Four Space Force Marines from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base missing after ‘retaliatory’ strike against Jupiter (Fiction)

File photo of Jupiter provided by NASA.

By Reporter X

Four Space Force marines stationed at Clow UFO Base are missing following a “retaliatory strike” against the planet Jupiter.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Bush, during a press conference with the interstellar media, said: “We believe these men are still alive…And I believe they are inflicting Trump’s revenge as we speak.”  Bush is the commander of the 1st High Border Wall Battalion stationed at Clow. 

Bush said the Space Force decided to strike Jupiter moments after a meteor disintegrated over Bolingbrook.  Bush explained why:

“For billions of years, Jupiter has maliciously targeted Earth.  We decided that enough is enough, and President Trump gave us permission to strike back!  Our operation proved that we are making America great again.”

The marines in the audience replied in unison: “MAGA!”

According to Bush, a Space Force fleet launched 10 nuclear warheads at Jupiter, then dropped 20 paratroopers into Jupiter’s atmosphere.  The fleet has been unable to contact them.  Members of Fireteam Bannon from the 1st High Border Wall are among the missing paratroopers.

Bush refused to name the members, but played a video of their descent towards Jupiter.  In the video, the squad dives headfirst towards the planet, firing their particle weapons on full auto.  As a fireball formed around each member, they cried out: “MAGA!”

“Lock her up!”  The marines in the audience replied.  

The video ends with the marines disappearing into the clouds.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar collected himself for a few moments before commenting.  “The President had good intelligence that Jupiter was planning an imminent strike against Bolingbrook.  I pray that these good men are saving Republican—I mean innocent lives, as we speak.  They are truly making America great, and I am blessed that I will be forever remembered as the Trump Mayor!”

The marines present cheered.

“If you’re an Illinois resident,” added Claar.  “Don’t forget to vote for me to be a Trump delegate at this year’s Republican convention.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, interrupted the press conference to criticize the Space Force:

“They aren’t missing.  They’re dead!  We’re not even sure if Jupiter has a solid surface!  Sure, we may live in a strange universe, but that doesn’t mean Jupiter is sentient.  It can’t make a choice to shield or target Earth.  Let’s be honest here:  Our President sent those men to their deaths for nothing!  It’s just a political stunt to make weak people feel tough.”

“Bob,” replied Claar.  “Just shut up and let me do the talking.  Be more like (Trustee Maria Zarate) and (Trustee Mary Basta).

Both trustees nervously smiled and slightly waved their hands while armed marines glared at them.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and didn’t have time for an interview.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “Igor!  Here’s the guy from Hoffman Estates we were talking about.  Mark, read what you wrote on Facebook.”

A man who sounded like School District 211 Board Member Mark Cramer cleared his throat and snarkily said: “Gonna be a GREAT Democratic Primary…. ‘I am the MOST liberal socialist running for the 54th’”

Spencer then said: “See Igor.  I told you he wasn’t one of my bots.”

“Impressive,” said Igor over a computer speaker.  “But he sounds too extremely conservative to be elected in the US.”

Cramer replied, “But I did win an election.  So I believe you can never be too conservative.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar take credit for defending Bolingbrook against Russian snow attack
Interplanetary primary postponed
Bolingbrook residents protest lifting of anti-matter restrictions at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

#Arsonemergency? (Non-fiction)

Some Climate Change change deniers aren’t content to ignore the Australian brush fires.   Instead, they are using Twitter to spread the lie that environmental activists are behind the fires. The Guardian has an article about the so-called #arsonemgerency.

Queensland University of Technology senior lecturer Timothy Graham, an expert in social media analysis, took a sample of tweets from the hashtag and analyzed them for characteristics typically associated with bots and trolls. His findings suggested a clear “disinformation campaign”.

“Australia suddenly appears to be getting swamped by mis/disinformation as a result of this environmental catastrophe, and we are suffering the consequences in terms of hyped up polarisation and an increased difficulty and inability for citizens to discern truth,” Graham told the Guardian.

The article goes to say that dry lightning, not arson, that is mainly driving these fires. Even if arsonists were involved, the changing climate is extending the fire season and reducing the time to safely conduct controlled burns.

We could have tackled climate change years ago, but distractions like #arsonemergency is one of the reasons we haven’t. We are starting to pay the price for that.

Clow UFO Base takes in Australian evacuees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Hundreds of aliens fleeing Australia’s record brush fires arrived at Clow UFO Base over the weekend. 

