Weredogs attack Wereskunks’ Bolingbrook popup COVID test site (Fiction)

Several packs of weredogs clashed with wereskunks running a COVID pop-up testing site inside Bolingbrook Commons.  Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs (DPA) arrested 25 weredogs and two wereskunks.

“Let us be clear,” said Belinda Z. Guerra, spokesperson for the DPA. “These were very bad dogs. They attacked entrepreneurial wereskunks trying to make a profit. These dogs will be punished!”

Bolingbrook officials confirmed that the test site, which had only been opened for a couple days, was a total loss due to the wereskunks “defensive spraying.” Guerra refused to comment on the reports but confirmed that the village was working to “deskunk” the storefront. He stated, “This is the one time the village is glad Bolingbrook Commons is mostly empty.”

Peter, who did not want his last name published, witnessed the attack while waiting for a test:

“It was horrible. First, this scruffy guy without a mask was shoving a cotton swab too far up my nose.  Then I saw dozens of monster dogs charging at the clinic. The scruffy guy said I still owed him $500 for expedited testing.  Then he turned into a monster skunk and lifted his tail. I sped away before I got sprayed or mauled.”

Beth, who declined to have her last name published, also witnessed the attack:

“When the attendant pulled a testing kit out of a trash can, I was starting to have a bad feeling. However, I was desperate: All the home kits are sold out, and have you seen the waiting lists at the other places?  Anyway, the attendant turned into a giant skunk, and two giant dogs pounced on him. Another giant dog landed next to me. I screamed, but it sniffed me and said I didn’t have COVID. He did it for free and in the middle of a battle. What a nice monster dog!”

The weredogs released a statement claiming they were combating fraud:

“They weren’t testing the samples. They were stealing people’s private information and overcharging for free tests. They’re bad skunks. If the Village Board won’t stop them, we will!”

The wereskunks also released a statement claiming they are the real victims:

“Those dumb dogs attacked us because we were accepting the money and personal information residents were giving us. Bolingbrook has always been generous to our skunk cousins and us. While other suburbs encase their garbage in toters, Bolingbrook residents leave their garbage in easily accessible plastic bags. That’s why we always put Bolingbrook First!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied there was a weredog attack in Bolingbrook, or that the wereskunks were running a fake testing clinic:

“You should write about how I’m celebrating Law Enforcement Appreciation Day.  Police risk their lives to keep Bolingbrook safe.”

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer then entered the office and said: “Hey, Mayor Basta!  Great post today, but you might want to lay off the Thin Blue Line imagery. There are other ways to show your appreciation besides using a flag that’s been co-opted by white supremacists and flown at the Insurrection.”

“Out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base revokes day passes as Omicron spreads across Bolingbrook
Trustee Watts completes the Illuminati’s ‘Burning Mile’ rite
Former DuPage Township Trustee threatens to audit Palatine’s UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Peace talks breakdown between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs (Fiction)

A meeting between Palatine’s werecoyotes and weredogs to end recent coyote attacks against dogs ended in a brawl.  The Palatine Police Paranormal Task Force and the Cook County Department of Cryptozoological Management arrested ten participants for rioting and illegal coyote hunting.

“While we appreciate that some of our local weredog residents tried to help,” said Sheila Z. Blake, spokesperson for the Palatine Police Department, “We will not tolerate rioting in our village. It’s almost as bad as protesting against us!”

According to a few weredogs and werecoyotes, who asked not to be named, both sides agreed to talk following the death of two dogs in Palatine.  Both sides agreed that the talks were friendly at first.  However, they disagreed on where things went wrong.

One of the weredogs blamed the werecoyotes:  “We said their cousins were bad because they killed two of our cousins.  They accused us of being colonizers and said we should teach our cousins not to bark at them.  Barking is a choice between a dog and its human alpha.  They shouldn’t take that choice away.”

A werecoyote offered a different version:  “We were here first.  If humans didn’t want to deal with us, then you shouldn’t have built your homes here.  If anything, our cousins are trying to be good neighbors.  We hunt rodents and other small animals.  It’s sad that two dogs died, but what about astronauts in orbit?  This is how you play ‘what about,’ right?”

Cynthia, a Palatine resident who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed some of the fighting:

“Those two monsters crashed through my back fence and destroyed my swing set.  The dog-like one accused the coyote-like one of threatening his girlfriend.  The coyote-like one accused her of threatening her pups and said something about the Second Amendment.  I pulled out my AR and started shooting at them.  The bullets didn’t harm them.  The coyote-like one said something about me being a loud human and ran off.  The dog-like one started jumping up and down and bragged about beating up the coyote.  I told him he was a bad dog for damaging my property, and he should go home.  Then he changed into a giant dog.  He whimpered, lowered his tail, and ran away.  I thought things like this only happened in Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz said the Mayor was busy and could not be disturbed:

“You should be writing about how our region just moved to Tier 2 mitigation instead.”

