Clow UFO Base takes in Australian evacuees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Hundreds of aliens fleeing Australia’s record brush fires arrived at Clow UFO Base over the weekend. 

According to a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “Clow is open to all visitors temporarily displaced by these fires. We ask that you respect the wishes of the Trump Administration and do not seek permanent residency within the United States— unless you can pass as a human from Scandinavia.”

Many UFOs arriving from Australia were damaged by fire or by lightning strikes.  Some were radioactive due to the destruction of Croc 7 UFO Base.

“Have you ever tried outrunning a nuclear shockwave while an airlock is closing in front of your craft?” asked Zeogost, who did not identify her home planet.  “I have, and believe me, it’s nothing like your movies describe it to be.”

Pasgoos, a biologist from Alpha Centauri, cried as he talked to this reporter:  “We tried to save some of the creatures, but the fires moved too fast.  I can’t believe that half-billion animals died.  Those flames are horrible.  I imagine the great burning of Mars was similar to what is happening now.”

Commander Quazoot, from Barnard’s Star, crash-landed her ship at Clow UFO Base.  Her crew survived the landing, but it will take weeks to repair her craft. She said:

“I thought it would be safe to fly into a pyrocumulonimbus storm.  First, the lightning strikes took out my shields.  Then the fire tornados damaged the hull.  Half my crew evaporated from the heat.  What are you humans doing to your planet?”

While Clow officials say hosting the evacuees is “relatively without problems,” some anonymous sources disagree.  Some of them claim that Space Force Marines stationed at Clow tried to build cages to “house alien detainees.”  Mayor Roger Claar, according to the sources, argued with the marines and was told only President Donald Trump could order them to stop.

When Claar called Trump, Trump allegedly said, “I need you to do us a favor.”

“Us?”

“My family, but mostly me.  That’s not the point.  The point is I need you to ask the Andromeda Galaxy to investigate the Biden family.  They’ll listen to you.”

“I don’t think—”  

“Don’t think.  Do.  That’s my motto in life.”

The sources say Claar transmitted the message while Trump watched.  Trump then ordered the marines to dismantle their cages “for now.”  After Trump signed off, Claar said he sent the message to Andromeda by radio instead of FTL communication.  The message, he said, should arrive in about two million years.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was already a line of people waiting to speak to him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Gordon Kinzler, Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District said: “I don’t know if I can beat (Jeanne Ives).  Her campaign just-released poll numbers—”

A woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, covert social media operative, laughed:  “Those aren’t real polls.  Those are push polls.  Barber’s Corner Media did one on your behalf.  Take a look.”

“Wow.  According to your poll, I’m beating Ives by 10 points.  How did you do that?”

“We used loaded questions to emphasize your masculinity and imply that liberals would be triggered if a man beat Judy.  In an election, of course.”

“Oh.”

“If you hire us, we will reach enough Republican households to make a difference.  We can also run a poll implying that Ives wants to enact a radical feminist agenda and has ties to academia.”

“Feminist?”

“We’ll just leave out the trans exclusive part.”

“I don’t know.  My campaign is based on me being an honest guy.”

“Let me put it to you this way:  Do you want to be fighting liberals in Congress, or do you want to be known as the guy who couldn’t beat Michael Madigan’s favorite Republican?”

Also in the Babbler:

Iran will not deny plans to target the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Sen. Booker to hold victory rally at Palatine’s UFO Base
Claar rejects building permits for Apollo temple
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/9/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives to sponsor ‘Casten you to Hell’ house (Fiction)

Republican Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives will run a “Hell House” this month focused on Representative Sean Casten.

A picture of Rep. Sean Casten pointing towards the Gates of Hell.

Will the Ives campaign run a Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house?

“Sean Casten scares us,” said Beth, a member of Ives’s campaign staff. “We think the voters in the Sixth Congressional District should be scared of the evil they unleashed upon Congress!”

Similar to the Hell House proposed by Representative Peter Roskam’s 2018 campaign, it will depict Casten as a “Socialist CEO Demon” working for succubus House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.The Hell House will open the week after before Halloween at a yet to be disclosed location in Wheaton.

Blake, a former Roskam operative who now works for Ives, has high hopes for this Hell House:

“If we had run this Hell House, Peter would still be in office. They weren’t scared enough of Sean, and that’s why Peter lost. Since Jeanne isn’t burdened with the “moderate” label, we’ll have more creative freedom with this house.”

Blake also added, “This time, I’m going to dress up as (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan). Peter vetoed that idea last time. Jeanne is all on board! We can’t scare people enough!”

