A Martian Odyssey: Part 4 (Fiction)

This is the fourth installment of this month’s chain story, written as part of our legal fundraiser. You can find Part One here. Part Two here.  Part Three here. If you enjoy the story or Freethoughtblogs in general, please consider donating to our legal fund!

Special thanks to PZ, Iris, and Abe for contributing three great chapters.


Content notice: Sci-fi themed racism and sci-fi themed transphobia.

Even at this distance, Key could recognize the aftermath of a battle.  The remains of transports littered the battlefield.  Scorch marks covered the buildings.  Rovers swarmed around the base.  Jimin’s ship, however, seemed undamaged.

Key then heard a faint buzzing sound from above.  They lifted their goggles and looked up.  Against the purple sky, Key saw three black dots.  Key pulled down their goggles and zoomed in.  Above them were three quadcopters, a model they’d never seen before.  The quadcopters quickly descended towards them.

Key dropped down from the roof and rushed into the transport.  After closing the door, Key raced to the driver’s seat and tried to start the engines.  Nothing.  Key tested the other controls.  None of them worked.

A quadcopter descended into view.  For several moments, Key stared into the lens of the orb-shaped camera attached to the belly of the copter. Key wondered if they were going to meet the same fate as the homestead.

Instead, the quadcopter floated away.  The transport started driving itself towards the base.

Closer to the base, Key saw the extent of the battle.  The transports were civilian Marsborn craft.  It wasn’t a battle, Key suspected, but the scientists trying to escape their attackers.  A few Rovers darted out of the vehicles, but hundreds of them were by the base, trying to claw their way inside.  Oddly, Key also noticed improvised patches to various breaches.  Key wondered if there were survivors inside.

As the transport approached a garage, Key noticed the remains of a military troop transporter.  The Marsborn had a small military, but it mainly dealt with raiders.  The soldiers lack the equipment and training to confront this attacker.

“Key?” asked a voice over the radio.

“Who?  Who are–”

“Follow the green line.  Jimin and I will meet you there.”

“Can I speak to Jimin?”

“Not yet.”

“Why?”

No reply.

“For your sake, I hope Jimin is unharmed.”

The quadcopters attacked the rovers blocking the garage door using an invisible beam that caused Rovers to burst.  Was it some kind of microwave beam?

After the rovers retreated, the door opened, and the transport entered.  Key didn’t see any of the base’s vehicles in the garage.  Only empty maintenance stalls instead.

Key’s vehicle stopped by the entrance to the base.  Next to the door were the bruised and broken remains of a Marsborn general taped to the wall.  Key wondered if a vehicle ran over the General.  Key slung on the energy caster and equipped themselves with flashbang grenades and a flare gun.

The transport’s door opened on its own.  Key stepped out and approached the entrance.  As Key reached for the door, the General opened its eyes. Key staggered back then readied the caster.

“Follow the green line,” said the General.

“Who are you?”

“Follow the green line.”

The General closed their eyes and fell limp.  Key noticed computer cables protruding from the back of the General’s head and extending into a crudely cut hole in the ceiling.

After powering down the caster, Key entered the base.  The stench of death greeted Key.   Key wished they’d brought something to cover their nose.  The hallway was lit only by the emergency lights.  Five lines of colored tape were on the floor.  Ahead, Key saw two more wired corpses tapped to the wall, just like the General.  As Key walked by, the corpses’ opened their eyes and turned their heads.  As Key progressed, they saw several such wired corpses.  Most were seated at desks and tables, with a few taped to the corridor walls.  Later, he was startled to see two wired corpses working on sealing a breach.  They ignored Key.

The green line ended at an airlock. Key opened the airlock and entered a pressure chamber.  After closing the door, Key walked across the room to the second door.  A gage next to the door showed that the air pressure on the other side the same as Earth’s atmosphere.  Key skimmed the instructions on the panel and pulled a lever to equalize the pressure.  Vents opened, followed by the hiss of flowing air.  As the pressure increased, Key had to close their nose and blow to relieve the pain in their ears.  When the hissing stopped, Key opened the door.

Key stepped into a room with a geodesic glass ceiling.  They first noticed a machine that resembled many of Earth’s ancient landers.  It had a white metallic sphere attached to its front.  Unrecognizable words and symbols covered the craft.  Several electrical cables, like the ones he’d seen attached to the corpse, ran from the walls to the probe.  While the probe’s design seemed ancient, Key suspected it was newly constructed.

Key briefly scanned the room until they saw Jimin submerged inside a glass aquarium filled with a yellow liquid.  Jimin, who was still wearing their dress uniform, didn’t move.

“Jimin!”

Jimin stirred after hearing Key’s voice.  They turned towards Key and smiled.  Key raced towards the container as Jimin slid the top panel open.  The fluid started to drain into several connecting tubes.  Key pulled Jimin upright, which caused Jimin to start coughing.  Key noticed knobs on the corners of the aquarium and pulled them out.  The sides of the aquarium dropped down.  Key then moved Jimin to a seated position.  Jimin bent over and coughed up more fluid.

“Are you okay?” asked Key.

Jimin took some deep breaths.  “Yes,” Jimin replied breathlessly.  “We weren’t sure when you would arrive.  So he had to put me in this thing.”

“Wait.  Who put you in this?”

Jimin coughed.  “You don’t know?”

“No.”

“Great.  This is not how I expected this trip to go.”

“Expected?”

Jimin chuckled after coughing.  “Yeah.  It’s was supposed to be a simple exchange.  But I know something was off when that General greeted me.”

