Guest Opinion: Bolingbrook United 2021 – United for a better future and a better community (Mixed)

On April 6, voters in Bolingbrook will select a new mayor, a new clerk, and three trustees.  We asked the three local parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, to submit guest opinions to published on the eve of early voting Only Bolingbrook United accepted our invitation.  

All views expressed in these guest opinions are those of the political parties and do not necessarily reflect the view of the Babbler editorial board.

Founded in 2016 on a quiet residential street by a group of residents who were tired of the status quo and seeing only those who were well connected or campaign donors having their concerns addressed, Bolingbrook United has been a grassroots movement from the beginning.  With the aim of providing a voice for all residents and addressing long-neglected concerns of the community, our village board candidates for 2021 have a diverse and experienced background from which they draw and can provide leadership within the community.

Jackie Traynere:  Candidate for Mayor

Jackie is a long-time resident of Bolingbrook, has served the community as a County Board member since 2008, and is the chair of the DuPage Township Democrats organization.  Jackie has been a small business owner and was employed for 22 years as a union organizer.  She volunteers in countless ways within the community and is a Rotarian.  You can read more about Jackie’s background at:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/jackie/

Elnalyn Costa:  Candidate for Village Clerk

“El”, as she’s better known to her friends, is a 14 year Filipino-American resident of Bolingbrook.  El is the Fund Administrator of the SEIU Healthcare Illinois Benefit Funds in Chicago where she leads a team that serves 20,000 frontline healthcare and child care workers.  El serves her community in many ways including as a DuPage Township Precinct Captain and as the treasurer for the Illinois Democratic Women of Will County.  Learn more about El at:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/elnalyn/

Melisa Quinones:  Candidate for Village Trustee

Melisa is a local attorney, parent of a special needs child, and grew up in Puerto Rico.  When Hurricane Maria devastated the island Melisa moved her family to Bolingbrook to be near her sister and start a new life.  Since becoming a resident Melisa has become very involved in the local community by serving on the Crime Stoppers board, becoming and serving as a certified mediator and Guardian ad Litem for the court system, and volunteering for the local “Lawyers in the Library” program.  View more about Melisa’s qualifications here:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/melisa/

Jose Quintero:  Candidate for Village Trustee

An active member of St. Dominic’s Church in Bolingbrook since 2004, Jose originally immigrated to the US from Durango, Mexico when he was five.  His background is in many ways indicative of the “American Dream” as he studied at College of DuPage and later graduated from Florida Atlantic University, now working as the VP of Operations and Business Development for the Windson Hospitality Group.  Jose is also a Rotarian and an active member of the Chamber of Commerce.  Learn more about Jose here:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/jose/

Rondel Parker:  Candidate for Village Trustee

Rondel is a fiscally conservative, independent, and non-partisan candidate who is a graduate of Illinois State University and a public servant.  An avid health enthusiast, Rondel loves to run with the Bolingbrook Fun Run Club and help others stay fit in the gym.  The parent of 5 children, including 3 who are members of the US Airforce, Rondel learned early on the value of community from his grandparents as he volunteered to feed the needy.  Learn more about Rondel here:   https://bolingbrookunited.com/rondel/

Bolingbrook United 2021 Platform:

While it is impossible to address all concerns that the Village currently faces or will face over the next four years, the candidates have a clear focus on the following issues:

I. TRANSPARENCY

Bolingbrook United will work to make sure local government is open and accountable. It’s time to give power and information back to the people. We will put a stop to backroom deals that benefit only a few connected players, end no-bid contracts, and responsibly manage our village vendors and finances. It’s your money – you deserve a say in how it’s spent.

 Village meetings and engaging with residents on key issues

Everyone should have equal access to the work of their government. We will give residents a voice at Village Meetings with fewer restrictions, and open channels of communication for residents who can’t attend to make sure all can share their input. Before key financial decisions are made, like taking on more village debt or bidding on contracts, residents will have a real chance to weigh-in.

 End Conflicts of Interest

Bolingbrook officials have a long history of playing favorites and accepting campaign donations from those who do business with the village. We will enact new ethics restrictions and make sure our vendors are doing what is best for our residents, not politicians.

 Modernize Village Hall and how we interface with residents

We will work with Village staff to upgrade the use of technology and improve the ways residents get and share information, apply for permits, and put in requests.

II. A BETTER DEAL

Bolingbrook United will help us rebuild from COVID-19 even stronger than before. We will work to fill empty storefronts and strengthen our local economy. We will also root out corruption and find savings in our budget so that we can lower property taxes and fees while delivering better, more affordable village services like clean water and the option for garbage containers.

 Redevelop Bolingbrook Commons

The entryway to Bolingbrook from the Route 53/I-55 Corridor is an eyesore. We will work with the owners of the empty, deteriorating space where Century Tile was to redevelop a welcoming entry to our village that is an attractive, productive, and tax-producing area. This would include redeveloping the Corridor and Amazon development.

