Village of Bolingbrook pulls off remote concert for the ‘doomsday crew’ of Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The 2020 holiday season began with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base closed due to the pandemic, and its “doomsday crew” quarantining on the moon.  With support from the Interstellar Commonwealth, the Village still managed to hold its annual holiday concert, despite some on-stage drama, and technical difficulties.

Donna K. Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said: “Thanks to the Interstellar Commonwealth, we were able to lift the morale of our Doomsday Crew and provide the illusion of normalcy. Sure, we had some unexpected and unwelcome hologram-bombers, but overall, we proved Bolingbrook’s exceptionalism to the galaxy!”

For the first time, the concert was broadcast live across the galaxy. Under the direction of the Interstellar Commonwealth, it was also an interstellar fundraiser for Bolingbrook. Hosted by Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, the concert featured live performances by alien musicians, hologram performances by human performers, speeches, and videos.

“A portion of every credit donated will go towards supporting our fine crew here tonight,” said Jaskiewicz. “The rest will be donated to the Clow UFO Base relief fund to help the families of furloughed employees. In case you’re wondering, the Mayor and trustees will not receive a single credit from this fund.”

“Which is too bad,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano by Holo-Zoom. “I wanted to use that money to promote myself—I mean the fine businesses suffering under this pandemic.”

The concert started with DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford announcing that she was running the Holo-Zoom connection:

“I want to thank the Village for recognizing my cybersecurity expertise.”

After the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir performance, Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta delivered a short speech urging aliens to donate:

“COVID-19 and the Governor’s restrictions are hurting our local businesses. Some restaurants are so desperate that they’re willing to risk their customers’ lives so they can offer indoor dining. This is despite being in the middle of an airborne pandemic! If I impose fines, the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce will call me the mean mom of Bolingbrook. Each credit you donate will allow Clow’s employees to shop locally, and to let me keep my reputation as Bolingbrook’s number one fun mom!”

Alexander-Basta then announced that she had secured enough doses of the Venus COVID-19 vaccine to inoculate every employee. Despite needing to be stored at 820 F and at an atmospheric pressure 75 times greater than Earth’s, she expected all of Clow’s employees to be vaccinated by the end of January and to reopen Clow shortly afterward.“Happy holidays from the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Illuminati. Fnord!”

A hologram of Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member and Bolingbrook United’s candidate for Mayor, then appeared next to Alexander-Basta:

“Actually, I helped negotiate this agreement in my role as a representative of the New World Order. Thanks to our efforts, All of Chicagoland’s UFO bases should be reopened by February. The breakthrough came when Peotone UFO Base agreed to trade its phosphine stock in exchange for the vaccine. I guess Venus has a major insect infection in its upper atmosphere.”

Alexander-Basta threatened to arrest Traynere if she didn’t log off. Traynere replied: “Looks like I have to go, but I hope you’ll remember that I’m running to be Mayor of Bolingbrook, not act like one.”

Former Mayor Roger Claar also addressed the audience. He announced that he was the spokesperson for Yugost Brewery, located on Europa. He said that a portion of the sales of their newest rum would be donated to the relief fund. He also debuted his first video commercial for the company. It went like this :

“As many of you know, I’m a fan of rum and cola. It’s hard to find the right rum to mix in, even on Earth. When I heard that Yugost was releasing a new rum to commemorate Jupiter and Saturn’s conjunction, I was skeptical.” Claar then pulled out a bottle that resembled the recent monoliths appearing on Earth, and stated: “Monolith Rum is the first rum from Europa that’s safe for human consumption.” Claar next started pouring rum into a glass of cola: “If you want to experience the next evolutionary milestone of rum, then ask for Monolith Rum.” Claar took a sip of his drink: “Wow! Just one sip and you’ll feel like a star child too!”

As musicians from around the galaxy performed, unauthorized holograms appeared on stage. A notable crasher included Al Franken, former US Senator and host of The Al Franken Show:

“It’s me! Al Franken! I’m taking my comeback tour to the stars next year. But let me say happy Hanukkah! Who wants to spin the dreidel with me? Acting Mayor—”

“I’m the Mayor! You’d better log off before I order the Men in Blue to cancel you so hard that no one will take you seriously!”

“You’re almost as funny as me: Al Franken.”

One of the most emotional moments of the concert seemed unremarkable at first. Jaskiewicz announced a mystery singer was going to perform and challenged the audience to guess the singer’s identity. When the singer walked on, Carpanzano said he wasn’t fooled by the headscarf and recognized her as Sinead O’Connor.

“Maybe,” Jaskiewicz replied.

“You’re dishonest! It’s obviously Sinead. I’ll carp you after the concert!”

“I’ve lost track of how many times you’ve carped me offline.”

