Mayor Claar tries to replace Trustee Jaskiewicz with an android (Fiction)

Did Mayor Roger Claar offer to replace Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz with an android?  Some sources say yes.

 

“Sure we’ve all heard the phrase, ‘Roger’s robots,’” said one of the sources.  “But I never thought they were real until now.”

The sources agree that Claar was upset after Jaskiewicz gave a speech criticizing Claar for refusing to put two items on the meeting agenda.  After the meeting had adjourned, Claar brought Jaskiewicz into his office.  Most of the sources said that Claar talked about the rumors that his trustees are androids.

According to the sources, Claar said the following:

“You know residents have called my trustees robots, and the Babbler has reported on my android factory.  They’re not telling the whole truth.  All of them are humans.  They have histories you can confirm.  The reality is that my trustees don’t attend the meetings.  Their android doubles do.  It’s a great arrangement.  They can spend more time with their families- and I get trustees who will always vote yes, and give public service announcements.  It also reduces meeting times, which save on our electric bills.”

Next, Claar reportedly made an offer to Jaskiewicz:  “Due to complicated agreements between the New World Order and the Illuminati, I can’t remove you and replace you with an android.  But I can ask you to have an android sit in for you at the village board meetings.  Think about it.  Do you want to be bored at our meetings, or do you want to be home with your family?  I’ll even let you decide which announcements it will make at the end of the meeting.”

Jaskiewicz allegedly replied, “The New World Order and the residents elected me so I could stand up to you.  You’re not going to replace me with one of your robots.”

Claar allegedly answered, “Then I vow to bore you to death so I will be able to replace a foe with a resident!”

Jaskiewicz did not reply before the deadline.

A receptionist for Claar replied that he was busy with intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Charlene, I hear you’re organizing an Internet counter-attack against Bob.”

“Yes.  I’ve already written the viral articles.  What do you think of these headlines?  ‘Based Mayor bashes bumbling trustee.’  ‘Awesome mayor destroys anarchist trustee.’ ‘Smart mayor shreds stupid opponent. Why won’t the liberal media report this?’”

“I just adjourned the meeting after he ranted.  I didn’t reply.”

“The article will mention that, but it’s the headline that counts.  No one reads the articles.  Oh!  Which background should I use for the memes?  I have this GIF I call ‘Tired Jaskiewicz.’  I also have an animated GIF called ‘Swiveling Jaskiewicz.’  Which do you like?”

“Before I answer that question, I need to ask you if you used village property to make these items.  Someone could say that they’re for political purposes, and I would be forced to hold a disciplinary hearing.”

“Um.  Aren’t my niece and nephew cute?”

“They are, but I’m a career politician.  That trick won’t work on me.”

“Drat.  Um, I’m sure my parents can donate to your campaign fund.”

“I can accept it, and still give you a fair hearing.”

Also in the Babbler:

Prophet Muhammad argues with Mayor Claar
Bolingbrook’s Bigfoot insists it is not a ghost
Mayor Claar dares Russians to flood Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/17

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Could President Donald Trump attempt a coup to stop the investigations into his administration?  Some Bolingbrook officials and residents say yes.

Will Russian fighters fly over Bolingbrook?

“It is only a matter of time,” said Sam from Bolingbrook Antifa.  “Trump lacks the patience to undermine our democracy slowly.  So he’s going to use either the military, militias, or Russian Special Forces to become the CEO of our country.  Bolingbrook will be ready to resist Fascism.  We have a private network in case the Internet goes down and an alt-right camouflage.  We would like Mayor Roger Claar to support us, but we will oppose him if we have to.”

Bolingbrook resident Dave, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he saw TSA officers standing guard on Clover LN:

“I walked up to their station, and one of them approached me.  The TSA officer said, ‘This is a test.  In an actual situation, you would have been required to submit to a secondary search.’  I thought he was joking, but he showed me his badge.  I told him it was a free country, and we have the freedom to use sidewalks.  He said, ‘Not for long.’ I walked away because I didn’t want to hear his explanation.”