 Review the profitability of all Village-owned facilities and take action

Take a deep review of all Village-owned facilities to determine what changes are needed to make each property more accessible to the public, more profitable for the village, and less impactful on our long-term debt.

 Promote Economic Development & Business Opportunities

Establish a committee of local business leaders and Village staff to focus on economic development and repurposing of vacant commercial space. We will focus on working with local businesses to identify solutions for attracting new businesses and keeping businesses open and successful.

 Enhance Village services like Water & Garbage

The cost of clean water and garbage services remains a hardship for many Bolingbrook residents. We will review the current contracts and explore other avenues to deliver affordable services.

II. INCLUSION

Bolingbrook United takes pride in the diversity of our community as we work towards changes that provide more inclusive voices at the table. We believe public services should represent all our residents. We will take a closer look at our police and fire departments and collaborate with our school systems and non-profit organizations to support equity and bring people together.

 Community Engagement

Develop Village forums and programming that listens and attends to the needs of all residents, working families, our children, our seniors, and our ethnic communities represented in Bolingbrook.

 Safety as a priority

Crime prevention in all corners of our community is critical for everyone’s safety. We support the systematic use of partnerships and problem-solving techniques to proactively address the way our police engage with our citizens.

 Education and Training

We will partner with our school systems and community organizations to encourage our youth to deepen their learning about social justice, and to provide job training and development programs to our adult residents to promote job security and economic justice.

DuPage Township candidates clash at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportBy Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base survived the first debate between the Democratic and Republican slates for DuPage Township.  The debate, the first since Clow reopened, occurred in front of a standing-room-only audience of aliens and staff.

“No one inside Clow has COVID,” said Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, the administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “So I want a good clean debate.  No hidden weapons.  No making fun of your opponents’ pets, and no mentions of Trump.  Are you ready?  Are you ready?  Let’s get it on!  I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Current DuPage Township Trustee, and candidate for Township Supervisor, Alyssia Benford, delivered the Republican’s opening statement.  She talked about her years serving on the board, and her membership in the Illuminati:

“I am a CPA, a doctoral candidate, and, most importantly, an honored Knight of Chaos.  I am so dedicated to spreading chaos in DuPage Township that (Former Mayor Roger Claar) didn’t make a single donation to my campaign last quarter.  I will never stop fighting for a chaotic township.  I will never use the title Ph.D. A.B.D., and I will always be a CPA.”

Democratic Township Supervisor candidate Gary Marschke mentioned his membership in the New World Order and his volunteer work for Humanoid Corrective Learning. HCL is a charity that serves “at-risk” alien youth residing at Clow UFO Base.  His speech mostly focused on his slate’s platform:

“We want more services for seniors, regardless of party affiliation.  We will maintain the Township’s award-winning services for our interstellar visitors.  We’ll expand the food bank, and we promise not to run up the township’s legal bills over frivolous matters!  Oh, and I know how to properly file taxes! I look forward to properly managing the township’s tax revenue.”

Acting DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George ran onto the stage and demanded to be included.  The moderator told him that the debate was only open to candidates on the ballot, not write-in candidates.  

“The township is on the right track, thanks to me!” yelled George as he was dragged off stage.  

“No it’s not!” countered Benford.  “I know because I’m a CPA. If the township is on the right track, why are so many people running against you?”

“Wow,” said Marschke.  “I actually agree with my opponent for once.”

After the moderator asked the first question, members of the Watchdogs of Clow UFO Base stood up and tried to shout down the Democratic candidates:

“This slate is not approved by the Edgar County Watchdogs.  All of you must resign!”

“You know,” said Democratic Trustee candidate Terri Ransom, “Anyone in the universe can comment about this race, but it is the residents of DuPage Township that make the decision.  Right now you’re preventing the voters from hearing us!”

An alien held up a Torah ark and yelled: “May the light of the sacred Illinois Code burn you!”  He opened the door, revealing only a law book.  The alien was then escorted out of the debate.

Another group from the Clow chapter of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook demanded that they be allowed to ask Benford a question.  Benford agreed.  

The member asked: “Since you were censored by the township board—”

“I was not censored!” replied Benford.  “I was censured!  Big difference.  You are not with Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook!”

“Yes we are,” the member replied.  “Your followers may have forced Bonnie to change the name to The Bolingbrook Reporter, but we retained the rights to inside Clow UFO Base!”

“Whatever.  As a CPA, I must still say that you’re wrong.  Besides, she is a resident of Florida, not Bolingbrook!  She’s so delusional that she can’t tell the difference!”

“Not true!  She is a resident of the Little Bolingbrook neighborhood. It’s an extension of the Village of Bolingbrook within the state of Florida.  Therefore, she is a resident of both!”

Benford dropped her jaw for a moment.  She replied: “We’ll see what the courts say after I finish suing the township for censuring me!  They obviously confused me with Adam Kinzinger.  As a CPA, I am not confused and I know there is nothing in the Township Code that allows a board to censure!”

Marschke countered: “There’s nothing in the code that forbids it either, and censure is mentioned in Robert’s Rules of Order!  You’re going to sue because the board voted to harshly criticize you?”

