Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign to host Sean Casten themed ‘Hellhouse’ in Wheaton (Fiction)

Sources inside Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign say the campaign will run a haunted attraction based around his Democratic opponent, Sean Casten.  Based on “Hellhouses” run by Christian ministries, the attraction will be called “Casten you to Hell.”  It will open October 1st and run through Halloween.

Will this graphic promote Rep. Peter Roskam’s ‘Hellhouse’?

“Sean Casten is a liberal devil,” said Blake, who claims to be a paid member of Roskam’s staff.  “We want to show the voters of the Sixth Congressional District the kind of Hell on Earth Casten would inflict on them.”

According to the sources, horrors planned for the house include: 

  • Women wearing pussy hats while getting abortions
  • Liberals taking away guns because they’re “triggering.”
  • Heavy Duty pickup trucks turning into electric powered subcompact cars
  • Transpeople having the same rights as white men
  • Black Lives Matter activists patrolling Wheaton
  • “Entitled” activists burning an entrepreneur

When asked if the “Entitled” activists were supposed to represent Social Security and Medicare recipients, Blake shushed this reporter.  “We’re not allowed to talk about S and M in Wheaton.”

Jack, a volunteer for Roskam, said part of the house will portray “a Casten owned business.”  It will depict Casten burning money, while employees are taxed to death, and “Christian Freedom Fighters” are crushed by a giant “carbon foot.”

“We tried to get Sean’s former employees to speak out against him,” said Jack.  “None of them wanted to.  He must have cast a spell on them because they all said they liked him.”

Blake says the “Hell House” will play a key role in securing victory for Roskam.  “Most constituents hate Peter.  If we can make them fear Sean, we’ll win.  Fear is stronger than hate.  So spread the fear!  Oh, did you know that Sean’s Barrington office is also a gay bar?  That’s scary!”

A receptionist for the Casten campaign said the campaign didn’t believe Roskam would host such an event.  “These attack ads just cover up the fact that Peter is afraid of his constituents.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you saw Peter in our district?”

In the background, a woman said, “Sean!  (Illinois Speaker of the House Mike Madigan) just sent a truckload of flyers.”  

“Wow.  That’s nice.  Considering I’ve never spoken or donated any money to him.  Let me take a look.  Wait a minute.  These are Kelly Mazeski flyers.”

“Mike included this card with the flyers.”

“Let me see.  ‘Roses are red/Violets are blue/Kelly was my candidate/Drop out of the race or I’ll—’ Woah!”

A receptionist for Roskam neither confirmed nor denied the story.  “I love the Bolingbrook Babbler.  I’ve been reading your stories since I was a kid.  Every week I recite the prayer that will save Bolingbrook.  I’ll tell Peter that you’re on Skype with me!”

The receptionist walked into a meeting room.  Roskam and eight other men were sitting around a table.

“I had a weird dream,” said one of the men.  “I dreamt that Sean Casten told me he was moving to Michigan but he would keep a house in our district so he could still be eligible to represent our district.”

Roskam slapped the table.  “That’s our next web ad.”

“But it was just a dream, congressman.”

“Was it a dream?  God can speak to us in our dreams, right? Maybe he decided to make you a prophet that will lead me to victory.”

“Wow!  I’ve felt God in Wheaton, but—but.”  The man started speaking in tongues.

“I wonder if anyone else on my staff has been blessed by our Lord and Savior.  You know you can’t be on my staff unless He’s touched you.”

The rest of the staff started speaking in tongues.

“I love having Wheaton in my district.”

Web Exclusive: Rep. Peter Roskam to ignite a ‘bonfire of pants’ on Facebook (Fiction)

Representative Peter Roskam’s campaign is undeterred by one of their Facebook ads getting a “Pants on Fire” rating by Politifact Illinois.

Picture of congressional candidate Sean Casten with a sports car in the background. The text says "Sean Casten drives a car! Peter Roskam runs. Paid for by Roskam for Congress"

A web ad allegedly produced by Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign. 

“We’re going to lite a bonfire of burning pants on Facebook!” said a campaign staffer who asked to be called Bobby.  “We won’t stop there!  We’re already flooding the Internet with web ads!  We added a new Twitter account.  We’re going to say and show anything and everything to burn down Sean Casten!”

