Web exclusive: SGU released from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists were released from Clow UFO Base after being detained for nearly a day by Illuminati agents.

“We’re all fine,” said Dr. Steven Novella.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were tortured.  We did have to listen to Lee Greenwood songs in our cells, but I think others have suffered worse.”

The panelists were on their way to the Martian Colonies to attend a conference and to do an interstellar broadcast.  Halfway to Mars, the ship was ordered to return to Earth.

“The captain said colonial government had just banned humans from visiting Mars.”  Said Jay Novella.  “When she explained that the Martian Colonies banned humans because they believe all us are carrying infectious Fascist memes, I freaked out.  That’s not how memes work!  It made me so mad that I looked out the window at Mars and said (expletive deleted) you!  Now, looking back, I shouldn’t have insulted a civilization that’s 10,000 years ahead of Earth’s.  Still!  Infectious memes?”

“Yeah,” added Bob Novella.  “They were going to take us on a tour of all the areas where the Internet claimed to have seen skulls and rats.  That tour could have helped us do a better job of debunking those claims.  So their prejudice  is hurting more than us.  It’s hurting Earth’s science education.”

For reasons not clear to the SGU panelists, the craft was diverted to Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, instead of Fairfield A31 in Connecticut.  Upon arrival, several men in blue boarded the craft.

“I thought it was for our own protection,”  said Evan Bernstein.  “When they said we were under arrest, I yelled, ‘I’m not like the others!  Really!’  It wasn’t my best moment.  Anyway, one of them said we were under arrest for being affiliated with the New World Order.  So in that sense, I was like my other panelists.”

The panelists were taken to individual cells, and later were interrogated by Illuminati agents.

“They kept telling me how evil science is,” said Cara Santa Maria.  “Apparently, Donald Trump signed an executive order saying no member of the New World Order could fly into an Illuminati controlled UFO Base.  My interrogator said the only way I’d be allowed to leave is if I switched allegiance to the Illuminati.  I laughed and said that I was sure that the Center for Inquiry’s Interstellar Affairs team was working to get us released.  He laughed for some reason.  Then I told him that The Young Turks Interstellar was about to go live this weekend.  He would have to deal with a Cenk Uygur rant!  That made him think.”

At the end of the day, the SGU panelists were released following a diplomatic protest filed by the Skepchick consulate.

Paula Z Hegel, Skepchick’s ambassador to Clow, released a statement following the SGU’s release.  “As members of the New World Order and the Skeptical Movement, the SGU panelists were fortunate to be well represented in this ugly situation.  But this weekend we’ve seen that many people are not so fortunate.  Permanent aliens are being detained at airports or prevented from returning to their homes because they are muslims from certain countries.  While the executive order mentions 9/11 three times, none of the countries affected were involved in the 9/11 attacks.  This ban only exists because Donald Trump is afraid of Muslims!  His supporters are afraid.  We are not afraid.”

Steven stressed that this incident will not affect the content of the SGU.  “The SGU will not become a political show because of this.  We will stick to the science.”

Aliens observe Women’s March on Chicago (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Women and women marching. Above them, a UFO has the text, "There is intelligent life on Earth!"

Enhanced photo of a UFO over the Women’s March on Chicago. (William Brinkman)

In addition to an estimated 250,000 humans, aliens also attended the Women’s March on Chicago.

Chicago’s Orange Squad, which deals with paranormal activity in Chicago, reported no arrests or disturbances.  One source said: “Everyone played by the rules.  Only the aliens with low-altitude permits flew over the march.  The marchers didn’t riot.  Maybe if we treat other protest organizers with the same respect as we did the Women’s March organizers, all them would be peaceful.  Why aren’t you laughing?”

Zo Goop, who runs a flyover service out of Clow UFO Base, was pleased with the march.  “With the election, I was worried that humanity was starting to revert to the barbarism and bigotry from over 70 Earth orbits ago.  Seeing so many people out there gave me hope.  President Trump will be a step backwards for humanity, but I have hope that humanity will someday move forward.”

Po Zoe, a resident of Wolf 1061c, was even more enthusiastic.  “There is intelligent life on Earth after all.”