Republican Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams said:  “Excuse me.  A constituent has an important comment to make.”  

She reached down and pulled up a ventriloquist figure.  Though the figure, she said:  “All democrats are corrupt liars who should be censored and shot on sight.”

Williams replied: “Lyn, will you stop being silly?  Just because Democrats are corrupt liars does not mean we should shoot them before they’re elected.  That’s why I’m a moderate and anyone who says otherwise is a liar!”

“Can you imagine four years of this?” asked Township Trustee Democratic candidate Debi Savage.

Republican Township Trustee candidate Antonio Timothee replied: “You can’t imagine how hard I’m going to flame you if you don’t stop trying to steal this election from us!”

After the debate, Alexander-Basta told members of the interstellar media that she was happy with how the debate went:  “Nobody rioted and the candidates didn’t try to kill each other.  Three visitors were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  Apparently, they played a drinking game that required them to drink every time Alyssia mentioned she was a CPA.  If this is the new normal at Clow UFO Base, my job is going to be easy!”

Also in the Babbler:

All three Bolingbrook parties invited to submit guest opinions

Aliens volunteer to dig out snow-covered fire hydrants in Palatine

Psychics say Jeanne Ives doesn’t rule out a 2024 Presidential run 

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

‘Snow Command: Bolingbrook’ video series to debut on YouTube (Fiction)

According to anonymous sources in Village Hall, a dramatic series, based on Bolingbrook’s Snow Command, will debut on YouTube next month. 

The synopsis for “Snow Command: Bolingbrook” states: “Alexandra, a young brilliant leader, is assigned to Bolingbrook’s new Snow Command team. Her team of young and diverse snow fighters must work together to fight record snowfalls to keep the greatest village in Illinois operating.  But enemies from Cook County and within the team threaten to divide the team as merciless storms threaten to bury Bolingbrook under feet of snow.  Will Alexandra lead her team to victory or will the united efforts of their selfish foes bring down Bolingbrook?”

According to the sources, the series is being produced by “top California talent,” and funded by the Citizens for Bolingbrook political action committee, run by former Mayor Roger Claar.

A source within CFB confirmed the existence of the series and defended the decision to produce it:  “TV ads are limited in their ability to persuade voters.  A TV series is another matter.  Just research the CSI Effect!  If we can make Bolingbrook’s Snow Command popular, and if viewers confuse the main character with (Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta), she’ll win the consolidated election!”

The Babbler obtained a trailer for the series. It features scenes of snowplows digging out residential homes, and rescuing stranded motorists.  Alexandra makes statements like: “I don’t care if you’re tired.  I don’t care if your family misses you.  If we don’t keep the streets clear, there won’t be a Bolingbrook.”  

In another scene, a woman who resembles Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member, and mayoral candidate, says: “My team uses Cook County salt, and it’s good enough for me.”  

Alexandra replies: “It’s not good enough for Bolingbrook!”

Another scene shows a man yelling at Alexandra about a snowplow destroying his mailbox and blocking his neighbor’s driveway.  She replies: “What’s one mailbox and one driveway compared to the accessibility of Boughton Road?”

In the final scene, an African-American member of the team is in a Zoom chat with a woman from Florida.

Woman:  When their GPS trackers go down, block off Village Hall!

Man:  But Alexandra said we have to keep Village Hall open.

Woman:  Are you going to do what she says, or are you going to be an independent man and do what I tell you to do?

Neither  The First Party for Bolingbrook nor  Bolingbrook United would return requests for comments. 

A person from the Bolingbrook Independent Voices said the party would respond once the series premiered:  

“We hope it honors the brave drivers who keep the streets of our diverse community accessible.”

In the background, Sheldon Watts walked up to covert social media operative Charline Spencer and said: “Charlene, did you create sock puppet trolls for Alyssia Benford’s slate?”

“Not now, Sheldon.  I’m auditioning a new campaign surrogate.  We need reinforcements if we’re going to overtake Jackie.”

“Is that Steve Schmidt?”

“Yep.  Thanks to the collapse of the Lincoln Project, we can get him at a steep discount.  Let me put him on speaker.”

On-screen, a man who looked like Schmidt said: “—of his condescending attitude towards Sheldon.  Roger thinks teenagers don’t require supervision.  If he really believes that then Roger has never raised a teenager.”

“Does he know?” asked Watts.

“Yep,” Spencer replied.

“That means—Oh my!  Sweet Jesus, forgive me for almost taking Your name in vain. Charlene, he can’t say that.  It’s not true.”

“No.  You can’t say that because it’s false.  He can say anything he wants if it helps us win.”

“That’s not right.”

“The man who sounded like Schmidt concluded:  “The party that should be the first to disavow his taint is, in reality, the party that is dependent on his tainted money.”

“Is he reading a script?” asked Watts.

“Let’s find out.   Hey, Steve.  There’s a burning question most Bolingbrook residents have:  Mora or Nancy’s Pizza?  What’s the correct answer?”

