Out of character: I endorse Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United for the April 4 election

After decades, Bolingbrook residents have a choice of who to vote for mayor.  I’m going to step out of character for a bit and urge Bolingbrook’s residents to choose Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United over Mayor Roger Claar and Bolingbrook First on April 4.

While Claar can put on a friendly face in public when he’s with Bolingbrook residents, he’s not really a friend of the average Bolingbrook resident.  In 2015, the median household income was $77,929.  Yet, he spent taxpayer dollars on the following: 1) a luxury golf course that most residents don’t use, 2) a subdivision of McMansions that most residents can’t afford, and 3) an international airport that most residents can’t use.

Despite being mayor of a diverse community, Claar not only endorsed Donald Trump, but served as his delegate, helped organize a fundraiser for him, and defended him in the media.  Claar talks about diversity, but his support of Trump and his unwillingness to offer any resistance to Trump’s Muslim ban makes us question his current commitment.

Supporters may say that Bolingbrook is well run, but the truth is it runs well for Claar’s wealthy donors.  In 2009, the Chicago Tribune stated the following:

Nearly half of his donations came from companies and individuals who have done business with Bolingbrook. Those contributors received more than $300 million in village work — nearly 60 percent of the money that Bolingbrook spent on vendors over the last decade, the Tribune analysis shows.

Because of Claar’s decisions, the village now has over $300 million dollars in debt.  Relabeling it as “Visionary Investment” does not change that fact.

I do not believe in change for change’s sake.  The election of Donald Trump is proof of this.  I also understand that because someone opposes Claar, that does not mean they should be voted into office.  Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook was an example of this, with candidates who were exceptionally dishonest and delved into conspiracy theories about Claar.  Like claiming he hired someone to cause a car crash in hopes of killing one of their candidates.

I believe that Bolingbrook United’s candidates are competent and can bring about the changes Bolingbrook needs.  They have promised to end pay for play, stop automatic pay raises for elected officials, and only accept one salary from the village.  More importantly, they have promised to represent all of Bolingbrook’s diverse residents.  I think they can make these changes, and I will do my best to hold them accountable if they do not.

Eyewitnesses say President Obama canvassed for Bolingbrook United (Fiction)

File photo of President Obama.

File photo of President Obama.

Eyewitnesses say former President Barack Obama canvassed Bolingbrook for the Bolingbrook United party last weekend.

“I know that Rep. Bill Foster and Sen. Dick Durbin have campaigned for Bolingbrook United,” said a resident who wished to remain anonymous.  “Adding President Barack Obama is amazing!  It’s nice to have so much attention from around the country”.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that Obama knocked on his door.

“I answered and said that I loved him and voted for him every time.  He smiled and said, ‘I love you too, and I would love for you to vote for Bob Jaskiewicz, Mary Helen Reyna, and Terri Ransom, for Bolingbrook Village trustees!’  I didn’t know who they were, but I was going to vote for them!”

Blake, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he panicked when Obama knocked on his door.

“I thought he was finally coming for my guns.  So I unlocked my gun room and yelled that he couldn’t have my guns and my ammo.  I still can’t believe what he said.  ‘I didn’t want your guns then, and I don’t want them now.  I just want you to vote for Jamie Olson for Village Clerk.  She’ll make sure your property tax dollars aren’t wasted so you’ll have money to buy more guns.’  I told them to go away.  Who should I trust?  Obama or superfreedompatriots.com.co.ru?”

Jane, who asked that we not use her last name, cried when she answered the door for Obama.

“I told him that I did a terrible thing.  I voted for President Trump, and I felt like no one would ever forgive me.  I can’t even forgive myself.  I told him that I never should have listened to (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  Obama was so kind.  He said that he had read all the articles explaining why people voted for Trump.  He said he could forgive me, but I would have to listen to his story first.  He told me about the night of the 2008 New Hampshire primary.  He had just lost to Hillary Clinton and things looked hopeless.  However, he knew that there was still a chance as long as his supporters stuck with him.  So he told them:  ‘Yes, we can.’  The rest is history”.

“Then he smiled at me.  ‘For these challenging times, I have a new message:  Yes you can.  Yes, you can reject Donald Trump.  Yes, you can turn away from Roger.  Yes, you can walk the path of redemption. The first step is to vote for my friend Jackie Traynere for mayor.  Can you do it?’  I said yes I can.  He made me say it again.  Then he asked, ‘Will you do it?’  I replied, yes I will!  Wow!  Why was ever a member of the tea party?”

