FtB Mothers Day Anthology: Think of your children

Note: This story is set in the same continuity as the upcoming Bolingbrook Babbler novel.  If you like this story or Freethought Blogs in general, please consider supporting our Mother’s Day fundraiser.

Sara Langston noticed her publisher, James, marching towards her desk.

She spoke into her cellphone: “I have to go, Jacob, but I’ll be home tonight.”

“Okay,” replied Jacob.  “You won’t forget?”

“I’ll remember,” Sara replied.  “Because I always think about you.  Good-bye.”

“Goodbye, mommy.”

Sara ended the call and looked up at James.  “I’m almost finished with—”

“We need to talk.  In my office.”

James immediately turned and started towards his office.  Sara rose from her desk and rushed to catch up to him.  As she did, she remembered when the Star newsroom was crowded with reporters.  Most of them were still upset over the management’s decision to downsize from four Chicago suburban bureaus.  Now half the desks were empty, and the remaining reporters now covered more than one community.

James pushed the door open and walked towards his desk.  Sara stopped the door from closing long enough for her to enter.

“Sit,” James bluntly said as he sat down.

Sara sat down, concerned about what was coming next.

James paused for a few beats.  “The mayor of Bolingbrook says you’re trying to arrange an interview with him.”

Sara tensed slightly.  “I don’t think this is appropriate—”

“Dan says Bolingbrook is part of Jennifer’s beat.”

“Yes, but the speech is in Rosemont, which is part of my beat.”

“Why do you need to interview Robert Clark?  Why are you putting our advertising at risk?”

“Because I still have questions, and I—”

“It’s one damn speech,” said James, raising his voice.  “Are you willing to risk one of our papers over a speech? We’ve already lost the Romeoville Star.”

“If it’s one speech then Robert shouldn’t have a problem answering my questions,” Sara replied.

“What questions?”

Sara didn’t reply.  How could she tell him about the mysterious voice on her taped interview with a village spokesperson?  A voice she didn’t remember hearing.  A voice that dictated the article she was about to write.

“Look,” sighed James.  “If you need more work, there are plenty of other communities Dan can give you.  Jennifer’s built up quite a rapport with Mayor Clark.  She’s given us exclusive stories that help our circulation, and that have boosted our ad revenue.  Bolingbrook accounts for a good portion of our ads.  Robert knows that.  He’s not just the mayor of Bolingbrook.  He’s one of the most powerful Republicans in the state.   Have you seen his campaign fund numbers?”

“No, but—”

“Way out of proportion for a village like Bolingbrook.  He’s one of our biggest clients around election season.  Hell, he could buy the Star with his fund and still have money left over. He also has pull with a lot of businesses — and not just in Bolingbrook.”  James sighed.  “Sara, you need to focus on your communities.  You’ve cultivated great sources.  You have written some great stories, like the red light cameras in Des Planes.  That’s where your focus needs to be, Sara.  Not Bolingbrook.”

“I have not neglected my communities,” Sara protested.  “I just need to ask Robert a few more questions about a story that affects Rosemont.  Then I’ll be done.”

James shook his head.  “Let me give you some advice, Sara.  I’m not a reporter.  You’re a good reporter.  I do know the business side of journalism, and let me tell you, our industry is dying.  The only paper in the black around here is the Babbler.  They’ve got the weird tabloid market covered.  There’s no way I could publish the crap they publish and make a profit.  Nor would you write for them.”

Sara didn’t answer.

“You have kids, right?”

“Yes,” Sara replied.  “Jacob and Monique.”

“Before you go any further with your vendetta against Robert, you need to think about your children.  Because if I lose any more money, there are going to be more layoffs.  Now, because you did me a huge favor when you stopped me from hiring that college kid…”

“I merely warned you about his behavior at that convention.  He could have been fixable.”

“True, but we couldn’t take that chance.  I don’t think you should be taking chances with your career.  So I would suggest you stop bothering Robert, focus on your communities, and in a few months, we might need an editor for the Northwest Region.  Understand?”

***

Sara and her husband Peter sat on a bench in Knights of Columbus Park watching Jacob and Monique playing on the swing set.  

“Don’t push your sister too high!” Peter yelled.

“Okay,” Jacob replied.  Monique laughed.

Peter’s smile faded as he turned towards Sara.

“You’re going to do what he says?”

“After I get the answers.”

“Sara,” replied Peter.  “You can’t afford to lose this job.  Remember how long it took you to get hired by the Star?”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Sara replied.

“I think you should have been assigned to Bolingbrook,” said Peter.  “It’s our home, but you didn’t.  Jennifer got it.  You have to accept that.”

“Peter,” Sara snapped.  “It’s not about that.”

“What is it about?”

“I want answers.”

Peter gave Sara a befuddled look.  “Answers?  Since when did you care about digging for answers?”

“Since I heard that recorded voice.”  Sara looked around.  “You heard it too.”

“Yeah,” Peter replied.  “It was creepy, but maybe there’s another explanation for it.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe it’s from a previous recording.  Maybe it was from another room.  Maybe someone secretly added it to your tape as a joke.  There has to be a reasonable explanation.”

“If there is one, why won’t the mayor provide it?  Why are people threatening me?”

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t mean there’s a mystery.  Remember that convention you covered?  The one that opposed the supernatural?”

“Debunked.”

“Yeah.  Maybe they can debunk this voice on the tape.”

