Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel (Fiction)

Three ‘rogue’ DuPage Township trustees set fire to one of Bolingbrook IKEA’s solar panels as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.

“My brother was one of the first firefighters on the roof,” said Angie, who asked that we not use her last name. “He said he saw trustees (Alyssia Benford), (Maripat Oliver), and (Dennis Raga) dancing around a burning solar panel. They were chanting ‘Fnord.’”

According to the sources, when approached by the firefighters, the three trustees insisted they were ““Chaos Knights.” The trustees said the Illuminati recently knighted them, and they demanded the firefighters let the fire burn because they were “performing a ritual.”

“Don’t you read the Babbler?” asked Oliver. “Bolingbrook is an Illuminati village. As members of the Illuminated Knights of Chaos, we can do anything we want to in the name of chaos. Right now, we want to sacrifice this solar panel to seek the favor of the spirits of coal!”

“That’s not the only reason,” added Benford. “I’m participating in this ritual to ensure the success of my campaign for State Representative. God is on my side. Republican pensioners are on my side, Republican parents are on my side, and after this ritual, the Illuminati will be on my side! I’m going to break the deadlock in Springfield, destroy the rules, and create chaos in Illinois. This state will become an anarchist capitalist’s dream.”

“Yeah!” added Raga. “We hold all the power in DuPage Township. You can’t tell us what to do. We’ve shut down the board for two meetings in a row. Do you want to waste the taxpayers’ money by fighting us? Let us fire who we want to fire. Let me drink and drive whenever I want. Let men be men! Save the taxpayers’ money and let us do what we want!”

“Exactly,” said Oliver. “Chaos is the future, and the future is good.”

“Today the township,” said Raga. “Tomorrow the world. How are we going to save the world from the New World Order? With Booze, Boobs, EDM. Booze! Boobs! EDM!”

The firefighters moved the trustees aside and put out the fire. Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar later met with the trustees in a secluded location. He explained that he outranked them in the Illuminati, and said they weren’t doing their jobs as knights.

“Your job is to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook. Instead, you are causing chaos in my village! I am ordering all three of you to attend the special meeting on May 15 and to bring order back to my village. Oh. The next time you feel like performing a ritual, do it at the Schaumburg IKEA. Then I can tell their mayor that I’m IKEA 1 and he’s IKEA 0.”

The trustees could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Z. Spencer said, “Look Mr. Bolingbrook thought leader. I don’t care if you’re afraid to go back to the Bolingbrook Politics group. You paid me to troll them, and I trolled them. As for your message, I’ll have you know that I still have Roger Treatment coupons. Never heard of them? You’ll like this. All I have to do is redeem one at any Bolingbrook Government agency, and they will treat me just like they would treat Roger. You sent me a sick message, period! Gender doesn’t matter. Now, unless you want to be on the receiving end of the Roger treatment, you’ll pay off your invoice to Barber’s Corners Media and never bother me again.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m having a bad day.”

“Me too.”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs spotted with Bolingbrook Pride stickers
Martian Colonies officially close consulate at Clow UFO Base
Werecats endorse Jackie Traynere and Kenneth Harris for Will County Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/18

From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

I don’t know how organized it so quickly, but Bolingbrook Pride will be hosting its first event, “Pride Picnic and Puppies,” on June 10 from 3 pm to 7 pm.

Bolingbrook PRIDE is holding our first annual community picnic with art activities, pet adoption event, food, games, fellowship and more!! We aim to support LGBTQ acceptance through family-friendly, community activity. Join us at James S Boan Woods for four hours of fun!!

This will be Bolingbrook’s first pride event. A picnic is a good beginning. Maybe next year we can hope for rainbow crosswalks and a parade in the Promenade? One can dream…

Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, a former Skeptics Guide to the Universe rouge, just started her own podcast. Quiz-o-Tron is a monthly science and comedy quiz show where comedians and scientists compete for the coveted Quiz-o-Tron Belt.

I haven’t seen Quiz-o-Tron, but I did seem a similar program she put on at TAM 9. Fun Fact, PZ Myers and I managed to make the finals of the audience participation segment. It was a version of Match Game. While I drew a blank, PZ picked the most popular answer. While I lost, it was fun to watch and join in. I can’t wait to listen to Quiz-o-Tron on my way to work.

Of course, she still has her YouTube channel.

Sources: Bolingbrook to implement ‘Social Credit System’ (Fiction)

Snowy the Social Skunk knows your Brook Score. Do you? Find out at www.bolingbrook.com

Does this graphic prove Bolingbrook is working on a social scoring system?