A DuPage Township employee, who asked to be called Bob, said he saw Supervisor William Mayer overseeing the delivery of crates of MREs:

“I asked him if he was going to feed an army.  He told me not to talk so loud.  I asked if he was serious.  He asked me what I would do if I suspected that an occupying army was coming to Bolingbrook? Would I have supplies ready for them, or would I let them raid the grocery stores?  I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.”

Jill, an employee at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she overheard Mayor Claar speaking with the chef of the Nest Bar and Grill.  Claar, according to Jill, asked the chef if he could prepare a menu that would “impress a Russian general.”  The chef, according to Jill said he could:

“When he started to ask questions about the Russian general, Roger showed him pictures of his granddaughter, and the chef forgot about his questions.”

Morgan, a long time Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, said he was looking forward to the pro-Trump military coup:  “Roger says we need to shake things up in our country.  Nothing shakes things up like our military retaking our country from the Democratic Party!  I can’t wait to use my 150 guns for this patriotic cause!  I hope when it’s over, we get rid of all the amendments and go back to the Constitution of our founders!”

When called for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was tutoring intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Kekistan Appreciation Day goes too far, Charline!  I’m not putting it on the agenda.”

“Come on, Roger.  Real Trump fans will appreciate your devotion to the cause, and we can make Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz look foolish when he votes no.”

“All of my trustees will vote no once he explains Kekistan to them.  Charline, I need to teach you some tried and true Republican dog whistles.”

“This is the age of Trump.  We don’t need dog whistles anymore.  We can use bullhorns now.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Female time travelers spotted celebrating announcement of the 13th Doctor
Reptoid arrested for impersonating Mayor Claar
Claar confirms alien AI to visit Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/17

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’ (Fiction)

From the webmaster: I’ve decided to experiment with reposting articles from our previous website.  If it works out, I might make it weekly feature.  With the Refuse Fascism protests coming up this Saturday, I think this article from 12/5/16 is timely. 

While communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”

The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.”  The report continues.  “Communists can’t even start a revolution on the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an event with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the parties’ strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn’t organize, and splintering  Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country.  None of the parties have the tactical and leadership skills necessary to take on the most advanced army in the world.  None of the parties work together.  In the event of a national upheaval, the best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos.  None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization.  “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to fighting a revolution and were somewhat secretive about their plans.  Today they have a Wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming within their groups.  “Let’s be honest.  It didn’t work in the USSR.  It resulted in a disaster for China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future of US Communism.  The first involves actively recruiting military veterans so communists organizations will have members with the skills necessary to fight a revolution.  The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter.  While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed the Standing Rock movement.  Maybe instead of trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review.  “OMG.  This report is just a collection of opinions.  There are almost no numbers.  Though I do agree with one of their points.  Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

US/Russia cyber task force visits Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Ten members of the US/Russia cyber security unit visited Bolingbrook to “secure our friend’s village.”

A member of the Bolingbrook IT Commission, who asked to be called Morpheus, said he was called into the meeting on Sunday morning by Mayor Roger Claar:

“Roger introduced me to the members, who just happened to all be Russians.  They told him that Bolingbrook was susceptible to attack from ISIS and Russia was here to help.  Roger said he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I should have reminded him of the story of the Trojan Horse, but I didn’t.”

According to other members of the IT Commission, the meeting started off with one of the task force members handing an envelope to Claar.

“Your AOL password is weak,” one member allegedly said.  “Use this one instead.  ISIS will never be able to crack it.”

According to sources, Claar opened the envelope and read the suggested password:  “Thank you.  Let me use my campaign phone to change my password.  I don’t want ISIS accessing my sensitive e-mails.  Unlike Hillary Clinton, I know how to take security advice!”

The task force members then asked for the property records for all the residents who “are not friends with the Bolingbrook regime”:

“Enemies of our friends tend to have heart conditions.  Our timely intervention could be the difference between life and death.”