O’Connor and her band first performed “Silent Night.” After receiving a standing ovation for her singing, O’Connor then sang “The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance.” Near the end of the song, her background singers’ holograms morphed into images of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver and DuPage Township Ken Burgess. O’Connor then held up a photo of Benford. O’Connor’s hologram changed to resemble DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George. George then ripped up the picture.

“That’s for kicking me off the Republican slate!” He said.

A hologram of the previous supervisor’s wife appeared and flipped off Benford before vanishing.

A hologram of Bonnie Kurowski, the leader of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, appeared and pointed at Benford:

“You got censored by the board!”

“I was censured, not censored!” Benford then frantically touched buttons on her touchpad. “After I figure out how to disconnect you, I will get my revenge by sweeping the township election in April. Then I will be supervisor!”

“The Edgar County Watchdogs can’t save you now. Or should I say watchdog?”

“Who cares,” added Republican Township candidate Antonio Timothee. “Bonnie, I’m going to flame you so hard that your ashes will be burned to ashes!”

After the show, many “doomsday crew” members said they enjoyed the concert and the support they received from around the galaxy.

An employee who asked not to be identified, said: “The outside world has changed so much. Handshakes are obsolete. Most of the restaurants are gone. Being a Republican now means selfishly risking others’ lives so you can sit in a bar. Being a Democrat now means taking personal responsibility for the well-being of others. It’s such a different world out there. But when I watched our politicians argue with each other, I realized that some things haven’t changed. Somehow, I find that to be reassuring.”

Also in the Babbler:

Hanukkah Harry tests negative for COVID-19
Village of Bolingbrook issues new permit for Santa to enter homes
Humanists insist that ‘Human Light’ isn’t a celebration of spontaneous human combustion
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook rejects atheist interactive hologram holiday display (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook rejected the Church of Christopher Hitchens’ display of interactive holograms of atheist leaders to the International Festival of Lights :

“While we recognize that atheists are part of Bolingbrook’s diversity,” said a source with ties to the Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission,  “Their display was in poor taste.  To paraphrase a former village manager, atheists are already represented by the empty space around the village hall.  Adding their offensive display would mean that atheists would be overrepresented.”

David X. Silverton, leader of Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens, strongly disagreed with the decision: “We tried to be sensitive to their feelings.  We didn’t make a hologram of Hitch.  May his words slap the stupid.  This was an opportunity to give residents a much-needed dose of science and reason.  The commission caved into superstition and Trumpism!”

According to various sources, the display rotated interactive holograms of well-known atheist leaders.  It was similar to the display at the Illinois Holocaust Museum where onlookers are able to ask each of the holograms questions. However, some sources claimed that a few holograms actively heckled bystanders.

Mary, who did not want her real name published, described her experience with the Dan Barker hologram:  “We got off to a bad start when it said, ‘Happy Solstice!’ I said it was Christmas and he should get into the spirit of the season.  He laughed, and played this horrible song!  I won’t pray for his soul!  Especially after I left and he yelled, ‘Happy War on Christmas!’”

Steve Z. Gilmore claims he interacted with a hologram of PZ Myers: “I asked if he was going to swallow a package of communion wafers. He said he made his point years ago, and he’s no longer a member of the New Atheists.  Then he said he was just going to show off his new friend, Heidi.  Heidi turned out to be a spider!  I hate spiders.  I screamed and ran away.  PZ yelled, ‘Heidi, the holiday spider, only bites people who don’t wear masks!’”

Lisa, who asked that we not use her real name, found the Taslima Nasreen hologram offensive:  “She said that the Coronavirus was proof there is no God.  I told her I was Muslim and deeply offended.  She said she was offended that I was offended.  I started to educate her on Islam, but you won’t believe what she said.  She said that since she faced death threats, and is banned from Bangladesh and West Bengal, she wasn’t afraid of me boring her.  God is great, and she isn’t!”

 Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment. Her receptionist added:

“If this church is real, we might be tempted to fine them if they’re holding indoor services.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “You summoned me, Acting Mayor Mary?”

“That’s Mayor Mary,” replied a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Not until you’re elected,”

“We’ll deal with that later.  I want to talk to you about your proposed advisory questions.”

“You’re welcome.  I’m glad I was able to fulfill my contractual obligation to the First Party by giving you 20 years worth of advisory questions.  That should keep garbage toters off the ballot until at least 2041.”

“But some of these questions are outrageous!  Your ‘Fund the Police’ question not only bans cuts to the Bolingbrook Police Department, it requires the village to increase the department’s funding every year.  That means the police budget would bankrupt the village in five years.”

“Don’t worry about that Acting Mayor—”

“Mayor!”