Could the Village of Bolingbrook start rewarding residents for “socially acceptable behaviors,” and punishing them for “anti-social behaviors?”

Sources, who have relatives with friends in Village Hall, say Bolingbrook could have its own version of China’s social credit system by next year.

“Just like China,” said one source. “We have to deal with a lot of negativity and anti-social behaviors in our community. By implementing a system similar to the one China is working on, we can improve our community and the quality of our residents.”

Under the proposed system, each resident will receive a social credit score. Residents can increase their scores by various means, including volunteering for “approved organizations,” receiving an award from the village, posting “appropriate content” on the Village and Bolingbrook First Facebook pages, and receiving special recognization from Mayor Roger Claar.

Residents who have high social credit scores will receive exclusive perks. Proposed perks could include access to an express line for village services, an exemption during a property tax assessment, extended book loans from the library, and discounts at “featured businesses.”

Points can also be lost for various actions, including traffic violations, major crimes, patronizing “questionable local businesses,” and visiting “negative social media pages.” Unlike China’s system, there’s no penalty for DUI charges.

“Why should we treat a resident who frequents Advantage Chevrolet the same as a resident who frequents Giamanco Law Partners?” said another source. “One does business with the village and Roger. The other sues Roger’s favorite township.”

A woman who claimed to be a spokesperson for the opposition Bolingbrook United Party denounced the proposed plan. “If, and that’s a big if, what you’re saying is true, then Roger and his trustees are going too far. We are a democracy. This sounds like the most undemocratic thing that could happen to Bolingbrook since Roger installed one-party rule!”

The second source laughed. “We are a republic, not a democracy. In the Trump era, Roger can do anything he wants to as long as he doesn’t go against the wishes of Governor Rauner or our President! If Roger wants to use this scoring system to bring peace and unity to our village, he will.”

A receptionist for Claar denied any plans to implement a social credit system, then added that he was in a critical meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Z. Spencer said, “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the Bolingbrook Pride event? You could score some political points, and you know how to deal with hostile residents.”

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “I can’t go because I said Mike Pence would be an outstanding Vice-president.”

“Oh boy! I see your point. Well, we can still make this work. The trustees and you can show up at the site the day before, and I’ll take pictures. Then I’ll take pictures of the event and Photoshop all of you into them. No one will know the difference, and the best part is, you won’t have to worry about using the wrong pronoun.”

“Good. Because I still can’t wrap my head around a married woman not taking her husband’s last name.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village officials admit they’re not prepared for a volcanic eruption
Road workers uncover alien skeleton under Route 53
Claar denies hiring professional internet trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/8/18

Web Exclusive: UFO crews forced to play Representative Peter Roskam’s ads during abductions (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of a UFO.

UFO crews are forcing abductees in Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District to watch Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign ads.

“It’s either we make them watch the ads,” said Zodole from Kepler-62f, “Or we have to pay double the normal abduction fee. What choice do we have?”

Mary, who asked that we not use her last name, described her experience: “I was floating in the air, and I thought I was having a dream. After I went into the light, I found myself in a white room. Peter then appeared in front of me. He said that he wanted to talk to me while aliens were examining me. I told him to release me. He ignored me and started talking about his opponent Sean Casten and something about (Rep. Nancy Pelosi). I said Nancy Pelosi never abducted me, and you just did. Then he started talking gibberish. I later realized I was really talking to a hologram, but it looked and acted just like Peter.”

Joshua, who also asked that we not use his last name, called the ad an uplifting experience: “At the time, I thought God took me to Heaven and revealed that he was really Peter. So, that meant that all this time he wasn’t speaking nonsense. He was speaking in tongues! The real reason we hardly see Peter in our district is that if anyone looks at him too long, they’ll die. Sadly, I later realized that I was actually watching an ad on a UFO. Still, that means Peter is out of this world!”

Zodole said she hated the ads: “Most of the time, the ads just upset our subjects. I remember one woman who accused Peter of taking away deductions for state and local taxes so he could pay for tax cuts for the rich. It’s supposed to be an interactive ad, but, honestly, I think something went wrong during the recording. Either that or Peter really is mentally dense for a human being.”

