Sources: Village of Bolingbrook recorded mock ‘Insurrection Alert’ video (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Village of Bolingbrook produced a “special edition of Community Matters” as part of their recent “insurrection drill.”

The video, provided by people with relatives connected Bolingbrook Community Television, simulated a live broadcast intended to warn residents of an impending “insurrection.”  Actors portrayed all the village offices on the program, including Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.

In the video, the actress portraying Alexander-Basta warned residents about an impending insurrection against Bolingbrook:

“I’m sorry to interrupt the rebroadcast of the 2016 Allied Forces concert, but this is more important than rocking out to Triumph covers.  I’ve received reliable intelligence that two militant factions are determined to seize Village Hall and install an unapproved mayor!  These irresponsible fanatics are threatening over thirty years of political stability.  I need the help of all real residents to defeat these dangerous foes and keep Bolingbrook first!”

An actor portraying Police Chief Michael Rompa provided more details:

“The insurrectionists are currently recruiting fighters.  We expect the first attacks against Mayor Mary and half the village trustees to begin on March 22nd.  These small attacks will just be warmups for the final attack on April 6.”

Later in the video, the Alexander-Basta and Rompa actors stood near Boughton Road.  The actress portraying Alexander-Basta held a “First Party for Bolingbrook” sign. The two conversed:

Alexander-Basta actress: Every two years, we post signs like this on public right-of-ways to remind residents of the names of some of their legitimate leaders.This is what a real sign looks like.  I’ve received reliable intelligence that the insurrectionists will be posting fake signs like the ones our police chief is holding.

(Rompa actor holds up Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook Independent Voices signs with the names blacked out.)

Alexander-Basta actress: Chief Rompa, what should residents do if they see one of these fake signs? Should they throw them out?

Rompa actor: Absolutely not.They could be booby trapped.  Instead, call the Public Works Department.They have a team that specializes in removing fake signs.

Alexander-Basta actress: And if a resident sees a sign on private property?

Rompa actor: Then that resident should dial (Number redacted).Our investigators will handle the situation.

The video concluded with the Alexander-Basta actress urging residents to stay at home, avoid social media, and await instructions from the village.

“Together, we will keep Bolingbrook first!”

A source close to Village Hall confirmed the authenticity of the video but insisted that it will never be broadcast:

“After the Department of Homeland Security released their domestic terrorism advisory, we wanted to make sure we could use BCTV to inform residents about any threats to the village. This video is proof that we can.  That’s all it is.”

A spokesperson for the real Alexander-Basta contacted the Babbler via Skype video call and stated:

“Do you really think The First Party for Bolingbrook would try to pass off the Consolidated Election as an insurrection?  We would never do that because we’re not afraid of the residents of Bolingbrook.  Just watch Mayor Mary talk to this constituent, and tell me she has to resort to Chicago-style trickery.”

The spokesperson then turned the camera towards Alexander-Basta, who was wearing a mask and a face shield.  She looked at a video doorbell.

“Sir, I’m on my way to Bolingbrook Snow Command, but I decided to stop by your house to hear any comments you might have for me, the Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“What happened to Roger?” replied a male voice.                                                                                  

“He retired and choose me to be his successor.”

“Great!  So when are you going to repeal his garbage tax?”

“Sir, Bolingbrook doesn’t have a garbage tax.  That’s—”

“Then what the (expletive deleted) have I been paying all these months?”

“That’s the garbage fee.  Fees are not taxes.”

“The government still gets my money!  What’s the difference?”

“Taxes are terrible.  Fees are fine.  That’s the difference.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians launch second snow attack against Illinois
Acting Mayor Mary skips mayoral debate to attend Bigfoot Zoom Conference
Clow UFO Base crew fully vaccinated against COVID
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Roger Claar Party accuses social media companies of censoring their attack ad (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with former Mayor Roger Claar, claims that social media companies are censoring their attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook.