According to a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “Clow is open to all visitors temporarily displaced by these fires. We ask that you respect the wishes of the Trump Administration and do not seek permanent residency within the United States— unless you can pass as a human from Scandinavia.”

Many UFOs arriving from Australia were damaged by fire or by lightning strikes.  Some were radioactive due to the destruction of Croc 7 UFO Base.

“Have you ever tried outrunning a nuclear shockwave while an airlock is closing in front of your craft?” asked Zeogost, who did not identify her home planet.  “I have, and believe me, it’s nothing like your movies describe it to be.”

Pasgoos, a biologist from Alpha Centauri, cried as he talked to this reporter:  “We tried to save some of the creatures, but the fires moved too fast.  I can’t believe that half-billion animals died.  Those flames are horrible.  I imagine the great burning of Mars was similar to what is happening now.”

Commander Quazoot, from Barnard’s Star, crash-landed her ship at Clow UFO Base.  Her crew survived the landing, but it will take weeks to repair her craft. She said:

“I thought it would be safe to fly into a pyrocumulonimbus storm.  First, the lightning strikes took out my shields.  Then the fire tornados damaged the hull.  Half my crew evaporated from the heat.  What are you humans doing to your planet?”

While Clow officials say hosting the evacuees is “relatively without problems,” some anonymous sources disagree.  Some of them claim that Space Force Marines stationed at Clow tried to build cages to “house alien detainees.”  Mayor Roger Claar, according to the sources, argued with the marines and was told only President Donald Trump could order them to stop.

When Claar called Trump, Trump allegedly said, “I need you to do us a favor.”

“Us?”

“My family, but mostly me.  That’s not the point.  The point is I need you to ask the Andromeda Galaxy to investigate the Biden family.  They’ll listen to you.”

“I don’t think—”  

“Don’t think.  Do.  That’s my motto in life.”

The sources say Claar transmitted the message while Trump watched.  Trump then ordered the marines to dismantle their cages “for now.”  After Trump signed off, Claar said he sent the message to Andromeda by radio instead of FTL communication.  The message, he said, should arrive in about two million years.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was already a line of people waiting to speak to him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Gordon Kinzler, Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District said: “I don’t know if I can beat (Jeanne Ives).  Her campaign just-released poll numbers—”

A woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, covert social media operative, laughed:  “Those aren’t real polls.  Those are push polls.  Barber’s Corner Media did one on your behalf.  Take a look.”

“Wow.  According to your poll, I’m beating Ives by 10 points.  How did you do that?”

“We used loaded questions to emphasize your masculinity and imply that liberals would be triggered if a man beat Judy.  In an election, of course.”

“Oh.”

“If you hire us, we will reach enough Republican households to make a difference.  We can also run a poll implying that Ives wants to enact a radical feminist agenda and has ties to academia.”

“Feminist?”

“We’ll just leave out the trans exclusive part.”

“I don’t know.  My campaign is based on me being an honest guy.”

“Let me put it to you this way:  Do you want to be fighting liberals in Congress, or do you want to be known as the guy who couldn’t beat Michael Madigan’s favorite Republican?”

Also in the Babbler:

Iran will not deny plans to target the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Sen. Booker to hold victory rally at Palatine’s UFO Base
Claar rejects building permits for Apollo temple
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/9/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2020! (Fiction)

Once again, it’s time for our council of psychics to prepare our readers for shocking events that will happen in the new year.

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura

Will Rachel Ventura upset Rep. Bill Foster and become the next AOC in 2020?

Our psychics did an excellent job of predicting 2019.  We predicted Trump’s impeachment while others thought the Democrats lacked the courage to impeach him.  The Edgar County Watchdogs didn’t hold a tent revival, but Supervisor Bill Mayer did resign in 2019, fulfilling one of their demands.  Representative Sean Casten did perform a concert in 2019.

However, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler didn’t resign, and the village didn’t file for bankruptcy.  The future, however, is unclear and constantly changing.  For all we know, our psychic’s predictions might have prevented these events from happening.  We may never know.

With that in mind, it’s time to see what the year 2020 has in store for us.

***

Former Vice-president Joe Biden will be served a subpoena to testify at Trump’s impeachment trial.  He will be served the summons during a campaign speech, then immediately arrested by Secret Service Agents.

“You didn’t give me a chance to say yes!” Biden will say to the agents.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell will tell the press, “If I have to hear uncomfortable questions about our President, then I should be able to ask Joe uncomfortable questions too.”

The trial will end with a Trump acquittal and Republican talking heads proclaiming that Biden showed “contempt towards Congress.”  

