A proposed online ad for “Mythical Easter,” a movie currently filming in Bolingbrook.

Despite the threat of protests, anonymous sources confirm that the village of Bolingbrook will allow the controversial movie “Mythical Easter” to be filmed in Bolingbrook.

“Mayor Mary (Alexander-Basta) wants to revive Bolingbrook’s economy,” said one of the sources, who wished to remain anonymous.  “She thinks film production is a great way to generate local jobs and to promote Bolingbrook.  We’ll even tolerate protesters as long as they don’t destroy property, and they spend their money at any of Bolingbrook’s fine establishments.”

In the scripts obtained by the Babbler, “Mythical Easter” is the story of a “brave genius atheist scientist” named Richard who discovers that a Christian billionaire is using his technology to send actors into the past to create the “Mythical Jesus.”  The character is possibly based on Richard Carrier, a blogger and academic well known for his arguments against the existence of Jesus Christ and his questionable conduct towards women.

In the script, the billionaire, named David, explains his plan to the scientist, named Chuck:

David: Don’t you understand?  If the world finds out that Jesus never existed, there will be chaos!  Churches will go out of business. Conservatives will stop supporting Israel because there’s no point in trying to bring about the second coming of Christ if He never came to Earth in the first place. The Intellectual Dark Web will rule the world! I can’t let that happen!”

Richard assembles a “crack team” of scientists and mercenaries to defeat’s Chuck army of “mythical terrorists.”  In one scene, Richard orders a scientist to send a scroll back in time:

Larry: Why are you sending this scroll two weeks before the team’s arrival?

David: To let all the single women know when I will be in Jerusalem and what times I will be available!

Larry: Makes sense.

In the climactic scene, Richard and Harriet confront the woman about to perform the role of Mary Magdalene: 

Richard: You cannot deny my reasoning!  Join us, and we will expose the myth of Jesus’ existence once and for all!

Mary Magdalene Actress: Oh Richard!  My faith tells me I must play this role, but my heart is drawn to your superior intellect.  Your young soul makes my old soul feel hot!

Richard: It is perfectly reasonable to desire me.

Harriet: But I want to have sex with you too!  You can’t have sex with both us. Can you?

Richard: To save the enlightenment and Western Civilization, we must have a threesome!  

Mary Actress: Oh Richard! You have a well-endowed intellect!

Some local religious leaders accuse “Mythical Easter” of being a“mockbuster” version of “Black Easter,” a movie about terrorists traveling back in time to kill Jesus.  The director of “Mythical Easter,” Andy Z. Silverman, denies the accusation and claims the movie is not anti-Christian.

“Sure, all my heroes are fearless atheists, and all my villains are fearful Christians.  Yes, my atheist characters survive because they love life, while my Christian characters die because they foolishly believe the afterlife is better. However, that doesn’t make my movies anti-Christian.  A single Christploitation movie does more harm to Christianity than all the pro-atheist films combined!  Go after the production companies that make these boring drama-free Christian movies, and let me film my atheistploitation movie in peace!”

Silverman denied being related to former atheist activist David Silverman and would not confirm rumors that Michael Shermer and Carrier are producers.

Crews will be filming outside the Weathertech and Ulta headquarters.  Spokespersons for both companies refused to confirm if they paid any promotional fees to the production company.

Also in the Babbler:

President Biden visits all three Chicagoland UFO bases
Mayor Alexander-Basta vetos renaming Clow UFO Base ‘Clow UAP Base’
Church sues Bolingbrook after being denied a permit to build a mile-high cross
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/21 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.