Kent Hovind’s infamous alma mater has put together a collection of responses because they are “under attack!” Only they aren’t—they’re being laughed at. And whoa, these pages are even more hilarious. (Warning: all of the links below go to pages that fire up some tedious piano music on autoplay…that you can’t turn off.)
The first one is offended at the falsehoods their critics promulgate. For instance, people have passed around this photo, claiming it is a picture of the Patriot University facilities:
It is a filthy lie! That is the minister’s house. To show how wrong this portrayal is, the staff at Patriot Bible University have released an official photograph of the wonderfully elegant, high-tech but traditional campus:
Well. I guess we can’t make fun of that anymore.
The second page can be summarized as “Don’t trust the internet, trust us!” They explain what is wrong with the internet:
Should you trust someone’s ‘factual’ information about morals when they post pornography, promote homosexuality, post curse words, and claim evolution as fact?
Whoa, somebody pass that along to the Intersection! I’m sure it will fit with their sentiment perfectly. Patriot University also has a simple test for evaluating the worth of a web page.
Would Jesus agree with the values and the message of the source of advice?
For some reason, this instantly stirred up an image of introducing Jesus to Dan Savage. My vision of Jesus is of an unkempt Jewish zealot with a madman’s fire in his eye and a dedication to those old testament laws, and no, I don’t think he’d get along with Dan at all — there’d probably be an impromptu stoning on the spot. But Christians always tell me that their version of Jesus is gentle, loving, understanding, and thoughtful — that Jesus would probably give Dan a big hug and thank him for his work. Which Jesus are we supposed to use in this exercise from PU? And isn’t this an admission that you’re just supposed to go along with stuff you like, assisted by the crutch of an imaginary cheerleader?
They also list the virtues of PU.
I. Patriot bases all teachings on the Bible and God’s absolute truth.
II. Patriot has been teaching God’s absolute truth for nearly 30 years.
III. Jesus said “He is the way, the truth, and the life” (Jn 14:6). Patriot believes this and follows Jesus, only.
Oh, yeah. I’m reassured.
Finally, they get around to discussing Kent Hovind.
Patriot does not retain ownership to student thesis’ or dissertations, as is commonly practiced by many schools. Instead, Patriot grants each student full control over the circulation of his/her work. Therefore, Patriot cannot release student work to the public. Patriot issues Bible degrees for the purpose of equipping students for ministry; Patriot is not a research institution.
Hovind’s dissertation was part of a graduate “project”. Thus, the paper being posted online was only a portion of Hovind’s initial research notes for his dissertation requirements. It is obviously not a finished product.
Hovind has been a prolific publisher of videos and books on topics involving Biblical Creation. He has participated in numerous video-taped debates. His work since 1991 has been widely distributed and stands on it’s own and supercedes an earlier written dissertation. There is no need to attack it and ignore what he has produced since then.
So that thesis that was posted on Wikileaks wasn’t actually Kent Hovind’s thesis. PU does not keep copies of theses, they are not submitted to any official archive, so basically, it doesn’t exist. Huh. Well, that certainly sounds professional.
That ragbag collection of noise that begins, “Hi, my name is Kent Hovind” was part of a “project”. What project could benefit from such haphazard trash, I don’t know. It clearly wasn’t a finished product. Where is the finished product? Don’t ask the degree-granting institution!
Yeah, Kent Hovind’s work since 1991 does stand on its own as rank raving idiocy. We laugh at that, too.
Strangely, this defense of Kent Hovind doesn’t mention his current residency in a penitentiary, convicted of tax evasion.
Oh Lawks! (As Gytha Ogg would say). So, in other words, “you can’t trust anyone except us, the internet is a dirty, dirty place! Some of those websites advocate tolerance!”
Who? The Jesus of the bible who advocated penury as a near requirement for entering heaven or the Jesus that exists in the heads of rich white tax-cheat scumbags?
That is one awesome looking university!
… I got nothin’ else, at least not w/ Euphemism Week going on and whatnot.
But hey, they will let me start a bible degree any time I want to. Couple of clicks of the mouse and about 1000 words of bullexcretia (euphemism week) – which I think I could just about dredge up enough of from the days when I believed it. I could be Dr.JohnM55 the nex time I post.
“External Studies Department,” eh? Gawd that photo was disheartening. So much of the factual world will be forever external to these people.
Nah, that’d be the Jebus of Matthew 10:33 thru 39 -“I came not to send peace, but a sword.” And …man against father, daughter against mother, … & so on.
Feckin’ religious eejit nutjobs.
As is usually the case, the reality is even funnier than the satire.