A spokeswoman for Bolingbrook United neither confirmed nor denied that Obama canvassed for them over the weekend.  She did encourage Bolingbrook residents to vote early, “but not often.”  Voters can also vote on election day, which is April, 4.

Claar did not respond to an interview request. However, his receptionist promised that he was working on securing “big names” to campaign for him during the final weeks.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not sure if you can help me. ”

A man replied, “You don’t want to misunderestimate me!  They said I wouldn’t win a second term and then they said I would go down in history as the worst president ever.  Look at me now!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook cracks downs on witches and wizards
Court: Bolingbrook First, not Roger Claar Party, represents Mayor Claar
Trump promises to visit Bolingbrook Golf Club again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/17

We get letters: March 21, 2017 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Hello, and let me introduce myself to our new fans at FreethoughtBlogs.  I’m Doug Fields, the Reader’s Editor for the Bolingbrook Babbler.  My job is to read your letters to the Babbler, and offer my editorial feedback.

Since we moved the website to FtB back in January, most of the letters we’ve received have been positive. For example, this one:

To the Editor:

I love the new blog network you guys joined.  I thought it was going to boring atheists.  Instead, you’re on a network with Yemisi Ilesanmi, a real Nigerian!  I’m pretty sure Pervert Justice is a public service site!  Odgraphix must be a decoding site.  I can’t wait to read the anti-squirrel blog!  Not to mention Thoughts of Crys, which must be an atheist psychic blog!  The only boring blog is by PZ Myers.  He must be the least popular blogger here.  He needs to stop obsessing over shellfish and creationists!

Keep up the good work, and keep those other bloggers on their toes with your quality reporting!

Pauline X. Melvin
Bolingbrook, IL

Glad you like our fellow writers, though none of us here would call PZ boring.

Since it is election season, we’ve gotten our share of political posts, like this one:

To the Editor:

Your pro-Bolingbrook United bias is incredible!  Who pays you to write these articles?  George Soros?

Do you know that not all of Jackie Traynere’s s donors are from Bolingbrook?  Some of them are from Cook County!  Some of them are from unions! She’s even held campaign events outside of Bolingbrook.  Plus she’s a Democrat! We all know what kind of Democrats come out of Cook County!  One of their prominent leaders has even spoken at her events!

I want to vote for a candidate who only campaigns in Bolingbrook, only accepts donations from Bolingbrook residents, and has no party affiliation!  That’s why I’m not voting for Jackie!

John M. Smith
Bolingbrook, IL

Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you’re not voting for Mayor Roger Claar either.  He’s also received donations from Cook County, as well as Georgia, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and other states.  Unions have donated to his fund.  He’s also held campaign events in Chicago, California, and other states. Not only is he a member of the Republican Party, he’s also the 11th district Republican State Central Committeeman. Not to mention that he was also a delegate and fundraiser for Donald Trump.

For that matter, are you sure that the PAC that’s been mailing anti-Jackie flyers gets all its funding from Bolingbrook?

We also received several letters that were written in a similar style.  The mystery was solved when someone sent us this unedited form letter:

To the Editor:

There are three truths that every skeptic must accept.  (Choose two: a) Homeopathy doesn’t work. b) Chiropractors are dangerous. c) Mediums are cold readers. d) Evolution is real), and (Choose one: a) Social Justice is oppressive. b) Rejecting evolutionary psychology is rejecting science! c) Cultural Marxists are taking over our culture! d) Ayn Rand is the only true prophet. e) Men are oppressed by women!)

If you do not accept these facts, you (Choose one. a) will be responsible for the next dark age. b) are as evil as PZ Myers. d) will be a slave to Rebecca Watson e) will be destroyed by Donald Trump)

From the ashes of (Atheism+, radical feminism, or sociology), skepticism will arise again and lead us to the stars!

Your name here
Bolingbrook, IL

Finally, we’ll end with this letter.

To the Editor:

Like many feminists, I’m critical of the social construct of gender.  Yet so many of my feminist friends lose their minds when they talk about transpeople.  They become convinced that biology is perfect, and that reproductive organs determine your gender identity.

Enough!  There is no God and nature is not perfect.  Be the gender your brain says you are, not the gender society and activists demand you be.  That is the ultimate freedom!