Some aliens, like Gar Zeb, mingled among the crowd.  “I liked the free snacks the socialist parties were handing out,” she said.  “But it was hard to hear the speakers or see the stage.  I heard they were only planning for 50,000 people and 200,000 more showed up.  Maybe if they had also used the People’s Mic, like they did at Occupy, more people would have gotten the message.”

Additionally, there were so many people that the organizers had to cancel the march and turn the event into a rally.  Zeb was disappointed, but understood: “When I navigated through the crowd, I came upon groups doing their own chants and speeches.  It was like attending several rallies at once.  My human suit was damaged, but the experience was worth it!”

Zex Splen, from Kepler-452B, complained that the marches had to happen at all.  “Five orbits ago, I was going to donate to the Democratic Party, because they support women’s rights on this continent.  But no!  My New World Order representative told me that women were going to be fine.  Hillary Clinton was going to be the next President.  So I did what they said, and donated to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  I come back to find the JREF is no more, the NWO is at war with the Illuminati, and someone wearing a poorly painted human suit is humiliating Hillary.  Instead of moving forward, women are about to be consumed by a black hole of masculinity.  I feel ripped off.  This time I’m investing in feminist groups, and I hope I’m not too late!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bears fans cheer as Satan stops the Packers’s winning streak
Melania Trump appoints Mayor Roger Claar as her Illinois Illuminati Liaison
Lisle trees celebrate unusually warm weather
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/17

The GoFundMe page for the defendants of Richard Carrier’s lawsuit is live (Out of Character)

As many readers of Freethought Blogs are aware, Dr. Richard Carrier is suing Freethought Blogs, and others, over the reporting of allegations of inappropriate behavior.  A GoFundMe page has been set up to help cover the legal costs of FtB and for all but one of the defendants. See below.

From the GoFundMe Page:

Dr. Richard Carrier is suing us for reporting  on his well-known allegations of misconduct. These allegations were widely reported on throughout the community, including by third-parties critical and sympathetic to him who are not themselves defendants.

This lawsuit has all the hallmarks of a SLAPP suit — a lawsuit filed to stifle legitimate criticism and commentary. The named defendants are Skepticon, The Orbit, and Freethought Blogs – as well as individuals Lauren Lane, the lead organizer of Skepticon; Stephanie Zvan, a blogger for The Orbit; PZ Myers, a blogger for Freethought Blogs; and Amy Frank-Skiba, who publicly posted her first-hand allegations against Carrier.

We need your help to keep our voices alive. All the defendants are represented by the same attorney, First Amendment lawyer Marc Randazza. Randazza is providing his services at a significant discount, but we are not asking him to work for free. Plus, there are thousands of dollars in “costs” for the case that don’t include legal bills, and there is no way to discount those. In order to continue fighting this lawsuit, we, the defendants of this case, have put together this campaign to raise money to defray our costs, some of which is outstanding. Donations will be used only for this case. In the event that the funds raised exceed our legal bills, they will be donated to Planned Parenthood .

We are pooling our defense costs with Skepticon, however as a 501(c)3 non-profit Skepticon is also conducting its own fundraiser where donations may be tax-deductible (ask your tax advisor). Skepticon cannot use donations it receives to help pay the shares of other individuals or organizations, though, and any excess funds raised via their campaign will go to the Skepticon conference fund.

We are confident that the court will uphold our First Amendment rights. But, through time, stress, and of course financial expense, every case like this has a chilling effect. Your support enables us to fight, and creates a warmer environment – not just for us but for others in the future.

Thank you for your support of freedom of speech, and may your new year be powerful and effective!

-Amy Frank-Skiba

-Lauren Lane

-PZ Myers

-Stephanie Zvan

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook United and other parties respond to the 2017 State of the Village speech (Mixed)

Each year, we ask all of Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s annual State of the Village address.  For the first time in years, we received a response from a party that’s actually on the ballet, Bolingbrook United.  We also received responses from The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, Our Party, and the Skepchick Party.

Bolingbrook United

(Out of character:  The statement from the Bolingbrook United Party is real and unedited.)

Bolingbrook Babbler,

Thank you for the opportunity to address your readers regarding the Mayor’s 2017 State of the Village address.

Unity, community and transparency, these are the core values of our party and they are the characteristics we plan to bring to Bolingbrook Village government.  For far too long our local government leaders have drifted from these values as they have cut special deals for the well connected (such as a $350,000 break on rent for the owner of the ice arena), ostracized members of our community (by holding a Donald Trump fundraiser at a Village owned facility) and misrepresented and hid information from residents.  They claim they are transparent but they fail to post salary information regarding Village employees, a requirement under state law.