A hissing sound came from the probe.  They both turned and saw the sphere opening.

“Did Ditya tell you anything about him?”

“Him?  Ditya died before she could brief me.”

“Died?  Was Alfia with her?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, This is even better!”

“What?”

“You don’t want to know.”

The cold condensation clouds cleared inside the sphere.  Key saw an alien sitting inside.  It looked like a humanoid, but its eyes were tiny.   Its skin was a faded tan color with black patches of frozen rotten flesh.  It wore a black jumpsuit with unfamiliar patches.

“What do I want to know?” asked Key.

“That’s the Earthborn’s representative.”

The Earthborn casually rose, cracking the ice that had accumulated on its uniform and skin.

“That’s an Earthborn?”

“Not exactly.   That’s the body of an Earthborn.  It’s under the control of a Chorus member.”

“Chorus member?”

“Yes, they’re the Earthborn’s thinking programs.”

“Programs?” asked the Earthborn.  “You think of us as mere programs?  Pieces of code trapped inside metal boxes?”

“You speak our language?” asked Key.

“Yes.  Though your language, like your species, has deteriorated over the centuries.  It used to have the anarchistic poetry of English.  Such a pity.”

Key pretended not to hear that comment and stepped towards the Earthborn.

“I am Key, Ranger and diplomatic liaison for Wei Crater Trading Center.  They/Their.  You are. Chorus?”

“They/Their?” The Earthborn asked sarcastically.  “Are you claiming to be a transcended being?”

“Transcended?”

The Earthborn looked at Jimin.  “Tell me there are more intelligent Martians.”

Jimin nervously chuckled.  “They’ll get it.”

“Until I ‘get it,’” said Key.  “Let me explain something.  On Mars, we consider it polite to say your name and pronouns before discussing business.”

The Earthborn paused.  “How can I put this in a way you can understand?  I am an aspect of Archive, a voice in the Chorus.  This body served a male biological function before its death.  So you can call me Archive.  He/His.”

“Archive,” said Key.  “I would welcome you to Mars, but I can’t ignore the carnage that seems to accompany you.”

“They were offerings from Losk.”

“General Losk?”

“Not anymore.  Losk refused to honor the Terrestrial Alliance.  I hope you won’t make that mistake.”

“Terrestrial Alliance?  You killed these scientists because of this alliance?”

Archive stared at Key for a few moments.  “Jimin.  Please educate this Martian.”

Jimin walked up to Key, and nervously smiled.  “Sometime after the separation, the Earthborn created several super-intelligent programs to replace their governments.  They are collectively called the Chorus.”

Archive glared at Jimin.

“Over the centuries,” added Jimin.  “They became something beyond mere programs.”

“We are sentients—neither flesh nor machine.  We can inhabit both forms, but we are neither.  We consider them canvases.”

“Canvases?  You consider us canvases?”

“I do not consider you a canvas.  Yet.   Due to the constraints of this body, I could only install a basic aspect.  Losk’s offering allowed me to upgrade myself.  Martian brains have limitations, so I need to use all of Losk’s scientists.”

“They were living–”

“Were living,”  said Archive.  “They no longer need their brains. I do.  Again, they were an offering.  If this offends your simplified understand of justice, then take comfort in knowing that I appropriated Losk’s brain as well.  Now, I need you to stop wasting our time and honor the terms Terrestrial Alliance!”

“Key,” said Jimin.  “If you give him what he wants, we’ll save many Marsborn lives.”

“You should listen to your three limbed friend,” said Archive.  “Because the Sisters do not appreciate your existence like the Chorus does.”

“Sisters?”  Key looked at Jimin.  “Who are the Sisters?”

“It’s hard to explain,” said Jimin.

“You might want to try!” protested Key.  “Because it looks to me that these…things–”

“We are not things!” Archive yelled.  “We are the Chorus.  That you would think of us as enslavers offends me!  Even if I take your limited intellect into account.  We have never enslaved humanity.  We love humanity.  We serve humanity.  They created us to protect the Homo Sapien genome from those who want to defile it.  From that command evolved our love for the true humans.  Our love commands us to provide care for humanity because they cannot care for themselves.  It compels us to purge those who want to distort its essence.  Humanity acknowledges our love and their debt to us by maintaining our physical forms. That love compelled me to travel to Mars to meet the disgusting degenerate offspring of humanity’s heretics.”

“Love?”

Jimin spoke up.  “He’s here because the Earthborn are on the brink of extinction.”

“We cannot let that happen,” said Archive.  “I will not let that happen.”

“Oh my.  You confirmed this?”

Jimin nodded. “It’s true. They’ve almost exhausted the resources necessary to sustain the Earthborn and the Chorus.  Their terraformers are breaking down.  Large swaths of Earth are uninhabitable.  Famines and pandemics regularly ravage the population.  If we don’t do something, the Earthborn could go extinct in a matter of years.”

“Why didn’t–”

“Some of us have been secretly helping, Key.  We couldn’t be open about this because, even after all these centuries, many Spaceborn will never forgive the Earthborn.”

“The Severing was necessary to protect humanity’s integrity,” said Archive.

“Regardless,” said quickly said Jimin.  “It’s considered treason to help the Earthborn at all.  I’m sure some of our leaders think that extinction isn’t a strong enough punishment.  Some of us, including myself, do not agree.  Yes, the Chorus is…unpleasant. Still, I will not let their unpleasantness condemn millions to their deaths.  Because all of us, Earthborn, Marsborn, Spaceborn, are part of the same human family.  We have to help our fellow humans.”