 David Nelson, the chairperson of the Roger Claar Party, stated: “Social media companies would rather serve the Don’t Put Roger First party rather than the residents of Bolingbrook. But we will get our ad out—  even if we have to email it to every resident!  The truth is our party is committed to serving the greatest mayor ever!”

The ad, which was sent to the Babbler, claims that Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, who is running as a member of the First Party for Bolingbrook, voted with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the Bolingbrook United Party, on 98% of Village Board votes from 2019 to 2020.

At one point, the ad narrator says: “The choice is simple.  You can elect a mayor nominated by the Anti-Roger, or you can vote for a party that will stand by Roger 100%  Choose wisely, Bolingbrook.”

The ad also features photos of Alexander-Basta’s and Jaskiewicz’s faces crudely added to a video of a dancing couple.

According to Nelson, the ad was uploaded to Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, YouTube, and Gab.  The ad disappeared seconds later.

“Social media companies have allied themselves with the Anti-Roger and his evil allies!”

A Gab official, who asked not to be identified, said they deleted the video to prove they’re not biased against liberals.  “The Media says we cater to the alt-right.  That’s not true. We proved it by removing a video that was biased against a (racist remark deleted) (anti-Semitic remark deleted) village!”

The other social media companies refused to comment for this story.

A spokesperson for Bolingbrook United denounced the ad:

“Sure Bob nominated Acting Mayor Mary, but have you seen how she treats him?  Bob’s trying hard to fix our sanitation program. Mary just wants to argue about the difference between a fee and a tax.  Instead of taking a stand, she dumped Bob in a committee with (Trustee Michael) Lawler and tried to get our garbage advisory question thrown off the April ballot. If you want to provide real T.LC. for Bolingbrook, vote Bolingbrook United in and throw the First Party in the trash!”

Claar called the Roger Claar Party “a fake party,” and made several unprintable comments about Nelson before hanging up.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said it was the mayor’s day off, and she wasn’t talking to the media. She also said:

“You should write about how Mayor Mary didn’t throw anyone off the ballot this year.  Just between you and me, I think that’s a good sign.”

In the background, a man who sounded like trustee and mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts, said: “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I can bring a service animal in here.”

“Since when did you need a service animal?”

“She’s not here for me.  She’s here for you.  Meet Taffy, the deprogramming puppy.”

“Deprogramming puppy?”

“Yes.  You’ve been conditioned to always vote with the First Party.  If you’re going to run as an independent voice, you’re going to have to do better.”

“Are you accusing me of being one of Roger’s robots?”

“Call it what you want, Sheldon, but Taffy is here to help you.”

“How?”

“By banning the sale of commercially bred pets in Bolingbrook.  Look at her smile.  Good girl.  Taffy’s happy because she thinks you are going to propose a humane pet store ordinance at the next board meeting.  She knows that if you do that (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) will second it.”

“He will?”

“Trust me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Anyway, When it comes up for discussion, the mean mayor will say the village shouldn’t take sides between the cruel puppy mill breeders and puppy loving residents of Bolingbrook.  That will make Taffy sad.”

“Taffy understands English?”

“She’s a smart puppy.  She’s so smart that she knows the puppy loving voters are the key to victory.”

“But I don’t have the votes on the board.”

“Yes, you do.  I figured it out.  Michael and you will vote yes.  Bob will recognize this as his last opportunity to defeat the First Party and vote yes.  Then Trustee Zarate will break down and vote yes.  You’ll look like a brave compassionate independent leader.  No one will want to vote for a mean mayor.  So that’ll just leave (Mayoral candidate Jackie) Traynere in our way!  But if you vote with the First Party, Taffy will be sad.  You don’t want Taffy to be sad, do you?”

“Seriously?  You want me to choose a puppy over Mayor Mary?”

A dog barked for few moments.