Brownian, OM:
Who? indeed. There are so many Jesus’:
Hippie Jesus
Warrior Jesus
Conservative Jesus
Puritan Jesus
Forgiving Jesus
Wrathful Jesus
Storyteller Jesus
Obey the Law! Jesus
And so on.
Truly, the Lord Jesus Christ has been generous in providing this magnificent building in which Patriot University can carry out His Work.
Don’t forget Supply Side Jesus!
Woo-hoo, tha’s sure as shootin’ a double-wide. I knows, ‘coz I gots relations that live in ’em in Pennsyltucky.
The Jesus of the bible who advocated penury as a near requirement for entering heaven – Brownian, OM
Nah – camels were considerably smaller in those days, and needles much bigger – have you never seen Cleopatra’s?
Is that the original crucifix cross in the background of both photos? Can I purchase a piece of wood from the one true cross at PBU?
@Caine, Fleur du mal
You forgot Buddy Christ.
I’ve thought about getting a doctorate from PU just because it would be Hella Kewl to have one!
I LOVE the use of the stock photos on the front page! Nothing says “professional degree choice” like a guy giving his thumbs up in his cap and gown!
PU indeed. And yes, I laughed hard when I saw the photo of the real stink shelter.
Went to the website and got this:
I don’t recommend their PhD program in website design.
You can, if you have Firefox, with Noscript.
Geoffrey, my little list was by no means the complete list, I expect more Jesus’s will trickle in, like Buddy Christ and Supply Side Jesus did. ;D
The split level looks better than the actual campus. At least the split level has greenery growing in front. The actual campus has brownery instead.
Well. I guess we stand corrected. Never mind.
All the other stuff aside – there is a fundemental problem with PBU tying to legitimize itself as an istitution of higher learning in any way when they don’t know that the plural of thesis is theses. “…to student thesis'” Nevermind the rest of the syntactical problems with even part of that sentence.
Caine, Fleur du mal :
And:
MC 900ft Jesus
You own personal Jesus [/Depechemode]
Collect ’em All!
Um… hell yeah?
Wow. The picture of their ‘campus’ looks like a freakin’ double-wide. Only thing missing is a pitbull in the front yard, chained to a rusted out pickup truck on four flats.
Fuck yeah!
In pharyngulaland,
the blogosphere’s not bland.
Some comment fields need eloquence,
here’s one that cries for recrudescence!
So,in Czech they say it’s hovna,
In English it is Hovind,
but it’s just one more meadow muffin with a ‘tude.
‘ere in euphemism week,
one can scarcely take a leak,
with scatologic references eschewed.
‘Ol Patriotic U.,
has not a Junior College fu,
no campus green, no campanile, a bungalow diploma mill.
A ‘Jesus Christ!’ I’ll dare,
of course I did not swear,
I merely dropped an eponym that every Xian will.
and I’ll nary raise a ruckus,
I may pivot, show my tuckuss,
but I will not with VOICE OF STENTOR speak,
it’s euphemism week!
I call dibs on Trickling Jesus! He’s got a urethra the size of a needle’s eye, and a prostate the size of a camel! He didn’t die on a cross; he lived to a ripe old age, only to succumb to loneliness and boredom in a nursing home! (Some say he haunts Florida still, whispering “I come not to play bridge, but cribbage” to believers who’ve lost their way, either through poverty of spirit or dementia.)
Brownian, OM:
Hahahahahahaha. For the laugh you gave me, Trickling Jesus&trade is all yours, Brownian. :D
Holy schnikeys. Someone should tell them about web design. Maybe give Eric Hovind a call. I mean, drdino.com isn’t that pretty, but it at least doesn’t make my /ears/ bleed.
Oh, and thank the Doctor (who I’m substituting for “God” for the Easter Season, just for fun) for AdBlock; having three tabs open with that ridiculous flash video was driving me nuts for the whole thirty seconds it was allowed to run.
Note to dipshits: no one likes webpages that make noise. No one. No exceptions.
Hey! Don’t refer to it as PU. People might think you’re talking about Purdue Uni, my alma mater dear.
/shakes fist.
“Lord Jesus Christ has been generous in providing this magnificent building…”
Show me one legal document associated with that building containing his name as a signatory.
“The second page can be summarized as “Don’t trust the internet, trust us!” They explain what is wrong with the internet…”
And they can’t see what is absolutely hilarious in that?
Far across the mighty Wabash
Something blocks the view,
There’s an old, abandoned outhouse
That they call Purdue.
Would Jesus agree with
so now in addition to WWJD… we have:
WWJAW
would Jesus agree with making silly acronyms?