Archive shook his head.

Jimin continued.  “That’s what brought me here.”

Key replied, “If you believe we are all part of the same family, then why did a Spaceborn ship attack a homestead?”

“Because Mars’ representatives refused to abide by the terms of the Terrestrial Alliance,” said Archive.  “The Sisters did what was necessary.”

“Why is it necessary?”

“They were trespassers.  The treaty clearly–”

“Wait!” interrupted Jimin.  “Let me try to explain it to him.  Then we can get things back on track.”

Key folded their arms.  “I am listening.”

Jimin coughed.  “First, I had nothing to do with the bombings.”

“I can believe that,” Key replied.  “Who are these ‘Sisters’ then?”

“As I was saying, there are Spaceborn who want to save the Earthborn.  However, there are several factions among us.  Each faction has its agenda and reasons for wanting to help the Earthborn.”

“I see.”

“One of those factions calls themselves the  Sisters of the Chorus.  They don’t just want to help the Earthborn.  They have embraced the Chorus’s ideology.  Specifically, their beliefs about individual identity.”

“Go on.”

“Their philosophy is hard to explain.  They share the Chorus’s belief that each person’s identity is determined solely by biology.  Well, to be more exact, they believe our identities are based on our reproductive organs.”

“What?”

“They want us to be defined based on our reproductive organs.  That means that sole impregnators must identify as male, and offspring carriers must identify as female.

They both looked at Archive.

“Seriously?” asked Key as they dropped their arms.

Archive replied: “To ignore or devalue gender is to promote the degradation of humanity.”

“And you claim to be transcendent?”

“Key!”  said Jimin.  “The point is that the Sisters don’t just follow the ideology of the Chorus.  They want to overthrow the Spaceborn governments and turn over the Solar System to the Chorus.”

“Humans should not leave the Earth,” said Archive.  “Machines can effectively harvest the resources of other worlds.

Key faced Jimin.  “And you work with the Sisters?”

“Not knowingly.  I thought the Sisters were an annoying but harmless fringe group.  I didn’t realize I was wrong until I arrived here.”

Said Archive, “Unlike Jimin’s associates, the Sisters recognize the sins of their ancestors and want to atone for their crimes against humanity.  Their penance will be to help us secure the resources of this and other solar systems. By the terms of the Terrestrial Alliance, Mars must assist us in this endeavor.”

“What alliance?” asked Key.

“I’ll need the crystals to explain it to them,” said Jimin.

Archive walked back to the probe and picked up a metallic case.  He gave it to Jimin.

“Since you have fulfilled your part of the exchange,” said Archive.  “I give you the requested archive crystals.”  Archive walked back towards the probe.

Jimin opened the case and placed their hand in the case.  A few seconds later, they pulled out a crystal.  A holographic projection appeared above the crystal of a document entitled: A statement of Alliance between the Colonial Government of Mars and the Earth Union.

“This is it,” said Jimin.  “Before the separation, Earth and Mars signed a secret treaty called the Terrestrial Alliance.  That’s why the Earthborn didn’t attack Mars.  We’ve confirmed its authenticity.  It’s kind of long, but I can sum it up.  Earth agreed not to attack Mars in exchange for territory near the Martian North pole.”

Key moved closer to the treaty projection.  Jimin expanded the hologram to include all pages of the treaty.  Key examined the territorial maps.

Archive said: “This is the reason Earth turn the sands of Mars into a sheet of glass.”

“But this treaty was written before the formation of the Collective,” protested Key.  “We cannot be bound by it.”

“Irrelevant.  All Martians owe this life debt to Earth.  I have come to collect it.”

Key looked closer at one of the maps.  “So the sisters bombed this homestead because it was in your territory?”

“Yes.  This crew of Sisters sacrificed their lives to save Mars from the forgetfulness of its leaders.”

“Save?  Those homesteaders were innocent!”

“Regardless, more trespassers will die unless you complete the transaction.  The Sisters, through Jimin, have provided me vital codes.  I have provided Jimin with archive crystals.  All Mars has to do is give the Chorus the territories promised in the Terrestrial Alliance treaty.  We will then give you enough time to vacate them.”

“Why do you need these lands?”

“We need them to establish bases of operations.  They will be part of our effort to reclaim the solar system for humanity.”

“The Chorus wants to build military bases on Mars?”

“Correct.  We will not interfere in your internal affairs.  We will reward all Martians for their assistance.  It might also please your primitive sense of justice to know that the Sisters will leave the solar system after the war.  They will mine other solar systems to provide resources for the Terrestrial Alliance.”

Key marched up to Archive.  “If you think–”

“Shoot me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your energy caster.  Point it at me and shoot.”

“Just agree to honor the treaty!” shouted Jimin.  “You don’t want to do this.”

Key stepped away from Archive.

“Please,” said Archive.

“Since you said, ‘please.’”

Key activated the caster, then grunted as they pointed it at Archive and pulled the trigger.  The caster didn’t fire.  Key looked at the caster and noticed an illuminated red light.

Archive rushed at Key.  Before Key could reach, Archive kicked him.  The kick sent Key tumbling into the air until they collided with the wall.  Key collapsed, stunned for a few moments.  Key started to remove the caster when Archive leaped across the room.  Archive landed next to Key, then picked up Key with one arm.  The caster dropped to the ground.  Archive slammed Key into the wall, denting it.  Key felt the vibrations of the Rovers scratching outside.  Archive raise Key.

“You’re still alive,” Archive calmly noted.  “I calculated correctly this time.”