Claar allegedly nodded: “That’s very kind of you to help our residents.”

A task force member allegedly replied: “A friend of Trump is a friend of ours.”

After thirteen hours of discussing Village Hall’s cyber security, ways to tap into the internet connections of Bolingbrook residents, and plans to build “a firewall against fake news”, the task force members left the meeting.  Claar then checked his Twitter feed.  Some eyewitnesses said his face turned red.

“Trump just disavowed the commission!”  Claar then called the police to demand the arrest of the task force members.

According to Syntax Error, a “white hat” hacker with ties to Bolingbrook village hall, Bolingbrook wasn’t compromised.  “The police caught the task force members.  I helped patch up the flaws made by those members.  Roger even changed his password on his AOL account.  It could have much worse, but it just turned into a warning about the dangers of social engineering hacking.”

Sources agree that once the task force members were released, Claar promptly banned them from Bolingbrook.

When reached for comment, a receptionist stated that Claar was busy talking to a “real resident,” and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking:

“So let me get this straight.  You’re calling yourself an involuntary celibate because no one in Bolingbrook wants to have sex with you.  I see.  Now you’re saying that you are entitled to a village-appointed girlfriend.  Is that right?  Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is the only thing you are entitled to.”

This was followed by the sound of a phone handset being slammed.

Also in the Babbler:

Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal vows to triumphantly return to Bolingbrook
Aliens cancel meeting with Laci Green
Chicago vampires condemn vampire role-playing game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/17

Web Exclusive: Peotone IL named finalist for site of NWO’s new Chicagoland UFO Base (Fiction)

The New World Order selected Peotone, IL as one of three finalists for a new Chicagoland UFO Base.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

The selection committee wrote: “Being located in Will County, Peotone offers many of the advantages that Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has without the disadvantage of being run by a traitorous mayor.”

After the Presidential Election, Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar switched his allegiance to the Illuminati and placed Clow under their jurisdiction.  Failing to remove Claar in the April election, the New World Order started planning a new UFO base.

A spokesman for the Peotone Village President Steven Cross, who asked to be called Carl, said the village is honored to be considered:  “We may never get the third Chicago Airport, but we have a good shot at this UFO base.  Hardly anyone will notice its construction, and the base will be underground.  That means our residents won’t be inconvenienced by the base,  unlike they would by an airport.”

Pamela Z. Stouffer, a spokesperson for Will County’s Interstellar Relations department, credited Will County Board Member Jacqueline Traynere for Peotone making the final three:  “She didn’t win the election against Roger, but she made a lot of connections within the New World Order.  Now we don’t want to get involved in the war with the Illuminati, but we can’t pass up the opportunity to be able to collect taxes from two UFO bases!”

The other sites up for consideration are the South side of Chicago, and Lake County.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel personally wrote the proposal for their site:  “What better way to stick it to Roger than to build a UFO Base in Chicago?  I will waive all taxes on interstellar trade if you promise to pay off our city’s pensions.  Unlike a certain president, we know how to make great deals for the right sentient beings.”

Lake County’s proposal is a classified number of smaller bases connected by subways lines.  Officials say that their plan will allow all of Lake County to profit, rather than one community.

“We get a lot of visitors from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel,” said one county official.  “When they visit our many synagogues, they always complain about the car ride from Bolingbrook.  Under our plans, visitors can land in Lake County, then walk to the synagogue of their choice.  What a concept!”

Lake County started its “charm offensive” by inviting representatives of the New World Order to a party to celebrate their selection.  The Maxwell Street Klezmer Band performed a concert.  County officials, wearing paper bags, told jokes to entertain the audience, and poke fun at Claar and the Illuminati.