“Don’t say the ‘M’ word around Taffy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for Russian snow attack
Bolingbrook Police unions denounce revised ‘Don’t be a Drew’ training video
Local reptoids insist they have no plans for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Peace talks breakdown between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs (Fiction)

A meeting between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs to end recent coyote attacks against dogs ended in a brawl.  The Palatine Police Paranormal Task Force and the Cook County Department of Cryptozoological Management arrested ten participants for rioting and illegal coyote hunting.

“While we appreciate that some of our local weredog residents tried to help,” said Sheila Z. Blake, spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department, “We will not tolerate rioting in our village. It’s almost as bad as protesting against us!”

According to a few weredogs and werecoyotes, who asked not to be named, both sides agreed to talk following the death of two dogs in Palatine.  Both sides agreed that the talks were friendly at first.  However, they disagreed on where things went wrong.

One of the weredogs blamed the werecoyotes:  “We said their cousins were bad because they killed two of our cousins.  They accused us of being colonizers and said we should teach our cousins not to bark at them.  Barking is a choice between a dog and its human alpha.  They shouldn’t take that choice away.”

A werecoyote offered a different version:  “We were here first.  If humans didn’t want to deal with us, then you shouldn’t have built your homes here.  If anything, our cousins are trying to be good neighbors.  We hunt rodents and other small animals.  It’s sad that two dogs died, but what about astronauts in orbit?  This is how you play ‘what about,’ right?”

Cynthia, a Palatine resident who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed some of the fighting:

“Those two monsters crashed through my back fence and destroyed my swing set.  The dog-like one accused the coyote-like one of threatening his girlfriend.  The coyote-like one accused her of threatening her pups and said something about the Second Amendment.  I pulled out my AR and started shooting at them.  The bullets didn’t harm them.  The coyote-like one said something about me being a loud human and ran off.  The dog-like one started jumping up and down and bragged about beating up the coyote.  I told him he was a bad dog for damaging my property, and he should go home.  Then he changed into a giant dog.  He whimpered, lowered his tail, and ran away.  I thought things like this only happened in Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz said the Mayor was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You should be writing about how our region just moved to Tier 2 mitigation instead.”

In the background, a man said: “Your honor, because of the new police reforms, chokeholds will be banned, suspects won’t be jailed based on their ability to pay, and people will be able to file anonymous complaints against us.”

“Just like people can file complaints against hairstylists!” said another man.

“This is too much!  If you don’t persuade the governor to veto this bill, we won’t protect Palatine!”

“Can’t.”

“Can’t?  Oh!  Oops!  What I really meant to say is that if these reforms are passed, we can’t protect Palatine.”

“I don’t know about that,” said a man who sounded like Mayor Jim Schwantz.  “The Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl with Barry Switzer as the head coach.  I doubt this bill will be as much of a burden for you officers as Coach Wishbone was for my team.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doomsday Crew returns to Clow UFO Base
Palatine, Peotone, and Clow UFO bases set to reopen on 2/1/21
COVID Vaccines also provide immunity from zombie viruses
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Link: Anaiise Diaz on sessions from Martin Luther King Jr. (Non-fiction)

Anaiise Diaz, former Social Justice and Legislative Assistant at the American Humanist Association, recently wrote an article for The Humanist called “What Martin Luther King Jr. Taught Me.”

I shed light on Dr. King not because he’s the easiest name to remember when it comes to Black history but because of his humanism. King embodied the image of the non-violent, heavily religious, pro-church individual. But to me, he embodied the rational, non-violent humanist who railed against uncritical ways of thinking.

The Humanist is published by the American Humanist Association.  It isn’t perfect, but it is one of the better atheist/humanistic organizations still out there.

Martian Colonies send ‘peacekeepers’ to Illinois (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

Thousands of Martian Colonial marines landed in Illinois as part of a “peacekeeping force” to protect Earth’s UFO bases.

A statement from the colonial government read: “The humans who follow the orange god-emperor are threatening to perform a mass sacrifice in his honor.  Therefore it is prudent that we send peacekeepers to Earth to protect our visitors to our primitive neighbor.”

Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta greeted the marines at the Martian Colonial base built on the former site of Old Chicago.  She thanked them for their protection and their offer to disinfect Clow UFO Base before its planned reopening in February:

“We appreciate your protection against the divisiveness threatening our community,” said Alexander-Basta.  “As long as you don’t harm any good residents, you can stay as long as you want.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is a candidate for mayor in the April Consolidated election, argued with Alexander-Basta:  “I don’t care if they’re the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.  You shouldn’t be surrendering our sovereignty to them.  Only a trustee-mayor abomination like you would think that’s a good idea!”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” asked Alexander-Basta.

“No,” replied Watts.

Peotone Mayor Peter March said he was surprised by the arrival of the marines:

“They think they can just drop by and set up a military base without my permission.  Well, I guess they can.  I just wish they would have been polite about it and let me know first.  Now I have to rework our zoning map and hope no one notices.”

Reid Ottesen, the Palatine Village Manager said he was informed of the deployment in advance, and made arrangements to station the troops under the METRA station:

“Thanks to the New World Order, we were able to get Starbucks to move out of the station so we could use the space to tunnel under the station.  I know some residents aren’t happy about that, but they would have been unhappier with the original plan.  I’m not worried though.  Rob Sherman UFO Base will have extra protection, and the Colonial government promised to open a new coffee store to cover up the entrance to their base.  I just hope it’s safe for human consumption.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz then entered the video chat and said, “What’s going on?”

“I’m just telling this reporter that our village board is doing such a great job that all the incumbents, including you, will be unopposed in the upcoming election.”

“That’s right.  And this Fremd graduate did it without a political party or a bloated campaign fund.”

Representative Adam Kinzinger greeted troops as they arrived at Hub 35 in Rochelle:

“I’ve had to hide out here since I posted that video.  Good thing I didn’t succeed when I tried to shut down Hub 35. Kidding.  You know, Trump forgot the 12th Commandment.  Thou shalt not kill your fellow Republican!  The only bright spot is that there’s finally a notable difference between Jeanne Ives and myself.  That will help when I run for governor!”

Zlogot, an alien resident who lives in Creston, IL, is pleased that Martian Colonial troops are in Illinois:

“Trump is like a drug that makes humans forget about germ theory and suppresses their empathy.  Now I can fly my modified golf cart around and not worry about being shot at because I have a Biden bumper sticker!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base ‘Doomsday Crew’ survives receiving the Venus COVID vaccine
Lisle’s trees approve candidates for the April election
Aliens will be able to abduct Bolingbrook residents starting in May
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: President Trump expelled from the Illuminati (Fiction)

File photo of Donald Trump at Clow International Airport.

The Illuminati expelled Donald Trump tonight for his “huge failure to overthrow the United States government.”

QAnon, accompanied by members of the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway, announced the expulsion:

“We gave him a storm, three people in the line of Presidential Succession in one building, and mostly cooperative Capitol Police officers.  All he had to do was start the Second Civil War.  Simple, right?  But he (expletive deleted) that up.  So we had no choice but to (expletive deleted) him over!”

The decision strips Trump of his Illuminati pension, access to Illuminati rituals, bans his social media accounts, and places him on the “Pedo” list.  

“My followers will learn about Trump’s sexual crimes, but don’t worry.  They’ll also learn that Trump has a secret twin brother, Pete.  Pete is the hero they’ve actually been worshiping!  Pete is the one with the six-pack abs and cares about children.  The Q family will then know Donald has always been a loser and will drop him like Trump’s credit rating!”

QAnon then looked down at the floor:

“Hey, dad!  If you’re looking up at me, I’m screwing over a President.  When you meet Donald, he won’t know anything about you, but he’ll know about me!  That must burn more than the pitchforks poking you right now!”