I was chuckling appreciatively until I got to the last paragraph – that part made a lady snort! That corksucker is in a federal pen? Snort again! Out of the double-wide and into federal custody – sounds about right.
Ichthyic:
Don’t you mean WJAWMSA?
Apparently evolution (whoever he or she is) claims the earth is 17 billion years old.
In general atheists tend to be quite educated about the bible/religion as it makes sense to know what it is we are criticising.We all know these idiots think the earth is 6000 years old.
However it doesn’t seem to work both ways,where the hell did they get 17 billion years from.
Credit where credits due though,they have figured out that eternity is longer that 17 billion years-for a creationis thats pretty advanced.
PU? As in pee yew? Something offal is stinking up the place. A degree from PU ain’t worth sh!t, except as toilet paper.
Hey man, I got the pictures correct when I commented at length on his “doctoral thesis”, so those weirdos can go pound sand. Or nails, which I hear they’re fond of.
Yep, and I’m sure he has an 88 Magnum…it shoots through schools.
where the hell did they get 17 billion years from.
A POX ON YOU for making me wade through that site (and the insipid background music) to find where that was quoted.
what’s more, I spent actual minutes of my time trying to track down where they might have come up with the “17 billion” number… and failed.
grrrrrr.
Here are a few more details about Mr. Hovind, along with his wackadoodle theories concerning the New World Order, Jane Fonda, and the British Royals.
Peter H,
Now, be fair. Who’d possibly think the message “Don’t trust the internet, trust us!”, when disseminated via the internet, is less than coherent…
</snark>
So far we’ve got…
Hippie Jesus
Warrior Jesus
Conservative Jesus
Puritan Jesus
Forgiving Jesus
Wrathful Jesus
Storyteller Jesus
Obey the Law! Jesus
Supply Side Jesus
Buddy Jesus
But no mention of the (NSFW)Jackhammer Jesus ?
Phooey, link didn’t work.
http://www.divine-interventions.com/jackhammer.html
Again, NSFW.
Tabby Lavalamp:
You seem to have missed a bunch of posts. ;)
And let’s not forget the Piss Christ…
percyprune, the Piss Christ is not forgotten; the Jesus Who? list isn’t really about that though. Patriot U asks the question:
Varying flavours of christians all seem to have their own particular idea of what type of person Jesus was, such as the “hippie, socialist Jesus” who was all love and flowers and feeding people; other factions claim the “warrior Jesus” who was ready to get all nasty on your ass if you did wrong, etc.
Chris Hegarty @ 32:
Hmmm. We could call it PatU, as in “We’ll PatU on the head and tell you that you’re getting an education.”
And do they refer to their wonderful premises as “the campus” ? Or is it “the compound” ? Actually “the shack” would fit better.
As for Hovid’s “thesis”, I don’t see what’s wrong with the opening. It’s polite to introduce oneself. And do you realize what wonderful restraint he showed ? I’m sure he was very, very tempted to begin with “Howdy, folks!”. But he preferred a more sober phrase.
To the hippie-socialist Jesus and the in-your-face lake-of-fire warrior Jesus we have to add Kent Hovind’s tax dodging Jesus. I remember an interview with Malcolm Muggeridge in which he used the “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s” quote not as a rationale for Jesus’s followers to pay taxes to the Roman government in Judea but as a justification for compulsory military service and a rationale for “Just War”.
IanM, excellent! Yes, Tax Evasion Jesus definitely makes the cut. :D
At least it doesn’t have an istockphoto watermark, right? It’s that attention to detail that really makes Patriot University stand out as such a paragon of meticulous um, thoroughness.
Er, who was Jesus talking about, then?
Either the University has no idea how to construct a sentence including a quote properly, or their theology in the second sentence is way, way off from what the first sentence says.
Only thing missing is a pitbull in the front yard, chained to a rusted out pickup truck on four flats.
No, no, no–you really need to double-check your English-White Trash/White Trash-English dictionary again.
They don’t have trucks on flats in the front yard, but on blocks. No self-respecting redneck will have a truck with four flat tires out front. Hell’s bells, if the truck ain’t running right, or the tires/rims are shot, you can sell tires and rims to some fool or to the junk yard if you have to, for a few extra bucks. As you take off each wheel, you put cinder blocks under each hub. Or you can use bricks. Depending on what you got or can get [wink, wink].
Don’t forget Light Switch Jesus. Even more inapropriate than a fornicating yoni with excrement.
I understand the dedication to delusion inherent in this giant scheme, a desperate attempt to clear the names of their favorite liars with whatever they can pull out of their asses that would make the bad atheists stop laughing at them and bring back credibility to their fallen hero.
