At the start of what we think history will call the raging 20s, first-term trustee Mary Alexander-Basta volunteered to be Bolingbrook’s first new mayor in 33 years. With only one abstention, the trustees elected her to be Bolingbrook’s third female mayor. 

While it’s still early in her term, she’s already won a mayoral election and has shown a willingness to listen to Bolingbrook’s opposition parties. Implementing their policies, however, remains to be seen. Despite some concerns, she’s remained a loyal member of the Illuminati, despite missing several rituals since becoming mayor. Alien ambassadors have praised her for being friendly and diplomatic, as well as, “not being like the previous human administrator.” She might be the only mayor who can make a video stream of a snowplow ride entertaining.

She’s had a few missteps, like trying to bump off the garbage fee/tax referendum off the ballot by adding three referendums of her own to the March 2021 ballot. Some also question her decision to allow the Martian Colonies to maintain a military base in Bolingbrook. Her failed attempt to grow a new trustee angered some residents.

A few months into her term, Alexander-Basta gave her first interview with the Babbler. It was refreshingly non-combative. (Out of Character: There are her actual answers, and I appreciate she took the time to respond. I edited parts of her answers for clarity.)

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta gives her first Babbler interview!

When Mayor Roger Claar stepped down after 33 years in office, Trustee Mary Alexander-Basta, to the surprise of some residents, stepped up to become the acting mayor of Bolingbrook.  

The Babbler, after many calls, psychic interventions, and possible aid from an alien ambassador, finally managed to get an email interview with her. Though it turned out to be a short interview, she did announce a major shift in the Village’s diplomatic stance towards the Martian Colonies.

The following are her replies to our questions:

Why did you volunteer to become the acting mayor?

When Roger retired state statutes require that his replacement come from the sitting board. I was voted in unanimously by the Trustees. 

In an interview with The American University in Cairo, you stated that your goals were to “maintain what was built by Mayor Roger C. Claar” and “to keep Bolingbrook a place to grow, a place where individuals or families of any size, age and nationality are able to call it home.” Since serving as the acting mayor, have your goals changed or have you added new goals?

As Mayor those continue to be my goals. Additionally my goal is to provide more transparency, more discussion to unite residents on issues facing our community, and continued careful planning. I also plan to work with other area Mayors as well as continue to work with the Heritage Corridor and the DuPage Convention & Visitors Bureau to promote Bolingbrook 

What have been your greatest challenges during your term as mayor?

My greatest challenges have been to find creative ways to help our restaurants, hotels and small businesses survive during these unprecedented times.

What have been your greatest successes?

My successes include settling the Fire contract, getting a tree trimming project approved for the first time over 4000 trees in our village will be trimmed. Hiring a Police Chief, Hiring a Fire Chief. With the assistance of the Village’s CIO (Chief Information Officer) we continue to introduce new technology to make it easier for residents and businesses to interact with the village, report issues and monitor the status of the results. Additionally we provide more info on what is happening in the village by way of Social Media, Bolingbrook App, Brook Alerts, BCTV channel 6 & Village Website.

Will you run for mayor in the 2021 election?

Yes I announced my candidacy on Monday, November 9, 2020

Will the crew of Clow UFO Base still host the annual holiday concert, even though the base is locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic?

Just like all other community events, things will have to look a little different this year. Fortunately, the technology required to communicate in space is advanced enough to bring the concert directly to our living rooms through virtual, interactive experience.

How will you maintain peace between the wereskunks and the weredogs?

We have been in communication with the weresquirrels, and they have agreed to maintain an open line of communications with the animal space world should anything arise.

As you are aware, a secret tunnel now connects Hidden Lakes with Lake Whalon. This tunnel allows the Hidden Lakes Monster to swim in Lake Whalon. Some people say the monster is depleting Lake Whalon’s fish population. Do you agree the fish are depleted, and should the Hidden Lakes Monster still have access to Lake Whalon?

It’s actually a common misconception that the Hidden Lakes Monster feeds on fish. He is actually a vegetarian. He has been crossing the tunnel as they have formed an alliance against other predators. However, that passage will be monitored more closely now due to social distancing guidelines.

As many residents know, the Martian Colonial Marines have a cloaked outpost on the former site of Old Chicago.  They want to establish a permanent base and disguise it as an Amazon Warehouse.  Former Mayor Roger Claar threatened to sue the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court if they didn’t withdraw from Bolingbrook.  Will you follow through on that threat?