As for the claim that you can’t tell what a person is thinking, that argument was used against gay people years ago.  How can you tell that the lesbian sitting next to you is not really a heterosexual woman appropriating lesbian culture?  How can you tell if someone is claiming to  be gay because they think it will help them keep their job?

We can’t be 100 percent sure, but we trust gay people to tell the truth.  That should include transpeople as well!

Jill X. Sheridan (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist)
Chicago, IL

Also in the Babbler:

CFI’s feline fellows protest visit to the vet
New World Order: Trump under alien control
Sources say: Claar considers building coal plant in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/17

Web Exclusive: Weredeer and Minnesota Talking Land Squids clash over ‘Bolingbrook United’ yard signs (Fiction)

Knocked over signs

Did weredeer attack these signs? (Photo from Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs warned that Weredeer and wondering Minnesota Talking Land Squids are currently fighting over yard signs for the Bolingbrook United party.

“All residents should use caution before putting up any political yard signs, especially signs from the Bolingbrook United party,” read the department’s press release.

According to eyewitnesses, feral weredeer are venturing into Bolingbrook and are tearing down yard signs or removing them completely.  Some folks have witnessed Minnesota Talking Land Squids defending the signs.

Paige, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that she saw a brawl between the two:

“It was terrible!  There are weredeer being suffocated by the squids and weredeer using their claws to slice up the squids.  It all started when one weredeer pulled up a sign.  I’ve never seen such violence before!  Let me tell you, I’m never eating sushi or venison again!”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have been accosted by a land squid:

“Honestly, I just wanted a closer look at the Bolingbrook United sign.  Because— Anyway, this squid walked up to me.  I was shocked, but maybe I shouldn’t have been because I read the Babbler.  Anyway, it said, ‘Hello sir.  I see we share the same interest in this party of social justice.  I sincerely hope you weren’t planning on touching this wonderful sign. I would feel really bad if every bone in your body was crushed and your eyes ended up on my suckers.  You know what I mean?’  I ran away and called the cops.  They didn’t do anything except tell me not to put up ‘Bolingbrook United’ signs in my yard.”

Stacy claims to have met a weredeer while putting up her signs:

“There was this guy who was wearing shorts, and had his shirt on backwards.  He walked up to me as I finished putting up my sign.  He then started insulting my looks and said I knew I was ugly because I was voting for Bolingbrook United.  You won’t believe how he followed up.  ‘If (Mayor Roger Claar) is re-elected, my fellow weredeer will be allowed back into Bolingbrook.  We’ll even be allowed to use our new PUA techniques on human women.  We can only mate with humans and deer, and we’ve been forbidden form mating with humans for so long.  We can’t wait to replenish our human bloodlines!  If you take down those signs, I will consider mating with you in my warder form, even if I find you ugly!  You do know that I am a nice weredeer, right?’  I just sprayed him with pepper spray and ran back into the house.”

Stacy says the police couldn’t find the alleged weredeer, but did ask her to take her signs “for her protection.”

“I said no!  Take away the weredeer who are harassing the opposition instead!  Don’t take away my freedom to tell the world that Roger needs to be fired!  He’s had decades to get rid of the weredeer, and instead he’s enlisting them to do his dirty work!”

The Weredeer Union of Bolingbrook released the following statement: “Not all weredeer are misogynists who vandalize campaign signs.  A few of us support Bolingbrook United and hope they will represent all residents, and not just campaign donors.”

Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook First could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Mr. Harris, if I let you endorse me, what will you say?”

Mr. Harris: “Roger is a strong but compassionate man who has to deal with a growing Muslim population in his village.  In Israel, the security forces have bulldozed some Muslims’ homes.  It could be that Israel is mean.  It could also be that their homes are too dangerous to keep standing.  If we want to keep Bolingbrook safe, we have to consider destroying all Muslim homes and their mosque in Bolingbrook.  It’s horrific for Westerners to think about, but we have to think about it, but not necessarily do it.  Instead it may be more appropriate to conduct random enhanced interrogations of all Bolingbrook Muslim residents.  Maybe not?  All we can say for sure is that these questions will challenge any thought leader.  The Regressive Left has no leaders or thinkers. Roger is a leader and a thinker.  So I am proud to endorse him for mayor,  If I am correct about him.”