“Oh, they can debunk it,” Sara replied.  “I heard all kinds of debunking that weekend, but you know what I didn’t hear.  I didn’t hear any of them trying to find out the truth.  Most of them were sincere, but some of them—”

“Listen to yourself,” Peter interrupted.  “You’re starting to sound like a Babbler reporter.  What next?  Aliens used the Illuminati’s 5G network to plant a subliminal message on your tape recorder?”

“You’re mocking me?” Sara loudly protested.

“Mommy?” asked Monique.

“Mommy’s fine,” Sara replied.  “Keep playing.”  Sara paused for a moment then whispered to Peter.  “You should be supporting me.”

“I do support you,” Peter replied in a firm but subdued tone.  “I see what this is doing to you.  You have to let it go.  Think of our children.”

***

Jacob slipped as he kicked the soccer ball.  The goalie fell in front of the ball and let it roll into his chest.

“Good try honey!” Sara called out from the bleachers.  She enthusiastically clapped.  “Next time you’ll get it.  Don’t give up.”  She looked at the other parents sitting on the lower level.  Peter was with Monique at her Martial Arts class.  While she was proud of her progress in class, she preferred the fresh air while watching Jacob’s team play, and hoping to see his first goal.

A few minutes later, a man said, “Excuse me?  Are you Sara?”

Sara looked up.  The man was holding a worn-out notepad.  His red polo shirt and blue jeans were both faded.

Sara replied: “Yes.  You must be Mr. Watts?”

“Call me Don.”  Don motioned towards the bench.  “May I?”

Sara nodded.

Don sat down.  “Like I said, I got the copy of your tape.  I had a colleague confirm its authenticity.  You were very fortunate to get that recording.  You impressed my editor and my publisher.  You’re with the Star, right?”

“Do you know what it is?”

Don nodded.  “I do.”  He looked out at the field.

“And?” asked Sara.

“Which one is your son?”

“Why do you want to know?”

Don pulled a pen out of his shirt pocket.  “Because there are consequences to knowing the answer.”  He opened his notepad.  “Now, I don’t care about my exes.  My daughter is safe, but I hardly see her.  Writing for the Babbler is interesting, but it can only keep you going for so long.”

“Your point?”

“You have a family.  Don’t worry.  I didn’t dig too much.  They probably know more.”

“They?”

Don looked out at the field again.  “They call Bolingbrook the pathway village for a reason.  You’re at a crossroads, so to speak.  I can tell you that you’re not imagining things and that I can take over the investigation.  I don’t think the Star would mind me stealing a story like this from them.  The point is, you would go back to your family, and be done with it.”

“Or?”

Don faced Sara.  “Or I can extend an invitation to you.  We’re looking for an editor, and you’ve caught our publisher’s attention.  You’d probably start off making more than I do. But you’d be starting down a dark, lonely, and possibly risky path.  The good thing would be that Robert would tolerate you.  The bad thing is almost no one will believe what you’ll tell them.  You will be stuck with us for the rest of your career.  The worst part is, you’ll attract the attention of forces and people far more dangerous than Robert.  We have a pretty good survival rate, but some of us don’t come out unscathed.  And that doesn’t include the Olson family.  But then again.  You’ll have a far better view of how Bolingbrook and the rest of the world works.”  Don looked back at the field.  “But you have to think about your children.”

Sara glanced out at the field then locked her eyes on Don.  “Don, right?”

“Yes.”

“Don, when I was growing up, my parents were just happy I wasn’t running with the wrong people.  They didn’t volunteer at my clubs, or watch my games.  They weren’t bad.  They were just too busy to think about me all the time.  So when I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, I promised myself that I would always think about my children.  What I’m thinking right now is that there is something going on that I don’t understand and I need to understand it. I want to know what kind of world I’m sending my kids into, and I need to know what I can do to make it a better world.  I’d rather be Cassandra than Koalemos.  So stop asking about my children, and start answering my questions.”

Don sighed.  “Very well.  When do you want to meet the Olson family?”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mother’s Day Fundraiser (Non-Fiction)

This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day and it will also be the Freethought Blogs Mother’s Day Fundraising Anthology.  Richard Carrier’s SLAPP case against Freethought Blogs was settled back in 2019, but there are still legal bills left to be paid.  I, along with some of my fellow bloggers here, will post works with Mother’s Day as the theme.  I’ll post the links once I have them.  My contribution is a short story set in the same continuity as the upcoming Bolingbrook Novel.  (Which I might be able to publish this year.)

Feel free to make an early donation.  Any amount will be appreciated and will help us finally move on from that dark chapter.  I will add a stretch goal:  Between now and midnight on 5/10/21 CDT, if we raise $5000 or more, I will go to a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting and ask a question during public comments.  Something I haven’t done since around 2009, and back then, none of them knew who I was.

So if you want to see me make history, support my fellow bloggers, and enjoy a great anthology, make a donation!

New World Order and aliens throw retirement party for Trustee Jaskiewicz (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

By Reporter X

The New World Order and Interstellar Commonwealth representatives hosted a surprise party for outgoing Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, was elected to the Village Board in 2017 as the first opposition trustee in over 30 years.  He decided not to run for reelection in 2021.

“You could have told me,” said a surprised Jaskiewicz.  “I would have prepared a speech.”

Jaskiewicz’s supporters and friends gathered at Bolingbrook United’s embassy, which will soon be converted to the Giamanco Law Partners’ Interstellar Affairs office.  Many embassy staff members thanked Jaskiewicz for his service:

“I was so depressed before you were elected,” said Beth Z. Wilkerson, a Covert Affairs Specialist.  “I loved helping our visitors, but I hated working for (Former Mayor Roger Claar).  Then you hired me and you helped me rediscover my love for covert work.  You cared for Bolingbrook and our guests more than your interstellar campaign fund.  Unfortunately, the voters didn’t replace you, so I’m taking a job at Rob Sherman UFO Base.  It just won’t be the same.”