Polly, a member of Liberate IL06, denounced the ads: “Sean Casten’s campaign is hosting standing room only events. Peter is so desperate for an audience that he has to ask aliens to force residents to watch his ads. We deserve better than the man who dictated Trump’s stupid tax plan!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, which regulates abductions in Chicagoland, defended running the ads. An unsigned statement from the department read: “We have always allowed advertising by our visitors. Ad revenue allows more visitors to conduct science experiments in Chicagoland. Revenue from the abductions funds Bolingbrook. Our taxes would be much higher without abduction revenue.” The letter also refused to state who is paying for the ads but did say that Roskam’s campaign isn’t paying for them.

Sean Casten refused to comment on the ads: “All I will say is that I have never worked at Clow UFO base.”

A man then walked into the room, saying: “Your Mom and I are going to be working on a roast. So we won’t see you for two weeks.”

“Dad! You don’t need to work on a roast. Help me make pub burgers instead.”

“The roast is a family tradition. I have to defend it. This will be the best roast ever!”

“I got in trouble the last time you made a roast. Help me make a pub burger instead. It will be fun, and you won’t be accused of food poisoning.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Reporter. We were not having a coded discussion about a Super PAC.”

Roskam could not be located in the district and did not reply to this reporter’s voicemails and emails.

Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

While most our staff recovers from a suspected Russian biological attack, I decided to share some of the letters we’ve received. The ones I’ve selected cover the hot issues in our exceptional burb.

We received quite a few letters about gun control. Some were very disturbing. A few Bolingbrook High School students argued that they should be able to buy assault rifles from the pawn shop across the street, to “protect themselves from teacher tyranny.” Other residents say they have the right to shoot at any public official they disagree with. We have forwarded these letters to the proper authorities. At the very least, you won’t be getting any awards from the village this year.

This is one of the sensible letters on gun control:

To the editor:

It seems that my fellow Second Amendment supporters are more interested in triggering liberals than promoting sensible gun use. I’ve seen women put pistols in their yoga pants, and men put pistols in the crotch of their jeans. Don’t get me started on so called “open carry activists” who bring their guns to crowded places. Their actions endanger both themselves and the public.

Thanks to some unfortunate incidents, more people support gun control today. It is scary, but that is no excuse to scare others. The public cannot tell the difference between a good guy with a gun, and a bad guy with a gun. We need to start acting like a well-regulated militia, or else the government will regulate us!

Peter Z. Williams,
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association

Next, what would a Bolingbrook letters page be without a garbage letter:

To the editor:

I am pleased to announce that I will be marrying the garbage toter I just met at the Home Depot. Not only will I be marrying the love of my life, but my spouse will be able to go anywhere on our property. My love will be spending her days sitting by the side of our house, and no one, not even our dictatorial housing association, can stop my spouse!

I’m sure (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) will try to stop me, or impose a fee on my spouse. He will fail because I know that every Bolingbrook resident, with few exceptions, supports freedom, and therefore will support my freedom to marry my loving garbage toter!

Name withheld by request,
Bolingbrook, IL

We believe in many things here at the Babbler, but we don’t believe that a garbage toter can consent to marriage. I do have to wonder if this letter and the next letter are part of the same campaign:

To the Editor:

The Cook County Democrats have gone too far! They’re organizing a “Bolingbrook Pride” event. We’ve never had a gay event in Bolingbrook before. Why now?

The answer is simple. The Chicago political machine, lead by Rahm Emanuel, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesus Garcia, want to take over Bolingbrook. This “pride” event is cover for an invading Cook County army!

I don’t hate gay people. I just don’t think they belong in Bolingbrook— and Cook County has no business imposing them on us!

I’m calling on every decent resident to stand up to this invasion force. We stood up to Cook County last year. We will do it again. Keep your (offensive term redacted), Cook County! Bolingbrook is a wholesome community!

Matt X. Stone
Bolingbrook, IL

I think I can speak for the entire Babbler staff regarding this letter.

First, there is no word in the English language strong enough to describe your total lack of knowledge about Cook County politics and your disrespect for LGBTQ+ people. Second, there are LGBTQ+ residents in Bolingbrook, and they help make Bolingbrook the diverse and vibrant community that it is today. As far as we’ve determined, Bolingbrook Pride is locally organized, and we should be at their event in some manner.

You may not hate LGBTQ+ people, but attitudes like yours make life difficult for them. They should be proud to be surviving the hate and discrimination imposed on them, as well as proud to be who they are.

That’s it for this week’s letters. Remember, anyone can post a web comment. Only a select few will have their letter published by me. Are you up for the challenge?

