Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Bolingbrook Residents,

The following is Bolingbrook United’s response to Mayor Claar’s January 18, 2018, State of the Village address.

The State of the Village was an event for a select few: On Thursday an elite group of Bolingbrook business owners, residents and guests, along with countless politicians, listened to Mayor Roger Claar provide his view of the state of our Village. The event took place at the taxpayer funded and owned Bolingbrook Golf Club. Like previous years, if residents wanted to attend the event they had to pay a staggering fee of $70 per person. Many residents cannot afford that high-ticket price or have the ability to take time off work to attend the event, which was held on a Thursday afternoon. As a result, such residents are relegated to watching it over the internet or on public access television. Bolingbrook United believes that the State of the Village should be held at Village Hall or the Bolingbrook High School, during the evening, with no cost to attend. It should be open to all residents, and not just those who can afford to take time off of work and pay an exorbitant fee to attend.

There is need for more economic development: During his address, Mayor Claar expressed his concerns about the economic shift away from typical brick and mortar retail and the effect it is having on local tax revenue. He complained about the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the former location of Century Tile, and mentioned how it is an eyesore. He specifically noted that little has changed with the Shopping Center since he became mayor over 34 years ago. While Bolingbrook United agrees with Mayor Claar about these concerns, we believe that his inaction has allowed this ‘eyesore’ and many other retail spaces to remain as virtual ghost towns with mass vacancies and unrenovated buildings. One of the first things Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, of Bolingbrook United, did after being elected was discuss with Mayor Claar the need for an Economic Development Committee, which would look at how to better utilize these spaces, attract new businesses, and turn ‘eyesores’ into functioning businesses that improve our community. Mayor Claar refused to consider Trustee Jaskiewicz’s suggestion. Instead, during the State of the Village, Mayor Claar stated there was nothing that could be done for such areas. Instead of complaining and throwing in the proverbial towel, Mayor Claar and the rest of Village Hall should be taking action. Bolingbrook United believes that an Economic Development Committee should be established immediately and that the Village should stop being complacent and instead go to work on helping to revitalize these vacant areas.

The Village must address the massive debt it has incurred: Under the leadership of Mayor Claar, the Village has incurred over $300 million dollars of debt in part by expending Village dollars on frivolities such as the following: purchasing Clow airport; building the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and attempting to become a home developer by purchasing Americana Estates. At no time during his address did Mayor Claar mention how much debt the Village has, but he insisted that the Village is finished with incurring debt. Unfortunately, this is not a true statement. The Village is currently involved in litigation with Illinois American Water. In short, the Village is attempting to buy back the water system that Mayor Claar and the Village sold 20 years ago. That transaction, when it occurs, is expected to cost the Village tens of millions of dollars that will be added to our debt.

Bolingbrook United believes the Village needs to come to terms with the incredible amount of debt it has incurred under Mayor Claar. The Village cannot continue to kick the debt can down the road for future generations to solve. We must do something about it now.

We need to solve our trash problem and increase basic services to residents: A basic concern of many residents is trash disposal. Mayor Claar’s opposition to the use of trash cans or “toters” as they more accurately called, is well known. Since his election, Trustee Jaskiewicz has repeatedly asked that the issue of waste disposal be taken seriously and placed on the Village agenda. We’ve tried to get the Village’s attention to this important issue, to no avail; we even marched in the Pathways Parade this past year pushing toters to draw attention it. Bolingbrook United believes that the matter of garbage cans, toters, recyclable bags and waste management as a whole should be a Village agenda item. We need public discourse on this topic and we need a solution to our trash problem; for far too long, our Village has looked like a giant refuse site as a result of the trash that blows out of recyclable bins and torn garbage bags. People want to be heard on this issue and whether you are for or against toters, Bolingbrook United believes that the Village should have an active and open discussion on the issue.