“The real burning question is which party is the party of Bolingbrook’s future.  The First Party acts like a ruling party, but it is ruled by a political wing of the insurrectionists, better known as the Republican Party. In Bolingbrook, it is controlled by the treasonous Roger Claar.  That leaves only two parties with serious visions for the future.  Both parties are running serious, quality candidates.  But if you want a party that will continue the centrist policies that made Bolingbrook great without chaining itself to the authoritarian party of Trump — and believes Bolingbrook’s diverse population should be empowered to make decisions, and not treated like props in a Roger Claar commercial—  then your only choice is Bolingbrook Independent Voices.”

“We’ll get back to you Steve,” said Spencer.

“I’ll be waiting,” Schmidt replied.  “Republican campaigns have disowned me, and Democratic—and I said the right word, ‘democratic.’  The Democratic campaigns don’t trust me.  But it was—”

Spencer disconnected.

Watts said: “Oh how the mighty have fallen.”

Also in the Babbler:

It’s not too late to donate to Freethought Blogs’ legal defense fund
Bolingbrook issues snow snake alert
Weredogs celebrate Bolingbrook’s moratorium on puppy sales
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/17/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Chicagoland’s UFO bases reopen (Fiction)

By Reporter X

All three of Chicagoland’s UFO Bases officially reopened last week after 100% of their employees received the COVID-19 vaccine from Venus.

Clow UFO Base

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held a “Grand Reopening Rave” to celebrate.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta welcomed the staff back to Clow by reading a letter cosigned by both her and Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar. It stated:  “Thanks to the ingenious leadership of my predecessor, Roger Claar, Clow is safely open for business and Bolingbrook is once again the most important village in the galaxy. This makes me the most important mayor in the galaxy. Fnord!”

“You’re actually the acting mayor,” interrupted Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and candidate for Mayor.

“Only until I beat you in the April 6TH election,” said Alexander-Basta.

Alexander-Basta also thanked the “Doomsday Crew” who were sealed inside Clow for months before evacuating to the Moon last November. She said: “I want to thank everyone one of you for your sacrifices.  Crew members like Jill, who has been separated from her husband all this time.  So Jill, how did it go when you finally reunited with your husband?”

Jill replied:  “He served me with divorce papers after I told him I was pregnant and he did the math.  Hey, I was just doing my duty to repopulate Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta replied: “I’m glad that you put Bolingbrook first, which just happens to be the philosophy of the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

After the speeches, DuPage Township Trustee Dennis Raga started playing dance music.  As the music played, Raga said:  “Some people say vaccines will save DuPage Township.  Vaccines are good, but we’re going to save it with booze, boobs, and EDM!  Say it with me.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

A woman who resembled DuPage Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams replied: “Screw that.  Get with the times, Dennis.  Purge the Left!  Stop the Steal!  Troll them all!”

Alexander-Basta walked up to her and said: “Can you please not say that?  You’re supposed to be part of the We Care Team.”

The woman said: “Caring is for commies!  We’re officially known as the DuPage Township Freedom First Slate!  Now stop bugging me, or my friend Lyn will post about you!”

Peotone UFO Base

Peotone UFO Base held a short opening ceremony.  Will County Board member Jackie Traynere, who is also a candidate for Bolingbrook Mayor, addressed the staff:

“I’m proud that I was able to secure the Venus vaccine for all the UFO bases in Chicagoland.  I’m also proud to announce that a portion of revenue from Peotone will fund our CARES act grant program.  We may be divided by political party, municipalities, townships, and secret society memberships, but we are all united as Will County residents.  If I happen to be elected the Mayor of Bolingbrook, I will unite both of our great UFO bases!”

Rob Sherman UFO Base

Instead of a celebration, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine offered each alien visitor on opening day a free human suit and coupons.

“We need each of you to shop in Palatine,” said Village Manager Reid Ottesen.  “Each purchase you make will help a local business, and make it easier for me to keep our mayor distracted!  Just promise to keep the sonic booms to a minimum when you fly away, okay?”

“Where are the dispensaries?” asked an alien.

“I’ll tell you, but only if you promise to buy your munchies in Palatine,” said Ottesen.

“Deal!” said the alien, “I can’t wait to consume lots of chips and dip.”

“Leave some for the residents.”

Also in the Babbler:

Some Kansas City Chief fans demand the NFL ‘fix’ Super Bowl LV
Snow Command blames Russians for blocking driveway with snow
Sources: Bolingbrook considering Iowa travel ban
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook recorded mock ‘Insurrection Alert’ video (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Village of Bolingbrook produced a “special edition of Community Matters” as part of their recent “insurrection drill.”

The video, provided by people with relatives connected Bolingbrook Community Television, simulated a live broadcast intended to warn residents of an impending “insurrection.”  Actors portrayed all the village offices on the program, including Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.

