Center for Inquiry and Richard Dawkins filming ‘The Sound of Reason’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

The only movie production still operating in the United States is currently shooting scenes in Bolingbrook. Currently titled The Sound of Reason, controversial Professor Richard Dawkins and the equally controversial Center for Inquiry are producing what they claim will be the atheist version of The Sound of Freedom.

Said a production manager, who asked not to be identified, “If you can’t beat them, copy them. They’re not the only ones who can make vile accusations against our opponents.”

The movie is about a young British Home Office employee named Richard who uncovers a sinister cabal planning to infect a mind virus on the Western World. When his supervisor, Peter Zed, threatens to reprimand Richard for his dangerous ideas, Richard resigns and sets out to stop the “Broke” mind virus.

Because most of the actors are British, and most of the scenes are being filmed in Oxford, UK, The Sound of Reason is exempt from the SAG/SWG strike. CFI, according to sources, insisted on filming part of the movie in the United States. The production, however, does not have a permit from the Village of Bolingbrook. As a result, the crew film at night with hidden cameras.

Paul X. Cooper, a Bolingbrook resident, claims the crew drafted him into being an extra. “Some guy handed me a $100 and told me to watch the actors and pretend to be offended. When they said Christianity was a symptom of the Broke Mind Virus, I didn’t need to act offend. I was offended.”

According to a source within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta refused to grant a film permit. The sources claim she objected to this scene that was going to be filmed in front of the Bolingbrook Community Center. The sources provided a copy of the scene.

Richard: It’s hideous the way they infect children with the Broke Mind Virus. Parents are fooled into sending their children into special schools, where they are groomed to accept the mind infection.

Average American character to be named later: That’s terrible! Who should I shoot first?

Richard: But that’s not the worst part?

Average: It’s not?

Richard: The worst part is what they do to the children who resist the virus. They’re labeled “At Risk Youth” and forced to attend special sessions where infectors devise individual behavior modification programs for each sweet, innocent little child. Once infected with the Broke Mind Virus at such a young age, the condition is almost incurable!

Average: Outrageous! I must jump on social media and post about the radical gender identity cultural Marxists!

Richard: Gender identity? No. I’m talking about delusional religious leaders. 

Alexander-Basta denied meeting with a film crew. She urged all residents to remain calm during the strike. “There’s lots of content on the streaming platforms. HBO can revive all the programs they pulled. But in the unlikely event you finish watching all the platforms, we have lots of books you can check out at the library.”

A spokesperson for CFI denied they were producing a movie. The spokesperson started crying and said, “I survived Covid only to be interviewed by the Babbler. There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Richard Dawkins said, “My Twitter feed isn’t what it used to be. How will you fix it?”

A man who sounded like Elon Musk said, “I will come up with something and it will work because I’m a billionaire!”

Also in the Babbler

Chicagoland survives Russian tornado attack
Fire elementals devastate Canada
Gender critical feminists attack person critical of gender
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.

Even slime doesn’t last (Non-fiction)

As PZ mentioned, the Slymepit, a relic from Elevatorgate, gave up the ghost. Before Gamergate, they were pioneering crowdsourced harassment and disinformation. Their targets included Rebecca Watson, PZ, Surly Amy, and too many other advocating social justice within atheist and skeptical organizations. That included the organizers of Atheism+, an attempt to form a progressive secular organization. Slympitters twisted the term “Atheism+” in the same way Republicans twisted the term “Woke” today.

According to RationalWiki, the Slymepit moved on to other targets after Elevatorgate:

In 2020, the Slymepit raged against vaccination and in support of the Taliban. In 2022, the Slymepit enthusiastically supports Vladimir Putin and his attack on Ukraine, heaping praise on the “denazification” goals of the attack, and mocking the suffering of the Ukrainian people. Commonly posted memes compare Ukrainian women and children, including infants, to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, mocking both for their fears of sexual assault while excusing or even glorifying the assailants, openly praising the equivalences between the two groups. It is almost as bad as before 2020, when posters to the Slymepit explicitly endorsed misogyny, slavery, Richard Dawkins, and genocide.

They only noticed me once, and that was before I joined FTB. They didn’t know what to make of a Babbler psychic prediction that one of their members would convert to Catholicism, promptly get excommunicated, and ending up sending 95 tweets to the Pope. They decided to move on instead of bothering me. It’s probably just as well that they never noticed my first novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story. The character Marty would have loved posting there. I’m also sure Trevor would have been a guest on a certain someone’s YouTube channel.