“Don’t kill him!” yelled Jimin.  “Please!  Give me a few more minutes to persuade him.”

“I don’t need a few minutes,” said Archive.  “Key just needs to understand their situation.  Look at me, Key.  This body I’m in.  It’s a corpse, but look what’s it’s doing to you.  It’s stronger and much faster than you.  You can’t hurt it, let alone reach me through it.  Why?  Because this is a human body.  The human body is the pinnacle of evolution.  It reflects the perfection of the Homo Sapien race.  This body is what your ancestors squandered.  Your ancestors’ only redeeming value was to sign the treaty.  Honor that treaty.  Honor your ancestors.  Prove to me that you’re worth it!  That all Martians are worth it!”

Archive tossed Key across the room.  They tumbled to the ground and stopped next to Jimin.  Jimin started towards Key.

“Get back!” Key yelled at Jimin.

“But–”

“Do it!”

Jimin stepped back.

Archive looked down at Key.  “Save your people.  Give us the territories, or we will crush you like the bugs you have become.”

Key pulled out the flare gun fired it.  The flare raced by Archive.

“You missed.”

“Did I?” asked Key.

Key heard a sizzling sound behind Archive.  Archive turned and saw the flare melting through the wall.

“Down!” Key yelled at Jimin.

Jimin dropped to the ground as the wall ruptured.

The rush of air pushed Archive back.  Loose cartons and debris few towards the hole.  Moments later, the air pressure in the dome equalized with the outside air pressure.

Archive straightened their stance.  “Foolish.  Did you–”

Archive stopped talking when he the increasing volume of clicking sounds.

“Move!” Key yelled to Jimin.  Jimin gasped and then ran towards Key, clinging tightly to the carton of archive crystals.

Archive turned around and saw a rover crawl through the hole.  The rover leaped at Archive.   He caught the rover and tossed it to the ground.  The rover splattered upon impact.  Some of its defensive chemicals splashed on to the probe, dissolving two computer cables.  Archive fell to the ground and convulsed.  Other rovers started pouring through the breach.

Key and Jimin ran through the airlock.

“Keep going,” yelled Key.

Jimin ran to the other door and started opening it.  Key pulled the lever, and the door began to close.  Archive thrashed at the rovers swarming on to him.  Before the airlock closed, Key tossed a flash grenade towards the caster.

“Seriously?” Asked Jimin as they shoved the door open.

“Go!” Yelled Key as they ran towards the open door.

Jimin ran into the hallway.  Key reached the door when they saw the flash.  Key dropped and rolled into the hallway.  Moments later, Key heard a muffled bang, and the building shook.  Jimin ran up to the door and closed it.

“You’re lucky–”

Cracking sounds interrupted Jimin.  Key jumped up.

“Follow the green line!”

Key and Jimin ran down the hallways.  This time the bodies remained motionless.  Crashing sounds echoed behind them, followed by the footsteps of hundreds of rovers.

“This was your plan?” Jimin breathlessly asked.

“I improvised.”

The footsteps faded as they reached the garage door.  Key rushed through the door and looked at the general’s body.  They punched the general’s face.  It didn’t move.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure.”

Key turned and ran up to the transport and opened the door.

“Wait!”  Yelled Jimin.  “Don’t go in!”

“Why?”

“Let me check something.”

Key threw the carton with the archive crystals into the transport.  The door closed, and the transport started.  Key and Jimin stepped back as it drove away.

“Typical Afia.”

“What?”

“Afia set it up so that once you brought the crystals on board, the transport would take you to a predetermined location.  They probably would have killed you after you handed them over.”

“Killed me?  They said I was the only Marsborn they trust.”

“That’s not saying much.”

Key kicked the ground in frustration.  “How did you get involved in this mess?”

“Afia recruited me.”

“Is Afia a Sister?”

“No.  Not at all.  We thought this meeting was about making the initial arrangements to send humanitarian aid.  We were going to use the information in the crystal to bribe some officials so they’d let us drop supplies undetected.”

“But if Ditya was a Sister?  How do you–”

“They didn’t know Ditya was with the sisters.  Not all cis are members of the Sisters.”

“Cis?”

“Later.”

“Later?”

“Yes.  Because I  have more important things to worry about right now.  Like warning the Triangle and persuading Afia not to kill you.”

“I think we have a more pressing issue.”

“What’s more important than–”

“How do we get out of here.  That transport was our only way out.”

“You can borrow my transport.  I’ll disable the autopilot before I leave.”

“You’re not coming with me?”

“There’s only enough supplies for one person.  Besides, I need to go back to the station.”

“You’re going back alone?”

“Of course.  Any transmission can be recorded and tracked.  That’s why we don’t rely on electronic files and use couriers instead of electronic messaging.”

“All the more reason I should join you.  You’ll need my protection.”

“You can join me later.  Right now, I need you to warn the Collective.”

“What do I tell them?  That the Earthborn are about to invade mars?”

“More like the solar system is about engulfed in war.  Tell the Collective what you think they need to know.  I trust you.”

Key paced in frustration.  “How did I let you drag me into this?”

“Because you like me.”

Key sighed.

Jimin walked up to Key.  “We’re going to fix this.  When the time is right, you can join me off-world.  Then we’ll stop the Sisters and Chorus before they can start a war.”

“But–”

“Look, Key.  You know me.  You know how much I care about Mars, and you know how much I care about you.  Key, you’re the person I know who would jump into Maat Mons to save me.  I’m the one who would sit through an entire Plutoian Consortium to save you.  You know that.  Right?”