“Whatever.  You don’t really think the point of these questions is to seek to advise from the voters, do you?  These questions are designed to motivate your supporters to go to the polls.  Think about it: Do you really think Republicans put advisory questions on the ballot about splitting Chicago from Illinois because they want to turn Illinois into Mississippi North?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  In fact, I think you screwed up when you added the cannabis question to the ballot.  That’s going to motivate more of Bolingbrook United’s supporters to go to the polls.”

“Please.  This is why I’m so glad you’re no longer working for us.  You might be full of yourself now, but you’re in for a rude awakening when The First Party sweeps the election, and shames (Trustee Sheldon Watts) into resigning.”

“No, You’ll be in for a rude awakening, when Bolingbrook Independent Voices sweeps the election.  You’ll end up covered in eagle droppings, and finishing in third place behind Jackie Traynere!”

“Get out before I put you in a time out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland UFO Bases take an extended holiday as COVID-19 devours Illinois
Zombie turkey ruins Bolingbrook family’s Thanksgiving
Interstellar diplomat claims COVID-19 originated in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta gives her first Babbler interview! (Mixed)

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

Out of character:  Back in October, I emailed a list of questions to Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.  I just received her reply today, and I appreciate that she took the time out of her busy schedule to answer my Babbler style questions.

When Mayor Roger Claar stepped down after 34 years in office, Trustee Mary Alexander-Basta, to the surprise of some residents, stepped up to become the acting mayor of Bolingbrook.  

The Babbler, after many calls, psychic interventions, and possible aid from an alien ambassador, finally managed to get an email interview with her.  Though it turned out to be a short interview, she did announce a major shift in the Village’s diplomatic stance towards the Martian Colonies.

The following are her replies to our questions:

Why did you volunteer to become the acting mayor?

When Roger retired state statutes require that his replacement come from the sitting board. I was voted in unanimously by the Trustees. 

In an interview with The American University in Cairo, you stated that your goals were to “maintain what was built by Mayor Roger C. Claar” and “to keep Bolingbrook a place to grow, a place where individuals or families of any size, age and nationality are able to call it home.”  Since serving as the acting mayor, have your goals changed or have you added new goals?

As Mayor those continue to be my goals. Additionally my goal is to provide more transparency, more discussion to unite residents on issues facing our community, and continued careful planning. I also plan to work with other area Mayors as well as continue to work with the Heritage Corridor and the DuPage Convention & Visitors Bureau to promote Bolingbrook 

What have been your greatest challenges during your term as mayor?

My greatest challenges have been to find creative ways to help our restaurants, hotels and small businesses survive during these unprecedented times.

What have been your greatest successes?

My successes include settling the Fire contract, getting a tree trimming project approved for the first time over 4000 trees in our village will be trimmed. Hiring a Police Chief, Hiring a Fire Chief. With the assistance of the Village’s CIO (Chief Information Officer) we continue to introduce new technology to make it easier for residents and businesses to interact with the village, report issues and monitor the status of the results. Additionally we provide more info on what is happening in the village by way of Social Media, Bolingbrook App, Brook Alerts, BCTV channel 6 & Village Website.

Will you run for mayor in the 2021 election?

Yes I announced my candidacy on Monday, November 9, 2020

Will the crew of Clow UFO Base still host the annual holiday concert, even though the base is locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic?

Just like all other community events, things will have to look a little different this year. Fortunately, the technology required to communicate in space is advanced enough to bring the concert directly to our living rooms through virtual, interactive experience.

How will you maintain peace between the wereskunks and the weredogs?

We have been in communication with the weresquirrels, and they have agreed to maintain an open line of communications with the animal space world should anything arise.

As you are aware, a secret tunnel now connects Hidden Lakes with Lake Whalon. This tunnel allows the Hidden Lakes Monster to swim in Lake Whalon.  Some people say the monster is depleting Lake Whalon’s fish population.  Do you agree the fish are depleted, and should the Hidden Lakes Monster still have access to Lake Whalon?

It’s actually a common misconception that the Hidden Lakes Monster feeds on fish. He is actually a vegetarian. He has been crossing the tunnel as they have formed an alliance against other predators. However, that passage will be monitored more closely now due to social distancing guidelines.

As many residents know, the Martian Colonial Marines have a cloaked outpost on the former site of Old Chicago.  They want to establish a permanent base and disguise it as an Amazon Warehouse.  Former Mayor Roger Claar threatened to sue the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court if they didn’t withdraw from Bolingbrook.  Will you follow through on that threat?

It’s important to remember that Bolingbrook is a diverse community that welcomes all. As long as they maintain peace and contribute to our community in a positive manner we will have no issues.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: ‘Doomsday Crew’ evacuates Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In another blow to Bolingbrook’s economy, Clow UFO Base’s “Doomsday Crew” will close the base this week and relocate to the moon.

