I grew up in the typical uber-conservative christian home, but always had doubts. The answers given to my questions were never quit satisfying, and always had the air of “If you pray/read the Bible hard enough, long enough, sincerely enough, you will understand!” I distinctly remember hysterically sobbing, clutching at my bedsheets, literally begging “God” to make me “feel” him like those around me claimed they could, or to understand. When nothing ever happened, I was told that God was testing me. I accepted that, begrudgingly.
Sadly, I still tried to conform– going to church, youth groups, attending a conservative Christian college, even serving as a missionary overseas. During that last experience, I had a few days where I might have actually “felt” God in my life (or what I was told was what God was like). . . . but the powers that be heard of my newfound joy and happiness and immediately called meetings about me, and emotionally and professionally ruined me. Years of church-abuse followed
I came back to the States, PISSED. I tried a non-denominational church, and while the people were nicer, I still felt that nagging sense that I just didn’t belong. I would never fit, I wasn’t good enough, I asked too many questions, I was a woman, I was a thinking woman, I was pretty– all reasons that I would never be heard, acknowledged, or taken seriously. Ever.
Finally, I realized that if my church was a boyfriend, he would be an abusive SOB, and anyone that knew and loved me would be BEGGING me to run away, run hard, just get away from that bipolar, controlling, abusive asshole. It was a eureka moment: I was in an abusive relationship!
I gave up religion, but didn’t know what else was out there. I thought I still believed in a god, something anyway. . . until I heard a woman interviewing a Catholic-turned-Atheist on the radio. And he was describing this new personal responsibility he had– no more asking God to do everything for him, now it was all on him. And while that sounded scary at first, I found the idea very attractive– you mean, I could control my own life? Sadly, it was a revolutionary thought. The interviewee also described how every day, every moment was now precious, because this life was all he had– there was no cheery there-after to lean upon. He talked about being a nicer, more generous, more loving person, because he wasn’t functioning under that huge Judgment Umbrella that Christians love so much. He sounded FREE. And while it sounded like an initially scary journey to begin, it sounded like one that would prove more than well worth the effort.
And he was right. It was interesting too, because it was only after I became an atheist that I felt all those things the Christians told me that God would bring me– happiness, confidence, a loving nature, a generous heart, the ability to see everything as beautiful, bright, colorful and breath-taking, money, respect, love from others, freedom from cruelty and abuse– the list goes on.
Suffice it to say, I am one ridiculously happy atheist!
MonZni
United States
That is a beautiful, and slightly scary, way of putting it. I might steal that metaphor.
Impossible, we are all miserable degenerates.
:-P
That was a very unique but devastatingly true way of describing what churches do to people. I’m going to remember that description and use it in my own blogging.
We do tend to cross fertilize each other. Good job. I’m happy for you.
Free at last.
Atheists are responsible for our own lives. We can’t pass the blame for our failings on gods or The Fall™ or original sin.
On the plus side, we don’t have to genuflect when we score a touchdown, either.
One of the things I’ve learned by reading peoples’ stories here, is that there’s no such thing as ‘typical’. Each one seems to offer its own set of uniquely horrible or oppressive circumstances.
I thought after reading enough of these that I’d grow tired of them at some point, and yet I still haven’t. So many of these memoirs are welcome tales of liberation, and it genuinely warms my heart to see how so many good people are allowing themselves to pursue happiness without the burdens of faith-made obloquys.
Zugswang: “I thought after reading enough of these that I’d grow tired of them at some point, and yet I still haven’t.”
Me too!
Perhaps atheists who used to be theists can better appreciate how lucky they are. I think the atheists who never had to endure intense religious brainwashing can’t imagine how terrible it is.
However if I had a choice I would have preferred to not have had that experience. All those wasted years believing in bullshit was not worth it.
It’s interesting that some people (for example MonZni) are able to figure out they were victims, while other people never grow up. Perhaps they never throw out the insanity because they are gullible cowards.
I used the abusive relationship analogy a few months ago but not with the church, with Jesus/god.
Jesus basically says “love me or I will get you tortured for eternity”.
And the
battered spousesreligionists say “he isn’t bad, he is good and he really loves us, he just does that to us because we deserve it”.I thoroughly enjoy reading PZ’s “Why I’m an atheist” series, but this story, I think, is the best one I’ve read yet. I think I like it because MonZni, in just one paragraph, beautifully describes the freedom you feel about being an atheist.
That’s a great metaphor, MoZni…it must have taken a lot of courage to break out of that amount of institutional mindfuckery. Glad youre happy now!
That’s a lot like the way I grew up, tho I was not in a fundamentalist family. In a way that was worse, because while we were supposed to follow God, we only went to church sporadically and never did the things we should have been doing (I would have made a very good fundamentalist if I could ever remember scriptures and argue myself out of a paper bag :P) So I was confused as hell and no one was giving me answers. All that seemed to be important was to just believe that He was good and that only good believers would go to heaven. For a long time I didn’t know what I was, and wandered from theist to deist for a time until someone told me what an Atheist was. I didn’t even know that was an option. Your metaphor is so apt. I hope I will remember it the next time someone tries to tell me that God is good.
Beautiful story. Thank you.
Come on, humanape, that’s a pretty harsh statement. People stay in abusive churches, relationships, hell, even employment situations for many different reasons, and as many of us know, it is hard as all hell to get out of such things. I often cry when I read the stories of those who have escaped these types of situations, because I can see how painful the slog was. I can see they gave up everything.
You can’t go judging those that don’t make it out in that way. I think that’s a pretty lame way to explain it. You can’t lump everyone together and have it be an accurate description. A little more compassion, please?
MonZni, thank you so much for telling your story. If you’d like to tell it longer and more in depth, please contact me. We know a lot of people that would love to hear it.