A masked member of the Order expressed his personal anger at Trump:

“I nearly lost my public job because of Trump.  I had a long career, but my obituaries will always express my support for (expletive deleted) Donald.  I figured he could at least start the Second Civil War so I could rid California of garbage toters!  He failed, and he almost got my friend (Vice-President Mike Pence) killed.  Who knows what those zip tie guys would have done to him?  When we’re done with Donald, maybe they’ll go after him.  Ford!  I mean Fnord!”

President-elect Joe Biden, who is a member of the Illuminati and the New World Order, addressed the Order over Zoom:

“All of you know me as a bipartisan guy.  But here’s the deal:  Trying to kill Democrats and Republicans is the wrong kind of bipartisanship!  Killing delusional people is also wrong.  An Air Force Veteran turned against her country and lost her life for a lie.  Police loving civilians transformed into cop killers because of a lie.  Law and order supporters turned into rioters because of a lie.  For what?  Neither the Illuminati nor the New World Order got anything out of this insurrection.  Both sides lost.  We can’t go on like this.  Donald needs to suffer for what he did.  Then we need to come together and end the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.  If we stop fighting each other, we can make a great world for everyone!”

“Whatever,” said QAnon, as she rolled her eyes.

“We need to talk,” Biden replied.  “And in the meantime, leave my son alone!”

No one answered the phone at the White House when this reporter tried to reach Trump for comment.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Weredogs and Wereskunks clash over the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Weredogs and wereskunks clashed in front of the Promenade Bolingbrook over the sale of commercially bred puppies. Although there were heated arguments, and one spraying incident, the Department of Paranormal Affairs made no arrests.

Part of the department’s press release about the incident stated: “Bolingbrook’s shapeshifters have freedom of speech.  We just wish they wouldn’t use it.”

Twelve weredogs, in their war dog form, picketed behind the Promenade. They at times chanted: “Puppies Matter!”  Six wereskunks counter protested across the street, sometimes chanting: “Dogs are dumb!”

Ralph, a weredog pack leader, claims that a new pet store, Puppy Love, will be selling puppies from “puppy mills:” 

“These breeders are in it for profit, not love.  They impregnate mothers regardless of their health, provide inadequate health care, and don’t care if puppies receive proper socialization.  Bolingbrook residents would be appalled if someone opened a baby store.  They should be appalled that Bolingbrook will soon have two stores that sell puppies from these puppy factories!”

Petland is the other store that sells commercially bred puppies.

According to Ralph, weredogs were working with Bolingbrook officials to draft a “humane pet store ordinance.”  The weredogs decided to protest when they heard about the opening of Puppy Love.

Darla, a weredog and lifelong Bolingbrook resident, believes there are humane alternatives to puppy mills:

“Shelters like Humane Haven are filled with puppies looking for homes.  Don’t listen to the eugenicists, I mean breeders.  Shelter puppies make great companions!”

Sherry, a wereskunk alpha, shouted several unprintable insults at the weredogs.  She believes that pet stores represent “freedom:”

“Every Bolingbrook resident has the right to take out a loan for up to 200% interest to buy a sick puppy!  This is what defending your freedom is all about!  Don’t let them take away your freedom!”

Steve, another wereskunk, thinks pet stores are the key to Bolingbrook’s economic recovery.  “Bolingbrook needs all the tax revenue it can get.  So what if a store sells sick puppies?  The tax revenue that the store generates will prevent the village from choosing between funding the police, or funding the Bolingbrook Golf Club!  Dogs are too dumb to understand that.”

Trustees Michael Carpanzano and Robert Jaskiewicz met with protesters on both sides.  Carpanzano told the weredogs that he created a web page to promote pet adoption.  He also bragged to the wereskunks that he has never proposed an ordinance to ban the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook:

“I’m for all businesses!  Except for Marijuana dispensaries, of course.”

Jaskiewicz encouraged the weredogs to promote online petitions calling for a ban on the sale of mill puppies and other commercially bred pets.