In addition, when it comes to snow removal, I hope we can all agree that the removal of snow from streets is a public safety issue and that residents want their streets plowed. It is neither funny nor acceptable that during the State of the Village Mayor Claar mocked residents who questioned where the plows and salt trucks were during the most recent snowfall. We know our Village employees work hard and do a great job, but we realize that we now have half as many employees in the Public Works Department than we had ten years ago. Bolingbrook United believes that resident concerns need to be taken seriously. Residents should not be insulted by their mayor for questioning a matter of safety in the Village.

We must stop the “everyone else is the problem” mentality in Village Hall: During the State of the Village, Mayor Claar took the opportunity to promote his favorite candidates, businesses and political patrons – most of whom donate to his campaign fund and/or are outspoken supporters of him. He also chastised Democrats, and Republicans to a lesser degree, at the state and federal levels for not working together. We found these statements to be incredible considering that since the election, Mayor Claar has frequently used Village meetings to put down and/or denigrate Bolingbrook United, its supporters, and its suggestions/ideas. He has refused to collaborate with or listen to the concerns expressed by Trustee Jaskiewicz and those he represents who disagree with his agenda in any manner. Bolingbrook United believes that our Village should not mirror our ineffective state and federal governments. The mayor and the rest of our elected officials need to collaborate with one another, even if they are of a different political persuasion.

Sources: Bolingbrook to investigate the Clintons (Fiction)

Will the Village of Bolingbrook investigate the Clinton family? Sources with relatives whose friends work at Village Hall say yes:

“Sure the FBI is investigating the Clinton Foundation,” said one source. “But we know that they’re in league with the Deep State. Can we really trust any organization tied to them? So we’re helping Trump— I mean we’re helping bring the Clintons to justice.”

“There are many laws the Clintons could have broken,” said another source. “Did Bill have an affair while visiting Illinois? That’s a crime in Illinois. There are other obscure laws in Illinois that we could get them on. I mean discover if they violated. The point is that there are so many crimes that the Clintons could have committed, that we can’t expect Congress and the FBI to investigate them all. It is the patriotic duty of every community to investigate the Clintons.”

The sources agree that Mayor Roger Claar asked the village staff to “look into Clinton’s ties to Bolingbrook, no matter insignificant they may seem.” Though the Clintons did not make any campaign stops in Bolingbrook, Claar, the sources say, believes that there could be some “inappropriate connections” between some Bolingbrook residents and the Clintons.

“Maybe some residents did more than vote for Clinton. Maybe they received secret funds from the Clintons and used them to run for local office. We can’t know for sure unless we investigate.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said: “He hated me and committed a crime. How is that not a hate crime? For that matter, how can you say that my support of Donald Trump is not a creed? A creed is a set of beliefs that guide someone’s actions. Google it if you don’t believe me!”

In the background, a woman said: “Actually, I have the Babbler on Line One. The Herald is on Line Two.”

“I’ll deal with you later,” Claar said before hanging up.

Chelsea Clinton laughed after being asked about the alleged investigation. “I’ll make this quick since the board meeting is about to start. I don’t know who this Mayor Blair is. I’ve never heard of Bowling Illinois, most of the money the Clinton Foundation makes goes towards its programs, the former President is my dad, my mother won the popular vote, I have four degrees, including a doctorate from Oxford University, I’m not wearing an ankle bracelet, Alex Jones eats pizza, and I’m more qualified to hold office than Donald Trump is. Have a nice life.”

Also in the Babbler:

Man frozen since last week revived at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital
Traffic down 25 percent at Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook Skeptics: All Will County prisoners wrongly convicted due to false memories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/11/18

Web Exclusive: The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2018 (Fiction)

Will Obama save the world in 2018?

Once again, our psychics nailed their predictions for 2017. Trump survived his first term. Mayor Roger Claar was in a tight election, which he won. Jay Cutler left the Bears, and President Donald Trump had an inauguration so rough that the White House had to lie about it.