In the video, the actress portraying Alexander-Basta warned residents about an impending insurrection against Bolingbrook:

“I’m sorry to interrupt the rebroadcast of the 2016 Allied Forces concert, but this is more important than rocking out to Triumph covers.  I’ve received reliable intelligence that two militant factions are determined to seize Village Hall and install an unapproved mayor!  These irresponsible fanatics are threatening over thirty years of political stability.  I need the help of all real residents to defeat these dangerous foes and keep Bolingbrook first!”

An actor portraying Police Chief Michael Rompa provided more details:

“The insurrectionists are currently recruiting fighters.  We expect the first attacks against Mayor Mary and half the village trustees to begin on March 22nd.  These small attacks will just be warmups for the final attack on April 6.”

Later in the video, the Alexander-Basta and Rompa actors stood near Boughton Road.  The actress portraying Alexander-Basta held a “First Party for Bolingbrook” sign. The two conversed:

Alexander-Basta actress: Every two years, we post signs like this on public right-of-ways to remind residents of the names of some of their legitimate leaders.This is what a real sign looks like.  I’ve received reliable intelligence that the insurrectionists will be posting fake signs like the ones our police chief is holding.

(Rompa actor holds up Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook Independent Voices signs with the names blacked out.)

Alexander-Basta actress: Chief Rompa, what should residents do if they see one of these fake signs? Should they throw them out?

Rompa actor: Absolutely not.They could be booby trapped.  Instead, call the Public Works Department.They have a team that specializes in removing fake signs.

Alexander-Basta actress: And if a resident sees a sign on private property?

Rompa actor: Then that resident should dial (Number redacted).Our investigators will handle the situation.

The video concluded with the Alexander-Basta actress urging residents to stay at home, avoid social media, and await instructions from the village.

“Together, we will keep Bolingbrook first!”

A source close to Village Hall confirmed the authenticity of the video but insisted that it will never be broadcast:

“After the Department of Homeland Security released their domestic terrorism advisory, we wanted to make sure we could use BCTV to inform residents about any threats to the village. This video is proof that we can.  That’s all it is.”

A spokesperson for the real Alexander-Basta contacted the Babbler via Skype video call and stated:

“Do you really think The First Party for Bolingbrook would try to pass off the Consolidated Election as an insurrection?  We would never do that because we’re not afraid of the residents of Bolingbrook.  Just watch Mayor Mary talk to this constituent, and tell me she has to resort to Chicago-style trickery.”

The spokesperson then turned the camera towards Alexander-Basta, who was wearing a mask and a face shield.  She looked at a video doorbell.

“Sir, I’m on my way to Bolingbrook Snow Command, but I decided to stop by your house to hear any comments you might have for me, the Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“What happened to Roger?” replied a male voice.                                                                                  

“He retired and choose me to be his successor.”

“Great!  So when are you going to repeal his garbage tax?”

“Sir, Bolingbrook doesn’t have a garbage tax.  That’s—”

“Then what the (expletive deleted) have I been paying all these months?”

“That’s the garbage fee.  Fees are not taxes.”

“The government still gets my money!  What’s the difference?”

“Taxes are terrible.  Fees are fine.  That’s the difference.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians launch second snow attack against Illinois
Acting Mayor Mary skips mayoral debate to attend Bigfoot Zoom Conference
Clow UFO Base crew fully vaccinated against COVID
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Roger Claar Party accuses social media companies of censoring their attack ad (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with former Mayor Roger Claar, claims that social media companies are censoring their attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook.

 David Nelson, the chairperson of the Roger Claar Party, stated: “Social media companies would rather serve the Don’t Put Roger First party rather than the residents of Bolingbrook. But we will get our ad out—  even if we have to email it to every resident!  The truth is our party is committed to serving the greatest mayor ever!”

The ad, which was sent to the Babbler, claims that Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, who is running as a member of the First Party for Bolingbrook, voted with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the Bolingbrook United Party, on 98% of Village Board votes from 2019 to 2020.

At one point, the ad narrator says: “The choice is simple.  You can elect a mayor nominated by the Anti-Roger, or you can vote for a party that will stand by Roger 100%  Choose wisely, Bolingbrook.”

The ad also features photos of Alexander-Basta’s and Jaskiewicz’s faces crudely added to a video of a dancing couple.

According to Nelson, the ad was uploaded to Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, YouTube, and Gab.  The ad disappeared seconds later.

“Social media companies have allied themselves with the Anti-Roger and his evil allies!”

A Gab official, who asked not to be identified, said they deleted the video to prove they’re not biased against liberals.  “The Media says we cater to the alt-right.  That’s not true. We proved it by removing a video that was biased against a (racist remark deleted) (anti-Semitic remark deleted) village!”

The other social media companies refused to comment for this story.

A spokesperson for Bolingbrook United denounced the ad:

“Sure Bob nominated Acting Mayor Mary, but have you seen how she treats him?  Bob’s trying hard to fix our sanitation program. Mary just wants to argue about the difference between a fee and a tax.  Instead of taking a stand, she dumped Bob in a committee with (Trustee Michael) Lawler and tried to get our garbage advisory question thrown off the April ballot. If you want to provide real T.LC. for Bolingbrook, vote Bolingbrook United in and throw the First Party in the trash!”