The crew released a statement stating:  “It is not safe to keep Clow UFO Base open in any capacity.  The 19.8% positivity rate in our COVID region is too high, and although we are glad the courts dismissed lawsuits challenging the Governor’s mitigation orders, it is not enough.  With Dr. Scott Atlas’ recent threats to Michigan and the President determined to infect this country, we believe the pro-virus forces are too strong to keep out.  To protect the safety of the solar system and the galaxy, we must evacuate.”

According to Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the Interstellar Commonwealth will transport the crew to a quarantine camp on the moon.  The Commonwealth hopes the crew will be able to return to Bolingbrook by Valentine’s Day.  

“If humanity can’t get this pandemic under control,” said an anonymous employee at the department, “then our crew members have the option of relocating to zoos across the galaxy.  They could be used as part of a breeding program to save humanity.  Hey.  They knew this could happen when they volunteered.”

In addition to evacuating the crew, any alien visitors must also leave the Bolingbrook area by the end of the week.  

“This stinks,” says Xoblock, an anthropologist from Ross 128b.  “My university spent a fortune so I could personally observe how Bolingbrook residents deal with a pandemic.  I guess I’ll have to watch them from orbit, but it won’t be the same.”

In a televised announcement, Bolingbrook Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz urged residents to wear masks and to follow COVID-19  mitigation measures:  “Stay at home if you can, and wear a mask and social distance if you can’t.  Order lots of takeout meals.  The sooner we can get this virus under control, the sooner we can reopen (Clow UFO Base.)”

Trustee Sheldon Watts released a statement regretting the crew’s departure:  “God has given us the science to find a vaccine, and the strength to do what must be done to both reopen Clow, and to rebuild Bolingbrook.  Don’t be a tool of Satan.  Wear a mask to save lives and save our UFO Base.”

According to sources, the Interstellar Commonwealth will decide on issuing a “No landing” order for all of North America by Friday.  If enacted, all UFO bases in the United States and Canada would be forced to temporarily close until the start of the Biden administration.

Clow Airport will remain open.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Editorial: Will Bolingbrook’s government survive the 2021 election with three parties competing? (Fiction)

File photo of Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander Basta (From the Village of Bolingbrook.) She is running for election on the First Party for Bolingbrook slate.

by Dale Onofrey
Columnist

Since the mid-1980s, most of Bolingbrook’s elections had only one political party on the ballot.  Barring any legal actions, Bolingbrook’s 2021 voters will have a choice of three political parties, and each one will run a full slate of candidates for the village board.

Voters will choose from:

  • First Party for Bolingbrook: The ruling political party, with Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta at the top of their slate in her quest to become an elected mayor.
  • Bolingbrook United: At three years old, it’s Bolingbrook’s oldest opposition party.  Jackie Traynere, who will be stepping down as a Will County Board Member, nearly defeated Mayor Roger Claar in 2017.  Will 2021 be her year?
  • Bolingbrook Independent Voices: The new political party lead by Trustee Sheldon Watts, a former member of the First Party for Bolingbrook.

Now I’ll be honest, I think it will be a rough campaign.  There will be arguments over whether the charge residents pay for garbage removal should be called a “Garbage Tax” or a “Garbage Fee.”  There will be accusations of one party being under the control of “Roger’s political machine,” “Cook County Democrats,” or “questionable Chicago businessmen.”  I expect the First Party to claim the mantle of positivity while launching passive-aggressive attacks against their opponents.  Bolingbrook United, as in the past, will call for reforms, and opponents will demand specifics that they won’t require from the other parties.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices, I suspect, will claim they have a unique path forward for Bolingbrook.  Their opponents might point out the contradiction of claiming to be independent while belonging to a political party at the same time.  

All of the parties will be flooding our mailboxes with postcards and literature.  Their online ads will find their way to our screens.  Some of the ads will be negative.  Some of them will make us mad.  And that’s before Russian, Chinese, Pakistani, Indian, and Iranian trolls pile on.  All the negativity might make it harder for residents of Bolingbrook to feel they will survive the 2021 election.

However, assuming we’re not in the middle of a civil war or dealing with the aftermath of a nuclear war, Bolingbrook should survive the 2021 election.  Bolingbrook has had multiparty elections and village boards in the past and survived.  For example, at one point in the late 1970s, the village board was divided between Mayor Bob Bailey’s party, Trustee Edward Rosenthal’s Bolingbrook Pride party, and independent Trustee Roger Claar.

After thirty years of one-party rule, it will be disorienting to go through an election with three viable political parties.  I suppose some residents will feel uncomfortable. They will long for the days when we could just leave all the decisions up to Mayor Claar and consider anyone who disagreed with him a troublemaker.  But the truth is that Roger’s vision for Bolingbrook wasn’t the only one.  It’s just that most of the dissenting voices were silenced by the one-party system. 