Sure, some of the more skeptical bloggers on Freethought Blogs will point out our errors and the things we missed. Chicago didn’t become a part of Canada, and we didn’t predict our move to this blog network.

Predicting the future isn’t an exact science. Still, we think our psychics did a good job, and we hope you will consider their visions for the new year. At least this year, they were able to wake up from their trances without screaming in horror!

So here are our predictions for 2018:

***

During the Winter Olympics, Trump will decide to launch a nuclear attack. After entering the codes, a message from former President Barack Obama will appear.

“Donald! I knew you couldn’t resist the opportunity to use our nuclear weapons. So, I took the liberty of keeping the real nuclear football and giving you this replica. I can’t let you risk the reputation of this great nation by committing genocide. Well, by committing genocide again. We aren’t perfect. Anyway, you can play with your little football, and I’ll keep our huge stockpile of peacekeepers safe and secure until a reasonable person takes office.”

Obama will go into hiding, while Trump will unleash the mother of all Twitter rants.

***

During a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting, Claar will try to humiliate Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz – by letting him propose an ordinance with the expectation that the other trustees, who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party, would refuse to second it.

To Claar’s surprise, all of his trustees will second the proposal. After Jaskiewicz gives a short speech, Claar will say that anyone who votes for the ordinance is a foe of Bolingbrook. He will then call for a roll-call vote.

When it is their turn to vote, each Bolingbrook First trustee will struggle to say anything. “I can’t say the ’n’ word!” one of them will cry.

Frustrated, Claar will lash out at Trustee Rick Morales. “You’ve voted no in the past. Why can’t you do it now?”

“You said there is no “no” in a team and if I want to stay on the team, I can never vote “no.” But I can’t vote with Bob. I’m so confused. I can’t tell you to get with the program because you are the program, Roger.”

Jaskiewicz will chuckle. “You’ve conditioned your trustees never to vote no. They can’t overcome it.”

The final vote will be one vote “no,” one vote “yes,” and five abstentions. After the voting, the Bolingbrook First trustees will either be crying, passed out, or reading their trustee reports out loud.

“That’s just great,” Claar will say.

***

A prominent leader in the atheist movement will file a $1 trillion lawsuit against all Christian dominations.

“I’ve built my career on the fact that Jesus never existed,” the prominent atheist will say. “By promoting the myth of Jesus, these organizations are maliciously attacking my work and raising slanderous questions about my sanity. I have no choice but to defend my reputation.”

***

The business world will be shocked when Bolingbrook’s Ulta buys UPS. Ulta will then disrupt e-commerce by announcing that they will no longer handle Amazon’s freight.

“Maybe it is overkill to buy a global freight company,” an executive will say. “But something has to be done to stop Amazon from destroying retail sales. Will someone think of the malls?”

Surprisingly, the move will only inspire Amazon to expand its own logistical services. Most of the world will not see any disruptions in deliveries.

“We’re so big that the economy bends to our will,” an anonymous Amazon executive will say. “Soon every American will either work for us or work to support us. In the end, there can be only one corporation. Let it be Amazon!”

Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1988, space aliens have been barred from trick or treating in Bolingbrook.

“Melania Trump, who is the director of the United States Office of UFO Base Operations, issued a new set of directives,” read the press release from Clow UFO Base. “Based on these directives, we have decided not to allow trick or treating by our visitors.”

Sources within Clow UFO Base provided copies of Melania’s directives. While the documents do not directly specify Trick or Treating, they do stress that UFO Bases under Illuminati control must not “allow aliens to take ‘anything of value’ from resident humans without filling out impact statements.”

“It’s just too much bureaucracy,” said an anonymous Clow official. “Since it’s essentially aliens taking candy away from Bolingbrook’s children, we decided not to bother. Think of it as (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) putting Bolingbrook’s kids first.”

Plojakwil, a resident of Kepler-62f, said she was disappointed in the ruling.