“If Naperville can ban the selling of mill puppies, we can too.  The members of the First Party for Bolingbrook won’t listen to me, but they might listen to potential voters like you.”

Carpanzano held a rubber carp in front of Jaskiewicz’s face, then walked away.

“I hate it when he carps me,” said Jaskiewicz.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

Her receptionist said: “She’s in the middle of a very important phone call.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “I’m sorry, Mr. President.  There is no way I can legally find 1,025,024 votes for you in Bolingbrook…Please call me Mayor Mary.  Not (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) fake mayor Maria.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheists accidentally airdrop ‘humanitarian aid’ crate on Bolingbrook house
Governor Pritzker denies plans to send the national guard to DuPage Township
Will County Health Department contains zombie plague in Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/6/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. I am against puppy mills. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

White Wine in the Sun (Non-fiction)

It’s that time of year:  “White Wine in the Sun” performed by Tim Minchin on the Late Late Show back in December of 2017.  I refer to this version as the Dawkins Free version because he removed the reference to Richard Dawkins.

It’s my favorite holiday song, and not because of Tim’s commentary on Christmas traditions.  It’s my favorite because ideally, Christmas should be about gathering with or thinking about the people you love.

When my wife and I were still dating, I took her to a Tim Minchin concert.  Someday she’ll forgive me.  I later introduced her to this song, and she liked it.

Until next week, Happy Holidays!

Flashback to 1991: The Replacements survive their final concert at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

From the Webmaster: While our staff is enjoying a socially distanced holiday week, I’m posting this article from 1991.  Don’t worry, we’ll be back next week with our Council of Psychics’ predictions for 2021.

Paul Westerberg of The Replacements plays guitar while an alien stands next to him.

Paul Westerberg (Right), the lead singer of The Replacements, greets an alien fan (Left) on stage.

By Reporter X

Controversial rock band The Replacements performed their final concert at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Despite their self-destructive tendencies, many in the audience said it was their best performance.

“It was amazing,” said Olsto Gustdo, an alien music critic from the Quad Stars Collective.  “They were sober and didn’t play any covers.  I can now regenerate knowing that I witnessed such a rare event!”

Blezod, also from the Quad Stars Collective, agreed: “(The Replacements) achieved peak alternativeness.  They were popular enough for me to hear, but not too popular that everyone knew who they were.  It is an undeniable fact that once a band becomes popular, they suck!  That is why I hope the Goo Goo Dolls never become popular.  Never heard of them?  They sound like the Replacements would if they were buried under coal and maple syrup then dumped into a cup filled with the blended remains of the New York Dolls!  Buy my zine because it’s cooler than H.E.L.P. Magazine!”

Sources inside the Department of Interstellar Affairs say Mayor Roger Claar arranged the concert to celebrate Rachel Rosenthal, the daughter of former mayor Edward Rosenthal, going off to college.  Some of the sources believe Claar wanted to make a gesture of goodwill towards his former rival.

“Roger needs to be on Ed’s good side,” said one source.  “He knows where all the bodies are buried.  Not real bodies, of course.  Anyway, Ed is the only person in Bolingbrook who could thwart Roger’s dream of being the longest-serving mayor of Bolingbrook. That’s why Roger has to make up for years of arguing with Ed when they both served on the village board.  It’s going to take more than a concert to fix their relationship.  I hear Ed is still upset over Roger complaining about the cost of replacing the wallpaper in the mayor’s bathroom.  Roger knew that Ed was just hiding the cost of the new missile defense system in that budget line item.”

Though the band officially broke up following their performance at this year’s Taste of Chicago, Claar had the Men in Blue bring the band’s members to Clow UFO Base.  He commanded them to do one last performance at Clow.

According to eyewitnesses, Claar said: “I don’t know the difference between The Replacements and The Ramones, but I know what I want.  I want you to give your best performance this weekend.  That crap you pulled at Heebie Jeebies? Unacceptable!”