But I don’t think they’ve really appreciated how much fail they demonstrated. Let’s say I was to take their ludicrous attempt at upgrade seriously.
It’s a photo of a house. I don’t care what you label it as. It’s a stereotypical house. It’s obviously a place of residence. That’s not a credibility increasing sort of thing. If I was “getting a top notch education” in Biblicalism and I was going to “genuine Biblicalism classes” in a physical building of credibilityness, I’d pretty much want my money back the day I showed up for “lectures” and it was somebody’s crib in the suburbs.
That’s not professional, that’s a home business, even worse than the double wide they’re trying to distract everyone from. At least the latter looks like a conceivable work building. Not much of a one, but it at least doesn’t look like it’s someone’s home.
Note this isn’t to dismiss the idea of a home-business or an internet business whose physical location would be a joke, merely the fact that they’re pretending this atrocity is an accredited university with physical classrooms.
They actually weakened their case and they don’t realize it. Same with the shotgun blast attempt to hand-wave away Kent’s thesis. Oh, that wasn’t the real thesis, we don’t keep or publish those…
Uh, that would make you more of a joke because universities are pretty well required to keep and make public at any time the theses of its students so that anyone can check the credentials of the graduate and that of the administrating university.
So it would drop the university from one that was at least trying to pretend to an illusion of intellectual rigor to one which openly was a scam and no more a university than my unwanted frontal attachment (euphemism week).
So, by attempting to muddy the waters, they actually made themselves and their hero look worse. Good going, morans.
You got a problem with the crotch of an imaginary cheerleader?
Oh. Nevermind.
I’m pretty sure that’s Fred Flintstone’s bowling ball in the foreground of the campus photograph. Don’t think much of them if they treat their priceless archaeological artefacts so carelessly.
This much is the truth.
A minister equipped with such a degree can get a higher salary from the sort of church where the trustees like what Patriot University does.
Such a degree is a warrant of ideological fitness and probably strongly correlates with having read the Bible straight through at least once.
Jesus said “He is the way, the truth, and the life” (Jn 14:6).
Well, proper quoting of source is obviously not in the curriculum. Jesus rarely, if ever, referred to himself in the third person.
“…where the hell did they get 17 billion years from.”
The real question is where the hell did you get 17 billion from? Not one serious discussion of the Earth’s geology extends beyond 4~4.5 billion.
Something about the age of the galaxy or the universe maybe?
Everything in science that contradicts Biblical chronology is “evolution”.
Apologies Ichthyic-I’m actually off sick today,it’s not the pox though i’m just getting over a migraine.Maybe any links to a creationist website should carry a health warning.
@Peter H 62-not quite sure how to take that comment but if i’m being a bit sensitive apologies as i’m still feeling a bit fragile(see my previous comment).
To prevent anyone else from having to wade through that ridiculous site the 17 billion years ref is in the last paragraph if you click the ‘discussing Kent Hovind’ link.
Just read parts of the Hovind Dissertation. What a load of Flintstone do do. This man was a teacher, what low standards those schools must have for faculty selection.
Wait, all other things aside, we’re supposed to take seriously a university that thinks the plural of thesis is thesis’ and doesn’t know the difference between “its” and the contraction “it’s” “…His work since 1991 has been widely distributed and stands on it’s own…”
Puh-fucking-leease
Heh.
However, no false advertising …
http://patriotuniversity.org/index.php?mod=Articles&menuid=36
:)
The weird thing is that, here in the UK (where freedom of speech is taken a little less seriously than in the US), Patriot Bible University would actually be breaking the law. Over here, it’s generally illegal for any institution to use the term “university”, or purport to award academic degrees, in the UK unless it has a Royal Charter or permission from the Privy Council. This applies only to the term “university”, whereas there are no restrictions at all on the term “college”.
So if I set up an institution headquartered in a British garden shed and called it the “East Nowhere University of Applied Fairy Studies”, and started awarding “degrees” for five pounds a head, I could be prosecuted. By contrast, if I did all of the above but called it the “East Nowhere College of Applied Fairy Studies”, and awarded “certificates” instead of “degrees”, this would be perfectly legal, as the term “college” is not protected. It’s as arbitrary and bizarre as it sounds.
@pipkin1972
“…To prevent anyone else from having to wade through that ridiculous site the 17 billion years ref is in the last paragraph if you click the ‘discussing Kent Hovind’ link.”