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff recovers from Russian biological attack
Alien arrested at Bolingbrook storage facility
Mayor Claar planning secret trip to the Congo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/18

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court dismissed skeptic Michael Shermer’s lawsuit against Clow UFO Base, the Escape Velocity Blog Network, and Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Instead of wasting this court’s time with frivolous lawsuits,” stated Judge Kilos Surgon in her decision. “He should just stick to lecturing about his questionable hypotheses, and keeping his appendages to himself.”

The lawsuit stemmed from an investigation of an incident in February at a skeptical symposium at Clow UFO Base. A disciplinary board, lead by Claar, found Shermer guilty of inappropriately touching an alien on stage during a panel. The ruling was then reported by the Escape Velocity Blog Network, an interstellar organization that distributes “electronic social justice content from non-interstellar civilizations.”

Shermer’s lawyer, Charles X. Smith, argued that the conviction was flawed, and caused irreparable harm to Shermer. He explained that the sentence of Shermer relied on eyewitness testimony, which he claimed is always unreliable. “No one can remember all of the details of everything in their lives. Therefore eyewitness testimony should never be allowed in any court.”

Smith also argued that video evidence of the event shouldn’t have been considered. “Video evidence can be faked. Look at all the UFO videos on YouTube. Unless you can prove with 100% certainty that the video wasn’t faked, it shouldn’t be allowed.”

Smith also noted that Escape Velocity distributes material from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit. “They value distributing material that makes my client look bad. My client simply wants to be compensated. He is the supplier. They are the consumer. This court should respect the capitalistic market and give my client money.”

The defense lawyer, Joan Z. Parker replied that Claar’s investigation was proper. “Eyewitnesses were interviewed in a way that reduced the risk of contamination of their testimony. Also, the witnesses were discussing someone they were very familiar with. The videos were examined and were not tampered with. Michael only received a warning for his actions and will be escorted during future visits to Clow. He is also still a member in good standing of the Illuminati, and The Skeptics Society is still the official skeptical organization for the Illuminati. I should also note that people still cite his article on the lifespan of civilizations — even though he is not an anthropologist. In short, if this court allows this lawsuit to proceed, then every human believer in UFOs and the paranormal should be allowed to sue Michael for damages done to their reputations!”

The judge dismissed the case with prejudice, and Smith said Shermer would not appeal. “We really thought we had a good case and could overcome Clow’s army of professional lawyers. We know better now. At least Michael didn’t have to pay for my services.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting with the mayor of Naperville and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care what your press releases said. Your incinerator is sending smoke into my village and annoying my residents! I can respect that you fooled the EPA into approving it, but I won’t tolerate you offending the noses of my voters!”

A man who sounded like Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico laughed. “We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. Taking directions from Bolingbrook politicians is not part of that reputation.”

“I too have a reputation, and taking ‘no’ for an answer is not part of it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Congressional candidate Sean Casten denies soliciting funds from aliens.
Representative Peter Roskam buys ad space on UFOs
Romeoville Mayor blames New World Order for his DUI arrest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/29/18

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s covert budget posted on village website (Fiction)

For the first time, Bolingbrook’s covert budget is posted on the village’s website. It is encoded within the seemingly blank pages of next fiscal year’s public budget.

“I don’t care if a village staffer messed up, or someone from the Chamber of Commerce screwed up, or an Illuminati chaosmatician decided to have some fun,” said Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, during a secret meeting of the village board. As a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United party, Jaskiewicz demanded the removal of the file. “The fact is, we have a budget on our web page that is classified as beyond top secret, and anyone with the right equipment can read it. Don’t any of you realize that there are secret societies that are hostile towards Bolingbrook? I hope my colleagues will pull the covert budget from the web page, and not waste any time trying to spin this debacle against me.”

“Oh we will find a way to blame you, Bob,” said Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, a member of the ruling Bolingbrook First party. “We just need to take a few weeks to scrutinize every Facebook post you’ve ever written.”

Mayor Roger Claar said there was nothing to worry about: “The average resident won’t even download the file. Most of the people who will bother to download it, like Mrs. Giamanco—”

“Jaime Olson.”

“Whatever! The point is, she and her fellow foes won’t be able to read the covert budget. If I find out that anyone can read it, they will get a special visit from the Men in Blue.”

Claar then scolded Jaskiewicz: “Once again, you are bringing up a problem in a meeting, and making my staff look bad.”

