Phil has conceded, and I’ve received official verification that Pharyngula is indeed the winner of the Best Science Blog award.

I have no illusions, though: this really isn’t a recognition that I have the best science blog, it’s evidence that I can put together a really good PR campaign that will turn out the vote for a meaningless weblog award. Yay! If you want a hint on how to get people riled up, though, one good way is the Pro Wrestling method: turn it into a grudge match, with lots of bellowing and thrown chairs. Phil Plait collaborated on this contrived conflict to turn out the partisans, and it worked incredibly well—he and I split 82% of the vote, leaving only scraps for the others (which was grossly unfair to them, and I apologize.)

Speaking of pro wrestling, I must remind everyone that the battle royale between us was completely fake. All that gore? Syrup and food coloring. The teeth we were spitting out? Chiclets. That attack with the folding chair? Note that I hit him with it on the flat to distribute the impact. There is no bad blood between us, I think Bad Astronomy is a terrific site that I read daily, and that I would not have been at all chagrined if the final votes had broken his way at the end. Heck, there wasn’t a bad blog among all the candidates in this category, so I would have been happy to see any of them win. Here, by the way, is the list: I think you’ll agree that I was in very good company, and that the final ranking is not an indicator of the relative quality of their science, but only of their effectiveness at vainglorious self-promotion. Read them all!

• Bad Astronomy Blog
• The Panda’s Thumb
• In the Pipeline
• Good Math, Bad Math
• SciGuy
• RealClimate
• John Hawks Anthropology Weblog
• Deltoid
• Mixing Memory

Almost all of these were already on my blogroll, so I’ve been reading them all along.

Finally, there is the matter of a little wager. I had bet that if I lost, I’d put together a post that would appeal to a bunch of space-happy astronomy freaks, and that I’d pose for the SkepDudes calendar. Phil likewise promised to praise Pharyngula on his blog and to promote me at the Amazing Meeting this January. These “penalties” were all selected in a spirit of good fun, and just to show that that is the case, I’ll be writing that post anyway, and hey, SkepChick, if you’re still interested, I’ll do the picture (that’ll teach you rude meanies who voted for me because of your distaste for my pasty-pale, sluglike body!).

This will be my last plea for your vote, to the relief of many. My next comment on this subject will be a miserable concession speech glorious in-your-face crow of triumph, after all the votes have been counted and validated. We’re behind right now, but I’m sure there will be a last-minute rush to the polls to save me.

I think it’s time to up the ante a bit. Since Phil’s doom is imminent, perhaps we need a little wager, just to make everything more interesting. My first thought was to have Phil’s penalty on his loss was to come live in one of my tanks, as illustrated here (little known fact: Phil is a very tiny man. That’s not a telescope in the infamous nude photo, it’s a ballpoint pen). But then I considered what he’d probably demand in return, and although I’m not going to lose, one should never make wagers one can’t pay—and I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life crammed in a tiny space capsule, going “beep-beep-beep”.

So here’s a different deal: if when I win, Phil has to write an article on astrobiology for Bad Astronomy, and dedicate it to ME and all the wonderful, intelligent, perceptive Pharynguloids who had the discernment to vote for this blog rather than his. In the purely hypothetical instance that Phil wins, I have to write an article on something of his choice (I’m not sure what; astronomy is so boring, so I suppose it could be on kittens or whatever. Maybe he can think of something) and similarly dedicate it to his legions of misguided fans (or perhaps, that one guy who cheated and voted 7,000 times for him).

So come on, Phil. Let’s see if you’re tough enough to take the wager.

Vote for Pharyngula (and remember, you can vote every day!). Unless you really want me to say something nice about a mob of chordates.

P.S. The fiercest contest is between Bérubé and “Spunky Homeschool”. At least if I lose, I’m being crushed by a fellow scientist…but if Bérubé loses, it will be to a defunct blog with “spunky” in the name, and the shame will be unbearable. David Horowitz will mock him evermore for it. He’ll be laughed off the hockey rink. He might change his blog name to “Spünký Bérubé”. Help the poor guy out, and vote Bérubé.

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Important Update: the terms of the wager have been agreed upon!

When I win: Phil will write an article praising the importance of biology in some way, and most importantly, expressing his appreciation of the perspicacity and noble mien of the readers of Pharyngula. In addition, in his talk at The Amazing Meeting this year, he will take a moment to further sing the praises of Pharyngula (and he must spell it correctly!) before his audience. Rah!

If Phil, by some ungodly miracle and happenstance, should win: I will write a similar article that singles out the Bad Astronomer’s readership for far, far greater praise than they deserve. My extra penalty: I will pose for the SkepDudes calendar. That last was part of my new cunning plan—I am committed now. If I lose, this body will be in the calendar, and I assure you, people opening it to that month will wonder if that is a man or a mollusc. Everyone’s going to vote for me now, lest that photograph ever be made. Mwuhahahahaha!

Pharyngula has fallen behind by almost 200 votes. Wouldn’t you know that the phylum of the rats would be up to dirty tricks, though? One of their own has confessed to cheating, and tried to spread the information. Phil, to his credit, has suppressed the recipe, but it tells you all you need to know about his unscrupulous minions.

Vote for Pharyngula (and remember, you can vote every day!). Unless you really want to read my bitter, whiny, accusatory, and self-pitying concession speech.

You don’t want to see me looking like that, do you? I don’t even know if I can fit into my plaid pinafore anymore.

The bad news: the shameless astronomer is gaining on us, and has closed within a hundred votes.

The good news: Deep Sea News has joined the scienceblogs stable! This is either a portent of the squid-fans victory, or a consolation prize that will make up for any loss.

Vote for Pharyngula (and remember, you can vote every day!). Unless you are incapable of being dazzled by carnivorous sponges.

O how desperate he has become. Phil is stripping to get votes now. I’m not going to go down that road (I’d be doomed for sure if I did), so here’s the deal. Vote for me and I’m going to expose my brain rather than my bod: I’ve got this great post on evolution of the vascular system I’ll put up later today if you good, smart people can keep the drooling libidinous minions of the Bad One at bay a little longer, and keep me in the lead. Otherwise, it’s internet memes/quizzes and photos of my cat’s litter box.

Vote for Pharyngula (and remember, you can vote every day!). Unless you hate science.

P.S. Comrade Bérubé insists that my re-education will take great strides forward if I encourage all to vote for him as the Best Educational Blog.