While many community and business leaders were present at the State of the Village address last week, the ticket price of $70 to attend alone put the event beyond the reach of many residents and the fact that it is held in the middle of the day when most people work makes the event inaccessible for the average person.  Those who attended were able to hear a summary from the mayor about things that the Village has accomplished over the course of his political career (which was atypical for a State of the Village address) and about what is planned for 2017. In addition, Mr. Claar spent a substantial amount of time reacting to those critical of him and responding to sentiments and articles found on a Facebook page called “Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.” Contrary to Mr. Claar’s assertions, the Bolingbrook United candidates have nothing to do with the “Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017” Facebook page and do not endorse it.  Moreover, we found it odd that a 30-year politician would do this when the event was intended to be about the Village, NOT his campaign.

What was glaringly missing was any substance regarding the massive debt incurred under Mr. Claar’s leadership (currently $313,450,000) and how he plans to deal with it.  Unfortunately, and in accordance with the response to a FOIA request we received yesterday, we now know why he failed to address it—there is no plan.  The Village, facing more debt than Naperville’s 162 million and Romeoville’s 89 million combined, has never approved a formal or informal plan to pay back that debt.  The Village also lacks any strategic plan for the future.  In the meantime, our bond ratings continue to drop costing millions more in interest payments from residents while our mayor draws three salaries totaling over $142,000, plus benefits, and has guaranteed salary increases during his political employment.

We love Bolingbrook and all that it offers.  Residents and businesses have worked tirelessly to develop and improve upon our Village.

As we move forward we believe Village government should care for all residents, not just the well connected. It should never alienate members of the community as it has.  We believe Village government should always serve the people – not the other way around.  We also believe the Village government should plan for the future and stop using the Village credit card to run up debt without any plan to pay it off.

Bolingbrook United
http://www.bolingbrookunited.com

[Read more…]

Russian operatives canvas for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Unaffected by the cold weather, dozens of Russian operatives descended upon Bolingbrook to canvas for Mayor Roger Claar’s re-election campaign.

Their coordinator, who asked to be called Albert, insisted that they were there without Claar’s knowledge, but were sure he would appreciate their help.  They cited the Trump fundraiser Claar organized for then candidate Donald Trump as the reason for supporting him. “Roger helped our candidate Trump win.  That makes Roger our friend.  We will help our friend win in return.”  They said they were not trying to “hack the election“, but provide “positive information about Roger and the Keeping Bolingbrook First Party, while providing unflattering information about Jackie Traynere, and Bolingbrook United.”

Albert allowed the Babbler’s reporters to accompany his team as they canvassed Bolingbrook.  Each team seemed to have information about each household they visited.  Albert insisted the information wasn’t from state-sponsored hacking but from Facebook Quizzes that all residents knowingly took.

At one house, a canvasser called Anna, introduced herself and asked, “You like Bolingbrook, yes?”

The resident replied, “Yes.  I’ve lived here for over thirty years, and it’s never been better.”

“Keeping Bolingbrook First made that possible.  You want to keep Bolingbrook first, right?”

“Absolutely.  I will vote to keep to keep Bolingbrook first.”

Next door, Igor introduced himself and said, “Bolingbrook hasn’t been good lately, no?”

The resident replied, “No.  I’ve lived here most of my life, and it’s changed too much.  It seems like there are too many Section 8 residents, if you know what I mean.”

“What if I told you that that Jackie is the mayor of Bolingbrook—“

“Lock her up!  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what came over me.”

“No problem.  What if I told you that Roger wants to be mayor so he can put Bolingbrook first?”

“Roger?  I like the sound of that name, if you know what I mean.”

At another home, a resident, who asked only to be identified as Jane, insisted that she couldn’t vote for Claar.

“He uses his campaign fund to supplement his lifestyle and rewards many of his donors with village contracts!  He’s also running up our debt.  I can’t vote for him!”

Ana replied.  “But Jackie does not support using village funds to give every resident a universal income.   She won’t provide universal health care to all village residents.  She won’t ban all cars from Bolingbrook.  She’s never called for a workers’ uprising!”

