The apes are acting funny again

The dingbats of Arizona were up to shenanigans recently. Here they are, speaking in tongues before denying women basic health care.

Although, you’ve got to have the right perspective on this bizarre behavior. It’s just signaling to their fellow apes that they belong, and that they’re not a member of that other ape clan. We tend to overlook the weird things other groups do.

Did you know most of our legislative bodies begin their sessions by talking to an invisible being they call a god? They’ve labeled this behavior “prayer,” and most people take it for granted as a perfectly normal behavior. Some few of us, like me, have our own distinctive behaviors, like refusing to “pray,” and it sets us apart and makes us look weird to the prayer people and the tongue-speaking people.

We need to look deeper. What, besides some goofy ritualistic behaviors, bonds these people into a group? What are their goals? Then we see people like Anthony Kern and Paul Gosar behind it all, and we should recognize that it’s not the silly babbling that matters, it’s the bigotry and authoritarianism. We should read that behavior as a flag to the rest of us, too — don’t let the speaking in tongues bother you as much as the bad ideas simmering underneath.

Look at that photo. Aren’t the red baseball caps also a signal? What about…neckties?

It’s aposematism all the way down.

Great Bible, but what about the STICKY PAGES?

Which is worse: 1) the guy peddling silly Christian theology who truly believes in that nonsense, or 2) the guy peddling silly Christian theology who doesn’t understand it or believe it? For me, it’s a toss-up; #1 isn’t lying to everyone, but is still a gullible ninny, while #2 is trying to convince everyone to buy something he doesn’t think is worth it. They’re both awful people.

Now Donald Trump has become a Bible salesman. He’s selling them for $59.99. Of course he gets a cut — he’s not doing this because he wants to save everyone, but because he wants to save himself. He’s #2.

These are special Bibles, the Lee Greenwood Version. Greenwood is the folksy singer who got rich off one song, a patriotic country-western anthem that gets the good ol’ boys tearing up and cheering, while I’m leaning over to puke under the bleachers. What makes his Bible special is that it’s in easy-to-read large print (it won’t get read much, though), and also includes copies of the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, the Pledge of Allegiance, and among those immortal words, the lyrics to Greenwood’s best-selling country song, “God Save the USA.” It’s also The God Bless The USA Bible is the ONLY Bible inspired by America’s most recognized patriotic anthem, God Bless The USA. It’s not just divinely inspired, it’s Lee Greenwood inspired, which makes it just that much better.

They have a FAQ page for this grift, with one question that did set me back a bit.

WHAT IF MY BIBLE HAS STICKY PAGES?

This is not something I usually worry about when I buy a book, but it just tells you how wonderful and exciting this Bible must be.

(They say it’s just because of the gilded edges, but we all know what it’s really about…)

How to get a demented judicial system

I was curious to know who was running the Alabama Supreme Court after that ridiculous ruling that embryos are human children from conception. The chief justice is a man named Tom Parker, who is a rabid Christian Nationalist and QAnon fanatic.

During a recent interview on the program of self-proclaimed “prophet” and QAnon conspiracy theorist Johnny Enlow, Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Tom Parker indicated that he is a proponent of the “Seven Mountain Mandate,” a theological approach that calls on Christians to impose fundamentalist values on all aspects of American life.

Enlow is a pro-Trump “prophet” and leading proponent of the “Seven Mountain Mandate,” a “quasi-biblical blueprint for theocracy” that asserts that Christians must impose fundamentalist values on American society by conquering the “seven mountains” of cultural influence in U.S. life: government, education, media, religion, family, business, and entertainment.

Enlow has also repeatedly pushed the QAnon conspiracy theory, sometimes even connecting it to the Seven Mountain Mandate. Per Right Wing Watch, Enlow has claimed that world leaders are “satanic” pedophiles who “steal blood” and “do sacrifices” and that “there is presently no real democracy on the planet” because over 90 percent of world leaders are involved in pedophilia and are being blackmailed.

How do such delusional Christian zealots rise to power? He was elected by the good people of Alabama.

Confederate Outfitters issued a slate of Dixie-friendly candidates a couple years ago. It put it like this:

Tom Parker – Friend of Confederates – Ideal Candidate.

There you go. Make America Gray Again. Or at least the uniforms.

I don’t usually write opinion about candidates this close to elections. I don’t pick or endorse candidates. I don’t trust any of them because as soon as you say something nice about one they turn into somebody else.
…
But there are exceptions to rules, and if Tom Parker is anything, he’s exceptional.

