Heidi Klum has a rival

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She’s beautiful and German. She’s also naked, with very large breasts, and she isn’t wearing any underwear — in fact, she’s posing almost obscenely, and has rather prominent labia in view. She’s also 35,000 years old and has no head.

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A few other interesting details: she doesn’t seem to be entirely naked— there are markings like bands and hatchmarks that are suggestive of some kind of clothing. More attention was paid to carving the hands, which have 5 and 4 fingers marked out, than to the head, which is nonexistent. In its place, there is a well-polished, carved loop, suggesting that she was probabl worn as a pendant. She’s also carved out of something you can’t get anymore, mammoth ivory.

These Venus figurines have been found in many places in Europe, but this is the oldest one yet discovered. You have to wonder what they were for. Crude stone-age porn, whittled out by horny, bored mammoth hunters? Fertility fetishes worn by women trying to get pregnant? Symbols of some complicated body of religious belief now completely lost to us? Imagine if, tens of thousands of years from now, archaeologists who have lost all records of our civilization were digging around in Europe and kept unearthing one of our common kinds of statuary—figures of a tormented dead man, arms outstretched, strange wounds carved into hands, feet, and side. It would probably make about as much sense as these fascinating Venus symbols.

Conard NJ (2009) A female figurine from the basal Aurignacian of Hohle Fels Cave in Southwestern Germany. Nature 459:248-252.

Cardinal Cormack Murphy-O’Connor thinks you aren’t fully human

In a bizarre conversation, Murphy-O’Connor demonstrates a Catholic version of open-mindedness: human beings must have a sense of the transcendent, and must search for god. And those atheists? “Not fully human“.

It’s not that unusual a sentiment, and I’ve heard it often. Usually it’s not said as directly; most often, the phrase is that “religion is a human universal,” or some such nonsense. It’s not often announced that I don’t qualify as a member of their species.

There is a temptation to agree with them, I’m afraid: the idea that I’m a post-human mutant bestowed with the super-powers of reason and the ability to see through superstition is flattering. But it’s not true. Everyone has those powers, it’s just that some of us have had the good fortune and a history of experience that allows us to shake off some indoctrination. Nothing more.

Also, the Cardinal’s statements are the kind of thing you’d expect from a Catholic theocracy trying to politely rationalize why they’ve put up a row of stakes in front of the cathedral.

Keck School of Medicine commencement speech

It’s been a very long and busy day here in Los Angeles — I’ve had a tour of USC, I ate a King Torta, I sat around for a long time in very warm black robes, I had a wonderful dinner with some of the faculty here, and oh, yeah, I gave a commencement speech. These events are always fun…I’m not a big fan of ceremony and ritual, but commencement is one of those events where the students can’t keep themselves from smiling, and families are all there whooping and cheering.

So, anyway, I’ve got to get some sleep, and then it’s an early morning off to the airport to fly back home, so I’m just putting my little speech below the fold.

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Oh, look! A poll!

I can hardly believe that Bill O’Reilly wants our opinion, but there it is, he’s asking, we should deliver.

The O’Reilly Factor wants to know what you think the WORST Entertainment TV show series of all time is. No news shows or specific episodes should be given as answers. The winning show may be featured in a new “American TV Icons” segment!

What do you think is the WORST Entertainment TV show series of all time?

Isn’t the answer obvious? This has to be a trick question. It’s got to be “O’Reilly Factor”.

His restriction that it not be a news show doesn’t disqualify it, since the O’Reilly Factor isn’t a news show.

Unfortunately, this poll doesn’t show the results, so you’ll be going in blind — you’ll have to cast your vote and trust that Bill O’Reilly will later report it accurately. I know, I used “trust” and “Bill O’Reilly” in the same sentence, just quit laughing, get up off the floor, and vote.

Truths that must remain unsaid

Speaking of ridiculous parsing of newspaper articles, here’s something Simon Singh wrote:

The British Chiropractic Association claims that their members can help treat children with colic, sleeping and feeding problems, frequent ear infections, asthma and prolonged crying, even though there is not a jot of evidence. This organisation is the respectable face of the chiropractic profession and yet it happily promotes bogus treatments.

The US has some deep problems with an overly credulous culture, but at least we don’t labor under the libel laws of the UK, which are destructive of the basic principles of free speech. Truth ought to be protection against accusations of libel, but a judge didn’t think so in this case — Singh was found guilty of accurately describing chiropractic claims as “bogus”.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t rush to excuse the US from this sort of thing. We do have the recent case of a California judge finding a teacher in violation of the separation of church and state for calling creationism “superstitious nonsense”. Since creationism is religious, it is now going to be protected from criticism because you aren’t allowed to say that any religious belief is wrong in an American classroom.

We are so screwed.

You can’t win

I have a…errm…reputation for offending Catholics. It’s undeserved, since I try so hard to offend everyone, but also because some Catholics are too easily offended. Can you spot the unforgivable offense the writer is complaining about in this story?

Your April 27 front page had an article, “World government race to contain swine flu outbreak.” The article was from the Associated Press.

A picture of a priest distributing the Eucharist had a caption, “Catholics who entered a closed door Mass line up for a communion wafer Sunday at the Metropolitan Cathedral in Mexico City.”

That one line drove Helen Licon to write a letter to the editor.

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Ben Stein and I have something in common

Oh, Ben Stein, I shake my fist at you in rivalry. The infamous apologist for Republican criminality, idiotic economics, and creationist inanity got to present a commencement address to a famous university.

As it happens, I’m going to be out of town for a few days now — I’m off to deliver a commencement address myself. Yes, it’s another travel day for me, I’m afraid.

Should I be jealous? Stein got to speak at Liberty University. I’m speaking at the Keck School of Medicine at USC. I might be a teensy bit ahead. After all, this is what Richard Dawkins had to say:

“Many of the questioners announced themselves as either students or faculty from Liberty, rather than from Randolph Macon which was my host institution. One by one they tried to trip me up, and one by one their failure to do so was applauded by the audience. Finally, I said that my advice to all Liberty students was to resign immediately and apply to a proper university instead. That received thunderous applause, so that I almost began to feel slightly sorry for the Liberty people. Only almost and only slightly, however.”

That’s a difference between Stein and myself. I’m the one speaking at a proper university.