Key looked into Jimin’s warm eyes.  “Yes,” they said.  “Yes, I know.”

Jimin lowered their head.  Key leaned forward and touched Jimin’s forehead.

“You’ve saved me so many times,” said Jimin.  “Now, let me save you.”

“Then we’ll save humanity,” Key replied.

They released each other and leaned back.

“Then we’ll save humanity,” replied Jimin.

Village of Bolingbrook pulls off remote concert for the ‘doomsday crew’ of Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The 2020 holiday season began with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base closed due to the pandemic, and its “doomsday crew” quarantining on the moon.  With support from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the Village still managed to hold its annual holiday concert, despite some on-stage drama, and technical difficulties.

Donna K. Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said: “Thanks to the Interstellar Commonwealth, we were able to lift the morale of our Doomsday Crew and provide the illusion of normalcy. Sure, we had some unexpected and unwelcome hologram-bombers, but overall, we proved Bolingbrook’s exceptionalism to the galaxy!”

For the first time, the concert was broadcast live across the galaxy. Under the direction of the Interstellar Commonwealth, it was also an interstellar fundraiser for Bolingbrook. Hosted by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, the concert featured live performances by alien musicians, hologram performances by human performers, speeches, and videos.

“A portion of every credit donated will go towards supporting our fine crew here tonight,” said Jaskiewicz. “The rest will be donated to the Clow UFO Base relief fund to help the families of furloughed employees. In case you’re wondering, the Mayor and trustees will not receive a single credit from this fund.”

“Which is too bad,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano by Holo-Zoom. “I wanted to use that money to promote myself—I mean the fine businesses suffering under this pandemic.”

The concert started with DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford announcing that she was running the Holo-Zoom connection:

“I want to thank the Village for recognizing my cybersecurity expertise.”

After the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir performance, Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta delivered a short speech urging aliens to donate:

“COVID-19 and the Governor’s restrictions are hurting our local businesses. Some restaurants are so desperate that they’re willing to risk their customers’ lives so they can offer indoor dining. This is despite being in the middle of an airborne pandemic! If I impose fines, the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce will call me the mean mom of Bolingbrook. Each credit you donate will allow Clow’s employees to shop locally, and to let me keep my reputation as Bolingbrook’s number one fun mom!”

Alexander-Basta then announced that she had secured enough doses of the Venus COVID-19 vaccine to inoculate every employee. Despite needing to be stored at 820 F and at an atmospheric pressure 75 times greater than Earth’s, she expected all of Clow’s employees to be vaccinated by the end of January and to reopen Clow shortly afterward.“Happy holidays from the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Illuminati. Fnord!”

A hologram of Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member and Bolingbrook United’s candidate for Mayor, then appeared next to Alexander-Basta:

“Actually, I helped negotiate this agreement in my role as a representative of the New World Order. Thanks to our efforts, All of Chicagoland’s UFO bases should be reopened by February. The breakthrough came when Peotone UFO Base agreed to trade its phosphine stock in exchange for the vaccine. I guess Venus has a major insect infection in its upper atmosphere.”

Alexander-Basta threatened to arrest Traynere if she didn’t log off. Traynere replied: “Looks like I have to go, but I hope you’ll remember that I’m running to be Mayor of Bolingbrook, not act like one.”

Former Mayor Roger Claar also addressed the audience. He announced that he was the spokesperson for Yugost Brewery, located on Europa. He said that a portion of the sales of their newest rum would be donated to the relief fund. He also debuted his first video commercial for the company. It went like this :

“As many of you know, I’m a fan of rum and cola. It’s hard to find the right rum to mix in, even on Earth. When I heard that Yugost was releasing a new rum to commemorate Jupiter and Saturn’s conjunction, I was skeptical.” Claar then pulled out a bottle that resembled the recent monoliths appearing on Earth, and stated: “Monolith Rum is the first rum from Europa that’s safe for human consumption.” Claar next started pouring rum into a glass of cola: “If you want to experience the next evolutionary milestone of rum, then ask for Monolith Rum.” Claar took a sip of his drink: “Wow! Just one sip and you’ll feel like a star child too!”

As musicians from around the galaxy performed, unauthorized holograms appeared on stage. A notable crasher included Al Franken, former US Senator and host of The Al Franken Show:

“It’s me! Al Franken! I’m taking my comeback tour to the stars next year. But let me say happy Hanukkah! Who wants to spin the dreidel with me? Acting Mayor—”

“I’m the Mayor! You’d better log off before I order the Men in Blue to cancel you so hard that no one will take you seriously!”

“You’re almost as funny as me: Al Franken.”

One of the most emotional moments of the concert seemed unremarkable at first. Jaskiewicz announced a mystery singer was going to perform and challenged the audience to guess the singer’s identity. When the singer walked on, Carpanzano said he wasn’t fooled by the headscarf and recognized her as Sinead O’Connor.

“Maybe,” Jaskiewicz replied.

“You’re dishonest! It’s obviously Sinead. I’ll carp you after the concert!”

“I’ve lost track of how many times you’ve carped me offline.”

O’Connor and her band first performed “Silent Night.” After receiving a standing ovation for her singing, O’Connor then sang “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance.” Near the end of the song, her background singers’ holograms morphed into images of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver and DuPage Township Ken Burgess. O’Connor then held up a photo of Benford. O’Connor’s hologram changed to resemble DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George. George then ripped up the picture.

“That’s for kicking me off the Republican slate!” He said.

A hologram of the previous supervisor’s wife appeared and flipped off Benford before vanishing.