“I must be the only one who notices when things go wrong,” stated Jaskiewicz. He then turned towards the other trustees and said: “Did any of you notice that our secret budget is on the Internet?”

The trustees shrugged.

“Damn it, Bob,” said Claar. “Now you’re making my trustees look bad. If you noticed a problem, why didn’t you do something about it.”

“I just found out about it an hour ago,” Jaskiewicz replied. “I left messages with the village attorney and you.”

“Bob! You are supposed to fill out Form 3798i, perform the Illuminati Rite of Correction, then hand it to the Grand Scribe in Harvey.”

“You never told me that, and you know I can’t go to the Illuminati because I’m a member of the New World Order.”

“This is why opposition trustees should be banned in Bolingbrook. Only Bolingbrook First members get the full orientation.”

The covert budget is still online. Experts contacted by the Babbler have partially decoded it. Notable items include:

Clow UFO Base is still expected to show a profit, despite a decline in traffic. The village plans to save money by no longer buying display ads on the far side of the moon.
Bolingbrook will increase spending on anti-ghost training and equipment by 20 percent.
The WeatherTech Restaurant at Clow UFO Base will expand and still pay no rent. “The restaurant may contribute monetarily to the Base, but it does provide a value-added service that makes Clow one of the most attractive bases on Earth. It also allows WeatherTech to profit off of its plastic scraps.”

Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party demands answers (Fiction)

Ten members of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party picketed in front of Clow Airport to demand an investigation into the death of radio host Art Bell.

“We’re just asking questions,” said Art Bell party leader Michael Faith. “Like, will (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) create a panel to verify no resident was involved in Art’s death? For that matter, where was Roger yesterday? Can he account for his whereabouts at the time of Art’s death? We want to know, and we think that every true Bolingbrook resident wants to know, too.”

Bell, who started the paranormal-themed radio show Coast to Coast in 1988, died 4/13/18 at his home in Pahrump, NV. At its peak, Coast to Coast was syndicated on 500 radio stations and had 15 million listeners. In 1996, Bell was the first to report Chuck Shramek’s claim that a UFO was following Comet Hale-Bopp. Though stories about the alleged UFO may have inspired the Heaven’s Gate cult to commit mass suicide, Bell denied any responsibility for the incident.

“Art Bell taught us to not accept the official truth,” said Faith. “So many other residents believe Bolingbrook is an average suburb, and Clow is only an airport. There still are residents who laugh when I tell them Clow Airport is just a cover for a UFO Base. Art opened our minds to the truth, and the Babbler told us the truth.”

Jane Z. Cantor, who will be running for Village trustee in 2019, believes there are too many coincidences surrounding Bell’s death: “Why are we just now debating garbage toters? Why was American Atheist president David Silverman fired before Art’s death? Why were atheists holding a convention after Art’s death? Why is there suddenly interest in organizing Bolingbrook Gay Pride events? We want answers, and we’re going to keep asking until we hear what sounds like the truth!”

Faith believes Bell was about to make a major announcement about Bolingbrook: “Could it be that Art was going to announce Clow UFO Base? Could the announcement have involved a scandal? Could it be that someone in the village didn’t want that information to come out? We need to know the facts, and there cannot be even a hint of doubt about the innocence of any village employee or official.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “So Charlene, how is purging the Bolingbrook Friends page going to help me? It’s supposed to be a friendly page about Bolingbrook.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Roger. You don’t understand the full power of this group. I’m going to show you with this post. Let me borrow your account.”

“Let me see. Wait. My daughter has epidermis? Of course, she has skin.”

“I just posted it. Now refresh your browser.”

“Wow! Look at all these thoughts and prayers!”

“Exactly. It’s not a matter of having a Facebook Page with the most members. It’s about having a Facebook page with the right members.”

“I see. Well, I’d better delete this post before my daughter reads it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources say PZ Myers really loves his cat
Syrians agents set off stink bombs in Chicago
Russian weather attack fails to stop OrbitCon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/18

The Bolingbrook Babbler

The truth is unbelievable!

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Would-be 'Pizzagate' avenger shot dead by police

Link Roundup: January 2025

Man tracks!

Why libertarian cities fail, part 2

Remember What I Said?

Negative feelings about things.

Walking Disaster, Chapter 19

Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel (Fiction)

From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 (Mixed)

Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Sources: Bolingbrook to implement ‘Social Credit System’ (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: UFO crews forced to play Representative Peter Roskam’s ads during abductions (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s covert budget posted on village website (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party demands answers (Fiction)