Unfortunately, the bigotry behind the Slymepit lives on through Trumpism, groups like the Proud Boys, and the transgender panic. There will also be atheists who will choose to work with oppressors rather than similar marginalized groups. Their only concern with Christian Nationalism is the “Christian” part.

There will also be atheists that strive to create positive changes. Even the American Humanist Association and American Atheists have tried to become more diverse organizations. Anti-harassment policies are the norm now. The Slymepit caused real harm to progressive atheists, but it didn’t kill the ideas.

The fight for social justice in the world is far from over. But, for now, I’ll enjoy knowing that Freethought Blogs is still around while the Slymepit is history.

Atheist ‘missionaries’ arrive to ‘help’ DuPage Township residents (Fiction)

Members of the Freedom From Religion claim they are in DuPage Township not to de-convert residents, but to provide “humanitarian aid.”

Head ‘missionary’ Ron X. McPatrick explained, “Once again, religious strife is tearing DuPage Township apart. We couldn’t standby and watch innocent victims suffer while religious wage a war of attrition against the democratically elected board. As members of the FFRF, and fans of Freethought Blogs, we’re on a mission!”

Several residents claim the “missionaries” visited them.

Janet, who refused to provide her last name, said they surprised her with groceries.

“They must have heard I have a hard time going to the township food bank. That place isn’t accessible. So imagine my surprise when they arrived at my front door with boxes of food, medicine, and other necessities. Those fine people spent hours packing these care boxes in Wisconsin and delivered to me. They could have supported our local businesses by shopping here, but I’m not complaining. They didn’t ask me for anything. Well, they ask me to stop going to church, but I’ll forgive them.”

Steve, another township resident, claims the “missionaries” worked on his yard. “With this weird weather, I wasn’t sure what to do with the yard. Then these young people offered to work on my yard for free. It was great, though one of them insisted I read PZ Myers’s blog. Let’s just say I learned a lot about terrible religious and atheist leaders. Oh, and I love spiders now.”

David, a “missionary” from the United Kingdom, described getting attacked while delivering aid boxes:

“This woman drove up to me and yelled that I was giving a family too much food. I asked if she was serious. She said yes and ranted about the evils of building a food pantry in Bolingbrook. I tried to walk away, but she followed me, and said I should accept Jesus Christ because there is a God. I told her there is no God, but there is a Richard Dawkins, and that she was insignificant in his eyes. That must have smarted because she replied, ‘Jesus loves you.’ I told her, ‘I know what that means. Same to you.’”

When asked what they meant by “war” in DuPage Township, they all claimed the answer was obvious, but didn’t provide specific examples.

A representative for the FFRF denied sending anyone to DuPage Township, denied responsibility for the missionaries’ actions.

A statement from Americans against DuPage Township read, “Sure, one of our supporters called (Township Trustee Reem Townsend) a ‘suicide bomber,’. But if DuPage Township didn’t exist, there wouldn’t have been an annual meeting and he wouldn’t have insulted her! Checkmate townshipper.”

When asked to comment about the “missionaries,” Supervisor Gary Marschke replied, “They’re welcome to help our residents, but don’t call our township a war zone.”

Also in the Babbler:

Time traveler praises The Marvels movie
Russian weather machine targets Bolingbrook again
Bolingbrook mayor survives diamond storm on during interstellar goodwill tour
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s Shocking Predictions for 2023! (Fiction)

Elon Musk

Will 2023 be a worse year for Elon Musk than 2022? (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

Our council of psychics nailed their predictions for 2022. Sen. Joe Manchin didn’t support the Build Back Better plan. Elon Musk suffered a disaster, and The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story was the top selling Urban Fantasy/Sci-Book set in Bolingbrook that didn’t mention Drew Peterson.

While Bolingbrook police officers didn’t stage a coup, we believe Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta read our psychics prediction and decided not to fly the Thin Bread Crust flag.

So armed with these successes, we’re proud to announce our council of psychics shocking predictions for 2023!

Mayor Alexander-Basta will announce that she will use an AI to “supplement” Bolingbrook’s current managers. Trustee Michael Carpanzano will hail the AI as an example of the “Bold, forward thinking that puts Bolingbrook first!” However, the AI will be shut down with no explanation. Anonymous sources will claim the AI’s advice amounted to “raising taxes and abolishing all villages services.”