In the background, a man said: “Your honor, because of the new police reforms, chokeholds will be banned, suspects won’t be jailed based on their ability to pay, and people will be able to file anonymous complaints against us.”

“Just like people can file complaints against hairstylists!” said another man.

“This is too much!  If you don’t persuade the governor to veto this bill, we won’t protect Palatine!”

“Can’t.”

“Can’t?  Oh!  Oops!  What I really meant to say is that if these reforms are passed, we can’t protect Palatine.”

“I don’t know about that,” said a man who sounded like Mayor Jim Schwantz.  “The Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl with Barry Switzer as the head coach.  I doubt this bill will be as much of a burden for you officers as Coach Wishbone was for my team.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doomsday Crew returns to Clow UFO Base
Palatine, Peotone, and Clow UFO bases set to reopen on 2/1/21
COVID Vaccines also provide immunity from zombie viruses
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Weredogs and Wereskunks clash over the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Weredogs and wereskunks clashed in front of the Promenade Bolingbrook over the sale of commercially bred puppies. Although there were heated arguments, and one spraying incident, the Department of Paranormal Affairs made no arrests.

Part of the department’s press release about the incident stated: “Bolingbrook’s shapeshifters have freedom of speech.  We just wish they wouldn’t use it.”

Twelve weredogs, in their war dog form, picketed behind the Promenade. They at times chanted: “Puppies Matter!”  Six wereskunks counter protested across the street, sometimes chanting: “Dogs are dumb!”

Ralph, a weredog pack leader, claims that a new pet store, Puppy Love, will be selling puppies from “puppy mills:” 

“These breeders are in it for profit, not love.  They impregnate mothers regardless of their health, provide inadequate health care, and don’t care if puppies receive proper socialization.  Bolingbrook residents would be appalled if someone opened a baby store.  They should be appalled that Bolingbrook will soon have two stores that sell puppies from these puppy factories!”

Petland is the other store that sells commercially bred puppies.

According to Ralph, weredogs were working with Bolingbrook officials to draft a “humane pet store ordinance.”  The weredogs decided to protest when they heard about the opening of Puppy Love.

Darla, a weredog and lifelong Bolingbrook resident, believes there are humane alternatives to puppy mills:

“Shelters like Humane Haven are filled with puppies looking for homes.  Don’t listen to the eugenicists, I mean breeders.  Shelter puppies make great companions!”

Sherry, a wereskunk alpha, shouted several unprintable insults at the weredogs.  She believes that pet stores represent “freedom:”

“Every Bolingbrook resident has the right to take out a loan for up to 200% interest to buy a sick puppy!  This is what defending your freedom is all about!  Don’t let them take away your freedom!”

Steve, another wereskunk, thinks pet stores are the key to Bolingbrook’s economic recovery.  “Bolingbrook needs all the tax revenue it can get.  So what if a store sells sick puppies?  The tax revenue that the store generates will prevent the village from choosing between funding the police, or funding the Bolingbrook Golf Club!  Dogs are too dumb to understand that.”

Trustees Michael Carpanzano and Robert Jaskiewicz met with protesters on both sides.  Carpanzano told the weredogs that he created a web page to promote pet adoption.  He also bragged to the wereskunks that he has never proposed an ordinance to ban the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook:

“I’m for all businesses!  Except for Marijuana dispensaries, of course.”

Jaskiewicz encouraged the weredogs to promote online petitions calling for a ban on the sale of mill puppies and other commercially bred pets.

“If Naperville can ban the selling of mill puppies, we can too.  The members of the First Party for Bolingbrook won’t listen to me, but they might listen to potential voters like you.”

Carpanzano held a rubber carp in front of Jaskiewicz’s face, then walked away.

“I hate it when he carps me,” said Jaskiewicz.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

Her receptionist said: “She’s in the middle of a very important phone call.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “I’m sorry, Mr. President.  There is no way I can legally find 1,025,024 votes for you in Bolingbrook…Please call me Mayor Mary.  Not (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) fake mayor Maria.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheists accidentally airdrop ‘humanitarian aid’ crate on Bolingbrook house
Governor Pritzker denies plans to send the national guard to DuPage Township
Will County Health Department contains zombie plague in Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/6/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. I am against puppy mills. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta gives her first Babbler interview! (Mixed)

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

Out of character:  Back in October, I emailed a list of questions to Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.  I just received her reply today, and I appreciate that she took the time out of her busy schedule to answer my Babbler style questions.