A hologram of Bonnie Kurowski, the leader of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, appeared and pointed at Benford:

“You got censored by the board!”

“I was censured, not censored!” Benford then frantically touched buttons on her touchpad. “After I figure out how to disconnect you, I will get my revenge by sweeping the township election in April. Then I will be supervisor!”

“The Edgar County Watchdogs can’t save you now. Or should I say watchdog?”

“Who cares,” added Republican Township candidate Antonio Timothee. “Bonnie, I’m going to flame you so hard that your ashes will be burned to ashes!”

After the show, many “doomsday crew” members said they enjoyed the concert and the support they received from around the galaxy.

An employee who asked not to be identified, said: “The outside world has changed so much. Handshakes are obsolete. Most of the restaurants are gone. Being a Republican now means selfishly risking others’ lives so you can sit in a bar. Being a Democrat now means taking personal responsibility for the well-being of others. It’s such a different world out there. But when I watched our politicians argue with each other, I realized that some things haven’t changed. Somehow, I find that to be reassuring.”

Also in the Babbler:

Hanukkah Harry tests negative for COVID-19
Village of Bolingbrook issues new permit for Santa to enter homes
Humanists insist that ‘Human Light’ isn’t a celebration of spontaneous human combustion
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Winterfest is here! (Non-fiction)

Today is the Freethought Blogs Winterfest!  Please consider making a donation to help FtB pay off the legal debts amassed from defending against a SLAP Lawsuit.

These are my contributions this time:

  • I contributed to The Creative Skeptic video by TD Walker.

Check out the complete list of events, including interviews with Megan RahmDr. Sarah, and Giliell.  There will also be a live victory celebration on YouTube, which you can access from the list of events page.

FTB has been kind enough to host The Bolingbrook Babbler since 2017.  So if you like the Babbler, please consider making a donation if you have the chance to.  If not, please consider checking out the many other great blogs hosted here.  I’m sure they would appreciate your views.

 

Village of Bolingbrook rejects atheist interactive hologram holiday display (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook rejected the Church of Christopher Hitchens’ display of interactive holograms of atheist leaders to the International Festival of Lights :

“While we recognize that atheists are part of Bolingbrook’s diversity,” said a source with ties to the Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission,  “Their display was in poor taste.  To paraphrase a former village manager, atheists are already represented by the empty space around the village hall.  Adding their offensive display would mean that atheists would be overrepresented.”

David X. Silverton, leader of Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens, strongly disagreed with the decision: “We tried to be sensitive to their feelings.  We didn’t make a hologram of Hitch.  May his words slap the stupid.  This was an opportunity to give residents a much-needed dose of science and reason.  The commission caved into superstition and Trumpism!”

According to various sources, the display rotated interactive holograms of well-known atheist leaders.  It was similar to the display at the Illinois Holocaust Museum where onlookers are able to ask each of the holograms questions. However, some sources claimed that a few holograms actively heckled bystanders.

Mary, who did not want her real name published, described her experience with the Dan Barker hologram:  “We got off to a bad start when it said, ‘Happy Solstice!’ I said it was Christmas and he should get into the spirit of the season.  He laughed, and played this horrible song!  I won’t pray for his soul!  Especially after I left and he yelled, ‘Happy War on Christmas!’”

Steve Z. Gilmore claims he interacted with a hologram of PZ Myers: “I asked if he was going to swallow a package of communion wafers. He said he made his point years ago, and he’s no longer a member of the New Atheists.  Then he said he was just going to show off his new friend, Heidi.  Heidi turned out to be a spider!  I hate spiders.  I screamed and ran away.  PZ yelled, ‘Heidi, the holiday spider, only bites people who don’t wear masks!’”

Lisa, who asked that we not use her real name, found the Taslima Nasreen hologram offensive:  “She said that the Coronavirus was proof there is no God.  I told her I was Muslim and deeply offended.  She said she was offended that I was offended.  I started to educate her on Islam, but you won’t believe what she said.  She said that since she faced death threats, and is banned from Bangladesh and West Bengal, she wasn’t afraid of me boring her.  God is great, and she isn’t!”

 Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment. Her receptionist added:

“If this church is real, we might be tempted to fine them if they’re holding indoor services.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “You summoned me, Acting Mayor Mary?”

“That’s Mayor Mary,” replied a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Not until you’re elected,”

“We’ll deal with that later.  I want to talk to you about your proposed advisory questions.”

“You’re welcome.  I’m glad I was able to fulfill my contractual obligation to the First Party by giving you 20 years worth of advisory questions.  That should keep garbage toters off the ballot until at least 2041.”

“But some of these questions are outrageous!  Your ‘Fund the Police’ question not only bans cuts to the Bolingbrook Police Department, it requires the village to increase the department’s funding every year.  That means the police budget would bankrupt the village in five years.”

“Don’t worry about that Acting Mayor—”

“Mayor!”

“Whatever.  You don’t really think the point of these questions is to seek to advise from the voters, do you?  These questions are designed to motivate your supporters to go to the polls.  Think about it: Do you really think Republicans put advisory questions on the ballot about splitting Chicago from Illinois because they want to turn Illinois into Mississippi North?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  In fact, I think you screwed up when you added the cannabis question to the ballot.  That’s going to motivate more of Bolingbrook United’s supporters to go to the polls.”

“Please.  This is why I’m so glad you’re no longer working for us.  You might be full of yourself now, but you’re in for a rude awakening when The First Party sweeps the election, and shames (Trustee Sheldon Watts) into resigning.”