Biden will reply: “Yeah, I have contempt for the members of the Senate for dragging my son and me into this trial.  That doesn’t mean I have contempt for the institution of Congress.  Even my old schoolmate Quaker Ottis could tell the difference, and he wasn’t a bright guy.”

The mainstream media will give “both sides” equal time, even though the Senate will never formally charge Biden with any crime.  Confused voters will turn away from Biden, ending his political career.

***

Mayor Roger Claar will formally announce his retirement and the start of his “farewell tour” during his State of the Village Address.  Many in the audience will be filled with tears as he will talk about his 34 years in office.  

Near the end of the speech, he’ll announce that he will repeal the village’s property tax.  He’ll receive a standing ovation and lots of praise on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.  

However, few will notice that he will actually change the name of the property tax to “Mandatory Village Services Fee.”  Fewer will notice that the new fee will be higher than the old property tax rate.  That will not stop Trustee Michael Carpanzano from promoting Bolingbrook as a “property-tax free village.”

***

There will be several twists and turns before the Iowa Caucuses start.  

The Russians will leak a video of Sen. Amy Klobuchar saying, “I hate Iowa’s football teams.  The Hawkeyes blow and the Cyclones suck.  You know me:  Gopher fan for life!”

When asked about the video during a press conference, Klobuchar will grab a staffer by the ear and say, “Why didn’t you tell me about this video?  Don’t give me that face, or I’ll really make it hurt!”

Billionaires will flood Iowa City and Ames with ads endorsing Sen. Elizabeth Warren thus destroying her credibility with progressive activists.

On caucus night, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Andrew Yang will be tied for first place.  There will be reports of clashes between Yang and Sanders supporters.  This will be highlighted during Yang’s victory speech when a Sanders supporter will throw a chair at Yang.

“Any process that doesn’t make Bernie President is rigged!” the Bernie supporter will yell.

***

Rep. Bill Foster will lose his primary battle to Rachel Ventura, sending shockwaves around the country.  During her victory speech, she will announce her write-in candidacy against Sen. Dick Durbin.

“I have to get to Washington one way or another,” Ventura will say.  “You can’t expect me to sit on the county board while the Earth is burning.”

Mayor Claar will announce the  Roger Claar Mayoral Library, which will be built on the site of Bolingbrook Commons.  Most residents will be happy with the announcement, but some will express concern about the 900-foot statue of Claar that will be built on the site.

“Roger has always cast a shadow over Bolingbrook,” Carpanzano, head of the Roger Claar Mayoral Library Foundation, will say.  “We just want future generations to see that shadow.”

The Village Board will approve the permits for the statue.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz will cast the only no vote and be attacked on the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group.

***

The Bolingbrook Independance (sic) Party will return, led by Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.  Kurowski-Alicea, who ran for mayor as a write-in candidate in 2009, will run on a platform that calls for banning homeowners associations and abolishing property taxes.

“Roger’s thugs tried to destroy me.  They slandered me in Village Hall.  They forced me to move to Florida.  They thought they could humiliate me in Trademark Court.  They were wrong.  I’m back in Bolingbrook, where I belong, and I’m ready to retake the office that was rightfully mine.  The band is back together, and we’re ready to take on Bolingbrook United, and the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The corrupt will be caged when I’m mayor.”

Days later, former trustee Rick Morales will announce his candidacy for mayor as a member of the Bolingbrook First Party.  Though it would mean a primary challenge against former DuPage Township Trustee Bill Mayer, Morales will say he has no choice but to run:

“Bonnie trashed me for years, and Roger always prevented me from saying what I really feel.  Now Roger won’t be holding me back.  I’m going to reclaim the Bolingbrook First party, and then I’m going to answer all of Bonnie’s false claims.  When I’m done with her, I’ll wipe out Bolingbrook United and show the First Party for Bolingbrook that it’s my turn to be mayor!”

***

After the Presidential election, President Trump and Vladimir Putin will announce a joint US-Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Days after the country falls, both leaders will announce that they “discovered” documents that prove Ukraine interfered in the 2020 election.

Trump will tweet: “The do-nothing Democrats just ruined our country’s perfect election.  So I’m doing something about it!  #Qanontime”

Trump will then order the arrest of President-elect Andrew Yang.  Yang will announce that he has set up a “second White House” and is prepared to run the country from there if necessary.

