Red Deer Reporter: Government covers up approaching Zombie Trucker Convoy (Fiction)

A zombie trucker taking a break from driving towards Red Deer.

Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler partners with three sister publications around the world to bring you the unbelievable truth. This article is from The Red Deer Reporter, based in Alberta, Canada.

Despite eyewitness reports (and psychics’ apocalyptic visions), Red Deer officials deny that a truck convoy driven by zombies is approaching the city.

“That’s ridiculous!” said a city official who demanded they not be named. “Let me guess. They’re pro-vaccine zombies. Right?”

The eyewitnesses agree that not only are the zombies pro-vaccine, but they intend to occupy downtown Red Deer until residents “stop whining” about Covid restrictions.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, says he spoke with them at a truck stop:

“While everyone else was acting like violent cowardly Americans, I just walked up to their leader and said: ‘Excuse me, but you seem to be lost and have wandered into the land of the living. I can direct you to a graveyard where you might be able to find your way back to the afterlife.’ The leader asked if I was vaccinated, and I said yes. Three shots. The leader said I was smart, and warned me not to die any time soon. For a rotting corpse, it was quite friendly.”

Simone, a feisty woman who threatened this reporter when asked for her last name, claims she tried to fight off the zombies:

“I thought they were part of the Wexit—I mean anti-vaccine mandate truckers. When I saw they were monsters, I started shooting their heads. This didn’t stop them. They said I was acting like an American. I asked how did I … I don’t talk to the fake press!”

Simone added that one zombie described her death due to covid. “When she showed me what was left of her thin blue line tattoo, I knew she was telling the truth. I guess Trump is right, and we should all take his vaccine.”

According to other witnesses, the zombies claim that they are trying to save the European Canadian Afterlife. That afterlife, according to the zombies, is overpopulated, and the First Nations Afterlife refuses to accept refugees. The zombies warn that if Canada loosens its COVID  policies, spirits will resort to “cannibalizing spirit energy” to create space.

“If you want to have a long afterlife,” said Peter, “Get vaccinated now! The zombies taught me that being free shouldn’t mean being dumb too.”

Tonya Z. Alexander, the spokeswoman for the Red Deer Skeptics, doubts the existence of the zombie convoy:

“Things are so bad that there is no joy in debunking the Reporter. Even Steven Pinker’s unfounded optimism cannot raise my spirits. I’m now reading Impossible Me, Pervert Justice, and Reprobate Spreadsheet. These are truly dark times. for Canada.”

A receptionist for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he was still recovering from Covid and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trudeau said, “So, what do the Mounted Police need to do to break the siege of Ottawa?”

Another man answered, “How much money is in the treasury?”

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Sources: Aliens truck drivers covering for Freedom Convoy drivers
Covid positive deer refuse masks
Jeff Bezos demands a discounted price for Canada
God to smite the rest of Canada on 10/2/2022

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

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Red Deer Reporter: US covert operatives spotted in the area! (Fiction)

From the Babbler:  This article is from our sister publication, the Red Deer Reporter. It’s based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Sightings of possible US covert operatives near Red Deer skyrocketed following the disastrous G-7 summit.

Josephine, who asked that we not use her last name, described her encounter with one:  “I was sitting in my favorite bar when this weird man walked up to me and sat next to me without my permission.  He said he was a member of the ‘Wild Alberta’ party, but they weren’t going far enough.  He wondered if I thought that the US should invade Alberta so (President Trump) could make it great again.  I told him that invasions kill poor people to make rich people richer.  I also told him that I used to be a member of the United Conservative Party, but then I started reading Against the Grain and the  Reprobate Spreadsheet.  Now I am a much better person. He left.  Come to think of it, he did have an odd accent.”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said a tractor-trailer truck pulled up next to him.  The driver stepped out and offered Paul an assault rifle.  Paul declined:  “I have enough guns.  The driver said that he was going to help ‘Texas North’ resist the ‘French Occupational Government.’  He asked if I would take up arms to defend the English Language.  I said people from Quebec are fine, but I would take up arms against the United States.  They steal our cheap medicine and demand that we say ‘eh’ for their amusement.  I would love to plunder their shale oil so Alberta could control the global market.  The driver took the gun away and left without saying goodbye.  How rude.”

Dena Z. Franson claims she encountered a sniper on her ranch:  “I saw this fake cow in my field.  Figuring it was a joke, I decided to approach it and throw it out.  When a got about a meter away, a man inside said, ‘Moo.  La moo.’  I stopped, and he said it again.  Then he said, ‘I am a Canadian cow.  Moo!  La Moo!’  I said that it is a balmy 15 C degrees outside, and he might overheat inside that fake cow.  That’s when I saw a rifle barrel come out of the cow’s mouth.  He used some unpleasant language before saying, “I’m here to make America again, and I’ll shoot any Canadian who refuses to submit to our President.  La Great!  La Shoot!  La Kill!  La Trump!’  I ran away.”

Police and Royal Canadian Mounted Police officials said they were not aware of any US military presence near Red Deer.  They did suggest that if any resident encounters US operatives, they should run to safety and call 911.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Space alien criminals spotted near Red Deer
US mayor complains about people complaining
Picture of James Randi fails to cure a local woman of her allergies
God to spare Red Deer on 14/6/18

Red Deer Reporter: PM Justin Trudeau survives Trump handshake by using an exoskeleton (Fiction)

Note:  The Bolingbrook Babbler shares content from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Red Deer Reporter, based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Anonymous Sources say Prime Minister Justin Trudeau used an exoskeleton to resist President Donald Trump’s grab and pull handshake.

“His cabinet was worried when we saw what Trump did to the Japanese Prime Minister,”  said one source.  “We suspect that Trump used some kind of enhancement.”  He then made a cough that sounded like he was saying: “steroids and speed.”  He continued: “We figured that if Trump wants to use an enhanced handshake, so can the Prime Minister.”

The sources agree that Trudeau used a top secret military exoskeleton during his visit to the White House. The suit, according to the sources, is currently used by warehouse workers in Canada’s restricted bases.  Said a source named Bob: “If this powered suit can lift 100 Kg, it can resit Donald Trump’s aggressive handshake.”

Staff members were allegedly impressed with the exoskeleton’s performance during the visit.  They also praised how Trudeau managed the suit’s battery.  “If you paid attention during the second handshake, Trudeau’s apparent hesitation was actually him turning on the suit.  He didn’t waste his power like a certain world leader is doing.”

An anonymous source at the White House denied that that Trump uses an enhanced handshake.  “You are not reporting the true story!  You need to get back to Canada and tell your readers the truth! The truth is the Canadian government is overrun with Reptillians and everyone who voted for your leader is probably an alien.  Stop attacking our President and start asking how our great President can save Canada!”

A spokesperson for Trudeau denied that he used an enhanced handshake.  “Justin is the strongest and fittest world leader alive!  He knows how to box!  President Obama could have put up a fight, but Trump!  Ha!  He’d kick his ass just as badly as we kicked your asses in the War of 1812!”

A man who sounded like Trudeau then took the phone.  “My apologies for his unusual rashness.  I just want to assure my fellow citizens that not only will we welcome refugees, we will also welcome expat Canadians back as well.  Even if you think you were a lousy Canuck.”

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:
First US refugees arrive in Red Deer
Local Burger King to test burger with Tim Horton’s doughnut bun
Mayor urge all werecats to stay indoors this winter
God to spare Red Deer on 14/2/17