Claar called the Roger Claar Party “a fake party,” and made several unprintable comments about Nelson before hanging up.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said it was the mayor’s day off, and she wasn’t talking to the media. She also said:

“You should write about how Mayor Mary didn’t throw anyone off the ballot this year.  Just between you and me, I think that’s a good sign.”

In the background, a man who sounded like trustee and mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts, said: “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I can bring a service animal in here.”

“Since when did you need a service animal?”

“She’s not here for me.  She’s here for you.  Meet Taffy, the deprogramming puppy.”

“Deprogramming puppy?”

“Yes.  You’ve been conditioned to always vote with the First Party.  If you’re going to run as an independent voice, you’re going to have to do better.”

“Are you accusing me of being one of Roger’s robots?”

“Call it what you want, Sheldon, but Taffy is here to help you.”

“How?”

“By banning the sale of commercially bred pets in Bolingbrook.  Look at her smile.  Good girl.  Taffy’s happy because she thinks you are going to propose a humane pet store ordinance at the next board meeting.  She knows that if you do that (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) will second it.”

“He will?”

“Trust me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Anyway, When it comes up for discussion, the mean mayor will say the village shouldn’t take sides between the cruel puppy mill breeders and puppy loving residents of Bolingbrook.  That will make Taffy sad.”

“Taffy understands English?”

“She’s a smart puppy.  She’s so smart that she knows the puppy loving voters are the key to victory.”

“But I don’t have the votes on the board.”

“Yes, you do.  I figured it out.  Michael and you will vote yes.  Bob will recognize this as his last opportunity to defeat the First Party and vote yes.  Then Trustee Zarate will break down and vote yes.  You’ll look like a brave compassionate independent leader.  No one will want to vote for a mean mayor.  So that’ll just leave (Mayoral candidate Jackie) Traynere in our way!  But if you vote with the First Party, Taffy will be sad.  You don’t want Taffy to be sad, do you?”

“Seriously?  You want me to choose a puppy over Mayor Mary?”

A dog barked for few moments.

“Don’t say the ‘M’ word around Taffy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook braces for Russian snow attack
Bolingbrook Police unions denounce revised ‘Don’t be a Drew’ training video
Local reptoids insist they have no plans for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Martian Colonies send ‘peacekeepers’ to Illinois (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO over Bolingbrook.

By Reporter X

Thousands of Martian Colonial marines landed in Illinois as part of a “peacekeeping force” to protect Earth’s UFO bases.

A statement from the colonial government read: “The humans who follow the orange god-emperor are threatening to perform a mass sacrifice in his honor.  Therefore it is prudent that we send peacekeepers to Earth to protect our visitors to our primitive neighbor.”

Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta greeted the marines at the Martian Colonial base built on the former site of Old Chicago.  She thanked them for their protection and their offer to disinfect Clow UFO Base before its planned reopening in February:

“We appreciate your protection against the divisiveness threatening our community,” said Alexander-Basta.  “As long as you don’t harm any good residents, you can stay as long as you want.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is a candidate for mayor in the April Consolidated election, argued with Alexander-Basta:  “I don’t care if they’re the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.  You shouldn’t be surrendering our sovereignty to them.  Only a trustee-mayor abomination like you would think that’s a good idea!”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” asked Alexander-Basta.

“No,” replied Watts.

Peotone Mayor Peter March said he was surprised by the arrival of the marines:

“They think they can just drop by and set up a military base without my permission.  Well, I guess they can.  I just wish they would have been polite about it and let me know first.  Now I have to rework our zoning map and hope no one notices.”

Reid Ottesen, the Palatine Village Manager said he was informed of the deployment in advance, and made arrangements to station the troops under the METRA station:

“Thanks to the New World Order, we were able to get Starbucks to move out of the station so we could use the space to tunnel under the station.  I know some residents aren’t happy about that, but they would have been unhappier with the original plan.  I’m not worried though.  Rob Sherman UFO Base will have extra protection, and the Colonial government promised to open a new coffee store to cover up the entrance to their base.  I just hope it’s safe for human consumption.”

Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz then entered the video chat and said, “What’s going on?”

“I’m just telling this reporter that our village board is doing such a great job that all the incumbents, including you, will be unopposed in the upcoming election.”

“That’s right.  And this Fremd graduate did it without a political party or a bloated campaign fund.”

Representative Adam Kinzinger greeted troops as they arrived at Hub 35 in Rochelle:

“I’ve had to hide out here since I posted that video.  Good thing I didn’t succeed when I tried to shut down Hub 35. Kidding.  You know, Trump forgot the 12th Commandment.  Thou shalt not kill your fellow Republican!  The only bright spot is that there’s finally a notable difference between Jeanne Ives and myself.  That will help when I run for governor!”