Roger: “Impressive.  Have you ever considered running for office?”

Space aliens enjoy debate between Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar and Jackie Traynere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar, the incumbent, and Will County Board member Jackie Traynere engaged in a spirited debate at Clow UFO Base. Moderated by the Priory of Sion, Claar, who is aligned with the Illuminati, and Traynere, who is aligned with the New World Order, faced off in a town hall style debate.  It was their only scheduled debate before the April 4 election.

Before the debate began, Lesser Master Robert Gonzaga explained that while extraterrestrials will not be allowed to vote, the winner of the election will be the next administrator.  “One of these candidates represents the future of Clow UFO Base.  Will the New World Order reclaim this base, or will the Illuminati remain?”

Claar started by claiming to be an “independent Republican.”

“As my opponent won’t let you forget, I publicly supported Donald Trump while other Illinois Mayors were afraid to speak up.  She called it a betrayal of Bolingbrook.  I call it independence!  I remember many years ago, my advisors told not to spend taxpayer dollars to build a high-end golf club and an expensive housing development.  I didn’t listen them, and today we have the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and Americana Estates.  When the Illuminati said I should say, ‘Fnord’ at the end of my speeches, I said, ‘Ford’ because I know the ‘n’ is silent!”

Traynere stated that she too is an independent Democrat.  “When the Illinois Democratic Party wanted me to support Hillary Clinton, I decided to Support Bernie Sanders instead.  After the primary, the Bernie or Bust people tired to pressure me into joining them.  Instead I supported Hillary, and the Democratic Party, because I knew it was time to come together. Now, more than ever, Bolingbrook needs to come together.  To paraphrase a famous actor, Trump will not divide us!”

During the first question and answer session, many aliens asked about Clow’s new restrictions for gaining off-base visitor’s passes.  Others complained that the Illuminati’s new rules are making it almost impossible to exchange information with local human businesses.

Claar dismissed both of those concerns. “There are only two choices!  We can either have tightly controlled immigration to Clow, or we can have no forcefields and let every one in.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see Bolingbrook residents eaten because of bleeding heart liberal policies!”

Traynere disagreed. “There is a middle way that allows for economic growth while protecting our secrets.  That way is following the sensible polices of the New World Order that served Clow so well for decades.”

Claar, in a departure from his positive campaigning, attacked Traynere’s political affiliations.  “If she wins, the corrupt Cook County Democrat party will take over.  You talk about Bolingbrook’s debt.  How about the debt Chicago has?  A debt created by your party!”

Traynere shook her head.  “You should know better, Roger.  That would be like me taking credit for California’s success under the Democrats, and blaming you for Kansas’ disastrous policies under the Republicans.”

During the second question and answer session, Qua, an alien, said that Claar also serves as Bolingbrook’s Liquor and Tobacco commissioner.  She asked if both candidates would appoint someone else to run those offices.  Traynere said yes.  Claar said an unprintable phrase.

Another alien asked both candidates how they intended to deal with Bolingbrook’s public debt.  Traynere said she would look into transferring part of Bolingbrook’s covert funds into public accounts. Claar was more blunt.

“Let me tell you a secret!  The only time Republicans give a damn about the debt is when a Democrat is in charge.  Just look at the Reagan administration!”

After two hours, both candidates gave their closing remarks.

Claar started talking about “real culture appropriation” before closing his notes.  “I don’t need help from Steve Bannon.  Look, its simple.  I don’t care what the residents of Bolingbrook look like, just as long as they keep electing me mayor.  As long as any resident doesn’t inconvenience me or President Trump, they can stay in my village.  Oh, and if you’re one of those people who believes in a diverse Bolingbrook, you can attend my Diversity Rally/Fundraiser on March 9.  Tickets are only $5.  Ford!”

Traynere talked about respecting the diversity of the community, and her commitment to supporting economic growth in Bolingbrook.  “Before the split, the Illuminati’s greatest creation was the United States of America.  The founding fathers selected a motto for the new country.  ‘E pluribus unum.’  ‘From many, one’.  To me, that’s also a fitting description of Bolingbrook.  From many backgrounds and cultures, we gather together to become one village.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies meeting with Russian ambassador
Extraterrestrials caught stealing Jackie Traynere’s yard signs
Martian Colonies close down Clow consulate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/17.