Losgotus, leader of one of the Martian Colonies, made a rare visit to Earth to personally congratulate Jaskiewicz: “When we heard that Roger allied with President Trump and defected to the New World Order, I wanted to destroy Clow myself.  But when Bolingbrook selected you to serve on the board, I decided to spare Clow.  Your election was a message that not all humans in Bolingbrook were lost to Trumpism, memes, and the pandemic.  You saved Bolingbrook, and I will keep my promise not to destroy Clow for at least ten Earth years.”

Will County Board Member and New World Order representative Jackie Traynere praised Jaskiewicz for being the “People’s trustee.”:

“I know it was hard, Bob, but you represented the residents Roger ignored and belittled.  You fought for garbage toters, while Roger fought for Trump.  You visited residents while Roger visited Cuba. You stood up to the Space Force marines occupying Clow, while Roger bowed before them.  Your term as trustee may be history, but you also made history.  Whenever the First Party tries to gaslight Bolingbrook, we will remember your resistance!  You are irreplaceable, Bob, but Bolingbrook United will go on!”

Jaskiewicz later replied: “I want to thank Jackie for her kind words.  I may be irreplaceable, but I would have happily given my trustee chair to one of our candidates.”

Jaskiewicz thanked the attendees, and shared his favorite memories:  “I’ve seen aliens from all over the universe, but the most amazing thing I saw was the look on Roger’s face at the Pathway’s Parade when we marched past him with a garbage toter.”

He then warned the crowd that dark days could be ahead for the New World Order:  “As we speak, QAnon and her followers are trying to steal President Biden’s Arizona victory.  The Illuminati’s operatives are infiltrating the Democratic Party as we speak.  If Bill Gates’ idiocy doesn’t undermine our efforts to control COVID, the Anti-vaccination death cult will.  Unfortunately, we can’t forget about Donald Trump.  He may be out of the Illuminati, but he’s still dangerous.”

Jaskiewicz announced that he would be moving out of Bolingbrook to join the “Cat Koin” project.  

“I won’t miss Roger’s attacks, (Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s) blowing me off, or Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s passive-aggressive positivity.  But I will miss all the great residents that made me proud to call Bolingbrook my home.  Bolingbrook is proof that E pluribus unum works!”

When Jaskiewicz finished talking, some aliens started chanting: “Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!”  Jaskiewicz laughed and replied: “Sorry, I can’t rap.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  On a video call, her receptionist wished Jaskiewicz the best and looked forward to “four debate-free years in village hall.”

In the background, covert social media operative Charlene Spencer and Trustee-elect Troy Doris were sitting at a table.

Spencer said: “So we have a former mayor who not only supported Trump but raised money for him and other Republicans.  We have the current mayor who accepted an award from the same representative who gave an award to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.  We have a supporter who almost started a fight with Black Lives Matter protesters behind village hall.  And we have a trustee who not only attended a fundraiser for Donald Trump but posed with him wearing a Trump tie.  It sounds very partisan and weird to me, but they insist they’re not strange or partisan.  Insist!  Yes, and I haven’t even touched on their great garbage debate.  Bolingbrook’s garbage collection used to be paid out of the village’s general fund, but last year they started charging residents directly.  Some residents ended up paying more, and, unlike most Chicago suburbs, Bolingbrook residents are not allowed to rent or buy garbage toters.  The opposition parties campaigned against this new arrangement.  One even called it a ‘garbage tax!’  How did the First Party respond? They said it’s not a tax!  It’s a fee!  So that makes it okay, and if you call it a tax, you’re a liar! I guess taxes are terrible and fees are fine.  You know, the more I research Bolingbrook, the more confused I get.  So tonight, we’re joined by First Party member Troy Doris, who will try to make sense of this for us.  Trustee Doris, you’ve been listening to me talk for the past 20 minutes.  Have I said anything wrong, or even slightly misleading?”

Doris dropped his jaw and blankly stared at Spencer for several moments.  He finally said: “You’re right.  I should be interviewed by Brian Williams instead of Rachel Maddow.  I need to master the short jump before attempting the sextuplet jump.”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order and Illuminati agree not to put tracking devices in COVID vaccines
Blurry photos of Bonnie taken in Bolingbrook
Wereskunks organize summer garbage festivals in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Video: Rebecca Watson on Essential Oils and seizures (Non-fiction)

I have personal experience with eucalyptus oil causing an allergic reaction in cats, but I didn’t realize that essential oils could also cause seizures.  Rebecca Watson posted a video about a recent study focusing on essential oils and seizures:

 

This was an overview of four years of data from 350 patients who experienced their first seizure or their “breakthrough” seizure (the first seizure in a very long time for a patient who had previously experienced seizures), finding that 15.7% were connected to essential oil exposure. And so that’s not just in patients diagnosed with epilepsy, that’s for everyone. 40% of the patients in the study who experienced what the researchers call an “essential oil-related seizure” had never had a seizure before, and the majority were adults.

Yet another reason for them to be kept out of my house.  (The cats are doing well by the way.)

Controversial Atheist Professor Richard Dawkins defects to the Illuminati (Fiction)

 

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of James Randi (Left) and Richard Dawkins (Right) from TAM 8.