Zlogot, an alien resident who lives in Creston, IL, is pleased that Martian Colonial troops are in Illinois:

“Trump is like a drug that makes humans forget about germ theory and suppresses their empathy.  Now I can fly my modified golf cart around and not worry about being shot at because I have a Biden bumper sticker!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base ‘Doomsday Crew’ survives receiving the Venus COVID vaccine
Lisle’s trees approve candidates for the April election
Aliens will be able to abduct Bolingbrook residents starting in May
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Weredogs and Wereskunks clash over the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Weredogs and wereskunks clashed in front of the Promenade Bolingbrook over the sale of commercially bred puppies. Although there were heated arguments, and one spraying incident, the Department of Paranormal Affairs made no arrests.

Part of the department’s press release about the incident stated: “Bolingbrook’s shapeshifters have freedom of speech.  We just wish they wouldn’t use it.”

Twelve weredogs, in their war dog form, picketed behind the Promenade. They at times chanted: “Puppies Matter!”  Six wereskunks counter protested across the street, sometimes chanting: “Dogs are dumb!”

Ralph, a weredog pack leader, claims that a new pet store, Puppy Love, will be selling puppies from “puppy mills:” 

“These breeders are in it for profit, not love.  They impregnate mothers regardless of their health, provide inadequate health care, and don’t care if puppies receive proper socialization.  Bolingbrook residents would be appalled if someone opened a baby store.  They should be appalled that Bolingbrook will soon have two stores that sell puppies from these puppy factories!”

Petland is the other store that sells commercially bred puppies.

According to Ralph, weredogs were working with Bolingbrook officials to draft a “humane pet store ordinance.”  The weredogs decided to protest when they heard about the opening of Puppy Love.

Darla, a weredog and lifelong Bolingbrook resident, believes there are humane alternatives to puppy mills:

“Shelters like Humane Haven are filled with puppies looking for homes.  Don’t listen to the eugenicists, I mean breeders.  Shelter puppies make great companions!”

Sherry, a wereskunk alpha, shouted several unprintable insults at the weredogs.  She believes that pet stores represent “freedom:”

“Every Bolingbrook resident has the right to take out a loan for up to 200% interest to buy a sick puppy!  This is what defending your freedom is all about!  Don’t let them take away your freedom!”

Steve, another wereskunk, thinks pet stores are the key to Bolingbrook’s economic recovery.  “Bolingbrook needs all the tax revenue it can get.  So what if a store sells sick puppies?  The tax revenue that the store generates will prevent the village from choosing between funding the police, or funding the Bolingbrook Golf Club!  Dogs are too dumb to understand that.”

Trustees Michael Carpanzano and Robert Jaskiewicz met with protesters on both sides.  Carpanzano told the weredogs that he created a web page to promote pet adoption.  He also bragged to the wereskunks that he has never proposed an ordinance to ban the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook:

“I’m for all businesses!  Except for Marijuana dispensaries, of course.”

Jaskiewicz encouraged the weredogs to promote online petitions calling for a ban on the sale of mill puppies and other commercially bred pets.

“If Naperville can ban the selling of mill puppies, we can too.  The members of the First Party for Bolingbrook won’t listen to me, but they might listen to potential voters like you.”

Carpanzano held a rubber carp in front of Jaskiewicz’s face, then walked away.

“I hate it when he carps me,” said Jaskiewicz.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

Her receptionist said: “She’s in the middle of a very important phone call.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “I’m sorry, Mr. President.  There is no way I can legally find 1,025,024 votes for you in Bolingbrook…Please call me Mayor Mary.  Not (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) fake mayor Maria.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheists accidentally airdrop ‘humanitarian aid’ crate on Bolingbrook house
Governor Pritzker denies plans to send the national guard to DuPage Township
Will County Health Department contains zombie plague in Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/6/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. I am against puppy mills. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Flashback to 1991: The Replacements survive their final concert at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

From the Webmaster: While our staff is enjoying a socially distanced holiday week, I’m posting this article from 1991.  Don’t worry, we’ll be back next week with our Council of Psychics’ predictions for 2021.

Paul Westerberg of The Replacements plays guitar while an alien stands next to him.

Paul Westerberg (Right), the lead singer of The Replacements, greets an alien fan (Left) on stage.

By Reporter X

Controversial rock band The Replacements performed their final concert at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Despite their self-destructive tendencies, many in the audience said it was their best performance.

“It was amazing,” said Olsto Gustdo, an alien music critic from the Quad Stars Collective.  “They were sober and didn’t play any covers.  I can now regenerate knowing that I witnessed such a rare event!”

Blezod, also from the Quad Stars Collective, agreed: “(The Replacements) achieved peak alternativeness.  They were popular enough for me to hear, but not too popular that everyone knew who they were.  It is an undeniable fact that once a band becomes popular, they suck!  That is why I hope the Goo Goo Dolls never become popular.  Never heard of them?  They sound like the Replacements would if they were buried under coal and maple syrup then dumped into a cup filled with the blended remains of the New York Dolls!  Buy my zine because it’s cooler than H.E.L.P. Magazine!”

Sources inside the Department of Interstellar Affairs say Mayor Roger Claar arranged the concert to celebrate Rachel Rosenthal, the daughter of former mayor Edward Rosenthal, going off to college.  Some of the sources believe Claar wanted to make a gesture of goodwill towards his former rival.

