Great. It just gets more and more insane. It seems that while McCain’s side knows how to do ‘spiritual warfare’, Obama has all the witches on his side.
Minutes ago I spoke with friend Dr. Norman G. Marvin, M.D. and he is so concerned at what he has learned about Barack Obama’s family in Kenya that he is calling a special prayer meeting in his home to pray against the witchcraft curses attempted by them against John McCain and Sarah Palin.
Dr. Marvin sent me the below e-mail from Flo Ellers. Flo is credentialed with the International Fellowship of Ministries which is based in Washington State. She is also a member of EndTime Handmaidens and Servants of Jasper, Arkansas.
IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, PLEASE PRAY TODAY AND CONTINUALLY THAT ALL SUCH CURSES BE BROKEN AND SATAN’S PLAN FOR AMERICA BE DEFEATED, IN JESUS’ NAME. PRAY AND COVER MCCAIN AND PALIN WITH THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, IT IS TIME YOU LEARN!!!
Two days ago, I listened to a 9-6-08 message by Bree Keyton, a young woman evangelist who had just traveled to Kenya and visited Obama’s home village and what she found out about his relations with his tribal people was chilling. And his “cousin” Odinga was dreadful. She said the witches, warlocks and those involved in satanism and the occult get up daily at 3 a.m. to release curses against McCain and Palin so B. Hussein Obama is elected.
<Pssst. McCain supporters. Here’s the secret to winning the election: stay home for the next few weeks praying nonstop. Especially when the polls open up in November, you must stay on your knees calling on your god the entire day. Otherwise, the witches will get us.>
Pssst. McCain supporters. Here’s the secret to winning the election: stay home for the next few weeks praying nonstop. Especially when the polls open up in November, you must stay on your knees calling on your god the entire day. Otherwise, the witches will get us.
No! No! Don’t tell them that! They might do it, and then that would be the worst thing for atheists ever!
I know that religion is important in politics in United States. But I feel like it is more important in this election than in the previous ones. Am I right?
WTF, they get up at 3am!!
“EndTime Handmaidens and Servants of Jasper, Arkansas” – pretty much says it all.
I thought Palin was already prayed over to be protected from witchcraft. Did it wear off?
t shirt slogan: ‘Got faith? Dont vote. Just pray’
that could get some of them in a conundrum.
Yes relegion could be important to this election;Maybe they will stay on their knees throu-out the election and forget to vote…One could hope.
By sheer coincidence I was talking to a young English woman who identified herself as a witch the other day. She seemed unconvinced as to the merits of either candidate in the US election. Perhaps this will sway her. She may not have a vote, but perhaps the odd spell or curse might help things along. ;)
Where do they get such people?
Another thought on EndTime Handmaidens and Servants of Jasper in Arkansas.
What other American organization based in the Southern states gives its members ridiculously pompous titles and has a thing about guys from Africa hiding position of power in America?
I suspect most McCain supporters do not believe in witches, some don’t believe in “spiritual warfare” whatever that entails, just a FYI, but you already new that.
I know I certainly don’t.
It reminds me of the south park episode where Cartman has a psychic battle.
TUNDUDUDUDUN TATATATA….
True story time: There was this mottled, club-foot degenerate that frequented the message board of a close friend of mine. She claimed to be a witch that could place spells on people.
One day, after a particularly ignorant and verbose rant from her, I posted a reply that was snarky and condescending, AND SHE THREATENED TO PUT TEH SPELLZ ON ME!
So I am joking about this at work, and one of the women I worked with (now a former employee, due to an unrelated incident), got ALL worried for my safety and told me stories about how she and her church had to help a child cursed by a Wiccan witch once with days of praying, exorcism, etc.
However, since then, I have been conflicted internally about which was the more stupid:
A. Getting cursed by witchcraft
B. Getting prayers for my salvation
I have to agree with Sastra. You’re exposing our weakness PZ. Now they know how to hurt us!!
InJesus.com?
Sounds like a sleazy porn website to me….
They turned me into a newt — I got better… (Sorry, it had to be said.)
@#16:
But where do we find that many ducks and a scale big enough to hold them all?
Where do they get such people?
From the more “pro-American” parts of the country.
Perhaps they could build a bridge out of the Kenyan withes…
“I thought Palin was already prayed over to be protected from witchcraft. ”
That’s what I was thinking, too. But then I remembered that they were talking about her run for governor then, so maybe it doesn’t apply anymore.
It’s weird how, even though Christians aren’t supposed to believe in other religions, they still believe that those religions’ curses work. Why don’t they just say ‘Ha! We know that [Religion X] is false! It’s powers are useless!”?
I JUST SPIT COFFEE ON MY MONITOR SCREEN!
t shirt slogan: ‘Got faith? Dont vote. Just pray’
Good point – if they REALLY had faith, they wouldn’t try to back it up with actions, would they? Voting is just a sign that you don’t think God is powerful enough to make McCain president without your help.
“IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, PLEASE PRAY TODAY AND CONTINUALLY THAT ALL SUCH CURSES BE BROKEN AND SATAN’S PLAN FOR AMERICA BE DEFEATED”
Um, if Satan’s plan can succeed simply because not enough people pray hard enough, doesn’t that make God a bit crap? I mean, these are End Times people, right? So they believe in the coming apocalypse. Do they think it’s going to happen, but Jesus might lose?
Colonel Molerat at #21 has it spot on. Omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent god, right? So why all the fuss about some other supernatural power out there?
No kings,
Robert
My absolutely favourite line from that page:
“The occultists are ‘weaving lazy 8’s around McCain’s mind to make him look confused and like an idiot’.”
you haven’t realized yet that the fucking nutjobs only believe in what ever supports their own personal agendas?
I bet they all weat red poly blends. They need to be stoning themnselves to death.