“No, You’ll be in for a rude awakening, when Bolingbrook Independent Voices sweeps the election.  You’ll end up covered in eagle droppings, and finishing in third place behind Jackie Traynere!”

“Get out before I put you in a time out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland UFO Bases take an extended holiday as COVID-19 devours Illinois
Zombie turkey ruins Bolingbrook family’s Thanksgiving
Interstellar diplomat claims COVID-19 originated in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Brace yourselves: The Winterfest Fundraiser is coming! (Non-fiction)

Freethought’s Winterfest!

It’s time for another Freethought Blogs fundraiser!  (We still have bills to pay!)  The main event is on 12/5/20 and the schedule is coming together.

I will be contributing to the story chain.  This time I will be finishing the story.  I hope to contribute a video to the creativity discussion, be interviewed by PZ, play Among Us, and try to survive another QI style quiz.  Let’s see what happens!

There will also be auctions.  If you like me to run an auction, let me know in the comments.

 

Meet the newest FTB member (Non-fiction)

Dan Arel, a former Patheos blogger,  just joined Freethought Blogs:

However, today I am thrilled to relaunch on Freethought Blogs and begin a new chapter in my life. I decided to keep the name, first because it still has some recognition, but second and most importantly it fits what I hope this blog will be, which is a discussion and exploration of culture, society, and humans. By this I mean, I will be discussing politics, and exploring my political beliefs. I will be discussing religion and the atheist/secular community, and I will even be discussing other passions like mine such as technology and data privacy.

It’s nice to reverse the trend of losing bloggers to Patheos.  He’ll be providing his perspective on labor issues, secularism, and parenting.

He was recently interviewed by Steve Shives:

Welcome to the network, Dan!

A Babbler Thanksgiving (Fiction)

The staff is taking the week off to prepare for a Zoom Thanksgiving.  So please enjoy what has become a Babbler Thanksgiving Tradition: Dale Onofrey’s famous (infamous?) video where he just asks questions about the holiday!

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta gives her first Babbler interview! (Mixed)

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

Out of character:  Back in October, I emailed a list of questions to Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.  I just received her reply today, and I appreciate that she took the time out of her busy schedule to answer my Babbler style questions.

When Mayor Roger Claar stepped down after 34 years in office, Trustee Mary Alexander-Basta, to the surprise of some residents, stepped up to become the acting mayor of Bolingbrook.  

The Babbler, after many calls, psychic interventions, and possible aid from an alien ambassador, finally managed to get an email interview with her.  Though it turned out to be a short interview, she did announce a major shift in the Village’s diplomatic stance towards the Martian Colonies.

The following are her replies to our questions:

Why did you volunteer to become the acting mayor?

When Roger retired state statutes require that his replacement come from the sitting board. I was voted in unanimously by the Trustees. 

In an interview with The American University in Cairo, you stated that your goals were to “maintain what was built by Mayor Roger C. Claar” and “to keep Bolingbrook a place to grow, a place where individuals or families of any size, age and nationality are able to call it home.”  Since serving as the acting mayor, have your goals changed or have you added new goals?

As Mayor those continue to be my goals. Additionally my goal is to provide more transparency, more discussion to unite residents on issues facing our community, and continued careful planning. I also plan to work with other area Mayors as well as continue to work with the Heritage Corridor and the DuPage Convention & Visitors Bureau to promote Bolingbrook 

What have been your greatest challenges during your term as mayor?

My greatest challenges have been to find creative ways to help our restaurants, hotels and small businesses survive during these unprecedented times.

What have been your greatest successes?

My successes include settling the Fire contract, getting a tree trimming project approved for the first time over 4000 trees in our village will be trimmed. Hiring a Police Chief, Hiring a Fire Chief. With the assistance of the Village’s CIO (Chief Information Officer) we continue to introduce new technology to make it easier for residents and businesses to interact with the village, report issues and monitor the status of the results. Additionally we provide more info on what is happening in the village by way of Social Media, Bolingbrook App, Brook Alerts, BCTV channel 6 & Village Website.

Will you run for mayor in the 2021 election?

Yes I announced my candidacy on Monday, November 9, 2020

Will the crew of Clow UFO Base still host the annual holiday concert, even though the base is locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic?

Just like all other community events, things will have to look a little different this year. Fortunately, the technology required to communicate in space is advanced enough to bring the concert directly to our living rooms through virtual, interactive experience.

How will you maintain peace between the wereskunks and the weredogs?

We have been in communication with the weresquirrels, and they have agreed to maintain an open line of communications with the animal space world should anything arise.

As you are aware, a secret tunnel now connects Hidden Lakes with Lake Whalon. This tunnel allows the Hidden Lakes Monster to swim in Lake Whalon.  Some people say the monster is depleting Lake Whalon’s fish population.  Do you agree the fish are depleted, and should the Hidden Lakes Monster still have access to Lake Whalon?

It’s actually a common misconception that the Hidden Lakes Monster feeds on fish. He is actually a vegetarian. He has been crossing the tunnel as they have formed an alliance against other predators. However, that passage will be monitored more closely now due to social distancing guidelines.

As many residents know, the Martian Colonial Marines have a cloaked outpost on the former site of Old Chicago.  They want to establish a permanent base and disguise it as an Amazon Warehouse.  Former Mayor Roger Claar threatened to sue the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court if they didn’t withdraw from Bolingbrook.  Will you follow through on that threat?

It’s important to remember that Bolingbrook is a diverse community that welcomes all. As long as they maintain peace and contribute to our community in a positive manner we will have no issues.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: ‘Doomsday Crew’ evacuates Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In another blow to Bolingbrook’s economy, Clow UFO Base’s “Doomsday Crew” will close the base this week and relocate to the moon.