“Roger needs to be on Ed’s good side,” said one source.  “He knows where all the bodies are buried.  Not real bodies, of course.  Anyway, Ed is the only person in Bolingbrook who could thwart Roger’s dream of being the longest-serving mayor of Bolingbrook. That’s why Roger has to make up for years of arguing with Ed when they both served on the village board.  It’s going to take more than a concert to fix their relationship.  I hear Ed is still upset over Roger complaining about the cost of replacing the wallpaper in the mayor’s bathroom.  Roger knew that Ed was just hiding the cost of the new missile defense system in that budget line item.”

Though the band officially broke up following their performance at this year’s Taste of Chicago, Claar had the Men in Blue bring the band’s members to Clow UFO Base.  He commanded them to do one last performance at Clow.

According to eyewitnesses, Claar said: “I don’t know the difference between The Replacements and The Ramones, but I know what I want.  I want you to give your best performance this weekend.  That crap you pulled at Heebie Jeebies? Unacceptable!”

The band members initially refused.  Bassist Tommy Stinson said he needed to recruit musicians for his new band, Bash and Pop.  Drummer Steve Foley said he was through performing Paul Westerberg’s solo material.  Guitarist Slim Dunlap said he didn’t perform at science fiction conventions: “This isn’t even a good sci-fi convention.  The costumes suck.  This venue sucks.  There’s no (expletive deleted) way I’m taking this gig seriously.  You’re lame for even asking me to perform.”

“I’m not asking you to perform,” Claar replied.  “I’m commanding you to perform!  And I’m not lame!  I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook, and the only Mayor of Bolingbrook to be reelected.”

“Oooh!” Westerberg sarcastically replied.  “Mayor Rum and Coke got reelected.  Color me impressed.”

As Claar lectured the band about why they should be impressed, Westerberg poured rum and coke into his mouth.  He then spat it at Claar.  Claar charged at Westerberg, and the room descended into mayhem.

“I’ve never seen this side of Roger,” said an eyewitness.  “If Roger jumped into a mosh pit, everyone else would be on the floor in seconds!”

When the Men in Blue restored order, Claar issued an ultimatum to the band:

“If you don’t give me your best performance this weekend, I will have the New World Order alter your brains so all of you can never get drunk or high ever again.  Each of you will spend the rest of your lives remembering that you squandered your chance at success!  You’ll remember sabotaging your Saturday Night Live performance.  You’ll feel guilty knowing that you stole that gig from a deserving band, and no drug or drink will cover up that guilt!”

“But,” protested Westerberg, “We’ll lose our alternative cred if we do what you say.”

“Fine.  Don’t do your best!”

Westerberg sighed.  “We’ll do our best, but we’re wearing women’s clothes and make-up!”

“Whatever!  Just give me a good concert so Ed will like me!”

After days of sober rehearsals, the Replacements finally performed in front of Claar, the Rosenthal family, and several thousand others.  The band started off their set with the song “Talent Show”, then proceeded to do solid performances through to the first encore.  The Rosenthal family and Claar seemed pleased.

However, the tone changed at the start of the band’s second encore:

“This song is dedicated to Mayor Rum and Coke,” said Westerberg.

The Replacements then performed “Waitress in the Sky.”  Claar flipped off the band from his skybox.

“Oh my god!” said the youngest Rosenthal daughter over the PA system. (Due to an agreement with the Rosenthal family, the Babbler will not print her name.)  “That’s so sexist!  You guys are just as bad as Guns N’ Roses.”

Westerberg started to say that his sister is a flight attendant, but Stinson then shouted unprintable remarks about Guns N’ Roses and the youngest Rosenthal.

Former Mayor Rosenthal stepped up to the microphone.  “Execute him,” he said.  The entire auditorium fell silent.

“Just kidding,” Rosenthal replied.  “I no longer control the Men in Blue.  But since you find the idea of working for Guns N’ Roses so appalling, I know people who can force you to join them.”

“Yeah,” added the youngest daughter.  “When Axl Rose is your boss, you’ll wish you were dead!”

The band ended the concert by performing “Anywhere’s Better Than Here.”  When the band left the stage, the Men in Blue erased each member’s memories of being at Clow UFO Base, then sent them back to Minneapolis.

Michael Lawler, an IT consultant for Clow UFO Base, loved the performance.  “Clow rocks!  Roger rocks!  I wish I could rock half as hard as Roger does!”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Replacements?  I wish the Babbler would replace you with a reporter who doesn’t call me at 2 AM!”

Rachel Rosenthal said she appreciated the effort Claar put into organizing the concert.  However, she said: “He could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he’d just booked Material Issue instead.  They’re a Chicagoland band, and they always put on a good show.”

Also in the Babbler (1991)

‘World Wide Web’ could entangle Bolingbrook
Aliens beg Sen. Gore to focus on climate change instead of music lyrics
Mayor Claar promises the village will be debt-free by 2001
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/7/91

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.