Trick Or Treat With Jesus

Jesus came back from the dead tonight
(He said he had done it before)
He took to the streets in the Bible Belt
With the children in masks, door to door.

With pirates, and goblins, and heroes, and ghosts
Came the Savior, the true child of God
On the streets where the Christian majority lives
It was more than a little bit odd:

Wherever they stopped, the people would guess
(Cos that’s what the homeowner does)
Though Jesus was Jesus, and not in disguise
Not one of them knew who He was.

The Jesus they know is the one they created,
Who thinks like, and looks like, themselves
Whose stories they hear in their sermons, but not
In the bibles that sit on their shelves.

If Jesus existed, if Jesus was real,
If He died on the cross for our sins
He wouldn’t want gays to be punished for love
Or care if a Democrat wins.

He wouldn’t want lies taught to children in school;
He wouldn’t want homeless to freeze
The weakest and weariest crying for help
In a system that’s deaf to their pleas

I worry, you know, for the Christian Right—
And (of course) for the human race—
When Jesus himself goes from door to door
And no one knows his face

Hey, the power was out; I had to do something.

The End Of “The End Of The World”

They’ve scrubbed all the dirt from their website
The predictions that somehow went wrong
If a visitor didn’t know better
You’d think they’d been sane all along

They still believe Jesus is coming
They’re no longer predicting a date
They’re confused that they’re still here to wonder
But they’re putting it all down to fate

Somewhere, a lunatic’s howling
His freak-flag is proudly unfurled
But Harold has given up doomsdays
It’s the end of “the end of the world”

They used to say “Jesus is coming!”
They’d done so for fifty-odd years
“So send us your prayers and donations!”
There’s money in preying on fears

But they went to the well once too often
With a guaranteed rapture. Then two.
When the end didn’t come as predicted
Well, what’s an old con-man to do?

Somewhere, a lunatic’s howling
His banner is proudly unfurled
But Harold has given up doomsdays
It’s the end of “the end of the world”

For God And For Country (But Mostly For God)

The chaplains are ready to answer the call
In the guise of supporting our fitness
To breach and dismantle the church-and-state wall
And to act as a born-again witness

And the Head of the chaplains will smile and nod,
For God and for country (but mostly for God)

To protect and defend, you remember the oath,
So there’s no use in getting indignant
But I think I’ve detected a spiritual growth
And I’m worried it might be malignant

A chaplain, who shepherds the men in his squad
For God and for country (but mostly for God)

There’s no cause for worry, no need for alarm
It’s only the damn constitution
And the chaplain, who’s keeping your soul safe from harm
Is the problem, and not the solution

But they’ve been there so long it no longer seems odd
For God and for country (but mostly for God)

The problem is growing, of that there’s no doubt
And the bible does not hold the answer
The simple solution—you cut it right out
Cos that’s what you do with a cancer

It’s a cult, once you see past the shiny façade
For God and for country (but mostly for God)

Two things. Go here and read this. And even more importantly (US Citizens only), go here and sign this. As of this writing, only 376113 (update just after 9PM Eastern)87 (just after 10PM) signatures are needed. You do have to register, but it’s painless, takes only a minute or so, and damn is it a good cause.

The JesusWeen Story

I won’t wear a costume this JesusWeen eve—
The lord is my shepherd; I shall not deceive
This holiday’s different for folks who believe
For folks who have Christ as their savior

I won’t be a hero, cos Jesus comes first
I won’t be a villain, cos Satan’s the worst
I won’t ask for candy; the candy’s all cursed
(That’s typical godless behavior)

I’m giving out bibles to trick-or-treat kids
They’re looking for chocolates to quiet their ids
But self-satisfaction, God’s message forbids,
So candy bars surely are sinning

Though Satan is hiding, and wearing a mask,
The godly confront him and take him to task
So each trick-or-treater we simply must ask:
“Is Satan or Jesus Christ winning?”

This JesusWeen, children from all ‘round the block
Will visit our porch, ring the bell (or else knock),
And, getting a bible, will cry out in shock:
Hallelujah! Sing glory of glories!

Cos JesusWeen’s all about Jesus, and love
And gifts that are given by God up above
Cos candy these children are sick to death of…

And other such fictional stories.

But It Was Supposed To Be A Parody!

In the New York Times today, an article on a Mississippi constitutional amendment on the ballot, which would define personhood as beginning at conception.

The amendment in Mississippi would ban virtually all abortions, including those resulting from rape or incest. It would bar some birth control methods, including IUDs and “morning-after pills” that prevent fertilized eggs from implanting in the uterus. It would also outlaw the destruction of embryos created in laboratories.