“So the Bolingbrook Village Board is touring the solar system in a UFO.  The pilot walks into the cabin and says, ‘There’s a problem with the engines.  We might have to bail out over Earth.’    The pilot goes back to the cockpit.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz gets a parachute.  Mayor Roger Claar grabs the chute.  He says, ‘I am Bolingbrook!  I have to live.’  Roger then jumps out the airlock.  Robert grabs another chute.  Trustee Leroy Brown takes chute from Robert.  ‘I have to live because Roger needs me.’  He jumps out of the airlock.  This happens with each of the other trustees.  Finally, Robert is alone, and the pilot returns.  Robert says, ‘I don’t understand why they grabbed my chute.  There’s more than enough for everyone.’  The pilot says, ‘I don’t understand why they jumped.  We’re still over Jupiter.’”

We get letters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Once again, many readers have sent us letters; and once again, I select the best.  It has been challenging the past few months, but I finally have enough for a column.

First, an anonymous resident has a message for the #resistance:

To the Editor

The NRA is right. They’re out to get us, and our President! The only way we can fight back is to hurt the other side!  If they don’t want to be triggered, they should submit to our President and the NRA.  I’m going to buy some more guns, in case I need to defend myself!

Concerned Citizen
Bolingbrook, IL 

I don’t know.  If you have to threaten violence to defend President Donald Trump, maybe you need to rethink your support.  In the meantime, the world is already a violent place.  Let’s not make it worse.

Another Bolingbrook resident thinks the state government has given us an Independence Day gift:

To the Editor:

Did you hear the great news?  There’s no budget!  That means, there’s no state government.  We are free from the shackles of Springfield.  Chicago is isolated!  (Mayor Roger Claar) is free to create and expand Bolingbrook.  Freedom reigns!

John Z. Wellman
Bolingbrook, IL

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, and Bolingbrook stands to lose state funding that it can’t afford to lose.  We hope that the situation gets resolved this week, with minimal damage to the state.

Speaking of Bolingbrook, this reader offers her perspective on the 6/13/17 Village Board meeting:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook First Party claims that it supports Mayor Roger Claar, and is opposed to the Bolingbrook United Party.

Let’s look at one simple fact:  In the June meeting, all the members of Bolingbrook First voted with Bolingbrook United’s Robert Jaskiewicz 90 percent of the time.  This alliance between Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United is unholy and is a betrayal of Roger!

In April of 2018, everyone will have the chance to vote for the only political party that fully supports Roger!  The Roger Claar party is the only party you should be voting for next year.  Why? Because we will amend the village charter to disqualify any candidates or office holders who do not fully support Roger.  This is the key to reuniting Bolingbrook!

Don’t waste your time with the so-called Bolingbrook First Party.  Next year, vote for the party that is proud to name itself after Roger Claar!

Megan X Sherman
Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
Bolingbrook, IL

It could be, or it could be that there were no controversial issues on the agenda, and Jaskiewicz wasn’t going to vote against Claar for the sake of voting against Claar.

That’s all for this week.  Have a fun and safe Fourth of July.  Maybe we’ll see you at The All-American Celebration?

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar looks for oil in his backyard
Aliens offer to invade Illinois, ‘to restore order’
Bolingbrook police raid illegal tank factory
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook starts Bitcoin mining operation (Fiction)

Faced with Illinois’s financial uncertainties, sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is using the village’s computers to mine for Bitcoins.

BitcoinA source with ties to Bolingbrook’s IT Commission explained the decision: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I mean bold measures.  Yes, bold measures!  Roger is making bold decisions!  That’s why he’s mayor.”

Bitcoin, a currency found on the Internet, was introduced in 2009.  It is popular among libertarians, hackers, and people who don’t trust governments.  Special computer programs mine for newly created Bitcoins.

Another source explained Claar’s interest in Bitcoins:  “Right now, One Bitcoin is worth $2541.80.  Imagine what we could do with a bunch of them!”

A village employee, who asked to be called Jane, said Roger personally installed a Bitcoin mining program on her PC.  “He said it would make money for the village.  I started to ask a question, but then he added that if I stopped asking questions, he would also install a screensaver with pictures of his granddaughter.  How could I resist?”