When Mayor Roger Claar stepped down after 34 years in office, Trustee Mary Alexander-Basta, to the surprise of some residents, stepped up to become the acting mayor of Bolingbrook.  

The Babbler, after many calls, psychic interventions, and possible aid from an alien ambassador, finally managed to get an email interview with her.  Though it turned out to be a short interview, she did announce a major shift in the Village’s diplomatic stance towards the Martian Colonies.

The following are her replies to our questions:

Why did you volunteer to become the acting mayor?

When Roger retired state statutes require that his replacement come from the sitting board. I was voted in unanimously by the Trustees. 

In an interview with The American University in Cairo, you stated that your goals were to “maintain what was built by Mayor Roger C. Claar” and “to keep Bolingbrook a place to grow, a place where individuals or families of any size, age and nationality are able to call it home.”  Since serving as the acting mayor, have your goals changed or have you added new goals?

As Mayor those continue to be my goals. Additionally my goal is to provide more transparency, more discussion to unite residents on issues facing our community, and continued careful planning. I also plan to work with other area Mayors as well as continue to work with the Heritage Corridor and the DuPage Convention & Visitors Bureau to promote Bolingbrook 

What have been your greatest challenges during your term as mayor?

My greatest challenges have been to find creative ways to help our restaurants, hotels and small businesses survive during these unprecedented times.

What have been your greatest successes?

My successes include settling the Fire contract, getting a tree trimming project approved for the first time over 4000 trees in our village will be trimmed. Hiring a Police Chief, Hiring a Fire Chief. With the assistance of the Village’s CIO (Chief Information Officer) we continue to introduce new technology to make it easier for residents and businesses to interact with the village, report issues and monitor the status of the results. Additionally we provide more info on what is happening in the village by way of Social Media, Bolingbrook App, Brook Alerts, BCTV channel 6 & Village Website.

Will you run for mayor in the 2021 election?

Yes I announced my candidacy on Monday, November 9, 2020

Will the crew of Clow UFO Base still host the annual holiday concert, even though the base is locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic?

Just like all other community events, things will have to look a little different this year. Fortunately, the technology required to communicate in space is advanced enough to bring the concert directly to our living rooms through virtual, interactive experience.

How will you maintain peace between the wereskunks and the weredogs?

We have been in communication with the weresquirrels, and they have agreed to maintain an open line of communications with the animal space world should anything arise.

As you are aware, a secret tunnel now connects Hidden Lakes with Lake Whalon. This tunnel allows the Hidden Lakes Monster to swim in Lake Whalon.  Some people say the monster is depleting Lake Whalon’s fish population.  Do you agree the fish are depleted, and should the Hidden Lakes Monster still have access to Lake Whalon?

It’s actually a common misconception that the Hidden Lakes Monster feeds on fish. He is actually a vegetarian. He has been crossing the tunnel as they have formed an alliance against other predators. However, that passage will be monitored more closely now due to social distancing guidelines.

As many residents know, the Martian Colonial Marines have a cloaked outpost on the former site of Old Chicago.  They want to establish a permanent base and disguise it as an Amazon Warehouse.  Former Mayor Roger Claar threatened to sue the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court if they didn’t withdraw from Bolingbrook.  Will you follow through on that threat?

It’s important to remember that Bolingbrook is a diverse community that welcomes all. As long as they maintain peace and contribute to our community in a positive manner we will have no issues.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook Weredog accused of attacking Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs is searching for a weredog accused of assaulting Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk.

Part of a statement from the Department read: “Most of our weredogs are good dogs, but if any weredog misbehaves, we will deal with them.  We encourage Bolingbrook’s weredog packs to be good dogs and turn in this bad dog.  Any weredog that helps will get a treat.”

O’Dekirk, who was recently filmed wrestling with a Black Lives Matter protester, refused to be interviewed.  Sources close to O’Dekirk say he was unharmed but wants the weredog euthanized:

“That weredog didn’t know who he was dealing with. Bob is the toughest mayor in Illinois.  Bob threw that weredog to the ground and pinned him in seconds.  He only let him go so he could deal with a BLM rioter!  I hope Bolingbrook catches that dog so Bob can teach him to heel!”