Professor Richard Dawkins announced his defection from the New World Order to the Illuminati at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Dawkins, who secretly traveled to Bolingbrook for his Illuminati initiation ceremony, explained his decision to the gathered dignitaries:

“The board of the NWO gave me an ultimatum: Stop attacking marginalized people or else.  Can you believe that anyone would give me, Professor Richard Dawkins, an order?  So I made a bad faith tweet about trans people, and the NWO revoked my Humanist of the Year award from 1996.  I told them they had one day to apologize.  They ignored me!  Don’t they know that nobody can ignore me, Professor Richard Dawkins?”

Dawkins also confirmed that his organization, the Center for Inquiry, is now under Illuminati control and purged of all NWO members. New CFI embassies will open at the Illuminati’s UFO bases over the next two years, while CFI will close its embassies at the NWO’s bases.

Ophelia Benson, a feminist blogger known for her transgender exclusionary views, welcomed Dawkins to the Illuminati:  “Nine years ago, the Illuminati forced me to participate in a trivia contest with the fate of Seattle at stake.  At the time, I wasn’t too happy about that.  Boy, have times changed!  Now I’m the 5th Preceptor for the State of Washington—  Which just goes to show that if you hate trans people like I do, I can forgive almost anything you do.  Welcome aboard Richard.”

“Thank you.  I am happy to be a member of a society that values me as much as I value my honey.”

“I wonder if Richard ever offered his honey to J. K. Rowling.”

“Excuse me,” snapped Dawkins.  “Are you making comments during my speech?”

“Sorry.  Old habit.  On my blog, I like to post other people’s works and add my comments.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler and Trustee-elect Troy Doris performed the Illuminati’s Rite of Acceptance for Dawkins.  After the ritual, Lawler and Doris addressed the audience.

Doris stated: “In Bolingbrook, we don’t care if you have a sister.  We don’t care if you’re into transcendental meditation.  We just don’t care.  Why are you giving me that look, Michael?”

Lawler then delivered his remarks:  “I would be remiss if I didn’t mention all the fine trans individuals who work for the Illuminati.  Some of them live in Bolingbrook and are involved with Bolingbrook Pride.  Professor, please understand that you were not brought into the Illuminati to spread transphobia.  You were accepted for your ability to spread anger and chaos around the world.  Please remember that.”

“If I didn’t just ask questions to so-called trans people, would I still be a popular British personality?”

“I think you would be like Daniel Radcliffe.”

“Yes, but—”

“I think I’m needed elsewhere.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied being a member of the Illuminati, or that Dawkins was recently in Bolingbrook. She then said:

“Before you log off, I’d like to run something by you before I present it to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano.)  As you know, Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and corporations now support diversity. So what do you think of this tagline? ‘Bolingbrook: Where your business can stay woke without going broke.’”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians threaten to shoot heat ray at Bolingbrook
Source: Sculptors submitting proposals for a 900-foot statue of former Mayor Roger Claar
Officials at the Department of Paranormal propose loosening restrictions on Wereskunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens celebrate as Clow UFO Base’s restaurants reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens from across the galaxy flocked to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base to celebrate the official reopening of its restaurants.

“It’s been a hard year,” said Clow Administrator and Mayor-elect Mary Alexander-Basta.  “Outside of Clow, we’re still not out of the woods.  The risk of unvaccinated humans getting infected is still high.  Inside Clow, however, every staff member is vaccinated, and most of our visitors are either immune or vaccinated.  So we can safely reopen everything!  So let’s a take a moment to mourn the dead, then celebrate our survival!”

Festivities included a flyover by the Unidentified Ariel Phenomena team, a team of aliens who like to spy on the US military.  While the team have attacked other less advanced civilizations, they insist they have no hostile intentions towards Earth.

“Sure we like to play ‘war games,’” said Goldst Postu, leader of the team.  “But Earth is under the protection of the Interstellar Commonwealth, so all we can do is admire your primitive military.  It would be fun to take on the US military.  We love a good sporting war.  If we don’t fight primitive militaries, they’ll attack each other.  That’s bad for all the civilians on a planet.  Too bad the Commonwealth doesn’t understand that. ”

One of the most popular places to reopen was the Weathertech Restaurant, where scraps from the Bolingbrook factory are transformed into culinary dishes.  While all of the dishes are unfit for human consumption, it is a popular interstellar tourist attraction. For the reopening, visitors waiting in line received free Mat Soup served in edible cups.

Lozgolz , who traveled from across the Milky Galaxy for the reopening, said: “Weathertech’s plastic dishes are great.  I wish humans could enjoy the taste of Weathertech instead of just using their plastic for containers and mats.”

Joshie Berger, owner of Worst to First and winner of the second season of Worst Cooks in America, had the loudest reopening celebration.  Berger started by delivering a long winded rant to the first guests.  He accused “feminists” and “Mother Nature” of trying to “cancel” him:

“I may have lost income and a guest rogue spot on the (Skeptics Guide to the Universe), but thanks to the Illuminati, I’m back and better than ever!  But I’m not here to talk about the evil women who drove me out of the skeptical movement!  I’m here to serve politically incorrect dishes, and deliver commentary that can’t be canceled!”

All the human guests complained about the “Gaslight Special” which included “Richard Carrier Bean Soup,” “Michael Shermer’s Grievance-free Cabbage Delight,” and “Ben Radford’s Ten Bean Delight.”  Many complained about the smells from the dining area, but some complained about experiencing hallucinations.

Paula, who asked that her last name not be used, claimed she might have hallucinated:  “I heard Richard Dawkins making transphobic remarks.  When I complained to the waiter, he said Richard Dawkins wasn’t in the restaurant.  Then Richard walked up to me and said he wasn’t there and if he was, I was misquoting him.  I just paid my bill and went to the nearest oxygen bar to clear my head.”