(Fundy Christian Viewpoint On/) All witches, whether African or Wiccan, get their power from Satan, and so, their magic does work, because Satan is real and he gives his power to the witches, even if they don’t think they are worshipping him, ’cause he is the master deceiver, the lord of lies (or is that flies). (/Fundy Christian Viewpoint Off)
I do know a few pagan/wiccan types who support Obama, so it must be true! ;)
Prey against african witchcraft? Wow, just wow.
What is it with religious nuts and caps lock, anyways?
Spiritual Warfare
Is that on the approved WMD list?
@28
Actually, Satan is in charge of both lies and flies. Oddly enough, he doesn’t seem to have any jurisdiction over pies or ties.
Dagnabit, there goes another irony meter.
The other great thing in that article is that it really seems to conflate Islam with ‘African witch-doctors’, as though they believe they are the same thing.
THE DIRTY, DARK MUSLIMISTS ARE USING THEIR OOGA-BOOGA CHANTS AND ANIMAL SACRIFICES TO MAKE MCCAIN LOOK STUPID
I’d call Poe on that whole site, but there is such a huge volume of crazy that it has to be the product of a genuinely disturbed mind.
#22-Sorry about your monitor…hopefully you were drinking de-caf.
Of course they believe they are the same thing: not them.
These are among the stupidest fucking people on the planet, and that is saying something.
Just how do these people get loose?
Their attendants can have no excuse!
So, for this year’s election
I’ve got my protection–
Burnt offerings given to Zeus!
They’ve got Jesus, but I’ve got Apollo,
And a Pantheon ready to follow!
(could they be so delirious
To think that I’m serious?
There’s nothing, it seems, they won’t swallow!)
They’ve got Jesus Himself as their backer
To protect against any attacker–
But so weak is their Lord
They consider Him gored
By a rusty nail stuck through a cracker!
Ties suck — it’s quite clear that Satan does have jurisdiction over them.
Some pies too — where do you think that nasty marshmallow and sweet potato concoction presented for Thanksgiving by those with limited cuisine skills comes from?
Thighs, sighs, dies, and byes, however, are not Satanically inspired. That’s authoritative.
If getting up at 3am is part of this witches and atheist thingy then include me out. There’s only one 3 o’clock in my day and that ain’t it.
End Times Handmaidens and Servants of Jasper?! I don’t remember anyone named Jasper in the Bible. And I had no idea they had those sorts of kinky sex clubs in Arkansas.
I presume (yeah, I know that just makes a ‘pre’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’) the categories for this post are in alphabetical order and not by relevance, otherwise I think it should be listed as: Supidity, Religion, Politics.
Jus’ sayin’
Back to work, everyone.
To quote Thomas Dolby, “SCIENCE!”
Washington Post, Nov. 5, 2008:
“Spiritual Warfare Gone Wrong: McCain Campaign Felled in Friendly Fire Incident”
And they wonder why we ridicule them so much.
It’s not even 11 AM, and I need a drink.
I am British, and I have just relocated to the US. I am interested, daily, in your political system, and with this I have a certain level of concern that I have no say in the election, but I am also confused. I was unaware that the republican party required voter turn out to ‘win’ an election (at least in recent times anyway). Prayer, and ‘hanging chads’ can work miracles too.
Geez PZ, WTF? Your blogs have been really scary the past four posts. I know Halloween is coming and everything but DAMN!
Authoritarianism is kind of funny, actually. I wouldn’t want anyone with complete trust in any system to be my doctor, lawyer, etc. What is it with these groups and fear?
Also, there’s a book by Dr. Altemeyer on authoritarianism, it’s available for free as a pdf and it’s pretty damn good. It is here: http://members.shaw.ca/jeanaltemeyer/drbob/TheAuthoritarians.pdf
The main website is down, so I just had to link to the book…
I call Poe on that statement. It’s obvious that Satan is responsible for ties.
Especially when the polls open up in November, you must stay on your knees calling on your god the entire day. Otherwise, the witches will get us.
ZOMG TEH VOTER SUPPRESSIONZ!!11!1!!! ACORN is funded by atheism and elitist professors! SATAN, I REBUKE YOUR BEARD IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!
The End-Time Handmaidens and Servants have their own web site: http://www.eth-s.org/ with their headquarters listed in Jasper, AK.
I am somewhat intrigued by “Dr. Norman G. Marvin M.D.” Most physicians feel no need to doubly underscore their status and usually use only M.D. Any clue as to the nature of his education and practice? Being a physician and a fundamentalist science denier are not mutually exclusive at all but the “End times handmaidens and servants of Jasper, Arkansas”? Not exactly your county and state medical society.
Relying on faith alone is for when a child’s life is on the line.
“PRAY AND COVER MCCAIN AND PALIN WITH THE BLOOD OF CHRIST”
At first I thought “ewww”, but then I realised that wine would do the trick.
According to the kook who wrote this, Obama is using hypnosis to controlz the v0terz mindz!
It’s hard to beleive nobody’s pointed this out yet, but Obama’s “home village” is in Hawa’ii. He may have cousins or even half-siblings out there, but it’s not where he’s from.
Also, “EndTime Handmaidens and Servants of Jasper”? Perhaps they meant “Servants of Casper, the Friendly Ghost”? And nobody noticed until they’d already got business cards?
HOW DO I LEARNED SPIRITUAL WARFARE?
Attacking Obama’s family in wartorn Africa…
BRILLIANT STRATEGY IS BRILLIANT.
In fairness, I think PZ’s really only reflecting the news. Insofar as there’s been something of a general uptick in crazy, in the last little while…
Standard rhetoric about the McCain campaign’s tactics from, roughly, the Ayers stuff on has been ‘they’ve let the dogs off the leash’. We may have to amend that… to ‘they’ve let the inmates out of the asylum’.
As to how scary it is: honestly, I think we’ve always known those people were out there. They’re just getting a little more excitable this month, is all…
Look on the bright side. Now you know a little more specifically where a few more of them are, at least.