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base locked down after invisible alien protest (Fiction)

End the Roger Claar Dictatorship

Photo of an alien protest sign?

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar ordered a lockdown of Clow UFO Base after invisible aliens picketed in front of his re-election campaign office.

Claar made the announcement over the intercom: “All off-base passes are revoked for visitors.  All abductions are suspended.  No one gets a lawyer.  You are guilty until I say you are innocent! This is not a democracy!  This is my UFO base, and you do not protest me.  Ever!  You must follow my dictates for I am the mayor of Bolingbrook and a very important member of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

The protest started when Claar announced that all human disguises must be bought from the Melania Trump store, and be decorated with Ivanka Trump clothing.  Some aliens tried to attend a protest organized by Vote Roger Out in 2017, but they did not see any human protesters.

Okblogok decided to take matters into its’ own appendages.  “If you want a protest done right, you have to organize it yourself.”  “It” discovered that Clow had no rule against invisible nude aliens leaving the base, as long as they had a pass.  Okblogok claims to have gathered 100 aliens at one of the exits.  “It” then lead a two hour march to the campaign headquarters of Claar’s political party, Bolingbrook First.  Along the way, the aliens sang protest songs, and said chants, like “Breathe Fresh Air!  Don’t vote Claar!”

“I used to laugh at human protesters whenever they made noises.” said Okblogok.  “Now I understand why.  It gives the participants something to do, and makes them feel like part of a larger group.”

Though no humans claim to have seen the march, Ron, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have felt them.

“I was walking down the sidewalk when I bumped into something.  After I paused, something else bumped into me.  That kept happening.  So I sat down on the grass since I thought I was having an acid flashback.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up from a nap, and the Bolingbrook Police were about to arrest me.”

Once the aliens arrived, they used an ultrahigh frequency bullhorn to call out expenditures from Claar’s campaign fund.  Most humans could not hear the aliens, but Okblogok was certain Claar and his covert employees could hear them.

“$159.88 for lunch in California?”  one protestor asked.  “You do realize that California residents can’t vote for you, right?”

Another chimed in:  “You have over $500,000 in your campaign fund.  Why aren’t you paying all of your campaign staffers?  I’ll bet Bolingbrook United has more paid staff members than you!”

Bob Langley, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base, said that the ban will be lifted, “Once we know exactly what’s going on.”  He added, “This protest was unhygienic, and if any of the invisibility cloaks had failed…. Well, it could have lead to a very embarrassing situation.”

When this reporter tried to call Claar, his receptionist said he was taking a very important phone call, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Democrats in Cook County are hosting a fundraiser for my opponent.  Can you persuade Donald Trump to help me out? Yes, Bolingbrook does have an Islamic cultural center.  We even celebrate Pakistan Day.  Um, Are you OK, Steve?  It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone do a diabolical laugh in real life.”

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook United and other parties respond to the 2017 State of the Village speech (Mixed)

Each year, we ask all of Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s annual State of the Village address.  For the first time in years, we received a response from a party that’s actually on the ballet, Bolingbrook United.  We also received responses from The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, Our Party, and the Skepchick Party.

Bolingbrook United

(Out of character:  The statement from the Bolingbrook United Party is real and unedited.)

Bolingbrook Babbler,

Thank you for the opportunity to address your readers regarding the Mayor’s 2017 State of the Village address.

Unity, community and transparency, these are the core values of our party and they are the characteristics we plan to bring to Bolingbrook Village government.  For far too long our local government leaders have drifted from these values as they have cut special deals for the well connected (such as a $350,000 break on rent for the owner of the ice arena), ostracized members of our community (by holding a Donald Trump fundraiser at a Village owned facility) and misrepresented and hid information from residents.  They claim they are transparent but they fail to post salary information regarding Village employees, a requirement under state law.

While many community and business leaders were present at the State of the Village address last week, the ticket price of $70 to attend alone put the event beyond the reach of many residents and the fact that it is held in the middle of the day when most people work makes the event inaccessible for the average person.  Those who attended were able to hear a summary from the mayor about things that the Village has accomplished over the course of his political career (which was atypical for a State of the Village address) and about what is planned for 2017. In addition, Mr. Claar spent a substantial amount of time reacting to those critical of him and responding to sentiments and articles found on a Facebook page called “Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.” Contrary to Mr. Claar’s assertions, the Bolingbrook United candidates have nothing to do with the “Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017” Facebook page and do not endorse it.  Moreover, we found it odd that a 30-year politician would do this when the event was intended to be about the Village, NOT his campaign.