J. K. Rowling will tweet, “Because the Y Chromosome is defective, all men should be imprisoned!” She will then release a 10,000-page novel in which the female protagonist discovers space aliens created men to stunt humanity’s progress. Professor Richard Dawkins will continue to defend her right to free speech, but add, “Yes, the Y Chromosome is a defective X Chromosome, but that doesn’t mean all men should be imprisoned. Only some men should be imprisoned, and I know I’m not one of them.” Her sales will plummet but then recover when she tweets that she’s being “canceled.”

Congress will debate a bill to ban TikTok in the United States become of the company’s connection to China. Supporters of the ban will claim it TikTok is being used to steal personal information from US Citizens.

An anonymous Chinese official will deny that the Chinese Government uses TikTok to spy on US Citizens.

“We wanted to create an app that would cause Americans to humiliate themselves willingly on the Internet. That’s the real goal of the algorithm. Though we’re pleasantly surprised by the success of #Booktok. When the time is right, we’ll use it to promote the Little Red Book 2.0.”

The Bolingbrook Village Board election will heat up when a First Party for Bolingbrook candidate is overheard praying for God to bring Bolingbrook Independent Party candidate Sheldon Watts “home.” When asked about the controversy, Alexander-Basta will reply, “I think Sheldon will need God to take him home after the voters declare their independence from him.”

Freethought Blogs member Abe Drayton will publish the best-selling Sci-Fi novel of 2023.

A judge in downstate Illinois will rule that the Democratic Party’s existence violates the state constitution and will order all elected Democratic officials to resign or face arrest.”

In his ruling, the judge will write: “Let’s be honest. There’s no way this ruling will survive an appeal. But it will secure lots of Republican votes when I’m up for reelection.”

The Edgar County Watchdogs will travel around Illinois demanding the resignation of all Democrats. An official will ask if a judge ordered the Edgar County Watchdogs to jump off a bridge, would they jump?

One member will say no because they know more about Illinois’s laws than any lawyer or judge in the state.

Elon Musk will insist on piloting Starship on its first orbital flight. At first, the mission goes so well, humanity will almost forgive him for bankrupting Twitter. Just before landing Starship, Musk will announce, “The technology that will guide my ship to a safe landing is the same auto-pilot technology used in Teslas.”

That turns out to be Musk’s final sentence. Starship will crash into the launch tower, killing Musk. An investigation will determine that the autopilot detected the ground but decided it didn’t need to stop because no one important would die in a crash.

Space X and Tesla stocks will plummet, and Musk’s fans will insist he faked his death to “trigger the libs.” Alleged photos of Musk alive and in hiding will circulate for centuries.

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year, from the Staff of the Babbler
Clow UFO Base bans high stakes dreidel games.
Bolingbrook resident revived from suspended animation to receive COVID treatment
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.

 I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books.

CFI should have titled it: We are the only identity that matters (Non-fiction)

Robyn E. Blumner, the CEO of the Center for Inquiry, is writing clickbait–I mean  is now worried about “Identitarianism.”

Just at a time when it is essential for all of us to come together to work arm-in-arm against Christian Nationalism and the rise of religious privilege in law, humanism is facing a schism within its own movement. It is heartbreaking to watch and even more disheartening to know that the continued breach seems destined to grow.

It’s nice of her to finally notice the “deep rifts” within organized atheism that became a public issue with Richard Dawkin’s 2011 “Dear Muslima” comment. The same Richard Dawkins that worked to get Rebecca Watson blacklisted from atheist conventions by saying he wouldn’t speak at the same convention she was speaking at. She’s also the CEO of the same organization that forced Paul Fidalgo to stop blogging at Freethought Blogs. And I could go on.

Instead of using her position to try and heal the rift, she writes an editorial skipping the “both sides are wrong” argument and pretty much advocates silencing pro-social justice humanists in the name of free speech. Most of the editorial consists of attacking strawmen. One of the two examples she uses is The American Humanist Association’s 2021 decision to revoke Richard Dawkin’s 1996 Humanist of the Year Award.

The man who has done more than anyone alive to advance evolutionary biology and the public’s understanding of that science, who has brought the light of atheism to millions of people, and whose vociferous opposition to Donald Trump and Brexit certainly must have burnished his liberal cred became radioactive because of one tweet on transgender issues that the AHA didn’t like.