Does that mean people should spray them with communion wine? Perhaps from long range with super-soaker water-pistols or just going up to them with a bucket of the stuff and tipping it over them.
My guess is it was written by someone who didn’t know about that particular convention.
I was under the impression that Satan was Lord of Lies and that Beezlebub, the arch-demon, was Lord of the Flies.
Then there was Baal (Destruction), Astoroth (Death), and Mephisto (Hatred) to round out that obsession with having four sub-everythings (God:1 Archangels:4; Satan:1 Archdemons:4; Earth:1 Winds:4, et cetera…).
Who knows how much of that gibberish is true. Obama doesn’t have a home village in Kenya. He was born in Hawaii.
Supposedly his father was a Moslem although some claim he was a secular apathetic about it. So how can one be a Moslem and believe in witchcraft and practice it, which are pagan religious beliefs.
Fundies are just superstitious morons who make up weird lies and circulate them endlessly. Proctor and Gamble is run by satanists who put their moon and stars logo on everything, Jews poison wells with the blood of Xian babies, PZ engages in dark rituals involving crackers and banana peels, and on and on.
Besides which, if the polls are accurate, McBush/ApPALINg are going to lose. Does that mean a few Kenyan witches are more powerful than god and kid cracker?
You all better watch out. If I can stop laughing by then I am going to dress up like a religotard and come trick or treat this site on Halloween.
The size of the crazy is inversely proportional to the time from November.
A quick Google of evangelist Bree Keyton, mentioned in the article:
Know who else McCain has on his side?
Al-Qaeda.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/uselection2008/johnmccain/3238578/John-McCain-endorsed-by-al-Qaeda-supporters.html
I saw this last night and became confused, so I had to ask google how to “do spiritual warfare.” After all, IT IS TIME THAT I LEARN.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get much of an answer, but the video on the sidebar with the Christian “mime show” is worth a few laughs.
Oh, and apparently you need six magic items to do spiritual warfare. I wonder what the AC is on the Breastplate of God’s Approval?
That’s the usual attitude of European Christians, Jehovah’s Witnesses maybe excepted (I don’t know). But a surprising proportion of American fundies has kept the ancient attitude instead: everything that has ever been worshipped really does exist and, with the exception of their own trinity + angels, just happens to be a crafty demon, whom to worship is not a waste of time or something, but positively dangerous because it somehow helps said demon (or rather his master, Satan) take over the world and drag people to hell. These people are not “atheists about all gods except one”, and they have not seen the video of the Laughing Atheist (remember? Om lingalingalingalinga, kilikilikili…); if they’d watch it, they’d be very, very, very surprised by the outcome.
When I was involved with these Christian types, I don’t think anyone actually got the gruesome image of “covering subject A in the blood of Christ” when they invoked it. It’s a whole lot of buzzy jargon.
Second point… uh… racist much? They made a direct leap from African to Witch Doctor/fill in the blank scary occult nonsense.
My website design skills are crappy. Anyone want to pitch in and help me set up a Poe website and email campaign that will ACTUALLY convince people to pray instead of vote?
I’ve never read the Bible, so familiarity with scripture would be a plus.
As happy as I am to be Canadian, I’m almost sorry that I have to miss out on the election insanity you folks have to put up with south of the border. Oh, sure, we have the odd guy who professes that homosexuals ought to be executed, but in general, main candidates and their supporters don’t do much in the way of spewing their religious venom on the secular portion of society.
This was my favorite. The version I heard was that you could draw 666 through the nine stars in the logo, and that made it Satanic. I challenge anyone to position three points that you can’t draw a six through.
I know it shouldn’t, but it always surprises me how willing the bleevers are to Just Make Shit UpTM to support their cause.
I have to go chant for my sanity now….
More Theothuglican nonsense. I see it often from fundies and their
warlocksministers. She is stating that god is a GOP member who is going to vote for McBush/apPALINg.Where in the bible is that verse located?
I happen to know that god is Green party member and ya’ll are going to be surprised on election night. The cracker kid is not but he was fed to a duck by a pagan and isn’t even going to vote.
PS All this babbling about Spiritual Warfare, witches, and curses is just primitive witchcraft dressed up in lipstick and wacko Death Cult xianity.
I keep hoping it’s all some sort of vast parody, or inexplicably motivated performance art, like the teams that make the crop circles.
A dangerous phenomena because there’s always the possibility of a singularity of complete batshit bonkerness in the nanoseconds just before election day. And there’s always a residue.
Yeah. Math humor. I has the lame. :-
not sure how credible this is but the sources seem legitimate. it does not reference the witchcraft claims, though.
Jihad fantasies of Obama, Dick Morris and Kenya
3am! That is evil! Waking up before 7am is against my areligion.
Oh boy. I suppose if Obama wins, they’ll all be talking about how he’s the anti-Christ, come to bring witchcraft and devil worship to the country.
Oh wait…they’re already doing that. :-/
PRAY AND COVER MCCAIN AND PALIN WITH THE BLOOD OF CHRIST
You know, I’d happily utter some kind of prayer or two if as a a result I got to see the pair drenched in the blood of Christ. I suppose the joke would be on me, though, if Sarah then got all Carrie-at-the-end-of-the-movie on my ass.
Witches in Africa? Is there a lost tribe of Celts that ended up down there or something?
“Handmaidens” as Margaret Atwood would use the term?
And the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. We’re through the looking glass, here, people…
I bet that Jasper makes his servant Flo do some really freaky stuff in teh humid Arkansas nights.
Quiet Desperation:
Not according to the latest poles.
Et moi.
Damn! I forgot to put some random (!)’s in my comment.
Some batshit crazy conspiracy theorist I am…
Come on. This is becoming unsulting. What they are going to bring out next ? Than the barack obama family in Iran eats babies in their satanic rites ? Geez. Unsavoury…
First I thought you were talking about a computer game. Then I moused over the link, and my day was saved.