It’s important to remember that Bolingbrook is a diverse community that welcomes all. As long as they maintain peace and contribute to our community in a positive manner we will have no issues.

Our psychics don’t know how long Alexander-Basta will serve as Bolingbrook’s mayor. Will she win reelection, or will Bolingbrook revert to its tradition of mayors only serving a single term? All we can say is that when her term ends, we will interview her successor. Because, as our former publisher Chris Olson used to say, as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler!

In 1986, two years after President Ronald Reagan visited Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook was in crisis. The New World Order forced Mayor Bob Bailey to resign. Old Chicago, once a source of pride for Bolingbrook, is finally torn down. Hair Metal bands are poisoning the minds of our children’s minds. Some fear that Clow could be closed and moved to Chicago.

In this crisis, The Illuminati appoints former village trustee Roger C. Claar as mayor because of his history of service to Bolingbrook. In 1979, he was appointed a trustee and brought peace to a divided village board. After an unsuccessful campaign for mayor, Bailey appointed him administrator of The Men in Blue.

The Illuminati hoped Claar could restore order to Bolingbrook. Claar did more than restore order in Bolingbrook. His first act as mayor was to announce his loyalty to the New World Order.  Instead of destroying his career, Claar became the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, and its most controversial. (2017: Following President Trump’s election in 2016, he switched back to the Illuminati and Clow UFO Base is now an Illuminati controlled facility.) Supporters say he spurred Bolingbrook’s commercial and industrial growth and is responsible for the village growing to over 70,000 residents. Critics say he runs Bolingbrook like a political machine and uses his campaign fund to live a lavish lifestyle.

When the Babbler first interviewed Mayor Roger Claar, he had recently been appointed mayor. Unlike the other mayors, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk to our reporter.

(2017: Content notice for the inappropriate use of the word, “crazy.”)

Mayor Roger Claar reveals his ‘crazy’ vision for Bolingbrook!

Reporter:  Thank you for your time.  We usually have to wait months before a mayor will grant us an interview.

Claar:  Don’t get too big a head. I agreed to this interview because I know that not all of your readers believe your stories. I’m using you to reach out to the Babbler’s sensible readers.

Reporter: OK, I guess. So, the first question. How does it feel to be the mayor?

Claar: Right now it’s kind of hectic, but it feels good. It’s like my whole life has been building up to this moment where I can take chaos, and create order. No, I have a better example. It’s like I have a new baby, and I can once again forge her path. (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes, it will be a lot of work. Oh, thank you for your generous offer, but I can’t talk about campaign donations now. I’m in my office. I’m sure my campaign manager will organize a fundraiser soon.

Reporter: People are donating to your campaign fund already?

Claar: Sure. I’ve been getting a lot of donations lately.

Reporter: Are they trying-

Claar: They aren’t trying anything! You see, a donation to my campaign is the voters’ way of saying that I’m doing a good job during the off years. The better the job I do, the more my campaign fund will grow. Now I have quite a challenge before me, but I know the voters have confidence in me. In fact, I could have several thousand dollars in my campaign fund by the end of the year.

Reporter:  Thousands of dollars? Why do you need thousands of dollars to campaign in Bolingbrook?

Claar: Would you turn down a million-dollar campaign fund?

Reporter: No.

Claar: That’s settled. Next question.

Reporter: Um. Some people say that we should reduce the population of Bolingbrook because of the risk to Clow UFO base’s cover. How do you respond?

Claar: (chuckles) I’ll play along. The previous mayors have secretly tried to limit development around Clow. I think that’s the wrong approach. First, alien cloaking technology is more advanced today than it was back in the 1960s. Second, I say that the more people Bolingbrook has, the easier it will be to hide the UFO base. In fact, I support commercial development around Clow.

Reporter: Businesses next to a UFO base? Are you crazy?

Claar: (Smiles)  Coming from the Babbler, that’s a compliment. No, it won’t happen right away, but think about all the supplies that a UFO base needs. Now try to justify delivering all of those supplies to a small, rural suburb. Like a tanker truck, for example. Before, you had to ask why a tanker is in the middle of nowhere. With more development, we can say, “Oh, that truck is here to fuel at the new gas stations.”

Reporter: I see.

Claar: Or think about all the people required to staff a UFO base: Why would all those people be in Bolingbrook? Once I get my way, we can say, “Oh, they’re here to shop.” “They live here.” “They work in the brand new factories.” Do you understand?