Another employee, who asked to be called Beth, said she told Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz about the mining operation:  “I showed him my screen, and said I was making money for the village.  I tried to rub it in and say that Roger is a genius.  He just looked at the screen and said it was interesting.  Then he walked over to Roger’s office and slowly knocked on the door.  I got out of there because I had a bad feeling.”

The following is a transcript of Jaskiewicz’s conversation with Claar compiled from eyewitness accounts:

Jaskiewicz:  Are you really Bitcoin mining?

Claar:  Yes.  We have to think outside of the box if we’re going to survive.  The state is on the verge of junk bond status, and we could lose control of our property taxes.  Bitten coin mining could save our revenue stream.  Have you seen the current exchange rate?  Personally, it’s about time I got something good from the Internet!

Jaskiewicz: Roger, you’re going to spend more on electricity than you’ll earn in Bitcoins.  That’s assuming you find a reputable exchange site.  You’d be better off farming World of Warcraft Gold or Eve Online ISK.  Still, either of those ideas won’t make up for the loss in state revenue.

Claar:  What do you suggest?

Jaskiewicz:  For starters, the Bolingbrook Golf Club—

Claar:  You keep my golf club out of this!

When called for comment, a receptionist for said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like intern Charlene said, “Good news, Roger!  I just sent a message to all the Democratic leaders in Cook County telling them they’re not invited to The All-American Celebration on July 4.”

“I hope you didn’t send a message to Representative Dan Lipinski.  He helped me out in the last election.  Daily Kos says he might have been the key to my victory.”

“Uh oh.”

“Oh don’t worry.  I have Dan on speed dial.  We’ll get this straightened out.”

Off-world Jews kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten Jewish lesbians — from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel — were kicked out of the Chicago Dyke March, along with three Jewish Earthlings.  They were removed from the march because they were rallying behind a gay pride flag with a Star of David.

According to the Windy City Times, the flags “made people feel unsafe,” because the march was “anti-Zionist” and “pro-Palestinian.”

Navit, a resident of the Asher world, was outraged by the decision: “I traveled several light years and endured a bus ride from Bolingbrook to make this march.  Now they’re kicking me out because of the Star of David?  Why wasn’t this a problem the previous three times I attended?”

Kalanit, a resident of the Levi world, was confused by the expulsion.  “I don’t agree with what the state of Israel is doing to the Palestinians.  We had nothing to do with the current situation.  It happened decades before we reestablished contact with Earth.  Besides, even the Jews on Earth have different opinions on the treatment of Palestinians under Israeli occupation.  Expelling us from a march doesn’t help.  It just pushes us into the arms of Prime Minister Netanyahu.”

“Ew!” Said Navit.  “Seriously, if you have a problem with the Israeli government, you should protest them, and leave other Jews out of it.”

Iliana Figueroa, a member of the Dyke March Collective, gave the following statement to the Chicagoist:

“Yesterday, during the rally, we saw three individuals carrying Israeli flags super imposed on rainbow flags. Some folks say they are Jewish Pride flags. However, as a Collective, we are very much pro-Palestine. When we see these flags we know a lot of folks who are under attack by Israel see the visuals of the flag as a threat, so we don’t want anything in the [Dyke March] space that can inadvertently or advertently express Zionism,” she said. “So we asked the folks to please leave. We told them people in the space were feeling threatened.”

Another member, who spoke anonymously to the Babbler, also defended the decision:

“If these aliens believed in justice, they would invade Israel and liberate the Palestinians.  They don’t.  So we know what their real agenda is!”

Both alien women say they still intend to visit the Chicago area in the future.

“The members of Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim are always very welcoming to us.  They understand that preserving Jewish culture doesn’t mean believing in God.  These congregations alone make the trip to Earth worthwhile.”

They also said they would continue to attend Pride events on Earth, but will avoid the Chicago Dyke March in the future.

“When did being Jewish and being a queer become incompatible?” They asked.