Why am I not surprised.
I have to disagree on at least one point. I have many, many dice for playing RPGs, such as the Satanically-inspired Dungeons & Dragons. Each and every die is therefore under the Devil’s control.
My take; this has nothing to do with religion, but the use of religion as a shield for simple racism.
Obama has black skin and is related both directly and indirectly to people who are not Christian. This makes him ‘unAmerican’ and ‘unChristian’.
By using a fundie aversion to ‘withcraft’ and islam, these numnuts can hide their racism behind ‘wholesome small town Christian American values’.
Hey Flo,
where’s my goddamn dinner?! Stop babbling about witch doctors and get back into the goddamn kitchen where you belong!!!
— Your Master
If you put them in a straight line going diagonally to the right like the forward-slash character ‘/’ at a low-enough slope it will only be possible to draw the 6 shape in the wrong orientation – such that it’s no longer really a 6 but more of a yang-yin or eye-of-horus or whatever. Besides which, for that particular piece of mythology they shouldn’t be using modern Indian-Arabic (hindu or muslim?!) numerals at all. That’s just typical fundy moronism. Whatever happened to caring about the original Hebrew or Latin rather than the “original” English KJV …
Not to go off on a tangent, but the sines are there if you know where to look.
@65:
I have a vorpal greatsword +3 that will cut right through the damage reduction on that magic Jebus breastplate. Hey, as long as we’re playing make-believe, right? Besides, these crazies seem so muddled and insecure in their beliefs that they actually feel threatened by the nonsense of others.
More seriously, I noticed that one of the magic items was the Helm of Salvation, which “protects our minds from doubting God’s saving work for us.” In other words, intellectual blinders, or boards over the doors and windows of your mind. So sad.
They put the Procter and Gamble sixes through worse torture than that and still called them sixes. I’m convinced that even if one of them was closer to a 9 than a 6 they’d have still called it a six and claimed that because it was upside down it was more evil.
It’s weird how effective the witchcraft is in making McCain look stupid.
How come the omnipotent god can’t block the voodoo and stop him from looking like a total jerk?
You normal, sensible Americans have my sympathy.
Where? Kill ’em!!!!!
Dr. Norman G. Marvin, M.D…….Flo Ellers……Bree Keyton. These all sound like names straight from my spam folder.
Alright! Stop this thread! It has gotten way too silly!
So wait, does this mean that if McCain losses, praying in Jesus’s name doesn’t work?
If they use spiritful warfarin instead it will be much easier to get McCain and Palin covered in that blood they want (ie if communion wine isn’t good enough or actually starts taking on some of the properties of real blood when all their magic Roman spells are being cast at it). Being thinner it will spread more easily and won’t clot in the nozzle of the water-pistol.
Oh, the poor thing. Doesn’t he watch any Roger Corman films? As always, whenever it seems that a whole host of demons is arrayed against you, it’s really an illusion, due to the spells of that one powerful enemy who you first must identify before you can fight.
So burn me if you can, Jim Bramlett! I am teh witch!
So I get up and shimmy-shimmy for Obama with Captain Howdy and Kenneth Anger and, and… and FRIDA KAHLO and the whole Anton LaVey drum circle!
I read surrealist poetry aloud into the minds of innocent sleeping babes! Booga, booga!
Come after me if you dare, Jim Bramlett! Wage your spiritual warfare! It’s no match for my total destructo librarian power! I’ll file your prayers away like a vandalized card catalog! I’ll iron your shirts proper! And just so you know – there are witches for McCain! Ha ha! You cannot escape.
(I mean, how do you think that zombie is able to run for President in the first place if he wasn’t propped up by witchcraft, too?)
And when Obama gets in, in exchange for all my spells on his behalf, he must change the date of Election Day to my favorite holiday, which is (guess) Halloween.
And that’s only the beginning! Just imagine my other demands from Obama, such as combining National Bayer Day (National Prayer Day) with International Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day! Imagine all spiritual leaders who give public prayers and invocations being required by Executive Order to belch their recitations! Bwa hah, there’s no end to my demands! BOOGA BOOGA!
You know, I am still dumbstruck by this. How can anyone read this and not think these people are batshit fucking insane?
Spiritual warfare against Kenyan witchcraft? Really?
No, seriously, really?
You honestly believe that? Are you nuts?
“Flo is credentialed with the International Fellowship of Ministries which is based in Washington State.”
Credentialed? Credentialed? What the eff does that mean?
This has gone beyond unreal. It’s not funny anymore! Please stop, you’re scaring us!
Verbing weirds language.
“COVER MCCAIN AND PALIN WITH THE BLOOD”
Wait, is it the witch doctors who sprinkle people with blood in their rites, or the Christians? I’m confused.
“So wait, does this mean that if McCain losses, praying in Jesus’s name doesn’t work?” #96
No silly, it’s just that not enough fuckwits prayed.
Mind you, that does beg the question; is it worth while one fuckwit bothering to pray for anything on their own?
Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that one.
We’re cornered, I tell you. Cornered.
I figured out years ago that belief in spirit worlds leads to crap like this. Just think it over: Assume there is a spirit world, and there’s simply no way it cannot lead to things like EndTimes Handmaidens. There’s really no other possible outcome.
What percentage of Americans believes in a spirit world?
I’m back to, “We’re cornered.”
The stupid, it burns.
And does Jim Bramlett think that his angels singing caught on tape is going to protect him from me? Does he? Oh, poor naive Christian!
I’ve never gotten the whole intercessory prayer thing. Where I live there is a slogan you see from time to time on a yard sign or bumper sticker: “Pray to end abortion.”
God is supposed to hate abortion, and he’s omnipotent, which means he could end abortion whenever he pleases (one good way would be to change our biology so that women only got pregnant when they wanted to).