“You’re supposed to say, ‘Sleazy Casten.’”  said another staffer.

“I thought that was next week?”

“Next week is ‘Cheating Casten.’  This weak is ‘Sleazy.’”

“What’s two weeks from now?”

“Car-driving Casten.”

Flush with money from political action committees and support from the Congressional Leadership Fund, the Roskam campaign is aggressively attacking Casten.  The Cook Report rates the race a tossup, and Bobby says they are working hard to change that.

“We gave Sean a big tax cut, and this is how he thanks Peter?  No, he deserves everything we’re going to throw at him.”

When asked if the campaign would be fact-checking their ads moving forward, Bobby replied: “(Rudy Giuliani) says the truth isn’t always true.  Are you going to argue with America’s Mayor?”

Charlene Spencer, an employee at Bolingbrook’s Barber’s Corner Media, says her company will be producing the next round of Facebook ads for the Roskam campaign.  She doubts any of the ads will get a “pants on fire” rating:  “I designed the ‘Casten kisses a married woman every night ad.’  I’m sure he does kiss his wife every night.  If people draw a different conclusion, then the problem is in how he presents himself—  Not with the ad itself.”

When asked about the “Casten spends time with two younger women” ad, Spencer replied, “His daughters are younger than him.  The most the media can do is ding me with a ‘mostly true’ rating.  It’s amazing what you can create when you don’t let ethics and morality get in the way.”

Roskam invited this reporter to his West Chicago office to discuss his “pants on fire” ranking.  He spent most of the interview decrying “fake news.”:

“As I said in our only debate, don’t believe everything you read.  I mean look at my pants.  Do they look burned?  Do you see any patches?  Do you see any repairs?  I did not set my pants on fire, and that is why the real residents of the Sixth District don’t believe the news. The fake news wants you to think that I am so unpopular, I have to attack Sean.  I don’t have to have to attack him.  I want to attack him on behalf of all the real residents of the Sixth District.”

A Congressional staff member opened his door:  “Holly just finished her question about health care.”

“Excuse me.  I have to deal with my teleconference town hall.”

Roskam picked up the phone and pressed a button:  “Thank you for sharing your story, Johanna.  I’m sure many people here were moved by your words.  Health care issues are the reason I love being a congressman, and I will keep writing legislation until Congress gets it right.  Thank you for taking the time to participate in this town hall.  I think we have another question.”

Roskam pressed a button and put down the headset.

“Now where were we?”

Wereskunks canvass Bolingbrook for Republican candidates (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents claim to have met weresunks canvassing for Republican candidates.

Dolly, (not her real name) said two weresunks knocked on her door.  According to her, one of them said, “(Congressman) Bill Foster stinks, and you stink if you support him.”

The other one said, “I’ll mark your house so everyone will know you’re a stinking Foster voter.”

“I told them I was going to call the police,” said Dolly.  “I swear, one of them turned in to a 10-foot tall man-skunk with sharp claws.  It said calling the police was the wrong answer.  I slammed the door and locked it.  It sprayed the door and the front yard!  I thought tiny skunks were bad.”  Dolly added that she had to spend a fortune on peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent to deodorize her home.

Shannon encountered another group of wereskunk canvassers while walking home:  “They shoved a flyer in my hand and said I should vote for Alyssia Benford for State Representative.  I said she should fix the mess she helped make at the DuPage Township before fixing the mess in Springfield.”

According to Shannon, the canvassers confessed to being wereskunks, and they were really working on behalf of Mayor Roger Claar.  The wereskunks said that if the Republicans swept all of the races on the November Ballot, Claar would continue to ban garbage toters.  Garbage bags were more manageable for their cousins to open than garbage toters.

Shannon added, “One of them dropped his pants and turned around.  He said he would spray me if I didn’t vote for Benford.  I ran away.  I didn’t know what they would do if I told them that Jackie Traynere was running unopposed.”

Shannon also claimed that she heard the wereskunks chant: “Vote for Benford.  Vote for Claar.  Let our scent fill the air!”

An anonymous Will County Republican Party Official denied the wereskunks were working for the party.  “You guys are the pioneers of fake news.  Well, after we win all of our elections, the public will never trust the liberal media again.”

A person in the background sobbed and said, “It’s hopeless.  We’re going to be wiped out in November, and our donors will demand a refund!”