Joan, a Black Lives Matter protester, offered a different version of what happened:

“I was just holding up a sign and not bothering anyone when Bob walked up to me.  He accused me of rioting and said he was going to ‘soften me up’ before letting ‘his’ officers deal with me.  Of course, this was the day I left my cell phone at home.  Anyway, the man walks up to Bob and tells him to leave me alone.  Bob puffs up and says it’s none of his business.  The man tells him that it is.  This is the scary part.  Bob was about to punch the man, but the man turned into a giant man-dog.  It called Bob a bad human and threatened to rub his face on the pavement.  Bob turned pale and ran away.  I saw him pick up his phone and heard him say: ‘Roger!  Save me!’  The monster said I was a good human then ran away.  I wish we didn’t have a bully for a mayor.”

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura says she has asked the Will County Department of Cryptid Affairs to file charges against O’Dekirk:

“Now Bob is threatening our endangered weredog population.  His toxic masculinity is out of control.  If our department won’t arrest him, then I will have no choice but to run against him in the next election!”

Cornal Darden, who claimed to be the CEO of the Southwest Suburban Black Cryptozoological Society, supported O’Dekirk because he was acting in self-defense.  When presented with a statement that he had been terminated from SSBCS and from the South Suburban Region Black Chamber of Commerce, he said it didn’t matter:

“I am black and I support the mayor.  That all that matters!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was on his lunch break and did not wish to be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It’s not one gathering of a hundred people.  It’s ten gatherings with ten people each that just happen to be behind Village Hall.  As long as each gathering stays six feet apart, the magic force field will protect them!”

A woman who sounded like Dr. Ngozi Ezike, Director of the Illinois Department of Public Health, asked: “Everyone will bring their own food, right?”

“Of course not!  Organizations will be selling food, and we’ll be handing out free hot dogs.”

“Wow.  Is this really an event to die for?”

“Obviously you’ve never been to our Village Picnic!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies firearms sales permit to Limbs ‘R Us
Illinois Republicans vow to increase the COVID-19 infection rate
Jeanne Ives denies recruiting seniors to be ‘Die for Ives’ canvassers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook cracks down on weredogs’ cannabis home delivery service (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs announced a crackdown on the weredogs’ “fetching” cannabis for residents.

The press release stated: “Pandemic or no pandemic, home delivery of cannabis is still illegal in Illinois. Any weredog involved in this criminal operation is a bad dog!”

Hillary, who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed the department trying to arrest a weredog:

“This cute dog dropped a bag of weed on my front door.  I was about to tip him when this black armored vehicle drove on to my front yard.  Two masked men told the dog to roll over.  Instead, he shape-shifted into a giant dog and ran away.  One of the men yelled: ‘Bolingbrook says no to drugs.’ I said Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook.  They said they would deal with me later.  They drove off before I could tell them what I felt.”

Bud, the Alpha dog of the Bolingbrook Weredeer association, says his fellow weredogs are performing an essential service for Bolingbrook:

“Residents are stressed.  It’s not enough for (Mayor Roger Claar) to tell us to stay calm.  They need weed.  It’s great the dispensaries are offering curbside pick up, but that shouldn’t be the only option.  We’re happy to fetch weed for anyone who wants it.  You can give us a treat instead of cash!”

Ruth, another weredog, claims Claar tried to arrest her for delivering cannabis:

“I was walking in human form and minding my own business.  Roger drove by and gave me a look.  I waved and kept walking.  He pulled up to a police car and told the officer to arrest me.  The officer refused because I was still walking, and he wasn’t allowed to chase suspects.  Roger said he was the mayor of Bolingbrook and he was ordering the officer to chase me.  That’s when I shifted into dog form and rushed into the bushes.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “saving Bolingbrook” and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Mr. President.  You are the greatest leader the world has ever known.  I risked my political career when I first endorsed you.  Your followers will say anything to defend me online.  I am forever in debt to you and the MAGA family.  How’s that?”

“A man who sounded like President Trump replied:  “Not bad.  Where are you from again?”

“Bolingbrook, Illinois.”

“Never been there.”

“Mr. President, can I count on you to make sure we get some medical supplies?  I don’t know what else I can give you.”

“That golf course.”

“You want to buy the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”

“I suppose I could with all the billions Congress just gave me.  But you see, there’s a serious problem.  It’s too far away from the airport.  I need you to do me a favor and move it closer to the Chicago airport.”

“Um, for the first time, I really don’t know what to say, Mr. President.  I don’t think you can move a golf course.”

“Have you tried?”

Also in the Babbler:

Nitrile Glove monsters terrorize grocery shoppers
Hidden Lakes Monster frolics as residents shelter in place
Mayor Claar postpones weredeer hunting season
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.