But…apparently he won’t do it unless a certain number of people pray for him to do it. I’ve always wondered what the critical number is. Say it’s 10,000,000, but only 9,999,999 million people pray. It would seem that even though he hates abortion, and has it in his power to end it at any time, until that one last holdout prays, he won’t do anything at all about it.
Of course, this could apply to anything people pray over (do they think God needs to have famine in Africa pointed out to him, or that he will be moved to help out tsunami victims if enough people pray but otherwise they’re own their own); I just picked abortion because it’s such a hot topic with so many on the religious right.
To go off on a bit of a tangent, even more bizarre is the Catholic notion of praying people out of Hell or Purgatory. I heard someone on a Catholic talk show say that there were lots of people suffering needlessly because they didn’t have people to pray for them. That a God who acted this way would be evil beyond all the Hitlers and Stalins that ever existed never seemed to occur to her (of course a God who would set up such rigged game in the first place, then punish people forever for losing at it, would also be infinitely evil, but that’s another argument).
Didn’t mean to carry on for so long, but for some reason this topic has always pushed my buttons.
I miss the good old days when throwing a flaming goat around the center of town was all it took to fight the jungle majiks.
Roger Waters said it best: “What god wants, god gets.” In other words, all the evil there is in the world is there because god wants it there.
Wow… I am simply astounded. How could they have figured out our diabolical plan so easily???
@ tsg #99
I’d give it a 50/50 shot my mother-in-law believes it, and I’d take even better odds for the rest of her current church. For some reason, she can’t understand why none of her three daughters don’t actively go to church. One was openly atheist (at least on MySpace) until the extended family found out and piled on. We talk about it on occasion.
Wow, those African witch doctors must be more advanced than we thought. They have Inter-Continental Ballistic Curses! They can attack from clear over the other side of the planet! And here’s Palin worrying about Putin and the Russians. There’s obviously a Spiritual Warfare Gap. They’ve skipped entirely the stage of basing witch doctors in Cuba. If they can target both Palin and McCain when they are in different places then they must have MIRV capability as well. Why wasn’t this in the latest National Intelligence Estimate? Iraq is a sideshow; this is the REAL danger. With enough money we could, however, develop the capacity to spread enough of the Blood of Christ to shield the entire free world.
Since the Cuttlefish is covering burning babies for Zeus, I’ll sacrifice some wine to Eris, that way there will be plenty of both thunder and confusion on election day.
So just where are all the uppity noodle heads when real sacrificin’ is called for? Pretty LIMP showing y’ll.
WAIT!! (my fellow believers) ALERT THE FAITHFUL. Sarah Palin is a Satanic plant! I and my “Followers of the Anagrams of Methuselah” (we are the surviving descendants of those to whom Christ taught the ancient and arcane Xtian lore of anagramology) have discovered–after much prayer and exhaustive analysis–that the name of our beloved GOP candidate for VP reveals her true affiliations. Firstly, her middle name Heath suggest “heathen” (and, worse, a connection with those godless, kilt-wearing Scots). Secondly there are three vile anagrams of “Sarah Palin” that are red flags: the first “Sharia Plan” reveals her true mission of Muslim domination of the faithful; the second “Las Piranha” explains how she will attack and rip the Church of Christ’s True Believers; and the last “Anal Sharpi” explains her goal of getting sodomites in (ahem) positions of power. SPREAD THIS MESSAGE! ALERT THE FAITHFUL! WE ARE BEING DUPED!!!
They haven’t figured it out, Mike. They haven’t figured out that it’s me! Jim Bramlett’s 12-year-old son even got a field trip to Heaven and back, and they still haven’t figured it out!
Now I think I’ll stick a few more pins in my McCain doll and make him say “my friends” really loudly in the library stacks so that people look at him weird. (And what’s he doing in the “knitting” section? You’d like to know, wouldn’t you?)
Of course this is funny. It doesn’t get any better than this! I hope this gets lots and lots of press.
“The Endtime Handmaidens” would be a cool name for a post-punk girl-band.
They could cover Depeche Mode: “Let’s play…handmaiden and servant.”
Kristine, I followed the link and found this gem.
I am convinced! Funkadelic is the house band of Heaven. All praise to Jimi Hazel!
If God is in Heaven, he or she would dearly love to selectively suspend free will and harmlessly silence all the quacks. What self-respecting God wants these idiots supplicating to them? Apparently it’s the 1 thing, in all of spacetime, not anticipated. Can’t do the silencing thing though – Omniscience = Infallibility, it would be a PR nightmare.
True Story: St. Peter drops by God’s office after closing time, gates are locked up, and asks “Hey, Boss, are you taking that vacation time soon?”. God says “Pete, I really need to chill but I can’t decide where to go. I do hear the Andromeda Galaxy is ultra-sparkly this millennium.” Peter says “Well how about a quick getaway to that quaint little spot, Earth?” God looks stricken and says “Pete, let me remind you about the paparazzi, not to mention what a bunch of freakin’ gossips live down there. 2000 years ago I had a fling with a little Jewish girl and they’re still talking about it.”
Oooohh! Kilt wearin’ heathens.
Hip hurrah! Now it’s the girls turn to peek.
And the difference between American fundamentalists chanting for McCain to win and Kenyan fundamentalists chanting for Obama to win is…uh…what?
Oh dear! The shameless hussy has just danced in. I just have to point out; “I AM THE QUEEN OF TYPOS!”
Voodoo? Awesome.
The fun never ends here in the good old U.S.A.
Yeah! Rock on, Janine, sistah!
Gimme that old tyme election, gimme that old tyme election, gimme that old tyme election, it’s good enough for me.
Let us vote for Lord Osiris
shun the Bi-bull like a virus
I prefer heathen papyrus,
it’s good enough for me!
Bramlett solves “Newton’s Riddle” and thinks he knows the date of the end of the world.
End of the world for everyone who hates LOLcats, that is.
I’m just telling you this so you’ll be prepared – not scared. ;-)
Only 3?! What about Aslan Harpi, for a start.