“Shut up!” snapped the Republican official.  “(Senator Rand Paul) is going to Russia to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A member of the Foster campaign said she wasn’t worried about the wereskunks: “I can say this now that the canvassers have left.  Our only worry is when I’ll be able to sing my new song at the victory party.”

She started singing, “We’re gonna ride the blue wave” to the melody of “Wipeout.”

An aide to Claar denied the existence of wereskunks:  “Really, guys?  Wereskunks?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:   “I’m calling you today because you’re a loyal Republican, just like me.  You’ve always supported our party no matter what. This election, supporting our party means supporting Congressman Dan Lipinski.  We need—What?  You’re still voting for Arthur Jones?  He’s a neo-Nazi.  Since our party couldn’t agree on a write-in candidate, you might as well vote for Dan.  He voted with Trump 45 percent of the time this year.  Wait!  What do you mean you want to own a liberal?”

Also in the Babbler

Village urges calm as Martian Colonial battleship hovers over Clow UFO Base
New World Order surveys Palatine for UFO Base sites
FBI destroys ‘compromising’ photo of Rep. Roskam in a map room
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/18

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar punishes Illuminati operative following Casten/Roskam debate (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar punished an Illuminati operative for incompetence following the Illinois Sixth Congressional Debate.  

Rep. Peter Roskam (Left) and Sean Casten (Right) during their first televised debate on Fox 32 in Chicago.

According to a transcript obtained by the Babbler, the operative was supposed to plant a device in Rep. Peter Roskam’s podium to calm him, and another in Sean Casten’s podium to make him angry and agitated.  The operative mixed up the podiums.

“I thought they were going to seat Sean Casten stage left, and Roskam stage right,” protested the operative.  She added, “I probably should have known that Fox would put the Republican stage left to get more attention from the viewers.  Still, it was a simple mistake.”

Claar, who has been a leader in the Illuminati since 2016, replied, “Your ‘simple mistake’ may have cost us a useful stooge in Congress.  Peter has done so much to tear down our government.  We needed him to look like a calm leader and Casten to look like a panicked frat boy.  Do you know how much it will cost us to flood the Sixth District with subliminal ads to make up for what you did?  I’ve already invested $2000 in the Roskam campaign.  Now I’ll have to invest more.  Are you really a New World Order double agent?”

In the transcript, she knelt before Claar and begged for forgiveness.  Claar said he could have her executed, but he would show her mercy.  He ordered her to drive the “Gauntlet of Boredom” and not to return until she completed 100 laps.  

Sources within the Chicagoland Illuminati say the operative was last seen driving towards the construction site at Weber Road and trying to get on to I-55.

When called for a comment, Claar replied: “Do you know how happy I am that I raised over $300,000  last quarter?  Happy enough to play along with one of your interviews.  Let’s see, is it about Bigfoot porn?  Oh my God!  Who are you and what are you doing in my yard?”

A young man replied: “I’m with the Congressional Leadership Fund.  Oops.  I mean the Roskam campaign.  I’m putting up this free yard sign for you.”

“I don’t live in his district, and a yard sign here doesn’t help him. Don’t you know the boundaries of the Sixth district?”

“I don’t care.  They just pay me, and right now they’re paying me to put up yard signs in every donor’s yard.”

“Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to decorate my home without my permission?”

A staffer at Casten’s Barrington’s campaign headquarters refused to comment about the Illuminati:  “Fake stories don’t matter.  What matters is Sean won the debate, and we’re celebrating.  The Barrington Battle Station is ready for victory in November!”  Dance music played in the background for a few seconds then suddenly stopped.

A man who sounded like Casten said, “Guys!  Gather around me.  Now, I’ve never had someone doing victory dances for me, and I’m flattered.  But its way too soon!  Peter is hurting, but he’s not finished.  There’s too much money in his Wheaton War Room to ignore.  We have to keep canvassing and calling residents.  Did you see me shaking hands with the counter-protesters following the debate?  If I can shake hands with activists who traveled 30 miles to yell at me, you can meet with the friendlier Republicans in our district.”