Reporter: I see.

Claar: In fact, I’m going to go up to developers and say, “See this previous development? This is the most expensive home. I want you to oversee the development of a subdivision, and that’s the starting price.”

Reporter: Why?

Claar: So people can move up in status and still live in Bolingbrook! In fact, I want people to do more than live in Bolingbrook. I want them to shop in Bolingbrook. Chicago and Naperville have been taking too many of our sales tax dollars. We need to keep those dollars in Bolingbrook.

Reporter: How?

Claar: I am going to support the building of malls. We’ll start with strip malls, and then someday, I imagine Bolingbrook will be the home to a large outdoor mall. It will be so magnificent that people from Naperville will want to shop there.

Reporter: Wait a minute! Bolingbrook couldn’t support an indoor mall. How could we support an outdoor mall? Especially one without an amusement park?

Claar: Because it will have anchor stores people will actually want to shop at! (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes! I’m doing fine. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t talk about donations. I’m working, and you do business with the Village. What? Hmm. I guess it would mean I’d have to be tougher on you, and thus you would do a better job for the village. That’s an interesting argument. I’ll have to discuss it with my lawyers. But not right now.

Reporter: Did I hear–

Claar: Everything I do will be double-checked by lawyers and then double-checked again! I won’t do anything illegal!

Reporter: But how will that look to the residents of Bolingbrook?

Claar: Would you want to talk to lawyers every time someone gave you a gift?

Reporter: No.

Claar: Well, that’s what I’m going to do!

Reporter: But that sounds c–

Claar: Don’t say that C word!

(Knock on the door. Claar answers the door.)

Man holding briefcase: Hello your honor! (Opens the briefcase) Alexander Hamilton and I want to talk to you about building a luxury housing development and a first-class golf club in Bolingbrook.

(Claar turns red)

Claar: Aaron Burr and I want you to get the (expletive deleted) out of my office!

(Man runs away with the money. Claar walks into the bathroom and then comes out several minutes later.)

Claar: Ed sure has good taste in wallpaper.

Reporter: And missile defense systems.

Claar (chuckles): You know, a luxury housing development anchored by a golf club is a good idea. Maybe something to do several years from now. But I won’t use that developer. He’s dishonest. You know, if it’s such a good idea, maybe the village could do the project instead.

Reporter: You want the village to get into the real estate business?

Claar: Why not? Land is always a good investment. The village would collect tax dollars and money from the sale of the homes. How could we lose?

Reporter: What if the market has a downturn?

Claar: Then we’ll wait for the up-turn.

Reporter: Government in the real estate business? That’s crazy! I’m sorry.

Claar: If the Babbler thinks it’s crazy, then it must be a good idea. But don’t worry. I think I’ll build two skateparks before I build the golf course.

Reporter: Skateparks? Have you seen skateboarders! They’re crazy! They must be on drugs.

Claar: If skateboarding isn’t a crime, then only law-abiding citizens will be skateboarders.

(Reporter stares at Claar)

Claar: Oh, by the time I get to that, skateboarding will be cool and the crazy people will try to figure out how to jump off high buildings without getting killed.

Reporter: I don’t know what to say. All of your ideas are so radical– and I’m not just saying that lightly.

Claar: Oh, those ideas are pretty simple compared to my ultimate dream.

Reporter: Ultimate dream?

Claar: Sure. Everyone needs an ultimate dream. A vision to work towards, even if you don’t succeed, so you’ll go farther than you expected to go.

Reporter: I’m afraid to ask.

Claar: You talk to aliens, yet you’re afraid of my ultimate goal?

Reporter: I’m not Reporter X.

Claar: Ah. Well, if I’m successful as mayor, then not only will more people want to move to Bolingbrook, but more communities will want to be a part of Bolingbrook.

Reporter: As in copying your policies?

Claar: No. As in, they will ask to be annexed by Bolingbrook. First Romeoville, and then Woodridge. As Bolingbrook grows, more suburbanites will demand to be annexed by Bolingbrook. Before long, all of Chicago’s suburbs will merge to become Greater Bolingbrook, and Chicago will be a suburb of Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Um, if you want to run a major city, why not move to Chicago and run for mayor?

Claar: Do you want to be the mayor of Chicago?

Reporter: Good point.

Claar: Once that happens, then I can retire knowing that I helped Bolingbrook reach its golden age.

