two, would it?”

The concert, officially titled, “A Study of Contrasts Between Traditional Christmas Music and Christmas Music Composed in the Late 20th Century/Early 21st Century,” started with a moment of silence in honor of former Bolingbrook Mayor Edward “Rosie” Rosenthal, who recently died of natural causes.  The first two performances were by the Bolingbrook High School alien choir and the Bolingbrook High School Alien Show Choir, both of which were well received.

Trouble began when three aliens suffered convulsions during a slide show presentation of the Village Board members’ children and grandchildren.  The three were hospitalized and are in stable condition.

“Sometimes our visitors can be overwhelmed cuteness,” said a doctor who asked not to be named.  “What can I say?  Our leaders have cute kids.”

After the slideshow, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was invited to walk on stage.  He was handed a piece of paper and asked to sing along to the music.  When the music started, he sang the beginning of “Little Drummer Boy.”

Seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler walked on stage and sang “Peace on Earth/Can it be?” He smiled as he walked towards Jaskiewicz and kept singing.

Claar charged on to the stage and ordered the music to be stopped.

“Michael,” he yelled.  “What are you doing?  We are supposed to be shunning that man, not singing with him.”

“But I always wanted to sing a Bowie song on stage.”

“At the New Years party, you can sing ‘Fashion’ if you need to.  Now get off this stage!  You too, Stankiewicz.”

“Jaskiewicz,” Jaskiewicz replied.

“Whatever.”

The next band, Night Castle, was supposed to perform cover versions of Trans-Siberian Orchestra songs.  When they entered the stage, the lead guitarist announced that they had left their sheet music in their quarters.

“So we’re going to pay tribute to our second favorite album from Earth.  With a twist, of course.”

Night Castle started playing “American Idiot” by Green Day, and changed the chorus to “Don’t want to be a Bolingbrook Idiot.”  An alien, wearing an orange Claar mask, marched to the center of the stage.  Six aliens, wearing costumes that resembled the elected members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, ran up to the Claar impersonator, dropped to their knees and bowed before him.  Then aliens wearing Bolingbrook United shirts ran onto the stage. They were chased by aliens wearing Bolingbrook police uniforms and waving batons.  Some audience members then tried to rush the stage.

Claar walked up to the window of his luxury box and made an obscene gesture at the band.  The stage lights and sound were cut off, and Men in Blue stormed the stage, arresting the performers.

Claar then turned towards Jaskiewicz.  Jaskiewicz shrugged.

Tim Minchin, the final performer, finished his set by performing “White Wine in the Sun.”  During the performance, Trustee Sheldon Watts turned his back and plugged each ear with a finger.

After Minchin finished, the aliens gave him a standing ovation.  Minchin bowed then started writing on two sheets of paper.  He then held them up.  One read, “New World Order.”  The other read, “Illuminati.”  He tore up both sheets then wrote on a third sheet and held it up.  It read: “One Universe, One Humanity.  One Family.”

The aliens and many Clow staffers cheered.

Claar shook his head.  According to some sources, he ordered Minchin and Night Castle placed on the ‘banned for life from Clow’ list.

While the concert didn’t go as planned, many aliens said they enjoyed the show.

“These concerts are the best argument for anarchy,” said an alien who asked not to be named.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Resident: My website will settle all political debates
Claar:  No rap concerts before Village Board Meetings
Bolingbrook police promise not to arrest Santa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/17

In memory of Edward ‘Rosie’ Rosenthal (Non-fiction)

My friend Edward “Rosie” Rosenthal died last Thursday at the age of 69.

Ed Rosenthal was Mayor of Bolingbrook from 1981 to 1985.  Part of his legacy as mayor included Bolingbrook’s tornado sirens.  Ed’s term featured many infrastructure improvements for Bolingbrook, although he did have to deal with his then rival, Roger Claar, who was a trustee at the time.  (Now Claar is the current Mayor of Bolingbrook, and he eventually became one of Ed’s friends.)

I suspect Ed will be better remembered as a long time science teacher at Naperville North, as well as the coach of the Girl’s Golf Team. I’ve been moved reading the many testimonials from his former students and athletes.  Many still met up with him years after he retired, and his Facebook page is filled with comments from former students.

Ed was also involved with the National Educational Association and was a negotiator for Naperville’s teacher’s union.  I remember reading his quotes in the paper as contract talks were close to the deadline.  He struck me as someone always willing to fight for the best deal, even if that sometimes meant taking cuts.  After he retired, he remained active with the NEA.

When I first met Ed, I believed that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of one of his daughter’s friends from the Internet.  I think I won him over soon afterward.  He helped me get settled in the Chicago area, and we eventually became neighbors in Bolingbrook.  I also enjoyed Thanksgiving dinners with his family. Whenever I had a question about Bolingbrook politics, he was always willing to answer it—though I now I suspect that there was more he wanted to share with me.

Ed also liked it whenever I mentioned him in a Bolingbrook Babbler article.  He even shared my “Mayors of Bolingbrook” article about him.

Ed was a very kind and helpful person to not only me but to his family and many others.  I feel honored to have been friends with him and he was an asset to Bolingbrook.  I and many others will miss him.