On a video chat, an out-of-district Republican staffer canvassing with Roskam said: “I thought I was just signing up to talk to people about Congress.  I didn’t realize I was going to work for a political campaign.  Peter is starting to scare me.  You know how upset Peter is about this election?  He stopped spending time with his maps!  Now he’s actually out talking to residents.  He says he’s talked to 20,000 residents, but this is only the fifth one I’ve heard him talk to.  I don’t think ribbon cuttings should count.  Oh my God!  You’ve got to see this.”

The camera turned to show Roskam standing on the porch of an irate resident.

“Look at this Sean Casten tweet,” said Roskam.  “It’s not true.  He deleted it rather than issuing a formal apology and dropping out of the race.  He said words matter.  This tweet shows who Sean really is!”

“Words do matter,” she replied.  “For starters, there’s no such thing as an ‘average median.’  The median income here is below $100,000.  Your plan is skewed towards constituents who make more than that.”

“Don’t believe everything you read.  You know Steve Strauss in Plainfield, right?”

“No.”

“Good.  Steve owns Fries BBQ and Grill.  He said my tax plan will allow him to give his employees a raise.  Sean wants to—  Hey!  What are you doing on your phone?”

“Using Google.”

“You’re going to trust Google over me?”

“Yes, and even if you told me the truth, overall wages have dropped since your tax bill was enacted.”

“I’m tired of this toxic environment Democrats have created.  I’m trying to be bipartisan, and they’re running candidates against me.  Didn’t you watch the debate?  Sean said abortion is just like gallbladder surgery.  Is that insane?”

“You’re not a psychologist, and I’d rather have a congressman who thinks of abortion as a medical procedure than one who would use his wife’s stillbirth to avoid talking about his past mistakes.”

“Gallbladder surgery?”

“If you had your way, miscarriages and stillbirths would lead to criminal investigations.  It was terrible what happened to both of you, but it would have been worse if the police investigated your wife for prenatal neglect and abuse after the stillbirth. Would you have liked that?”

“Don’t listen to the liberal media.  Look.  I’ve stood up to my party and earned the endorsement of the American Chemistry Council for my work protecting the environment.”

“You voted to let coal companies pollute waterways!  You’ve always said one thing, and done another by voting against it.  You give politicians a bad name.  Now get off my property and don’t touch my Casten sign.”

The woman flipped off Roskam and slammed the door.

“I am one of the most powerful men in Congress.  I am on the Ways and Means Committee. I serve the real interests of this district.  Let me keep working in Congress, goddamnit!”

Village Board celebrates opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Members of the Village Board attended a ribbon cutting ceremony for Bolingbrook’s newest business, American Engagement.  The company, according to its press release, “aggressively promotes the interests of our clients on the Internet and restlessly pursues those who oppose their interests.”

Meme of a man spearing a carp.

“Carped” meme created by a Bolingbrook troll farm. (The Babbler staff choose not to show the subject’s face because he is not a public figure.)

“I’ve heard you’ve been called a ‘troll farmer,’ said Mayor Roger Claar to owner Craig Z. Bell.  “I don’t see any trolls here.  I see hard-working residents participating in the 21st-century economy.”

Bell thanked the mayor and trustees for attending the grand opening.  “Before my parents gave me my startup funding, they said that no one was better than the Russians at meme generation and forum engagement.  I replied that not only could Americans compete with the Russians, we could provide a better service than they can.  They gave me the money.  Roger gave me the opportunity, and here we are.  I’m proud to be a Bolingbrook business employing Bolingbrook residents.

After the ribbon cutting, Bell took the trustees on a tour of the facility, which was once a warehouse.  According to Bell, the facility is open 24 hours, and employees are paid to monitor and participate in thousands of social media groups and Reddit communities using specialized accounts.

“Each specialized account is maintained by at least three employees, providing 24 hours of continuous engagement on behalf of our clients.  All of our employees are legal US residents.”

“Don’t you mean fake accounts?”  asked Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

“Why are you so hostile towards local businesses, Bob?” countered Claar.

Bell introduced the board members to an employee who did not say his name.  He said hi, then took pictures of Trustees Deresa Hoogland and Maria Zarate.

“Thanks.  I needed more chick pics.”

Bell chuckled and said, “He’s going to make both of you Internet famous.”

“Ooh,” replied Hoogland.  “That means more Internet viewers when I read my public service announcements.”