Reporter: You know, somehow, that idea doesn’t sound crazy.

Claar: Good. I think. Well, I have to get back to work. I hope you print most of the truth.

Reporter: I am sworn to tell reveal the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

Claar: Some things never change. You know–

(A basketball flies in through the open window. Claar grabs the ball and throws it out the window. Then he runs up to the window.)

Claar: Hey! Watch where you throw your ball!

Girl: You’re a meanie and I’m going to get you someday!

(Girl runs away.)

Claar: (Shakes his head.) I have a feeling that girl is going to grow up to be nothing but trouble.

After publishing the interview, Claar announced at the next board meeting that the only truthful part of the story was letting the reporter into his office. The rest was “a bunch of nonsense.”

(2017 update: Over the years, the Babbler and Claar have come to an understanding. Though he has never given another formal interview with the Babbler since this one, he has ways of getting his message to us. As the election of 2017 showed, his reputation might have been tarnished by his endorsement of President Donald Trump during the election, but he will go down in history as one of Bolingbrook’s most influential mayors.)

(2021 update: Claar stepped down as mayor after 33 years in office. To honor his years of service, the village board made him Bolingbrook’s first Mayor Emeritus. While the power of his position is debatable, he still controls the Citizens for Bolingbrook PAC and still has a personal campaign fund. He may have stepped down, but he still casts a shadow over Bolingbrook.)

Next: COVID-19 ravages the world. President Trump plants the seeds of insurrection among his supports. Facebook’s algorithm divides and enrages Bolingbrook’s residents. Protesters threaten to hold up signs outside the Promenade. Amidst the chaos, a woman volunteers to succeed Claar.

In 1980, America rejected The Carter administration and embraced the pro-American, pro-responsibility policies of Ronald Reagan. It really was morning in America. In 1981, Bolingbrook decided to elect liberal Ed Rosenthal to be the mayor of Bolingbrook. 

The residents of Bolingbrook supported his efforts to create transparency inside village hall. They were willing to buck the national trend to put the Pride Party and him in office.

Rosenthal’s election angered Babbler publisher John Olson so much, that he would use the Babbler to try to get Rosenthal recalled before his inauguration. He said that Bolingbrook needed to be saved from that, “Peacenik hippy commie teacher!” the Babbler, under protest from the editor, ran articles about Rosenthal’s “numerous visitors with alien bankers” and attacked his family. When the Babbler questioned his wife’s administration of The Fountaindale Library and its “Collection of cursed books,” Rosenthal wrote a letter to the editor. When the Babbler claimed that his oldest daughter had a collection of voodoo dolls, he submitted a guest opinion. 

When the Babbler wrote about his youngest daughter, Rosenthal marched into the Babbler’s new Barber’s Corner office and barged into Olson’s office. The two then had the loudest argument in the history of Bolingbrook. The argument was heard as far away as Downers Grove, and as far underground as Hell. They only calmed down when lawyers for both sides entered the room.

After the meeting, Olson announced that he was stepping down as the publisher of the Babbler. He added that the Babbler would retract its article about Rosenthal’s youngest daughter. To date, this is the only retraction in the Babbler’s history.

Rosenthal then agreed to his first interview with the Babbler as mayor, but stated that he be allowed to “conclude our settlement there.” Our reporter had no idea what he was getting into.

Mayor Rosie speaks to the Babbler!

Reporter: Hello your honor.

Rosenthal: Oh come in. You can call me Mayor. We’ll worry about calling me Ed or Rosie later once you’ve earned it.

Reporter: Um OK.

Rosenthal: You must be the bravest reporter at the Babbler. 

Reporter: I drew the short straw.

Rosenthal: Ah. Well, have a seat. This won’t hurt much.

Reporter: OK. Um, you seem calmer now compared to the last time I saw you.

Rosenthal: Oh, I’m quite calm now. In fact, I’ve never been happier. I heard that you have a new publisher now.

Reporter: Yes. Chris Olson took over today. He says that he’s going to keep the editorial and business departments separate at the Babbler.

Rosenthal: I think that’s good. All I have to say to your staff is this. You can accuse me of visiting alien bankers, though I only go to the bank to cash a check. You can say my wife is hoarding spell books, though she really supports science. You can talk about Rachel because she thinks it cool to have voodoo dolls. But when you go after my youngest daughter, that makes me mad. She’s too young for your silliness.