He’s more Roy Moore than Roy Moore. Parker is an activist judge who made his name campaigning against activist judges. Judges who disagree with his view, as Parker put it, should be considered terrorists like al Qaeda.

Tom Parker is not qualified to judge traffic court. He’s a good ol’ boy Southern bigot, and his biases make him anti-science.

Now I have to worry about the Netherlands as well as Australia?

Actually, I can’t blame other countries for the fact that the USA is a magnet for far-right religious loonies. Of course their evangelists are going to come there — they know they’ll get some success here!

So I suspect this evangelical outreach organization from the Netherland — their statement of purpose is Convinced of God’s love for everyone, we tell stories about God and following Jesus. Stories that change lives, touch people and move them to live in love with each other — figured that not only would they go to the USA, but that they’d go to Texas, where they’d be welcomed with open arms, and get some great video footage they could use for fundraising back home. They optimistically marched a film crew into Central High School in Keller, Texas to interview students for god knows what purpose and started recording. They picked a day when the principal was not around, but they had been encouraged by a couple of school board members. We all know how little knowledge of education that politically and religiously active school boards have.

They did not get the response they expected.

Sandi Walker, a school board trustee brought an Evangelical-based film crew into the high school to conduct interviews with her. Multiple students and parents told WFAA children were filmed and interviewed by the production crew without their consent. Trustee Micah Young was also involved in the filming.

Evangelische Omroep (EO), a Netherlands-based Evangelical broadcast television network previously produced the documentary: ‘God, Jesus, Trump.’

“We don’t want politics in our kids schools,” Hawes said. “If kids wanna bring God into schools, beautiful, but it cannot be the administration. There is a separation of church and state.”

Elliot Mullaney, a freshman at Central High School said he witnessed the filming take place during his lunch hour.

“It’s an invasion of privacy,” said Mullaney. “I think that it’ll be used to spread hate and spread untrue opinions.”

Parents were pissed. These Dutch evangelists didn’t realize that while many Texans are receptive to Christianity, they are also ferociously independent and don’t take kindly to foreigners. Sandi Walker has already resigned, people are calling for the head of Micah Young, and evangelical interference in the schools has taken a small setback. That’s good — this is a school that recently voted to allow unlicensed religious chaplains free reign in public schools after a Christian Conservative PAC had spent half a million dollars to elect horrible people, like Walker and Young, to the school board.

Let’s not blame all the Dutch, though. The Netherlands has its own Bible Belt, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Evangelische Omroep was based in that.

Martyn Iles clarifies a few things

Answers in Genesis is evolving: the Ken Ham era is coming to an end, and it’s becoming the age of Martyn Iles (although I bet Ham has kept some hooks in place to yank Iles off the stage if he does anything contrary). Their new front man is another Australian with a checkered history — he became a lightning rod in Australia with a rapid rise in popularity, but was not so successful at getting anything done. “Martyn was a fine preacher, but a poor lobbyist,” said a fellow Christian conservative, and then he was kicked out of the Australian Christian Lobby.

Now he’s back!

The fundamentalist Christian organisation Answers in Genesis (AiG), which got its start in Queensland, is closely associated with the new Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson. Led by the former Queensland schoolteacher Ken Ham, AiG is part of a movement called “young Earth creationism” that preaches a literal interpretation of Genesis.

Iles’ ascent to “executive CEO” of AiG was a swift one. He spoke at an AiG event in late 2022. Then in May 2023 he was announced as chief ministry officer of the organisation, as well as leader of its Australian office.

By November he had been promoted to executive CEO – with Ham in an “oversight role” as “founder CEO” – and was being groomed to take over one of the world’s largest creationist organisations. In 2022 AiG brought in about US$62m and held US$112m in assets, according to US tax documents. The ACL, by comparison, had revenue of about A$10m in 2022.

Let us all hope he repeats his Australian performance here in America, and flames out quickly. For now, though, he has nailed his colors to the mast with an article on the Answers in Genesis website. He is loudly anti-woke. He shares this position with some prominent conservative scientists, you know.

The person who understands and believes Genesis 1–11 is woke-proof.

Such is the enduring relevance of Genesis. It has the blueprints every generation needs.

Consider the focal points of woke ideologies—race, LGBTQ, identity, environmentalism, marriage, gender, abortion, truth, power—time and time again, the answers are in Genesis.

This is because “woke” culture is an attack on the way God ordered and designed creation.

It’s nice that he’s so clear. “Wokeness” is for racial equality, LGBTQ rights, respect for an individual’s identity, pro-environment, thinks marriage is a choice, regards gender is a continuum, favors abortion rights to protect the rights of women, wants to promote truth through education, and thinks power should be shared. Anti-woke Christians are against all those things. Being in favor of LGBTQ rights and science education and the environment, to name just a few examples, is an attack on the way God ordered and designed creation..