Transgender issues might be trivial to Robyn and Richard, but they’re a matter of life and death for others. Still, the statement from AHA clearly stated that there were other issues besides the tweet that led them to revoke the honor:

Regrettably, Richard Dawkins has over the past several years accumulated a history of making statements that use the guise of scientific discourse to demean marginalized groups, an approach antithetical to humanist values. His latest statement implies that the identities of transgender individuals are fraudulent, while also simultaneously attacking Black identity as one that can be assumed when convenient. His subsequent attempts at clarification are inadequate and convey neither sensitivity nor sincerity.

I used to be a member of CFI, but I left when I realized they were heading in the wrong direction. Robyn’s editorial only affirms my decision. Especially when she invokes the civil rights movement. Honestly, if this incarnation of CFI was around during the civil rights era, I imagine they would have sided with the secular segregationists and called the movement a religious plot to destroy freedom of association.

Note: All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter

Atheist ‘Mockbuster’ starts filming in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A proposed online ad for “Mythical Easter,” a movie currently filming in Bolingbrook.

Despite the threat of protests, anonymous sources confirm that the village of Bolingbrook will allow the controversial movie “Mythical Easter” to be filmed in Bolingbrook.

“Mayor Mary (Alexander-Basta) wants to revive Bolingbrook’s economy,” said one of the sources, who wished to remain anonymous.  “She thinks film production is a great way to generate local jobs and to promote Bolingbrook.  We’ll even tolerate protesters as long as they don’t destroy property, and they spend their money at any of Bolingbrook’s fine establishments.”

In the scripts obtained by the Babbler, “Mythical Easter” is the story of a “brave genius atheist scientist” named Richard who discovers that a Christian billionaire is using his technology to send actors into the past to create the “Mythical Jesus.”  The character is possibly based on Richard Carrier, a blogger and academic well known for his arguments against the existence of Jesus Christ and his questionable conduct towards women.

In the script, the billionaire, named David, explains his plan to the scientist, named Chuck:

David: Don’t you understand?  If the world finds out that Jesus never existed, there will be chaos!  Churches will go out of business. Conservatives will stop supporting Israel because there’s no point in trying to bring about the second coming of Christ if He never came to Earth in the first place. The Intellectual Dark Web will rule the world! I can’t let that happen!”

Richard assembles a “crack team” of scientists and mercenaries to defeat’s Chuck army of “mythical terrorists.”  In one scene, Richard orders a scientist to send a scroll back in time:

Larry: Why are you sending this scroll two weeks before the team’s arrival?

David: To let all the single women know when I will be in Jerusalem and what times I will be available!

Larry: Makes sense.

In the climactic scene, Richard and Harriet confront the woman about to perform the role of Mary Magdalene: 

Richard: You cannot deny my reasoning!  Join us, and we will expose the myth of Jesus’ existence once and for all!

Mary Magdalene Actress: Oh Richard!  My faith tells me I must play this role, but my heart is drawn to your superior intellect.  Your young soul makes my old soul feel hot!

Richard: It is perfectly reasonable to desire me.

Harriet: But I want to have sex with you too!  You can’t have sex with both us. Can you?

Richard: To save the enlightenment and Western Civilization, we must have a threesome!  

Mary Actress: Oh Richard! You have a well-endowed intellect!

Some local religious leaders accuse “Mythical Easter” of being a“mockbuster” version of “Black Easter,” a movie about terrorists traveling back in time to kill Jesus.  The director of “Mythical Easter,” Andy Z. Silverman, denies the accusation and claims the movie is not anti-Christian.

“Sure, all my heroes are fearless atheists, and all my villains are fearful Christians.  Yes, my atheist characters survive because they love life, while my Christian characters die because they foolishly believe the afterlife is better. However, that doesn’t make my movies anti-Christian.  A single Christploitation movie does more harm to Christianity than all the pro-atheist films combined!  Go after the production companies that make these boring drama-free Christian movies, and let me film my atheistploitation movie in peace!”

Silverman denied being related to former atheist activist David Silverman and would not confirm rumors that Michael Shermer and Carrier are producers.

Crews will be filming outside the Weathertech and Ulta headquarters.  Spokespersons for both companies refused to confirm if they paid any promotional fees to the production company.