In 2021, more of those voices will be heard.  Yes, it could mean ugly campaigns, and the election of individuals or slates you might hate.  But that’s what having a democracy is about.  Democracy shouldn’t be an empty term used for patriotic signaling at village events.  It should mean that the residents have an opportunity to let their voices be heard.  Making that a reality means Bolingbrook will not just survive the next election, it will thrive afterward.

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Bolingbrook rejects buying an orbital mirror
Wereseagulls endorse Sheldon Watts for Mayor
Interstellar Commonwealth congratulates President-elect Joe Biden
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook defies Trump’s order to demolish Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

Despite an executive order from Donald Trump, the Village of Bolingbrook has chosen to spare Clow UFO base from destruction.

“We’re sorry the President lost,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “But our pity does not give Trump the authority to order the destruction of Clow UFO Base.”

According to Smith, normally a scuttle order can only be jointly issued by the Mayor, the Mayor Emeritus, and a representative of the Illuminati.  Since Clow is currently operating under the “Doomsday Operation Procedures”(DOP),  only the acting commander and a representative of the Interstellar Commonwealth can order the destruction of Clow.

Smith continued: “(Former Mayor Roger Claar) placing Clow under DOP is yet another example of his genius, and why residents should continue to listen to him.”

As reported by video recordings transmitted from Clow, Trump summoned the crew of Clow and the Village Board for a video meeting.  Trump announced that he had fired First Lady Melania Trump as the head of US UFO Base Operations.  Trump said he was very disappointed in Bolingbrook:

“I asked nicely, ‘Please move your Golf Club.’  Roger said no.  I asked again.  Whatshername said she would get back to me.  She never did.  Then your residents voted against me.  Yes, I’m mad, but I’m a reasonable person.  So your Golf Club can stay put, but your base has to go!”

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta left the room.  Trustee Sheldon Watts stood and denounced Trump:

“You tainted Roger’s legacy. COVID-19 is running rampant in Bolingbrook because of your incompetence!  Residents are unemployed because you won’t deal with the virus.  You’re trampling on democracy by refusing to concede.  Now you want to destroy Bolingbrook’s interstellar economy because you’re mad!  Well, I’m mad at you.  Mad at the Cook County Democrats, and mad at Roger!  On behalf of the independent voices of Bolingbrook, I’m saying no.  No to you, no to (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan), and no to (Will County Board member Jackie Traynere)!”

Alexander-Basta walked back in and said: “Nice speech Sheldon, but let’s hear from someone who matters.”

Co-Administrator Ken Teppel walked into the room and announced: “We’re not destroying Clow UFO Base because President-Elect Biden just overruled you.”

“Fake news! I won many states!  I declared myself the winner.”

“Maybe, but Joe outranks you in the Illuminati, so I’m listening to him.”

“Sleepy Joe is a member of the New World Order.”

“Yeah, but due to a big oversight, he’s also a member of the Illuminati, and it’s too late to remove him.  Plus, the Global Master Councilor likes the chaos opportunities a Biden Presidency can create.  So he’s staying put and we’re not destroying Clow.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Watts, said: “I just declared my candidacy for Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“I’m sorry,” said a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Sorry?”

“Once you’ve been ripped apart by Roger’s campaign fund, Roger’s political action committee, the Something First Something Bolingbrook Something Party, and Bolingbrook United, your reputation will be ruined.”

“Nonsense!  I will win by representing the independent voices of Bolingbrook!”

“Just because your new party has the word “Independent” in its name, doesn’t mean it’s independent.  In fact, I’m going to have so much fun pointing out that your biggest donor so far is a Cook County Democrat and a political ally of (Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.)”

“Willie Wilson doesn’t count as a Cook County Democrat!”

Also in the Babbler:

Trustee Watts survives Illuminati’s ‘Rite of the Phoenix’
Alien freezer accidentally dropped on Bolingbrook home
WeatherTech denies its working on a secret patriotic-themed PPE contest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Overtime! A Bolingbrook Babbler Special 2020 Election Report (Fiction)

Representative Bill Foster

Rep. Bill Foster, a member of the New World Order, easily defeated his Illuminati opponent in the 2020 election.

From Reporter X:  While the local mainstream is focused on the results of the 2020 Election, here are the stories they missed:

1. Space Force leaves Bolingbrook to ‘stand up and fight back’ for Trump

Overnight, Space Force troops destroyed their base in Bolingbrook and texted the village managers that they were permanently leaving Bolingbrook.

“Space Force’s 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion is redeploying, as per President Trump’s new orders.  We will stand up and fight back against the enemies of our President.”

Donna K Smith, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said the village did not receive advance notice of the Space Force’s departure:

“After we received the text message from Space Force, our team of investigators found a hole in the ground and residents who were asking too many questions.  I’m happy to report that we filled the hole and fixed the memories of some residents.  Space Force can expect to receive our bill in the next week.  We hope they don’t force us to hire a collection agency.”