He will post: “Hey, anyone with half a brain should have expected Trump to try something like this.  Trump probably didn’t expect this:  Any member of the US Armed Forces who stands with me during this crisis will get a Freedom Dividend of $2000 instead of $1000.  #Math”

The year will end with Russian “peacekeepers” heading towards the United States, the military divided, and Claar screaming: “All I wanted to do was retire, and write my memoir!  Now I have to deal with a civil war.  Why did I ever endorse Trump?  Don’t quote me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year from the staff of the Babbler
Mayor Claar to claim all of unincorporated Will County to stop legal cannabis sales
Wereskunks urge residents to leave out extra garbage this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/1/20

US Space Force Marines deployed to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Days after Congress recognized the Space Force, One-thousand Space Force Marines marched into Clow UFO Base. They were chanting: “MAGA,” “Trump for Life,” and “Submit, don’t resist!”  These marines will use Clow as their base of operations.

During a welcoming ceremony, Bolingbrook Mayor (and Clow Administrator) Roger Claar, said: “I’ve always believed in providing the best security. Now Clow has an extra layer of security.”

The marines marched through most of Clow, including Embassy Row.  Opinions about the march varied among those who watched:

“I had to make sure I wasn’t in Earth’s past,” said Abraham, a resident of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.   “We’ve been away for centuries, but even we know that authoritarianism can lead to terrible things.”

“I love it!” said AxlJoisgo, a resident of Teegarden C.  “I’m happy to see that humanity’s hippie generation has grown up to endorse law and order!  Okay, boomers!”

First Lady Melania Trump addressed the marines during the welcoming ceremony:

“Space Force will be our country’s first line of defense against Space ISIS!  That is why I am ordering Space Force Marines deployed to every UFO Base in our great country.  The administrators have a choice: Either you will open your doors to us, or we will force them open!”

While President Trump granted Melania authority over all UFO Bases in the United States, her authority is only recognized in Illuminati controlled bases.

Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s opposition party, accused Claar of using the marines to intimidate their consulate staff:

“Our building is now surrounded by Space Force Marines,” read a press release from Bolingbrook United. “Our staff now have to pass through extra checkpoints and answer intrusive questions.  Roger, you may have won the last election, but we are still the future.”

Clow’s public relations office released a statement in reply.  Part of it read: “The marines are here to protect Clow.  If Bolingbrook United doesn’t show more respect to the brave men of Space Force, we may not respect the safety of their property or their staff.”

A few Clow employees, speaking anonymously, claim that Space Force Marines are aiming artillery at Chicago, Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base, and Peotone’s UFO Base.  Some claimed to have heard marines talk about their urban combat training.

“Unless they’re planning on attacking the Martian Colonies,” said one anonymous staff member, “I suspect they’re talking about fighting battles on Earth.  I hope I’m wrong, and that Trump isn’t going to use the Space Force to get revenge for being impeached.”

A message from Space Force Command stated that “Normies who behave have nothing to fear.”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of Clow UFO Base, and the existence of Space Marines:

“I wonder what you guys are going to do once Roger retires in 2021?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, I don’t know how you got Jackie’s secret mayoral platform from 2017.”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Let’s just say I believe in a foreign power.”

“Don’t say any more.  Okay, we’ve co-opted her Village Manager plank.  What else can we co-opt?”

“Ban political contributions from vendors who do business with the village?”

“We can do that.  They can donate to my political action committee instead.”

“End no bid contracting?”

“We can do that.  The bidding process will just waste the new mayor’s time.”

“Sell the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“(Expletive Deleted) that!”

Also in the Babbler:

 Claar supporter hospitalized after Jackie Traynere tells him he exists
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies plans to cap chiropractors in Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar: Running over liberals is still a crime
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/26/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

The network grows! (Non-Fiction)

I’d like to join PZ in welcoming four new bloggers to Freethought Blogs:

  • Andreas Avester. You may have noticed them commenting around these parts, and now they’re doing an art & philosophy & politics & social justice blog.

  • Impossible Me. Another familiar face: Abbeycadabra, writing about social justice, mental health and trans issues, broadcasting from her lair in Canada.

  • From the Ashes of Faith. Megan is a long-time blogger who is new to us, writing about mental health & parenting & atheism, naturally.

  • Scalpen. Raniel Ponteras is coming to us from the Philippines, and will be writing about the history of science and medicine.

I enjoyed reading their applications and writing samples, and I encourage my readers to check out their new blogs here.

If you want to blog here, read the About FtB section for details.  If you do apply, I want to stress that it is important to provide samples of your writing.  In my case, I only wrote the minimal information on my application, but I had years of posts at the Babbler’s old site for FtB’s members to judge.