Great. We know where we stand. God is against everything the “woke” stand for. I guess I’ll just have to be against God.

Christ, capitalism, and crime go hand in hand

When you’re watching the Super Bowl, do try to avoid the commercials. Not only is it rampant capitalism, but they’re propaganda for odious organizations. Take those “Jesus gets it” commercials:

The Servant Foundation has plunged millions of dollars into its ‘He Gets Us’ ads, which paint Jesus as an “influencer” who was “cancelled” for standing up for his beliefs. The controversial adverts were shown at this year’s Super Bowl and have been plastered across billboards in the United States over the last year.

But analysis of financial accounts by openDemocracy shows over the last five years the Servant Foundation has also grown to become the main identifiable source of funding for Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF), described as an anti-LGBTIQ hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Centre (SPLC) – an allegation it denies.

You already know that if they can afford a Super Bowl ad, they’re a poisonous organization. They’re pushing Jesus, which is about as awful as pushing heroin. Here’s a local Minnesota example, you’ve probably got these creeps in your neighborhood, too.

A former minister at a large Owatonna church has been charged with multiple felonies after a woman reported he sexually assaulted her while she was a student at the school associated with the church – and again as an adult.A second woman reported he had attempted sexual contact with her, also when she was a student.

Luverne Zacharias, 46, of Medford, faces one count each of first- and second-degree criminal sexual conduct, as well as two counts each of third- and fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct, as reported by the Steele County Times.

Zacharias was a teacher and principal at the school; the victim was about 14 years of age when the inappropriate touching began, the complaint says.

The woman told police that Zacharias would meet her in the basement of the school when she was sent to get milk for her classmates at lunchtime and during breaks. He allegedly touched her breasts and genitals over her clothing at first, doing it at least once every day, the woman said.

Zacharias would give her notes, tell her she was beautiful and that she reminded him of his daughter. He also reportedly told her he couldn’t control himself around her, and that she was “like my kryptonite.”

She reminded him of his daughter…so what’s he doing molesting her? It just got worse and worse from there.

The girl also reported Zacharias…to other church authorities. Doesn’t she know that their first thought would be to protect their own?

Court documents state the victim reported the alleged assault to pastors Tim and Cherrie Peterson. They told her they would hold Zacharias accountable for his actions, but told the victim to “think about Zacharias’s family and kids and what they might go through if she went to law enforcement,” the complaint says.

Keep that in mind when the lying Christian ads appear on your screen. Jesus chose the rapists and child molesters.

Israel is lost

The UN has a few words of condemnation for Israel.

The top court for the United Nations on Friday ordered Israel to take measures to prevent and punish direct incitement of genocide in its war in Gaza, although it stopped short of ordering a ceasefire in a case brought forth by South Africa.

“The state of Israel shall… take all measures within its power to prevent the commission of all acts within the scope of Article II of the genocide convention,” the International Court of Justice (ICJ) said.

In a sweeping ruling, a large majority of the 17-judge panel of the ICJ voted for urgent measures which covered most of what South Africa asked for with the notable exception of ordering a halt to Israeli military action in Gaza.

The court ordered Israel to refrain from any acts that could fall under the genocide convention and also ensure that its troops do not commit any genocidal acts in Gaza.

It’s something. It may be a rather ineffectual finger-wagging, but they openly state what’s obvious: Israel is a genocidal state that is killing and starving and depriving the people of Gaza of basic humanitarian aid, and should stop. Stop right now.

Unfortunately, we all know what the top genocider would say about that. Netanyahu says nuh-uh.

“The charge of genocide levelled against Israel is not only false, it’s outrageous, and decent people should reject it,” said Netanyahu.

“Our war is against Hamas terrorists, not against Palestinian civilians,” he added. “We will continue to facilitate humanitarian assistance and to do our utmost to keep civilians out of harm’s way, even as Hamas uses civilians as human shields.”

All 26,000 (so far) dead Palestinians were Hamas terrorists, I guess. Including the 10,000 dead children?

Somebody should explain to Netanyahu that even if they win on the body count score, even if they were to kill every Palestinian, they’d still lose the moral conflict, and the PR campaign. I know I’ll be voting against support for Israel whenever I get a chance.

Remember, well over a million civilians were killed in Vietnam, while about 60,000 Americans died. Who won that war?