On a video chat, a receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, Alexander-Basta, Trustee Sheldon Watts, Trustee Michael Carpanzano, and covert social media operative Charlene Spencer were sitting in a conference room.

Alexander-Basta said: “Okay.  Sheldon has agreed to stop calling me a ‘trustee-mayor abomination’ because I will be resigning my trustee position.  I agreed not to taunt him for the next year and a half.  Now, Charlene and Michael, I think it is time to set aside your differences and work together to promote Bolingbrook and stand against the Bolingbrook United insurrection.  It’s time to reunite Team Yin and Yang.  What do each of you think?”

Carpanzano replied: “While my opponent brags about being evil, has questionable ties to the Dark Web, and should be banned for life from the Internet, I will refuse to engage in personal attacks, and work for the good of the village.”

Spencer replied: “While my opponent owes his success to intellectual property theft, and does a horrible Pollyanna impersonation, I will use my unique connections to promote Bolingbrook and fight our common enemy.”

Carpanzano countered: “While I can work in the same room as my opponent, I will not give her the pleasure of hearing her lies.”  Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp and held it up to her face:  “You are now carped.”

Spencer frowned and said: “While my opponent thinks he can ignore my truthful comments, I cannot be canceled.”  She pulled out a rubber alligator gar from her purse and held it up to Carpanzano’s face:  “I counter with my alligator gar!”

Alexander-Basta smiled.  “This is a starting point.”

Also in the Babbler:

Roger Claar Party demands recount following fifth place finish
PZ Myers to open Bolingbrook restaurant that caters to spiders
Russia threatens to unleash April snow attack on Chicagoland
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wipeout: First Party for Bolingbrook and DuPage Township Democrats sweep the 2021 Consolidated Election (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the night of the historic 2021 election.  They returned these stories:

First Party ‘gets real’ during candidates’ victory speeches to the Illuminati

Mary Alexander-Basta, the Mayor-elect of Bolingbrook, addressed members of the Illuminati following the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweeping of the 2021 Consolidated Election.

“Our opponents ran a negative campaign by trying to steal offices from us, “ said Alexander-Basta.  “We ran a positive campaign by trying to stay in office.  Thanks to the power of passive-aggressive positivity, we won!  Stay positive, Bolingbrook.”

The First Party won the races for mayor, clerk, and three open Village Trustee positions.  Bolingbrook United failed to defend the seat being vacated by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices will be represented by Trustee Sheldon Watts, who will be up for reelection in 2023.

After Alexander-Basta’s speech, the Grand Master Councilor of Egypt performed the Rite of the Phoenix in honor of her loyalty to the Illuminati and her efforts to spread global chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  She thanked the Grand Master Councilor and added: “Bolingbrook has the best golf club, best UFO Base, and is loyal to the best secret society!  Fnord!  That’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

Trustee Maria Zarate delivered a speech in English thanking local members of the Illuminati for their hard work.  She concluded with a message for Jaskiewicz.  In Spanish, she said: “May you suffer in Hell like you made us suffer at board meetings!”

Trustee-elect Troy Doris promised to be a “Better Sheldon than Sheldon.”  Possibly a reference to Trustee Sheldon Watts, the Bolingbrook Independent Voices mayoral candidate.  Doris also apologized for calling pro-choice supporters “anti-life.”

“Let’s try this again:  We’re not pro-QAnon Republicans.  We’re not pro-Child Trafficking Democrats.  We just don’t care!”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano ran on stage and whispered into Doris’s ear.

Doris replied: “Man!  This is harder than the triple jump.  Um, we do care about kids and—  Look! (Bolingbrook United Mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere) posted something on the Internet.”

Trustee Michael Lawler did not appear on stage.

After the slate performed the Rite of Ascension, an audience member asked how Alexander-Basta planned to rule Bolingbrook when over 57% of voters chose the other candidates. She laughed and said: “As our former Mayor once said, there are residents, and there are foes.  My supporters are residents and those voters are foes!  I don’t work with foes.”

New World Order crushes the Illuminati to retake DuPage Township

After years of conflict, the New World Order regained control of DuPage Township with the Democratic Party’s sweeping victory over the Illuminati-controlled Republicans.

“Tonight,” said Supervisor-elect Gary Marschke at the New World Order victory party, “The residents of our township rejected the Illuminati’s chaos and discord.  They rejected the chaos operatives from Edgar County.  They rejected the flagrant abuse of our legal system.  They voted for the harmony and order that only we can provide.  So to the good residents of DuPage Township, I say this: Get ready to experience the might of a fully operational township!”

New World Order member and outgoing Republican Trustee Ken Burgess congratulated the victors:  “We may not be members of the same political party, but we are united in our belief that order must be maintained against chaos.  We understand that in the right hands, the right amount of order in a society will let freedom bloom.  I congratulate my fellow NWO colleagues for their victory against the Illuminati.  Just don’t raise my taxes, okay?”

Later in the party, Bolingbrook’s Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wondered in and was surrounded by four Men in Black.

“I thought our victory party was at Lou Malnati’s,” said Lawler.

“No,” replied Trustee-elect Reem Townsend.  “The Illuminati is meeting at the Golf Club this time.  Since we’re in a good mood tonight, we’ll order the Men in Black to take you home.”

“Since I’m in a good mood, I won’t tell Mary on all of you.”

After Lawler left, Townsend said, “Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be quoted in the Babbler?”