It is clear that the impetus behind the issue is religious, not simply because it flies in the face of science (the majority of fertilized eggs don’t make it to birth, so “personhood” is certainly not guaranteed by biology), but because we can hear it in the words of the supporters:

“I view it as transformative,” said Brad Prewitt, a lawyer and executive director of the Yes on 26 campaign, which is named for the Mississippi proposition. “Personhood is bigger than just shutting abortion clinics; it’s an opportunity for people to say that we’re made in the image of God.”

This being the NYTimes, the comments are more coherent than on most sites (I have yet to see the equivalent report on Fox. Can’t wait.). Many bring up, as the logical consequence of this proposed amendment, a scenario very like one I wrote about a while ago. I did already repost it here, but that was before FtB really got going, so I am reposting it after the jump: [Read more…]

Dawkins Flatters Jesus

No self-esteem deficiencies
For Dawkins, I can see:
“A man as smart as Jesus Christ
Would clearly think like me”

hmmm…

If Jesus was as smart as that,
He knew he was a faker—
A man as smart as Jesus was,
Today, would be Jim Bakker.

If Jesus heard the voice of god,
The man was not at all well
A man as crazed as Jesus was
Today, is Jerry Falwell.

If Jesus cleared the marketplace
He clearly had some stones
As power-mad as Jesus was
Today, he’d be Jim Jones

When Jesus led his followers,
His “church” was more a cult
Two thousand years of shepherding
And what is the result?

Two thousand years since Jesus led
His tiny little sect
And even Richard Dawkins treats
Lord Jesus with respect

Blasphemous rant after the jump: [Read more…]

The Perfect Republican Candidate

We’re looking for a candidate
A good and Christian man
We need to win the White House
With God’s help, I think we can

He loves the Constitution
And our freedoms and our laws
With the possible exception
Of one first amendment clause

Cos the freedom of religion
Is for Christians, as a rule
The founding fathers wanted
Christian prayer in public school

A candidate who’s proud to say
That Jesus is his savior
Is so much more important than
That candidate’s behavior

He’s so pro-life, he’s willing to
Amend the constitution
To make sure life’s protected
All the way till execution

He’ll put the Ten Commandments
In each courthouse in the land
A cross on every corner, and
A bible in each hand

The kids will pledge allegiance,
To their flag and to their god
Then time for their devotionals
And every head will nod

It’s possible, just maybe
Such a candidate would please us
And be worthy to be president…
Of the United States of Jesus

Denying Freethought Club “Essential” at U. of Dayton

It’s the truth—why, it’s the Gospel,
It is God’s Most Holy Word
To refute it or deny it
Is ridiculous! Absurd!
Our omnipotent Creator
Is behind its every letter—
It not only is The Good Book
But there’ll never be one better!

So we have to keep it coddled—
I don’t mean to raise alarm—
It’s so delicate and fragile,
We must keep it safe from harm
So the friars have decided
That the atheists can’t meet:
They believe in thinking freely,
And the Gospel can’t compete.

All the sordid details after the jump: [Read more…]

I Got My Wish!

Wrong-again Harold had made a prediction
Wrong-again Harold was once again wrong
Wrong-again Harold believed in a fiction,
But wrong-again Harold kept chugging along.

Wrong-again Harold had plenty of money
So wrong-again Harold bought billboards and such
People who saw them all thought they were funny
But wrong-again Harold, he didn’t care much

Wrong-again Harold misled the believers
Wrong-again Harold expressed no remorse
Wrong-again, wrong-again,
String-em-along-again,
Wrong-again Harold stayed true to his course.

Wrong-again Harold, he looked through the bible
Wrong-again Harold, he did all the math
Wrong-again Harold, he claim’s he’s reli’ble
And gives us the date and the time of god’s wrath

Wrong-again Harold, I feel I should mention,
Wrong-again Harold has done this before;
Wrong-again Harold, he craves the attention—
Wrong-again Harold’s a media whore.

Wrong-again Harold misled the reporters
Wrong-again Harold expressed no remorse
Wrong-again, wrong-again,
String-em-along-again,
Wrong-again Harold stayed true to his course.

Wrong-again Harold’s not much of a story
Wrong-again Harold has nothing to say
Wrong about rapture and heaven and glory
Please, can we just put this story away?

Wrong-again Harold, the media darling,
Radio, papers, the web, and TV
There on your soapbox, you’ve led me to snarling:
Bury this story, and just let me be!

Wrong-again Harold provided the message
Wrong-again Media, added their force
Wrong-again, wrong-again,
String-us-along-again,
Wrong-again Harold stayed true to his course.

That was my verse from the earlier end of the world. You know, the third or fourth prediction. Not today’s.

I know it’s the end of the world today, but I can’t find it in the early editions of any news sites! You know it’s a bad day for parasitic end-of-times cultists when the only ones paying attention are the ones making fun of them.