Blake also says the Hell House will include:

  • Casten campaign volunteers “impeaching” residents for supporting President Donald Trump.
  • Republicans being crushed by a giant carbon foot.
  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez torturing residents into signing the Green New Deal.
  • Casten performing with a demon rock band.
  • Rep. Ilhan Omar forcing Christians to convert to Islam.
  • IL06 Republican candidate Jay Kinzler kneeling before an angelic Ives.

Beth denied that the Hell House would contribute to Ives’ reputation as an extreme conservative:

“The only thing that happens in the middle of the road is you get run over.We’re not going to win this by appeasing Democrats. We’re going to win this by moving the Overton Window so far to the right that the only acceptable viewpoints are between only voting for Trump and willing to start a civil war for Trump. When that happens, Sean will be seen as an extremist, and Ives will be seen as a reasonable God-loving American!”

A member of Casten’s campaign laughed at the idea of a Casten themed Hell House:The Republicans can call Sean names all they want. The residents of the Sixth District know the real Sean Casten because he campaigns in the district, holds Town Halls, and is very accessible. Unlike a certain former congressman—”

A woman then said: “You’re not talking to that weird suburban tabloid, are you?”

“Um, Thanks for reminding me that I need to get some petitions signed!”

A receptionist for the Ives campaign said she was meeting with representatives from the Illinois Policy Institute and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Ives, said: “I will use my power as a Congresswoman to force Illinois into bankruptcy.”

“Yes!” yelled a man.

“Then I will split up Illinois among its neighboring states.”

“Oh yes!”

“I will then force Canada to take Chicago. The US will be rid of that corrupt city forever!”

The man moaned. “Oh Jeanne. You give good policy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will County to increase UFO landing fees
Alien charged with robbing Bolingbrook Home Depot
Palatine UFO Base reports heavy traffic during the High Holidays
Trump considering ordering Mayor Claar to close Clow UFO Base

This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)

The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

Ventura, who is running in the Democratic Primary against incumbent Rep. Bill Foster, ran on stage and grinned.  “Wow!” she said.  “An audience of more than 8 people!  There’s hope for my campaign!  Thank you!  Thank you for your endorsement!”

She then talked about why she was running for Congress after being elected to Will County Board just last November: “For years, (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) told me to trust the New World Order and their plan to save the environment.  Then Bernie Sanders called.  He said the New World Order could not be reformed and asked if I would join Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and him to lead an Illuminati takeover of the US Government.  When he said he needed my help to get the Green New Deal passed through Congress, I accepted.”

Ventura blamed the NWO for the current “climate crisis,” and accused Foster of being an NWO puppet.  She said humanity’s only hope for survival depended on the destruction of the current geopolitical order.  She also said that she wasn’t afraid of creating global chaos:  “I’m a single mother of twins.  I live with chaos, and we get along just fine.”

She ended her speech by saying: “Let me conclude with these words inspired by one of my generation’s greatest speakers, Taylor Swift: My Congressman is such a clueless man that he can’t give a damn about our great green plan.  So let’s shake him!  Shake him!  Shake him off!  Look what you made me do, Bill!”  

Ives then took the stage and saluted the crowd of Illuminati dignitaries: “Jeanne Ives, reporting for duty!”

 She then ripped into her primary opponent, former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti: “She’s an empty suit who stood by while (Governor Bruce Rauner) watered down the Republican brand.  Some people say she applied for a job within Democrat Party Governor Pat Quinn administration.  She may live in Wheaton, but she doesn’t live Wheaton values!”

Ives said that she was going to embrace the modern Republican Party’s image and not pretend to be a “mushy moderate.”  She said the themes of her controversial TV ad during her 2018 campaign for Governor would be the themes of her campaign:

“Fear of trans people is the key to uniting the Left and the Right against gay people weaseling their way into acceptability! Even godless people share my feelings.  As a Congresswoman, I’ll do everything I can to bring down the gay agenda one letter at a time.”

Ives also promised to be a “proud, refined and TV-friendly voice for Trumpism.”

If she wins the Republican nomination, she said her plan to “trigger” Rep. Sean Casten would propel her to victory:

“In the middle of the debate, I’m going to make two ‘Okay’ signs. He’ll accuse me of flashing a racist symbol. I’ll pretend that it was an innocent gesture.  He’ll go into some long explanation that will bore the low information voters right into my campaign and drive me to victory!  Then the Illuminati will take all three branches of government.  Fnord!”