The crew released a statement stating:  “It is not safe to keep Clow UFO Base open in any capacity.  The 19.8% positivity rate in our COVID region is too high, and although we are glad the courts dismissed lawsuits challenging the Governor’s mitigation orders, it is not enough.  With Dr. Scott Atlas’ recent threats to Michigan and the President determined to infect this country, we believe the pro-virus forces are too strong to keep out.  To protect the safety of the solar system and the galaxy, we must evacuate.”

According to Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the Interstellar Commonwealth will transport the crew to a quarantine camp on the moon.  The Commonwealth hopes the crew will be able to return to Bolingbrook by Valentine’s Day.  

“If humanity can’t get this pandemic under control,” said an anonymous employee at the department, “then our crew members have the option of relocating to zoos across the galaxy.  They could be used as part of a breeding program to save humanity.  Hey.  They knew this could happen when they volunteered.”

In addition to evacuating the crew, any alien visitors must also leave the Bolingbrook area by the end of the week.  

“This stinks,” says Xoblock, an anthropologist from Ross 128b.  “My university spent a fortune so I could personally observe how Bolingbrook residents deal with a pandemic.  I guess I’ll have to watch them from orbit, but it won’t be the same.”

In a televised announcement, Bolingbrook Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz urged residents to wear masks and to follow COVID-19  mitigation measures:  “Stay at home if you can, and wear a mask and social distance if you can’t.  Order lots of takeout meals.  The sooner we can get this virus under control, the sooner we can reopen (Clow UFO Base.)”

Trustee Sheldon Watts released a statement regretting the crew’s departure:  “God has given us the science to find a vaccine, and the strength to do what must be done to both reopen Clow, and to rebuild Bolingbrook.  Don’t be a tool of Satan.  Wear a mask to save lives and save our UFO Base.”

According to sources, the Interstellar Commonwealth will decide on issuing a “No landing” order for all of North America by Friday.  If enacted, all UFO bases in the United States and Canada would be forced to temporarily close until the start of the Biden administration.

Clow Airport will remain open.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Editorial: Will Bolingbrook’s government survive the 2021 election with three parties competing? (Fiction)

File photo of Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander Basta (From the Village of Bolingbrook.) She is running for election on the First Party for Bolingbrook slate.

by Dale Onofrey
Columnist

Since the mid-1980s, most of Bolingbrook’s elections had only one political party on the ballot.  Barring any legal actions, Bolingbrook’s 2021 voters will have a choice of three political parties, and each one will run a full slate of candidates for the village board.

Voters will choose from:

  • First Party for Bolingbrook: The ruling political party, with Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta at the top of their slate in her quest to become an elected mayor.
  • Bolingbrook United: At three years old, it’s Bolingbrook’s oldest opposition party.  Jackie Traynere, who will be stepping down as a Will County Board Member, nearly defeated Mayor Roger Claar in 2017.  Will 2021 be her year?
  • Bolingbrook Independent Voices: The new political party lead by Trustee Sheldon Watts, a former member of the First Party for Bolingbrook.

Now I’ll be honest, I think it will be a rough campaign.  There will be arguments over whether the charge residents pay for garbage removal should be called a “Garbage Tax” or a “Garbage Fee.”  There will be accusations of one party being under the control of “Roger’s political machine,” “Cook County Democrats,” or “questionable Chicago businessmen.”  I expect the First Party to claim the mantle of positivity while launching passive-aggressive attacks against their opponents.  Bolingbrook United, as in the past, will call for reforms, and opponents will demand specifics that they won’t require from the other parties.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices, I suspect, will claim they have a unique path forward for Bolingbrook.  Their opponents might point out the contradiction of claiming to be independent while belonging to a political party at the same time.  

All of the parties will be flooding our mailboxes with postcards and literature.  Their online ads will find their way to our screens.  Some of the ads will be negative.  Some of them will make us mad.  And that’s before Russian, Chinese, Pakistani, Indian, and Iranian trolls pile on.  All the negativity might make it harder for residents of Bolingbrook to feel they will survive the 2021 election.

However, assuming we’re not in the middle of a civil war or dealing with the aftermath of a nuclear war, Bolingbrook should survive the 2021 election.  Bolingbrook has had multiparty elections and village boards in the past and survived.  For example, at one point in the late 1970s, the village board was divided between Mayor Bob Bailey’s party, Trustee Edward Rosenthal’s Bolingbrook Pride party, and independent Trustee Roger Claar.

After thirty years of one-party rule, it will be disorienting to go through an election with three viable political parties.  I suppose some residents will feel uncomfortable. They will long for the days when we could just leave all the decisions up to Mayor Claar and consider anyone who disagreed with him a troublemaker.  But the truth is that Roger’s vision for Bolingbrook wasn’t the only one.  It’s just that most of the dissenting voices were silenced by the one-party system. 

In 2021, more of those voices will be heard.  Yes, it could mean ugly campaigns, and the election of individuals or slates you might hate.  But that’s what having a democracy is about.  Democracy shouldn’t be an empty term used for patriotic signaling at village events.  It should mean that the residents have an opportunity to let their voices be heard.  Making that a reality means Bolingbrook will not just survive the next election, it will thrive afterward.

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Bolingbrook rejects buying an orbital mirror
Wereseagulls endorse Sheldon Watts for Mayor
Interstellar Commonwealth congratulates President-elect Joe Biden
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.