Also in the Babbler:

Anonymous fooled into leaking fake alien video
Sources:  Mayor Claar asked to host talk show on Fox News
Transphobic AI obsessed with suspending Facebook accounts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/17

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Antifa denied booth at Village Picnic (Fiction)

Content notice: Satirical depictions of Fascists. Reminder: This is a work of fiction.

Organizers of the Village of Bolingbrook Annual Picnic denied a booth application from the Bolingbrook chapter of Antifa, a controversial anti-fascist movement.

Antifa, a coalition of anarchists, communists, and liberals opposed to fascism, has been involved in violent clashes with Trump supporters and neo-Nazis.  While the Bolingbrook chapter has no history of violence, organizers say the group does not fit with the theme of the picnic.

One organizer, who wished to remain anonymous, explained the commission’s decision:  “This is a family friendly event with free food, fun contests, and the opportunity to meet with representatives of community service groups.  There’s no room for politics here —  especially the radical politics espoused by antipasto, or whatever they call themselves.  We want Republicans and Democrats to come here in peace and community spirit.  Well, maybe we don’t want Cook County Democrats here, but you get the picture.”

Che Castro, who wore a hood during our interview, said she was disappointed with the decision.  “We do provide a community service by defending Bolingbrook’s diverse population against alt-white terrorists.  Our ancestors fought a world war against fascists, and we called them the greatest generation.  We fight against fascists and the corporate press compares us to terrorists.”

According to members of Bolingbrook Antifa, the group had planned many activities at their tables:  In addition to handing out flyers, visitors could spend money to shred printouts of right wing memes.  They could also pay to “dissect” a Pepe the Frog doll.  (Pepe the Frog is a cartoon frog that was appropriated by the so-called alt-right.)  Visitors to the booth could also watch members demonstrate “self-defense” techniques.

Bruce, a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denied that Antifa is a violent group:  “Bolingbrook Antifa denounces people who want to shoot politicians.  We believe in peaceful protests.  We just don’t believe in pacifism.  If fascists are going to charge at us with sticks, we’re going to fight back!  Just like our comrades did in Berkeley.  Power to the People!”

Members of the Pepe Fan Club of Bolingbrook claim they are disappointed with the decision to ban Antifa:

Joe, who wore plastic padding and a football helmet, explained:  “We were ready to prove our genetic superiority by drinking bottles of milk in front of their booth.  Then we were planning to say triggering words to get them to hit us.  Then we would have to defend ourselves until the police arrested them!  It could have been a powerful display of support for the white race.”

When asked what his group stood for, Joe replied by holding up printouts of memes and flashing various hand gestures.  Finally, he did cite a precise policy.

“We want to see the peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook, just like Richard Spencer advocates.  We will make Bolingbrook all white for the first time, and it will be glorious!  Heil Bolingbrook!  Heil victory!  Bring me a Tiki Torch!”

Both sides say they will not protest at the Village Picnic, but went on to say that there would be a confrontation between them “soon.”  They agreed that this confrontation will not happen this weekend.

The Village of Bolingbrook Annual Picnic is on June 25 at Town Center.  It runs from Noon to Six PM.

Village of Bolingbrook defends advertising on Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.

Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.

Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained:  Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  That is not the proper view.  Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit.  We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first.  Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”

In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar.  The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo.  Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.

While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts.  Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad:  “Roger’s insulting our intelligence!  Of course, it is an ad.  Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign.  It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t.  Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”

Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political.  “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy.  Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget.  This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure.  Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate?  Incredible isn’t it.  I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers.  Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual.  I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”

“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.

Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”

“Yes,” said Charline.  “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power!  The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member.  Don’t worry.   Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”

“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account.  It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”

“Impossible,” said Charline.  “The weak lie.  The powerful mold their truth onto reality.  You’re not weak.”

“I would appreciate it if you would go along.”  Said Claar.  “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”

Morales sighed.  “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy.  I’ll do it!”

“Good.  Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”

“Sure!”

“Rick, I’ve always been a patron.  Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17