In addition to “forum engagement,” Bell said AE also produces memes.  He then showed them their “Carped” meme:

“This is the first of what we hope will be many successful memes.  You should see the engagement numbers in Bolingbrook Politics and Bolingbrook Rants and Raves.”

“Wait a minute,” said Claar.  “You know this is a picture of one of my supporters.”

“Yeah, and he shouldn’t start arguments with people before blocking them.  Roger, this is all in good fun.  The important thing is that if we can create engaging content about a little-known resident, imagine what we could do for or against politicians or annoying activists.”

Bell then showed the board a meme they plan on releasing next year.  It was a painting of Trustee Sheldon Watts arm wrestling with Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  The spirits of deceased Trustee Leroy Brown and deceased former Mayor Ed Rosenthal are pushing Sheldon’s hand.  A demon and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel are pushing Jackie’s hand.

“That’s so beautiful,” said Watts.

“Are memes like this really good for democracy?” asked Jaskiewicz.  

“Bob, we told you not to criticize Sheldon because he was mentored by Leroy.  Have you no respect for the dead?”

“We’re a republic, not a democracy,” added Bell.

At a reception following the tour, a woman walked up to Bell:  “Hi.  I’m a new village employee.  As part of my new hire testing, I’m supposed to give you this check.”

Bell accepted the check.  Jaskiewicz looked at Claar and frowned.  Claar took the new hire aside:

“You were supposed to wait until after Bob left.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Prophet Mohammad rumored to be attending Joyfest
Susan Sarandon supports Clow UFO Base Occupation
Russian trolls vow to destroy the DuPage Township
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/18

Russian special forces supporting Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign (Fiction)

Some residents of Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District claim to have seen members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces campaigning for Rep. Peter Roskam.

“I saw 20 of them parachute out of a US military cargo plane,” said Cindy, who asked that we not use her last name.  Cindy claims the operatives landed on her street in Downers Grove.  According to Cindy, they were wearing American Flag clothing, and had their faces painted to look like the US Flag:

“I asked them what they were doing.  One of them replied and had a really thick Russian accent. He said, ‘We are moderate white residents of greatest Congress District in the USA.  We love Congressman Peter Roskam because he is real strong man, like Trump.  He is why people are walking away from Democrat Party.  He give us big tax cut. You agree.’ I just backed away.”

Dave, a resident of Palatine, claims that two of the Russian operatives canvassed his neighborhood:  “I asked why they knocked on my door when I have a Sean Casten sign in my yard.  They said they were concerned and going to hold an intervention.  I slammed the door on them and locked it.  About a minute later, one of them used a shotgun to destroy my lock.  They said I suffered from Trump Derangement Syndrome and the only cure is to vote for Peter.  They also said that they would give me electroshock therapy if I didn’t vote for Peter.  You know what, Peter Roskam is such a two-faced politician that I would rather be tasered than vote for him!”

Amber, who frequently pickets in front of Roskam’s Barrington field office, said she saw six Russian operatives outside the office building.  According to her, the men were greeted by a smiling Roskam staff member.  Amber asked why Roskam was meeting with the Russians, but would never meet with her. The staffer replied:  “Just because you happen to live within the Sixth District doesn’t make you a true constituent.  These men are the embodiment of the values of the Sixth District.  These are the people who are the key to victory for the Congressman.”

Amber countered, “Is that why Peter voted to force the Justice Department to turn over all documents related to the active Mueller investigation?  Is that why he voted against increasing funding for election security?  Is Peter more loyal to the Russians than he is to America?”

An operative replied, “It is cheaper for Comrade Peter to be our friends than our enemies.”

“Yeah,” the staffer agreed.  “Peter is all about saving money for the right people.  He doesn’t care about you and the other rabble infesting his district.  As far as we’re concerned, Moscow is the best city in the district!”

A Roskam campaign staff member denied any knowledge about Russian special forces units in his district:  “I don’t know what state I’m in, or if I’m even in Chicago.  All I know is that if the Russians are helping us defeat a Democrat, then I’m thankful.  Our new friends are helping us keep the country safe for Republicans.  What is your fake news rag doing?”