The Chemist @ #68:
Then you should do just fine with designing your own parody site.
Seriously, have you ever seen a genuine fundagelical site (such as might be confused with a parody a la Poe’s law) that isn’t a crappy design?
she found out Obama is 75% Arab
Hm… So they must have found out that somehow Obama’s white American mother was 25% Arab, then… Intriguing. :-P
Bunch of stupid numpties, I fear for the world.
Oops, I meant to say “mother was 50% Arab”, there… Damn fast finger pressing Post buttons…
Hey! I did not see people being lifted into the sky on October 9, 2008. But I think on that day, I did not step out of my home.
Also, I think I am from a different sect.
Give me that old time sedition
Give me that old time sedition
It was good enough for Emma
It’s good enough for me
Now it is time for more of my YouTube music inanity.
Not according to the latest poles.
Well, we shouldn’t get *too* complex.
I want an End-Times Handmaiden. But only if she starts off with an End-Times Handjob.
Slobber…
“She said the witches, warlocks and those involved in satanism and the occult get up daily at 3 a.m…”
What do you want to bet the Bree forgot to reset her watch to Kenya time, and they were actually doing their thing mid-afternoon.
Besides, everyone knows midnight is the devils hour.
When will they stop sending evangelists to Africa? Africa (east Africa at least) is already chockablock with born-agains, fundies, JWs, Mormons, Catholics, and all other manner of whackaloons, all of ’em doing Jehatevah’s work of spreading AIDs, misogyny, and hatred there. (All done with that special brand of post-colonial hypocritical paternalism endemic to Africa. “You believe in witches and charms?! My God, but you and your family are ignorant savages! Now get on your knees and pray to this rosary while I sprinkle you with holy water. Oh, for God’s sake, put down that qaat and eat this magic bread instead. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Tapowavkristcompersu! Tapowavkristcompersu! Ooga-booga! Ooga-booga! There. Now that’s how civilised whites practice real religion. Take notes, darky.”)
Raven, Arabs and Muslims have been in Kenya and East Africa for more than half a millennium, and in many places the beliefs tend to bleed into each other, in the same way that many Jews in North America give a nod of the head to Christmas. While in Uganda, a Muslim friend of mine chastised me for picking up a book of matches off the sidewalk as it might have been ‘bewitched’. Of course, he immediately decided that that couldn’t be the case, as whites are ‘civilised’ and not ‘backward’, and therefore immune to bewitching. Similarly, my ex’s mother, who was raised in a Catholic boarding school in north eastern Tanzania, collects all the hair from her hairbrush when she visits her home village as a precaution. Only once she’s somewhere safely secular, like an airport or a major city, will she toss the hair in the trash.
Yet somehow, none of the above seems nearly as foreign or exotic to me as the screaming whitebread crackers for McCain PZ has been highlighting as of late.
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to say
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to do
I know that you’ll be mine when I say this to you
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang, Wasilla Wasilla bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang, Wasilla Wasilla bing bang
Oh yeah, Janine…let’s just see you twirl some tassels missy. ;o)
Wow. They live in Kenya, so they must be witches. That is fucked up.
“The End-Time Handmaidens and Servants have their own web site: http://www.eth-s.org/ with their headquarters listed in Jasper, AK.” – Phil, #48
Man, that is one scary-looking “handmaiden” pictured there.
Patricia,
This kilt-wearing heathen will wait up late for you. BTW, check out the “probably there is no God” bus posters now cruising around London, coming soon to a city near you (Portland? Eugene? Just guessing, don’t know why . . . ).
Says sister Palin
Palin: God will do the right thing on election day
Dr. Norman G. Marvin, M.D. in Overland Park, KS.
http://www.health-from-the-inside-out.com
To answer Colonel Molerat’d question (#21): they don’t believe that the religions are correct but they think that the various pagans are either 1) openly worshiping Satan 2) worshiping Satan but not completely realizing that is where their prayers go 3) worshiping Satan but disguising it by using other names. A small number of the Christians in question may be close to genuinely henotheistic. It isn’t quite henotheism though because they think that worship of all those other things is very bad whereas a true henotheist wouldn’t really care that much about what other cultures are doing.
And while I’m commenting: I’m surprised no one has remarked on the phrasing of “B. Hussein Obama”.
I like the part where Dick Morris went to Kenya to run Obama’s cousin’s campaign. He’d never be allowed on FNC again if he did that.
Posted by: Patricia | October 22, 2008
Oh yeah, Janine…let’s just see you twirl some tassels missy. ;o)
I do not flounce.
But I have been known to bounce.
‘raspberry’
“Obama uses hypnosis to get the minions to do his bidding.”
I am not kidding. Via this link.
Excuse me, I need to go have a lie down….
#2
I don’t think so. Oh, Religious groups do make a lot of noise, but they have definitely lost some of their political influence compared with the 2000/2004 elections. And I doubt they will be able to reverse the trend in the future. Of the four largest groups (Evangelicals, Catholics, Mainline Protestants, Secular voters), the only one that is not losing ground is that of Secular voters (non believers, secular jews, unitarians, secular christians, …) which is growing steadily by +2 or 3% every 4 years.
Anecdotically, did you notice that God, heaven, lord, heaven, etc… were conspicously absent of the 3 presidential debates ? That hasn’t happened before.
So, it doesn’t stop many religious fundamentalists to remain with their delusions that they can still influence the outcome of this election, to make a lot of noise especially in the context of this election (Obama isn’t your typical WASP now is he ?), but we’ll see in two weeks how efficient they still are.
“The occultists are ‘weaving lazy 8’s around McCain’s mind to make him look confused and like an idiot’.”
Ha! Do we really need Witchcraft for this. I thought he was confused and like an idiot naturally. Also, are they really this insecure with their imaginary sky god’s power?
