[CONTENT NOTE: police violence, white supremacist tropes and victim-blaming (“black-on-black crime”), lethal levels of sarcasm and snark.]

OMG YOU GUYS! The Attorney General of the United States stated in sworn testimony before the House Judiciary Committee that my friend and FtB colleague Crip Dyke is a “violent rioter and anarchist” hijacking the Portland Black Lives Matter protests! I HAD NO IDEA.

I mean it’s not like anyone connected to the Trump administration would ever lie to Congress or government officials, so obviously AG Barr is telling us the truth! Q.E.D.

Clearly Barr and his merry band of like-minded stable geniuses know how to decrypt and decode the sooper seekrit violent anarchist messages in Crip Dyke’s posts propaganda, including the most recent entry (as of this writing). Therein, Crip Dyke merely pretends to be an incredibly thoughtful, compassionate (white) ally who has gone to Portland to stand in solidarity with Black Lives Matter protesters, to use her platform and privilege to amplify their voices, and to help counter false and misleading media narratives (and U.S. Attorney General statements) about the protests – and at considerable personal risk. FFS Crip Dyke is disabled and on crutches.

ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR IS ON TO YOU CRIP DYKE!

Now let’s see what other Truth Bombs™ AG Barr dropped on us!

According to AG Barr’s prepared statement, from which he culled an abridged version for his opening remarks to Congress yesterday:

Democrats on this Committee have attempted to discredit me by conjuring up a narrative that I am simply the President’s factotum* who disposes of criminal cases according to his instructions.

…

[The Attorney General] must ensure that there is one standard of justice that applies to everyone equally and that criminal cases are handled even-handedly, based on the law and the facts, and without regard to political or personal considerations. I can tell you that I have handled criminal matters that have come to me for decision in this way. The President has not attempted to interfere in these decisions.

I don’t know about you, but I hear the distinctive quack of a wild factotum. So does the non-partisan, nonprofit ethics watchdog American Oversight, which published this:

Since taking office President Trump has regularly called upon the Justice Department to investigate individuals he perceives as political opponents, especially his 2016 general election opponent Hillary Clinton, senior officials within the FBI, and Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Since his acquittal by the Senate in the impeachment trial, the president has exerted further political pressure on the department, including having expressed his displeasure at sentencing recommendations from prosecutors in the case against his associate Roger Stone — complaints that were apparently answered by Justice Department leadership’s intervention in the case, which was in turn praised by the president.

American Oversight brought receipts too, in the form of… Donald Trump’s own tweets. 😂

What else did Mr. Barr state under oath?

When officers respond to an emergency, whether a catastrophe like 9/11 or an everyday crime, they do not set out to protect white people or black people. They risk and sometimes give their lives to protect and serve all people, and all people owe them thanks.

Especially the families of unarmed black people murdered and maimed by police, while in custody or in their own homes. WHY AREN’T THEY THANKING THE POLICE HUH?!

When a community turns on and pillories its own police, officers naturally become more risk averse and crime rates soar.

Naturally. Because communities typically turn on their own police for no reason whatsoever! As the Attorney General helpfully reminds us, these communities have simply forgotten that the only legitimate attitude or expression toward police is gratitude. And if they do not grovel sufficiently, or – gawdferbid – attempt to hold officers accountable for breaking laws against, say, murder? Well, what other choice do police have but to pack up their toys and go home? Hopefully mommy and daddy will kiss the invisible boo-boos unjustly inflicted upon them by these ungrateful communities!

Unfortunately, we are seeing that now in many of our major cities. This is a critical problem that exists apart from disagreements on other issues.

Sure. Totally unrelated.

The threat to black lives posed by crime on the streets is massively greater than any threat posed by police misconduct.

The threat to black lives posed by police misconduct should be exactly ZERO. In case anyone is somehow unaware, THIS IS WHY THERE ARE PROTESTS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The leading cause of death for young black males is homicide. Every year approximately 7,500 black Americans are victims of homicide, and the vast majority of them –around 90 percent – are killed by other blacks, mainly by gunfire. Each of those lives matter.

OMFG. He went there! Yes, it’s the deceitful, long-debunked myth spewed by the most vile of white supremacists: “but what about black-on-black crime huh?!”

I cannot even bring myself to snark at this slimy douchebaggery, no lie. If Teen Vogue readers can understand why this is a deceitful, long-debunked myth, then surely THE FUCKING ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES KNOWS THIS.** His repeating it at a nationally televised congressional hearing on the subject of racist police violence marks him unequivocally as a vile white supremacist. Therefore, his impeachment will be immediate and unanimously supported by elected officials of both parties. Hahaha. As if.

And riddle-me-this, WhiteMan: if police are to be credited with doing such a noble, superb and necessary job in black communities, how is it you get to use these statistics to (falsely) claim that black communities are disproportionately plagued by intraracial gun violence and murder? I mean if it’s so uniquely bad in black communities (it’s not), then it’s pretty clear the police really suck at policing them. You can’t have it both ways, you dick.

And it is not just that crime snuffs out lives. Crime snuffs out opportunity. Children cannot thrive in playgrounds and schools dominated by gangs and drug pushers.

WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN PLAYING.

Tamir Rice
2002-2014
12-year old black child shot and killed by police while playing outside a recreation center in Cleveland, OH, on Nov. 22, 2014.
Illustration by QU Lan/Photo Courtesy Samaira Rice

You know what? I could go on (and on) ripping apart this flaming piece of shit’s statement line by line but I think I’ll just stop here, at least for now. It seems fitting somehow to end this post with Tamir Rice. Tamir would be eighteen years old if he had not been shot and killed by the police.

And just FYI:

Both officers involved were cleared of criminal charges, though one was terminated in 2017 after it was revealed that he had previously been dismissed from another police department. This information was not disclosed on his job application with the Cleveland Police Department. The police union is appealing a decision upholding the termination.

__________
* Okay, so I had no idea what a “factotum” is, and had to look it up:

factotum noun
fac·​to·​tum | \ fak-ˈtō-təm \
1 : a person having many diverse activities or responsibilities
2 : a general servant

And of course we all remember the trusty old truism: if it looks like a factotum, walks like a factotum and quacks like a factotum, IT’S A QUACKING FACTOTUM.

** No disrespect to Teen Vogue readers intended here. In fact I am frequently impressed with the writing I find there. I could just as easily have referenced New York Times readers instead; my point still stands either way.