Ken Ham is probably thrilled

There’s a new movie out, titled Fly Old Bird: Escape to the Ark, which makes the Ark Park its MacGuffin. It’s perfect. Free PR for creationism, and it’s targeted directly at the prospective clientele for Ken Ham’s fake “museum” and “theme park”: old people with dementia.

Fly Old Bird: Escape to the Ark is a heartwarming blend of comedy and drama, set against the backdrop of a modern-day odyssey. The film follows Jon Koski, a 69-year-old battling early dementia in a Michigan mobile home park. Defying his children’s plans to place him in a nursing home, Jon teams up with Miller Gibbs, a new friend with a frail heart. Their mission is to reach a life-sized Noah’s Ark in Kentucky, symbolizing a sanctuary of hope and rebirth. Their journey is marked by clever tactics, including trading cars and swapping license plates, to outmaneuver those chasing them. This film is a testament to the indomitable human spirit and the bonds forged in adversity.

“Heartwarming,” huh. If any of you have any elderly loved ones with dementia, this is a movie about your nightmares. The problem with dementia is the intermittent lucidity and the ability of the patient to make decisions that might, without malicious intent, endanger themselves and others. Well, here’s a movie that says that your old parent with reduced mental capacity is charming, and sure, let him drive off to a goofy destination, it’ll make him feel better. If he has to steal cars to do it, gosh, that’s just an intellectual challenge for him to surmount.

Their destination, by the way, is not a “sanctuary of hope and rebirth.” It’s a venal roadside attraction for exploitive evangelical Christianity.

But OK, the movie could be a story about sensitivity and the importance of human dignity, if it has a good script and talented actors. Does it? You can watch the trailer and decide for yourself.

Oh god. The main character is simply cringe. On the plus side, the first few minutes where he’s emoting to project his frustration did convince me of his dementia. Everyone else is just flat — the scene with the joke wasn’t funny. They meet an old friend and say “Hey, you’re still tall I see, huh!” and he replies “And you’re still short, ha ha ha” is a scene that will have the old people rolling in the aisles.

It’s streaming on Amazon, and I could watch it right now for $4.99. Unfortunately, that trailer convinced me that I’d be unable to sit through 2 hours and 27 minutes of that dreck, so sorry, I’m not going to review it.

Crypto is camel grease!

You say you want to go to heaven, but you’ve got all this money. You don’t know how to squeeze your camel through the eye of a needle…but have no fear! Just slather that camel in crypto and it’ll slide right on through, and the Lord won’t even notice! Just ask Eli and Kaitlyn Regalado.

A Colorado pastor who is charged with stealing more than $1m from his Christian community in a cryptocurrency scheme has admitted to the fraud but argued that God instructed him to carry it out.

Eli Regalado and his wife, Kaitlyn, are charged with creating and selling their cryptocurrency, known as “INDXcoin”, to Christians based in their home town of Denver, Colorado, allegedly telling would-be investors that the Lord had told him people would become rich if they invested, the state’s division of securities announced in a press release on Thursday.

But INDXcoin was “practically worthless” in reality, prosecutors said in the statement. Investors lost millions of dollars while the Regalados used their investments for lavish living.

They are quite brazen about it all, and Eli admits that he stole over a million dollars.

In a video statement about the charges, Eli admitted that the couple had squandered $1.3m that was raised through cryptocurrency.

“The charges are that me and Kaitlyn pocketed $1.3m,” Regalado said in the video published to INDXcoin’s website on Friday. “I just wanted to come out and say those charges are true.”

Regalado added: “A few hundred thousand dollars went to a home remodel the Lord told us to do.

“We took God at his word and sold a cryptocurrency with no clear exit.”

Regalado added that the couple still believes that God will “work a miracle in the financial sector”.

God told them to profit from a cryptocurrency scheme. God further specifically told them to spend the money on a home remodel, and jewelry, and an au pair, and of course, to spend lots of money on their church, which doesn’t actually exist.

The Regalados also pocketed at least $290,000 for their online-only church, Victorious Grace church, despite there being no physical location for it, BusinessDen reported.

They do send a little resentful that they “took God at his word.”

About nine months ago, Mr. Regalado said, the undertaking “started falling apart,” adding that he didn’t know what he was doing.

“One of two things have happened,” Mr. Regalado said, “One: Either I misheard God and every one of you who prayed and came in, you as well, or two: God is still not done with this project and he’s going to do a new thing.”

Also, it wasn’t his fault. God made him do it.

“I said: Lord, I don’t want to do this. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t have any experience in this industry,” said Eli. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to be caught up in something.”

God and crypto sure do work in mysterious ways. It always amazes me how anyone falls for either of them.