After giving a horror author’s book a one star review, Bolingbrook resident Jeanne Z. Rushmore worried about being targeted by Internet trolls. She didn’t expect an army of real trolls to attack her home.

According to Rushmore, the trolls jumped out of primitive hot air balloons and landed in her front yard. Before they charged at her home, she moved her family upstairs and called 911.

“The operator said I shouldn’t make prank phone calls,” said Rushmore. “But I knew the Department of Paranormal Affairs would be listening to our call. I just had to hope they would arrive in time.”

While waiting for the DPA, Rushmore claimed the trolls demolished her living room and kitchen. One troll tried to climb up the stairs, but got pinned in the narrow stairwell.

“Who knows what would have happened if they were smarter?”

According to a statement released by the DPA, a cryptid strike team arrived five minutes after the phone call. The team defeated the trolls seconds later.

“The DPA keeps every resident safe from trolls and other monsters. Just remember that every time you feel like complaining about your property taxes.”

Some eyewitnesses disputed the DPA’s account. According to them, the strike team spent several seconds determining the trolls’ weaknesses.

Said one eyewitness, “They started out by playing the sound of thunder over loud speakers. One operative pulled out a knife, and his supervisor told him it was the most thoughtless thing he’d ever seen. Flame throwers did some damage. Someone on the team noticed the trolls had cybernetic implants. An EMP weapon killed the trolls. I guess Shadowrun really predicted the future.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement saying the village is working with the New World Order to investigate the attack. She also issued a warning to everyone involved in independent publishing: “I don’t care if a one star review hurts your feelings. I don’t care if I Miblart criticized your book cover design. If you send any trolls into our village, we will find you. Every Bolingbrook resident has the right to post a review on Goodreads without fearing for their lives!”

The League of Horrific Authors released a statement defending an author’s right to send monsters after reviewers: “We built our reputations on scaring readers. If our books don’t scare you, we’ll find another way to scare you! Call us selfish. Call us entitled! Call us creepy! Just don’t call us harmless!”

Rushmore says the attack will not deter her from posting reviews. “There are terrible books out there written by terrible people. It’s my job as a Goodreads reviewer to hunt them down and punish them with a one star review!”

Also in the Babbler:

Martian Colonial Ambassador named Bolingbrook’s Alien of the year
Palatine’s Village Manager approves UFO base expansion
Bears coach Matt Eberflus rejects using Chat GPT to call plays
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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