It is a privilege to be here, and I am enjoying my time here.  I hope our new bloggers will feel the same way as well.

Note: Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Hackers from parallel universe hack into Village of Bolingbrook servers (Fiction)

Two hackers from a parallel universe hacked into the Village of Bolingbrook’s systems.

“Don’t worry,” said Blake, an IT staffer.  “They didn’t touch the garbage fee or property tax databases.  As far as we’re concerned, that’s a win for us.”

According to anonymous sources, many employees at Village Hall started receiving mysterious instant messages asking them to click on a link.  Those who clicked on the link were locked out of their applications.  A message then appeared telling them to wait for a “cool veedo (sic) call.”

“At first I thought it was a Russian ransomware attack,” said Blake.  “But when we disconnected the servers from the Internet, employees were still getting messages.  It was like the hack was coming from within our own system.”

While the Bolingbrook police started investigating people who didn’t click on the link, Alice, another IT staffer, worked on finding the source of the IMs.  “Sometimes I would find a compromised account, but I couldn’t see the activity on that account.  Then I would see activity but couldn’t trace it to an account.  It was like dealing with a quantum probability wave.”

After an hour, the hackers started a group chat.  Two masked Girl Scouts appeared in the chat window.  One of them sat in a chair and held a tablet.  The other one looked into the camera.

“Hello,” said the standing Girl Scout.  “We are the Naughty Ninjas.  We have taken over your computers.  You must give us all of your Polly Pocket toys, or you’ll be sorry!”

“Thank you,” said the other scout.  She started giggling.

“What?” asked the standing scout.  She leaned over the other scout, then turned red.  “You freed their computers, in exchange for a cat picture?”

The sitting scout nodded vigorously.

“Seriously?” said the standing scout.  “Give me that!”

The two girls tugged on the tablet for a few seconds before their troop leader walked on screen.  She said they were both naughty, and to leave the room.  Both girls pouted and walked out. The troop leader then looked into the camera and gasped.

“Jackie!  The girls did something!”

A woman who resembled Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere walked into view.  Then she leaned towards the camera: “Hello.  Don’t panic.  I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook, but you can call me Jackie.  It seems that our naughty girl scouts used our quantum computer to hack into your system.  I’m sorry about that.  It’s only supposed to access other quantum computers across the multiverse.  We don’t mean you any harm.  We’re just trying to figure out how to plow snow without burying our cul-de-sacs and destroying mailboxes.  Sheldon, can you help.”

A man who resembled Trustee Sheldon Watts walked into view, wearing a Freedom From Religion Foundation polo shirt: “Don’t worry.  I’m going to fix it, so your reality is locked out from our search engine.  I really hope you have a Richard Dawkins in your universe.  He turned my life around.”

“What’s this?” asked Traynere.  “It’s a message from Roger.  Oh my goodness.  Mayor Grumpy Pants is your universe’s mayor.”  She read another message, then replied: “Oh in our universe, you were defeated in 2001 by Mayor Ed Rosenthal.  That crazy golf club idea was too much to take.  Instead, we built a park and outdoor concert venue.  We’re hosting Ribfest next year.  Just imagine how embarrassing it would have been if Romeoville had outbid us.”

A man who resembled Trustee Michael Carpanzano quickly walked into view.  Traynere pointed at the camera and said: “Look.  We’re getting a text message from another universe.”

The man read the message.  “Really?  That low number is Bolingbrook’s  all-time high S&P rating in your universe?”

“They built the golf club.”

“Ah.  Well, I always like to see the positive side of things.  So, I’m glad you cleaned up your mess, alternative universe Roger.  Oh, Sheldon is about to disconnect us from your universe forever.  So, let me wish you the best of luck, and remember: A united Bolingbrook is the best kind of Bolingbrook.”

The video chat ended.

“That is one strange universe,” said Alice.

When reached for comment, Claar made some unprintable comments before saying: “Once the Supreme Court ends Congressional harassment of our president, you’d better hope they don’t overturn Hustler Magazine v. Falwell!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar threatens to arrest alien cannabis couriers
Peotone UFO Base bans alcohol sales
Village renews Santa’s home-entry license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/19/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Tuning out YouTube? (Non-fiction)

There’s a YouTube Walkout going on from 12/10 to 12/13 to protest YouTube’s changing their terms of service.  Great American Satan explains:

They’ve dropped some fucking egregious new terms of service, promising to delete any channel they deem commercially unviable. Since the videos disproportionately affected by this are producers of LGBT and progressive content, you know what this is really about.