All hail ERIS and the FSM. They are dating…
There you go, all coy. Not like last night when you were bouncin’ up a storm:
#145 negentropyeater: thanks for the info. Actually, it is the first time I look at the US election with so much interest.
Hopefully, the Obama’s voters are not going to fail to vote! Because, sometimes, when the polls are favorable, people think that is not necessary to move. It happened here in France in 2002 where the extreme right was unexpectedly in the second turn.
Who is Jasper and why does he have so many handmaidens and servants? =8-O
End Time Handmaidens and Servants International(!) of Jasper, Arkansas sounds like it must have been named by the same people who gave you the Two Seed in the Spirit Predestinarian Baptists. (Believe it or not, they are a recognized denomination even though there are almost as many letters in the name as there are members in the group. Even in their heyday, there were less than 800 of them.)
Yup, Fundy Mental Cases sure do know how to name ’em, don’t they? It’s a pretty sure bet that the longer the name, the fringier they are.
Speaking of fringey, ETH&S is really off the deep end. It’s a mishmash of Fundy Dementia, Gnosticism, Hindu mythology, Kabbalah, Occultism, Mormon craziness, and miscellaneous New Age crap made up in 1966 by a loony lady named Gwen Shaw. Good for a ROFL, or if you need a good emetic, or both. Definitely the perfect religion for people like the White Queen in Through the Looking Glass, who made a habit of believing as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
p.s. After reading that ETH&S craziness, I think I’ll take my chances with the witches. Seriously.
Holy shit! Are these nutters connected with reality in any way at all?
Patricia, what ever I was doing last night, it must have been good. YouTube removed it. YouTube hates slutty dykes.
If Obama has the support of the witches, has he also enlisted the armoured bears?
@ 79
Classic Milhouse!
Alright already. So Obama’s the antichrist. This should be making Christians mad with joy, for it means the End of Days be upon us! Fundies are opposing God’s plan if they try to keep Obama out of the White House. Don’t they understand if they work against God, he’s only gonna get really, really super pissed at them?
How come the crazy people who hate homosexuality rarely bring up the molestation of boys and girls by their own priests?
Somehow I’d hope it wasn’t god’s will. :(
I’m most deeply disturbed by references to ‘Obama’s tribe’, and ‘his people’, who are ‘witches’ and ‘cast curses’. Let that sink in for a moment.
…
…
America, get your act together, before the rest of us shake our heads solemnly and walk away; including the those of us who are skeeery bushmen from darkest Africa.
Janine, Maybe that’s for the best. We wouldn’t want to cause tsg to have a heart attack watching you bounce all over the place. ;o)
I thought we were supposed to sit their quietly. Be sure to remember to close your mouth and no drooling. Say nothing. Do not interrupt the twirling and bouncing. Don’t think of messing with the flouncing.
Watch and enjoy. This can’t be repeated too much: Say nothing.
;)
*There*. D’oh. PoT – Prince of Typos?!
Saw it in Preview too. Too damn slow on the “don’t hit post”. Stunt fingers!
A whole thread on witches and Piltdown Man hasn’t shown up yet? Perhaps he’s catching some Z’s in order to wake up at 2 AM and beat those witches and warlocks at their own game.
Don’t worry, if ol’ Pilty shows up. I’ve got a broomstick and I’ll flounce right over and show him what it’s good for. If he gets really feisty I’ll hex em!
In 2004 I was talking to a witch, wh said she was going t9 vote for Bush. Of course I remnstrated her sharply.
Let them invoke their God to win this election, just as long as they don’t vote themselves.
Someone please note:
from “Jihad fantasies...”
Also,
So it’s the usual, “People can’t see how wicked our enemies are so we’ll make up lies about them, they must be thinking what we’re thinking.”
It worries (though not really surprises) me that people actually believe in rubbish like this.
Patricia #113
Well I personally sacrificed a pot of pasta to counter the spiritual warfare against Obama. This was achieved via intense overcooking whilst gurgling the following words over the pot:
Hibble Bibble
Angels of dribble
May the Sauce now guide your course
No longer your thoughts born of scribble.
It seems like Palin is taking the prayer path too
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/10/23/2398989.htm
Then there was Baal (Destruction), Astoroth (Death), and Mephisto (Hatred) to round out that obsession with having four sub-everythings
No, it’s Diablo (Terror), Mephisto (Hatred) and Baal (Destruction). You kill Mephisto in Hell’s Durance, beneath Zakarum, and Diablo in the Chaos Sanctuary, but Baal escapes with his soulstone so Blizzard can release Diablo III (You hear that, Blizzard! This year, dammit! We’ve been waiting long enough.)
Fallout 3 is only a week away, then there’s Dead Space, Left 4 Dead and GTA IV all gracing the PC before Christmas. I can wait another year for some more Diablo goodness, and also Starcraft II.
>>It’s a mishmash of Fundy Dementia, Gnosticism, Hindu >>mythology, Kabbalah, Occultism, Mormon craziness, and >>miscellaneous New Age crap made up in 1966 by a loony >>lady named Gwen Shaw
o__O Normally the fundamentalists are just really evangelical Protestants, maybe with Calvinist leanings. Not THIS.
Spiritual warfare… Is that like Fantasy Football?
Also, to anyone interested in the game Dead Space, here’s a little something to get you interested: The villains are scientologists and religion ends up being a greater danger than the aliens.
So… ah, I enjoyed it. They changed the name “scientologists” to “unitologists” but when you learn about their practices and their beliefs, it’s basically identical.
Okay you adventurous types — do you ~really~ want to understand the mindset of the Spirchul Warfare types and the world in which they live? REALLY????
If you do, and are brave enough, here are the two novels that really started off the Spiritual Warfare craze (it did exist before, but it was these two novels that really “crystalized” the whole concept of “spiritual warfare” in the fundagelical pop-psyche, galvanized its popularity, and delineated if not actually codified its practices). Read them if you dare, for this is what they really believe happens and What It Is All About (I used to be one of the Flock back when these books were written):
>This Present Darkness
Piercing The Darkness
Cool.