Reporter: I’m here to assure you that my report won’t be silly.

Rosenthal: If you say so. Now, what’s your first question? And it better not be about cabals, or secret business groups, or any other innuendo.

Reporter: Um. Just a second. Oh. Trustee Claar says your policies will stunt Bolingbrook’s growth. How do you respond?

Rosenthal: Ah, a sensible question. Well, we can’t keep growing forever. If our growth slows down, we can use this as an opportunity to build up our infrastructure. I’m sure some residents would like to have sidewalks.

Reporter: Except for the Cars First party.

Rosenthal: Let’s not talk about them.

Reporter: Some people close to Claar say that he feels Bolingbrook needs to keep growing in order to cover up Clow UFO Base. How do you respond?

Rosenthal: I knew this couldn’t last. Well, you would think that if you want to cover up a UFO base, you would want fewer people in the community, not more. But if you had to have more people, you would want them to gather away from Clow. Like my policy to bring industry to the I-55 Corridor. That way, residents will focus their attention away from Clow.

Reporter: That makes sense. Plus, it’s a great way to bring alien products to the public by saying they were manufactured in Bolingbrook.

Rosenthal: I guess.

Reporter: Aren’t you worried that by bringing in industry, you’ll endanger the local farmers?

Rosenthal: Oh no. They can go together.

Reporter: Our sources say that Trustee Claar is concerned about the “shopping gap” that’s driving residents out of town to buy basic needs.

Rosenthal: Roger is a good friend, but I think he’s too obsessed with shopping. The future isn’t in strip malls but in independence.

Reporter: How so?

Rosenthal: Remember when gasoline was $1 a gallon.

Reporter: How could I forget? That’s why I voted for Ronald Reagan: So he could lower gas prices, cut my taxes, and increase defense spending -while cutting the budget to lower the deficit.

Rosenthal: (Chuckles) Reagan might be able to lower gas prices for a while, but eventually prices would go up. You know someday, gasoline could cost as much as $3 a gallon.

Reporter: Three dollars a gallon? That would cause economic chaos. That’s Mad Max type chaos.

Rosenthal: Exactly. When gas gets that high, Chicago’s leaders are going to start asking questions. Like why are we buying our corn from Iowa when we could be buying it from Bolingbrook at a better price?

Reporter: I see.

Rosenthal: So, our farmers will make lots of money feeding Chicago. Then they’ll want to buy things with their riches. By having most of our manufacturing in Bolingbrook, we’ll keep the money in Bolingbrook. The farmers will get good deals because they don’t have to import their goods from out of state. The non-farmers will have good-paying factory jobs, and the village will have a strong tax base. Now isn’t that a better investment than strip malls?

Reporter: Yes. It’s almost visionary!

Rosenthal: Thank you.

Reporter: Our sources are telling us that the village has been receiving messages from a thousand years into the future. Do you have any comments?

Rosenthal: No, but I’d be happy to listen to what they have to say.

Reporter: What if they’re hostile invaders?

Rosenthal: Then we’ll defend ourselves as best as we can from invaders from a thousand years in the future.

Reporter: But that’s not what I expected from you.

Rosenthal: I am a liberal, not a hippy.

Reporter: But–

(Sounds of small footsteps)

Rosenthal: We’ll have to wait a bit. I think the last part of our agreement is about to arrive.

(Rachel and her younger sister arrive.)

Rachel: (Whispers) Dad, (Name withheld) is annoying me.

Rosenthal: That’s what younger sisters are supposed to do. (Name withheld), come here.

(Youngest daughter shyly walks over to her dad.)

Rosenthal: (Points to the reporter) Do you see that man over there? That man works for the Babbler. They wrote that mean article about you. Now show daddy what you told mommy you were going to do.

(She walks up to the reporter and stares at him for a few seconds.)

Youngest Daughter: I AM NOT AN ADOPTED SPACE ALIEN!

(Kicks the reporter in the shins. Both daughters run away.)

Reporter: That hurt. Are you going to punisher her?

Rosenthal: I’ll get around to it, eventually. Right now, I’m savoring the moment.

In 1984, Rosenthal led Bolingbrook to victory in what would later be known as The Bolingbrook Time War. His bold leadership in the face of a technologically superior foe saved Bolingbrook from certain destruction. In the 31st century, he is hailed as a great liberator.