“(Expletive deleted)!  If Jackie won’t give me exactly what I want, then I won’t vote for anyone!”  She slammed the door.

“We are happy with that.”  Ana replied.

Albert defended his team’s tactics.  “We give you good news, and Bolingbrook does not question good news.  You follow strong mayor who follows strong President who follows strong Putin.  You will be rewarded.  Question good news and you will end up like Hillary Clinton.”

In addition to canvassing for Claar, Albert said that Russia will launch two “pro-Roger” websites:  Roger Today and Explorer 1.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was doing a teleconference with the White House, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t like the media either, but I don’t know if using this foreign word will help us.”

Bolingbrook United could not be reached for comment.

Also in this week’s Babbler:

Chicagoland braces for Soviet Ice Attack
Sources:  No Trump Tower in Bolingbrook
Aliens leaving Bolingbrook ahead of Trump inauguration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/17.

The Babbler moves to Freethought Blogs! (Fiction)

By Jenna OlsonUFO

Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

After ten wonderful years at Blogger, we’ve decided it was time to move our blog to a new home. There were many group blogs that would have accepted us, but we decided to join Freethought Blogs.

At first, that might seem like a mistake. We believe in God, cover the paranormal, and know that Bolingbrook, IL is the home of the largest urban UFO base in the world, Clow UFO Base. Bloggers at FtB are atheists, promote extreme skepticism, and think Clow International Airport is hardly worth mentioning. Digital Cuttlefishes aside, it seems like there is no room here for a blog that rejects the narrow materialist viewpoint the secret societies impose on us.

The truth is that we belong here at FtB. Since 1965, we’ve rejected conventional thinking and all dogmas. Our politics may have changed over the years, but we have always believed in fairness and justice. Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and we welcome and embrace that diversity. Today, parts of the world call out for social justice, and we are happy to be bards for the cause. Some skeptics claim that FtB is a bubble where only certain atheistic views are allowed. We’re here to burst that bubble and deliver the unbelievable truth to both the fans and hate-readers.

Finally, we belong here because we are at a turning point in history. The election of Donald Trump marked the start of a war between the New World Order and the resurgent Illuminati. Who we are as US citizens, and the fate of humanity, may depend on how all of us respond to the challenges of the next four years. To continue to provide the unbelievable truth in the new and dangerous world, we have to form new alliances. We may have many disagreements with the bloggers here, but we agree with their vision of a fair and just world. God help us, because we will help them.

So we hope you will join us every week. We will feature one article from our weekly printed edition. We also hope to add some exclusive content for readers here. Maybe you will never accept our stories as true, but if any of articles make you think, or inspire you to work for a better world, then we will consider that a success.

What’s going on here?

So what is the Bolingbrook Babbler really about? It’s a satirical tabloid that I started in 1998. The first time around I kept writing until 2001. I resumed work on it in 2007, and haven’t stopped since.

It began while I was a Bolingbrook, IL , resident and teaching myself HTML coding.  I wondered what it would be like if there was a local publication similar to The Weekly World News. So on a November night, I created the first Bolingbrook Babbler web page. The story was a secret tornado magnet at nearby Lewis University. I had so much fun writing the story and designing the page, that I decided to make it a regular feature on my home page. Soon I began regularly writing satirical articles using old school tabloids as my model.

A lot has happened with the Babbler in the nearly 19 years since I started. I was featured in a local newspaper article. I’ve had the joy of watching someone at Village Hall read through every page, and possibly send the link to a law firm in Los Angeles. I’ve had a friendly meeting with Mayor Roger Claar, and had him send an angry e-mail to me around midnight. I’ve spoken at Chicago’s Skepticamps, and performed dramatic readings at TAM, and GenCon.

There have been ups and downs over the years. The current move to Freethought Blogs is a high point. I’ve always supported the mission of Freethought Blogs, and I’ve learned so much from the bloggers there, both past and present. It’s been a dream of mine to come to Freethought Blogs, and I was shocked when I got the acceptance e-mail from PZ.

I would like to thank FtB for taking a chance on a blog that’s different from what they’ve normally featured in the past. Not every story will work, and I might make some mistakes along the way, but if any of my stories make a reader think about an issue, or learn something new, then I will have done my job.

I hope you’ll tag along and read about the “unbelievable truths” the staff of the Babbler uncovers each week.