“Don’t worry,” replied Terri Ransom.  “Nobody believes the Babbler.”

Opposition parties eventually accept crushing defeats in Bolingbrook

Bolingbrook Independent Voices, Bolingbrook United, and the DuPage Township Republicans eventually accepted their major defeats.  However the DuPage Township Republicans almost started an insurrection.

During DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford’s speech to the Bolingbrook Illuminati, she announced that she was about to summon the Edgar County Irregular Militia to help her “find” enough votes for her to win.  A masked man stormed on stage and warned her not to call them.

“I spent over $40,000 on the First Party,” said the man.  “I am not going have you ruin my investment with a civil war!”

“I am a Knight of Chaos and a CPA,” replied Benford.  “I must claim my election today.”

“Not on my watch,” countered the man.  “As a Knight, you are sworn to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  Instead, you have spent years sowing chaos in my village!  This election wasn’t stolen from you.  You lost!  Why the (expletive deleted) did you think it was a good idea to pick Deborah Williams and Antonio Timothee?”

“Because I’m the biggest—” replied Timothee.

“Joke on Bolingbrook’s Facebook groups.” snapped the man.  “Alyssia, call off your dogs from Edgar County or you won’t be a CPA.  You’ll be DOA!”

At the New World Order Victory Party, mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere announced that she had congratulated Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for her win.  

“I thought we could pull it off this time,” said Traynere.  “Instead, we lost ground since the 2017 election.  But I will take some comfort knowing that I beat (Trustee Sheldon Watts).  I will also take comfort knowing that I still have my seat on the Will County Board.  I heard Sheldon will have to perform the Illuminati’s Rite of the Burning Mile  if he wants a future in Bolingbrook politics.  I hope he has tough feet.”

Charlene Spencer, a volunteer for Bolingbrook Independent Voices, announced during a video call that she was going to contest the election results:

“There’s no way BIV came in last place.  The First Party had nothing but their passive aggressive positivity.  We ran a shining campaign filled with vague promises, real residents, and tons of drone footage!  That was a recipe for a landslide.  This election was rigged, and I will prove to the right people that that a conspiracy by Anwar Sadat, Jimmy Carter, Mao—”

Watts ran into the room and said: “Charlene!  What are you doing?  You know that’s a big lie.  We lost—”

“Lost?  Are you kidding?  I’ve only just begun to fight for you!”

“There’e aren’t enough outstanding votes to save us.  It’s over.”

“It’s only a minor setback!  We can still take over the board!”

“At what cost?”

“I’ll give you a discount—”

“No!  Charlene, stand down.  I’m going to concede!”

“Sheldon!  You need to stop backing down to Mary all the time like you did with Roger. Seize this moment and you’ll be remembered as the Mayor who liberated Bolingbrook!  Democracy is dumb, Sheldon!  Help me put it out of its misery!”

Watts shook his head.  “Democracy is not dumb.  You’re confusing our patriotic rituals with democracy.  The ideas of democracy are not dumb.  Respecting the will of the people is smart.  Supporting the peaceful transition of power to the victor is smart.  The idea that any resident or slate in Bolingbrook has a chance to non-violently win control of the government is fundamental to Bolingbrook’s well being.”

“But,” protested Charlene.  “If we don’t stop her now, I know she’ll declare Bolingbrook to be under the rule of the Eternal Kingdom of the First Party, and she’ll—”  

“She won’t, and even if she did, she’d fail.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1—”

“I’m an atheist, Sheldon.  Your Bible trick won’t work on me.”

“Fine.  Then I will cite George Hrab.  ‘The fairness of unfairness is in everything’s demise.’  It is unfair that we lost and (Former Mayor Roger Claar) used me.  But Roger’s time will end.  The First Party will eventually disband, and it will be a time for a new party to take over.  Maybe it will be my party.  Maybe not.  But for the good of Bolingbrook, we need to preserve representative democracy.  That’s what really counts, Charlene.  I’d rather lose 100 elections than see Bolingbrook descend into despotism, anarchy, or worse.  So please stop trying to overthrow this election, and help me win the next election, okay?”

“You…You actually listened to a George Hrab album?  For me?”

“Yes, and may the Lord forgive me.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A Babbler Special Report: Bolingbrook’s countdown to democracy (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportOn April 6, voters will select Bolingbrook’s first new mayor since 1986, and possibly end one-party rule in Bolingbrook.  For the past few months, voters have had to contend with a flood of flyers; debates over the meaning of the word “tax,” and passive-aggressive positivity from two local parties.  We sent out a team of reporters to cover the final days of the campaign.  They returned with these stories:

Will County ‘highly prepared’ for any possible insurrection

According to anonymous sources, Will County is “highly prepared” to deal with any “unlikely” insurrection related to the April 6 election.

According to “Joe,” (who asked that we didn’t use his real name), the county government has been holding secret “insurrection drills” for weeks: “We’re prepared for the normal kinds of insurrections, like angry protesters trying to storm the Clerk’s office, or armed downstate militia members trying to execute county officials if their candidate doesn’t win.  We’ve also prepared for some unusual scenarios, like an attack by foreign special forces operatives, a board member going rogue, an act of a vengeful god, and a former mayor throwing a temper tantrum.   We might even run a drill for what to do if we’re attacked by a certain Florida woman. But these are all unlikely.  In Will County, we use paper ballots, and our clerk believes in free and fair elections, no matter who wins.  Remember, we’re Will County, not Cook County.”

Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry refused to comment about any possible drills but said:

“We have a great sheriff’s department, and I know they would never stage a coup.  Anyway, I believe the people who supported Trump’s insurrection have switched their focus to fighting the Coronavirus vaccine.  I guess some people just enjoy being wrong.  Anyway, just tell your readers they can vote early, or vote on election day, but that they can only vote once.”

In the background, a man yelled, “Start.”

A woman replied, “Attention!  I am a CPA.  I feel like overthrowing the government today.”

Alien election observers arrive at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Election observers from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived at Clow UFO Base to ensure the integrity of Bolingbrook’s April 6 election. 

Representatives from Bolingbrook’s three political parties greeted the observers.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, representing the First Party for Bolingbrook, said: “I am honored that the Interstellar Commonwealth would send its finest election observers to certify my upcoming victory.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, representing the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, replied: “I too am honored that you have come here to see me slay a trustee-mayor abomination— At the polls, of course.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, representing Bolingbrook United, greeted the delegation and said: “I’m here to help Bolingbrook transition from Roger’s authoritarian rule to a true democracy.  I’d like Jackie Traynere to win, but I’m happy knowing that the residents of Bolingbrook have already won their freedom.”

Globly, the head delegate, told the party representatives that they were wearing bulletproof human suits, and were inoculated with the coronavirus vaccine developed on Venus:

“Many species have replaced democracy with an implant that allows all members to subconsciously reach consensus decisions.  Unfortunately, Earth isn’t that advanced and relies on paper ballots.  Until the humans of Bolingbrook are ready to evolve, we are happy to ensure a free and fair election, without the direct interference of the Illuminati or the New World Order determining the outcome.”

Wereskunk arrested for canvasing under the influence

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a wereskunk and charged her with public intoxication.  The wereskunk, according to sources, was canvassing for the DuPage Township’s Republican slate of candidates.

The Department released a statement that read: “We are withholding the name of the wereskunk while she is going through detox.  If you were sprayed by this wereskunk, do not bathe in tomato juice.  Bathe in baking soda instead.  Please do not judge all wereskunks by the actions of this one wereskunk.”

Jessica, (who asked that we not use her last name), claims the wereskunk sprayed her yard signs:  “I thought a normal skunk got into our garbage, but then I looked outside and saw this giant skunk.  When she saw me, she laughed and said she was owning the libs.  Well, I’ll own her and a toter once the DuPage Township Democrats sweep the township election.”

Jake, (who also asked that we not use his last name), said he saw the wereskunk littering Republican flyers in his neighborhood:  

“She was in her human form and had this glassy look in her eyes.  When I told her to stop littering, she shapeshifted into this monster skunk.  Then she started chanting: ‘Meth!  Meth!  It’s the best!’  Believe me, seeing a monster skunk on meth is the best anti-drug argument.”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out what you said about me?  Charline and (name redacted) may have left me, but I still have my sources.  Those sources say you call me a ‘wicked Egyptian’ leader!”

“But—” replied a woman.

“When I found out, I went over to our police chief.  He told me that the Village of Bolingbrook doesn’t have any slaves or indentured workers.  The village has never commissioned a cat statue, and, as mayor, I’ve never changed my mind.  Just like Roger.”

“But—”

“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to bake bread.  If you have a problem with me, you come to my office and say it to my face.  Don’t vote me out of office because you don’t like me.  That’s so negative!”

“But we weren’t talking about you.  We were celebrating Passover.”

“Well…Not all Egyptians enslaved the Jews!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner to buy ‘Anti-ANTIFA’ Vehicles (Fiction)

Will the Palatine Township Highway Commissioner buy three of these M1150 vehicles? (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Jeff Drew/Released)

According to sources within Palatine Township, Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar plans on buying three M1150 Assault Breacher Vehicles to “combat ANTIFA.”

“Palatine Township Residents see reports about ANTIFA every day on Fox News,” said one of the sources.  “We’re buying these vehicles, at a discount, to reassure our voters—I mean residents—that we will not ignore their fears, no matter how unfounded they are.”

ANTIFA, which stands for anti-fascist, is a movement consisting of activists and cells who actively oppose the fascist movement.  It is not a formal organization, and there is no leadership structure.  While most members’ activities are limited to identifying fascists online, the ones confronting fascists at demonstrations get the most publicity.  According to the ADL, there has only been one murder that is possibly connected to ANTIFA.

M1150 vehicles are used by the US Military to clear landmines and improvised explosive devices. They have seen extensive use in Afghanistan.

Despite no instances of ANTIFA using roadside bombs in the United States, the sources insist the M1150 vehicles are vital to the defense of Palatine Township’s 18 miles of roads.  One of the sources, Amy, blames the Cook County Democratic Party for “endangering” Palatine Township:

“We’re under attack by Democrats!  They’re threatening to remove our candidates from office, placing signs in people’s yards, and knocking on our doors!  If we don’t stop them, they’ll raise our taxes, turn the Highway Commissioner into an appointed position, and offer assistance to residents who rent!  The Republicans have run this township for decades.  The Democrats might have imposed (Representative Sean Casten) on us, but they can’t impose their will on our township!”

Matt Flamm, the Democratic Candidate for Highway Commissioner, denied Amy’s allegations:  

“Taxes are already too high.  We’re not going to raise them.  We might even lower them if an independent audit determines we could save money by eliminating the Highway Commissioner’s office as a taxing body.  One less tax to pay!  As for that tank claim:  I don’t know if that’s true, but I promise you, as the last Palatine Township Highway Commissioner, I will not waste taxpayer funds on military equipment!”