2. Fifteen arrested after ‘Oberweising’ McHenry County Clerk’s office

What was supposed to be a peaceful protest in support of Congressional Candidate Jim Oberweis, ended in a brawl and 15 arrests:

“We wanted to support them,” said a deputy who asked to remain anonymous.  “We all want Jim Oberweis to win against (Representative Lauren Underwood).  But they were so disruptive in the end, we had no choice.  But don’t worry.  We’re not going to charge any of them with attempted manslaughter for not wearing face masks.”

Initially, the protesters peacefully slurped drinks from a nearby Oberweis Dairy Store to express their displeasure at the close vote count between Underwood and Oberweis.  One protester described their action as “Oberweising” and hoped it would catch on among conservative activists.

The protest became violent when they couldn’t agree on a chant.  Some wanted to chant “stop the count” because Oberweis currently has the most votes.  Others wanted to chant “Count the Vote” because they feel Oberweis will get more votes as mail-in ballots arrive.

“We have to stop counting because the Cook County Democrats are flooding our district with fake ballots!” said one protester.

“Shut up Normie!” replied another protester.  “The Libtards are throwing away Republican votes.  We have to make sure they’re counted.”

Neither side provided proof of their allegations and started brawling instead.  That forced the deputies to make arrests.  All 15 were released after spending an hour in jail.  Mysteriously, no charges were filed, and there is no record of the arrests.

Oberweis denied any knowledge of the protest:  “I don’t care about fake news.  I care about splitting up Illinois—I mean serving the legal residents of Illinois.”

3. Interstellar court dismisses lawsuit to throw out Illinois election results

Despite Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar shouting, the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to invalidate Illinois’s election.

“‘Michael Madigan’ is not a sufficient reason to throw out several million valid ballots,” said Judge Kilos Sturgon.

Claar responded with an unprintable comment, and added:  “Do I need to bring in (Will County Chief Judge Richard C. Schoenstedt) to educate you?”

“Maybe he can educate you about the concept of showing contempt towards the court.  You wouldn’t like my teaching style.”

Sturgon laughed at the proposed remedy of having President Donald Trump appoint all elected officials in Illinois and Illinois’s Electoral College delegates.

‘Don’t laugh at me,” countered Claar.  “Illinois has disenfranchised Trump supporters for years.”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“It means whatever will help my President.”

“Try enjoying your retirement for a change,” said Sturgon before dismissing the lawsuit.

Melisa Quinones, a lawyer representing an anonymous resident of Bolingbrook, praised the dismissal:  “The residents of Illinois made it clear they have a thirst for voting.  Ruling in favor of Roger would have been the equivalent of pouring sand down their throats.  Voting is like water, and Illinois residents need water— Just not at outrageous rates.”

4. Illuminati forces Jeanne Ives to wear the ‘shoes of shame’

After Jeanne Ives failed to unseat Representative Sean Casten, the Illuminati sentenced her to wear the “shoes of shame” for one week.

“Our operatives risked their lives for your campaign,” said Master Councilor Lev.  “You wasted their time posting ugly signs.  You spent more time complaining about state officials than you did running against Sean.  Do you even know what office you were running for?”

 “Of course,” replied Ives.  “I was running to be (Governor J.B. Pritzker’s) boss.  I was so looking forward to firing him.”

“Wrong is too weak a word to describe your thinking.”

Ives was offered a chance to apologize for her failure but refused.

“I’d rather be wrong than wearing a mask in fear of the Chinese virus.  Would you like a patch?”

For the next week, Ives will have to wear a pair of glow in the dark yellow tennis shoes with bells.   Ives, however, says she is not concerned:  “I only ran for Congress to keep my name in the news.  They’re making a big deal out of nothing.  They’ll come around when I run for Governor.  Or President.  Whatever will put me in charge of Illinois, that’s what I’ll run for.”

When reached for comment, Casten replied, “I’m happy the voters sent me back to Washington, but it won’t be the same.  Some of my friends won’t be back, the Squad gained more members, and I’ll have to listen to QAnon members make vile accusations against me.”

5, Trustee Jaskiewicz rescued from the Hidden Lakes Monster

Village workers rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz hours after the Hidden Lakes Monster captured his submersible pod.

“I’m fine,” said Jaskiewicz.  “The monster is fine too.  Who thought it was a good idea to put a submarine in Hidden Lakes?”

According to anonymous village employees, on Election Night, the village trustees were sent to secure locations in case of election-related violence.  Jaskiewicz was assigned to hide inside a submersible pod under Hidden Lakes.  Hidden Lakes is also the home of the Hidden Lakes Monster.  It’s the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster.

“We thought the monster was in hibernation,” said an employee.  “I guess the warm weather, and the excitement of election day woke it up.”