When asked about her alleged ties to DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford, she replied, “I wish her luck as the next Governor of Illinois.”

A spokesperson for Benford said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a man said, “Um, you need to provide a reason why we should disbar someone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “Why should I have to give you a reason?”

“Because those are the rules.”

“Fine.”

A few seconds later, the man replied, “‘Because he’s (Name Redacted)?’  Are you serious?”

“You just attacked all residents of Bolingbrook!  The lie:  Are you serious?  The truth: I am a member of the Rotary Club of Bolingbrook.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives the weekend heatwave
Weredogs file complaint against a dog daycare facility
Claar denies he will replace Village Attorney James Boan with an alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/24/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Trustee Watts prayer duel with former Lt. Governor Sanguinetti ends in a draw (Fiction)

What started as a vigil calling for “divine intervention” against illegal space aliens turned into a “prayer duel” between Trustee Sheldon Watts and Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti sitting at a desk covered with papers.

File photo of former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

“Jesus loves me!” said Watts, near the end of the duel.

“But you don’t love Him,” replied Sanguinetti.  “Renounce Satan and his illegal space aliens and save your soul.”

The incident started when five male “prayer warriors” gathered in front of the Bolingbrook Oberweis.  Their leader, who only identified himself as Sam, accused the store of harboring illegal space aliens: “The fake news tells us there are no space aliens here.”  He then held up an issue of the Bolingbrook Babbler with a feature story on illegal space aliens.  “We know better, and we also know that aliens are really demons.”

After five minutes of prayer, Sanguinetti, who is the current Republican candidate for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District arrived.,  She posed for several pictures with the prayer warriors, then delivered a short speech.

“Congressman Sean Casten is a former employee of Plow UFO Base,” she said.  

Casten actually worked at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“I don’t know about you, but don’t you wonder if at some point, he was replaced by an alien, or if he was always an alien?”

Watts arrived in the middle of her speech and interrupted:  “Excuse me.  I think there’s been a little misunderstanding here.  The owner of this franchise is a good person, and I assure you that there are no space aliens here.  Now, let’s pray together for—”

“Lies!” countered Sanguinetti.  “God told me there are aliens here, just like He told me not to budget the state’s money.”

Watts smiled and said, “Why are you here?  We aren’t in the Sixth District.”

“Yes, which means I won’t risk killing any of my voters when I call down the wrath of God upon this wicked village.”

Sanguinetti then held up her hands and started praying.

Sheldon responded: “Well, God told me that Clow Airport is good and not to believe everything the Babbler prints.  I will show you the true power of God by calling down a lightning bolt next to you!”  He then started his own prayer.

After 30 minutes, God did not destroy Bolingbrook, nor did lightening within a mile of Sanguinetti.  A Bolingbrook police officer asked the prayer warriors to leave and they agreed to.

Sheldon claimed victory: “I think God didn’t want to scare Evelyn to death with His awesome power.  Sometimes it’s best when God doesn’t answer your prayers.  Praise Jesus.”

Sanguinetti just replied with a statement:  “God will strike down the wicked in His time.  I live in Wheaton.  I am not a socialist.  I am not an atheist scientist.  Don’t let the Democratic Party keep their stolen seat.  We must come together under one party, one nation, and one God! God bless the Illinois Sixth Congressional District!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m getting back at (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) for speaking at my meeting by taking away her school board trustee.  How are we going to spin this?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “We’ll announce that we noticed that (Valley View School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson) was accidentally put into office by a simple math error. So we, as helpful Bolingbrook residents, are going to fix the error with our own lawyers.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Then Igor and I will have our sock puppets JAQ-off—”

“What?” asked Claar.

“Oh just ask a bunch of inappropriate questions about (Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry).  Then our Bolingbrook United sock puppets will demand that every vote be recounted, even it bankrupts both Bolingbrook and Will County.”

Carpanzano said: “That’s when I’ll say the error only happened in the precincts that favor our party.  So we don’t need to waste money recounting every vote.  That will make the First Party for Bolingbrook seem moderate and fiscally responsible.”

“Then our selective recount will remove Dr. Sandra Carlson from the school board and replace her with one of our candidates.  Once we regain full control of the school board, we’ll be able to implement our “Democracy is Dumb” curriculum.   Igor says he’ll have the textbooks translated into English from Russian by the end of the week.”

“I like it,” said Claar.  “Great job Yin and Yang!”

Also in the Babbler:

Zombies spotted in Romeoville
Sentient algae found in Bolingbrook swimming pool
Claar asks Russia to bring summer back to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.