Several packs of weredogs clashed with wereskunks running a COVID pop-up testing site inside Bolingbrook Commons.  Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs (DPA) arrested 25 weredogs and two wereskunks.

“Let us be clear,” said Belinda Z. Guerra, spokesperson for the DPA. “These were very bad dogs. They attacked entrepreneurial wereskunks trying to make a profit. These dogs will be punished!”

Bolingbrook officials confirmed that the test site, which had only been opened for a couple days, was a total loss due to the wereskunks “defensive spraying.” Guerra refused to comment on the reports but confirmed that the village was working to “deskunk” the storefront. He stated, “This is the one time the village is glad Bolingbrook Commons is mostly empty.”

Peter, who did not want his last name published, witnessed the attack while waiting for a test:

“It was horrible. First, this scruffy guy without a mask was shoving a cotton swab too far up my nose.  Then I saw dozens of monster dogs charging at the clinic. The scruffy guy said I still owed him $500 for expedited testing.  Then he turned into a monster skunk and lifted his tail. I sped away before I got sprayed or mauled.”

Beth, who declined to have her last name published, also witnessed the attack:

“When the attendant pulled a testing kit out of a trash can, I was starting to have a bad feeling. However, I was desperate: All the home kits are sold out, and have you seen the waiting lists at the other places?  Anyway, the attendant turned into a giant skunk, and two giant dogs pounced on him. Another giant dog landed next to me. I screamed, but it sniffed me and said I didn’t have COVID. He did it for free and in the middle of a battle. What a nice monster dog!”

The weredogs released a statement claiming they were combating fraud:

“They weren’t testing the samples. They were stealing people’s private information and overcharging for free tests. They’re bad skunks. If the Village Board won’t stop them, we will!”

The wereskunks also released a statement claiming they are the real victims:

“Those dumb dogs attacked us because we were accepting the money and personal information residents were giving us. Bolingbrook has always been generous to our skunk cousins and us. While other suburbs encase their garbage in toters, Bolingbrook residents leave their garbage in easily accessible plastic bags. That’s why we always put Bolingbrook First!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied there was a weredog attack in Bolingbrook, or that the wereskunks were running a fake testing clinic:

“You should write about how I’m celebrating Law Enforcement Appreciation Day.  Police risk their lives to keep Bolingbrook safe.”

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer then entered the office and said: “Hey, Mayor Basta!  Great post today, but you might want to lay off the Thin Blue Line imagery. There are other ways to show your appreciation besides using a flag that’s been co-opted by white supremacists and flown at the Insurrection.”

“Out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base revokes day passes as Omicron spreads across Bolingbrook
Trustee Watts completes the Illuminati’s ‘Burning Mile’ rite
Former DuPage Township Trustee threatens to audit Palatine’s UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.