The band members initially refused.  Bassist Tommy Stinson said he needed to recruit musicians for his new band, Bash and Pop.  Drummer Steve Foley said he was through performing Paul Westerberg’s solo material.  Guitarist Slim Dunlap said he didn’t perform at science fiction conventions: “This isn’t even a good sci-fi convention.  The costumes suck.  This venue sucks.  There’s no (expletive deleted) way I’m taking this gig seriously.  You’re lame for even asking me to perform.”

“I’m not asking you to perform,” Claar replied.  “I’m commanding you to perform!  And I’m not lame!  I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook, and the only Mayor of Bolingbrook to be reelected.”

“Oooh!” Westerberg sarcastically replied.  “Mayor Rum and Coke got reelected.  Color me impressed.”

As Claar lectured the band about why they should be impressed, Westerberg poured rum and coke into his mouth.  He then spat it at Claar.  Claar charged at Westerberg, and the room descended into mayhem.

“I’ve never seen this side of Roger,” said an eyewitness.  “If Roger jumped into a mosh pit, everyone else would be on the floor in seconds!”

When the Men in Blue restored order, Claar issued an ultimatum to the band:

“If you don’t give me your best performance this weekend, I will have the New World Order alter your brains so all of you can never get drunk or high ever again.  Each of you will spend the rest of your lives remembering that you squandered your chance at success!  You’ll remember sabotaging your Saturday Night Live performance.  You’ll feel guilty knowing that you stole that gig from a deserving band, and no drug or drink will cover up that guilt!”

“But,” protested Westerberg, “We’ll lose our alternative cred if we do what you say.”

“Fine.  Don’t do your best!”

Westerberg sighed.  “We’ll do our best, but we’re wearing women’s clothes and make-up!”

“Whatever!  Just give me a good concert so Ed will like me!”

After days of sober rehearsals, the Replacements finally performed in front of Claar, the Rosenthal family, and several thousand others.  The band started off their set with the song “Talent Show”, then proceeded to do solid performances through to the first encore.  The Rosenthal family and Claar seemed pleased.

However, the tone changed at the start of the band’s second encore:

“This song is dedicated to Mayor Rum and Coke,” said Westerberg.

The Replacements then performed “Waitress in the Sky.”  Claar flipped off the band from his skybox.

“Oh my god!” said the youngest Rosenthal daughter over the PA system. (Due to an agreement with the Rosenthal family, the Babbler will not print her name.)  “That’s so sexist!  You guys are just as bad as Guns N’ Roses.”

Westerberg started to say that his sister is a flight attendant, but Stinson then shouted unprintable remarks about Guns N’ Roses and the youngest Rosenthal.

Former Mayor Rosenthal stepped up to the microphone.  “Execute him,” he said.  The entire auditorium fell silent.

“Just kidding,” Rosenthal replied.  “I no longer control the Men in Blue.  But since you find the idea of working for Guns N’ Roses so appalling, I know people who can force you to join them.”

“Yeah,” added the youngest daughter.  “When Axl Rose is your boss, you’ll wish you were dead!”

The band ended the concert by performing “Anywhere’s Better Than Here.”  When the band left the stage, the Men in Blue erased each member’s memories of being at Clow UFO Base, then sent them back to Minneapolis.

Michael Lawler, an IT consultant for Clow UFO Base, loved the performance.  “Clow rocks!  Roger rocks!  I wish I could rock half as hard as Roger does!”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Replacements?  I wish the Babbler would replace you with a reporter who doesn’t call me at 2 AM!”

Rachel Rosenthal said she appreciated the effort Claar put into organizing the concert.  However, she said: “He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he’d just booked Material Issue instead.  They’re a Chicagoland band, and they always put on a good show.”

Also in the Babbler (1991)

‘World Wide Web’ could entangle Bolingbrook
Aliens beg Sen. Gore to focus on climate change instead of music lyrics
Mayor Claar promises the village will be debt-free by 2001
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/7/91

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.