“I spend months crammed inside Clow UFO base for my job. They just canceled the one time of year I get to go outside without a costume. Thanks, Roger.”

Javekodosh, a scientist for the Interstellar Commonwealth, says the ban will hurt interstellar research:

“We can observe from a distance, we can insert probes, and we can consume your media. Nothing, however, takes the place of face to face interactions with humans. Some our best sociology studies of humans involved trick or treating. This decision will hurt science in Bolingbrook.”

Javekodosh also questioned the rationale for the ban:

“If there are more trick or treaters, it means residents will have to buy more candy. Increasing candy sales will help local businesses. More residents may consider handing out candy. That means more candy for Bolingbrook’s children.”

Plojakwil says she plans on trick or treating in Rochelle instead:

“I’m taking my business to Hub 35 and the New World Order. They allow us to trick or treat and the staff there are nicer. If Roger doesn’t stand up to the Trumps, Clow will lose money.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said: “Trick or Treating this year is allowed on October 31st from 4 PM to 7 PM. Make sure you accompany your children or have a responsible teen to keep an eye on them.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like the unofficial advisor Charline Spencer said: “Senators Bob Corker and Jeff Flake have scored political points by distancing themselves from Trump. You could—“

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “They’re quitters. Do I look like a quitter?”

Also in the Babbler:

Black cats call for compassion during Halloween
Bolingbrook witches promise to protect village from evil spirits
Claar bans Nazi costumes in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/1/17

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s ‘Alt-right’ to host atheist convention (Fiction)

Content notice: Depictions of the “Alt-Right” (Reminder: Fiction)

Bolingbrook Beyond Belief. Summer 2019. "Atheism feels good, man!"

A proposed poster for the Bolingbrook Beyond Belief atheist convention.

The Bolingbrook Pepe the Frog Fan Club, a self-described “Alt-right group,” announced that they are organizing an atheist convention for the summer of 2018.

“We can’t hold rallies anymore because of the counter-protesters,” said Dennis, president of the club. “We can, however, safely host an atheist convention.”

The convention, tentatively titled “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” is inspired by the controversial Mythinformation Conference. Like Mythicon, “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” plans to feature predominately “Alt-right” speakers and have liberal “special guests” in the audience.

Alex, the group’s liaison to the Atheist Movement, says he strongly believes the “Alt-right” could be great allies: “Look, we have much in common. We both believe we’re smarter than average people. We both believe that we’re being kept down by lesser people. We both want to return to a glorious past. We both hate feminists and Islamists. We agree on 99 percent on the issues. Why let a few minor issues, like the alleged humanity of non-whites, keep us apart?”

Dennis agreed: “Love them or hate them, everyone knows that atheists are smart. If we host an atheist convention, the public will realize that our ideas are worthy of intellectual consideration. The atheist movement, in return, will get access to our army of trolls, funding from Mercer’s network of alt-right groups, and young men willing to march for atheism. They’ll even leave the torches at home if asked to. It’s a win-win for both of us! The choice is simple. Join us and other superior people as we try to peacefully cleanse the world, or let Skepticon define atheism.”

Alex pretended to gag when Skepticon was mentioned.

Dennis conceded that while many YouTube personalities have asked to speak at the convention, prominent atheist leaders have not agreed to speak at Bolingbrook Beyond Belief.

Alex felt that would change soon. “We just sent an invitation to the most militant atheist in the country. He says he represents all atheists, no matter what their other beliefs are. So he has to come here. When he does, other atheist thought leaders will come here. It’s just—“

“(Expletive Deleted)!”

“What?”

“David Silverman, the president of American Atheists, just sent me an IM. He says we’re evil, and sent me a link to his Facebook post.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. We only promote evil ironically, so that makes it OK. Is he going to come?”

“No. He says he leads the marines of atheism, and marines don’t support Nazis. He also says that he’ll personally rewrite the dictionary to exclude us from being defined as atheists.”