Also in the Babbler:

President Biden visits all three Chicagoland UFO bases
Mayor Alexander-Basta vetos renaming Clow UFO Base ‘Clow UAP Base’
Church sues Bolingbrook after being denied a permit to build a mile-high cross
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/21 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Controversial Atheist Professor Richard Dawkins defects to the Illuminati (Fiction)

 

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of James Randi (Left) and Richard Dawkins (Right) from TAM 8.

Professor Richard Dawkins announced his defection from the New World Order to the Illuminati at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Dawkins, who secretly traveled to Bolingbrook for his Illuminati initiation ceremony, explained his decision to the gathered dignitaries:

“The board of the NWO gave me an ultimatum: Stop attacking marginalized people or else.  Can you believe that anyone would give me, Professor Richard Dawkins, an order?  So I made a bad faith tweet about trans people, and the NWO revoked my Humanist of the Year award from 1996.  I told them they had one day to apologize.  They ignored me!  Don’t they know that nobody can ignore me, Professor Richard Dawkins?”

Dawkins also confirmed that his organization, the Center for Inquiry, is now under Illuminati control and purged of all NWO members. New CFI embassies will open at the Illuminati’s UFO bases over the next two years, while CFI will close its embassies at the NWO’s bases.

Ophelia Benson, a feminist blogger known for her transgender exclusionary views, welcomed Dawkins to the Illuminati:  “Nine years ago, the Illuminati forced me to participate in a trivia contest with the fate of Seattle at stake.  At the time, I wasn’t too happy about that.  Boy, have times changed!  Now I’m the 5th Preceptor for the State of Washington—  Which just goes to show that if you hate trans people like I do, I can forgive almost anything you do.  Welcome aboard Richard.”

“Thank you.  I am happy to be a member of a society that values me as much as I value my honey.”

“I wonder if Richard ever offered his honey to J. K. Rowling.”

“Excuse me,” snapped Dawkins.  “Are you making comments during my speech?”

“Sorry.  Old habit.  On my blog, I like to post other people’s works and add my comments.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler and Trustee-elect Troy Doris performed the Illuminati’s Rite of Acceptance for Dawkins.  After the ritual, Lawler and Doris addressed the audience.

Doris stated: “In Bolingbrook, we don’t care if you have a sister.  We don’t care if you’re into transcendental meditation.  We just don’t care.  Why are you giving me that look, Michael?”

Lawler then delivered his remarks:  “I would be remiss if I didn’t mention all the fine trans individuals who work for the Illuminati.  Some of them live in Bolingbrook and are involved with Bolingbrook Pride.  Professor, please understand that you were not brought into the Illuminati to spread transphobia.  You were accepted for your ability to spread anger and chaos around the world.  Please remember that.”

“If I didn’t just ask questions to so-called trans people, would I still be a popular British personality?”

“I think you would be like Daniel Radcliffe.”

“Yes, but—”

“I think I’m needed elsewhere.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied being a member of the Illuminati, or that Dawkins was recently in Bolingbrook. She then said:

“Before you log off, I’d like to run something by you before I present it to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano.)  As you know, Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and corporations now support diversity. So what do you think of this tagline? ‘Bolingbrook: Where your business can stay woke without going broke.’”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians threaten to shoot heat ray at Bolingbrook
Source: Sculptors submitting proposals for a 900-foot statue of former Mayor Roger Claar
Officials at the Department of Paranormal propose loosening restrictions on Wereskunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/30/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Link: Anaiise Diaz on sessions from Martin Luther King Jr. (Non-fiction)

Anaiise Diaz, former Social Justice and Legislative Assistant at the American Humanist Association, recently wrote an article for The Humanist called “What Martin Luther King Jr. Taught Me.”

I shed light on Dr. King not because he’s the easiest name to remember when it comes to Black history but because of his humanism. King embodied the image of the non-violent, heavily religious, pro-church individual. But to me, he embodied the rational, non-violent humanist who railed against uncritical ways of thinking.

The Humanist is published by the American Humanist Association.  It isn’t perfect, but it is one of the better atheist/humanistic organizations still out there.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2021! (Fiction)

Will Representative Bill Foster save Congress in 2021? (File Photo)

It’s that time of year when the Babbler’s Council of Psychics announces its predictions for the new year.  Normally, they’re extremely accurate, but many readers have pointed out that our psychics didn’t predict the COVID-19 pandemic.