What was glaringly missing was any substance regarding the massive debt incurred under Mr. Claar’s leadership (currently $313,450,000) and how he plans to deal with it.  Unfortunately, and in accordance with the response to a FOIA request we received yesterday, we now know why he failed to address it—there is no plan.  The Village, facing more debt than Naperville’s 162 million and Romeoville’s 89 million combined, has never approved a formal or informal plan to pay back that debt.  The Village also lacks any strategic plan for the future.  In the meantime, our bond ratings continue to drop costing millions more in interest payments from residents while our mayor draws three salaries totaling over $142,000, plus benefits, and has guaranteed salary increases during his political employment.

We love Bolingbrook and all that it offers.  Residents and businesses have worked tirelessly to develop and improve upon our Village.

As we move forward we believe Village government should care for all residents, not just the well connected. It should never alienate members of the community as it has.  We believe Village government should always serve the people – not the other way around.  We also believe the Village government should plan for the future and stop using the Village credit card to run up debt without any plan to pay it off.

Bolingbrook United
http://www.bolingbrookunited.com

[Read more…]

Russian operatives canvas for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Unaffected by the cold weather, dozens of Russian operatives descended upon Bolingbrook to canvas for Mayor Roger Claar’s re-election campaign.

Their coordinator, who asked to be called Albert, insisted that they were there without Claar’s knowledge, but were sure he would appreciate their help.  They cited the Trump fundraiser Claar organized for then candidate Donald Trump as the reason for supporting him. “Roger helped our candidate Trump win.  That makes Roger our friend.  We will help our friend win in return.”  They said they were not trying to “hack the election“, but provide “positive information about Roger and the Keeping Bolingbrook First Party, while providing unflattering information about Jackie Traynere, and Bolingbrook United.”

Albert allowed the Babbler’s reporters to accompany his team as they canvassed Bolingbrook.  Each team seemed to have information about each household they visited.  Albert insisted the information wasn’t from state-sponsored hacking but from Facebook Quizzes that all residents knowingly took.

At one house, a canvasser called Anna, introduced herself and asked, “You like Bolingbrook, yes?”

The resident replied, “Yes.  I’ve lived here for over thirty years, and it’s never been better.”

“Keeping Bolingbrook First made that possible.  You want to keep Bolingbrook first, right?”

“Absolutely.  I will vote to keep to keep Bolingbrook first.”

Next door, Igor introduced himself and said, “Bolingbrook hasn’t been good lately, no?”

The resident replied, “No.  I’ve lived here most of my life, and it’s changed too much.  It seems like there are too many Section 8 residents, if you know what I mean.”

“What if I told you that that Jackie is the mayor of Bolingbrook—“

“Lock her up!  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what came over me.”

“No problem.  What if I told you that Roger wants to be mayor so he can put Bolingbrook first?”

“Roger?  I like the sound of that name, if you know what I mean.”

At another home, a resident, who asked only to be identified as Jane, insisted that she couldn’t vote for Claar.

“He uses his campaign fund to supplement his lifestyle and rewards many of his donors with village contracts!  He’s also running up our debt.  I can’t vote for him!”

Ana replied.  “But Jackie does not support using village funds to give every resident a universal income.   She won’t provide universal health care to all village residents.  She won’t ban all cars from Bolingbrook.  She’s never called for a workers’ uprising!”

“(Expletive deleted)!  If Jackie won’t give me exactly what I want, then I won’t vote for anyone!”  She slammed the door.

“We are happy with that.”  Ana replied.

Albert defended his team’s tactics.  “We give you good news, and Bolingbrook does not question good news.  You follow strong mayor who follows strong President who follows strong Putin.  You will be rewarded.  Question good news and you will end up like Hillary Clinton.”

In addition to canvassing for Claar, Albert said that Russia will launch two “pro-Roger” websites:  Roger Today and Explorer 1.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was doing a teleconference with the White House, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t like the media either, but I don’t know if using this foreign word will help us.”

Bolingbrook United could not be reached for comment.

Also in this week’s Babbler:

Chicagoland braces for Soviet Ice Attack
Sources:  No Trump Tower in Bolingbrook
Aliens leaving Bolingbrook ahead of Trump inauguration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/17.