Thank you for saving folks the embarrassment of slogging all the way to find such a silly comment should come from Hovind. I apologize if there was the inference I was challenging yourself; I was simply aghast at such a wildly inappropriate and iinsupportable assertion. While such sites are a ready source of stupid, they’re pretty much the same – after reading their anti-reality spewings one gets the same sort of creepy feeling as when observing a road wreck.
Appreciated Peter H.
You being aghast was pretty much how i reacted,although you wouldn’t think it was possible would you.As you pointed we are used to their sites/individuals churning out crap on a massive scale,most of the time we have heard it before or it’s just laughable but on a regular basis they come up with something that squeezes yet another WTF reaction out of us.
Lets face it we really are dealing with the top professionals in the field of stupidity.
#23
And why for the love of God would they make it possessive, thesis’? It’s as if they thought, “well, I don’t know how to make this word plural (and I’m too lazy to look it up), but I know I have to do something to it, so I’ll just stick an apostrophe at the end.”
That’s really embarassing for an organization representing itself as an institution of learning, especially in an English-speaking country. Or at least I’m embarassed for them. They have no shame, apparently.
University of Sacramento, run by Legion of Christ, is about as funny: It’s right next door to a Scientology hall.
It’s about 4 blocks from where I work, and I’ve walked past it several times… I didn’t even know there was a university there.
Legion of Christ… Grr, now I’m mad at myself for even bringing it up. What’s wrong with me?
Whack. Whack.
I feel better now.
MikeM
That may be the case (and frankly, if a church pays more to have Father Joe Bob because he’s got a masters in angels-on-the-head-of-a-pinology I could not care less), but let’s not forget that Hovind didn’t use his “thesis” to bolster his ministerial or theological credentials. He used it to mislead the faithful into thinking he was a paleontologist of some sort by billing himself as Dr. Dino so he could build his grand theme park for lackwits.
A close-up look at Patriot Bible University (a name that indicates they’re wrapping themselves in the flag and the Bible) via the satellite feature on Google Maps (1135 French St. Del Norte, CO 81132) suggests that:
(a) water is scarce in Del Norte;
(b) nevertheless, while PBU’s neighbors have mostly made some effort to provide a bit of landscaping to their homes, the faculty of PBU is apparently hoping to pray some into existence (or possibly hoping any kids gullible enough to attend their school can be conned into thinking Jesus would appreciate their efforts and expense along these lines. Or maybe they just like dust); and
(c) PBU has a walk score of 37 and there appears to be no bus service that goes through the town of Del Norte. PBU would merely have to institute a policy of “holding” students’ car keys to exercise a remarkable degree of control over their lives.
In Sturtevant, Wisconsin is the University of Lawsonomy, which apparently consists of a large sign.
Sorry, this is the link to the University of Lawsonomy sign.
Something about the age of the galaxy or the universe maybe?
nope.
longest projected age of uni is the current one, at around 13.75by.
seriously, It’s the ONLY place I’ve ever seen 17 billion used as the age of the earth.
seems oddly specific for something made up, but I can’t find the original source for it anywhere.
‘Tis, the University of Lawsonomy can be found at Google Earth coordinates 42º40’48.91″N, 87º57’04.05″W. It’s the building with the words on the roof. The sign is the black black band NNW of the building.
D’you know, I’d never seen that first photo. Only the real one.
Against my better judgment (hey I’m like God! I give judgements!), I clicked on the link (I hate to give page clicks to trash like that). I was amazed that
a)It was in nearby Alamosa
b)The page makes disparaging insinuations about Jezebel.
The bible does not say Jezebel was a woman of questionable character. Jezebel appears in the Jewish book of Kings, part of the Tanakh that concerns the Kings of Judah and Israel in the 9th-6th centuries BCE (predating Jeebus and xtianity by a long shot). Jezebel weds King Ahab of Israel. She gets tossed out of a window by her eunuchs where she’s tramples by horses and then eaten by dogs. And that’s pretty much it.
Whatever this (anti)Patriot claims is made up bullshit that does not come from the Tanakh. She has less to do with xtianity than Mohammad.
This is, of course, nonsense for the age of the Earth and “evolution” has nothing to say about the age of the Earth.
However, the following site suggests that the Universe could be as old as this:
http://www.nature.nps.gov/GEOLOGY/usgsnps/gtime/ageofearth.pdf
The pdf file is headed:
THE AGE OF THE EARTH
United States Department of the Interior
GEOLOGICAL SURVEY
Branch of Isotope Geology Menlo Park, California
Thus the site itself is the National Park Service and is claiming to quote the USGS. The figure they give:
So, 17 billion years could be taken as the upper “best” estimate for the age of the UNIVERSE.
Fitting to see the Bible University sitting on such a godforsaken tract o’land.