Many psychics didn’t predict the pandemic and are trying to hide behind post hoc rationalizations of their predictions.  Our psychics, however, admit that they didn’t foresee the pandemic.  They are still trying to figure out how they missed something that, to date, has killed nearly 2 million people globally, crashed the global economy, and altered our daily lives.  The council won’t hide behind the fact that pollsters were also off in 2020.  Instead, they apologize for their massive pre-cognition failure and strive to do a better job this year.  

Still, our psychics did correctly predict unrest in the United States, the impeachment and acquittal of President Donald Trump, a disputed Iowa Caucus, Mayor Roger Claar’s retirement, the return of activist Bonnie Kurowski to Bolingbrook’s political scene, and President Trump’s attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

So what do our psychics think will happen in 2021?

1

The Bolingbrook Election Board, consisting of Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler, and Acting Village Clerk Martha M. Barton, will hold a hearing on disputed nomination petitions for the 2021 municipal election.  Alexander-Basta will ask the village attorney if it is legal for the board to only have members of the First Party for Bolingbrook.  The attorney will reply that under Illinois law, it is legal. 

Alexander-Basta will then say: “Okay!  Let’s cut to the chase!  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  You’re off the ballot.  Every defendant is off the ballot!”

The board will unanimously approve the resolution.  As they start to leave, the lawyer for the First Party for Bolingbrook will ask if they were joking.  Lawler will say no because he wanted to spend time with his grandchildren.  The lawyer will remind the board that their ruling removed all the First Party candidates because there were objections filed against them too.

“Oops,” Lawler will reply.

When Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry hears that she will have to manage an all write-in race for Bolingbrook’s village board, her screams will be heard as far north as Naperville.

2

Thousands of armed militias and QAnon supporters will attack Washington D.C. while a joint session of Congress counts the Electoral College’s votes.  While chanting, “burn the swamp,” they will burn down the White House.  Oddly enough, the White House will be empty and unguarded at the time.

Despite Vice-President Mike Pence’s stalling, both chambers will declare Vice-President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris the official winners of the 2020 election.  The protesters will surround the Capitol Building and demand Trump be anointed President.  Thanks to quick thinking by Representative Bill Foster and Representative Sean Casten, the legislators are able to tunnel their way to safety.

Foster will say, “I designed the drilling laser.  Sean built it.  That’s why we need scientists in Congress!”

3

A B-2 stealth bomber will crash into Bolingbrook Golf Club’s course.  There will be no civilian casualties, but the course will be unplayable due to radioactive contamination.

It will be revealed that the crew chose to deliberately crash the plane rather than obey Trump’s order to drop a nuclear bomb on Indianapolis.  Trump issued the order in retaliation for Pence failing to overturn the election in Congress.

Trump’s cabinet will finally use the 25th Amendment to remove Trump.

Harris will say, “Better late than never.”

Biden will promise not to hold “this unfortunate incident” against Republicans and will spend time attacking the more liberal members of the Democratic Party.

The Village of Bolingbrook will sell the Golf Club to the Federal Government, which will turn the area into a memorial to “those who fought against the enemies of freedom, both domestic and foreign.”

“See,” Trustee Michael Carpanzano will say, “The village profited from the Golf Club.  Yes, it did take several years and the tragic sacrifice of a brave air crew, but the First Party came through in the end.  That’s why you should never question our decisions!”

4

 Bolingbrook will celebrate the end of COVID-19 restrictions by hosting a Nickelback concert.

“I don’t care if Nickelback is performing,” a resident will say.  “I just want to hear live music!”

5

Former atheist activist David Silverman will move to Bolingbrook and announce his candidacy for Governor of Illinois:

“I fought God and now I’m going to fight Illinois’ corrupt political machine!”

He will, however, spend most of 2021 fighting with his homeowners’ association over placing a billboard on top of his house:

“If religious residents of Bolingbrook are allowed to virtue signal with their churches and mosques, then I should be allowed to (expletive deleted) signal with my billboards!  Free speech is under attack and I’m going to fight back whether you like it or not!  So shut up and give me your money!”

6

To the surprise of many Trumpsters, President Biden will still be alive at the end of his first year in office:

“It’s been a hard year.  The government is still shut down. McConnell’s Senate won’t approve any of my cabinet nominees.  Florida only recognizes Trump as the President, and QAnon complains every time I eat pizza.  But I have faith that our country will pull through these dark times, and some Republicans will come around and work with me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Anti-alien protesters arrested outside of Clow UFO Base
Werecoyotes spotted in Palatine
Weredogs endorse Bolingbrook United’s slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.