“Damn it!. Well, we can invite Dave Smalley instead.”

“Yes. Maybe he’ll be out of his denial phase by the time the convention starts.”

An e-mail from the Bolingbrook Skeptics denounced Bolingbrook Beyond Belief: “The Alt-right is just a rebranding of fascism. No matter what you call it, fascism is un-awesome!”

Helping Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands (Non-fiction)

Ultimately, it will take a significant commitment from the US Government help Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands to recover from the devastation caused by Hurricane Maria. In the meantime, there are some ways for civilians to help.

PBS has a good list of charities. Foundation Beyond Belief is raising funds for recovery efforts for all three hurricanes this season. You can also donate to the Red Cross, though it might be better to donate to a local relief organization instead. Charity Navigator offers research on many charities, as well as these other sites.

Wherever you donate, consider giving cash instead of supplies. Money allows organizations to buy the supplies they need. Material donations take time to sort, and not all donations can be used.

Again, it will take a significant commitment from the US Government to rebuild Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, but donating now can provide some relief.

Rochelle Reader: Clinton and Sanders clash at Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

Note: This article is from the Rochelle Reader, our sister publication in Rochelle, IL.

Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resumed their attacks against each other during their debate at Hub 35 UFO Base:

“My opponent wants a revolution,” said Clinton. “You know, when I think of revolutions, I think of Mao, Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot! As the great philosopher John Lennon once said, ‘You can count me out!’ ”

Sanders countered: “When I think of revolution, I think of George Washington, Gandhi, Emma Goldman, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Incidentally, I would have marched ahead of Dr. King if there weren’t so many people blocking my way!”

Clinton later said that she accepted responsibility for her Electoral College defeat. Next, she proceeded to blame Russia, James Comey, the media, Saturday Night Live, the Green Party, The Young Turks, Sanders, and the Illuminati.

“Since the 1980s, the Illuminati have chosen each major party’s nominee; then the New World Order proceeds to influence the general election. When the Illuminati selected Donald Trump, I thought they were handing me the presidency. I didn’t realize they were actually plotting to overthrow the New World Order and unleash chaos upon the world.”

Sanders agreed, then counterattacked: “If you had just campaigned in Wisconsin, you could have overpowered the Illuminati’s spells, and won. I supported you in the general election, and you not only let the world down, but you also let the galaxy down. We were on the verge of being invited to the Galactic Commonwealth, and now Trump is considering closing off all contact with our Interstellar Comrades.”

Clinton snapped back: “You didn’t support me until you forced me to put your imaginary ponies in the Democratic platform. Before you finally endorsed me, your supporters protested on the floor of the convention and reminded moderates of the 1968 convention. Then you refused to have me nominated by acclamation. You cost me the election!”

“You cost yourself the election when the Democratic National Committee worked with the Illuminati to defeat me. I should have won the nomination, and I could have stopped the Illuminati uprising.”

Clinton laughed. “I won the popular vote in the Democratic primary, and I would have won more states if it weren’t for the caucus states. I’m sorry, but my supporters don’t want to be in a room with men threatening to throw chairs at them.”

“Winning the popular vote did a lot of good for you.”

When members of the interstellar press asked how they each wanted to move forward, each offered a different path. Sanders said he would fight for full membership in the Commonwealth, pass his version of single payer health care, and focus on the working class:

“The Democrats have focused too much on petty differences. Who cares if you are LBGXYZ? Who cares what color your skin is? The only thing that matters is having a social safety net like the rest of Europe. Then we can aspire to be protected by the Interstellar Commonwealth. It’s time to think bold! We are one human race.”

Clinton shook her head. “Socialism doesn’t fix bigotry. Just look at the rise of the far right in Europe. We should not surrender our party’s values to please a basket full of deplorable Trump supporters. I’m proud to support minorities, even if I used to call some of their children superpredators.”