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar

An associate of Del Mar, who asked not to be identified, denied there were any plans to buy M1150 vehicles. He said during a video call:  “While you’re making up false charges, Aaron is promising to save taxpayers’ money.  That’s what really matters.  Just watch him speak to this legitimate voter!”

In the video, Del Mar stood six feet away from a front door, talking to a resident.

“So,” said Del Mar.  “I understand that you saw my debate with that guy, and have a question.  Ask away.”

“Yeah,” replied a woman.  “I have a big question.  What the (expletive deleted) is organic brine?  It sounds like you’re buying overpriced saltwater from Whole Foods.”

Del Mar laughed, then said: “It’s brine with beet juice.  I may be a Republican, but I’m always willing to use environmental terms.”

“But calling it—”

“I understand your confusion.  Not everyone has a degree in Public and Environmental Management from Indiana University.  Plus I’m an accomplished businessman, Republican Committeeman, and athlete as well as a family man.”

“Wow!”  replied the woman.  “Being Highway Commissioner leaves you with too much free time.”

Del Mar laughed again:  “Yes, because I do my job efficiently and I have so much energy!  Look at me.  If it weren’t for the Cook County Democrats, we wouldn’t have an election because I am the most overqualified Highway Commissioner in the history of township highway commissioners.  Everyone in Palatine Township should thank God that I am in charge!”

The woman slammed the door.

“But I’ll accept your vote instead.”

Also in the Babbler:

Accept no substitute: Babbler endorses Bolingbrook United’s slate
Time for a clean slate: Babbler endorses DuPage Township Democrats
No more elected trolls: Babbler endorses D211 ACT slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook Independent Voices guerrilla music video pulled from social media (Fiction)

A mysterious music video supporting the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party disappeared seconds after it was uploaded to every major social medial network.

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee and mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts.

The video featured The Who song “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”  In the video, the masked members of an “air band” pretended to use BIV yard signs as musical instruments while they pretended to perform the song.  The video additionally featured several choreographed dances, including one in which members of Bolingbrook United and the First Party for Bolingbrook step aside and allow BIV members to march through.  Also featured in the video were rapid cuts of photographs featuring Sheldon Watts, BIV’s candidate for Mayor, and members of the First Party, including former mayor Roger Claar.  There are also clips of masked BIV supporters smashing Bolingbrook United and First Party yard signs, in apparent homage to Who guitarist Pete Townsend’s infamous guitar smashing antics on stage.  All the witnesses agreed that the video looked like it was produced by professionals.

“I was so excited when I saw it,” said Jolanda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “But when I tried to share it, Facebook said there was no video.  Not only did Facebook block it, but they made it appear it never existed.  But I know it was real.  (Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) must have used her power to censor it!  She must have deleted it because she knows Sheldon would rock as mayor!”

Charlene Spencer, a volunteer for BIV and a covert social media operative, said she was aware of the video, but denies that BIV or her were involved in its production:

“Obviously the residents are so excited about being able to vote for Sheldon’s slate that they’re spontaneously creating music videos.  Bolingbrook United and politicians putting Roger first can censor their videos, but they can never censor the will of the Bolingbrook residents.  At least until the Republicans take over Illinois and pass their voter suppressions laws.  Anyway, on April 6, the Claar Dynasty will end, and Sheldon will usher Bolingbrook into an age of science and faith.  Trust me, you’ll understand once he wins.”

Rondel Parker, a Bolingbrook United candidate for Village Trustee, said he wasn’t aware of the video and denied that his party removed it from Social Media:

“Obviously, you’re trying to trick me into owing the Babbler a debt.  Well, it won’t work.  I don’t believe in debt.  I don’t have debt, and I’m going to get rid of Bolingbrook’s $200 million debt!  Don’t worry.  It will only hurt for a little bit.”

Alexander-Basta also denied knowing about the video:

“Like I have that kind of power over the Internet.  While I have you on Zoom, there’s something I need to bring up.  I’ve heard some people are wondering why Congressman Danny Davis named me one of the Top 20 Global Women of Excellence. Let me assure you that it’s not a cover story for a Cook County Democrat’s endorsement.  The fact is I’m a woman and Roger says I’m doing an excellent job.  Therefore I’m a woman of excellence, and I deserve to be recognized alongside other great women, like (New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern).  I’m sure Bonnie is going to mention that unfortunate incident with Rev. Sun Myung Moon, but she’s just so negative.  Everyone is entitled to a mistake or two in their lives.”

Later in the interview, Watts entered the room and said, “You have sunk to a new low, even for a Trustee-Mayor abomination.”

“Can this wait?” asked Alexander-Basta  “I’m taking a short break from my oh-so-demanding job by chatting with this reporter from the Babbler.  You know, Sheldon, this job is so demanding that I don’t know how anyone with small children could handle it.”

“Very funny,” replied Watts.  “But you won’t be laughing once I tell the voters that you had a meeting with a member of the Egyptian government.”

“Of course I have.  If you’d been paying attention you’d know that Bolingbrook is a globally recognized community, and it’s only natural that global leaders would want to contact me, one of the top twenty excellent women in the world, and the mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“Don’t play coy with me,” Watts replied.  “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he would—”

“She.”

“She timed her meeting so it would appear in the news on the eve of early voting.  That means she’s trying to generate positive news coverage to help you win.  You’re letting the Egyptian government interfere with our election!”

“That’s ridiculous, but even if they were, so what?  Would you stop voting for my agenda if it were true?” asked Alexander-Basta

“No.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village braces for mutant mole invasion
Slenderman starts a new career as a canvasser for the Will County Republicans
Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere honored by the Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.