After Jaskiewicz’s pod was placed into Hidden Lakes, the half duck half sea serpent creature wrapped itself around the pod and pulled it into the deepest part of the lake.

“Sure,” said the employee.  “Most of Hidden Lakes is shallow and was once a trout farm.  But certain areas are up to a mile deep.  That’s where the creature hides, and why it took us a while to find Bob.”

Once found, divers lured the monster away from the pod with birdseed.  Then they were able to raise the pod to the surface.

“There’s still a risk of violence related to the election,” said Jaskiewicz.  “Some politicians should know better.  Anyway, this time I’m going to be sheltering in a safe place, rather than the bottom of Hidden Lakes.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Bolingbrook tells residents not to be afraid to vote (Fiction)

An alleged PSA from the Village of Bolingbrook to calm residents’ fears of voting during the 2020 election.

By Reporter X

Despite concerns about election day chaos and violence amid a pandemic, Village of Bolingbrook officials insist it is safe to vote this week:

“We’re going the extra light year,” said Dena Z. DeProsse, a spokesperson for the Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Aliens are still banned from abducting residents, the reptoids are staying underground, and our wereskunks promise not to spray voters.  Be assured, it will be safe for our residents to vote this year.”

While there was concern that Space Force pilots based in Bolingbrook might try to shoot down UFOs delivering absentee votes from other planets, Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry confirmed that those ballots have already been processed:

“We got the ballots.  Sorry you won’t be able to write about dogfights over Joliet, but everything is under control!  Are we done?  Because I’m kind of busy right now.”  

In the background, a person said: “The Russians, Iranians, and Chinese are fighting each other to hack our servers.  They’re canceling each other out right now, but it’s only—”

“Babbler” replied Ferry.  

“Oh (expletive deleted)!”

“I’ll take care of it.  You call Charlene and tell her that I’ll ask DuPage Township to reassess her property tax value if she doesn’t call off her friends.  As for you, tell your readers not to worry about anything except Republican Judges deliberately throwing out Democratic ballots.  It’s going to be an interesting election!”

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement saying they would protect voters as well: “Fascism won’t be stopped by thin blue lines.  It is stopped by people standing up for democracy.  We’ll keep the fascists out of your voting booth.  Please do your part to vote them out of office!”

Will County residents can find their voting information at  https://www.thewillcountyclerk.com/elections/

DuPage County Residents can find their voting information at https://www.dupageco.org/election/

The Babbler will post an ‘Election 2020 Special Edition‘ on our web site following election day.

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial:  People died for our democracy. Vote to defend it
Bolingbrook denies building permit for Church of COVID
Weredogs vow to protect polling places
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Village of Palatine fines UFO for displaying political ad over early voting site (Fiction)

A UFO displays an ad for State Representative Tom Morrison.

By Reporter X

The Village of Palatine fined a UFO crew for displaying a political ad for State Representative Tom Morrison while hovering over its early voting site. 

“We don’t care if your spacecraft is 100 feet from the pooling place or 1 foot,” said Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  “Visitors are not allowed to display political ads that are visible from a Palatine polling place.”

According to eyewitnesses, the UFO displayed its Morrison ad intermittently while hovering over the site.  Experts believe that one person out of ten waiting in line to vote might have seen the craft.

Corey, a Palatine resident, was one of them:  “I was going to vote for Tom anyway, but seeing his ad on an alien spacecraft made me feel better about my vote.  If aliens don’t think women should have equal rights, then Tom has an alien mind!”

Palatine resident Paula also saw the ad:  “That ad made me mad because that means there are homophobic aliens up there.  You can be a bigoted (expletive deleted) even if you’re from another world.”

Claudia Z. Marshal, a lawyer for the UFO Crew, says her clients plan on contesting the fine:

“My clients do not recognize the New World Order’s claim over Palatine’s air space.  They only acknowledge Clow UFO Base’s jurisdiction over all of Chicagoland. Clow, as most people know, is controlled by the Illuminati.  The Illuminati allows its visitors to display UFO ads, and Bolingbrook actively encourages the practice.  Palatine has no right to extort money from my clients!”

Marshal claims that the Morrison campaign is threatening to sue her clients over the ads:

“Yes, my clients changed the text of the ad from ‘tax fighter’ to ‘tax cut fighter.’  It was a simple misunderstanding because Representative Morrison opposes a law that will give 97% of Illinois residents a tax cut.  My client’s contact is clear.  No refunds, no matter how rich your supporters are.”

A campaigner staffer said Morrison was busy meeting with voters and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Morrison said: “While you’re waiting to vote, I’d like to introduce myself.”

“I know who you are.  I’m your opponent, Maggie Trevor.”

“That won’t stop me from lecturing you.”

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base referred all questions about the incident to Bolingbrook’s mayor. 