One of my mates who I went to uni with worked on the game.
If you want to learn spiritual warfare, be sure to watch this instructive video:
From AP, 10-22
In an interview with James Dobson, Palin referred to “prayer warfare. “It is [God’s] intercession that is so needed and so greatly appreciated and I can feel it too Dr. Dobson. I can feel the power of prayer and that strength that is provided through our prayer warriors across this nation and I so appreciate it.”
This is what’s known as “dog whistle” politics — using idioms that make sense only to the target audience..
Atta girl Sauceress, pasta sacrificin’, flouncin, and bouncin. Those stinkers don’t stand a chance when the naughty ladies begin to twirl by and hex em.
mmmmmm….;o)
I’ve lost my will to carry on the good fight. I’m joining you, Pharyngulites. All is lost for us since new allies of surpassing power (Iorek Byrnison, Serafina Pekkala, and Granny Weatherwax) have joined you, er, us, on the Dark Side.
Hey Piltdown Man,
You’re a fraud!
Shame on you Pilty!
What’s wrong with you man? Stand up straight when a strumpet addresses you.
You just get right back up on your cross.
And when you do darlin’, watch out…there’s a witch in the house.
already pre-ordered.
Look out Rev.! Ol’ Pilty is back and he’s lookin’ for love.
He’s tryin’ to fool us into believing that he’s been seduced into the darkside by witches.
But it’s you big strong hairy fellers he’s after.
The witches are gonna sit up here in the rafters and ‘titter’ amongst ourselves.
*pfffft*
That ol slinky Janine… lesbian slut that she is. She just won’t give up on the tassels.
So did I, but I preordered it from an asian online store (cost of buying games in Australia is obscenely high) so I have no idea how long it will take to be delivered.
Posted by: Patricia | October 22, 2008
Shame on you Pilty!
What’s wrong with you man? Stand up straight when a strumpet addresses you.
Pray tell, you shameless hussy. What part of Pilty’s body are you demanding to be straight.
You just get right back up on your cross.
Now I am imaging Pilty as Peter O’Toole in The Ruling Class.
My CUPS runeth over.
Will the part of Palin be played by Tina Fey or Sissy Spacek?
Now Janine, ol’ Plity is a naugthy, christian. He doesn’t dare STAND his finest parts in the presence of ladies.
Sweet baby jeezus just finds that it ain’t fittin’.
Besides, ol’ Pilty has the hots for NickGotts and Rev.BigDumbChimp.
I can strut my well filled bosom before ol’ Pilty and he won’t see a thing. Or two.
and GTA IV
Save your money (my opinion only).
Diablo III
I’m in.
No kings,
Robert
I am a shameless hussy.
And I do demand that the menfolk STAND UP in my presence.
You just don’t think I get laced up like this in the mornin’ for nothin.
Patricia, I’d say you should be just as efficient and lenient as the Grand Inquisitor when you get medieval on his ass!
Re Pilty @ 178 and subsequent taunts from our most ladylike readers,
I have a hunch that Home erectus is right. Are you sure that post came from the Pilty you’ve come to know and love?
*wink*
Well he isn’t getting any tassel twirling.
That’s just for the sweethearts.
Where do they come up with this garbage?¿
Y’ll can be had.
Where are all the right-wing athiests during all this craziness? I’m talking about the Ayn Rand crowd. You know, the people who identify as right-wing because they believe in free markets and unrestricted business practices, while rejecting mystisism? Don’t get me wrong, they’re assholes for sure, but at least they aren’t crazy.
Here’s a pretty accurate summary of our Canadian Prime Minister, in case anybody is curious. It is completely true, and is not sarcastic at all.
http://www.viruscomix.com/subnormality.html
pssst…ixnay on the ecretsay
Dr Norman G Marvin M.D.? What is it about medical practitioners that they think that immediately they have some letters after their names that they can’t sprout the most puerile rubbish imaginable? At least in Australia, we don’t generally have the MD degree. What does it stand for anyway? Moronic Dunce? Unfortunately he ruins my theory that anyone who puts more than 2 letters after his name is just uttering bulls**t.
As someone raised Baptist while young who converted and was happily Wiccan for 10 years, I think I have the authority to offer this opinion:
The whole spiritual warfare thing for wacky Fundies betrays their jealousy of the spell-slinging excitement of witchcraft.
They’re so much more dangerous for this than people realize. Unlike most Pagans, who will work out rituals in the comfort of their own homes and do internal reflection/meditation/focus to work towards an end… Fundies who shout “you should know how to ‘do’ spiritual warfare” aren’t likely to restrict their “warfare” to the quiet of their homes.
Hate resulting from ignorance makes me queasy.
I have to agree, the present poster doesn’t seem like a overly serious godbot intent on talking theology and quoting catolick dogma in an atheist blog. But then, he might have a fun side.
Doctor Marvin M.D. is a member of the Oral Roberts University Medical School Faculty in Family Medicine although as far as I can tell he is a general practitioner (no formal training beyond pg1). His website “health from the inside out” supports testimonial based practice not peer reviewed research which is possibly being disseminated to his students. Very uncool.
“The occultists are “weaving lazy 8’s around McCain’s mind to make him look confused and like an idiot”… {{{snigger}}}
@Thinking Ape
the Ayn Rand crowd. You know, the people who identify as right-wing because they believe in free markets and unrestricted business practices, while rejecting mystisism? Don’t get me wrong, they’re assholes for sure, but at least they aren’t crazy.
Actually, they are certifiably bat-shit. I’ve argued with a few Libertarian/Objectivist types over the years, and recently come to the realization that Libertarianism is a religion. It’s basically the crack-addled bastard child of Scientology and Amway.
Eric Saveau said
Ouch, such an apposite image :)