Clinton said that she was out of politics, but would work within the New World Order to restore international institutions, support the international cover up of intelligent life in the universe, and to work with Republicans to build a “balanced international economy.”

“I firmly believe that you should learn to jump off a diving board before you try to jump off Mount Everest. My opponent wants to jump off Mount Everest blindfolded and holding two feathers.”

After the debate, Sanders hosted a free meet and greet, where deli items were served. Clinton attended an exclusive party where she met with interstellar leaders, and business leaders.

Oklogot, a reporter from the Komkket system, was not pleased with the debate:

“Trump is going to win a second term, and Earth will suffer an environmental disaster. There are no political parties on a dead planet.”

Sources: Bolingbrook vows crackdown against local Antifa cell (Fiction)

After federal agencies declared Antifa to be a terrorist organization, sources say the Bolingbrook police department will confront the Bolingbrook cell of the anti-fascist group.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“Violence in the name of anti-fascism and anti-racism is just as wrong as violence in the name of fascism and racism,” said one source within the police department. “Bolingbrook is a peaceful community, and we want to keep it that way.”

Though various versions of Antifa, which is short for anti-fascist, have been around since the 1930s, Antifa activities in the US increased following the election of President Donald Trump. Notable actions include shutting down Milo Yiannopoulos’s speech in Berkeley, CA; confrontations with Neo-nazis during the Unite the Right protest in Charlottesville, VA; and an attack against suspected Alt-right members during an anti-fascist counter protest in Berkeley.

According to various sources, Bolingbrook police officers will be interviewing anyone who could be interested in joining Antifa:

“Democrats, Republicans in Name Only, residents with an unusual interest in the rise of Nazism, people whose relatives were targeted by the Nazis or fascists, and anyone who has ever spoken out or posted against Fascism or the so-called ‘alt-right.’ We will do whatever it takes to ensure peace in Bolingbrook.”

Emma, who claims to be a member of Bolingbrook Antifa, denounced the alleged crackdown.

“Most of our time is spent searching the Internet for posts by Bolingbrook fascists. Our work so far has been non-violent.”

Emma, however, said that they would defend Bolingbrook if racists and fascists marched on Bolingbrook.

“With all of the negative coverage Antifa has received, you’d almost forget that a woman was killed by a white supremacist a few weeks ago, or that five white supremacists beat a man, or that a white supremacist shot at a counter-protester and the police did nothing. These are violent people. I’m sure there are decent officers on the Bolingbrook police force, but we can’t rely on them to protect us if fascists march on Bolingbrook. We love our diverse community enough to protect it. If that means buying a used tank and spending money on guns, shields, mace, and batons, we’ll do it. Right now we can’t reason with fascists. We have to defend ourselves now. If we give them a platform in Bolingbrook, they will use it to stage attacks against all marginalized communities. No ethnic cleansing in Bolingbrook! We’re going to live up to our name, and we invite all anti-fascist residents to support us!”

Charline Spencer, an unofficial spokesperson for the village of Bolingbrook, neither confirmed or denied the existence of a police crackdown against Bolingbrook Antifa:

“If Antifa uses violence, or if the Alt-right attempts any leaderless resistance actions in Bolingbrook, they will be arrested. The rule of law still applies in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Roger Claar said, “OK. No more memes, no more attempts at irony. No more silly hand signals. Tell me exactly what the Pepe the Frog Fan Club of Bolingbrook wants.”

Pepe fan club member: “We want to make Bolingbrook white for the first time.”

A man who sounds like Claar: “Get the (expletive deleted) out of my office now.”

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Happy Labor Day, Bolingbrook!
Clow UFO Base to impose Illuminati only policy
Anarchist zombies spotted in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/9/17

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Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Sources: Bolingbrook to investigate the Clintons (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2018 (Fiction)

Aliens banned from trick or treating in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

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Rochelle Reader: Clinton and Sanders clash at Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

Sources: Bolingbrook vows crackdown against local Antifa cell (Fiction)