A spokesperson for Casten urged all residents of the district to resist Russian voter manipulation and intimidation:  “These tactics only work if the margin of victory is small.  If every Democrat votes, we will overwhelm the Russian hackers and alleged special forces soldiers to reclaim our democracy!  The choice is clear.  You can either vote for a fiscally responsible businessman and patriot, or you can reelect Congressman Roskam!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs monitor Alpine Days Parade
Mayor Claar tries to avoid Republican civil war in Bolingbrook
Alien prostitutes arrested in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/18. 

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”

Rochelle Reader: Rep. Roskam calls for nuking Bolingbrook during debate at UFO Base with Sean Casten (Fiction)

From time to time, we feature articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article is from the Rochelle Reader in Rochelle, IL.

By Reporter X

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

During an IL06 Congressional debate broadcast across the solar system, Representative Peter Roskam advocated nuking Bolingbrook. He called for this in response to the recent uprising at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook:

“Nuke it from orbit,” said Roskam in front of his audience at Hub 35 UFO Base in Rochelle, IL.  “It’s the only way to be sure.”  He added that he saw the movie, The Thing.  “When dealing with aliens, you have to be absolutely sure that you kill every one of them: Otherwise you end up with bad sequels.”

The audience, consisting of constituents who work either off-world or at UFO bases, gasped.

Sean Casten, Roskam’s Democratic opponent, dropped his jaw.  After a few seconds of silence, he attacked Roskam:  “You just seriously advocated for detonating a nuclear device in the middle of Chicagoland?”

“This is Sean being an extremist,” interrupted Roskam. “Sean is saying we shouldn’t use any nuclear weapons, and let our world be overrun by aliens.  Now I’m sure some of my colleagues would argue for using a hydrogen bomb to destroy all of Chicago.  Both sides are wrong.  We should take the moderate position of using a small device and checking the wind patterns before setting it off.  That will ensure that no real resident of the Illinois Sixth Congressional District is harmed.  We need sensible solutions, and I’m the only candidate in this race that will provide them.”

“People will still be killed, and the fallout will leave many areas uninhabitable for generations.  You’re in the middle of something,  but I don’t think it’s the middle of the Overton Window.”

“Lighten up,” replied Roskam.  “This is a science fiction convention.  Everyone here knows that the best part of a science fiction film is when the hero creatively uses explosives to solve a problem. Also, as a Congressman, you don’t think about other districts.  You only think about the interests of the ideal voter in your district.”

Casten then accused Roskam of having a  “deliberate ignorance” about the existence of UFOs, and of current federal interstellar policy:  “Peter, you know that as a member of Congress, you can attend the weekly UFO briefing.  Yet you have never attended any briefings.”

“What briefings?”

“They occur during the meeting of the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending.”

“I can’t make those meetings.  That’s when I spend quality time alone with my maps.”

During the closing arguments, Casten stated that he didn’t agree with the takeover of Clow UFO Base, but did agree with the protesters that the US needs to change its immigration policies.  “I have a seven-point plan to reform immigration, and I will vote for the DREAM Act because the DACA recipients in our district are hard working and deserve a path to citizenship.”

Roskam then made science fiction, and fantasy comments during his closing statement:  “Like Jedi Spock Frodo said, ‘I am the last best hope for peace with Panem.’  The real residents know that I will bring Soylent Green to our district.  A congressman has a name, and it is Peter Roskam!” He then laughed.

Joel, a resident of this district who works on Venus, said he was still undecided: “On the one hand, Peter Roskam removed SALT— which means I can’t deduct the taxes I paid on Venus-which may mean I can’t afford to work off-world.  Do you know how expensive air conditioning is on Venus?  On the other hand, Sean did say that Peter shouldn’t be our congressman, which is kind of uncivil.  It’s a hard choice to make.  Sean is a scientist, a businessperson, and a former Clow employee.  Peter is Peter.  What can I say?”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement after the debate: “Bolingbrook is in no danger because the Bolingbrook First party donated $1000 to Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign.  He’s just saying what he needs to say to get elected.  We’re sure that once he is reelected, he will vote the way his donors want him to vote.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian bots attack Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Aliens release immigrant children from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook United says it will only run human candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/18

Web Exclusive: Space Force defeated by Bolingbrook’s fireworks (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.

Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash:  “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom.  Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky.  I thought maybe a firework hit a drone.  Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”

Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard:  “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day.  My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual.  I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater.  At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side.  It was one of ours.”

