I must confess…I am immortal!

PZ has confronted me with utterly damning evidence that I have been an anti-squirrel crusader since at least 1918.

deathtothesquirrelmenace

It’s all true! I am an ancient and ageless creature, whose ritual drinking of squirrel blood has kept me virtually immortal for so many millennia I have lost count. And yes, I’ve created and maintained relentless anti-squirrel propaganda campaigns throughout history whenever and wherever I can—including right here at Freethought Blogs—lest the nasty little beasties end up on some “protected species” list or something and I lose access to the elixir I desperately require. (Obviously, I cannot rely on the black market or worse, the dark web.)

But as readers have seen here for themselves, no matter how much terrorism, violence and wanton destruction the Sciuridae routinely leave in their wake, it is practically impossible to get humans to buy into the fact that they are not just adorable and harmless little rodents.

Which is why, as a stopgap measure, I’ve got a side project going: I refer, of course, to the tardigrades. [Read more…]

Superb Owl Sunday!

People, I am proud to announce that all of our hard work, consciousness-raising and tireless activism with respect to the squirrel menace is finally beginning to pay off: today is a national holiday dedicated to superb owls!

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Of course, as all of us here at Death to Squirrels Central are well aware, all owls are superb, because they eat squirrels. And if the unprecedented checkout line at my grocery store is any indication, this owl festival is a gigantic cultural phenomenon.

imageMy neighbors obviously grok the Sciuridae problem.

It seems (from what I can gather by surreptitiously snooping in everyone’s grocery baskets) that this “Superb Owl Sunday” is customarily celebrated by ravenous feasting on a variety of unhealthy snack foods and the excessive intake of crappy domestic beer. I don’t understand the exact connection to owls, and it certainly wouldn’t be my preference (I’d at least recommend flights of beer—get it? get it?), but hey, nobody asked me. Regardless, it is nothing short of a miracle that the owls are finally getting the reverence they are due for their tireless assistance with eradicating the enemy beasties.

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We still have much to do of course. But I think we can all agree that today we deserve a little pat on the back. Take a moment to reflect on what we have accomplished together in a such short amount of time. GOOD WORK, EVERYBODY.

#deathtosquirrels

Sometimes Iris HEARTS her congresscritter.

Speak it, Jerry.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) released the following statement on his refusal to attend the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States:

“The rhetoric and actions of Donald Trump have been so far beyond the pale – so disturbing and disheartening – and his continued failure to address his conflicts of interest, to adequately divest or even to fully disclose his financial dealings, or to sufficiently separate himself from the ethical misconduct that legal experts on both side of the aisle have identified have been so offensive I cannot in good conscience participate in this honored and revered democratic tradition of the peaceful transfer of power.

“We cannot normalize Donald Trump, and we certainly cannot turn our heads and ignore such a threat to the institutions and values of our democracy. His refusal to adequately address his business conflicts of interest, to show remorse for the inflammatory rhetoric in which he engaged during his campaign, his attempts to intimidate the press, and his continuing failure to demonstrate any interest in uniting Americans reveal a deep disrespect for the office of President.

“I refuse to sit idly by as he flaunts his illicit behavior without regard for the American people’s interest. I refuse to abide any effort to undermine a free and independent press, which serves a pivotal role in any democratic system and whose rights are guaranteed by our Constitution. I refuse to applaud for a man with a history of offensive and abusive behavior to women and minorities. I refuse to treat January 20, 2017, as business as usual.

“For these reasons, I have no interest in participating in the inauguration ceremony of Donald J. Trump.”

Squirrels attacking children to steal their lunches.

Well this is rather alarming.

“BRITAIN’S fattest squirrels” are running riot in a country park where they have started attacking CHILDREN to steal food.

The chubby rodents have bulked up due to a mild winter where they have feasted on snacks left on the frost-free ground.

Okay first of all, even I don’t think we should be fat-shaming the squirrels (or other creatures for that matter).

Second, DON’T LITTER. WTF, British people?

Sophie Renouf, 23, was enjoying a walk in the woods with her son Finley when he was attacked by a mob of six squirrels.

I submit that the correct term is not a mob, but a squadron of six squirrels.

The three-year-old was feeding one of the critters before he was targeted.

!!!

Sophie, of Redruth, Cornwall, said: “There was literally one squirrel there and my son, as you would, fed him as usual.

JFC SMH.

Sophie now wants to warn others about the dangers of feeding wild squirrels.

Yeah well good luck with that Sophie.

BREAKING: Flying squirrels now training as weaponized drones.

An astute commenter intelligence operative has brought to our attention a terrifying new development in the enemy weapons program: the squirrels are now training as weaponized drones. Highly advanced weaponized drones, as a matter of fact, utilizing flight technology waaaay beyond our current reach. What else to make of these shocking photos and recent findings by scientific researchers?

flyingsquirrel

[Read more…]

Just what we need right now.

So, a quick recap of where we are: The next presidential administration and the Republicans in congress and state governments across the nation are comprised of despicable human beings who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery and exile from the company of decent people everywhere. Instead, they have been handed unprecedented power, and fully intend to use it to gleefully unleash wanton destruction on the country, the planet, and the lives of millions, perhaps billions, of people, as well as unfathomable numbers of other species. That about sum it up? Mkay.

If you’re like me, for the past week you’ve probably been asking yourself “What could possibly be worse?” Well guess what. Our true enemies have a little something extra in store for us, a rancid, oozing cherry, if you will, to plunk down right on top of this colossal shit sundae we’re eating. I refer, of course, to the fucking squirrels.

[Read more…]