Though driven out of office when he tried to disguise the cost of an anti-UFO defense system as wallpaper for his office bathroom, Rosenthal is still a respected resident of Bolingbrook. It is as if the residents know Bolingbrook owes its continued existence to him.

Tomorrow: Every journey starts with a first step. Mayor Roger Claar invites the Babbler to watch him take his first steps towards becoming the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.

Few can argue about Bob Bailey’s dedication to Bolingbrook. He served on the Board of Trustees since Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. To date, he is the only resident to serve two non-consecutive terms as mayor. While critics called his expansion of Remington Blvd a “Road to Nowhere,” it helped spur industrial development in Southern Bolingbrook. The current Bolingbrook Town Center is named in his honor. Some say that if you listen very carefully, you can hear his ghostly footsteps as he wonders the hallways.

In the late 1970s, Bailey had a love-hate relationship with the Babbler throughout his career. He would call Babbler reporters “a bunch of liars” at board meetings, yet most of what we now know about Clow UFO base came from his leaks to the Babbler. Sources say he summoned the ghosts of journalists to create The Phantom Press.  Bailey wanted a publication to compete with the Babbler, he allegedly told his supporters. Yet, when those supporters urged him to have the Babbler removed from Old Chicago, he refused. Circulation of the Babbler at Old Chicago saved the Babbler from almost certain bankruptcy.

Though Bailey gave many insightful interviews with the Babbler, his first interview as mayor was marred by the Disco Fever Epidemic of 1978. 

(Content notice 2017: Depiction of sexual harassment by the reporter. Would not be tolerated today by any staff member.)

Mayor Bob Bailey goes disco!

By Reporter Quepasa

The phone rang at an ungodly hour.

“Why are you calling me at 1 PM. That’s wicked!”

“Keep cool, man. I’ve got a really hot tip, you know. So I had to wake you up, you know.”

“It had better be good, and not bogus.”

“There’s a VIP disco tonight at Old Chicago! Everyone who’s anyone in Bolingbrook is going to be there. They’ve set aside a special joint for the occasion!”

“Like no way!”

“Like way! It’s not open to the public, but I got tickets for you. If you wear your best threads they’ll let you in. Catch my drift?”

“I can dig it!”

After spending most of the afternoon enjoying the buzz from my primo coffee, I cleaned up and put on my best threads. I hopped into my car and pointed my car towards the dome.

By the time I got through the traffic on 53, it was nighttime. My source met me in the parking lot.

“The joint’s in the back.” He said as he handed me the tickets. “Be cool, and they’ll let you in.”

“This better not be bunk.” I told him.

“No way, man. This ticket is cool, you know.”

“I know.”

I walked through the front door and made my way back through the Kitschy shops. Who knew that back in the olden times, Chicago had indoor streets? As I strolled past the Chicago Loop, I had to pause. I don’t care what the so-called scientists said; they were using alien technology to keep passengers in those seats! Someday I would figure it out. But not tonight!

Once I snapped out of it, I made my way to the unassuming door marked, “Chemicals! Keep out!” I knocked. The door opened, and large man looked at me.

“What’s the password?”

“Pathways!”

“Not so loud!”

“Sorry man.”

“You can come in. Nice threads.”

I walked up the dimly lit stairs, towards the flickering lights above. When I reached the top, I saw the movers and shakers of Bolingbrook. All twenty of them. The trustees, the editors, the business leaders, and those who wanted to be around them. It was a trip! What brought these people together? I thought I knew.

I sat down and tugged on a waitress. I asked her for coffee.

“Large or small?”

“I don’t want a drink. I want COFFEE!”

“Large or small?”

“I WANT COFFEE!”

“Oh! We’re not into that here. You’d have to go to a Chicago joint for that.”

I cursed my squeaky clean village and its boring farmers. I order a stiff drink and slapped her on the butt. What was bringing all these powerful people here?

I got the lowdown soon enough. The dance floor lit up. The lights started to spin. The DJ spun the turntable, and the infectious groove crept into my brain. The pull was too much. I, along with the trustees and their spouses, were pulled onto the dance floor. My brain started telling my body how to get down. I couldn’t help myself, and I didn’t want this groove to end. I started going solo, but then a cute groupie chick joined me. I should have been taking photos with my hidden camera, but my mouth just wanted to talk jive to the cutie in front of me.

“Evacuate the dance floor!” Came a cry.