According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base.  The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.

“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.

Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump.  After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook.  He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.

“This is the number 50,” said Claar.

“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.

“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”

“They’re killers.  All of them.”

Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.

“This is the number zero.”

“I like paying zero taxes.”

“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”

“I sent you over a thousand!  What happened to them?”

“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display.  Why?  We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”

“My generals said, ‘Sir!  We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”

“I don’t care!  Just send more troops.  Your mistake set my plans back a month!”

“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me.  I don’t make mistakes.  I’m smart.  Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”

“Yes.  I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes… Sir!”

“That’s better.  Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser.  Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”

The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.

The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.

Space aliens capture Clow UFO Base and demand fair treatment for immigrants (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced that it had evacuated all humans from Clow UFO Base.  The move follows a week of protests by aliens against US Immigration policy, some of which became violent.

“As a precautionary measure, we have closed Clow UFO Base and sealed the access points,” said spokesperson Joan Armstrong.  “Clow Airport is still open. There is no danger at this time to the residents of Bolingbrook.  Though some aliens are stealing supplies from the airport.”

Armstrong added that residents should prepare themselves for the possible declaration of a “state of minor annoyance,” but did not state what that would involve.

“If we told you, then you would tell everyone, including the foes of Bolingbrook.  We need to keep the foes of Bolingbrook off-guard.  We ask the residents to trust that (Mayor Roger Claar) will act in the best interest of the real residents of Bolingbrook.”

The Coalition for the Respectful Treatment of Sentient Beings, which claims to represent the protesters, released a statement claiming that they had full control of Clow UFO Base:  “This weekend, we stand in solidarity with the thousands of human protesters fighting for immigrant rights.  We, too, oppose the forced separation of families, and indefinite family detention.  Human leaders say they want to someday immigrate to our planets.  Our reply is simple.  Don’t immigrate to our worlds until you fix your immigration policies first.”

Claar refused to give an interview, but the Department of Interstellar Affairs did release the following statement from him:  “Invaders have disrupted operations at Clow UFO Base.  Even though the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Illuminati partially own Clow, it is ultimately my base!  I have nothing to do with US immigration policy or immigration policy in Hungary, Denmark or Italy. These are not innocent protesters.  These are operatives working under the direction of the New World Order, hostile interstellar powers, and the Bolingbrook United Party.  They will be defeated, and the Illuminati will help me to retake Clow.  All foes must show me complete civility by next week, or be destroyed! Ford!”

Armstrong also blamed Representative Bill Foster for the situation at Clow UFO Base:  “Representative Foster’s irresponsible statements regarding immigration have inspired the criminals responsible for the disruption of operations. We need more Congressmen likeRepresentativee Peter Roskam who will keep the government out of interstellar affairs.  His willful ignorance of the existence of aliens is refreshing, and we hope will inspire real Americans to build a Red Seawall to stop the Blue Wave!”

A spokesperson for Foster laughed before ending the call.

In a video chat, an intern for the Roskam campaign denied that the Congressman was willfully ignorant of aliens:  “Peter wants solutions to real problems.  Space aliens aren’t a real problem for the residents of the Sixth District.  In fact, Peter is about to talk to the third constituent he’s met during this campaign.  This is history!”

The camera then focused on Roskam knocking on a door.  A young woman opened the door.

“Hello,” said Roskam.  “I am Representative Peter Roskam, and I am running for re-election.  I love maps, and this map says you live in a Bernie Sanders Household.  Like Bernie, I don’t like the Clinton-controlled Democrat Party.  I too want to replace Obamacare.  Sean Casten supports Obamacare.  Don’t you think this means he’s a secret Crooked Hillary supporter?”

The woman turned her head inside and yelled, “Guess who finally showed up?”

Another woman walked up to the doorway.  “Peter,” she cried.  “You finally came!”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Amanda Howland.  I ran against you in 2016.  Now that you’re here, we can finally have our debate!”

Roskam ran away and pulled out his cell phone.  Howland ran after him.

“You’re not getting out of our debate this time!”

Also in the Babbler:

Local super-villans celebrate the closure of Villains and Heroes Academy
Mayor Claar promises not to ban Internet comments about the board meetings
Sean Casten meets with paranormal believers in Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/6/18