Marcus Ranum writes more YouTube’s problematic aspects:

The ad-stream feeds into the unpleasant reality that it sells time to be a political platform. I.e.: whoever has money for ads now has a platform. So much for the early internet idea of making data equal. Thank corporate capitalists for that. Meanwhile, they can figure out how to deliver the ads, bill them correctly to their originator, but can’t be arsed to ban the ones that are obvious bullshit. That gives politicians wiggle-room to wring their hands and whinge about how their important message needs to be protected but the other guy’s needs to be silenced.

New FtB blogger Abbey adds some good points too:

Businesses are generally conservative, big business more so, ergo “sensitive topics” is… queer rights, sex workers’ rights, BLM, climate change, etc. Anything challenging the patriarchal status quo. Meanwhile, stuff that doesn’t make them uncomfortable – which includes transphobic and homophobic “jokes”, “race realism”, anti-semitglobalism, and so on –falls obviously under “free speech”.

I’ve active on the Internet since the early 1990s.  (Anyone remember ISCABBS?)  I remember concerns about the threat of the then rising commercialization of the Internet to the free exchange of information.  What is going on at YouTube is an example of what many back then feared could happen.  For the most part, I don’t expect YouTube to ban videos that they feel don’t earn them enough money.  Instead, I expect that they’ll continue to remove videos and ban users that bring negative attention to YouTube.  Consider the size and reach of YouTube, and its parent company Alphabet, that can be a problem.  Especially for marginalized voices in our society. I wish I had the answer, but I do acknowledge the problem.

Web Exclusive: Aliens celebrate after Village of Palatine votes to allow sale of cannabis (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base celebrated moments after the village board voted to allow the sale of cannabis.

Hundreds of aliens, who watched the meeting on a monitor, cheered after Mayor Jim Schwantz cast the tie-breaking vote.  Moments later, they started chanting, “420!”

“There is intelligent life in the northwest suburbs,” said Loapasgo, from Virgo.

“Any species can discover tools and war,” said Pogost, from Kepler-443b.  “A species that knows how to get high is a truly sentient species.”

Village Manager Reid Ottesen addressed the aliens by video chat:

“Do you guys promise not to fly while intoxicated?”

“We do.”

“Do you also promise not to get so stoned that you accidentally tell any Cook County elected officials you’re from outer space?”

“We do.”

“Then all of you are invited to the best UFO Base New Year party in Illinois!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO Base will be the only UFO Base in Illinois that will allow the distribution and possession of cannabis:

“This will give Sherman a huge competitive advantage over a certain UFO base in Bolingbrook. Legal recreational drug use should be up to each individual visitor, and not dictated by the whims of a mayor.”

He also added that aliens will be restricted to using cannabis dispensaries that will open in the North Rand Road corridor.

“We already have an entrance in that area.  All they have to do is park their spacecraft, and walk to the dispensary of their choice.  We’ll give every alien a drug test before they leave.  If they’re still under the influence, we’ll give them time to recover.  No one will be arrested.”

Goklockdock, who asked that we not name her planet, said that she will do business at Sherman UFO Base instead of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base:

“My planet’s atmosphere is 5% THC.  At Clow UFO Base, I had to fill out several forms to get THC pumped into my quarters.  Then (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would stop by and tell me sob stories about all the hoops he had to jump through just to get 2% THC in my quarters.  I had to donate to his interstellar campaign fund or his interstellar charity to get him to shut up.  Now I can stop here and buy my own THC and get the right concentration in my quarters.”

Loapasgo also plans more visits to Palatine:

“I used to think of suburbs as populated by frightened human breeders.  You know the kind of humans that say ‘Oh, do not build something I do not understand in my backyard.  I’m scared it will affect the resale value of my home.  Oh no!  Do not build new transportation routes into my community.  People with different skin complexion will come here.  Think of the offspring.’ This vote proves you suburban humans are changing for the better.”

No arrests were reported at Sherman UFO Base, but a Palatine resident claimed he saw an alien at Park Place Shopping Center:

“I was about to load my car when I saw this small thing run out of the mall.  It looked like a naked troll.  It kept saying ‘420’ over and over.  I got scared when it looked at me and stopped cheering.  After a while, it said: ‘You’re just having a bad trip.  I’m not real.’  Then it ran back into the mall.  It had what appeared to be some kind of computer on its wrist.  Maybe it was an alien.  If it is, then maybe I could be featured in the third season of Hellier.  Call me, Greg!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.