Four men in blue pounced onto the floor and then formed a large square. I thought I was on a high when I saw the four insanely FBI types do some synchronized moves on the dance floor.

Into the square, Mayor Bob Bailey and his wife swirled in.  Her flowing dress, and his stunning white suit, made me feel like I was having a flashback.

“Everyone feel the funk!” Exclaimed Bailey.

The music came over me even harder. My feet moved against my will, yet I couldn’t take my eye off of Bob Bailey. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Until he looked straight at me.

“I know you!”

My horror almost overwhelmed my desire to dance.

“Hustle on over here!” Exclaimed Bailey.

My legs danced to Bob before I could think about it.

He looked at his wife. “This man is with the Babbler.”

She greeted me before spinning on the floor.

“You’re here to watch us get down?” Asked Bailey.

My sense of duty came back to me. “Yeah! Can we talk while we get down?”

“Sure.” Said Bailey. “Your talking can’t stop the music. Nobody can stop the music!”

“Is it true that you’re trying to summon ghosts?”

“No comment,” Bailey said with an evil grin.

“Why?”

“Why would I summon the ghosts of reporters? You figure it out.”

The boogie overtook us for a few seconds. Then it became clear that this soul train of thought was going nowhere. That’s when I decided to go for it.

“Why do you want to build a road to nowhere?”

“Who says it’s a road to nowhere?”

“But there’s nothing there.”

“Nothing that you can see.”

“What does that mean?”

Bailey shook his head. “You’re with the Babbler. Think about it. I tell the world that I want factories there. I tell you there’s something there.”

Though I really needed my coffee, I could figure this out.

“There are invisible factories there?”

Bailey smiled. “There are cloaked factory ships there. We need to build the road so that we can get their products to market faster.”

“But won’t it look odd to have a four-lane road with no buildings?”

“You’re thinking small, man. We’ll put visible factories there to replace the cloaked ships. It will be cool.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know, man. That sounds like you’re trying to bring more people into Bolingbrook. Won’t that upset The Man?”

Bailey threw a cool dance move. “What’s The Man going to do? Get me involved in a bad deal, and then have the charges thrown out on appeal? Don’t worry. We’re cool with the powers that be.”

“But I–”

Bailey started moving his arms. “I can’t hear you right now. This is the extended dance mix!”

Suddenly, Steve Dahl rushed to the dance floor wearing stereo headphones.

“Disco is evil!” He screamed. “Look at what it’s doing to our sense of dignity and fashion!”

Before the Men in Blue could grab him, he flashed a penlight at Bailey and me. The boogie left my soul, and my head felt like it was coming down after a long night of drinking coffee.

As the Men in Blue dragged Dahl away, it looked like Bailey was having the same sensation I was.

“Why am I wearing this ugly outfit? Why am I dancing to this music? Why are my guards dancing?”

Bailey snapped his fingers, and the Men in Blue stood at attention.

“Don’t harm Steve,” Bailey said into the air. “I have a special mission for him.”

Bailey and his entourage marched off the dance floor.

I felt the need to go home and reconsider my life. Maybe even reconsider my coffee usage.

As I started towards the exit, I heard a man talking to his date, or maybe his wife.

“It is unacceptable that I have to go out of town to buy a fine polyester leisure suit.” He said. “I should be able to buy everything I need without leaving the village.”

“Maybe you should run for office.” Said the woman.

“It’s too expensive to run for office.  I would need to raise at least a thousand dollars to stand a chance.  Plus, the moment I say we need to replace cornfields with strip-malls, I’ll be labeled a foe of Bolingbrook.  Who wants to go through that?”

History says that a year later, Steve Dahl ended the disco epidemic with Disco Demolition Night. Though dance music came back in the 1990s, artists and producers worked to ensure that their music would never be as infectious as disco was.

We may never know if Dahl was acting under Bailey’s orders. If so, then perhaps we should be thankful that Bailey helped save the world from the disco apocalypse.

(2017: Though to be fair, some of the motivation behind the backlash against disco was homophobic and racist.)

As for Reporter Quepasa, he left the Babbler later in 1978 to find himself. When we last heard from him in 2006, he said he now had a personal relationship with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  He wanted to inspire young people to become pirates and to “Not make the same mistakes I made when I was young.”

Tomorrow: They said that as sure as disco would live forever, Jimmy Carter would free the hostages, and Edward Rosenthal would never be mayor of Bolingbrook.  Find out what happened after he defied the odds.