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Please tell your readers to wear a mask so we can reopen our bars and restaurants.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled:  “Mayor Mary may be a trustee mayor abomination, but I forbid you to call her that!”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Come on!  All the cool bots are doing it in Bolingbrook Politics. If you want to become the next mayor, you have to trust me.  You’re nice, but you can’t out-nice Mayor Mary.  You have to let me go QAnon on her.  You don’t how much trouble I went through to get access to the triple code.”

“I don’t care.  I can’t let you make such a vile and false accusation against a fellow trustee.”

“You’ve got it all wrong.  Thanks to Elon Musk, ‘pedo’ is legally considered a generic insult, like (expletive deleted).  We can’t help it if some voters jump to the wrong conclusion.”

“You’re using the abuse and exploitation of children to bully your political enemies.”

“And?”

Also in the Babbler:

Space Force to expose its troops to COVID-19
Trump threatens to sell Chicagoland to Canada.
Village to produce ‘Snowy the Bolingbrook Skunk’ movie
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

QAnon and George Soros clash at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

What was supposed to be a debate between QAnon and George Soros quickly devolved into a series of personal attacks.The event was sponsored by the Bolingbrook Jaycees Secret Alumni Society.

“You’re poisoning democracies with your lies and recycled anti-Semitism!” charged Soros.

“There’s nothing wrong with spreading a little blood libel,” countered QAnon, a leading member of the Illuminati.  “You, on the other hand, promote open societies over secret societies.  That makes you the real monster!”

“I survived the Nazi occupation in Hungary and escaped communism,” Soros replied.  “How dare you call me a monster!”

“And I survived being an Illuminati Standard Bearer!” she snapped back.  “You don’t get any lower than that.  So spare me all of your anti-Semitism kills crap.  I’m the real victim here!”

QAnon and the socially distant audience were at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, while Soros addressed the audience over the Internet from a secret location.

The debate started with formal opening remarks.  QAnon talked about her rise from lowly Illuminati employee to the leader of a growing political movement:

“It’s been an amazing journey.  I’ve gone from posting others’ propaganda to creating my own reality.  I took the ashes of the failed Pizzagate conspiracy and turned it into a religion!  I’ve turned Donald Trump from a broke pervert into an anti-pedophile superhero.  Every time they say I’m going to fade away, I come back stronger than ever.  Oh sure, I kind of got lucky when COVID-19 hit, but I was going to come back anyway!”

Soros used his opening statement to talk about the Open Society Foundations:

“Humanity is best served by governments that are accountable to their people, not to secret societies.  Governments function best when they allow the free and open exchange of ideas.  Secret societies promote neither.  That is why I hate both the Illuminati and the New World Order.”

“Okay,” QAnon replied as she made the “Okay” sign.  She then looked down and said: “Hey, Dad!  If you’re looking up at me, you just saw me trigger George Soros.  He still doesn’t know who you are, Dad.”

Before the debate ended in a shouting match, Soros said he did consider membership in the New World Order, but declined the invitation:

“I’m glad they want global stability, but in the end, they’re a secret society, just like the Illuminati.  Secret societies shouldn’t be deciding the fate of nations, and I couldn’t justify being a member of one.  The New World Order can’t be reformed, and neither can the Illuminati.”

QAnon replied: “And yet the world will remember you as the root of all evil, while I will be compared to Jesus!”

“The Illuminati and their allies have recycled anti-Semitic conspiracies and replaced ‘Jew’ with ‘Soros.’  Secret societies have a long and shameful history of framing the Jewish people for their actions.”

“What are you complaining about?  The Pax Aeternum started that practice centuries ago.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s nothing personal.”

“Only an antisemite would think it wasn’t personal.”

“Don’t call me an antisemite.  I used to have a Jewish friend.”

“Used to?”

“Yeah, until she accused me of using her as a shield, and broke it off.”

Both of them then started shouting unintelligibly for several minutes until the organizers ended the debate.

“We were hoping for a thoughtful debate on the future of humanity,” said Barb X. Yount, one of the organizers.  “We want to believe that sunlight is the best disinfectant, but weeds also like sunlight too.”

Barb said that the sponsors were open to hosting separate speeches by QAnon and Soros in the future.

Two members of the village board were present at the debate.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order, said: “I can’t believe I risked my life to attend this shout fest.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, a member of the Illuminati, said: “I was just here to perform the Glowing Orb Ritual.  I think I did a good job.  I didn’t really pay attention to the debate because I’m still getting texts from residents asking me why I’m not the acting mayor.  Would you want to be the acting mayor right now?”

Also in the Babbler:

Men in Blue foil militia’s plan to bomb Clow UFO Base
Kamala Harris sends a video message to Clow UFO Base’s ‘Doomsday Crew.’
Wereskunk arrested for eating yard signs.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.